Synchronicity - Episode 10

As a thunderstorm rolls in, I reflect on grief, healing, meaning, and the unexpected connections that seem to appear when life slows down.

From difficult conversations about suffering to questions about acceptance, control, and personal growth, this episode explores what it feels like to be in the middle of a transition without knowing exactly where it leads.

This is a raw, real-time account of the journey as it unfolds.

#Katabasis #PurposefulDescent #MentalHealthJourney #HealingJourney #GriefJourney #PersonalGrowth #SelfDiscovery #EmotionalHealing #InnerWork #LifeTransitions #Mindfulness #SpiritualGrowth #PodcastJourney #HealingInProgress #Resilience #AuthenticLiving

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Okay, so it's Tuesday night around 8 o'clock, June 2nd. And uh there's a big thunderstorm, so you'll probably hear some thunder in the background. It's raining, and uh I'm outside while other people are inside. Uh there's a resident artist who lives here, and in exchange for I guess the living situation, she's doing artwork and um for the place. Uh her name's Robin, and uh she's got some friends over helping with painting and stuff. Um, one of the people in management was up there playing with kids pickleball, and the storm came and everybody ran. Um, I was supposed to have meditation, I thought today, and nobody told me, but it got canceled, and I guess they're saying we could do it Thursday or move it back. It seems to be kind of the issue right now, just because it's just me and the one other guy, and because if he's asleep or he's not here, then it's just me. And so instead of me getting whatever it is, sound bath, meditation, whatever, it just kind of keeps getting pushed back. And I'm okay with that because I know they're in a place of transition. Um, but I'm I'm I'm finding myself still a little bored when I'm not doing the ketamine or um I guess getting ready for ketamine or going somewhere or doing something. Uh there's just you know a lot of downtime. I'm reading, I'm getting in the pool today. Charles uh and I went to Barnes and Noble and then to Amy's ice cream. We had a nice conversation, came back and went swimming. Um, well, I went swimming, he sat outside and talked. Um and now there's been a lot more people here, I feel like this week than last week. Last week was the first week since the place opened. So, like I said, lots of transition. Um, this week uh the owners and the people seem to be here more, more meetings, more things going on, and that's good. Ooh, major lightning off in the distance. I think it's supposed to rain for five days straight, so that's interesting. Um, last night everybody said after your ketamine treatment and everything, um, you're probably gonna wake up in the middle of the night and want a journal. So they gave me a journal that they have them everywhere. They gave me a journal and a pen. I did not feel like that at all. In fact, I was thinking of ideas like making a walking trail here and things like that. Um, just random stuff because my brain doesn't shut off. And then I ended up going back to sleep. So if I check my Fitbit, let me see what my amount of sleep was last night. I thought, oh yeah, seven hours and 13 minutes, which I'll take that. That's pretty good. Um, typically at home I get about 12,000 to 15,000 steps, but because I'm sitting around a whole lot more having conversations and talking and that kind of thing, um, I've only got 10% of my cardio, and I feel like I'm just not getting the right amount of steps. Plus, I forgot to bring a charger with me for my Fitbit. So uh yeah, live and learn. I did ask William to order me one. It was like eight bucks and it's for two of them. So he ordered them from Amazon. My plan is to use them while I'm here and leave them for people in the future where they could have like a charging station slash you know, cords, battery, you know, charger store. Um, I they probably already have one somewhere, but I'm like, I know they didn't have that. So for the first time in years, I'll be taking my Fitbit off and uh charging it eventually. Like it's off right now because it died. Usually I catch it in time. Uh, let's see. It's really pouring its butt off. It's supposed to rain for five days. Um, I have meetings in the morning with just different people. And um maybe uh Charles and I are talking about going back to the vintage shops to get some things that we kind of wish we had got. Maybe going to TJ Maxx and Home Goods. There's a gajillion different places here uh on you know, in Austin, in this area, everywhere. And uh so lots of things to do for sure. Lots of food to eat, lots of places to go. I mean, Austin is just this amazing place, and the fact that this is like right here in the hub of everything is is pretty awesome, and I'm I'm definitely um appreciating that. Like we can drive 10 minutes this way and find stuff, or five minutes this way and find stuff, and it's just it's worked out really well. Um, right now, uh Justin and that uh the IT guy Maddie, they went to yoga. I didn't go because I thought meditation was at 7:30, which I was wrong. It's two, so there's they're working on scheduling and figuring out things, but um, yeah, and uh I just kind of hanging out, waiting, seeing if anything hit happens or hits yesterday. Um I really talked to uh some oh I totally think I forgot to tell you all this. I I think I might have said it. I'm not sure if I did or not. Um, no, I I haven't talked to you guys today. I'm realizing this really crazy weird thing happened. Um, there's a lot of people who believe in all kinds of meanings with everything from animals to air to the moon, the sun, all these, you know, things that more spirituality, astrology, astronomy, you know, whatever. And uh it's not stuff that just I've been a part of. Um, and it's not anything bad. It's just that's not my my thing. Like there's little Buddha statues and there's Indian statues and stuff like that. Um, they say there's no actual religion, and like some of these people, you know, they say they're Christians, so I think it's kind of a mix of different people and belief systems, which I'm totally cool and fine with. Um, but anyways, the the point is I was making fun of somebody kind of going, haha, you know, everything has meaning, everything has meaning. And he was like, Well, your guide, uh Christina, shares the same birthday as you, which I think it has been brought up in here. And we thought that was really cool. Well, today when he said it, he said it in front of this guy who was visiting, Pat. He's an Irishman who was here. Um, and he also, we all just happened to be standing there, and it was the craziest thing because we all had the exact same birthday, August 15th. And we were like, what are the chances of that? So, taking that there was maybe eight people here at the property, I I asked Chat GTP or whatever to give me um the odds of what that would be like. Oh, plus Christina Joy has a dog that's born on the same day, so it was three human beings and a dog all born on the same day, not the same year, but the same day. And uh it was like one in 48 million uh chance for that to happen. So I was not buying into any of that or believing it, but after seeing that, I was like, uh, there's no denying that. That's math, that's facts, that's true, it's unbelievable, it's shocking, it's weird. I I can't I can't explain it, I don't know. And they're all like, stuff like that happens, stuff like that happens, and uh just the other another crazy story is they had this deck of cards with animals, and they're like, just pick an animal and read about it. Well, last night my last card to pick or whatever before I went to bed was a lizard, and then all throughout the day we've been seeing lizards. Um, I've been seeing lizards, and I just thought that was a little weird. We're also seeing a lot of red cardinals out here, so um, just you know, talking about interesting things and how things kind of come together at the right place at the right time, kiss meet or whatever, um, you know, kind of just happenstance or happy accidents, however you look at it. Um, I think we all are things like that happen, you know. I mean, I remember it's because it's my daughter's 29th birthday today. I remember we had her in a hospital right down the road from where we lived. And many years later, she ended up going to the university, like right across the street, basically, from where that hospital was. We would have never thought in a million years, like I never even thought about it, you know, that that's it's just kind of interesting how it all circled around. So I'm I'm trying to be okay with the fact that I'm not calling her and she's not calling me, and I'm, you know, it's her birthday and I'm wishing her well, and I'm wishing she's having a good birthday, and it's it's hard for me. Um, that I can't, I don't even have her phone number in my phone anymore. Like it's completely deleted because I was just like, yeah, but I I think I was just upset one day and frustrated, and it was like, what the hell's the point of it? She's never calling me. I can't talk to her, she's dismissed me, you know. And one of the things I'm hoping for and wanting, and I talked to uh the integration today. Oh, I forgot to tell you about that. I did the integration today, and it was wonderful. I really love the girl um who did it. Um, but she said nothing happens, you know, like a snap. It's not like a light that turns on. But I told her, I said I would just like to forget because you know, if you love somebody, that means suffering. And no matter what. You love somebody, they disappoint you, you suffer. If they hurt your feelings, you suffer. If they leave you, you suffer. If they die, you suffer. And um, I was telling her, you know, I don't want to suffer anymore. It's been three and a half years, I'm pretty much done suffering. And everybody is telling me that I'm not done grieving, I'm not done suffering, and that I really need to go into that, and I need to feel that, and I need to die to myself, and that's where I need to be. And then later on, I I had a headache. I've had a headache, honestly, since yesterday until about two o'clock today or so. I think it was like two or three today that I had a headache. And uh I was saying this morning, I still have a headache, I don't feel good. And somebody said, You just need to lean into that and accept it. Why is having a headache a bad thing? And I'm like, because it's not a good thing. And they're like, maybe you just need to lean into it and be okay with it and accept it. Maybe that's part of your problem. So I just was kind of joking around and I held up my hands and I'm like, okay, universe, I'm really happy with this headache. I'm really happy that you gave me this headache for whatever reason, you know. And I said that just to um, like a minute later, throw up. And I thought that was just crazy that I said that, and then the next thing you know, I was throwing up. They, of course, all took it as a sign. I don't know if it was or not, but I did feel a little bit better. And uh, so yeah, I mean, just still trying to figure out things, what has real meaning, what doesn't have meaning, what's in my control, what isn't in my control, um, having lots of conversations. And it's always right after the conversation that I'm like, oh, dang it, I wish I had the podcast to have recorded that or whatever. So um I might try to carry my phone around with me a little bit more, but for the most part, I've been putting my phone down and just not paying attention to it, which has been good because I know at my house, like I carry it around from room to room and I'm checking messages and checking Facebook or checking Instagram or whatever. I'm I'm on it way too much, and it's just not really uh that big of a deal here. I everybody knows I'm off grid and I don't have to work and you know, all of that. So that's been nice, I will say that. But uh tonight I guess I'm I'm gonna watch a movie, and I wish there were people to watch movies with, but like I said, during a transition period, there's not like eight other women my age here, which would be nice. Um, and everybody's got things going on and they're busy, you know. And uh, so I'm gonna go find a movie, watch it, maybe have some popcorn, chill out, and then go to bed and have my meetings tomorrow and see how things go. And yeah, I mean, I just it's definitely, I feel like I'm at a crossroads and a transition period, and everybody's like, you're healing, you're growing, you're doing this, and they might see it, they might feel it, they might think it. I don't necessarily agree or feel or think that way, and maybe they're right. I'm just not I haven't gone as far in the ketamine as I, you know, as they have, or whatever. They said, you know, it's like miracle grow, and every time you do it, it's a little bit more, and you're processing and your brain is processing, and so I think that's good. I will say I did play a video game just for the fun. I like uh be jeweled, and I I played that on my phone, and I've been kicking some serious ass. Now I've always been pretty good at it, but I'm like, hmm, I'm wondering if that has something to do with it. I don't know. It'd be something fun to go look up and check out, but um yeah, so anyways, everybody's gone. It's uh except you know, the artist, uh Robin and her friends, and she's getting ready for uh art show that she has on Saturday, which I think we're all invited to. 400 of her closest friends and and people are invited, so um, I'm looking forward to that on Saturday, and uh yeah, ketamine again on Thursday. So also I did ketamine with Preston last time, and this time it'll just be me by myself. And today, when I talked to Heather, she learned a little bit more about my grief and my heartache and my sadness and why I feel the way I do. And now that she knows those things, she thinks that we can talk about them and kind of work those into the treatment on Thursday. So I'm really, really thankful for her. She's just very, very um intuitive and kind, and I'm just really appreciative of her. So, um, anyways, that's about it. I guess I'm gonna go watch a movie. I'll talk with you guys later. This has been the 150 hour mark. Bye bye.