Closing Ceremony - Episode 20

It’s my last day here, and my closing ceremony turned into one of the most meaningful goodbyes of my life. I sit with the people who walked this journey with me as they reflect back what they saw in me, and I share the lessons I’m carrying home: how two truths can exist at once, how I’ve spent my life pouring into everyone else while forgetting to receive love myself, and why saying what I want instead of what I don’t want is changing everything. I talk through my caretaker patterns, the moment I finally spoke up for myself, and a synchronicity with a stone that felt like confirmation I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

#Katabasis #HealingJourney #CPTSD #Authenticity #Boundaries #SelfDiscovery #Reframing #FaithAndHealing #InnerWork #NewBeginnings #KarriKennedy

Transcript

SPEAKER_12 0:25

Where are you going?

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Absolutely, yeah. Really fun to get to know you.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

Robin gets to experience a goodbye of the closing ceremony.

SPEAKER_08 0:58

So come take a told her I'm doing a closing ceremony. She goes, You must be special. We're saying it in a nice way. Okay.

SPEAKER_09 1:11

Of course you're special.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

What we do with this ceremony, so like why what why we do a ceremony, but just like a moment of intention, is that you know, you've been with us, and we have gotten to be with you on a little bit of your journey, and just for it to be like a closure as you leave this place and also a little bit of a reflection because we've gotten to be with you, and then if there's things that you want to share with us, right? So okay, yeah. So hopefully I won't burn your arm on this one.

SPEAKER_08 1:44

She's putting the wait, this is sage, right? This is sage. She she was doing this to me when I was in the thing with this thing. And then I was like, I'm burning.

SPEAKER_07 1:55

And then she was giving it on the blanket. I don't know my bike, and I was like, we don't want a fire. Can you imagine the fire ramifications of those ears?

SPEAKER_02 2:07

It's like, ooh, we need maybe a fire. Since I've gotten to do this with you, and I know other people have too. This is just like a little ceremonial remembrance of yes, there is woo-woo, but then there is also the intentionality and heart of this place. I know that we have had our issues and our ups and downs, but I also know that you know that we care. And we do. Thank you. Thank you. So I just don't want to express that. So in this opportunity that we get to spend a few moments just to appreciate you, first of all. And so I know when you first arrived and I got a chance to be with you, and I know there was a lot of things that were coming up. Something that I appreciated right away was your ability and courage to just have your boundaries, name what you needed, express everything, even though I know there was a lot around that of like maybe on that or maybe on this. Like right away, I was like, I this is I can trust this. There's like, you know, truth, there's the honesty, you know, it's just like I appreciate that you did not just, you know, try and accept it or somebody, you know, whatever it was that you express what you needed. And I really honor that. And I also like honor that in ways that maybe other times I know with a lot of what you're working with, maybe there's been moments where that's felt like too much, or you've had to quiet that part of you. And I just want to honor that part of you that that does have knowing and truth and that does need to speak. That that really has wisdom. You know, and I've always been kind of like the mother of the house here, and then other mama came. Other mama carry came, and then mama carry took everybody under her wings. And that's what you do, and that's all we talked about. And that is a gift of yours. People feel held, people feel seen. And I wish that were you. I want you to know that I see you. I see I see your strength, I see the light that you have, I see the courage, I see the goodness, the kindness, the compassion, the ability to connect with others. And that's really there. So don't allow those other voices and other, you know, whatever. If people are not vibing with that, they're not your people. Right? And so, like, yeah, I see you, and I really see that, and I see I know you've had to sit with the unknowing of what does this mean? Maybe I'm not healing, all these things. And I I do believe that you're you're receiving the wisdom that you need to, and you will you will overcome I don't know how long or how messy or all the difficult things, but I do feel that you will come to a place to get what you deserve, which is a better quality of being appreciated, being seen, be able to love on people and do what you do with your magic. So thank you for bringing that here. Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing that here. I really feel that. And I'm like, we're we're really used to you within that time period. Two weeks is like months, right? It's like, whoa, you're not gonna be here all of a sudden. So I hope you can keep the connection with us and you can come, you know, maybe visit or at least drop us lines and let us know how you're doing. Just know that we're thinking of you and with you. So thank you for enriching uh me and my experience with who you are. And I'm really, really wishing through all of this that you can keep your faith and your hope, and that you can begin to see the light, and that you can have those things and recognize that you deserve it, and that that's coming and holding that for you for me. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 5:58

Thank you.

SPEAKER_09 6:01

I always gotta come after you.

SPEAKER_11 6:02

I gotta say a lot because he had a very uh surprising but intimate experience with you. You gave me the opportunity to see clearer and fall in love with my own mother two mothers more than I ever have. I was able to see them in you and through you and change my relationship with myself and my mother and my reality of them because of what you brought into my life. Which is awesome.

SPEAKER_06 6:35

I'm very thankful that that happens.

SPEAKER_11 6:39

Very different, but just that thing that you're talking about where what you speak comes from your gut, and Hawaii, we call that the nao. It's like the truth that just comes out. And I love and also how you allow for Charles to his optimism to kind of ship us and your nao can also come through with what's safe and what needs to be fixed, but also look at the pretty flower. Look what is working out, yeah. And just watching you do that makes me believe it's possible for my stepmama and my mama to do that, and watching you grow makes my reality change. You brought that into my life. Good. I'm happy. Yes, me too. And I hope you believe that more things are possible too, because it's awesome, especially Charles with the kind of all the sun vibes that we've got. I thought that was so precious to watch. And I also want to say, if there was ever someone to believe in, oh my gosh, your shift from the time we got here to now, to me, and being very sensitive as I am, and very woo as I am. The grounded part of me says, I fucking believe in you. I believe that you're gonna cut cut the bullshit and you're going to create the life that you deserve, as she said.

SPEAKER_10 7:52

I really think you're gonna freshly look at little tools in your belt. It's about those reparenting tools, right? Which you are already good at that. You're just gonna shock me and a little bit here and thank you for teaching me that I can speak straightforward and not not be abandoned in it.

SPEAKER_06 8:16

Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_11 8:17

I want all the good things for you. I want all the cushy things for you. The sweet sauce.

unknown 8:24

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_12 8:27

Yeah, yeah, I get it, yeah. Fantastic.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

My turn from the feminine to the masculine.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Alright, we'll take it.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

Yeah. In a good way, in a loving way. Uh I want to echo, you know, something that is important to me, and that's authenticity. And also what I honor deeply is the ability to speak one's truth and to share that with others. You know, a lot of people aren't able to do that, neither myself at the time. I believe we all do that because and your strength and being able to speak your truth and to be with it, and to share it with others, I think you know that's authenticity at its core. And you are a great example of that. And I remember when you first came in and we sat here and you had the papers printed, you're like, I don't know how y'all are gonna take this, and but you did it because you felt like I want to share this as a gift.

SPEAKER_06 9:21

And I and my thing was even if you didn't accept it or you don't or whatever, I'm fine with that. Like, here you go. Yep, you know.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah, and and when we sat there, you kept up all this like, no, no, I like this. Like, this is you're speaking your truth, and you're speaking, you know, and all a lot of meets it.

SPEAKER_03 9:36

Some things are working on it, and they helped us.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Like, and I mean, honestly, we have shifted. I I I last week just had a lot of downloads, but we shifted our model, and like starting in a couple weeks, like we're doing four days and it's jam-packed every day, scheduled all day long.

SPEAKER_12 10:00

Where are those big black trash bags at?

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Um, trash bags, big ones.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

We have some there, and and then if those aren't big enough, they went to the temple.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Yeah. Um, but yeah, like it it shifted what we what we initially were thinking of okay to more like just give people space, give people time. We had a completely different model like four months ago.

SPEAKER_08 10:25

Yeah, we had and the thing that I realized while I'm here, I I've said four things recently to myself. Like I learned these four things, but I think it's actually more. If I if I sit down and write away, but one of the things is two things can be true at the same time. You can have black and you can white, have white, and you can have gray. And and you know, it can be that people come here and they want, like a folks, you know, I want this and I want this and I want that. And it can also be true that there's people like Dermott who want to just sit around and do nothing. Yeah, both of those things can be done at the same time, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It can be, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

And and like just from an organizational standpoint, like you've been heard in a way. And I mean that not just like going hurt in one ear out the other. Like, that's not like that's not what's happening, even for myself. Like, I was helping the ceremony last weekend. First thing that came up here were in my own ceremony was what's happening here, you know, because this is such a big part of my life and what I'm committed to and helping people.

SPEAKER_06 11:37

Which I appreciate. I think that's good.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

And it's important to be able to have people uh give feedback and learn from them. Let's need to do we we change, we adapt, and we learn, but back to honoring your ability to speak up, you know, and to to say something, and to say this is my reality, and I'm gonna share it with you. And I've also seen and we we talked the other day about walking around in this. And then this one gets burned. Um but I also wanted to thank you for you know being vulnerable with me, and we shared you know, both ways you know the other day. You know, I think you you're such a caregiving person and a godmother figure as well. And I think it's and I think you do know this, like you are also helping. You know, there's there's great spirit that holds you up and also and guides you, and we can take that time to like listen to it, to hear it, to turn off all the noise, everything else in all creating margin. Yeah, you share that. You share that with me, and I also think it was about you telling yourself that also, and that was a beautiful thing because it is such an important thing for me that I've told myself also, and I've learned when I start to suggesting things for people, I'm like it's usually a reflection for myself too. And I I felt that in a way that you really wanted me to feel that and understand to take the space for myself as a learning lesson. For both of us, right? To take that time, it's important to take that time to just be still and listen. And then also what I like doing that resonate with you, you can't just be still all the time, you gotta do stuff. I can't sit around like a cowardly data all day. Spiritual move people that will just be like, oh, I'm just doing this, and there's life that also let's get some shit back, yeah. Yeah, yeah, so it's finding that balance, right? Yeah, taking the time to listen right about what to do, and then go fucking do it. And I think you have that energy and you're learning how to listen just a little bit. It takes time, healing takes patience because those those those wounds that were created were created in a week over a long period. So healing takes time.

SPEAKER_08 14:16

Patterns, patterns, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

And it's an ongoing process, that would be a day that you're just like, oh, done. Arrive, arrive, done, get out of here.

SPEAKER_07 14:26

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

I think such very distracted from you from being here. Appreciated all the medicine you brought for everybody in here.

unknown 14:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Well, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Like you yourself are a healer and a guide with up to people if you are probably having since you were a child. And you know, that's a role that I think was chosen by a great career spirit. It's kind of a great responsibility that I think you carry very well. And so I look up to you for that. Thank you for talking about that space. I look forward to hearing from you.

SPEAKER_08 15:14

Yeah. She's on vacation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

But you know, even for myself, I find, you know, this when we are in that space of helping others, it's then how do we hold our own selves from doing our option? Right? And those are the greatest tests. I think those are keepers and guides have the greatest tests put in front of them. They can't prove that they embody the wisdom that is thinking. And I think that's why I tell us you can be testables.

SPEAKER_06 16:00

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Okay, Lane in your last. But um, no, we've had a great time getting there in this two weeks, and the this past week, especially. The first week I was going down a very overstimulated personal week and wasn't really uh this past like six weeks of my surgery has been. I'm not one that speaks up for myself, which you do so well, and it was it's been a lot of voicing for myself, and it's not something I typically do, so it's been a good thing. Are you mad? It's been like particularly overwhelming for me having to voice up for myself, and I wasn't in uh the best slot for receiving. So I was kind of in a blocked-off energy. But once I kind of figured my stuff out, and then starting to get some of my little outlets back that I'm able to regulate myself, I started to, you know, appreciate it and be like, no, you're right, you're been right the whole time, and I should have been more over that first week, but I was just brought around stuff for the I already know. I I think as I as I saw yours in Charles relationship of all, I I noticed that like it's all coming from a place of uh love and just that motherly energy that they've all smoothing up. It's not out of you know, you've been working for doing anything wrong. It's just you're a mother and you've raised six kids. Like maybe you know a thing or two about how they don't get some shit online, and like seeing you just really care for Charles like that and keeping you out of any bad situations and just just just being there for him, also, and and him being there for you. It's just I I saw that like what was at first truthfully kind of bothering me, was like, no, you're right, we're we need to do this after this just because I'm not able to, like, because if I was able to, I don't have been moving stuff for you and doing stuff and I was like, I want to be there that I can help you, and like do that stuff as well. So I just appreciate you, and I I reflected through you those times I had to speak up for myself, being like, it's not so scary, it's actually quite easy to do. I need to do it more. Right, and I'm fine. I I admire that about you, and I I need a piece of that and lessons that you've been building, but you're your your um sense of yourself and just knowing what you need and being able to ask for it is something most people lack, I would say. And yeah, I think they all just come from that that motherly place your heart that just wants to help. And like from the horror gallery when you went to go for fix my string that was hanging in my shirt.

SPEAKER_08 18:50

She purposely cut her shirt, and I thought it was a mummy. That means a lot, but yeah. Okay, I'm gonna do all yeah. But you don't have to go one to one.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Okay, well, what we offer you can do that. Uh what I'd say to offering you, feel free to do what's natural, but just anything you want to speak about, anything with your experience, anything you're wanting to go forth with. And then if you want to speak.

SPEAKER_08 19:43

Do you wanna hear? Okay, here's the question. Do you want to hear some of my lessons that I've learned? Yes. I like I said, I've got like I could probably write a bunch, but right now, here in the now, I can tell you a few. Okay. So number one is the black and white thinking. Because I think I and I know this isn't a thing. I know that the reason I created black and white thinking was from a place of I needed protection. This is a good person, this is a bad person, this is a safe situation, this isn't negative, you know what I mean? So I know that I did that, but now I know that it doesn't have to be black and white everywhere. Two truths can exist at the same time, right? Or multiple according to her problem and multiple, right? Right. So that the first one is not black and white thinking, two truths can exist at the same time, like what we're talking about. Yeah, this place can be so much more than it is right now, right? You know, I can visualize it, like I can, you know, see the future, whatever. But my vision of it and your vision and your vision, everybody's vision might be something else, but that's okay. You know, um, another thing is I like community, but only some community. That is another thing I learned. Like, all community is not created equal. Um I think that preference matters, and you know, like that's a big deal, right? Like you need to be where you feel safe and who you're with, and that's a really big aspect of this, you know. Like I've learned two truths community, you know, true at the same time, black and white thinking, community can be good, but you really need to choose wisely, you know, even even in this situation, like you know, and I'm I won't go into detail, but I think you get it. Um, another thing is, and we did this earlier. I'm I I took Charles to go see this really bad place. Long story short, it is a bad place, like subjectively, objectively, it's bad. But he naturally saw the pretty flowers and he saw good things amidst the crap that was there. And so I am going to try to be more like Charles and find the flock. And then so look for the good and the positive. And the other thing, two things instead of saying what I Don't want, I am going to say what I want. Okay. Yeah. So instead of going, like I've lived in my house, I just did uh said this, but in my house we have these white marble floors. I hated them when we moved into the house. I never wanted them. I for seven years I've been complaining about them. I hate these damn floors, I hate cleaning them, I hate walking on them, I hate the whole, like I hate them. And instead of me going, I want this and how can I get this? And is this going to work? Which I have had conversations with my husband. I did want to put hardwoods over it or something. But instead of really working towards a solution and going, okay, instead of saying and bitching and moaning and complaining, oh, I don't like these floors, I don't like these, you know what I mean? How could I reframe that to go, I want new floors? And if I don't get new floors by X date, you know, or if I don't get the you know, money or whatever, and and the agenda and the trajectory. And part of that actually has come up also with Charles, because I was trying to make Charles elevate himself and see his potential and all of his goodness and be able to see his future, you know, and I think I can see his future just like I can see here, but he can't. So you know what I mean? So it was really good for me to pour into him and go, dude, you are so smart, you're so capable, you're such a good human being, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then two, realizing I don't do that to myself. Yes. It's really that's that's the next thing is I can give and give and give. I freaking Dermot wasn't down here yesterday, and I was worried about him getting his food. Now I know it's not my responsibility, it's not my place. I've no, I don't even work here. Yeah, but I was just concerned for him and I wanted him to eat. I literally just sat with you and him, and I was worried that you both didn't have water.

SPEAKER_04 24:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 24:09

So I get that I have given and given and given of myself, and that I'm constantly looking and managing and handling, you know, and I've been doing that for a really long time, whether it's you know, the school situation, the kids' situation, the life situation, what at the friend situation. And it's wonderful to give. And I'm not saying I shouldn't be doing that, right? But I think I've realized I need to go, okay, wait, I if I'm pouring and I'm pouring and I'm pouring, what the f is life for me? Yeah, and it comes back, it comes back to that balance thing, right? Like, how am I finding the balance and receiving? And even to the point where, and I think I showed you somebody sent me a text email, and this happens on a regular basis because I have groupies. I know you guys think that's weird, but a groupie, somebody I did a consultation with sent me this message that says, I believe that you deserve the best things in life, and you are my hero and my inspiration. And I like read that and started crying because I could receive that. And so that's another thing. I just not only mean to feel like I'm capable of that, yeah, but that I can receive that.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

Yeah, I can liable just like you were saying right now, and you were saying what you can see of Charles, and then I know, and I need to be able to leave see that of you, but then you're like, you know, that's that's like it is, it's very important that you're understanding that about yourself. Yeah, that's huge.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

It is, it is. It's a good sign of what you subconsciously are wanting.

SPEAKER_08 25:51

Well, and also I just feel like you should treat others as you want to be treated. And and I get that. Yeah, but like even last night, I did stand up for myself. I don't think any of you know this. I'll tell you real quick. And I'm I but at least I'm seeing it now. Like I'm seeing I'm I'm aware that I haven't been taking care of myself, and that's why I got CPTSD three and a half years ago here. My whole family came, and all I gave a shit about was everybody else, not me. And that's when the fan snaps, right? So me being aware that I'm doing this is the first step, like AA, right? Like so, you're part of this. Last night, William had some guy come down here, Ravi. We had one minute notice, like one minute. I'm supposed to be at a resort, retreat, whatever. That's fine. It's been a lot of people, dynamics. You never know what's gonna happen and who's shuffling where and what that looks like. So, you know, sometimes it changes. Anyways, we had one minute notice because he called Charles. I guess William had given Robbie's number or whatever, and Robbie's walking down here one maybe 30 seconds. Next thing I know, he's in my space and my plan and our activities and everything. At night, Charles and I have tea together. Yeah, and that's kind of our in the mornings. We have wisdom with Carrie, wise words with Carrie, and at night, so we do a morning and a night. We check in, and throughout the days we've spent time together. I mean, I've probably spent more time with him than anybody else. And so it was our last night together. We were all excited, we made special tea, we were all ready, and we just sit down at the couches, and it was our time.

SPEAKER_02 27:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 27:38

And then boom, there was a shift and it got changed, and I was not happy with it. And then I went into take caretaker mode. I showed him a tour, I got him tea, I sat him down, I did the animal thing, we talked about stories, yeah. Then Robin came down. Next thing you know, it's like Kiri the storyteller. I've got Charles here, Robbie here, and and her well at my feet. Like I'm a little and I'm literally reading the storybook to the kids. And that's what happened. And and while it was wonderful and great, in the back of my mind the whole time is I don't get to spend time with my baby, and I should have spoken up for myself, and I should have said, It's really nice that you're here. I showed him the room, I gave him the tour. I should have said, We are gonna spend a little quiet time, and I should have now I'm realizing I could have done that. So my next thing and my like you learning to speak up, or you know, you whatever, you having a better conversation with your parents and you having margin and all these things that we could do. What I need to do is speak up for what I want, yeah, and not agree to things I don't want. Yeah. Or people, please, to the point where I'm so worried about everybody else. And that's a perfect example. Yeah, yeah, you're really good at it.

SPEAKER_11 29:01

I would have had no idea.

SPEAKER_08 29:02

I know because I put myself on the back burner. See what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_11 29:06

Okay, we can't do it.

SPEAKER_08 29:07

I'm aware now, that's it, but that's a perfect example. Yeah, that's a perfect example of how I have functioned, worked, done everything. Like the whole first week here was oh my gosh, this place needs my help. Let me tell them, let me write this up. Oh, I've got this idea. And it just poured out of me. It wasn't like I went looking. It just, you know, it's just my MO. And so I just, you know, sharing. If somebody, you know, had that expertise and those knowledge and that wisdom, and you know, I was in a different position and place. You don't sleep here, this isn't your first time here. So I thought I've got different goggles on, yeah, you know, glasses, whatever. I'm gonna share that because if I had a place like this, I would want that feedback, I would want that information. Totally. So it was always from a place of I want to be treated, I want to treat others like I want to be treated. I I said to Heather earlier, I said it's all coming from a heart of love and care. If I go to Hobby Lobby and I'm the last person to use the toilet paper, I am literally the woman who will go find the freaking manager and tell them they need to put toilet paper back in the bathroom. A lot of people won't say anything, they'll just leave. Yeah, and I get that that's you know, but there's gotta be some, I've gotta figure out what that looks like when I when it cuts up a that's easy, you know, my finding the manager and you know, whatever. But when somebody comes into a space that you're not ready for and you're not prepared for, and you're trying to treat them nice, and you're trying to get them their tea and their water and their sheets and you know, all that, that's a different situation.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

So, in your in the affirming words, right you for that last one, you are calling in more I don't know, balance of paying attention to your compromise.

SPEAKER_08 31:01

And I don't, I didn't even like it. She'll tell you, her parents walked in, and I I'm not, I don't even work here. Yeah, that is not my but I used to manage apartments back in college. And um she they walked in. I didn't even, you know, it just kind of sometimes comes out of my mouth. And I said, Would you guys like me to give you a tour? And I was like, gee. She goes, You give them a tour, that's my job. I didn't, it didn't even like, but what I was saying is I have to stop and think, I mean, I wanted to help them. That was it. And like, you know what I mean? Like, I loved your parents and we got along, and your grandma was there, and I was like, Well, what the heck? I know this place, I've been here for two weeks. I could, you know what I mean? And so I just have to go, is this serving me? Well, and then it doesn't always have to be serving me. I think there's another, and I think there's another question in there because life when I die, I don't want it to be all about me. I don't want to be belly button gazing, I don't want my last day on earth to be me just in hippie dippy, oh, it's all about me time. I don't want that, but it's trying to find that balance, right? And yes, the next best and also speaking up for myself and feeling okay to say that, you know what I mean? I think it's a happy medium.

SPEAKER_00 32:23

I think what's what's best for the collective for everyone is you showing up your true full self, and if you're if you're giving and figuring out how to balance that is important so that you can for the collective show up as your highest self that you can have, and that's heavy tea with Charles. Have what? Have what's like that was a moment. I know.

SPEAKER_08 32:49

Well, and it's sort of well, it kind of the way I look at it is our date got hijacked. Yeah, but how many times have I been here throughout the last two years weeks? Feels like yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yo, he knew, we knew. We both said the same thing. He's in he's in agreement with what I said. He we both were like making the copy, looking at each other like, oh, what happened here? We both were in that space. But see, here's the thing: I didn't stand up for myself. Yeah, I cared more about everybody else, and there's gotta be a happy medium there where I can't. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Can I can I you say you didn't stand up for yourself and my to whom?

SPEAKER_08 33:37

I didn't say what I was thinking, which is Robbie, it's so nice to have you here. However, Charles and I are on our last night of special tea time, yeah, and we were just about to sit down.

SPEAKER_00 33:49

So it would have been fine.

SPEAKER_08 33:51

We would, yeah, but then where would I put him?

SPEAKER_11 33:53

I was like, oh, I I didn't like him down, I could have taken him up here.

SPEAKER_08 33:58

But I I mean he's a nice guy and all, but I'm just saying, I then my thought was where do I put him? Yeah, do I put him in this room by himself? Like, where do I and I felt like I had to take care of him. It's the caretaker mom and me.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

And so the gift and also the name standing up was to your caretaker side. Like for you to speak up to someone, and uh speaking up is actually to yourself in a way, would you say? Like to say to that caretaker side, it's okay if you don't have right now this moment, right? So it's like taking full ownership of the case.

SPEAKER_08 34:33

Well, and then I and then too, also you put your own needs. Hello, I'm talking to everybody here. Gal can take this because I saw you when you tried, she tried to do the food down here, and she tried to do the food up there, and she was very flustered and stressed, and it was a lot for her to take on when that yeah, she did it, but I'm just saying she had a lot on her plate, and so we all do what I'm about to say, but you you know, it's where you're like, you want to help other people, you want to help yourself, and then you put, and this is what I did in my brain, talking to the caretaker. It's okay, I'll get to talk to Charles later. I'll we'll work it out in the future. Putting my not only my needs on the back burner, but making justifications and excuses for it. I'm very, very, very good at that. And you are too, and you are too. We all are, where we say, you know, say, oh, well, you know, I should do this, but and it's that but, and that's another thing I learned is instead of saying, Well, I I I told this was my words of wisdom with Charles the other day. I said, Charles, instead of saying, I want this, but, or I think I should live here, but or whatever, you need to say and get rid of the buts and put the ands in there.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

And so I have another vocabulary suggestion that helps you know if you're you saying I have to do this. Right.

SPEAKER_08 35:59

I got to, I get to, I know to do this, you know, because now you get to go a different route.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

Right.

SPEAKER_08 36:07

And I've actually used that one a lot, especially with education and school and stuff. We we've said that because it really does rewire your brain instead of like I've got to go on stage. Ooh, I've got this opportunity to go up on stage.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

So you you did have some understandings and clarities. You know, maybe it's not the answer in the writer coming to you, served, like do this, this, and this. God didn't send me a lot of. But these things are like things like, okay, if I can maybe shift some of these things, this might be able to feel myself a little more, you know, help my heart a little bit, give me some more joy or give me some more.

SPEAKER_08 36:43

Well, even coming here, even driving up here, I felt such guilt because we put this on a credit card and that was a really big deal for me. I mean, and I always feel like the money should go to my kids or should go to the house or should go, you know, whatever. So spending this much money on myself was a big job. You know what I'm saying? That was in itself saying I'm worthy of this amount of money, I'm worthy of this time. I worth so I'm trying to work on that for you. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 37:13

That's huge. Yeah, it's a process.

SPEAKER_08 37:14

So I learned a lot of things, and and I appreciate all of you. I appreciate our time as a counselor and guidance. I appreciate your humor and your art and your beauty, and I appreciate your integrity. I really because that's huge. And it really I feel like you and Shannon have everybody here. I can see your heart, and I can see your integrity and honor and truth of goodness and desire to help. And I just I respect that. I really do. And I'm really happy about that. And I just think you're beautiful in and out. I just really do love you, Lady, even though you didn't make my chocolate chip cookies with that. She's gonna hear that forever, but you do have a you do have a presence, and it's a good presence. And I think you're gonna go far in life because if this is who you are at 20, and by the way, I'm just gonna teach her tell her something that she doesn't know. My suggestion for this place is that they need to get you in cooking school, they need to invest in you, they need to get a chef out here that you could learn from, and that that is something that they should invest in you. I did say that. It's in black and white, deepen. So I hope that they'll do something and continue your growth, you know, and that you can.

SPEAKER_02 38:46

Yeah, so so we have another little part to this. Oh gosh, no. It's very small, but everyone comes around here.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Robin's gonna love this.

SPEAKER_08 38:54

One, you're gonna I know you're gonna have this one. I'm gonna hate it. Oh my god. Am I supposed to open this? Not yet. Not yet.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

Not yet. So I wanted to know your full name. I know can you tell your full name out loud? It's Carrie Kennedy. Carrie Kennedy. So we take this moment just to be present with all the words that were just shared here in truth, in heart, in reflection, in respect, and consideration. And we send you here in this next chapter. We are your cheerleaders here. We really, really see you, and we really hope for the best for you as you are judges at the time, even with all the challenges that we come, all the tests, you can rest in knowing that you have your truths, your awarenesses, your understandings, and that you deserve this better time. I carry Ken gives more peace, more beauty, or love, or understanding of your strength, your courage, your capacity to love many others that I think reflected back to you as you need it, still being the caregiver that you are, but also showing up that way.

SPEAKER_13 40:17

So, what we send with with you with all of this love, we have to do something a little silly too. It's got a swish. And so we take a lot of energy and robin all like this.

SPEAKER_12 40:29

We gather all of our energy and we start, we make a little bit of noise and we got again the love, the peace, the bird, the turkey, the happiness, all the time. We gotta give up. Thank you, thank you. And then we have a few little gifts. Don't forget that even though they're tippy dippy wools, that's fun. Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_13 41:05

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_06 41:12

Oh that's very cool.

SPEAKER_08 41:16

That's very cool. Yeah. Did he tell you that? No. Oh, you didn't know that? Oh my god. Y'all were looking for that. We were looking for this because when when I looked at my whatever, this is one of the ones, but we couldn't we couldn't find one. And we literally we literally went to multiple places, and I was gonna get like a necklace or something, but it was 48 bucks, and I was like, I'm not doing that, Charles. We'll go to the next place. So literally, you can ask Charles. We were looking for one of these.

SPEAKER_09 41:54

Whoa, August 15th. Just tell yourself that. It's crazy. That's what I was like. He had to have told me.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

No, he did not tell me.

SPEAKER_09 42:04

That's crazy. I know, I can't I can't kick it. Out of how many stones that's like that's crazy.

SPEAKER_08 42:18

I didn't buy that's the only one I didn't buy out of my like whatever. So that's pretty crazy. Oh, there's so many TVs here. Check your two little things.

SPEAKER_12 42:30

Thank you guys.

SPEAKER_11 42:35

I've got all your phone numbers.

SPEAKER_09 42:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_08 42:42

She's in a good size.

SPEAKER_10 42:55

I like that. I know. All right.

SPEAKER_08 43:04

Well, thank you guys so much. Yeah, I I I'm happy that it was starting to rain when I was like, I don't want to drive in the rain, because I drove in the rain here. So yeah, it went away. So I'm cleared. I'm cleared. And I think I've got literally everything in my car in here. I did, I did, and everybody's like, well, William said Carrie's moving to Austin three times, and I was like, um, but I I want you to say goodbye to William and Shaven and and Rob me and and Jim for me.

SPEAKER_05 43:39

Charles want you to have a big sleep.

SPEAKER_08 43:41

I think I got everything.

SPEAKER_05 43:46

He rookie came in. Yeah, rookie shaven.

SPEAKER_08 43:49

He didn't handle the all the been emotional. Well, he probably would have gotten emotional, but I did hug him before I left, and he's planning on coming to visit me. We're not I mean, we text small. I mean, if you saw our text chat, y'all, it's like we're talking all the time. In fact, he already was like, I'll be in my car at four. Where are you gonna be at four so I can call you when I'm done?

SPEAKER_10 44:14

So it's not like he's the most precious precious angel.

SPEAKER_08 44:19

He is so um, yes, I I definitely like I said, I'm learning lessons. I'm gonna take it home. I'm gonna try to. Yeah, so y'all pray for me because I still have yet to figure out what's going on. I know that. For sure. I told them it's kind of like a rocket ship going off and wanting to come into a soft, safe landing. And I really don't have that quite yet. So you're gonna use your breath.

SPEAKER_12 44:41

Your breath is gonna be your best.

SPEAKER_11 44:43

Please let us know in the journal how you're landing.

SPEAKER_00 44:46

That's what's there for you. Just like that that stone found you today, whatever that moment is when you get the 40s to growth.

SPEAKER_08 44:56

Well, and I mean, there's no denying. I mean, one in 48 million chance that that I mean, like I just you know, yeah. The the the synchronicity shit. I know, I know. So yeah, so there's no I I'm a firm believer in a lot of stuff now. And she said I she even said, well, I I actually had these pants. I came with these pants. But the shirt's new, the shirt's new, and Charles got me this blue lapis. So I get going.

SPEAKER_02 45:32

You can always also leave and go to like an Airbnb near your house and what you're doing.

SPEAKER_08 45:36

Yeah, yeah. I already have thought about that. Like, what is you know? I need to talk to my husband and figure out, you know, lots of moving parts, but we definitely have to have a conversation. So we'll see what that looks like. But anyways. All right, we will talk to you guys later. Thank you for the hugs and the time saying goodbye to everybody for me. Okay, all right, bye guys. Love you, thank you. Bye. Okay, yeah. Well, he's gonna send me pictures, and Christina Joy is supposed to send me pictures of her place too, so make sure she does that. All right, bye, guys.