Katabasis- Episode 24

It’s been a month since my last episode, and life has moved fast. I’m giving you an update on where I’m at with the divorce, the mediation, and the reality of starting over after 31 years of marriage. I talk about the clarity I’ve gained, a hard call with my daughter, an unexpected conversation with a rideshare passenger, and why I’m finally thinking about what I want instead of what everyone else wants from me. This one is raw honesty about grief, growth, and what it looks like to choose yourself again.

#Divorce #StartingOver #DivorceJourney #MidlifeReinvention #EmotionalHealing #MentalHealthJourney #GriefAndGrowth #NewChapter #SingleAt55 #EstrangedFamily #TraumaRecovery #FaithAndHealing #SelfDiscovery #PodcastLife #KarriKennedy

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hey there guys. Um I'm coming to you. I guess it's been a month now. I think it's uh the 24th of July, and it was the 23rd of June that I recorded my last episode. And uh I had a headache yesterday and uh ended up going to sleep at like 9, 9 30, I guess. And then um I got woke up with heartburn because I ate popcorn too late. And so I've been up since about one o'clock, and I was wondering if my well, I don't want to call him husband anymore, my soon-to-be ex uh was here or not, because he never called, he never texted, nothing. Um, and so I got up and his truck wasn't there. And then at around two o'clock, the dogs all started going up nuts and everything, and uh it was him coming in. No doubt he's been out partying, drinking, who knows uh where he didn't, you know, he didn't let us know. And uh so the trash didn't get taken out, I'm realizing. And uh I'm still up and it's uh 2 30 in the morning. And I thought, I haven't uploaded the last, you know, three episodes. So I just uploaded episode 21, 22, and 23, and I think this is gonna be 24, and I'm just kind of giving an update on on where I am and what I'm dealing with, and just some random thoughts uh after doing the ketamine and if I'm gonna keep going on at all with this. Uh, you know, I I I have a couple other uh podcasts and and they're definitely doing better than this one, but I don't advertise anywhere on any of them really, um, except the business one. And um yeah, it is what it is. I don't know who's listening to this. Um, I don't know how many downloads I've had. I haven't looked at it. So I'm still trying to decide, you know, what I'm gonna do with this. I'm gonna keep this up or what um actually just now there was an episode uh that I went back and listened to, and it was the closing ceremony. And uh I was just listening to the positive words that people were saying at the place at the retreat, and I was thinking how nice it was to be around other people who liked me and appreciated me and saw me and heard me and cared about me. And um that in itself, I think, is an invaluable thing that I got uh being around other people who weren't just so self-absorbed about their own wants and their own needs and turning this up, uh, but also they were considerate and concerned and curious and listening and and uh there was good dialogue and learning on both sides. And so I I definitely, I definitely, definitely miss that aspect. Um, I actually called recently to talk to one of the counselors there and I messaged her and she said, Oh yeah, I'll get back to you. And it just didn't work out with our schedules, and so uh drinking some water. I have this terrible heartburn. Um, but she's gonna she's supposed to call me next Thursday. And so I'm I'm looking forward to that call. A lot has happened in a month, and in in a nutshell, I've I've disappointed myself because I feel like I was in a really good headspace, and no doubt, because I had the positivity and the calm and not the same stressful environment. Um, but I've I've said things that I wish I didn't say. Um, and maybe they were true, true, but I didn't need to say them, and so I I'm regretful of that. Um, can't go back and change it. I did say I was sorry. Um, it was to my soon-to-be ex. And uh, you know, I I definitely was in a dysregulated state, and I was being, you know, there was stress and difficulty in the relationship for sure. Um, the divorce is definitely gonna go straight through uh with mediation, it looks like. Um, we're at the point now where um uh we don't want to spend, you know, tens of thousands of dollars. We really don't have uh to get a divorce, but for like $7,000, you can get a woman who will, you know, talk to you, counsel you, mediate with you, get you the lawyers, get the paperwork, do all the stuff, one-stop shop kind of thing. And um, so I think I've convinced him to to meet with her and move forward in that area. So that's good. Uh the relationship has just gotten to the point where I it's we can't even, I mean, you can't even have a like I can't even say one thing anymore. Like I'm walking around on eggshells so bad that I can't even say one thing without it escalating, even like a joke or a quip or a funny, you know, it's taken the wrong way, it's you know, what uh it doesn't matter. Uh, but it's to the point where you can't even, I mean, it's it's very rare that we could have a five-minute conversation without it escalating. And that just I think points to how bad it has gotten. And uh so having gone to ketamine, you know, it was supposed to be working on me and getting my my understanding of my life and getting things back on track. And uh, I think, you know, I definitely see things differently. I definitely am out of the loops. I'm I'm able to see a problem, see a situation, see what's going on, and assess it and look at it from different perspectives and really see how it's affecting me, how it's affected the person who's saying it, what whatever. Um, kind of get a different perspective on it. Um and I I think I don't know how to explain it, but you know, if you are sitting on a couch or if you're standing on a chair, or if you're looking up, you know, to the ceiling or looking down from the second story, you're you're gonna get different perspectives. That's like a physical, you can see it. But when when my dog is scratching, when you um do ketamine or you do therapy or you do thinking or this this you know inner work or whatever, I think one of the things you do is try to see perspectives from other people, not just your own eyes, right? Like you're trying to to get a view from God's perspective and from you know a friend's perspective, and you're you know, try to put yourself in whoever's upset with you's perspective and you know, try to have empathy and understanding and compassion, and you you try so hard, you know. I I I have always prided myself on being able to listen and pay attention and understand. And I I try, you know, I try my best. And now, since going to do ketamine, I'm trying even more. Um, and seeing, you know, okay, you know, like right now my husband's saying, Oh, I'm just totally fine. Well, he says that I think he's not only lying to me, but he's lying to himself. He's not fine. You don't get rid of a marriage after 31 years and have four estranged kids and be dealing with the finances and the lawyers and his job issues, and you're just fine. But that's the lie he wants to tell himself, and that's fine, that's whatever. But I see a scared boy who's making big, big, big, bad choices and decisions and not thinking clearly and not, you know, not living up to his potential. And I see, you know, things differently um than he's even seeing it. And that's fine. We don't have to agree or anymore. We're we're going our separate ways. But um, I think going and having that time has been really good for me to have that and uh to to think about things and to constantly be evaluating and re-evaluating and looking and and considering and you know, just not just going about the day-to-day, and you know, but really stopping and having quiet time and thinking and praying and evaluating and whatever. So um that's been good. Um, a couple things I want to say before I keep going. Um a friend of uh from from the retreat, actually, Kate, he's come down here twice to visit me. Um, we went car shopping and we went out to eat and we went to parks and we we just did a bunch of stuff, and that's been wonderful to keep that relationship um with him. And um, he's 33 and it's kind of like a mother-son relationship, and I I really like it. So um we talk and text, and it's just been wonderful. And um so he suggested that I, you know, trying to figure out jobs, trying to figure out the future, trying to get money. And he said, well, try try to do Uber. And I was like, Okay, you know, I might as well just try it. So I signed up one day and the next day I drove 10 people and I made a hundred bucks. It's not you don't make a lot of money. That's with tips. Um, I guess it just depends on where you're at. You know, if you're just taking somebody from one place to another, it's not a big deal. But if you're at uh like a big event, like a football game or something like that, and you're taking a lot of people back home from a big event, you make more money. That's the way it works. Uh, but, anyways, I did that, and this is such a weird thing, but one of the people I picked up was this guy, I think his name was Alex. Um, and I picked him up and from some big, tall, huge building, I guess. I don't remember where I was in Houston. And uh he you could just tell something was different about him. And he I said, Oh, so you work here and I'm taking you home, you don't have a car, or I said something, you know, just kind of to try to get a pulse. And he's like, I had a procedure done and I'm unable to drive. And I automatically, I just knew I was like, uh, procedure, is it okay if I ask you, you know, a personal question, you know, whatever? And I asked, I said, Did you do ketamine? And he's like, Yeah, how did you know? And I was just like, Oh my gosh. So I talked to him and I found out he's done it like, I think he said something like 26 times. And I was like, What? How in the world could you have done it 26 times? And uh he said that there, I never heard of this, and that's why I wanted to make sure I put it on here. Um he goes to some clinic, obviously, it's not at all the same environment that I had, um, but a clinic and they they spray something up your nose, and it had we we talked about the experience and what it was like and whatever, and it sounds similar, but I don't think his his takes as long. I I think it's like 30 minutes or something, you know, 15, 30 minutes, if that. And uh yeah, he he said you feel it really quickly, and you know, he's had different visions and he feels like it's really helped him. He was really depressed, he was going through a really, really hard time and blah, blah, blah. And it's helping him. And I told him about the retreat and you know, whatever. So um he gave me a ten dollar tip, he was a really nice guy, and um, I told him about some places here in in Houston. Oh gosh, now I'm getting tired in Houston and and and some different uh people I knew and and names and stuff, and so that was good. But I had never even heard of that, I didn't even know. And uh, so I thought that was interesting. But um, what was the other thing? That was one big thing I was gonna tell you about, and I cannot remember what the other one was right now. Anyways, um, back to me and where I'm at. Um, so it looks like we're gonna try to get hardwoods upstairs, sell the house, put the house on the market, found a realtor. Um, we've got the mediator gonna try to, you know, meet with her and figure out what he's willing to bring to the table, what I'm willing to bring to the table. It's not so great when honesty and positivity are missing. Um, you know, so after all these years, you know, yeah, it's it's rough. But anyways, okay, fast forward. I am planning on moving. I'm like, I've been thinking about it, and you know, I pretty much have given up a lot of my hopes and dreams for my kids and my family. And that's fine. You know, that they're part, they were part of my hopes and dreams. I wanted the best for them, and I I wanted to take care of them, and I take care of the house and take care of the dogs and take care of the meals and the cleaning, and that was what I wanted to do at the time. And at this time, I'm like, what do I want to do? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Where am I going? And the reality is, you know, working on this whole cognitive dissonance and realizing, you know, what I want and what I hope and what I dream and reality are two different things. And I can't be in the loop anymore. I'm definitely not in the loop anymore of hoping or dreaming or wishing if it's not ever going to be reality, if it's not in my control, if it's not something I can do something about. Um, and so like I had two very tearful, emotional phone calls to my daughter with my three grandkids in California because my 19-year-old went to go visit her for two and a half weeks. Um, she had a third grandbaby. I didn't even get a phone call. You know, like it's that nobody's let me see a picture. It's just, it's a really messed up situation. And it's extremely sad and unfortunate and difficult. And I just, yeah, I can't even imagine uh anything worse. And uh so I called her just saying, Hey, could I come up there? And before ketamine, I was scared to death to even try something like that. Um, the idea of going somewhere and being fearful and worried and just scared. I was I could not even imagine um going up there because I thought she'd slam the door in my face or she'd yell at me or it'd escalate or whatever I thought in my head. And now I'm at such a different place. I I'm fearless and I'm willing to go and I'm willing to do and I'm willing to try because life is short and I see that, and I don't like the fact that you know my kids and my husband haven't facilitated really any healing or conversation or work in almost four years uh since this estrangement with four of my kids. I don't know what I've said here and what I haven't, so it's kind of crazy because I don't remember from time to time what I've said. But, anyways, um I left those two tearful messages recently. I guess it was about a week and a half ago or so. And um, I left them really quick. You know, I didn't write a plot or whatever, it was just me saying I love her and I'm proud of her and I want a relationship with her and I want to see my grandkids and I want to hug them and you know that kind of thing really quick. And then I was texting to tell her the ball's in your court, but I would love to come visit her in California. And she blocked me, and I thought I she's not even seeing me as a human being. There's no way you could have heard my voice and my plea and my cry from one human being to another and done that without just being really bitter and resentful and punishing and vindictive and hard-hearted and whatever she's going through, mentally unstable, whatever it is. I can't imagine like me hearing or any human being hearing a plea of a mother to see her child and her grandkids and then kind of basically giving the middle finger. So whatever she's believing, whatever she's thinking, what I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know, um, unless she tells me, of course, and we work on things, but just the reality that I had to sit with that, that you know, I did my best making the phone calls and trying. And even with that, I just got blocked. And I don't think she's, you know, just sitting here and going back to that episode in here. I just listened to a minute where it was uh Heather talking about how she sees me and she honors me and she appreciates me and whatever in the closing ceremony. You can go back and listen to that episode. But my kids don't see me, they don't hear me, they don't listen to me, they don't honor me, they don't respect me, they none it's not there. And I have to realize that that is the situation for whatever reason. Social media, their friends, you know, uh, the world therapist, uh, you know, I upset them, whatever it is. Um, it's it's there, and I can't change them. I'm only in charge of myself. I think a lot about the serenity prayer, you know, God grant me this serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And the reality is I can't I can't make this better, and it's heartbreaking, and it just makes me want to be a puddle and on the floor and cry. But I'm I'm too aware now, I'm too strong, I'm too capable. I'm not going to allow myself to do that for the rest of my life. It's been almost four years. I'm purposely like, you know what? I had a moment, you know, when I was crying and really wanted to reach out and go because I thought this is my chance, this is my opportunity, this is this is our chance to sit down and and to have these conversations and to do the hard things and to work through it. But it takes two to tango. And just like I can't have a marriage with my husband anymore because he's not working, I can't have a relationship with my kids because they're not working. And maybe I wasn't earlier. And so I think that's a really key point here. And uh, so fast forward, I've been thinking about moving to Florida or Tennessee probably for about eight or nine months. I kept going, okay, Florida or Tennessee. Well, I cut out Florida just because of the expense of it. Then I thought about Tennessee. And so for like three, four days this last week, I've been looking into going to Tennessee, found a realtor, found a place. Um, Nolansville was where I wanted to move. It's it's all too expensive. I can't, I can't do that either. I don't know how much money I'll have. I don't have the education, I won't be getting, you know, child support. Uh there might be a little bit of extra money, spousal support, possibly when the marriage, you know, whatever. But dependent on what I get, I'm not gonna have a lot. And I'm probably gonna have to sell a lot of what I have, and I'm losing a lot, not just a lot of pain and frustration, which I'm very excited to lose. Um, but I'm also going to be losing, you know, my house, the garage, the the bedroom, my furniture, the pool, you know, what my the town I've lived in for 30 years. It's it's going to be a lot. But I feel so capable, so ready, so excited for this next chapter of my life. I'm in a place where I don't have the fear level that I had. And I I even look back when I first had CPTSD, and you know, it's been almost four years, but I was so uncapable uh of doing incapable of doing anything. It was unbearable pain and stress, and just my nervous system was shot. And I think that that these kind of things might be the situation why my daughter, you know, blocked me. She's got her own mental, you know, things going on. And and I pray for her and I hope for her and my other kids, and I pray for my husband and all of them. I I pray for healing and things for them to get better, but I can't control it, you know, and I can't force it. And I I just have to accept it. So now, anyways, fast forward, I think instead of moving to Tennessee, I'm thinking about moving to Georgia because. Because um just with talking to realtors and going on the internet and looking and researching, there's land that I could get. And if I could get some land, I could build a tiny house on it or buy a house, a tiny house on some land, and I could see the stars and I could see lightning bugs and I could have a creek nearby and trees and a whole new life. And I've wanted a new life for something like 30 some odd years. I wanted it to get better. And uh my husband just kept saying, Oh, don't worry, it's gonna get better. But a lot of it was our relationship and, you know, choices that we made together or that he made unilaterally with me, like he's been doing right lately too. You know, um, his choice of, you know, going out and getting drunk and not calling or texting anybody and staying out till two in the morning. That's his choice, you know. He uh took money out of one of our accounts and, you know, did things with it without my permission, unilateral choices and decisions. And uh that that hasn't been healthy and good for our marriage when uh I've been living with that. And so for a really long time, I've wanted things to be better where I actually had power and control and could make decisions, the decisions that I wanted. And uh sure, there was a few things, you know. We got to pick out, you know, maybe the dishwasher or the refrigerator together, and I had a better say in which refrigerator I have, um, you know, or my car. I have a car that I like now for the first time ever. Um, really, truly in my life. I have a car that I really like. And uh, you know, so I did get to make some choices here and there that were positive and good for me, but I always had to tie whatever choices I made for the most part, you know, bigger choices to him. I'm living in a house right now. I didn't want to move into this house. And I remember being at the mall crying and saying, I don't, I don't want to live there, but he wasn't listening to me. He he just totally dismissed me and told me, Don't worry about it. Everything will work out. Nothing has I can't believe that anymore. I have to make my own truth and and future, and I can't keep hoping and dreaming and believing that if he says things are gonna get better, that they're going to. That has been a well that has dried up in the cognitive dissonance. You know, I can't I can't believe in that anymore. And um, he's not willing to work. So now I'm thinking he can keep the last kid for the last year, and he can move to Sugarland, and I can move to Georgia or something like that. So my second, my the the last kid, the sixth kid, is going to California on Tuesday. And I thought, well, if he's going to California to see my daughter and my grandkids, this is, you know, this is the third trip from this house. They all went together, then Hayden went, now Hudson went. Now I'm like, I haven't done anything all summer at all. Nothing, really. Day to day cleaning the house, you know. I went to the ketamine thing, obviously, but that was work too. It wasn't just like fun, fun, fun the whole time. Um, I went for emotional stuff for those two weeks, but the rest of the summer I haven't done anything. My family is leaving today to go to the river. Well, a couple weeks ago they went to a lake, you know, they went to California. I haven't done anything. And so I'm thinking I'm gonna get in a plane, put it on a credit card, and go to Georgia and look around and see if it's a place I'd be interested in living. But I'm so excited about potential. I, for the first time, won't have the baggage that I've had. And I mean, it's good baggage. Trust me, I I love my my kids, but I will not have to take the things, I won't have to take the attitudes, I won't have to take obviously my ex-husband. Um, I'll be able to make choices and decisions based on what I want and what I would like, and not have to worry about what anybody else thinks or how they approve or what they want, or if it's the right in their mind. Um they don't have uh somebody said the other day it was my mom has for four months been giving me a really rough time. You know, you shouldn't get divorced, God hates divorce, you know, you should go to counseling, you need to get, and I'm like, mom, you have not talked to Mark and you have not, you know, heard the whole story and you're not listening. And I got really passionate and frustrated the other day when she was here. I told her I I need a little time away from her because she just keeps pushing the same narrative. But at the end of the day, the reality is I don't have to take her opinion. She did she doesn't have a right to an opinion. I'm 55 years old almost. And my kids don't get an opinion, you know, anymore. Like I don't have to listen to it anymore. Um, I've got four kids who, you know, don't feel any responsibility at all to family, you know, their mom, kinda, like they don't and I feel like that's sad. I don't want to get to the point where I don't give a damn about anybody, but I'm definitely going to have more thought in who I listen to and who I don't, what I accept and what I don't, what I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not. And at the end of the day, people can say whatever they want, think whatever they want about me doing ketamine or leaving my church or getting a divorce or whatever it is. It's my life, it's not theirs. And so they can say, they can think, you can, whatever. It doesn't matter to me anymore. Um, I actually, you know, I've pretty much known who I am and what I believe and what I think, and I've always been passionate and capable of making my own choices and decisions to a certain point. But of course, I had to think about all these other people and the the circumstances and try. I think I I I thought too much about everybody else and not enough about myself. And I I know that, and I I've I've really been working on that. Um, even even as all this was going on, and even yesterday, I still struggle with it because I get legal advice and they're like, Well, you should do this with your husband in this situation. And I'm like, I don't want to upset him, I don't want to, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to, and they're like, you need to do this, and you should do this. And I'm just like, I don't want to make things worse. And I think that that that's good of me, you know, to be thinking about him and his life and what it's gonna look like. I'm I don't want to be vengeful and hurtful and mean. I don't wanna be that person. I've I've got I've got people who are doing that to me. I don't want to be that person. I, you know, I think a lot of the choices that he's made and decisions he's made, he's gonna look back, he's gonna regret, and he's going to realize that he's losing the best person in his life after for 31 years. But I can't control that. I can't help him. There's there's nothing I can do. And so I just I feel like all the a lot of the weight that I've been carrying with trying to keep up with mental and emotional and spiritual and just all the work of the house and the mental load of all of it on my shoulders, I'll be able to release and give up and move on. And so I think that's a just really good, healthy place to be in. So I feel like the sooner all this can happen, the better. The cortisol levels at night, even when I take sleep medicine, I'm still getting up in the middle of the night, I'm getting heartburn, I'm up for hours, and it's because I'm living in this house with the dysfunction, the stress, walking on eggshells, scared to talk, you know, wanting it to be over. And instead of him moving out, he says he can't, he doesn't want to, whatever. He's, you know, it's just it is what it is. And so I'm hoping, I'm praying, I'm wishing and wanting for this to speed up super, super fast. I I don't, you know, the house is gonna go on the market. I don't want to live in the same house with this man for another six months or a year, whatever it could take to sell this house. That this just like unbelievably sounds horrible to me. Um, we can barely even be in the same room together for five minutes. So without things escalating, it's just very dysfunctional. Um, it wasn't always like this, but it is just reached a fever pitch. And so I think for my health, my kids' health, his health, all of it, we just need to wrap this up and be done as soon as possible. So my ketamine, I think, and my treatment and where I'm at, it's just really given me a lot of clarity. It's it's made me realize that I can only, you know, pound my head up against the wall for so long, you know. I can only hope and pray and all this for so long. And then the reality of it. And so I feel like I'm gonna keep going, I'm gonna keep struggling, I'm gonna life is difficult, it's a hard thing. Um, my husband, the ex-soon-to-be ex-husband, does not want to work. He literally said, I don't want to work. He said, Things shouldn't be this hard, you know. Uh he wants to party, he wants to have fun. I'm in a different place. I do want to work, I want to think, I want to listen, I want to do missions work, I want to help people, I I want to have purpose and um integrity. And, you know, we're we're just in two different worlds and trying to, it's almost like we're two spinning globes, if you will. Uh, and there's no way those two spinning worlds that are floating off to their own different directions could ever come back. Uh I I just can't in a million years right now imagine or see a way possible at all. He he doesn't want to. And um, so I'm I'm so grateful that after all this and going through this process that something that I've been struggling with for almost four years after CPTSD. You know, what does my life look like? Where am I going? How am I handling this? I'm in a good place now and I'm excited about my future. In fact, I I got on um hinge and started looking up dating. Not that I'm going to start dating. I just wanted to take a sneak peek and see what the what the population looks like right now. There's a lot of people like me who are getting divorced and people who are older and single. And, you know, I'm hopeful that in the future I can date. And I'm hopeful in the future I can maybe even get remarried and have a family and you know do things and travel and have conversations and enjoy life and go out to eat and you know, go places and hold hands with somebody again and have somebody in my bed. I'm I'm sleeping alone. He sleeps upstairs. I I want to cuddle, I I want to have human touch again, and there's all these things that I'm hopeful for instead of scared about. And that is such a good feeling. It's such a good place to be that I could really live anywhere, I could go anywhere, I can do anything. It's like having my life for the first time, like in forever. Um, it's just a very, very exciting thing. And so that's it. I'm gonna end here. I don't know if I'm gonna come back and do another episode. Um, nobody in here, there's a place at the in the notes where you can click on it and put fan mail, but uh nobody has given me any fan mail on this podcast yet. And so um, if you if you want to message me or something, I will definitely message you back. Um maybe I'll come and tell you how it's going, but I definitely think it's gone from a ketamine treatment thing to more of a relationship, my husband, my life, my lessons learned, that kind of thing, then it is just about ketamine. Um, oh, I I here's the other thing. Oh, I forgot. This is the second thing I wanted to tell you, besides that guy, meeting that guy. So my friend Um Heidi, who told me about the retreat. I talked to her for an hour. Uh, yes, not yesterday, the day before. And um, she's not in a good place after doing her ketamine. Um, I was like, what? What's going on? And I guess for her, it's probably been about three, four months now, maybe five, I don't know, something. And she said she's just not in a good place. And I had to give her a pep talk and tell her, you know, da-da-da-da-da. And uh I told her to block out some time for herself and to really reevaluate life. And I told her what I was thinking about doing and and this and that, and this and that. And so um she she's I think she's gonna be okay, but I just wanted to point that out too, you know, everybody's, you know, journeys is that's why they call them a journey. Everybody's is different, you know. And I think that that's a a huge issue in all of this, is that she's now thinking, I maybe I need to go back, maybe I need to do another retreat. And a lot of people say that, you know, they're gonna go back and they're gonna do another, you know, two or four ketamine treatments or whatever. Do they do that for life? Did they do it, you know, 26 times like that one guy? I I don't know. Maybe they do, you know, some other medicinal or drug or therapy, or I don't know. But it is a thought that even though I'm doing really well and I'm excited about my future and every day has its you know challenges and its struggles, no matter who you are or where you are, um, yeah, I'm in a good place. Well, last time before, you know, I talked to her a couple days ago, she was in a good place. So we go through ups and downs. Life has its challenges, and uh so wherever you are, whatever you're thinking about whether you're gonna do one of these or how how whatever you're getting from this, uh I hope that you make the right choices and decisions for yourself. And if you do make a bad decision, like I've made lots of bad decisions, that you give yourself grace and you just keep trying because that's all any of us can do. And I guess with that, I'm gonna go and I'll see if I do another one of these episodes coming up in you know, another month or weeks, or I don't know. I just kind of play it by ear. But take care. All right, bye bye.