NEW DADS: What Nobody Tells You

Episode 42: New Dads: What Nobody Tells You 

Andrew talks about what it really feels like to become a new dad: the panic, the bad advice, the lack of sleep, the sudden responsibility, and the strange realization that nobody actually knows what they’re doing at first.

A funny, honest look at early fatherhood, surviving the newborn stage, and learning how to be useful without pretending to have it all figured out.

The New Jersey Dad Podcast with Andrew Parise: navigating suburban fatherhood with a wink and a whiskey.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

She's growing a person. How the hell does that happen, by the way? Is anybody else do we not think about this? The gravity of the fact that women grow people inside of them? It's amazing, quite truly. After two martinis and a and a sexual interlude, you know, there's a baby. It's just it's wild. Hey, welcome to the New Jersey Dad podcast. I'm your host, Andrew. Welcome. If you're expecting the fatherless cheat cheat, no more. Hopefully that doesn't turn you off. Hopefully you stay. We're going to have more fun with this show. That was a great show, but I think it's time to just have some fun, have some laughs without some of the weight of that heavy, heavy topic. So we're going to switch things up and we're going to be a little more suburban dad focused, life stuff, marriage, children, all the stuff we talked about on the old podcast. Old podcast, it was 40 episodes in. But please check this out. And I hope you like it. Hope you enjoy it. Stick around. If you're new, you're going to get a pretty quick taste of me. And hopefully you'll like me. If not, you'll thumbs me down. Like, you know, the 15 other people every once in a while. The thumbs down, I I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to me. I guess that's someone's way of saying that I really suck, which is fine. Usually people tell me to my face or behind my back, but now there's a new way for people to tell me that I suck, which is interesting. But, anyways, today I'm talking to a very specific group. We're talking to new dads. New dads, expecting dads. Dads who maybe maybe they're in their first, I don't know, three to six months still. A year. You're fairly new dad at a year. You're still figuring shit out. And what I want to tell you guys, your life is going to change if it hasn't already. I'm just going to be honest about it. It's a great change, but it doesn't come without inconveniences and complications. If you want to hear about that, stick around for the New Jersey Dad podcast. Check it out. Hey, welcome back. Thanks for hanging out past the fantastic music. I love my music. I love my music. I love my art. I hope you like it. I think it's cool. I think it's fun. And that is the only picture that you'll see of my children in that art. And what a great, what a great shot that was. That was a rendering from an actual picture. When I found out, I found out I was going to be a father on July 13th, 2019. I was in a hotel in Santa Monica, California. I live in New Jersey. If you're just joining us and you don't know me, I am Andrew, and I'm in my shed in my backyard in New Jersey. I'm not making that shit up. When I found out about my firstborn, I was in a hotel with my wife. She was on a business trip. I had some business out there as well. And we were over the moon happy. So so goddamn happy. Took a while. It took a while. We were married, I think about three years before we my wife found out she was pregnant. We were not pregnant. She was pregnant. We were expecting, but we were not pregnant together. She was pregnant. That's all I'll say about my opinion on that phrase. And it was just one of the happiest moments of my entire life. I wasn't. I was never really that panicked about the whole thing. Because I've always I've always uh just kind of said fuck it. And felt like because my wife is who she is, I thought we'd just we'd just figure it out. And we haven't we did. But it's not always that simple. So you get into this thing, you find out your wife is pregnant, your your girlfriend, your partner, whatever the hell you call each other. And there are a lot of questions. And what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna dispel something very quickly for those of you expecting your first child. Shout out Nikki Stones, expecting his first child. Nikki Stones is a is a I consider him a friend of mine. And uh he's just a great guy. He's just he's an absolute gem of a guy, of a man, a good husband. He's gonna be a fantastic father. So I'm thinking about Nikki Stones in this episode because he's expecting his firstborn, I believe, in September. And I'll tell him about it. He's a great guy. His brother Joe's great too. But your life is gonna change. And to for me, it changed me for the better. It it pushed me to a point where some of the self-centeredness comes out, says a guy talking to a camera in a shed, some of the uh uh immature behavior. So if you could pull it together and sort of realize what's going on, but I'm not gonna lie to you, it's it's a lot. It's a lot. We're gonna go over all that stuff. Now, the first sort of the first phase of everything when you find out is is just the the sheer excitement, and you gotta keep this thing a secret. You gotta keep it under wrap. Some people don't. You do whatever the hell you want. It depends, honestly, it depends on on the preference of mom because at the end of the day, she's really she's running the show here. And don't don't ever don't ever get that mixed up. She's running the show. We are support staff, okay? We are support staff. We are the fifth lead on on NCIS Nevada. We are a guy that is there to help, to get coffees. We might as well be a PA on the set of NCIS Nevada, okay? And I say that lovingly. I don't say that like we're diminishing our role. We're gonna get there. Stick with me. But the first thing is gonna happen, you're gonna have all these goddamn appointments, and and you know, as things progress and everything you hope everything's good medically, and you hope, and you sit in that sterile room and your wife's legs up, and and you're like, Where hey doc, where do you want me to stand right now? Because I I just feel like I'm in the way. There's gels, there's putting gels on your wife or your girlfriend, whoever keep saying that. It's all very confusing. She she's just gonna be you know nervous to some degree, but boy, these these women, they they handle this. It's they're really they're really quite incredible. But their bodies go through, so your support staff, okay? You're getting the car, you're dealing so somewhat with doctors and this and that. And uh it's just you look back as I look back now, and let me let me clarify something. The reason I'm qualified to speak about this is because my oldest is just over six years old. So I've been a dad long enough to say I'm a dad, but I've also it wasn't that long ago, so I remember all of this stuff very clearly. Also, we had our firstborn during the height of COVID, like the world shut down the day after we got back from the hospital. But anyway, I digress. So all these appointments are gonna happen. You're gonna do that stuff, you're probably in the midst of that stuff as we're talking about this. Okay. And then are the showers, the showers, the unsolicited advice, says the guy on a podcast telling you about this stuff. But I'm not, I'm just giving you how it is. I'm not an expert, I'm just shooting the shit with you, and I want you to feel like this is a hang. We're at it, we're at the corner table in a bar, and I'm gonna tell you how it was for me. I'm gonna comment on some of the stuff and stick around if you like. Okay. The opinions, the unsolicited advice, the the you know, the naming process, all this stuff. All this stuff is very real. The funny thing about cliches and generalizations is that sometimes they're kind of true. Meaning the depictions of all the stuff in TV and movies and things like that, it kind of does go down like that to some degree. I remember having the conversations with my wife. She's laid on the couch, she's a her, you know, she's a petite woman, but her giant belly, she's growing a person. How the hell does that happen, by the way? Is anybody else, do we not think about this? The gravity of the fact that women grow people inside of them? Is that bizarre to anybody? It's amazing, quite truly. After two martinis and a and a sexual interlude, you know, there's a baby. It's just it's wild, okay? Then the showers come, the baby shower or whatever. And then the the funniest thing about the baby shower is that you march in there towards the end of the event, you put your suit jacket on or whatever the hell you're wearing, and you walk in and like you're you're the guy, there's proof of coitus in her belly, and it's just a little absurd and a little bizarre. Because we all know how the baby got there for the most part, larger part, and basically you're just the guy that's gonna carry the gifts out to the goddamn car. Again, support staff. You'll have your moment. You're gonna have your moment. You're gonna be daddy, you're gonna be the father, you're the guy. Just stick with it. Okay. We move forward. That's all said and done. Then one night, one night you're gonna get punched in the arm, and the bed's gonna be wet. This has happened with my second, and we go to the hospital at one in the morning. And and you just it's all very surreal. Very surreal. Keep your cool. Just keep your cool whatever you do. Now, listen to what I say, not what I do. We had a situation with my second, doctor came in, something happened. I almost passed out. Literally. So they went, nurses went from talking to my wife in the hospital bed to fanning me and giving me OJ and like holding my big ass up so I didn't hit the floor because I almost passed out with the news. Now I have two healthy children, thank God. But at the time it was a little touch and go for a moment. So do everything you can to keep your cool and don't lose your shit like I did. I don't know if you're queasy or not, but you're gonna see and hear, and certain things that you're not gonna want to see and hear. And, you know, they say a short memory, but you still remember the stuff. So you've been warned. But you have this, you it happens, it happens, it's a miracle. You get this baby out of there, and you have this baby, and it's like there's no fireworks or anything like that. It's just it is what it is. Uh, I always say to my wife, our firstborn, she was in labor for 10 hours, she was a killer, no medication, no nothing. And after the thing, like a like a Boa constrictor unhinging her jaw, she had two giant tuna sandwiches in the hospital bed. I was so impressed by this. And I was so entertained by the whole thing. And afterwards, I was the most tired I've ever been in my entire life. I didn't give birth, I didn't burst all the blood vessels in my face, she did. And I couldn't believe the the feat of physicality and excellence she performed getting this baby out, and because I was exhausted. And I would say this much it's a very, very surreal experience in the moment. Okay. Fast forward, you get the kid, you get the kid out of the hospital, you get the kid into the into the seat. Now, before you go to the hospital, they make you do this thing where the cop or whoever puts the seat in properly to the car. Nobody, nobody's checking your homework. You get they they throw this baby at you and then you leave. I mean, they because of COVID and stuff like that, we almost didn't even get fact-checked. You know, she whatever. They caught us because we started walking out. Is anybody gonna help us out of here? We we is we checking out of a hotel. So, anyway, they they got us and then we wound up doing it the right way. But you put the baby in the seat, you drive it home, it's you, you, it's the slowest you're ever gonna drive in your entire life. And it's it's almost absurd how slow and careful you're gonna be. On your second one, forget it. You're good to go. This is just we're talking about brand new dads here. But then you get home and you go, like, again, nobody knows what the fuck they're doing, so don't worry. Mom knows what she's doing, they just intrinsically, inherently know what they're doing. But we're just we're doing it, we're doing bad improv here. Like, I'm supposed to I'm supposed to take care of this kid forever. So it is a little surreal, but you have to try to have a sense of humor about it. And again, going back to support support staff. If you could feed that kid, if you can get mom a little bit of extra rest, some sleep, get her a coffee, be nice, just be fucking nice to her. Just be nice, make her a sandwich without her asking. Do yourself a favor. That's the stuff that goes far. Really, I'm being dead serious. Go out for a bag of Doritos and the and a pint of uh Jamoka Amond fudge. I'm I'm not kidding. The stuff goes very far. And you know, what you want to do, you don't want to forget that you're you're in a relationship with your wife, your partner, your girlfriend. You want you want to make sure that that remains, and and there are good memories of this very chaotic time period. Sleep is a real thing, sleep is so goddamn important. You're gonna be fucking tired. You're gonna be tired, but remain steadfast, have confidence, learn the way. I've got two oven mitts attached to my wrists. I didn't know what what a diaper was before this whole situation. You practice, you get better. It's gonna be fine. It's really gonna be fine. I we did one of those classes before, way before the baby was born. My first child was born. I never did a diaper in my life, and I didn't know what the hell I was doing. And then I was a whiz a couple months later. You're just gonna get better, and it's all gonna be it's all gonna be a little bit easier as you go forward because everything is reps. Everything is reps. The more you do it, the better you get. Now, the thing I have a little bit of beef with, and that's where I I come from a place of I never come from from a place of judgment. You wanna you want content that you're not gonna feel worse when you leave it? You come to me. You're not gonna feel worse. You're gonna have a smile, you're gonna laugh, you might feel better because I'm such a schmuck sometimes, and I'll tell you about it. Societal pressure, societal pressure. You're gonna have other people, other parents, older people, younger parents, this and that, social media, all that bullshit, experts and all that garbage. They're gonna fucking tell you how it's supposed to go, how it's supposed to be, how you're supposed to feel, and say, fuck you, you don't know anything about me. You don't know how I'm supposed to feel. As the example, you get on social media, it's nauseating some of the stuff, the dad stuff, so fucking precious. You know, there were times in both of my daughters, when they were very, very young, that I wasn't, I didn't feel bonded to them. It took a long time. You you might find that. It just took a very long time. They're so attached to mom, you're the secondary character, and it takes a while, and that's okay. Don't feel like it needs to feel a certain way. You just fucking do it, do what you're doing, and be as good of a person as a partner, as a husband, as a whatever the fuck as you are, and it'll work out and the bonding will happen. Now, if you don't plan on sticking around, I don't have any patience for you. You probably should turn the show off because presence is the most important thing. Now, there are different things that go on. There are there's co-parenting, if you're not with mom, whatever. I'm not saying anything, everybody's got their shit. But if you're gonna be around, be around. That's all I'm saying. And that's the most important thing. Your presence is the most important thing, and don't forget that shit. And any you can't fuck that up. I mean, don't be an asshole, you know. Don't you know, don't dial up your OnlyFans, whatever, when they're in the room and you're you're cursing and shit or whatever, smoking in the room. There are things that you just don't do, but so long as you're there, that's a start. So buy into that wholeheartedly, and you're the guy. That's great. Okay. And then tell all these the societal pressure of it all, take it all kick rocks. And that it's gonna happen forever. My my kids are six and four. And you know, people will always judge what you're doing and think about how you should be raising your kids and this and that. I'm lucky that my circle doesn't do that. At least I don't hear about it. I don't think I don't think they do. But my point is is that if you have people around you who are doing that, maybe you shouldn't have those people around you. Or if it's family that's a little more complicated, just just let it let it breeze past you like a shitty weird thought. That's all the identity challenge, sort of last but not least, the identity piece of all this. Holy shit, I'm a dad. That's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I've said this on the show in the past, and I'll say it, I'm sure, again. There is a reckoning, a reckoning to be had with that, but I think it's a good one. I think it's a good and great one. I think the faster you can digest that or buy into that, as I was saying on that last beat, the better off you're going to be. Meaning, especially if you plan on being around, which I hope you are, that's this is your job forever. And and it's a great, it's a great fucking job. It's a great job. It could be scary. I think the I think the scariest thing, I'll tell you what the scariest thing is. The scariest thing is, and although I'm uh naturally a worry at work, you will you will care about nothing as much as you care about your children for the rest of your life. There's nothing we'll even compare. Ever, ever. So you will worry about them, you will have crazy fucking thoughts constantly of worry, of, of situations, of I can't even get into what goes on between these years and these sideburns. It's insanity. But it all comes from a place of I just love them so desperately. And you're gonna feel that shit. And sometimes you sometimes you ought to put them through a wall. Sometimes I my my six-year-old the other day, she she sassed me so bad. I'm like, what do I get an attitude? What'd you just do? Lose out of a condo contract? What the hell is your problem? What what what you what are you 30 years old? What what is this? So you can't believe what comes out of their mouths sometimes. And the coolest part of all of this is as they do get a little bit older, you start to see them become human beings and have personalities and point of views and and humor and all this stuff that you can then participate in with them, and it's the absolute best. It's the best. And at the end of the day, I'm telling you right now, nobody knows what the fuck they're doing, but everybody's trying to do basically the same thing in different ways, in similar ways, and this or that. So take input with a grain of salt as the last 20 minutes or so, take it with a grain of salt. I'm just giving you my my purview, my perspective. But just be enthusiastic, love them hard, enjoy it. I remember my my older one when we brought her home, I had her, she was this big, like a sack of potatoes. She was just sitting on the top of my chest. And I said, just I said to myself, just enjoy this because it's this she's gonna be bigger in three days. And she was, and it's just it goes so goddamn fast. But anyways, so that was just a little bit for the new dads. I hope you got a smile and and took anything from that. You may not, you may think the musings of a crazy man and feel sorry for my children. I don't know. But I hope you do stick with the show, the NJ Dad Podcast. YouTube, subscribe, it always helps. Instagram, check me out on Instagram, say hello. I'll say hello back. I'm accessible, and let's try to grow the audience a little bit. And until next time, this was the NJ Dad Podcast. All right.