The Healing You Can’t See - Episode 15

Some of the biggest shifts aren’t dramatic—they’re quiet.

Today changed the way I think about community, healing, and what recovery actually looks like. I talk about a ketamine session that felt surprisingly uneventful, an unforgettable sound bath, deleting Facebook, learning to be more intentional with my time, and why the people around me insist I’m healing even when I can’t always recognize it myself.

As my time here begins winding down, I’m wrestling with what it will mean to go home, whether change is already happening beneath the surface, and what it looks like to trust a process before you can see the results.

#KatabasisPodcast #HealingJourney #KetamineTherapy #MentalHealth #TraumaRecovery #CPTSD #PersonalGrowth #SelfReflection #Community #SoundBath #FaithAndHealing #EmotionalHealing #LifeTransitions #PurposefulDescent #RecoveryJourney

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Okay, so I think this is episode 15. And uh it's about 10 30 on what day is today? The 8th, Monday the 8th. Um earlier I did the sound bath, which I recorded, and uh I don't know when I'm gonna publish these all at once or you know individually. We'll figure that out as we go, but yeah, it's about 10 41. Well, it is 1041. And um it's been a pretty good day. I will say I feel like last time I came on and I talked about just different things. I I think I was like, oh, I don't want to do community again. This is crazy. But today I feel like my whole everything changed on that. And as I'm brushing my teeth just a little bit ago, I thought, yeah, I probably need to tell you how my mind shifted so much on that. Um, so I think community is really good and really beautiful as long as you've got the right people. And there, I just hung out with three beautiful people. Um Charles, Christina, and Robin. And all three of us just sat in the kitchen talking and hanging out. And Robin had her her phone on country music, and they were um playing with each other's hair and just hanging out, talking around the kitchen table. And Charles made some Japanese yams, which are something new that I never had before coming here, and you can get them at like Central Market here in Texas. Um, but they're purple yams, and the inside is white and fluffy and kind of like eating clouds. And he just made those with some butter and salt, and it was so good. But I feel like I have so much to tell you. I'm like, where do I start? Um well, um, yeah, I did not record between ketamine this morning and tonight. So a lot has transpired. Um, actually, ketamine didn't happen until probably about 1.30. It was over about 2:30-ish, you know, somewhere around there. It felt like it went really fast today. It was, I mean, we tried to put some in one arm and then boost in the other arm, which is something you can try to do if you're wanting it to last longer, which when I talked to the nurse, that was the plan. But for some reason, it I was like, How is it over already? Like I felt like I didn't do anything. Honestly, it felt like it had been five minutes, but she said it was more like 45 minutes. So I don't know where I was, I don't know what my brain was. I know when I had CPTSD, I I actually lost chunks of time. Um, and that was just very weird and strange to me to have that happen. Um, so anyways, in the past and now. Um, but I was like, okay, just stick with the process, you know, like I they've said, miracle grow for the brain. It's still working, even when you're not in that head space and that time. And most of these last for like the actual time where you've got the head headphones on and you've got the eye mask on and you're in a yurt or whatever for about 45 minutes to an hour, but the feeling afterwards can linger for like, you know, two, three, four hours, whatever. And uh, so when I I got done, I was walking back to I felt like okay when I first stood up. I was like, oh, I hardly feel anything. Doo doo doo. But then as I was walking back, I felt a little tipsy turvy, which is just like just off balance a little bit, not terrible, but a little, and like your head's floating a little bit. And uh Justin helped me back to the to the space, said food was going to be delivered in 40 minutes, which I was kind of uh I kind of feel like if you ever do this, you should have food in place. Um, if you're gonna do this here or wherever, um, just because especially my ketamine session was at 12. I suggested that they always do them at like eight or nine in the morning, 10 at the very latest. That way you're fasting. Um, but anyways, it got pushed back. And so by the time actually food got here and everything, it was around 3 or 3:30, some something like that. And so I was I was starving. They um ordered um Mexican food, which I had mentioned, and they did get what I wanted, except well, they ordered what I wanted, it just didn't come as I wanted. We didn't get the cheese enchiladas, but we got um uh obviously Mexican food, and it was good, and I was so happy to eat. And when I eat, I feel a little bit better. I think it's because it's your body's just absorbing, you know, nutrients and whatever. Um, I also did a mineral pack and a like an element type kind of thing, an electrolyte pack, and I think that helped me. I haven't had any headaches since like the first one and two or two and three, something like that. So, no, I guess it would be one and two. I had headaches, but I have not had headaches since doing that. So I highly suggest if you ever do this, that you get your minerals, your electrolytes, get some food, because I really think that's important to just feel better. Um, what else? So I ate and then I was like, nobody was around, and which is, you know, it kind of I I wish that sometimes when you're done with it, there it was just like a chill time or something. And I don't know, I don't know, but I was by myself and I didn't know what to do. Um, it had been raining, so I couldn't really go outside. I didn't, I wasn't ready to take a nap because I haven't been sleeping well the last two nights. I've been up from like, I don't know, like 2:30 or 3 till like 5:30 or 6 the last two nights. And that's really been rough. I hate being up in the middle of the night. Um, a lot of people think it's menopause or whatever. I think it might have been anxiousness, um, maybe some stress about going back home and what that's gonna look like and what's gonna be said and how you know conversations are gonna be had, whatever, because there's a lot of uncertainty there. I still a lot of conversations, a lot of thinking, a lot of processing about that. Um, so maybe I don't know. Well, who knows what it is? Does it really matter? Um, but anyways, so I was like, well, I'm not gonna take a nap. What am I gonna do? And I had already been actually before I went this morning, I just kind of hung out. Um, I had a hard-boiled egg. I didn't want to have too much food, but you know, um, I had a hard-boiled egg and some coffee this early this morning, and that's basically it. And then um, so afterwards, when I after I had eaten the food, I ate by myself at the table, justin had a meeting or something. And so I I ate real quick with the dogs that are here and hung out, and then I watched a um started watching a movie. I don't even remember what I was watching. Oh, yeah, I do. Fly me to the moon was the movie, just because I couldn't find anything and I was just frustrated with even trying to find something. Um, I guess I think intentionally, like if I was gonna plan this whole thing out, I would plan what am I gonna eat? Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna watch? What am I gonna read? Am I gonna take a nap? And even if you change your mind, at least you have some kind of plan. I don't ever have a plan, except I'm gonna get to that. It's kind of changed a little bit, but I think it's important to have a plan, just so you can maybe be a little bit better with that. Um, but I've got to go back all the way to this morning and what happened besides just telling you that we were in a different yurt. Um, and this one was not near as nice or as cozy for me. I didn't feel like it was as comfortable and it was really bright, and it just didn't have the same vibe as the one I had been in previous. And I think this is another element, an issue. I think if you're gonna do this, especially if you're gonna do, you know, three in a row, four in a row, whatever, five, six, whatever, you should try to find the same doctor, same guide, whatever, the same place, and you know, the same, you know, food, you know, plan, schedule, all of it, just to give you, I mean, maybe if you're not a person with any anxiety whatsoever, then it wouldn't matter. But I'm not a high anxiety person, at least I don't think I am. Um, but I feel like it changes things, you know, and I wasn't comfortable. I didn't like the blanket, I didn't like my pillow, I didn't like the mat. I didn't like the room. And instead of me standing up for myself and saying, Well, could we be somewhere else? I'm not really feeling this. I just went with the flow and was like, okay, you know, I'll make the best of the situation, which is what I do a lot of the time. And I did, and now I kind of regret it. Um, I feel like I wish we had gone to the other one. I don't even know if it was available or if it could have changed or we could have rescheduled. I just didn't want to rock the boat, and so I didn't say anything. And but it the ketamine session didn't go as well, and so I'm gonna keep getting to that. But, anyways, um so okay, so I fell I was sitting there watching um fly me to the moon, and then people came in and started talking to me, and then it was like boom, boom, boom, and then the next thing you know, I don't even know. It's like time just passes differently here. It just the day before you know it, the day is like over or in the middle of it, and you're like, How did it already get to be this late? You know? Um, so by the time I watched a little bit of the movie and I looked at people, it was 5:30. And then I was like, oh my gosh. And then just a little bit of reading and talking and conversations here and there. Next thing I knew, it was like, okay, well, now it's time to get ready for the sound bath at 7:30. So I was like, oh yeah, sound bath at 7:30. And so I was like, okay, I'm gonna go sit in the sun and intentionally, you know, um, to get some sun because I there was hard, it was raining a lot today. So I went and sat up on this really, really nice big rock um to the left when you're going up to the temple sanctuary area. And I don't know what the building's called, honestly. But um, anyways, so when I I went up there, um I sat on that and just hung out for a while. Uh, just other little things here and there, but um, that was really nice just to kind of sit in the sun and just just chill, you know. Then we went to the sound bath, and this is like my most exciting thing of the day. Um, Christina Joy did the sound bath, and she was amazing. And I guys, I should have recorded when I was telling people about it and telling her about it. I don't even know if I told, I I think I did record it a little bit, but it was really amazing. Um, I just feel like the whole experience was great. The sounds, how she sprayed flower spray on us, how there was running water in there, that just the the at one point she was massaging my head with her nails. Um, she put her hands on different parts of my body, like up um on my shoulders or up by my neck or my ankles or wherever. And um, it was just a it was a wonderful experience. And there's the new guy here, and he also did it with me, and he thought it was wonderful too. Um, probably not as excited as I was. Um, I had done a sound bath when I first got here with somebody else, and that I did, I think I probably mentioned it. It was good, but for maybe it was the ketamine. I definitely feel like I got more out of it. So I told her, I was like, why are we not doing this right after ketamine? It just seems like a no-brainer because you're just in this, you're in if you well, we did 10 minutes of breath work before I started recording on the last episode. Um, and I didn't have that. It didn't even occur to me. And so the 10 minutes of breath work were things like, you know, take a deep breath, okay, release. And it was really fine. And then she just kind of amped it up. Okay, now take four deep breaths. Now three, now two, breathe one, in, out, in, out, you know, and she was telling us how to breathe and when to breathe and how long to hold and all of that. That was about 10 minutes. And then after the 10 minutes, it started with the these bowls, and she uses some kind of wand, or I don't know, there's a oh, I think it's called a mallet, a wand and a mallet, and she just did this amazing sounds, and it was just so tranquil, and I just feel like it just resonated with my body. I feel like my nervous system just was like, oh, it was just melting, like, and she tells you to visualize things, and it was just amazing. And I loved it, and I feel like going to bed now, I'm gonna sleep so much better. And yeah, and I also took sleepy tea. I also have magnesium that we got at the farmer's market that I'm gonna put on the soles of my feet with socks. Um, but yeah, super, super um amazing thing. And I I had all these thoughts during it, like just random thoughts that popped up, like, ooh, I wish Preston hadn't eaten the chicken because we could have um chicken um nachos for dinner. And I was thinking about that. Um, I had the thought pop in my head of my kids and hugging each of my kids and me just crying because I was so filled with love in there with that and just wanting to be with them and see their faces. That was a part where I was like crying and I had to take the mask off so that I would stop crying. Um, it didn't last, you know, like terribly long. I was able to like compose and you know, listen to the music again. And then I thought of a time in the future, thinking of her doing a sound bath like in a park, and everybody being there from moms with kids and strollers to people like families with the picnic tables and and uh blankets on the grass and everything, and even homeless people there listening to her do a sound bath. And it was just like this idea that she's just got this gift and this talent and she's giving it to the world. And then afterwards, I told her that, and she said she has friends who do that, and it was it was just a really honestly, it was probably one of my favorite experiences so far. Um, I've been talking about food, we eating at great restaurants as being one of my favorite things, eating at Toss and then eating at Juliet and this, and uh, you know, whatever. So hanging out in the pool, getting some sun one day was a highlight, you know, going different places. I think overall it's gonna be nice for me to have these recordings to remember all these different things. Although I feel like from Thursday all the way up until Monday, I didn't record anything or remember about it. Um, that's probably a good thing. Okay, before I forget, I also got rid of Facebook. I realized, you know, I remember when people started telling me about Facebook, it was about 15 years ago. And I remember I was one of the later people to get a phone in general. I was like, I don't need a phone, I'll be fine without it. Now I see myself totally addicted to my phone. If I don't have my phone with me, I'm like, wait, where's my phone? Where's my phone? Um, it is like an extension of me. And I I'm really starting to realize I don't like that. Um, since I've been here, I've been able to put it down and walk away and go read a book or go hang out or do other things without my phone. And that's been really nice. Um, but just thinking about my time and what I want to be doing with my time and realizing that we only have so much time. And do I really want to spend it on Instagram or Facebook? And just, you know, what a waste. And I I remember way back in the day, um, I guess this was probably like, you know, six, eight years ago or something, going from like five, six hundred people and just I made a little post like, I'm gonna get rid of a lot of you. Sorry, it's just because I follow you or I friended you, or you friended me, and I really don't know who you are, because nobody can really keep up with that many people. And it would just be this like barrage of information. It was just too much. So I kept whittling it down to like 300 and then 200, and now I'm at like 97. And I was like, even 97 seems like a lot. I know some of them don't post as much, and I don't post that much, and I don't go to it that much, but it's like, why? Why? So I got rid of Facebook like completely. I took it off my phone, I deactivated it. I'm sure there's a way for me to get back into it, but I was like, the reason I really was keeping it was so that I could buy things to turn around and resell and or buy from my house, um, because I do sell, resell. Um, and I was like, what a I just I guess I'm seeing things from a different perspective. I just I think how dumb has that been? I don't know. It just seems so clear to me right now. Maybe my mind will change, you know. Um, but anyways, okay, back to the sound bath thing. Um, I did suggest that on Thursday when I do ketamine, I have ketamine at 10 o'clock. And I said, Christina, could you do this after ketamine? That would be so amazing. Instead of me coming back here looking for food and you know, then watching TV or being by myself, I would really, really like that. I think hopefully I have a good ketamine session and do get somewhere. I was really hopeful for today. Um, we'll do it in the different yurt, and this will happen. And there's just this like I'm trying to figure out if there's something in me that I'm doing wrong or saying wrong or processing wrong or thinking wrong or not giving up or whatever that is preventing me from getting this aha moment. Oh, that's the other thing that happened. At one point, I talked to this girl, Heather. There's two Heathers here, and this one had been on vacation, and she was here, and I was talking to her for a little bit, and um, she said, It's I'm in the healing process, but I just don't I'm just not aware of it. And other people have said that to me too. They're like, we can tell you're healing by the things you're saying and the way you're processing, and this and that. And I guess I just get too into my head, you know, and they're saying I just need to go with the process and realize it's part of the process that this is this is healing, and that I am gaining wisdom. I'm I am learning things, I am connecting dots, I am looking at things from different perspectives, and I'm sure that's true. Um, I'm not journaling probably as much as I should. I am putting notes in my phone, and maybe at the end of this, I kind of go through the notes and and and talk about that. Um, but yeah, I'm like, wow, I only have four more days. And there's a part of me that wants to try like different things, like plant that everybody talks about plant medicines, um, different things. And there's a part of me that thinks, hmm, what is that? And I mean, not everybody, but a couple people have said stuff. And um just curiosity, you know. Um, there's something called IBUGain, which one of these people are going to Mexico to do. Um, actually, somebody who's already left, and I was like, I've never even heard of these things. Um so I I feel like the world is kind of it's a different place. It's a different place, it's a different town, it's a different environment, different people. So um it's been good. It's been eye awakening, you know. Um, but basically, yeah, after I got back from the sound bath, I I that was like almost nine o'clock, 8 45 or something. It was like an hour long. And then from maybe nine o'clock, and then from nine to ten thirty, we just sat in the kitchen talking and hanging out and nothing. And then I was like, okay, I need to go to bed. And everybody, everybody else was getting ready to go to bed. So we all just decided, okay, that's it. So tomorrow I have in I'm not sure what time it is. I think it's at 10. I have what they're calling integration counseling, and I'm gonna talk to her. I don't know if I'm gonna record it or not. I'm still wondering if I'm gonna record, you know, I've I've recorded all this. I still haven't published any of it because I don't have my computer, and without my computer, it just it's a little bit harder process. Um I'm sure I can borrow somebody's computer and get in there and do it. I just don't even want To think at that level about anything like that. I feel like I should really not be thinking about, you know, things here or people here as much as I should be thinking about my own stuff and, you know, processing my life and what I want and what I believe in and what I think and next steps and all of that. Um, and everybody keeps telling me that they're very proud of me, and they're saying things like, I wish my mom was like this smart, and my mom was worried, you know, or concerned about you know her future and where she was and what she's believing and what she's thinking. And I I I liked that. That was very sweet. Um, but yeah, some of the comments I've said as a mother and dealing with my kids, these kids have cried with me and hugged me, and uh, we've just really bonded, and they're like, we see it from a mother's perspective now. And I'm like, well, that's great for these people that I'm, you know, friends now, but for them to get something out of it. And and there's been different things that they have implemented in their lives that have helped them with their relationships with their moms. And I think that's wonderful and great. And I'm very happy for them. I'm just like, there's a part of me that's like, but what about me? What about my kids listening to me? You know, like what about that relationship? Because that's one of the main reasons I'm here and I've been grieving and dealing with this for so long. And I just have to figure out how to process it. But at the same time, it, you know, that's human nature that we all want everything now, right? Like nobody likes the waiting room. And even though I'm going through the healing process and I'm learning things and I'm having conversations and processing and slow and low, that is the tempo, as the beastie boys say, I just I don't know it all. I haven't figured it all out. I don't know what I'm doing. And a lot of it is contingent on other people. And I don't know if I've said this or not. I try not to repeat myself, but they said I need to do codependency work. Um, there's some kind of group called Coda, and um, I need to think about myself and not everybody else so much. And I'm really trying really, really hard to do that. Like I'm I'm trying, you know. Um, I did say it feels really selfish, and I don't know if that's really what God wants us to do. I'm still struggling with that too. Like, you know, and then they're like, if you heal yourself, then your family can heal. And that's one of the things I heard today. I don't know if it was in I in uh the ketamine or if it was in sound bath, but that's one of the things I heard. Um, and I don't know if it was my own self or if it was God or what it was. It wasn't a it wasn't a friend here. It was definitely in one of those things, and it was like if you heal yourself, you can heal your family. And I thought, that's great, you know, but what does that look like? Yeah, still trying to figure it out. But I I will say also too, I talked to the new guy and he said that his perspective, he's done 12 treatments so far, and he said his perspective changed. And while he was here, he he didn't realize necessarily how much all of his perspective was changing, but going back home, that's when you really see it and you realize how much. And I said, Did your family and other people realize it? And he's like, Oh yeah, oh yeah, they'll recognize it. So I don't know, it's it's interesting, you know, the whole just idea that you know, we're all characters and on a play, you know, and we all have our lines and we all interact a certain way. And when one of the actors on the stage, you know, has different lines or different scenario or does something different, everybody else up on that stage has to figure out where they're gonna go and what that looks like. And that's kind of I think I've said that before, but um, that's kind of what I keep keep going back to is what does this look like going back home? But it's only four days left. I'm hoping I sleep well tonight. A lot of uh a lot of changes are happening here. You know, this new guy came in. I guess some other people were here today doing um some cat two couples were here and they did a group uh session earlier. Um there's something on Thursday night too. I didn't find out what it is. Something's going on Thursday night. Um, but 10 o'clock is that, and then I I don't know exactly what else we're doing tomorrow. I can't drive on ketamine days, so it's automatic. I know Monday and Thursday I'm not going anywhere. So it's like, okay, Wednesday is like the middle of the you know week, and there's not integration or ketamine. That's like the one day we could do something. And some people said they went to New Bronzefills, which is like a water park. Not new, no, it's called um Schlitterbahn, not New Bronzeville's. We've been talking about New Bronzefills. Uh Schlitterbahn, it's like a water park, and there's like two or three different locations, and they were talking about east and west and how much fun it is, and you know, the whole vibe. And um some of us wanted to go, but some we schedules. I don't know if we're gonna get to go or not. Um, but if not now in the future, I'd really like to come back and and maybe go to shoulder rod, maybe bring the kids. I don't know. Um, it just sounds like fun, but it also sounds like a lot to try to get our schedules and life together, you know, right now because so many working parts, people moving, people coming in, you know, whatever. So also the other thing I'm really gonna try to do tomorrow. I'm gonna try to get out to the pool. It's supposed to be 91 degrees, and also I'm gonna really try to get in the sauna, the cold plunge, and the um hot tub. I'm gonna try to do those three things tomorrow with that. I'm gonna be intentional about it because I've been here this whole time and I haven't gotten any of those. I haven't done the cold plunge, the hot tub, or the sauna. And I'm like, they're there. It's just they're not as close to the house. People aren't going with me. It's kind of tuck over. There's one to the right, there's one to the left, but I just I haven't gone down there enough and or and planned it with anybody. Actually, I think one when I talked to Heather, she said she could bring her swimsuit tomorrow so she could go with me. And I think that's kind of the deal. It's like I just don't want to go by myself. It would be better to have somebody with me. So we'll see if that happens. But, anyways, okay, 30 minutes. I think I'm done. And uh yeah, I'll come back. All right, bye.