Loss, Love & Motherhood

Welcome to Bite Hard - The podcast for the girls that feel everything deeply. 

Episode 2: Loss, Love & Motherhood

This episode is one of the most personal I've ever recorded.
We're talking about pregnancy, loss, motherhood, birth, and all the messy emotions that come with becoming a parent.

I share the story of my first pregnancy at 20, the experience that shaped the way I viewed my body, choice, and motherhood for years to come. We talk about grief, healing, and how some experiences can stay with you long after they're over.
I also take you back to the moment I found out I was pregnant with Penelope just eight months into my relationship with Jack, how we told our families, and why his reaction told me everything I needed to know about the kind of father he would become.

Then we're getting real about pregnancy. The nausea, the isolation, the vomiting, the fear, the parts no one seems to post about online, and why surviving pregnancy is sometimes more than enough. I share the birth story of Penelope, from induction to holding her in my arms for the first time, and the overwhelming emotions that followed. And finally, we talk about baby number two.

The heartbreak of thinking I was pregnant and finding out I wasn't, falling pregnant with Paxton, navigating Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), the physical and mental challenges of a second pregnancy, and the birth that completed our family.
This episode is for anyone who has experienced pregnancy, loss, motherhood, fertility struggles, birth trauma, overwhelming love, or simply wondered if they're the only one finding it all a little harder than Instagram makes it look.
Because motherhood is beautiful.

But it's also messy, exhausting, emotional, complicated, and life-changing.
And I think we should talk about all of it.
🤍

Topics discussed:
• Pregnancy loss & abortion
• Falling pregnant with Penelope
• Pregnancy anxiety & isolation
• Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)
• The birth of Penelope
• Paxton's pregnancy & birth story
• Motherhood & identity
• Relationships during pregnancy
• Lessons learned through loss, love & parenthood

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Instagram: @bitehardpodcast
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YouTube: @_courtneystubbs

Because life can bite hard sometimes... but you don't have to go through it alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Shot off tequila before I say this. Do you want this? Do you need this? Okay. I really wanted to be like that whole girl that did the killer shots really attractively, but I can only do it in public when I'm trying really hard. Today's episode is gonna be real. Like messy, cry and laugh, kind of real. We're talking heartbreak, love, motherhood, and all the messy moments in between. And stuff no one really shows on Instagram. The stuff that punches you in the gut before it hands you a baby or two. Let's get into it. Welcome to Vite Hard. Let's go back to 14-year-old Courtney. When I pictured my future, I always thought marriage, kids, etc. So what I'm about to go into was mentally so, so, so weird. I told myself it was gonna be all different. 14-year-old me was optimistic. In reality, it was not so fairy tale-like. I think the beginning is what shocked me. That being said, I'm overwhelmed with how lucky I am to have my now partner, Jack, and our two beautiful children. But that doesn't mean the journey to get there wasn't a fucking mission. Let's talk about my first pregnancy aged 20. Okay, this isn't easy to say out loud, but when I was 20, I fell pregnant. And I didn't exactly get a choice in the matter. Picture this. Living with my ex and his family, barely on speaking terms with my own parents, because the relationship was toxic. And then bam, pregnant. And the kicker, my ex, his parents, and even the clinic, paid for by him naturally, were all like, nope, not happening. So yeah, I had an abortion. And I don't want to sugarcoat it. It felt traumatic, confusing, like the rug had ripped from under me while I was still figuring out how to stand. For years, I tried to bury it, pretend it didn't happen. But then five years later, when I fell pregnant with Penelope, I kept reliving it. Hangs Hospital nurses. Every time that they asked, How many pregnancies have you had before? I felt this stab of grief, confusion. Looking back, it was probably for the best. That baby wouldn't have had a stable environment, a safe home, a dad who wanted to be there. And yet sometimes I catch myself imagining what life could have been like. It's haunting bittersweet, you know? First pregnancy taught me about boundaries, about ownership of my body, about the fact that my feelings and my choice and choices actually matter. It it punched me in the face to make sure I never forgot that lesson. I expand on this more in another episode. I will put it on the screen what episode that is. So, part two of this story is falling pregnant with Jack. And Jack, my partner in crime, my love, the guy who makes me laugh until my abs hurt. And also, it nearly gave me a heart attack when I got pregnant eight months into our relationship. Now, let me be real. If you think about the pull out method, if you think it works, spoiler, it doesn't. And yes, that's that's how this happened. But this time, everything was so different. Timing, person, heart alignment, all perfect. I remember the exact moment I found out. Six pregnancy tests in my bag, ordered from Uberese, because clearly one isn't enough to scare yourself. I was happy but shocked, you know, called Jack to come home from work and his reaction was pure shock. Wide-eyed, frozen, immediately asking me if I was okay. How I was feeling without inputting his own thoughts, bless him. So we drove to the doctor together, and somewhere between the stoplight and a bakery five minutes from our house, I remember this like picture in my brain. He finally said, I've always wanted to be a dad. Oh my gosh, I really hope you're pregnant. Keep me laughing, crying, hyperventilating, basically a full-blown action movie in a compact car. Telling our families was chaotic. My mum was excited in the sweetest old school way. You'll buy a house when, you know, marriage comes later. Just have your baby. Jack's mum shocked into silence because of a joke Jack had made on his podcast, and yet eventually everyone came around. The moment the relief, the joy was everything. And honestly, we didn't even bother filming it because it was too raw, it's too real. And we'd only been together eight months. Like, how do you tell, how do you tell people when you're an online couple that sounds a bit crazy? Pregnancy reality check. This is where I was humbled quickly. Let's now talk about the ugly side of pregnancy because social media lies every day. I've seen those insta-perfect moms walking around, glowing, effortlessly cute, clearly not sweating through nausea or HG, but mentally and physically I was fighting every day. Vomiting constantly, feeling like a zombie, questioning if I was even myself anymore. Some days I felt like I had been demoted to like a vessel for a human growing in me and my actual life totally paused. Isolation was the worst. We just moved to Sydney. My close friends weren't nearby, no family to pop over with, comfort, food, or moral support. Jack was amazing, checking on me, being patient, but even he couldn't feel my nausea or my exhaustion. How do you explain it to them? You know, that they will never experience this in their life. I was struggling with nausea so much that one time. I was eating, I think, McDonald's with my mum at the dining table, and I was craving McDonald's so bad. My mouth was like watering for it, waiting for the Uber Eats delivery to arrive. And it arrives. I'm smiling ear to ear, basically took one breath and the meal was demolished. Not even 30 seconds after I finished eating. I literally projectile vomited into the McDonald's bag. I was gutted. I couldn't eat Maccus again for months because of this. It's okay to admit that pregnancy sucks sometimes. It's okay to feel scared, lonely, overwhelmed. Your experience is valid. And if you feel like you're failing at pregnancy, surviving is enough. And I feel like not enough people say this online, but when I opened up and talked about my pregnancies, a lot of women turned around and they said to me that they were experiencing the exact same type of pregnancy, which was just mind-blowing to me because I thought everyone else had it perfect. So it was really nice to share that online and get that interaction with different people that I wasn't alone. And then labor. All well-induced labor. Because apparently my baby decided I'm just gonna reduce my movements over three days to wig out my mum. Not that I haven't been through enough. We go to the hospital and the doctors say we'd do the balloon catheter overnight to soften and dilate my cervix. So simple, right? Nope. I went in thinking after the contraction started, like, cool, light contractions tonight, maybe some rest, the baby tomorrow. That night I had like light contractions, and I thought, okay, this isn't so bad. I got this. What is everyone talking about? This pain's not even that bad. And then Q me totally underestimating what was coming. Next morning, 8 a.m., ready for Penelope's birthday, and suddenly waters breaks. My waters are broken, instant labor, full throttle. Gas didn't even help. I basically had a mini panic attack thinking, what have I signed up for? Then came the part everyone whispers about, but never tells you in full detail. Feeling like you need to poop while your baby is coming out. Yes, you heard me. I stumbled to the bathroom thinking, okay, maybe I can go to the toilet. A number two. The nurse is like, no way. And nope, that was the baby. Not poop, mid-labour, totally caught me off guard, surprising the nurses as well. My midwife hadn't even got there. It was crazy. Back in the room on all fours, mid-contractions, just trying to breathe and well, tell my body to cooperate. Jack freaking out to the nurses, hiding his true stress from me. Bless him. Like I had no idea. Me yelling, half laughing, half sobbing, and then 20 minutes later, bam, philope. Tiny, screaming, perfect human. I just, I just stared at her in disbelief. Like, I made this. This isn't mine. Oh my god. Jack was crying too. That oxytocin hit me like a tidal wave. It was surreal. It was magical. Everything I'd gone through, the nausea, the mental and physical exhaustion, the isolation collapsed in that one moment. Being induced made me realize how unpredictable birth is. You can plan, prep, do the breathing class, and your body still says, We're doing this my way. But the miracle was feeling her tiny body on my chest, looking into Jack's eyes, both of us crying, laughing, shaking, the chaos made it even more beautiful. And that moment, the this, the smell, the overwhelming relief, the love, it's cinematic, it's messy, it's magical, and it's ours. Even the first nine hours at home was surreal. I breathed in on my balcony air, looked at Jack and Penelope, and it literally smelled like peace. The air smelt sweeter. I was so exhausted, so overwhelmed, but so, so grateful. My body had done what at the time felt impossible. My baby was here. Our family was starting, and for the first time in months, I could breathe again. Feel so surreal to even think about this all again. So my second pregnancy was Paxton. Fast forward to December 2024. My period is late. Five out of six pregnancy tests, positive. I was ecstatic, planning, dreaming, moving houses in our heads. And then the doctor confirms the next day. Negative. Q heartbreak. Everything felt dashed. I was devastated, but this heartbreak led to clarity. Are we ready for another baby? Yes. Absolutely. Uh February rolls around. Pregnant again. And this time it was real. And this pregnancy, it was brutal. HG. Vomiting every single day. Feeling like my stomach had declared war on me, waking up in panic, exhausted, drained, questioning if I'd survived another 24 hours of nausea. Jack and I was just scared. This pregnancy tested every ounce of my patience, my stress, my strength, my resilience. Some days I'd lie in bed whispering to myself, you've got this. You can survive this too. Just make it through one more day. I honestly thought this pregnancy would be different. I convinced myself, I kept telling myself when I found out I was pregnant that this is gonna be easier. I deserve a smooth, happy pregnancy. But it wasn't. It was another tough one. Fear, it didn't let up. And yet, through all of it, I feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude because this little human is here, healthy and ours. I remember one time so clearly, it's like visually stained in my brain. Trauma. It was at our old apartment in Koji. It was really early in the pregnancy. Cue the nausea. I was so unwell. This nausea was like tenfold to what I experienced with my first pregnancy. I was defeated and had been throwing up all morning and was just lying in the shower on the floor. We didn't have a bath, contemplating my whole life. It was awful. Why was I laying down in the shower? I was just, I couldn't stand. I was just so overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it. And I also vowed to myself that the next house we went to had a bath, but I couldn't stop throwing up. So the safest place was near the toilet or in the shower. Ari, close to a drain. Holy crap. I hated this morning. I don't know if I'm just so tired or I've subconsciously tried to block this out, but I did have another birth. So I had two pregnancies and two births, and I'm obviously gonna tell you about Paxton. It was very different to Penelope. When I reflect on it, it makes me kind of sad in a way. It wasn't the same with the context of oh god, I hope my kids don't hear this. All my parents. They'll be so annoyed that I'm even saying this, but it's just the truth. With Penelope, when she came out, it was the most magical, beautiful experience. When she came out, we started crying. Everything just felt clear and perfect and magical. So when I had my pregnancy with Paxton, as hard as it was, even harder than the pregnancy with Penelope, I was like, at least when I have this baby, it's gonna be this amazing, magical feeling. I'm gonna feel grateful a week after and be on this high, and the air will taste sweeter again. But this wasn't the case. And the problem with having expectations is when they don't match your expectations, you get kind of fucking sad about it. So Paxton's birth from the very beginning. We live in Wollongong now, and we had Penelope in we, me. Jack did nothing. I pushed her out myself with his support. But Penelope came in like an hour and 45 minutes. Crazy. I got a little bit induced. I think I explained that earlier. And then my whole pregnancy with Paxton, they said to me, You're not gonna make it to the hospital. Something about me is I hate being told something like that, you're not gonna make it to the hospital. Like, bitch, I'm gonna fucking make it to the hospital, even if I have to physically hold this child inside of me. It is not coming out of anywhere until I'm in a hospital bed. I was right, thank you very much. And I woke up, kind of felt like I was in labor for about an hour. Penelope the night before had gastro and Jack had slept in her bed and kept him up all night. It was so scary because I couldn't be near them, I couldn't help them. And for the first hour of this early labor, I was just making sure this was it. I was like, okay, this kind of feels like it. I think I should wake Jack now. So I walk into Jack and I'm like, hey, I'm, you know, I think I'm in labor. And he's like, what? For how long? How long have you been in labor for? I'm like, um, I think for about an hour, but it's starting to hurt now. So I think we probably should go to Sydney. And he just was like, oh my god, okay, why didn't you tell me sooner? And anyways, we jump into the car, we make it to the hospital. The car ride wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected because everyone was in my head about being like, you're never gonna make it, but we got through, it was fine, it was doable. When we got to the hospital, I then was in labor for about eight hours. I think it was two hours at the end, intense labor. Me being really stubborn when I had Penelope, I did gas, but I was convinced it wasn't doing anything. So when I had Paxton, I was like, I'm a hundred percent not doing anything, and I'm not having gas, and I'm proving to myself that I'm right, and gas does nothing. And I proved myself right. Gas does nothing, it was no difference, and Paxton was a way longer birth, obviously, than Penelope. So if it made a difference, I probably would have felt it. I ended up having a water berth. My midwife suggested I try the bath. Did I like it? No, not really. I I like the feeling of being in a bath. I love having baths. But when I had Penelope, I was on all fours. I could move comfortably, but when you're put in a bath, you can't move as much. And naturally your body's in pain, you're trying to like lift and move, and you're not allowed to because the baby has to come out safely. So I literally had to keep my butt on the floor of the bath and I don't like being restricted. When he came out, and because it was such a long labor, then Penelope, he literally came out and I was like not even on planet earth. I looked at him, the midwife was like, you know, look, look at your baby. And I was just so zoned out. And yeah, I didn't really get that instant magical feeling that I got with Penelope. So then I felt a little gutted after it happening because I just did not feel like I was on planet Earth. I got back to the bed with Paxton, we're just chilling, no one's really saying anything, it all seems fine. And rush in, a couple of doctors, people start moving and talking and stressing, and I'm like, what's going on? And my midwife goes, Oh, nothing, don't worry. And I'm like, What's what's going on? Like, why are you all here? And yeah, she said within half an hour from birth, your placenta is supposed to come out. It's now been 45 minutes. And if it doesn't come out in what, the next five minutes, then we'll have to take you to the ER. So I immediately just started stressing. Without getting too far into it, it just obviously bummed the situation a little bit more. But the placenta came out and it was all good. A totally different experience, Paxton and Penelope. And when he came out, he actually still came out in the sack, which is so ironic because they said that is good luck. It's this Asian, it's like some tale that if your baby comes out in the sack, it's good luck. And then till now, he's seven months old. He's been a very difficult child. So I still find that funny that they said that because it's just been the complete opposite. Yes, he is healthy, but he's been very difficult. Oh, and he was covered in cheese. He you could barely even see him because he was just covered in clunk. Safe births, good births, but very different births. And let's go back to the episode as it was. I just had to include that because I listened to this episode, I overthought everything, and I was like, it has to include this. So here we are, different setting. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank God we are done with kids. At least now I can finally say our family feels complete. No more pregnancies, no more unknowns, no more hoping or worrying about what's next. Just us. And somehow, despite every struggle along the way, my heart feels full, heavy in the best way, and completely at peace with this chapter of our lives. Hard's all done. So I thought. Q baby with reflux. God help us. We'll be talking about this in another episode, properly. But just to give you an idea of it all, Paxton has really bad reflux. He was terrible at sleeping from the get-go. And as of recently, he's decided to get more terrible. We'll talk about it later in another episode. So this is for anyone going through pregnancy. And before we get into lessons, I just need to take a moment to speak to anyone listening who's pregnant, trying, grieving, or just feeling like pregnancy is the hardest thing you've ever done. Because it fucking is, you know? Because I get it, I really get it. Pregnancy is so often romanticized online. Everyone glowing, smiling, effortlessly living their best life. And meanwhile, you're puking in the bathroom, exhausted, crying over nothing, wondering if you're ever gonna feel like yourself again. It's hard and it's okay to admit it. You are not weak. You are not failing, you are surviving. Something incredibly difficult. Your body is doing insane, unbelievable work. Your feelings, anger, fear, sadness, joy, confusion, they're all valid. If you feel isolated, like no one understands, I see you. You are not alone. Even when it feels like everyone else is cruising through this, there are countless women feeling exactly what you're feeling. I felt that isolation with both pregnancies. I felt like no one could truly understand the nausea, the HD, the exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster. And then I realized sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to just be, to feel it all, and trust that it's temporary. Pregnancy is beautiful, yes, but it's also brutal and exhausting and messy and sometimes heartbreaking because it's not what you expected. And it doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad human. It makes you human, it makes you brave. And I hope if you're in that moment right now and this makes you feel seen because I see you. I see everything you're going through. I've felt it. It's fucking hard. And I want to reflect with you guys and close off this episode with looking at Penelope and Paxton now. I feel this overwhelming mix of relief. I survived. We survived. My family feels complete. No more pregnancies, no more unknowns, no more wishing or wondering what could happen, just us together. Learning to navigate this crazy, beautiful life, you're allowed to grieve the parts that aren't perfect and celebrate the moments that are. Every worry, every tear, every night spent questioning yourself. Somehow we find our way through it all. Here's what I've learned Life doesn't always start perfectly. Sometimes your story begins with chaos, heartbreak, or loss. That doesn't mean the ending won't be beautiful. Two, you know, love shows up in messy, unpredictable ways. It can be joyful, exhausting, terrifying, and tender all at once. And it's worth it. Another one would be your body and your choices are yours. You don't owe anyone an explanation. And your experiences are valid no matter what anyone else says. Pregnancy is hard, really hard, but surviving it in any way, somehow, it leads to a love and joy you didn't even know was possible. All right, my loves. That's it for today. Thanks for letting me be raw, vulnerable, messy, and maybe even a little ridiculous. If this episode resonated, share it, comment it, leave a review, let me know what you're thinking. Anything that helps us grow this community where we can all be honest about this hard stuff. Next episode, we're switching gears a little, we'll dive into friendship. Until then, be kind to yourself. Trust your journey. And remember, messy beginnings can lead to the most beautiful chapters. Episode two done.