Katabasis- Episode 21

This one gets into codependency, the story I’ve been telling myself about why I chose my husband, and the hard math of what happens if he can’t meet me where I am. I talk about faith, control, forgiveness, and what it actually means to stop carrying everyone else’s weight. No neat conclusions here — just me sitting in it and telling you the truth.

#KarriKennedy #Katabasis #CPTSD #Codependency #ChristianWoman #FaithJourney #MarriageStruggles #Healing #SelfDiscovery #Boundaries #TrustGod #MentalHealthJourney #WomenOfFaith #Recovery #InnerWork

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Okay, so I'm back at my house. It's 8 15 in the morning, Saturday morning. Um, I don't know what to say. The drive home was b good. I had Mexican food along the way, and I stopped by a Weckles, I think is the name, in LaGrange, Texas. It's a really great Kalachi place, so I got some Kalachis to bring home to the boys. And uh when I got home, nobody was here. They had gone to play Putt Putt with some friends, um, and Mark had met them. It was a coworker of Mark's and her niece, and so they were at Putt Putt. And so I came in, brought in all my stuff. The dogs were like ecstatic to see me, and it was good to spend all that loving time with the dogs. We cuddled on the couch, we cuddled in the bed, lots and lots of cuddles. They were very happy. Um, brought everything in, started putting things away, realizing there was a few puppy accidents here and there that I needed to clean up. Uh, realized that the counters hadn't been cleaned, the dishes were piled high in the dishwasher, you know, things like that that as a mom, you know, you never want to really see. Um, but when it's somebody's chore and you've been gone for, you know, 16, 17 days, uh, you really want to come home to a clean house. And I'm looking at that this morning as I'm making my coffee, and I'm like, nope, I'm not gonna clean that table. Nope, I'm not gonna do those dishes. Nope, I'm not gonna wipe that down. I did do some stuff yesterday, but um I'm sitting outside by the pool having my coffee, and I'm thinking about what it is I want in life, not what I have to do or what I should do or what everybody wants me to do or what's expected of me to do, blah, blah, blah. So um, there's a book. It's called Joy and Strength by Mary Wilder Tilston, T-I-L-E-S-T-O-N. It's been one of my favorite go-to Bible books that have like a daily devotional. So I've been reading that for a little bit uh after getting up and making my coffee and hanging out with the dogs. I got rid of Facebook while I was gone, and that's been good. And then this morning I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna watch TV. No, I'm not gonna get on apps, no, I'm not gonna look at all this. So I've been up for over an hour and still haven't really done that. Um, I did go in and give some ratings on some stuff I bought. I will say I did that because I've been gone and hadn't done it in, you know, this whole time. Um yesterday, after I did get home, I got a call from Mark saying that uh they that they were headed home, the boys were taking the HOV, and that he would be half an hour behind them. So I guess I was like, okay, great, everybody's showing up. Then I get a call from the boys saying they're gonna go out to a movie. So they went to go see a movie. This is all around 6 30, 6, 6 30 or something. So they went to go see a movie. I don't know which one. And then Mark got here, and when he got here, I said, Do you want a hug? Which, you know, we're talking about divorce. So didn't know how that would go over. And he said, Yeah. It was a very short-lived hug. When you compare it with the hugs I left, which were these whole whole body, you know, really big, strong, good, long hugs. It was, you know, like, hey. So I, you know, he's the one who pulled away first. I was like, okay. Um, so yeah. And then he was like, so how'd it go? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, it's a lot to talk about, and I don't want the pressure of having to talk just till the boys get home from whatever. I wanted a huge chunk of time to really sit down and have a discussion. Quite honestly, he's an engineer, he's a man, he's not a very, you know, long back when we were dating, he was. He would talk to me for hours and hours. Now I feel like he doesn't have the attention span or chooses to have the attention span, I should say. Um, so I don't know how my idea and plan of us sitting down and having, you know, two to four hour conversation is gonna land. It might not work. I mean, a lot of the time I'll try to say a sentence and he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, gotcha. Um, and really dismissive and and just doesn't even want to hear it. So I'm not sure even what that looks like. But last night I said, Well, why don't you guys just tell me, why don't you just tell me uh how your time went? And he goes, It was the same thing as when you're here day in, day out. You know, I went to work. Hudson's working way more. Our our youngest is working like 38 hours a week or 36 hours a week or something. And then the other one's trying to figure out school and maybe getting his GD and signing up for drafting classes and things like that, like a few bank issues, stuff like that, nothing major. And then they was shocking to me. They had a party last Saturday here with about it, sounds like nine or ten co-workers of Mark's. I probably would not have been okay with that just because I'm embarrassed of the way the house looks and the messes, and I would have wanted to clean up. Uh, when I walked in, I realized the first thing I saw was the nasty marble floors, and I thought, yep, not a fan. I and I thought, I want new floors, or uh, you know, let's sell the house and get out of here. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. And y'all might think that's just a crazy little thing, but when something has been gnawing on you and irritating you for so long, um, yeah, there's it it's just uh it's a fact in my life that I don't like. Um, when I was at the retreat, there was uh another guy who was dealing with CPTSD, and he uh he said he has been living in Texas heat during the summers for 10 years, and for 10 years he has hated it. And you know, he's married and she lives here, she works here. Oh, the dogs see another dog. This lady's not supposed to be up there. It's just, you know, where we live, people can walk and we they can literally look down into my backyard, which really is another frustrating thing. Um, but you know, I don't know. I'm not gonna yell up at her because I'm talking to you, but most of the time I would say you're not supposed to be walking up there. My husband would get really heated and really angry and scream at them a lot of the time because you know it's out of his per control. Um, so, anyways, um so I said, Mark, I'm tired. I'm gonna go take a nap after he told me a little bit of what they had done and the fact that they had had a party and and just the same old, same old. Um, but uh yeah, when I when I walked in, I automatically saw things that I was like, okay, this hasn't been put up, this needs to be taken care of. And I did a lot of that stuff, and I realized, like, I asked Mark over the phone, did you water the plants? And he said yes, but none of the house plants. I mean, like, I think there's like five that are dead inside. I don't know if it's just he thought he watered the plants, or maybe he thought I meant the outside plants. I don't know. Um, but either way, the plants weren't done. I also had it scheduled where a lady was gonna come and clean, and I guess they told her not to. And I'm just like, wow, it needs to be swept, it needs to be mopped, it needs to be dusted. And so I'm seeing all those things and realizing without me here, without me doing them, without a housekeeper here, it just it's not gonna get done. And so, um, what do I do with that information? How do I sit with that information, right? Like, do I say it was out of my control? They did the best they can, it's okay, it's no big deal. Do I try to convince them and say, hey guys, you did this so that the next time they don't? Do I just give up and say, oh well, you know, like I really don't know what my part in this is right now. Um, because my husband was here. He's a grown adult, he's a dad. I mean, even going to bed last night, you know, he didn't make sure that the checks and balances were there for our kid to do the dishes, which was his chore. And it's always me who's doing that. And I don't want to be in that role anymore. Well, let me change that again because I'm trying to not say I don't want. I'm trying to say I want. I want the dishes done. I want accountability. I want somebody to back me up. I want checks and balances. I I want a clean sync. You know, I know what I want, I know what I don't want. I need to figure out how to get what I want because I don't want to keep living with marble floors. I want new floors. You know, I want clean dishes. I want kids who do chores. I want accountability. You know, like I need to be stating those things and either accepting that they're not getting done or giving some kind of consequence if they don't, or just moving on. You know, they can, you know, Mark said, we're three bachelors living by ourselves for three weeks. We we made it, you know. That's what he's his comment was when I asked how it went. I I don't know if I want to deal with that, you know, just to be quite honest. I I I don't know. We'll see how the conversation goes today. I even told him, I want you to think about what it looks like for us to talk tomorrow. Is you know, and he knows, is that going out to a restaurant? Is that going to a hotel? Is that going to a park? Is that us just sitting in the backyard while the boys go somewhere else? I I don't know. But I am tired of doing all this shit by myself and and trying to convince people and trying to get people on board and trying to have a you know a partner who's you know equal in line with the you know the goals, the plans, the aspirations, the the desires, all that. If he's gonna get on board, if he's gonna work with me, if if he's gonna try, and you know, in our conversation, he's like, Yeah, I think our marriage means a lot too, and I think I can work harder, and I I think we can go to counseling, and I think we can I can talk to our kids, you know, on your behalf and not maybe go, oh well, they're they're adults, they get to do it ever they want, but maybe raise the bar there, you know. I I don't know. Um, but at the end of the day, I'm either staying and choosing to accept what it is, whatever he is willing to give, or I'm not. And that's it. And I really think I need to maybe write down a piece of paper, you know, the 10 things I'm grateful for, say the things I want, not what I don't want. Try to see the, you know, the flowers and the weeds. By the way, when I did get home, the grass isn't cut either. It's very long. And even now, I'm like, okay, it's almost 8:30, nobody's up. It's they should be up and mowing the lawn before it gets hot, but I'm not waking them up. I'm I'm choosing, you know, what level of control and power I want. And I'm realizing I've just given so much of my energy and my time to making sure everything runs well around here. And, you know, if they're out in the heat dealing with it, that's their own bird, you know, like why do I have to be in charge of that? I don't, I don't, you know, they can make their own mistakes and learn from them and whatever, you know. Um, I can see the sun rising and it getting hotter, and the longer they wait, the more bad, you know, the more hot it's gonna be and the worst situation because the grass is high. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a bear to to mow all this grass. But the flowers are blooming, the yard does look good, um, as far as like the greenery and the plants and everything in the backyard. And I'm just sitting here though, and I'm realizing the whole codependency thing because I'm basing my life right now on him. Is he gonna get up in a good mood? Is he gonna want to talk? Is he capable of having a two to four hour conversation? Is he capable of engaging? Is he capable of not getting defensive? I don't know the answers to those questions. And so it's like I'm waiting for those to respond, but no, you know, and and to see where he's at, you know, as as they say at the retreat, uh trying to drop in with him, and that means you're gonna spend some intentional quality time with him. I don't, I just I don't know if he has the capabilities. And I I want him to, I want him to have the capabilities, I want him to have the care and the intentions and the love and the compassion and and you know the sensitivity. I I want him to have all that. Absolutely. And if he can, if he can, if he if he can bring it, then I'm I'm there for that. I'm I'm willing to forge ahead and work with him and figure out what the next steps are. But if he can't even do the basics, then I think that's my answer. You know, like I gotta stop the cognitive dissonance between what I want, what I hope for, what I dream, what I expect, and then what I'm getting. There's a huge chasm between those two. And I have just got to move on and forge my own life, whether, you know, it's with my husband or my kids, or with we're all getting together as a family, like I saw when I did ketamine in that last thing, which was us all together as a family unit and striving for the same purpose and and aligned and our DNA and our blood and our just our personalities and acceptance and love of who we are. That was a great, you know, image. I I love that. If I could have that, I I would. But there's not an on-off switch, and I can't convince people to listen to me. And I can't convince people to do what I think is the right thing. You know, for them, they think that what they're doing is right. I don't. I don't, I'm you know, and and we might not ever, you know, see that the same. Um, but back to that guy who was up there, who I also really, you know, we we understood a lot of each other's things because we both have had PTSD. Um, but he's like, you know, I don't think I want to live in Texas anymore. I've been telling my wife that for years and years and years. And um I just don't want to do it anymore. And he's got uh his whole plan, just like my husband has had his plan when we've talked about the divorce of us selling the house and who's gonna move where and what's gonna happen and blah, blah, blah. These men with their plans. Um, anyways, his plan is he wants to take this is this other guy. Um, he wants his wife to quit her job, which she loves. Uh, she works at the University of Texas, uh, quit her job. They live five minutes away from there, sell their or remove, move from their rental they're renting right now, and then move to either a different state or the south of France, and also bring her 80-year-old parents with them. But they're not gonna move. They don't want to move. That's not part of their dream, that's not part of what they want. So you've got this one man wanting to bring his wife and her parents somewhere else because he doesn't like the heat of Texas. Literally, that's that's what it comes down to. And he's trying to make the decision: does he stay with her? Does he not stay with her? Does he, you know, what does that look like? And he's really in a crossroads like I am. Like, am I am I staying married to Mark? Are we divorcing? What does this look like? And I said at the kitchen table yesterday, and I didn't, you know, bring this into the talk yesterday, just too many things. Um but I said, Well, you've got it way easier than I do. Just first of all, they don't have kids together. Second of all, they've only been married 10 years. Um, third of all, she has money and she has a you know a lot of I mean, she's fine. She's if if he left, he she he they split the money half and half and half. So she would still still live there, she would still have her job, she'd buy another house, everything would be fine. So he doesn't have as much responsibility, skin in the game, if you will. And then on top of that, and this is what I said to him, having a sip of coffee, I said, um you also don't have the Christianity thing. He's an atheist. So for me, that's a huge thing. That's huge. Like my whole DNA. I've been a Christian since I think I was five. And so even though uh obviously there is no perfect Christian, I still do align with that. I still do see, you know, the guidance and the wisdom of the Bible. I think of it as God's love letter to us. And the majority of people up there might have said they're Christians, but I I don't think they're Christians where I am. Or they said they believe in God, but it's not like it's a God, it's it's not the God with Jesus Christ. It's I don't know, there's a lot of spirituality and ideas and thoughts there, but I don't think they're reading the Bible on a regular basis. Um, you know, I had my Bible with me and I was reading it, and they were like, What are you reading? I'm like, the Bible. And I think that's not a normal thing for people to read up there. Um but, anyways, uh, when I did say to him, Your life is easier, your choice is easier because I have to think about that. There's this, you know, guidebook for my life that I am trying to align to. And that became actually a big thing on that last day because he ended up getting up from the conversation saying that I was close-minded and that, which I think is always funny um when atheists say that Christians are close-minded because literally you haven't looked at it, so you you're closed-minded in my mind. Um but the thing is I can't just not think about how God sees this, what God wants for me, what what the Holy Spirit's telling me to do. And that has to be an aspect of this. And as much as I would uh love for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our household and be able to say, honey, let's pray about this, and this is what God wants, and whatever, he's not. And I don't know if he ever could be or will be, or what that looks like. Um, in my visualization, he was the leader. He was, he, and that shocked the heck out of me. But I, you know, that's another aspect of this too, is that I would prefer him to be the guide, the spiritual leader, the the person, you know, like I come under his wing and he he leads us and my family, and and that's how it works. And that that's just not the way it is. And so, um, but there is a difference there. I think that's a huge aspect. If you're atheist or if you're a Christian or whatever you are, um, mine obviously is coming from a Christian worldview, that worldview impacts how you lead your life. Um, even to the point where we went to um Barton Springs, a few of us, that one day, and um there was all these women with their tops off. And to me, I think that that does, you know, I get that that we're all, you know, bodies and whatever, but I I really do think that your body is, you know, a temple of the Lord's gods, right? Like it's your temple and you got to treat it well and take care of it. But also that those your body, your private parts should be left for your husband. And then when I had that conversation with the same guy, he was like, Well, if that's a religion thing, then what about the Muslims who were completely covered in burkas? Do you want everybody at the beach to be wearing burkas? And I'm like, no, because I'm a Christian and I don't believe that. I say, you know, there's a fine line, and why, you know, think about the history and why. You know, the Bible is saying to do that because you believe in the goodness and the purity and to keep it. And and that's not what the burkas are. The burkas are there saying you're their husband's property, and that's why it's more of a the husband's being jealous and being controlling, it's not about God and and the sanctity and the purity and the holiness of and the sacredness of marriage and and what that looks like. So just the difference of you know conversations that we would have and the different worldviews. And I think realizing that there was such a vast difference between my my Christian beliefs and so many other people that I talked to, I think that's a huge thing too, that Mark and I have to be on alignment. You know, we ha have to be in alignment and figure out okay, I I believe that yes, God put us together for a reason. Um a lot of the time I struggle with that. I I blamed myself. I felt regret and bitterness and resentment and uh a lot of guilt and even shame for possible possibly making the wrong choice, marrying the wrong guy. I mean, really, that has been a feeling and a belief that I've had off and on throughout our marriage when he doesn't live up to. To what standard I think he, you know, should, or when we can't communicate, or he I feel like he's not listening, or whatever, I've had regret and bitterness. But if I reframe that and think, okay, well, maybe God did put me at that place at that time, and maybe we were supposed to get together. And even though it seems like I chose and I picked, um, maybe God knew that I would choose and pick him, you know. Maybe I didn't choose and pick him for the right reasons. Well, that's not even a maybe, that's a for sure. I was choosing him for the the sex and the sparks and the fun. That's that's why I chose him. It was it was nothing about he was a great orator, you know, he had great business skills. It was, it wasn't, it wasn't how he handled his finances, you know. It wasn't anything, you know, like how he interacted with people. It was totally lust and sparks and all of that. So maybe I didn't initially marry him for the right reasons. I, you know, nobody came to me and said, Is he a Christian? Is he a man of God? Is he gonna lead you spiritually? Not one person did that, not even my mom. And uh he wasn't a Christian when I married him. Now they'll say he was Catholic, but that just means he went to church Christmas and Easter. I was the one who was telling him about what the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit was because he didn't even understand the Holy Trinity. So I remember watching videos and explaining this. And finally, uh, when our daughter was two, our second daughter, I guess, was two years old, I think it was. Is that right? Or I'm not sure. I'd have to look up the year. But um, we had two daughters, and and he went up at Second Baptist in at in uh in Houston, and uh yeah, he went through and stood up and said he believed in Christ and he wanted to get baptized. And I thought that was gonna be the life shift and everything was gonna be different. And uh maybe some areas, you know, now he goes to church instead of me trying to pull him and you know, things like that. Uh, but I don't, I don't know. We have to be on the same page and uh we have to work going forward, and so I think that's a a whole nother aspect, you know, like what are our values, what are our morals, what is our purpose? You know, that that guy, I mean, he's thinking he's gonna leave his wife because he doesn't like the heat of Texas for three months. I'm I'm you know back and forth on that. I mean, if he really wants to eat baguettes at the south of France, which is quote what he said, he he wants to eat baguettes in the south of France. Um, and that's his his purpose, his plan, that's his directive. He's not under any God headship, you know, he's not under any authority. What does it matter if he gets divorced? You know, there's no spiritual consequence, you know. Maybe he feels a little bit bad or he feels sorry or whatever, but it's not the end of the world. You know what I mean? Me, if we get divorced, if if this happens, it affects not only us, but it affects our kids. It affects the next generation, it affects, you know, our grandkids. If if there's ever a possibility that our family gets together and we could ever act like a normal family again, which I don't know if that'll ever happen. Um, I love the idea. I I love that visualization of us all sitting down at Christmas or or Thanksgiving dinner together and laughing and talking and joking like we used to. It's not like we're some, you know, totally dysfunctional, screwed up family. We we weren't. We were a good family. And uh we did good things for our kids and we were good parents. Now, were we perfect? No. Did he do a lot of things wrong? Yes. Did I do things wrong? Yes. Absolutely. Did the kids do things that were wrong? Yes. Um, but do I hope that there could be grace and mercy and compassion and understanding and like-mindedness and purpose and understanding and wanting to get on board with and receive God's blessings? You know, that's that's really, I mean, I feel like that's kind of where it is. Everybody's kind of gone, well, God, you screwed up, you gave me the wrong mom, or me saying, ah, God, you screwed up, you know, let me choose the wrong man, or you know, whatever. God, you screwed up, you gave me breast cancer. God, you screwed up, you gave me the CPTSD. Maybe God didn't screw up at all. Probably not. And maybe these are just challenges that we have to overcome and circumstances we need to overcome, you know, and we need to reframe this in our minds and say, okay, you know, yes, everything isn't perfect. Yes, I wish he did this different, or my kids wish I did this different, or whatever. But we can show love, we can show compassion, we can show grace, we can have hard conversations, you know? And that's where I'm at today going forward. Here it is, almost 8:45. I don't see anybody up still. I think he went to bed at 8. So it's been almost 13 hours that he went upstairs. And I, you know, I'm as the clock ticks, I'm I start getting a little bit more anxious, going, okay. And then I'm starting to go, you know what? That's not my responsibility. It's not my responsibility. Maybe the 16-year-old, he's still my responsibility as far as parenting. And I could wake him up and say, Hudson, you need to get up and start mowing the lawn. I'm gonna choose not to, and I'm gonna think about what's in my control, what's my responsibility, and how much energy do I want to give today and realize that it's not all on me. You know, that's a huge thing. It's everything isn't on me. I don't have to be responsible for everybody and everything. If the kitchen table doesn't get wiped down today, yes, it would be really nice if it does. It'd be really nice if I could point to my kid, tell him to do it, and he did it. If he doesn't do it and it's multiple times over and over again, I don't want to be at the age where I'm 55. I do not want to be telling my 16-year-old, oh, I'm gonna take your phone for you, or you're gonna be grounded. There's gotta be consequences. And Mark's either gotta help me out with that and say, hey, Hudson, if you don't do that table, then you know, blah, blah, blah, and help me out with that. Or I've got to get out of here. I I just I don't think this is the best place for me if I can't have anybody who's working with me or an alignment. And while I can have grace and compassion and hope and whatever, it takes two to tango and it takes, you know, two to work on a marriage. And I cannot respond bearing the weight and holding the responsibility of making everything better, even to the point of let's decide where we're going today. I mean, if he can't even come up with helping me out, figuring out where we're going, how long, how much time we have, what the plan is, anything, you know, it's just I have decided and figured out so much stuff in this marriage and held that for so long, the amount of energy and effort in everything. I mean, I could go on and on forever here. I've got to, I've got to give that up. It's just, it's too much for me. And so I'm I'm in my joy and strength book here by Mary Wilder Tilston. Yeah, I'm trying to pray, ask God for help, ask God for discernment, try to figure out where things are, enjoying the backyard, the butterflies, the birds, but also going, you know what? This is within my purview, this is within my responsibilities, this is not, and saying what I want. So, like after I'm done with my coffee and reading, I'm not gonna base my life on whether they're getting up and whether they're doing what they should or whatever. I'm not gonna be responsible for that. And that makes me happy that I'm thinking that way because I did not do that before I left. I would have just been like, okay, I gotta get the laundry done, I gotta get the tables cleaned, I gotta get this kid up, I gotta do this, I gotta get even last night. I said, you guys gotta get the trash out. And it's nice for a common, you know, a simple reminder. But then even after I did it, I was like, that's not my responsibility. They know we've lived here for seven years. How many times has the trash not gone out because I wasn't here? I didn't remind them, they didn't take responsibility. I've got to stop micromanaging, controlling, being in charge of everything. There's gotta be a point where I have my own autonomy and I care about myself, and I give myself enough love and respect not to put myself in such situations where I'm sitting here hoping and dreaming and wishing and wanting for somebody to meet me if they're not going to. Um so I don't know what that looks like. I really have no clue. I I've got to figure that out today. But at least I'm consciously stopping and thinking and taking stock, you know, even to the point where I have all my notes from uh going to Austin and I'm looking at those notes thinking I should organize those, I should make a journal, I should take all of them because I didn't write in a journal the whole time. Um, but I have a lot of notes on my phone and I can break that up. I could say, these are my current wants, this is what I want to visualize, this is this is what I want the future to look like, you know. Um, and then talk to him. What is it that you see for see happening here? What do you want? You know? And at the end of the day, I have to just be okay and accept whatever that looks like. If he's going to come on board with me or not, you know, and that guy, he's gonna have to decide whether he's leaving his wife to go to France because he doesn't like Texas heat. Or if he's gonna suck it up for three months a year, maybe three to four, it depends on the year, three to four years, months a year because he loves her and he doesn't want to leave her. You know, we we have to all make these, you know, choices and decisions, you know. So I feel like I'm willing to forgive some serious, serious, gross, disgusting sins against me. Uh and that's huge that I am willing to put myself in that position and forgive to the level I'm willing to forgive. I don't think a lot of women would forgive the things I'm willing to forgive. And I think uh that's that's huge that I'm here and yeah. So, anyways, just being more thoughtful, saying what I want, getting that list together. I think after I have my coffee and read a little bit more, I'm gonna go in and take a shower and get ready and uh see if he comes down and what his mood is, and if he's thought about anything, if he wants to work with me. And if he doesn't, I think maybe then I have to go, okay, I've got to accept that he's not going to even think about you know us going out, or he doesn't want to spend the time, or he doesn't give a shit, or whatever, you know, whatever that looks like. I have to take it in and accept it, or assess it and then accept it, or you know, figure it out, or maybe not accept it and say, you know what, this is unacceptable to me. I guess there's that option too, you know? And I need to stop and take stock and breathe in, breathe out, maybe shut my eyes. If if he gets defensive, if there's arguing or whatever, I have to be able to say, nope, I'm gonna pull myself out of this. I'm gonna go for a walk, whatever that looks like. I need to take care of me. And that is something I am really coming into today with is yeah, I can't take care of everybody else all the time. I can't. I I it's not a matter of whether I should or if it's nice or if it's kind or if it's the best intentions. Literally, I have to take care of myself. Um, for my nervous system, somatic training, you know, just for my future. I don't, I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be forlorn and bitter and angry and resentful and all the things that certain people in my life are being. I don't want to be a little bit like that. Like hells to the no. I want to live a good life. I want to have fun and I want to enjoy things. And I I yeah, no, I want to be in a positive mindset and atmosphere, and I want shit to get done and not just, you know, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah from day to day, you know. I I want words to matter and conversations that are heartfelt, and I want sincerity and accountability and authenticity. Yeah, I know what I want. I need to work on that. So, anyways, that's where I am coming back. Um, we'll see how today goes. I don't know how if I'm gonna keep this going or not. I have all these recordings. I think this is like episode like 20, 21, and I have to get on my computer and get all this figured out and decide am I gonna release it one at a time or release it all at once? I I don't know. I'm figuring it out. So, anyways, that's it. I hope you guys are having a great day and we'll talk to you later. Bye bye.