Choosing Wisely

A quiet weekend becomes an unexpected turning point. I talk about extending my stay, preparing for another ketamine session, living in community, and the realization that compassion doesn’t require self-abandonment. This episode explores hope, boundaries, self-worth, codependency, gratitude, and what it means to stop trying to change other people and start taking responsibility for my own life.

#Katabasis #KetamineTherapy #MentalHealth #HealingJourney #CPTSD #TraumaRecovery #PersonalGrowth #Boundaries #SelfWorth #Codependency #Neuroplasticity #FaithJourney #Resilience #Hope #Po

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Okay, so it's Monday morning, and the last time I recorded was Thursday. And so I figured I would get back on here and just kind of tell you what's been going on. Um I actually thought about leaving on Friday and uh I was a little frustrated with things. Um I was feeling like I'm not ready to continue living in community for a wide host of reasons. And I thought, oh, it'll be really nice to go to a hotel for the weekend because last weekend I pretty much just sat around. There wasn't a whole lot to do. Uh there wasn't there weren't a lot of people here, etc. And I did not want to redo that again. Um, long story short, I'm just gonna stay till Friday. They added the two days on. We added uh the two days on. Instead of me leaving on Wednesday now, I will be leaving on Friday. Um, that way I'm gonna be able to do another ketamine session because my first one didn't really have any response. It didn't work right. So um I'm going to have you know a total of five ketamine treatments instead of four. Um, but basically I feel like it's still four because the first one really didn't do anything. Although the nurses say it did do something. You just I couldn't see it and feel it during the ceremony. The actual medicine is in my body, it's helping my brain, etc., etc. So um I don't know why I say etc., etc. Anyways, um, so I'm gonna try to just go through what's going on, what's happened since Friday, and uh talk about what's happening today and get you caught up. Okay, so um I did talk to the people about some of my frustrations. That all got better, I guess, changed, I should say. Um after being here throughout the weekend, um, I'm glad I had certain a certain person, Charles, to go and hang out and do things with. But I do wish I would have got the hotel and stayed there. Um, just because when you're living in community and you have other people, uh in my case that are all younger than me, and it's gonna change every time you come because you never know who's gonna be here type thing, unless you plan and organize that. Um, I'm here with like 30-year-old people, uh, roughly. Uh, and no offense against 30-year-olds, but uh, you know, one of the ones I'm I was living with, just like little things like making messes and shaving his beard and leaving the hairs everywhere, or not pulling, you know, the shower curtain enough. So what pools of water and leaving the refrigerator door open. And I, you know, I come from raising six kids, so I felt like, you know, this is supposed to be a retreat, a vacation, you know, get away from that kind of stuff. And it was really just grading on my nerves um and frustrating me. Um, also, there was people everywhere just for all kinds of reasons, and um I just felt like I needed my own space. Um, I feel and think regularly now that I have allowed myself to be put in situations of abuse and abandonment. And I've said that that's okay because that's them, and I've made excuses for that behavior. I've justified that behavior. I've, you know, I I can't control everybody, right? But I can control me, and I don't need to put myself in those situations anymore. Um, and I I think I was feeling unheard and maybe a bit abandoned by different people at different times, uh, either here or at home or whatever. And uh so that is a pattern that I'm realizing is coming up and that something's gotta change. Either I have to leave those circumstances and not allow that anymore, or those people are going to have to change. I I just I am at a point where I'm just like, that's a non-negotiable in my life. I'm too freaking old to be putting up with that bullshit anymore, and I don't deserve it. And so, yeah, that's kind of a good thing that I think I've learned and figured out. Um, I don't know what that looks like day to day, but I know today I'm not going to put up with any today. I'm not going to put up with any behavior that goes against my integrity, my beliefs, what I stand for. And yeah, so I'm gonna work on that. So I think that's a good thing that I figured out. Um, what else? So I went, I'm trying to remember all the places that we went because that's been since Thursday, um, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We just did a little bit of here and there. We went to some so stone stores. We was someplace called National Treasures yesterday, and um, I took Charles to look. He's gonna be moving out, and I took took him to look at an apartment, and uh that was pretty much it. We might have gone somewhere else, but um just a little bit of shopping here and there. Um, we did go to the uh one of the people who works here, I guess an investor or owner, I'm not sure all the titles. Um, but we went to this amazing pizza place. It's called Toss T-O-S-S, and I'm not sure where it is, but you guys could look it up if you come this way. It was phenomenal. It was amazing. We loved it, it had a great vibe. It was, I guess there's some, I don't know. I'm not into sports, guys, but I think it was a basketball playoffs or something. And uh, so it got really, really crowded. Um, but everything was lovely the margaritas, the pizza, all that. Honestly, eating there was my highlight uh for the weekend. And I ate, oh yeah. We also, uh this is the other thing. On Saturday night, we went to an art show. Um, we left this house at 2:30. We drove around and did a bunch of errands and went places. Then at 5:30, we went to this place called the Arboretum, and there's an art gallery in there. I can't remember the name of it. Um, but one of the girls who's staying here, Robin, uh, she had her artwork there, and it was an amazing time, experience, all that. The oburetum was really nice. I did buy some clothes at the loft, which are nice and cozy and more flowy, I feel like, um, which is what I was kind of going for. Right now I have some uncomfortable clothes here, which is okay, but not as comfortable. I brought some that are really comfortable and not enough, is what I realized. Um, so having, you know, good t-shirts and, you know, a lot of people wear like these, I don't even know how to describe it, y'all, but different kinds of clothes where it's kind of like um floor, uh, floor ceiling. Um, it it's like um coats that are open that go all the way to the bottom, like down to your feet, or dresses that are very flowy, just lots of different uh different vibes on the clothes. And so I went to the loft and got some clothes. Um, Charles was helping out with the art show for a while, so I was on my own. So I went there and then I ate in an Italian restaurant called Juliet and another just rave, rave. Um honestly going out to eat those two times at Toss and Juliet have been some of my highlights. Honestly, I just I love good food. I love good environments. I um at Toss I was was with Charles and we had a great conversation. And at Juliet, I just enjoyed my, you know, uh Fettuccine Alfredo, and I actually had water because I didn't know if there would be alcohol at the uh at the uh show. There wasn't. There was some kind of well, actually I have it around here, some other kind of drink made with some kind of plant. I should find the piece of paper so I can tell you and you can maybe look it up. It's called Kava K A V A Fresca, and it says, it was interesting. It's a different kind of drink. It says a zero-proof botanical blend of kava root, pear juice, and ginger. And you can order it online if you go to cavafresca.com. This is not an ad for them, but it was really pretty good. And there was also there was also uh a time somewhere in this weekend where we went to Amy's ice cream. So, so there you have it. My my biggest uh uh highlights of the weekend were eating uh good food. Um, what else? Oh, you know, I have not read them written in my journal. I have not really read the Bible um a lot here and there. I'm still figuring out what I'm gonna do, what I'm thinking. Um I told my husband I was staying a little bit longer, and he was like, just gave me exclamation marks on my comment. Um, not talking to my family at all here. I mean, it's been like maybe five words here and there uh via text, but really, really getting out of it. So I haven't figured out how many days it will be. Um I think it will be something like 16 or 17 days when you add it all up. Um, and I think that's good. One of the uh counselors, uh Heather, suggested that we have a separation period. And that's a whole story, but I was like, well, this is a separation period. And well, you know, I miss certain things about my house, my kids, uh, my dogs. Um yeah, I'm not sure I miss my husband, and I think that says a lot. Um I I guess maybe I'm focusing too much on all the anger and hostility and betrayal and lies and all that stuff. And maybe I need to be focusing on other things, but that's just where I'm at right now. Um I I, you know, with this whole process, everybody's gonna come. If you come to do ketamine ever, you're gonna come with your own issues, your own problems, your own situations and circumstances. But at the end of it, I think we're all trying to figure out what's best for us, our our decision making, our choices. We want to hold honor and integrity and wisdom and discernment and make the right choices and decisions. And I feel like that is paramount right now to me. And it's just like on one hand, I'm I'm going back and forth like I deserve more. And that's that's a non-negotiable. I mean, like a hundred percent. I deserve more out of the relationship I'm in with my husband, my kids. I deserve more. Absolutely. That is like a million times amplified. I know that. Whether they know that or believe that, though, that's the difference. And so, you know, I don't know if I have to prove my worth and my value and who I am and what I've done and you know, whatever. I I'm not gonna grovel. I'm not gonna say you need to, you know, treat me whatever. So, what does that look like going forward? You know, what does it look like really getting what I deserve in this world in this life? Um, and I don't think anybody deserves to be mistreated and abandoned or abused or emotionally, you know, abused or any of that. And um, I have allowed myself to, and I think the reason is because as a kid I was, and so I think it was just a pattern of behavior. So if I've got to change that pattern of behavior, do I actually have to get out of the relationships? Do I just completely move on, or is there any repair to be done at all? And I guess that's really where I'm at because it takes two to tango. And I've already said I'm I I was willing to go to counseling. He said no. So, you know, I don't know what he's gonna say when I get back home. I don't know if my kids are ever gonna talk to me again. I don't know. And it's just um I don't want to feel powerless anymore. I I know that I I feel like I have felt like such a victim and so powerless for so long and accepted such bullshit from so many people. And I just feel like, why did I allow that? Like, why did I mentally, physically, emotionally, like all of it? Why have I why have I put up with it? And I I can think of all the reasons I put up with it. Um, I'm not proud of it. Um, and and I did it in the name of goodness, you know, and help and self-sacrifice and kindness and love, you know, for others.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

It was all good reasons, good intentions. So I I I don't know. Things I'm thinking about, you know.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

I think we all have to have a level of self-worth because if you don't and you you allow yourself to be mistreated to the level that I've been allowed myself to be mistreated, um, you don't feel like you have a lot of self-worth anymore. And I've I've got to, I've got to not yeah, I've just got to stand up for myself. I've I've got to not be a doormat. I've got to speak up and and say truth instead of people having other little narratives or thoughts or things that are not true. Um, and they can believe what they want and they can whatever, but I should have a voice. I should say mine. And if my kids don't let me talk to them, I should write a book or I should post it on social media or I should tell people this is the truth. This is what's happened to me, this is my story, my life, because it is valid, it is important. I I shouldn't be, you know, cowarding over into the you know the little shady corner of the world and life and not have a voice. And uh when your kids estrange you, that's kind of what they've done is you know, they're punishing you and they're just being vindictive and rude and hurtful and angry, and people can come back and say, oh no, they're doing it for their own safety, and they're doing, you know, they just didn't want to put themselves in a toxic situation. I've heard it both from both sides. It's been you know three and a half years. You can go on Facebook, you can go on Instagram, you can see groups from both sides, but at the end of the day, that's how I feel. I feel that way, and that's valid. And if they don't feel that way, then they can pick up a damn phone and call me. But to me, what they have done is extremely like it's the most hurtful thing in my entire life. There will never be anything that is going to ever even come close to the amount of pain that my kids have caused. That being said, they were the best things in my life and they've been the worst things in my life right now, the the four kids that have estranged me. Um, absolutely. And two things can be true, right? They can be the best thing ever in the whole wide world. And my my pride and my joy and my existence for living, they can be, you know, like everything to me. And they can also be hurtful and mean and vindictive and and you know, be my biggest cause of pain and suffering, you know. And um, I think the same thing with Mark, you know, with with my husband. At one point, you know, I felt like he was the love of my life and everything was gonna be great. And, you know, I had so much hope and drive and desire for everything to work out. Um, and I I thought, you know, maybe if I do this and I stay with him and if I do this, and you know, and I tried my best. Um, but now I see him as like the worst thing because of the way he's treating me and the way he's checked out and the way he's not working with me. And so I'm realizing that those two things can be true at the same time, you know. Um he he does have good qualities, I'm sure, and I have good qualities, but I could be a pain in the ass, just like he could be a pain in the ass. Um, I don't think I've ever done some of the things that he's done, or would I or could I. Um, but that's just, you know, we're all individuals and we all have different levels of morals and values. So, you know, I I I think there's that. I've just gotta I've gotta process that. Anyways, I I I don't know. There's that spiel. Um, so let's see. Weekend shopping, eating, art show, um, hanging out at the house. I started watching a because just pure boredom here at times. It's rained a lot. Um, you could only read so much. Um, I started watching a stupid series on Amazon Prime called Widow's Bay, and everybody's like, no, you shouldn't watch that because it's scary, it got scary parts, but it didn't bother me. I was fine with that. So I watched eight episodes of that over the week, uh the last three, four days or whatever. Um, what else is going on? Today, and I'm kind of frustrated by this. Today I have a ketamine at two o'clock, and um, I should be like thrilled, yeah, ketamine, but they've changed the time each time. First it was 10 o'clock, I think, one day, then it was 12 one day, now it's two. The thing is, you're supposed to fast for at least three hours beforehand. So in my mind, across the board, it would always be better to have an earlier time, a nine or 10 o'clock time. I'm sure it has something to do with the nurse's schedule and the uh guides' schedules and all of what that looks like. But I just think in general, um, both Preston and myself uh think that it would be better to do it in the morning. And I I can see that across the board because that way you've already fasted at night and you don't have to, you know, get to a certain point. Like I won't be able to eat lunch today, for example. And I don't usually eat breakfast. And so now I'm like, okay, should I eat breakfast before I and then schedule back to and not eat after 11, that kind of thing. Um, so I'm kind of frustrated by that. Uh nobody asked what times. It's not like you get to choose it, you know. Um, but I would definitely suggest mornings if you ever get the choice to do it. Um, it does also my fourth treatment, and they say if you haven't had any major breakthroughs, that usually your fourth or fifth are when it starts to really elevate and you start to to make more sense and process things a little bit different. So I am once again hopeful on that aspect. Um, okay, two other things I just thought of. So Preston has actually moved from this house to another house, but he's still going to be doing treatments. Um, honestly, that's one of the things that I'm kind of happy about. I love Preston, but I just I'm not used to being living with, you know, 30-year-olds. And so that's helping me a little bit. And a new guy moved in uh last night. I guess he got here around six. Uh he was already up in his room. I never saw him, but I see him outside now when I went to go get my coffee. He's out by the pool just, you know, writing notes and maybe having his coffee. And so um he is older in his 50s, so that'll be nice maybe to talk to somebody who's older and have another conversation person. Um, and yeah, I guess that's it. Um I'm trying to think. Oh, the other thing. Um, so I had a conversation with one person, and I I'm struggling with this idea of hope because I always thought, oh, hope's a good thing. I mean, how can you say hope's a bad thing? The Bible talks about, you know, hope and faith and uh, you know, just holding on, right? And so in my mind, hope was always this really great, wonderful thing. Um, but then I started, I think I'm starting to realize it's not hope in itself that's a bad thing. It's who and what you choose to hope in that could be the bad thing. I'm starting to get clarity on that and kind of uh fine-tune that a little bit, if you will, because me putting hope in other people who are incapable is really dumb. I just like I'm I'm realizing that. Like there's a a level where reality meets hope, and you realize there's no amount of talking, no amount of discussing, no amount of you know, encouragement or hope or prayers or whatever that's going to change somebody. Um, and they're gonna have to change themselves, right? So um I I feel like certain things that I hoped for in the past, it wasn't me hoping in me or God. It was me hoping for other people to be better, to raise the bar, to to do elevate themselves, the situation, the circumstances, whatever. And they came in under. Par and I would make justifications and excuses for it and say, oh, well, it's okay. You know, they're just not there yet or whatever. Um, and that's fine. I mean, people can do that. That's fine. I just think I'm at the place now at age 55 where I've got to stop settling. I I've I've got to and and realize it does me no good to want to change and hope other people change. Like I think I just um I have to get to where either A, I I accept situation and circumstances the way they are, the people the way they are, or the opposite, I move and and get a different place, a different life, and accept something somewhere else. Um, but I the the change and the hope, I think at this point, I don't think I can hope or believe in other people. Um that's just where I'm at right now. I I don't have a lot of trust in other people, confidence in other people, or hope in other people right now. And maybe maybe there's certain people in my life that I feel like I can trust and you know have faith and hope with whatever. But just generally speaking. Um, but yeah, I was talking to this one guy and he actually told me that he told his daughter a long time ago when she was younger, like 12 or something, I think, or eight, that he told her not to hope, because hope leaves you where you're just kind of sitting around and actionless, basically. Not his words verbatim, but you know, like if you're just hoping that, like, and I I get where he was saying like like, gee, I hope I lose five pounds this week, you know, this month. Well, I mean, if you're not doing anything, you know, to make that situation better, what's the point in hoping in that, right? Um I don't know. I feel like I've prayed and hoped and fasted and dreamed and wished and talked till the cows come home to make different people be and act and and raise the bar. And I think at the end of the day, I've got to stop doing that. My time, my mental energy. I it's why, why? I should only be hoping in me doing what's best for me, doing what's best for God, doing what's best for the planet, and in meaning my time here on the planet, and what other people do and what they choose and how they behave, and how they either come with integrity and honor, and you know, kindness or graciousness or or whatever, or the opposite of that, right? Like if they come with anger or resentment or bitterness or vengefulness or hostility, whatever, that's up to them, but I can't allow it to affect me. And um, somebody said I needed to do coda work, which is codependency work, and um, so I I haven't even looked it up yet, but she said it a couple times, and so I'm like, okay, I might go look up codependency work. Um, you know, I I'm I'm figuring this all out just like everybody else. And maybe I've arrived at things late in the game. Maybe I should have known this a long time ago. I I sure as shit wish I had. Um, you know, I all I can do now, just like all I could do, you know, five years ago or 10 years ago or 50, 20, 30, whatever, is my best. And I can honestly say that I have tried. I have I I can honestly say that that I have tried. Um, I never became an alcoholic. I never got addicted to meth. I never cheated on my husband. I never left my kids, you know, like I never killed anybody, I never did anything horrible and terrible that, you know, is is, you know, I I tried my best. Now, did I always have pancakes and you know, fruit and veggies on every plate? No, I'm sure there were days that it was just pancakes, you know. Um I I did my best and I know that. God knows that. Um, and I'm doing my best here, you know, I'm I'm doing my best for where I'm at, and I have to give myself a level of grace, I think, in knowing that when I made certain choices and decisions and allowed certain things in my life, I I didn't know better, you know. I've I didn't understand, we didn't have words like this growing up, you know, self-love, self-care, you know, standing up, boundaries. I mean, we we didn't, we didn't even talk like that, you know. I didn't know that I should have taken care of myself better and then I should have stuck up for myself more. And yeah, I I didn't know. I didn't know what I didn't know. And and I think that's part of going forward in any relationship or circumstance or situation. You do the best with the information and knowledge you have and you go forward. And I can honestly say I've been trying that my whole life. There wasn't a point where I just was like, yeah, I don't give a shit, you know, not gonna care at all, except when I had CPTSD and I was literally incapable. But even then I was doing the best I could. You know, I mean, we had to get rid of a dog because it was barking too much and my nervous system was shot. Now, that's a physical thing that affected me. You know, my nervous system literally was shot. So whether it's cancer, whether it's your nervous system, whether, you know, it's a divorce, whatever it is in your life that you're going through, you might not always show up to the perfect because we're human, but you do the best you can. And I I think that's what I'm really gonna focus on this week is just doing the best I can, having good conversations, you know, trying to be okay with like the fact that you know, my stuff doesn't start till two today, have nothing else to do today. Like, what am I gonna do? Um try to maybe read. I I don't know, maybe go on a hike, think about what the best I can do for me right now is, you know, if I've got to eat this morning so I don't feel lightheaded later, because I need to I need to think about those things. I need to be intentional on taking care of me and how I move in this world. And um, I'll say another thing I just thought of. Um, so I had seen this one girl give a challenge on Instagram or something, which oh, I here's the thing I did. I deleted, well, I deactivated my Facebook account. I was like, why am I spending time in Austin looking up things? We we actually went to go get something uh that off Facebook Marketplace. And I was like, okay, it took us 12 minutes to get there, 12 minutes, you know. I was like, why am I putting gas mileage on? Why am I driving, getting something? It was so that I could resell it at on my show. But the thing is, it was like, why? And I think I'm really asking myself that more often is like, why am I doing what I'm doing? You know? And I think I need to be more aware of what I'm doing. Am I mindlessly scrolling on Facebook or Instagram? I don't want to do that. Like, so why am I? You know, so I just deleted my whole account, you know. Um, this morning it said I had shows on whatnot. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna push those back till next Monday. And you know what? If if Monday comes and I don't want to have it, I'm not gonna have it. You know what I mean? Like, I need to do what's best for me, just not everybody else all the time. I've got to think about me and what's good for me too. And that's definitely a shift in my thinking that I'm really gonna work on. But there was this girl on Instagram and she um had this, I don't know, charge. It was 12 hours of gratitude. Um, and it was it's was it 12 hours? Yeah, I think it was 12 hours of gratitude, and you were supposed to come up with 10 things. I I obviously failed actually. Honestly, I thought it was 24 hours of gratitude. So maybe I need to just change it. Um, here's the things I I wrote that I had visited. Uh number one, I visited with some people outside yesterday morning. Number two, I was kind of happy that I wasn't sharing a bathroom with somebody else anymore. The other guy, he's upstairs, so I don't have to share a bathroom. So I said that was the second thing I was happy about, just having my own bathroom. Um, number three, I put that a new guy was coming and he was closer to my age. So that was number three. Number four, I went to the stone place with Charles. And number five, I talked Charles out of living in that place. And maybe we found another place for him to live. And number six, beer. Um, since Preston wasn't here, you're not supposed to have alcohol here. But I did drink a beer. Nobody was around me, nobody saw me, but I did put that down as a thing. Maybe I'm a rule breaker, maybe I shouldn't have had that. But um, the main reason you're not allowed to have anything like that is if anybody with addiction or alcohol problems is there, you just don't do that. But there wasn't anybody, so it was kind of like I was on my own and I had a beer. So um, anyways, I that's six items and it's supposed to be 10. So I got six things out of the day, but the whole goal is that you're looking for things of gratitude. You're you're trying to re rewire the pathways, you know, neuroplasticity. So if you're in a loop of negativity and seeing all the negative things, which I'm very, very good at. Like I see everything, negative and positive. Um, you know, when Charles and I were looking at a house, we were in a really bad neighborhood, and I was like, oh my gosh, look at that. Oh my gosh, look at that. And then Charles goes, but look at the pretty flowers. And so he was he was seeing the good out of the bad, and all I saw was bad everywhere. I was like, This is this is so bad. So trying to go into the day purposeful and having you know gratitude as a center for myself and thinking no matter what anybody else does, I am not in charge of them. I am not in control of if they smile, if they talk, if they're rude, if they leave messes, if they check out what I am not in charge of anybody else but me. And I think that's actually really freeing concept that I don't have to worry about anybody else but me. Now, will I? Of course I will. Will I smile? Will I talk? Will I care? Absolutely I will. Um, but that's me just sharing. Last night I sat outside and I talked to the IT guy who works here, and um, he's leaving tonight to go on a little trip to Colorado. And uh we sat out there and talked for like an hour and a half. Um, he's 28, and we just had a tremendous conversation. Um I think there's we both see value in each other and respect and you know just thoughts from life that we both have, and and we just had a great conversation, and I really appreciated that. So I'm hoping that going forward today I can have some more conversations like that. I'm planning on coming back either during ketamine or after ketamine to talk about it. Um, and yeah, I guess that's about it. So this has been a pretty long one. I hope it wasn't completely boring, but you know, I'm doing these raw. So um, and the other thing is I don't remember what I say from one episode to the next. This isn't scripted, so some of it might be redundant and and whatever. So um that that's part of the that's part of the show. Um, but at the same time, here I am with this. If I do go and publish this, this is episode 13. And um some of my friends have already been like, we really want to hear about it. We really want to listen to a podcast. And I'm like, this morning I told one friend uh that I have done 12 episodes already. She's like, send it to me. We realized it's too big of a document. I couldn't just send it. I'm gonna have to get back home and upload all these. And then I thought, you know what? This is this is me being honest, this is me being raw. I don't need to care if everybody likes it or doesn't like it. I'm doing my best here. I'm processing, I'm thinking things through, I'm telling you how I see it, what I'm dealing with. You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to like me. That's fine. I'm I'm fine with that. It's a little on the hurtful side, I will say, when people on my other podcast don't tell me why they're giving me a one star, but they do because I have a whole other podcast. But now I'm starting to realize, you know, that's not about me, that's about them. I would never do that. I would never go onto somebody's podcast, give them a one, and not explain it or message them. Um, and maybe that does make me in a different place than they are. And I I definitely think there are people who make better choices and better decisions than others, you know? So I'm just gonna do the best I can and what y'all do is up to you. Um if you find value in this, then great. If you don't, then don't listen. I mean, just like I got off Facebook Marketplace, um, because I'm like, I don't need to be spending my time doing that. Nobody's making you sit here and listen to me. If you've made it all the way through this and you're like, this was a really stupid podcast. I'm not learning anything. Well, then that's fine. Leave, you know, no gun to the head. So um, but if you are finding value in any of these, go ahead, give me a five-star rate, you know, rating and maybe a nice review and maybe share it out. Um, I I'm paying $125 a month for my podcast to be able to upload podcast. And um, so I'm not making any money off this. There's not going to be any commercials. It's not like I'm having Genesis, my my car company, you know, support this. Um I'm actually just doing this so I can tell others that might be interested in doing ketamine and be honest about my retreat experience, my thought process, and and hoping that I can help somebody. And I wish there was something like this for me. And, you know, that that's why I do it. So um, all right. I hope you guys have a great day. It's now 9 15. I've got cold coffee. I'm gonna get up and get going and figure out what goes on. And I'm gonna try to do another 12 hours of gratitude and try to get up to 10 today.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

Um, maybe you guys could try to that too. All right, talk to you later. Bye bye.