EP 4: WTF IS A FAVOURITE PERSON/FP

All about what a favourite person/fp is.

@BigBadKait on TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We Really Be Out Here Doe Podcast would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today. The Darug people of Darug Country. I pay my respects to elders past, present and emerging. Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. Hello, welcome back to We Really Be Out Here Doe Podcast. I'm your host Kate. This week's episode is all about favourite person slash FP, which is a borderline personality disorder slash autism term. Um before I dive into that topic, I'd like to go over how my last week has been. A little recap, if you will. This last week was Nadoc Week, which is like Black Christmas basically for Aboriginal Mob. I'm a proud NO1 woman, so I fucking love Nadok Week. Um there was heaps of festivals around, you know, that had, you know, smoking ceremonies and the dancing and all of that, which I fucking love, and um, you know, all of the artworks and thing on and things on display, and um yeah, so that was amazing. Um and yeah, I just had the week with my babies. Um, no work this week because um my support worker was off with her um her grandfather um who was passing away unfortunately. Um, but yeah, me and my babies had a ball together. Um and emotionally, oh my god, it I went through a goddamn roller coaster of emotions this last week, I'm telling you, like I was bawling my eyes out um for the start of it, and then by the end of it, it was like the complete opposite end of the spectrum, feeling like I'm shooting into the cloud. Um yeah, it's started off bad and then it went really, really fucking good. So your girl's happy, and um I'm trying not to say breads because I realize I've been saying it so much in the other episodes. It might slip slip out every every now and then though, so you're gonna have to forgive me. Um, but yeah, so um yeah, it's been a great week. Um, there's a few new songs that I've been listening to and repeat as well that have been really amazing to listen to. Um one was a Madonna song and it was called um uh t Testify Your Love, I think it's called. Uh no, Justify Your Love. Oh my lord. I don't know how I never heard that song before. Um, if you watch the music video to that song, it's gonna change your life. If you're straight, prepare to be turned gay. Um, and by gay I mean lesbian. Um, yeah, that song changed my life, and um yeah, just been like playing Cardi B um a lot. Love that bitch. Um there's been a few others, but I I can't um think of them off the top of my head, but yeah, it's been really good. Um all right, let's dive into this week's topic, which is um favorite person slash FP. So what is a favorite person? People who have borderline personality disorder or slash and autism can experience having this. Um also autism and BPD are so closely intertwined. Sometimes one person is diagnosed as autistic and they're actually borderline personality disorder, and vice versa. Um, there's only a few minor differences between the two. So um that's something to keep in mind as well. But um, yeah, so having a favorite person basically means that um you have someone that you talk to every day, for example, um, or someone that you usually it's like a best friend or someone you're in a relationship with, and if they also have you as their favorite person, it is like soulmate energy, twin flame energy, ride or die, bonnie and clyde type shit. It's like the best thing you could ever experience. Um, yeah, it's when basically you uh have that person's back no matter what, they can do no wrong in your eyes, even if they're doing something wrong, you're like, I got you type of thing. Um you you see them with rose-colored glasses basically, and you feel very comfortable around them, and um, but they also, even though there's a lot of positive there, um, it can also have negative side effects. So um, your favorite person usually has a huge effect on your moods, um, on how your day goes, on how celebrations go. Um, your world kind of revolves around them a bit, and um I have experienced it in a friendship way, like with my best friend Caitlin. Definitely, she's a favorite person of mine for sure. Um, but I would have to say, like, uh I don't get dysregulated if I don't hear from her um as much. It's more whoever I'm in a relationship with where it can affect me, if I'm being honest. Um, and yeah, and I've definitely experienced it with um relationships and things like that. Um but yeah, like I think um the key is finding someone who matches your freak. That's the key uh to happiness, Breds. Oh there we go with the breads. Um, yeah, so basically, um when when you have a favorite person, they're one of your main priorities as well. And um, and yeah, you just basically um you know, if you know that they want something, you would literally go to the ends of the earth to get that thing for that person type of thing. Do you know what I mean? Like you want to show up for them, the effort is there. Um, and yeah, obviously everyone has different love languages, so you know, what one person might really love, like example, gift giving, and if the other person doesn't like gift giving, you know, that's not gonna link up or whatever, but yeah, like obviously um you want to try and um love people in the way that they like to feel loved, if you know what I mean. Um, okay, so um how having a favorite person can, I guess, cross over into unhealthy territory and then change from being um classed as a favorite person into a thing called limerence, which is also something common for people with borderline personality disorder and for um people with uh autism or who are autistic. Um and limerence is where you have an obsession with a person and it's not reciprocated. Um and it's common in power dynamic relationships, so it can be, you know, uni students um having a massive crush on their teacher, or it could be um, you know, um uh like a work colleague type of thing, having a crush on their boss type of thing. The thing with limerants too is it's not always sexual, sometimes it's just like a really deep, deep respect slash obsession. But um, yeah, the the problem with limerance is that usually the other person isn't even aware that it's happening and it can cross into uh stalking, harassment, um you know, creepy things like that. And so I think it's very important to check yourself and be like, you know, is this person replying to my messages? Is this relationship reciprocal? Um, have has this person ever contacted me before? If if the answer is no, um then if you're being like there's and also there's a big difference between consistency, that's a green flag, and persistency. That is a red flag, guys. I and um you don't ever want to be the persistent person, that's the person who you open the messages, hi, hello, hey, what are you doing? Hi, and getting no response, and they're being persistent, you don't want to be that guy. Um, so yeah, like consistency is like checking in on someone every day and having a strong bond with someone and building something real and whatever. Um, but yeah, so I've definitely been on both sides of the coin as in like I have had people view me as a favorite person where I haven't had them as my favorite person, and the way it feels is like for example, if I like someone, you know, or even if I'm attracted to someone, but I realize that that person has me as a favorite person, and I just don't feel that same way about them, it feels very intense, it creates a lot of pressure, and it actually pushes me away from the person because I'm like, wow, like you know, um, I don't have the energy to put in what they're putting in, and now I'm feel like I feel like I'm disappointing that person and um or hurting that person and I and I'm not even I haven't signed up for this type of thing. Do you know what I mean? Um and you know, which is like awful like for the other person also to not feel like they're getting the same back, um, which I feel like does come down to consent once again. Um, you know, seeing if you're on the same page with the person um as well. And that's why I think check-ins are like so important, like, you know, just being like, hey, like, is is it okay? Like, for example, like me and my best friend Caitlin, right? We've been best friends for two years. We we call each other when we need each other, we we text all day, every day. Sometimes we will go all day though and not hear from each other, and that's fine. Um, but we do check in with each other, like you know, are you able to hold space for me at the moment? Um, do you mind if I talk about this? Blah blah blah. And we're always checking in and we're always on the same page, it's always consensual, you know what I mean? But yeah, sometimes people come in like real hot and heavy, and it's not exactly reciprocated or met in the same way, and yeah, and then and that's when it can be disappointing for for the other party, you know what I mean? Um, so that's also something to keep in mind, and and then I've also been the person on the other end of um limerence where I ha I literally have not given someone any inkling um that I am interested in a relationship or even a friendship with them, and I'm getting persistent messages, and um and then even you know, like when I'm not replying, them escalating the messages, like, oh you're you're not replying, like you know, getting angry and things like that, and it's almost like they're just expecting that um uh they're owed your time, and um it can get scary, it can get really scary. Like I've heard stories about people who have um you know had limerence with someone, and you know, they they start driving past their work and they start driving past their house, and like you know, yeah, it's just like stalking behavior basically, and um, yeah, it's not cool and it's not okay, and a lot of people get it over celebrities as well. And yeah, I think I think it's very important to to ask yourself, like, is this reciprocal, is this consensual, and things like that. Um also um at the same time, I think it's also important, like if you have a favorite person, um, to like it, you know, as as beautiful as it is to have a favorite person, just making sure that you're still doing all of all of the things that make you you, you know what I mean? Like keep up with your hobbies and keep up with your self-care and do the things that make you happy, and you know what I mean? Like, your whole world doesn't have to revolve around this person. You you can still have um a beautiful life uh doing the things that you love as well, you know what I mean? And like, for example, where one of the first times that I went to see my therapist many years ago, um, I I picked her because she had her masters in a lot of different areas of psychology, so I was like, okay, this bitch knows her shit. Um, and I said to her, I'm very interested to know how do you have a healthy relationship? Because I want to have one, and I no one's ever taught me like this is what a healthy relationship is, you know what I mean? I want to know what it is, and she said, a healthy relationship is where you have your life, like you've got like say your job, your hobbies, your friends, whatever, and you're with them, and then you go to with your partner, and um you know, and then you share those experiences with your partner and you share time together, and then you go back into your world, and then you go back into their world, and vice versa, type of thing, you know what I mean? And that blew my fucking mind. I was like, what like I thought healthy was being like codependent on each other, you know what I mean? And it's not that at all. Um, and yeah, so on top of that, um uh what I'll what I what you can also do besides obviously maintaining your life um is little things like um DBT therapy as well, um, which anyone who has um BPD um or even people with autism uh uh sorry, people who are autistic, I feel it's essential um really for your well-being to do DBT therapy. Um you can there's different ways you can do DBT therapy. You can get a therapist who specializes in DBT, um you can literally download the workbook and um work at your own pace at home. If you're like an intense bitch and you just want to like get it done, you can literally go check yourself into a Slidewood and they um will literally like sign you in and get you to do the therapy sessions under their watch type of thing for a few days in a row. I've never done that, but I have heard about it, and I mean if you've got the time and you don't mind being, you know, signing your rights away, I mean why not? Um also one of the things that I have learned is that people with borderline personality disorder, um, if you do like intensive DBT therapy for years, you can actually get rid of um borderline personality disorder. It's actually curable, um, but it's a lot of a lot of work. Um and obviously like not just learning DBT therapy but putting it into practice. Um so yeah, there's that. Um I think it takes like up to like seven years or something like that, um, is what I heard. Um, but obviously if you're autistic, you're autistic for life. Um, yeah, so but yeah, they present the same way in a lot of ways, but um, borderline personality disorder you get from having childhood trauma and um autism is a you know neurological neuro neurological difference in the brain. The brain just works differently to neurotypical people. Um but yeah, so um things that I find help emotionally regulate myself, um like especially if, say, for example, like I have a favorite person and let's just say they've gone off the grid for 30 hours, and let's just say hypothetically this person used to be an addict, so I'm freaking out thinking something's happened to them, right? The way that I emotionally regulate myself during things like that, um the strategies that I use are things like um guided um anchoring meditations, um, anchoring to the senses, um you know, if I can be out in nature as much as I can, that helps me as well. Like just getting like fresh air. Um, you know, if if I'm able to, getting to the beach is like the number one thing that regulates me. But unfortunately, the beach is very far away for me. But that is the number one thing that regulates me, just putting my feet in the sand and looking at the waves is actually stimming. Stimming actually helps emotionally regulate a lot. So, like even like sitting in a rocking chair um can help. Sometimes going for a drive can help. Um yeah, like sitting and watching waves, listening to a favorite song on repeat, that's all stimming behavior, and that all helps with emotional regulation. So um yeah, uh stimming, um, guided meditations, deep breathing, you know, you can do like the box method, where you know, like you four four counts of um breathing in, and then you know, you can do like eight counts breathing out or six counts breathing out, and you do it four times or whatever, you know, however many times feels comfortable for you. Um yeah, there's also like um deep breathing apps and things you can get if you need extra help with that kind of a thing. Um brown noise can help as well. Like I love listening to brown noise sometimes and just like you know, closing the the blinds and just getting in bed with like a blanket on and stuff, like that chills me the fuck out. It really does. Um, but yeah, they're all like little strategies. Um but yeah, highly recommend like the the DBT um therapy. Uh having a favorite person or having limerence can also trigger abandonment wounds. So, like if when you were a little kid, if you ever had like a parent um go away or um pass away or you know anything like that where you thought like you might lose them, you probably have abandonment wounds, and yeah, so then like if you're not hearing from your favorite person for whatever reason, say you guys get in a fight or whatever, that can be really emotionally dysregulating and trigger abandonment wounds, and um yeah, that that can look like you know, just you know, crying and um having a meltdown or having a panic attack or um you know, yeah, like nothing fun. So again, like it's it's so much harder to regulate yourself when you're a 10 out of 10. It's much easier if you catch yourself when you're like a seven out of ten. So like checking in with yourself throughout the day, like how am I feeling? How anxious am I out of 10? Once you get to a seven, you want to start doing strategies to start bringing it down so that you're not in the 10 out of 10 where it's like oh the brain is now offline type of thing and you can't reach logic anymore. Um, yeah, you don't want to get to that point. Anyway, I hope that's been um helpful. I thought it would be interesting to listen to because um I have experienced having a favorite person, losing a favorite person, the grief of that, and then getting another favorite person, I feel like in the span of like a week. So it's been absolutely fucking crazy. And when when you like lose a favorite person, oh my god, it feels like your heart is just like being been stomped on. Some people say it feels like they've been lit on fire. Um so yeah, like I mean, I didn't feel like that, but yeah, some people do experience that and it's very real, and um, yeah, it's it's not. It's not easy on the heart. My heart definitely feels a bit bruised, even though I vended on like a high this this week. Um, it's still kind of recovering, I guess you could say. Um, but yeah, so that's basically um everything that I have learned, I guess you could say, about um border, uh what's it called? Uh having a favorite person. Um, the other thing I'd like to mention as well is EDMR therapy. Um, EDMR therapy is something you need to go to a psychologist who specializes in EDMR therapy to do the sessions with them. And it's basically every single traumatic event in your life, um, each session would be a different traumatic event. So some people would probably have to do this for years and years to get through all of the events, but um, especially if you have one that causes you a lot of triggers um for meltdowns and things like that, um, it's it's healthy to get that sort of and basically what happens in a session is you sit down with the psychologist and you get in almost like a hypnosis type of a state with them. They're sitting very close to you and they start like you know, they they have like their their hand kind of waving back and forth in front of your eyes, and um, you know, they do counting and things like that, so then you're in like a deep medit meditative state, and you're almost hypnotized, and then you really talk through the entire traumatic event from start to finish in great detail, as much detail as you can remember. It's very emotionally draining, but then while you're in it, the psychologist helps you um heal through that event by doing things like giving yourself a hug, telling you what you needed to hear in that moment, um you know, and processing all of that. So it's very, very healing, it's very emotional. Um, but after you do a session, it changes, it really, really changes you neurologically. Like, I can't even tell you. Um, and yeah, so it's definitely worth it if you can find someone who specializes in it. Um, I've been lucky enough to be able to do some EDMR sessions. I've definitely haven't done them on every single traumatic event in my life. I feel like I'm I'm gonna be there for years getting through all of them. But um, I mean it's a great start, and um, and yeah, it's it's just about not letting those things take control of your life anymore, and um taking ownership of your reactions to things, you know what I mean? It's you know, it it gets to a certain point where you're a certain age and it's like yeah, like some people might go, well, this is just how I am. I think there's so much strength in admitting like this is something that you like this is my behavior, and I'm gonna own it, and I'm gonna be the responsible person to um get this under control for my loved ones, you know what I mean? Especially for your you know, your favorite person and like your family and and all of that. Family members can be favorite people too. Um, but yeah, so um I think that if um everyone did that, the world would be uh a much nicer place. Um, really. Like just imagine. There'd be a lot of people staying out of um prison and things like that if um if they had access and knew about EDMR therapy for sure. Um because yeah, you can't stop bad things from happening, but you can um you can do things, you can take steps to heal after things like that happen. And I do feel like it's your responsibility um to look after your own crap, you know what I mean? Um it's not always fair the things that happen to us, but yeah, like at the end of the day, if um if the fallout from traumatic events affects people around you, it's important to um get that sorted and and look at that, you know what I mean? Take accountability. Anyway, I hope that's been helpful. It's been really fun getting all of this information out there, it's been swirling around in my mind for a while now. Um definitely let me know if there's anything in particular you guys want to hear about. Um, there's a few people I've been talking about um coming on the pod to do episodes with. Um so yeah, you may um hear from from some of those people soon. But um, yeah, as always, if you like this episode, send me a DM, let me know what you think. I'm Big Bad Kate on TikTok. You can find me on Pink Ladies Tattoo on Instagram. Um, and if you want to leave me a five star review on um Spotify or Apple, I would really appreciate that as well. Alright, I hope you all have a great week. Um, and yeah, I'll see you next Friday.