Katabasis - -Episode 23

4am and I can’t sleep. This one is about coming home, the silence in my own house, and finally saying out loud that I’m done giving and giving with nothing coming back. I talk about the fight that wasn’t a fight, the text I sent with a deadline, and why I’m choosing myself even though I don’t know what happens next.

#KarriKennedy #Katabasis #CPTSD #Boundaries #SelfAbandonment #ChristianWoman #FaithJourney #Healing #MarriageStruggles #SelfDiscovery #TrustGod #InnerWork #Recovery #Peace

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Hey there guys. Um it's four o'clock in the morning. And uh what day is it? The 23rd. So I have been home for like a week and a half almost tomorrow. And um I'm just gonna talk a little bit about the difficulties of coming home, being home, dealing with home, things that have just happened and are happening around here. Um, this has nothing to do with my ketamine journey, um, I guess except for the fact that I'm processing my thoughts differently and I'm seeing things in a different perspective and light, and how that affects me. So I'm gonna just keep putting it here, um, even though it's not necessarily related to ketamine, but maybe it's the after effects. Um I I definitely think it is some of the after-effects. But anyways, um, a few things that have been going on. Um, when I came home, um, I had well, I got home on like a Friday night, and then like Saturday afternoon, I woke up with all kinds of um cold sores on my bottom lip, and it was really bad. We're talking like seven or eight cold sores on my bottom lip, and I think it was stress-induced. Um, I think it was from being here and not really having a safe landing. I think that your body often, and I I know this from my body, often shows in different ways uh the stress that you're carrying in your body. And I think that that was just an you know outward expression of what was going on inside with the the difficulty of coming home from doing ketamine and being in the house where I still don't feel safe, don't feel the respect, the care, the concern, whatever. Um, I'm not even sure what my last podcast was here. Um, but my husband and I did try to go out on a Saturday to talk. It was pretty much horrible. Uh, he was very angry, defensive. I didn't talk to him the whole time I was there. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable, and I am so proud of myself for not giving to him when he wasn't going to give to me, when I didn't feel safe. In the past, one of the things I would have done is fight for my right to be heard, you know, like just listen to me, just hear me, just care, care, care. And uh, I didn't do that. I was like, you know what? I I don't feel confident that you're caring about this and you're listening and that, you know, whatever. And then he would get mad and ratched up um on, you know, and double down on the frustration that he had, like, just if you're gonna say something, just say it. Well, that was um obviously not a not a good, happy place for me to be. And I thought I I am done giving and giving and giving and not receiving. And so that is a huge thing for me. Um, I'm very proud of myself. Um, and I I definitely think there were some role models at the camp that I saw. Um Christina being one of them, who was just like, here's my standard, and I am done, you know, wherever in life she learned it. But she doesn't just give and give and give and give. She has really strong um boundaries. And even before I hated the word boundaries because to me it seemed like you were cutting yourself off and it was rude and it was mean and you weren't giving and giving. I never even used the boundaries uh word. I I just I cringed when I heard it. I would say things like um non-negotiables, because just I think that that word has really gotten hijacked and demented and twisted over time. I think that the guy who started the book, you know, and I'm not gonna get all into it, when he started it, he had good intentions. But I think it's in therapy and stuff, it's got really twisted to the point where if you don't like somebody or you don't approve of what they're saying, or they hurt your feelings, boom, you should cut them off and uh have boundaries. And I don't think that that's ever what God meant or the guy who wrote the book meant. It meant that you protect yourself and arm yourself and have higher capability when dealing with people and you work towards, you know, good communication, good relationships, and what you're willing to take and not take. And that is what I think I'm learning to do more. Um, so, anyways, for example, we we went to um a park and we never discussed how me coming home and talking about what happened while I was gone was gonna work out. I I said to him the acknowledgement, and I probably said it to you guys, but like I felt like I was on a rocket ship and I was coming back to to you know land and I wanted a safe, comfortable landing where I felt cared and loved enough about, you know, where it wasn't, yeah, yeah, get to the point. Give me the bullet points, whatever, whatever. And that has been more of what I've been hearing. And um, I'm just not, I refuse. I just I'm I'm done playing that game. I have been doing that for years and years and years and years. I can't even tell you the last time um it it was it didn't feel like that, and that I was being honored and respected and loved and considered to a point where, you know, I felt safe in a conversation and I wasn't walking on eggshells. And um, how I got there or how we got there, I think that's irrelevant. The point is moving forward now. Um, so, anyways, okay, so that happened on that Saturday, and we went to this park and he wanted to sit in the car and talk for two hours. And I I did tell him, you know, I've got a lot to say. You know, I'm thinking two hours or so. Um, I didn't want to sit in our car for two hours. It was hot out and he didn't want to walk. And I said, well, let's look for shade. And it just got ratched up and arguing, and I finally was like, okay, this isn't working. You this I don't feel comfortable. Let's go back home. We can try it again later. And I thought that was really good. I'm so proud of myself for that. So we we came back home. Then we waited for like four or five hours, which is also another thing I'm proud of, because in the past, I would have pushed and pushed and pushed, kind of like a lawyer in a courtroom. Hear my point, here, I'm valid, I have a voice, listen to me, care about me. Trying to get somebody to give me I wanted to be seen and heard, and so it was like me trying to ratchet up myself to be seen and heard. And I thought I I think looking back at that now, I'm just like, oh my gosh, why did I do that? And I get why I did it, because as human beings, that's what we want, right? Like, who doesn't want to be loved and seen and considered and heard? And for the last three and a half years, well, after I had CPTSD, my whole family has basically given me the middle finger. I mean, my my youngest two boys are here, but and and they listen to me here and there, but at the same time, there's just this like whole overview that mom's not good enough, we don't have to listen to her, we don't have to talk to her, we have our boundaries, she upset us, she's not saying and doing everything perfect, and that's absurd and it's hurtful, and it's very difficult to live with. But I am done trying to have people hear me. I mean, if you don't have enough kindness to just sit across from me without rolling your eyes, or you know, having the body language where your arms are shut or you're angry or you're defensive or you're mad and you're you're gonna hit and attack me like that, I'm not going to keep putting myself in those situations. And I think that I'm once again, I think it's going to be an ongoing battle, but I'm proud of myself for saying that I'm done with that. And and I mean it with anybody. Like, I'm just I refuse to be mistreated anymore. I just I'm so over it. I'm freaking 55 years old. I had to go away to do ketamine to get my life back in order. My family completely has left me when I had a mental nervous breakdown. And instead of them rallying around me and loving me and reading books and checking with me and you see and what was wrong with me and how they could help, they all went, oh well, you know, that's scary. We're not gonna deal with it. You know, I think I've said this before, but if it was breast cancer, they would give a shit. You know, but if it's mental, the hell with it, you know, we're done with that. And I think that our society and humans is in general need to think about that and try to help people. If you, you know, if you have somebody who's addicted to, you know, drugs or alcohol, or you know, they have a physical thing, then everybody's all quick to help out, you know. Oh, we'll get them in treatment, or oh, we'll do counseling, or oh, we'll do an intervention. But hell, your mom has you know CPTSD and gets upset once, and you know, let's put the nails in the coffin. So, um, yeah. Anyways, so about I keep going off track, but I've been up for hours and it's the middle of the night, and this is another thing that just keeps happening is I'm not sleeping as well. I think it's due to the stress in the house and the fact that everything is completely unresolved, like uh 100% unresolved. And um, I've talked about this. When you go and you do ketamine and you change, and it doesn't even have to be ketamine, it can be anywhere. Like you go away and you get yourself figured out and change when you go back to the theater stage of life with the same actors doing their same roles and lines, and your script is different, and you've changed where you're willing to step and not step on that theater, you know, stage. Um, they don't know what to do or how to handle it or where to go from there. And everything kind of gets shifted a little bit. And uh that is it's kind of almost like this the uh stage has the curtains drawn in my situation because my husband and I aren't talking, and the kids are on their phones or their computers or upstairs, and I'm barely talking or seeing anybody here at the house, hardly at all. There is no discussion, there is no moving forward, and it's a really difficult place to be in. Okay, let me get back to where I was. So that Saturday after we couldn't talk, we ended up going to Beck's prime, and I just gave him some basics. I told him about the people, and I showed him pictures of the yurts and just the very, very basic. It was about 25 minutes, answered some very basic questions, and that was it. I did pull out my notes, I didn't tell him the things I've learned, I didn't tell them about things I saw, none of that really. I mean, I think I did tell him it felt like I was inside of an orange in one of them. Um, but I didn't it was nothing really major. And then fast forward, do do do do do all week. We're moving along and we're having just life stressors. I wasn't um doing my shows and and stuff on on my app, and I wasn't making money, and so that was a stressor because the money is tight right now, and that's difficult. Um, all week my lip hurt all the way. It took like eight days for my lips to get better. I mean, honestly, like almost eight to ten days, and I was using Abreva and all kinds of stuff to get it better, but that was horrible. Then my stomach has been really upset and frustrated, um, just not doing the greatest with that, and my sleep is upset. And then yesterday morning I woke up and my throat was hurting. And so I know just from living with myself and learning about myself, that if I'm having physical issues and situations like this, it's because of my internal stress. And I keep thinking back, like maybe I should, you know, do sound bath at night instead of listening to podcasts. Maybe I should, instead of fighting it and tossing and turning and dealing with the dogs in the bed and you know, whatever, maybe I should start thinking about what I should do besides that. That's another aspect that has come out of this is okay, if what I've been doing all along isn't working, how can I change it to make it something different? And I'm not even making it better, not even make it the right thing. I don't even care about that, just something different. Because I feel like if I could at least get off the neuropathway, you know, rut, like that I had created pre previous, where I was allowing and doing and acting and saying or thinking the same things over and over again, if I can just just you know, jar that I guess railroad cart is the way I'm thinking it. Like, if I can just jar it and and knock it over a little bit, something different is better than nothing at all. And that is another, you know, aspect that I'm thinking about. Like, I just can't keep staying in the same circumstance and situation. Like, that is just it's not going to happen. And, you know, I think a lot of my thoughts, my prayers, my writing, all of that is like, well, I am a Christian. What's the right thing to do for God? And I get that. I'm 100% on board with God work with me, but I also am open to the idea that maybe in my life plan, God doesn't want me to be with my husband anymore. Maybe that is, I mean, everybody's like, no, God doesn't like divorce. Well, yeah, God also doesn't like men, you know, hurting their wives or discounting their wives or dysfunction in a family, or you know, four kids not talking to their mom, which has happened. Um, there's a lot of things. I mean, God doesn't like a lot of things in the world. We live in a sinful, evil world. It doesn't mean that there's no way that God would allow or agree to divorce. And in fact, if you go to the Bible, there's at least two reasons for divorce. One is he's cheating, and I think the other one is physical mental abuse. Um, I and then that gets convoluted because everybody has their thoughts on what abuse is. But um, there there are reasons for divorce, and so I don't know if I'm gonna get divorced or not at this point, and that's a hard place to be because I'm just like in the waiting room waiting. So after we came back last Saturday, so you know, this was another Saturday, we've gone over a week now um without really talking. He goes to work, he comes home, he watches TV. Um, last night he said goodnight to me, but the night before he didn't. He just goes upstairs. So it's just we're just here and and nothing's getting done. Um, and nothing's getting accomplished, and there's no real communication. And I finally texted him after he didn't say goodnight to me the other morning, and I'm gonna actually go find it and read it. And I said, um, well, after okay, so we I fast forward. So Saturday I called him after we I tried to our talk with him on Saturday, this last Saturday. So today is uh it's almost Wednesday morning, and I tried to talk to him on Saturday, and it ended up to be another fight. And I ended up leaving the house because I was like, this isn't working, and I was like, I'll come back later. And I ended up going for four and a half hours to Applebee's with a friend of mine and talking, and she, which was so crazy because we've been friends for like 16 years, 17 years. Yeah, I maybe 18 now. Um, she noticed that I was different right away. She was like, Oh my gosh, what's this is from the academy? And she just in our conversation and the things I said, and what my demeanor and my relaxedness of my body, I guess. She was like, Oh my gosh, I can totally tell that you something happened. And I was just like, Yeah, it's crazy. My assistant came over, side note, she came over and she also said the same thing, like, something's different, your demeanor, something's different, which is interesting to me because my assistant and my friend, two women, could tell immediately, like they were like, What happened? They could they notice something. And I I think I've said this in another episode that when I asked um Preston if if he had done ketamine before, I said, Did it did you notice? Did other people notice? He said that he had definitely changed. He he wasn't as anxious, he wasn't doing some of the nervous tick things that he had done before. And I always thought, I thought that was interesting. I thought, I wonder if anybody will notice here. Well, first of all, my husband's a man. Second of all, he doesn't give me a lot of time and energy and pay a lot of attention to me um right now in our marriage. Not saying he's never done that. I'm just saying right now, it that's not where we're at, and we haven't been there for a long time. But um, he didn't, he doesn't, he doesn't notice. He did, he doesn't think anything's changed, and I think that's hilarious. But, anyways, before I went out with Jennifer, uh, my my friend Jennifer for four and a half hours at Apple because talking about that, I it was raining, and I had called Mart to tell him I'm you know, I'm really frustrated with the situation. I'm just trying to get somewhere. And he talked about how he was angry and he's mad, and I, you know, he's got all these feelings, and you know, I said I was getting divorced on social media, and he was just very yelling, and it was I felt very attacked. And I I was crying when I first called him, and the the conversation just it was 45 minutes, and when I got off the phone, um I thought about it and I messaged him this comment. I said, I think at the end of this whole conversation, what we realize is that you're too angry to really listen to what I have to say. So when you're done being angry, or if you ever can get past that, then we can move on. But that's but without that, it's not gonna work. So that I sent him at 148 on Saturday, and he didn't reply. Big shocker. So um, but that's it. You know, it's like uh you have to have two to tango, you have to have two people willing to work. And I once said that to him, you know, on the phone too. I said, You're gonna have to work in this relationship if things are gonna get better. And he said, I don't want to work, I I want to enjoy my life. I'm older, I want to have fun, I want to hang out, whatever. He doesn't want to, and I said, Okay, fine, don't think of it as work, Mark. Think of it as energy and effort. But the reality is we've never really put a ton of energy and effort into our marriage and our our communication and what I wanted and what he wanted and whatever. We were too busy raising kids and taking care of all the things that we had to take care of. And I mean, I could go through a long list with that, but you know, the only times we ever went to counseling or went to a marriage retreat with focus on the family or did anything like that was because the marriage had gotten so bad and so frustrating that I was gonna leave, or he was upset, or it would just we our communication, everything was difficult. And so it was putting out fires, it wasn't being proactive, and you know, 32 years in a relationship with the same person. with ups and downs, but that's your MO is that you're not preventative, you're not, you know, putting the energy and the effort and the time and the you know money and the you know thoughts into that other person. You're just going through with the day to day. And I I think that's always been his MO. His MO for him, he's totally fine with it. You know, he'll say, you know, I'm I'm content. And I think it's just what is the word I use not content. Oh I can't think of what the word is but it's basically where you're just not willing to level up. What is the word? I can't think of it. Anyways um and that's disappointing to me because I feel like my standards, my goals, my hopes, my wants, my wishes, my dreams for my family, for my life, for us, for the kids, for everything just kept getting ratcheted down like down to the bottom. And every time I would want to level up or work towards a goal or try this or do this, it was always met with opposition and what's the big deal and you know you're just never satisfied or something like that as an excuse to not try harder or to work or to give. And I just I don't want to keep doing that. I don't want to I don't want that. I don't want that. So basically at the end of the day it's either you're going to have to put forth energy effort and love and care and concern and time and energy and money and work into this with me or I'm done because I cannot keep giving and giving and giving and giving and trying and wishing and hoping and praying. And um I think I've said this before and and I apologize if some of this is redundant but um she one of the counselors there was talking about how it's cognitive dissonance. When you want something really bad it's it's also called a healing fantasy you think your life will heal and it'll get better if this person will do XYZ if if they will listen to you if they will say goodnight to you if if they will talk to you without being defensive and angry and if they will stop blaming you and you know blah blah blah if if if if if but it's like a well where you have a bucket and you put the bucket down into the well and time after time after time you try to bring up water from that well but it's empty and I think that and and I makes me heartbroken and sad to even say this but I think that might be where we're at because I don't know if my husband has enough to give me I don't know if he has anything to give me at this point. I think he's so angry and bitter and frustrated and you know could trying to convince me that I'm wrong with everything instead of ever really listening to me or care caring honestly I feel like a lot of the time um his goal has been just to convince me he said he even wrote a script of what I should say to my kids to make my life better. And I'm like that in itself is pretty screwed up you know we're all human beings but no I'm sorry that's that's not gonna work um you know if you guys can't love me for who I am and who I'm trying to be and where I'm trying to be and what I'm trying to do then I I can't I can't convince somebody to care and love me. And and I get I've got to realize that it has nothing to do with God or or the Bible in me saying let me change that. It does have to do with God and the Bible and all of that but I'm pulling myself out and looking at the overall picture because I don't think God wants me to be suffering and sad and disappointed and heartbroken for the rest of my life I I don't anymore. Before when I left I thought that I thought I don't deserve anything I'm not good enough you know I've screwed up you know I I shouldn't have maybe married him and blame me blame me guilt guilt guilt and you know disappointment heartache all that and I thought well maybe this is just my life maybe this is just as good as it gets maybe I just have to keep suffering and sacrificing and this is just the way it is until somebody steps in and makes it better hoping that God would do something. And now what I think I'm realizing is maybe God wants me to do something. You know maybe God didn't want me to be mistreated like this. Maybe God wants me to have good things in life and happiness and joy and good relationships and kindness and compassion and empathy and understanding and a listening ear and sympathy and and somebody who can be my cheerleader somebody that I can look towards and have as a role model and a mentor and I could be a cheerleader for somebody who helps me up and I can help them up. You know maybe that's what God wants for me. And I I don't have the answers I don't know I I don't know but I I do know I want better I'm working on that I'm not saying what I don't want like I don't want a bad relationship I'm saying I want a better relationship and if it's not going to be with him then I'm fine I'll have a better relationship with myself or I'll have a better relationship with different friends and family maybe move maybe get remarried I don't know but I am not refusing I'm trying not to even say refusing I am going to work hard for me and my future and my wants and needs I'm going to stand up for myself and my wants and needs I am tired of being a doormat I am tired of being mistreated I am I'm done I'm done with that and I'm really happy that I'm standing up for myself or at least right now in this part I'm thinking about it. But what I'm not happy with and I'm gonna say this that happened on Saturday and then the whole weekend went by Father's Day happened I kind of stayed out of their way they went to church my assistant came over um I had a show nobody helped me with packing or doing anything I packed up boxes Hayden took those yesterday but they mark drank beer and hung out and by the pool and they went swimming after doing a little bit of yard work after coming back from church and they I just let them do whatever and I read and I wrote and I you know cleaned and just packed and did different things didn't really talk to them at all on Sunday and you know then Monday comes and I get not even a good night and or anything like nobody just everybody just goes to bed and just no no goodnight. And so the next morning at 625 this was yesterday morning I wrote having a relationship with you whatever that ends up looking like right now it's not healthy. I'm not getting good sleep and I woke up this morning with a really sore throat and it's just not healthy for me when I'm so stressed out how do you propose we go forward? Do you want me to give you questions so you could answer them do you think that you can get your emotions in a place where we can productively talk I refuse to do the heavy lifting if you're not going to invest or put energy and effort into this at all I guess we can we need to call someone you might be in the gray area but you're really not because you've chosen not to work with me then you're not in the gray area anymore. If you moved on you're willing to spend energy money and efforts on me or our marriage or any future whatsoever together then I think that we've you've made your choice because it takes two to tango and I can't do this on my own. I expected answer today by five o'clock well I thought that was really good I said here's what I want this is the way I see it and here here's what it is um and I even put five o'clock as like this is it and then a little bit later I wrote oh and I'm and so that I'm not ambiguous which which I think I was a little bit above I mean by calling somebody I mean a mediator or a lawyer because I've suggested counseling and I refuse to pretend that the problems that we have could ever be resolved with one hour per week. If you can't spend five days with me at a retreat then I guess that's pretty much it. You don't care enough about me or our relationship or the time that we have had to invest energy time or money. And if that's the case then we need to get going with calling a mediator or a lawyer you either work towards making things better or you work towards separating you have to choose a direction mark. And then I talk to him about you know how I just a few random things. But um anyways he says he he texts me back he says the boys and I are going to Jason's this weekend. I would like to get through the week and the weekend and I propose we plan to discuss where we go with our marriage when we get back I need some time to think I would like to hear your notes about your trip still I think that might help me understand a little better. And my thought is I'm not giving any more to him if he can't give anything to me I'm just that this is absurd. I have been giving and giving and giving and giving and trying and trying and trying and I'm not going to do that when the person is dismissive rolling their eyes huffing telling me I'm not talking fast enough asking for bullet points if that's how little you care about me and my voice I'm not going to give it to you anymore. Like point blank done. Anyways I said okay well I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone who I feel has been extremely angry and defensive I don't feel safe and cared about I'm not going to keep putting my energy in that direction I have limits on what I'm willing to do from now on. So when you can get your head on straight and let me know where your thinking is then and get your emotions in order then maybe just maybe I'll feel safe enough to do that. I don't know how going to drink and water ski is going to help you figure things out while you had 16 days to do that while I was gone and chose not to which is true. I mean our our marriage issues have been going on for for well 32 years off and on and especially in the last year and a half the last year and a half two years but I mean like it's it's gotten way worse because I realized he's not working towards the family he's not leveling up he's not trying to to listen to me and counsel with me or any of that. And so it's just gotten worse and worse and worse and it's like pushing um a problem underneath a big rug anyways now there's a giant elephant in the rug we have a huge living room we have two giant living uh spaces like it's almost like two living rooms back to back because it's this big long space and we have two living room rugs that are gigantic. I don't know what the size of them are but it's like there's giant elephants under both of them and that's what we're dealing with. And to think that we could just go you know once a week and deal with this little pro no buddy it's way beyond that we are at the point of divorce this is not something that is is you know just oh we're gonna sprinkle a little dust on it here and there. No you're going to really actually have to change and work and and and put energy and effort into it and if you can't then I'm out of here period point blank and I am so proud of myself before I left I was scared I was like what where am I going to get a job and where am I going to live and and it what is it going to do to the kids and how is this going to affect everybody and now I don't feel like that at all. I feel stronger I feel more capable I feel like if that's the direction it's going then let's go buddy because I am done I am at such a I am going to fight for me I am done getting bullied and mistreated and discounted and I I am I'm over it and I get how I let myself get here I get my childhood I I get it I get how I my voice has been I don't know stifled is the word I that's not the right word but so that's where I'm at right now but I I you know I told him five o'clock and now I realize oh he pushed me back another week so I feel disappointed and I feel unheard and I feel like I'm just it it keeps getting pushed back he's an avoidant so he avoids and that's I mean how do you get an avoidant not to avoid I mean how do you get an alcoholic not to drink I mean it's it's basically the same thing I can't do it. He has to do it God has to do it and I don't know if that's ever going to happen. I I but I know I know that I know that I know that I will not continue to stay married to somebody who discounts me to this level or keeps pushing it off or keeps avoiding or keeps wanting just this is bottom of the totem pole here man. I mean like there's no leveling up and I I I just I refuse and I'm thinking that that's good and I don't know what's gonna happen. And I'm I'm praying about it and I'm thinking and I'm writing and I'm reading and I'm I'm doing the best I can but I know that my best is way better than it was and I'm not saying it's just ketamine I think it was just me thinking about things calming my nervous system not being racketed up you know I think I'm saying this wrong but at the same time I think my nervous system is so much calmer than it was but at the same time I'm concerned about the physical also I've had just different pains and issues here and there. And today I am at 10 o'clock so it's now 440 in the morning and I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. I don't know if I will the fact that I'm not I I take the same sleep it's it's because of the anxiety and the frustration of living in here. It's not healthy for me. 100% I can say that that this isn't a oh I wonder no I know that living in this environment in this situation where I feel stressed out like I'm walking on eggshells with quote moody mark and I don't know what to expect it's difficult at best. Uh that's the nicest way to say it. And so one moment he might be okay the next moment he's not I it's very very hard and it's not good for me. And I want good for me. And also if you're listening to this I want good for you. I don't know who you are but I feel like we all need to care for ourselves a little bit more. I know at least in my point I have laid down my hopes my wants my dreams my everything for everybody else for so long that it just hurts me to even say that because I realize now that I while I was doing something good in the name of Christianity in the name of good intentions and the name of hope and wants and you know self-sacrifice and long suffering while it was all with good intentions while all that was going on I was self-abandoning I just forgot to I don't think any human being should feel this way and I know we're going to and I know we're gonna have difficult times and situations but I don't think it should be a repeat I don't think that every day for the rest of my life I should be sad and disappointed and heartbroken I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like that I want to have hope and I want to have goals and I want to have joy and I want to have compassion and empathy and I want to be seen and I want to be heard and I want to be cared for and I want to be loved it's not a bad thing it's not a bad thing to want to be cared for and stand up for yourself I'm really sad when I was at that retreat one of the counseling ladies said to me she said if it was your best friend or one of your really good friends you know and you were listening to her and her life and you were seeing her and her life would you tell her to stay status quo and stay there and keep going through what you're doing and how you're living and what it looks like or would you tell her to change things and I said oh a hundred percent I would tell her to change and she said well if you're willing to tell your best friend or another human being you know that why wouldn't you tell yourself that and I'm like I do tell myself that but then I just make excuses and justifications and say oh well it is what it is and I just I just keep going with it. And I mean that's basically what an idiot is somebody who does the same thing over and over again expecting different results no matter how much I say hey I want to talk to my kids hey you know whatever he's like you can't talk to your kids until you say this until you do that it's just it's horrible. I mean you should I I I almost wish you guys could hear the tone and the way he yells at me and says I'm wrong I can't do anything right and it's just that's it's a lie. It's a lie from the bit of hell it's not true because I am worthy I am capable I am smart I can have conversations I can do things and to sit in here and live live with this and listen to the lies I'm I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to do better for myself whether it's here in this house with him or whether it's somewhere else I've got to take care of Carrie at some point I've got to stop self-abandoning me. And I I'm mad at myself for his comment wasn't okay by five o'clock I'll I'll get you something or I'll tell you something or we'll sit down and talk it was let let's push it back and what did I do? I just went okay what was I gonna do I I don't have any money I can't just up and leave I don't what are my choices and so I've got to start thinking what can I do because he's gonna keep avoiding he's gonna keep pushing it back he's gonna keep not showing up unless he has a reason to change or God or miracles or whatever I I I I can't hold on hope for him anymore. I have to hold on hope for me because me living for whatever his choice or decision is isn't me living it isn't it's just got me in a holding pattern that has kept me in Sadness and despair and heartbreak and disappointment and all these horrible feelings and thoughts for so many years and so such a long time. You can't hope in the hopeless, you you can't reason with the unreasonable, you can't dream with the people who don't dream, you know? It's just if we've grown apart so far we didn't grow together, and he's not willing, then that's it, you know, and I think at the end of the day, I'm learning all kinds of lessons, and I can only say so much here, but that is really where I'm at. That's what I'm going through. The physical ailments, the stress, the elephants in the room, the the not knowing where to go, but knowing something has to change. And I've got to stop self-abandoning. And I I definitely think I need to, you know, be walking. I've been taking cough and medicine stuff like for my throat. I'm not, I don't take actually over-the-counter medicine, so like teas and trying to just take it easy yesterday so I can get better. And today I'm having a procedure on they're carterizing my vein in my leg because I've got leaky veins. And so I'm going and having the second procedure of three done tomorrow at 10. Well, I guess it's in a few hours. So I'm gonna go try to go back to sleep and get up and get going. And I'm going to try to be intentional about my thoughts and my plans and just do the best I can every day. And I'm not, I don't have to keep trying to phrase it differently. I want to say I'm not okay with things the way they are. But how do I reframe that? Because I'm really trying hard to do that. And it's I want better. I want more. I want joy. I want happiness. I want future. I want self-care. I want healthiness, happiness, you know, all these different things. I want peace and safety. Yeah, that's a those are huge. Peace and safety. So, anyways, there's my random thoughts on all kinds of stuff. And I'm sure I went all over the place. And some of sometimes I'm like, should I actually publish this? I I don't know. But I think I will, even if it can help just one person, even if it helps one person think about reframing and going through whatever you're going through and thinking about how you don't need to self-abandon and how you can take care of yourself and how you can reframe things and just you know, try to neuroplasticity, just try, try to do something different today than than you did yesterday, you know, whatever it is, even if it's taking a block, uh walk around the block, or you know, mixing it up with skipping here and there, or walking backwards, just it whatever your normal pattern is, just shift it a little bit, move it a little bit. Um that's really what I'm gonna work on today. Anyways, I hope you guys are doing good and we'll talk to you next time. If I I think I definitely will have to do some wrap-up episodes, but I guess maybe what I should do is uh see if I can get some fan mail and have you guys tell me whether I should keep going or not. That's probably probably where I need to go. You guys can always uh there's an option in the notes for you to write fan mail. I get it on my other podcast, but I I haven't even mentioned it here. Um, I think you should have an option to do that. Um, but anyways, yeah. All right, have a great day. Bye bye.