Katabasis- Episode 22

Two hours in the backyard, a hawk that wouldn’t budge, and a lot of quiet realizations. I’m noticing real shifts since coming home — less anxious, less quick to chase people down for reassurance, more okay with just sitting still. I talk about where things stand with Mark, why I’m stepping back from my church, and what it feels like to finally stop giving my energy away for free.

#KarriKennedy #Katabasis #CPTSD #Boundaries #Codependency #ChristianWoman #FaithJourney #Healing #SelfDiscovery #NervousSystemRegulation #TrustGod #Grounding #InnerWork #Marriage #Peace

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

So it's 8 45 on a Sunday morning. It's uh Sunday, the 14th of June, and um I'm sitting out in my backyard. I got up at about two hours ago, and I've been having coffee, playing with the dogs, and reading. Um, somebody told me about Ayurveda. I'm probably saying that wrong. It's A Y-U-R-V-E-D-A. Actually, it was Charles. Um, and he we went to Barnes and Noble and he pulled out this book and said he loved it. And I cannot think of the guy who works with Dr. Josh Axe, but I will figure that out eventually. Um, anyways, he is into this and he is mentioned multiple times when he talks, like that he was a wood element. And I remember thinking, oh, one of my kids is like the wood element. And so um, at first I thought it was a little too woo-woo, um, and I wasn't gonna read it. And I gave it back to Charles, and then I heard the podcast with Dr. Josh Axe and this guy whose name is eluding me right now, and I thought, oh my gosh, I need to get the book back from Charles. So the same day I ended up leaving, I asked him for this and I got it back, and I've been reading it, trying to learn a little bit about it. I have thus uh established that um I am a Vata Pita, V-A-T-A-P-I-T-T-A. That is my body type, and that's basically all I've figured out thus far. Um, but I've given a lot of time to that and uh a couple other books here. But as I was sitting here, I started um yesterday I did the trailer. I finally finished uh the trailer for this and the artwork, and I uploaded the um trailer and artwork and actually got this podcast up and going, which it's kind of funny because usually you upload as you go, but because I wasn't at home with my computer, I hadn't done that. Anyways, so I was like looking back at transcript number one to come up with a you know quick um like tagline, I guess, description for it. And I was listening to it go, the transcript as I was doing that, and I was just listening to myself and listening to where I am now, and I'm not saying that it's gonna be consistent or anything, but I'm like, I feel much more at peace, much calmer, not so angry, not so frustrated and irritated and you know, all the angst. I can definitely say coming back home, they told me that that's when you would start to see the difference and feel the difference. Um, so that I think is a really good step in the right direction. I will say that, you know, certain humans in my house still trigger me. And uh yesterday my husband and I went to to go talk and and figure things out, and we just could not get on the right page. I think, you know, we just we could it. So we ended up coming back and saying, okay, we'll push this back. And then later on, um, we went to go eat at uh Beck's Prime and had a really good burger there. And um we talked there. Mostly it was me talking and him asking a few questions here and there. But even then, instead of me feeling this anxious, I've got to get it all out, I've got to explain myself, I have to tell my side of the story and and my truth, and everybody needs to understand me. I really don't care about that as much. I or at least I don't feel like I do. And I I feel like it's okay to give myself time, time to process, time to talk, time to think. And um, so after I had said enough and he kept yawning at the table, I guess he was tired. He says he's not sleeping good upstairs in that bed. Um, while I was gone, he was downstairs in our bed. Um, I did offer last night for him to sleep in the bed with me, and he chose to not do that, which is totally fine. Um, but yeah, so um I think my mind is more open and more willing to have conversations, but also the feeling that I don't have to get it all out right then and there. And so when I saw that he was yawning and and I felt like he wasn't really paying that much attention or he wasn't, you know, totally enthralled and you know, sucked into what I was saying. And I was like, you know what, I'm I'm not gonna keep giving him my energy and my time and my effort right now. Um, I think the old me would have kind of pushed that a little bit, like, well, listen to me, you know, like, you know, listen to me. And now I'm like, you know what? That's fine. Uh, let's just go and we'll try to pick this up and I can tell you more stuff tomorrow. So we've gone out twice. He's got a little bit of basic information. He asks stuff that I feel like he should have known, like what is ketamine and what does it do to you, and stuff like that. And I'm like, dude, I've been gone for, you know, like 16 days, seven, 17 days since I had seen him. He had opportunities to look things up. He had opportunities to go down that trail. Um, he did say he looked up the location, um, and you know, it was interesting or weird or something. Um, but yeah, I feel like it's not my responsibility to get him to understand and approve or consider or care about everything. I I'm realizing that, you know, I'm doing the best I can with my circumstance, my situation, and my energy, right? Like, and I just am realizing that I don't want to just keep giving it away and not getting anything back. And I did tell him that, you know, um, throughout our conversation. I'm not going to just give, give, give, give and not receive anything. I think I've reached my boiling point with that. You know, I feel like I've been a frog just sitting um and boiling to death in that and and you know, not really receiving what I'm giving out and being okay with that, you know, putting myself, my needs, my wants on the back burner for everybody else's wants and needs and not thinking about myself. Um, and I'm not saying I'm gonna be, you know, completely selfish and self-absorbed and whatever now. That's that's never gonna happen because that's not not my who I am and what who I want to be, but I'm going to try to be intentional. And and if my cup is empty, I'm going to try to fill it up, be it with prayer or Bible or conversations, or, you know, maybe I need just time away or um to regain my energy and my focus. And, you know, just sitting out here for two hours today hasn't been an issue for me before. I mean, today, it hasn't been an issue. I think previously I might have gotten anxious. I might have picked up my phone, I might have scrolled, I got rid of Facebook, so that's been great. It's not even, there's not even a part of me that wants it back. I'm like, I just feel like I wasted so much time on that. I actually do still enjoy Instagram and some of the things that are coming through because of my search engines. Um, so I I'm not gonna get rid of that, at least now, but I am definitely not on my phone as much. Um, before I used to go to different apps and just kind of scroll or watch or look at this or that, and I'm not doing that as much either. So I just feel like overall coming back home, I feel more calm, more relaxed, more grounded, more centered, less anxious, less frustrated. It's a good place. It's it's definitely a more peaceful place. I will say this other thing that I'm realizing when you're there at the retreat, everybody talks about this all the time, that time is different there. Like, you know, a whole day would go by and we're like, what the hell happened to the day? And you would just feel like things went fast or slow. It would just kind of time was weird there. And and we would definitely look down at our clocks and go, how did it get to be this time? Or wait, what happened in the morning? And it was just like a void of time suck. And um so what I've tried to do is I tried to watch two different movies since I've been home. We there wasn't a lot of they don't, I don't think they have cable there. I think they just have Amazon Prime. I I don't know for sure the details of that, but um, I that's all I watched. And I I watched that one series, Widow's Bay or whatever. So, like eight episodes, 40 minutes. Um, I think that's what I watched while I was there. There wasn't anything else except a couple movies we watched, Jimmy Neutron, and then we tried to watch something else. I can't remember what it is, but we didn't finish it. And so it was I wasn't watching as much TV either. Um, there. I was definitely reading more, talking more, wandering, whatever, thinking. And um, so last night and and the night before, I sat and tried to watch a movie. And it I thought time-wise, in the movie I was watching last night, that it had been like an hour, hour and a half, and that the movie was almost over. Instead, when I clicked it to pause it to go to the bathroom, I was at 40 minutes and I was like, oh my gosh, this seems like it's taking forever. So I feel like time in itself has changed a little bit for me, or that I'm just getting more bored with different things. I I don't I don't know how to wrap my head around that. I was gonna uh, you know, go to the internet and look that up and kind of see if that's something that happens with people who do ketamine and if they mention it. Um, but that is definitely another thing that I'm noticing. Um, anyways, so I've decided to release these episodes maybe, you know, every day or every other day, see who gets it. I'm not advertising it at all. So um we'll see. So far, somebody listened to the trailer and that's it. Um, I probably should do some keywords now that I'm thinking about it, because I put the little description, but if you put keywords, sometimes people can find things based on a uh, you know, Google search and and you know the algorithm and all that. So um, yeah, that's about it. Um, I'm not going to my church today. Um, I've been reading the Bible and I'm reading this little book, Joy and Strength, and I've got a few other books. I'm also re-reading um this book by this brain surgeon. Um, I can't think of his name, it's not right by me right now, but I'm almost done with that. Um, it's hope something. Um, anyways, I'll I'll let you know in the future. But um, I feel like I can just sit here in nature and say some prayers and read the Bible. And I don't have, I'm not legalistic. I don't have to go to church to be with God. Um, I do see the benefit of community and and praise and worship music and all that. I definitely can do praise and worship by myself too. Um, I'm still deciding whether I want to keep going to the same church I've been going to. Um, since I've said that we're getting a divorce, not one person from there, except somebody who doesn't go to church there anymore, has reached out to me and said, Hey, is there anything I can do? Can I listen to you? Can I take you out to lunch? That kind of thing. Um after that, not one person. I had a conversation with uh the youth pastor, and he basically just put a big, huge guilt trip on me, said, I thought I knew more than God, I don't know what I'm doing. It was just very demeaning and rude, and um, I don't feel like he was sensitive or understanding in the slightest. And then after that, nobody came and offered counseling or talks or help or anything. And so for that, I'm disappointed. And I realize that every church is different and there's no perfect church or no perfect person. I could totally have grace with that and understanding. Um, but I really feel like I need a church that is more centered with understanding not just the Bible and the text and education-wise and teaching, teaching, teaching, which is where I am right now. I also want it to be more relational, more Holy Spirit-filled, more realizing that it's not just black and white text on a on a page, but that there is a Holy Spirit and you you know should be able to feel and listen and communicate with others, also based on that, and prayer groups and things like that. So I don't know where I'm gonna be living. I don't know if their divorce is gonna go through. I don't know what Mark's gonna say, I don't know where he is at all. I I have no clue. Um, and so today, after they get back from church, Mark and I are supposed to talk. I am not going to chase him. I know he's an avoidant. I know I'm an anxious personality on the thing typically, but I refuse. If he doesn't want to come to me and talk to me, I am not going to go, Mark, can you talk to me? Can you talk to me? It has literally been doing me basically doing that for 32 years, you know, deciding everything from, you know, just everything. And uh, so I'm not going to do that. If he says, okay, I'm back from church, would you like to talk now? Or I'd like to, you know, hear what else you have to say, something like that, then I'm gonna do it. But I I I just am realizing that I can't keep being that person. There has to be something that comes back to me. And um I feel like that's a really good, healthy place to be. And in fact, now that I'm thinking about it, as I talk to other people and was giving guidance and counsel to other people up there, I was talking about the fulcrum, and that's that part on a on a seesaw, right? And in any relationship, there should be some give and take, some up and down. Um, and you should feel, you know, some understanding. And to the point where yesterday when I went with Mark, I told him this and I said, I need you to tell me that you hear what I'm saying or you're you understand, or whatever. He goes, I'm not gonna repeat what you said. You know, he just got very defensive and uh was like, I'm not doing that. And so even in just asking to make sure that there's clarity, that there's no confusion, that you're understanding me, that we're on the same page, you know, or or that at least you're understanding me, um, he wasn't willing to do that. And I thought, well, okay, we'll see how it goes. So I don't know. Uh, you know, what am I willing to accept? What am I not willing to accept? And I think that goes pretty much for all of us, right? But no matter where you are in life, no matter what questions or situations or circumstances, like what are you willing to accept and what are you not willing to accept? And um, I'm not willing any longer, willing to accept subpar. Like, I am not willing to accept breadcrumbs. I am not willing to accept the middle finger. I am I am not willing to accept bad attitudes, defensiveness, lack of communication. Like, I'm just not. And I feel so happy and empowered and encouraged by that um right now as I'm sitting here thinking about all this. It makes me, I feel like I'm a better human being, a better person. And and I don't know, like I said, how much of it was just my nervous system needing regulation, how much was it ketamine, how much is it that I'm just spending time in prayer and sitting and enjoying? Like this morning when I got up, my first thought was, I need to go find the sunset, you know, because that helps your biorisms. And so I went and saw the sunrise, and I was out there just enjoying nature and the trees and the birds and the sky, instead of going, oh my gosh, I've got to get ready because I have a show upcoming, or I've got to do this and I need to do this, and I've I should check on that and do I get the laundry done and take care of this and wipe down the cat. I'm not doing that, and I don't, I'm not saying I won't in the future. I'm saying today, because right, we're always changing, we're always growing, we're always learning, right? And some days are better than others, and some situations are better than others, etc. But today, on this Sunday, I feel like I'm better than I was two or three weeks ago, just even with all of it, you know, just processing it, being okay and accepting kind of whatever comes. If I end up Mark's willing to work with me and we're willing to pull our family together and work together, then I'm willing to accept that. I'm willing to pull my weight and do my best and and show up and be there and do that. If Mark's not willing to do that and he's like, nah, I'm done, checking out, you know, whatever, then I'm willing to accept that too. And um, whatever it ends up to be, I feel like I'm at a at a good place that I'm not totally freaking out or worried or stressed or you know, anxiety ridden because of it. So, anyways, that's it. I'm in the backyard watching these birds run around and and have fun and make all their noises, and it's just nice and peaceful being out here. So, I mean, that that's my suggestion to you guys if you're still listening to this, you know, these episodes. Um, you know, get out in nature, enjoy the world, shut off the electronics, read a book, do some grounding, which is basically putting your feet in the ground or laying down in the ground, getting the earth's energy, you know. Uh just yeah, have a good day. Try to focus on the positive and have a good day. I still haven't done my list of 10. I I I haven't done that, and I probably need to, but I think even without that list of 10, I'm seeing it. I'm I'm being more positive. I'm I'm looking for the good. So that's where I'm at. Oh my gosh, there's a giant hawk sitting on my oh my gosh. I'm gonna have to take a picture of it. It's sitting on um our wow, I see what's happening now. This little bird is trying to get the hawk to move off the fence, and that the hawk is just standing there on the edge of the fence, just not moving at all. It's very cool. I guess that's I feel like that hawk right now. Like, no matter what what comes up at me, I'm gonna be okay. That hawk just is just like totally chill. That bird keeps coming down and like swooping at it. It's so weird. I don't know why a bird would go after the hawk like that. But I'm gonna go take a picture of this. It's kind of crazy. All right. It's it's huge. And there goes that bird swooping down again, cracking up. All right, y'all have a good day. Bye bye.