Chasing Clarity - Session 2 - Episode 12

Higher dose, extra time, best massage of my life — and still no answers. Direction, clarity, and peace were my intentions going in. 

#Katabasis #KarriKennedy #KetamineTherapy #KetamineJourney #HealingJourney #IntegrationJourney #MentalHealthHealing #ChristianWellness #PersonalTransformation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

All right. So now it's uh 2 30. It's Thursday. The what day is today? I think it's the 4th. Is that right? Let me look at my Fitbit. Yeah. June 4th. It's a Thursday. Uh this morning at 10 o'clock, I met with Heather and I did another ketamine session. We talked for pretty good long time beforehand. Um, and didn't do a whole lot of breath work this time beforehand. I got a higher dosage this time. I'm not sure what it was. Um, did some talking and then did the treatment. And I guess I feel like it went pretty fast. Um, afterwards, they walked me into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to eat chili, which sounded disgusting to me. So I was like, no, I don't I don't want that. Um just kind of hung around, talked to different people, took it very easy, but I was definitely still a little shaky, not completely. I could tell I was still on it. After after the ketamine, I should say I stayed in there and talked to Heather a while longer, too. And that was nice not to feel so like, okay, your your time's up, let's go. Um, somebody had a scheduled appointment, and that was canceled, so I had a little bit of extra time, and that was nice. Um and now everybody is busy getting artwork onto a van so they can get it ready for uh the artist's show on Saturday. And uh I still have yet to eat. I ate like half of like a little bar and a pretzel so far. Uh, I did have some minerals. I talked this morning before I had ketamine. I talked to uh Shannon, this lady who came over and gave me some minerals to drink, and uh I feel better about that. Last night I took some charcoal as a binder to maybe get some of the metals out and maybe help me detox. So I think that that helps. I don't have the headache that I did last time after this. So I feel like it's still in my body. Um, it's uh 241 right now, and we probably started at 11, finished at 12 with everything, the whole everything. She said when I was done, there was a few times in there where I was like, I said, woo-hoo, or whoop, or something. I was excited uh and it seemed like things were going good. I don't remember that, but um there's nothing really to tell you about what it I wish I could describe or explain it more this time. I went in with the intentions of um clarity, decision making, and peace. And I still don't have clarity, decision making, and peace. It's not like a magic pill or you know, just a snap and it happens. I think that they say that, you know, the next over, you know, 48 to 72 hours you're contemplating, you're thinking about your life, you're thinking about decisions, the big choices. Uh, for me, it's the whole marriage-divorce thing. I mean, maybe some of it's within my control, some of it isn't. Um, you know, I I mentioned divorce to my husband uh, you know, many times throughout our marriage. And uh it was always, oh, don't worry, honey, things are gonna get better, things are gonna get better. And then I realized, well, things aren't gonna get better unless you work on it and I work on it, and we intentionally work to make things better. And intentionality hasn't been a real strong suit in our marriage. And so um I don't know if it's worth repairing or if it was ever healthy, or if there are good things and I'm just seeing it with a negative lens. I I don't know. I'm very, very uh confused by that and frustrated. Um, some advice that has come to me is that I need to separate first and give it a separation. And um, that was never an option, you know, to have a separation because my husband says we can't afford that. He doesn't have a place to go. That's not an option. So we have to sell our house and get divorced for it to all work out the way it's supposed to work out, I guess. So um, but everybody here is like, no, you need to do a trial separation, and uh a few people have said that. And I'm like, well, I don't know if that's an option or not. Yeah, I don't know. And I don't uh the other piece of advice that I've been given is just take it day, day after day, you know. Like right now, you're here, you're working on transformation, you're working on the ketamine, you're doing integration, you're doing counseling, you know, like you're doing all these pieces of the puzzle. So just don't worry too far in the future. You know, think about things, process things, write things down, journal if you know you need to spend time in the other thing. Shannon, when she came to bring me the minerals to take, she suggested that I find places on the property and just go sit, you know, in the hammocks. There's a lot of different places to sit. There's like 12 acres. I mean, I think the area that we're on is like five or something where it's all like developed and everything. But um, you know, the idea of just go sit under some trees in a hammock or a chair on a bench somewhere, you know, just sit in the grass and and just contemplate nature and do some grounding and thinking. So I'll probably spend some time doing that type of thing, you know. Um, you know, I there's a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of the time, my mind and our minds, people in general, you know, you start ruminating or conjuring or trying to figure out or worrying or whatever. And I don't want to do that. I just I don't want to do that. Um I want to be thinking positive thoughts. I want to be thinking future, you know, choices and decisions and forward movement. I I want to think about what's important to me, and what's important to me can't be completely codependent and dependent on everybody else. I've got to make some choices and decisions for my life and make think about myself, which is uh uh I'm still working on. I'm I my whole life has my adult life, the whole majority of my adult life has been thinking about my husband and taking care of him and being there for him and being there for my kids and you know, constantly taking care and thinking about everybody else and not spending time thinking about me. Um, I'm trying to figure out what that looks like and what that means. Um so I don't know. Anyways, okay, I think I forgot something. So after I came back, I was gonna finish this up. Um, after I can't, I'm sure my brain and the way I talk after these is probably a little jumbled, uh, just because of the ketamine still in my system. Um, I mean, it's only been three hours since, you know, or so um, not even. Um I af they had a massage set up for me today with Heather as well, and we did it in the yurt, and she brought in a table and set it up, and it was like the best damn massage of my life. I've had other massages and I did not like them at all. I didn't like how much pressure they put or how long they left me in the position or whatever. And this was really wonderful. She said I had a knot of stress up in my uh collarbone kind of area, up in my upper right uh shoulder area, whatever. And um, she worked on getting that out, and uh, so that was good. I feel a lot more at peace and more calm and just yeah, in a better place, in a better head space. Um, I'm drinking coconut water and I really would like to eat. I think that the uh they don't have a chef, the chef isn't here on days that they do ketamine and they usually just order food or something. And so they're like, what do you want to eat? And I'm like, I don't know. I wish I could drive. Honestly, I feel like I could drive. Like, I don't, I feel like I have drugs in my system, but not like I'm drunk. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I would be fine to drive, but that's not allowed. Um, but I did think maybe I could have somebody drive me somewhere. I don't know. Um I think last time I was considering taking a nap, or I did take a nap, I don't remember. Um, I don't feel like taking a nap at all. In fact, yesterday I uh last night I slept amazing. Um, my Fitbit said I got better, better, well, good sleep and uh better than usual, like REM and deep sleep. And so I think that that's very good too. Um, yeah, so I I'm I'm doing pretty good right now. I feel like this is a good space. They're also supposed to be trying to get me an IV today or tomorrow um to give me some more minerals and nutrients and whatever that's uh a good cocktail, I guess. And I'm excited about that as well. Um, having a little bit more energy and clarity and whatever. Um so they're they're right now still getting a bunch of uh big artwork pieces and putting it in a van. And then after they do that, I'll I'll probably talk to Charles here and figure out food. Um I mean, I at home I only eat like a meal and a half, like I have a snack and like one meal. So I mean, I'm okay with that. Um, I'm not super, super hungry, but at the same time, I feel like it would maybe sober up my brain a little bit. I don't know. Um, but yeah, the ketamine session, the massage, the the beauty of the day. It was raining this morning, and it's it's just a beautiful like landscape and area, and the wind is blowing and the skies are blue with these big, huge, white, puffy clouds everywhere. And so, um, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna think about maybe coming out to the pool or going out for Chinese or Mexican food, or I'm not sure exactly what, but um, I'm I'm in a good headspace right now and trying to take my thoughts captive and thinking about good positive things and not thinking about so much of the unknown because I based so much of my life on what others want from me and what I'm supposed to give others and do for others and take care of others. Um, I need to stop doing that, and that's I keep catching myself doing that, and I have to bring myself back and go, no, no, what is it that you want? What is what is that that you would like to do? What is it that that you feel like you should think about, you know? And so I'm trying, I'm working on it. It's it's a it's a work in progress. Um, but yeah, and then uh just another weird kind of thing. Uh this morning I was talking to uh a guy, Justin, here, and uh he was talking about how kismet is basically what I call it. He didn't say that, but when when happy accidents happen and just weird random things like the birthday thing where all the August 14th, I mean, August, I don't know why I said that, August 15th birthdays were all around the one guy, uh, and just weird things like that happening. He said he had been thinking about a friend of his and uh he went to a different coffee shop and actually saw that friend. That friend's not even in this town, he's in another town. He saw him the next week. It was just the weirdest thing, and it's just a happy accident, you know. Um, I said, well, the same kind of thing happened to me. Somebody who used to go to one of my, you know, my school back in the day. Um, she messaged me and said, she's in Austin, waiting for her second granddaughter, I mean grandkid, I don't know, grandkid to be born. And she was asking about different books uh from back in the day. And I was like, Well, that's a blast from the past. I probably haven't talked to her in like 12, 13 years or something like that. And she messaged, and then just a little bit ago, somebody else messaged and asked, you know, how how's it going? And that's somebody from like six years ago. And uh just kind of interesting how God has put per people in your path and just being aware of that, I guess, and paying attention to that instead of just going, oh, so-and-so called and not thinking anything of it. Um, yesterday, in fact, Shannon lost her keys and she left me a message saying that she really thought about that. And I'm like, what is there to think about? It's just keys going lost. I mean, what are you what are you thinking about? And uh she talked about how, you know, everybody worked together as a team and how she was grateful for that experience and you know, all this stuff. And just I guess putting more meaning with things instead of and and paying attention. Like, wow. Um, I'm definitely in a different headspace here thinking about that kind of stuff, paying attention more so. Um, not too much hippy-dippy trippy, but you know, kind of going, okay, things happen for a reason. God is above us, God is love, he's looking out for us. Yes, uh, he puts people in our path. And I I these are all things we know. We I know, right? I got that. But just I guess being more aware and looking at it as okay, what is what is the reason I have a headache right now? Why, you know, if if that's the question. Or, you know, maybe the reason I'm here at this date at this time is to help out with this. And maybe I'm supposed to learn this, and maybe the reason this person came into my life is to say that, you know, just kind of being aware and taking it all in. Um, so yeah, I don't know. I I think that's definitely where I'm at. I'm learning a lot, I'm listening a lot, I'm paying attention to people a lot, just trying to figure out what am I supposed to be learning from all of this? What am I supposed to be taking hold of? Uh what, you know, when we went into this, we went with the intention of directions, clarity, and peace. Those are the three things I really wanted on this ketamine journey, as they call it. And I left out of there, of course, without directions, clarity, and peace. But I think hopefully that will come over the next few days. So, um, anyways, I I feel like these talks when I do this and I'm still feeling the ketamine in me, uh, seem a little jumbled and maybe even repetitive. I'm not going back and listening to any of these. I did these raw on purpose. Um, but yeah, in the future, maybe sometime down the road, years later, I don't know. I'll come back and listen to these. But right now I'm just enjoying the beautiful landscape and the beautiful oak trees and hanging out and um just excited about eating food later and maybe doing some meditation and just you know, enjoying life and paying attention to what God's gonna give me today, I guess, and being thankful and grateful for whatever I have. And I I guess that's it. So, all right, we'll talk to you next time.