EP 5: CONSENT IS SEXY/CONSENT 101

TW: SA

This is an IMPORTANT ONE.

Let's all get on the same page.

@BigBadKait on TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We really be out here do podcasts would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we gather today. The Darug people of Darug Country. I pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging. Always was, always will be, Aboriginal land. Yo, welcome back to We Really Be Out Here Doe Podcast. I'm your host, Kate, and this week's episode is all about consent. Um I'm gonna do a trigger warning on this episode. It does have examples of SA and which is smexual or salt, if you will. So if that is a trigger for you, I won't be mad if you skip this episode. Um is understandable. But um I do think this is an episode that people who even think that they understand consent will learn probably a few new things from. Um yeah, I think this is a topic that everyone should be on the same page about, so it is an important one. But before we dive in, um, I'll just go over how my last week has been as per usual. Um, so this last week it was my little gang gang's birthday. Um he said that he wanted all rainbow helium balloons, um, and he wanted this goo goo gaga doll, and he wanted to go to the movies. So I got the balloons sorted. When he woke up, they were all in the lounge room. I had his presents on the on the couch, and um he was like, You you bought this for me? Like the way he said it was so cute. Um, but yeah, when we went to the movies, we saw the minions, and he looked so freaking cute in his little recliner chair with his popcorn and his apple chick. It was so cute. Um, but yeah, so that was really enjoyable. He got to pick his president as well. Um I got the Goo Goo Gaga doll thing for him, it hasn't arrived yet, but it's coming, it's on its way. So that was a success. Um, other than that, I've been um really enjoying my time, um, you know, getting to know my uh person of interest, if you will. Um, yeah, it's just so nice when you're like in that stage where you're like getting to know each other, and especially when it's like things that are important to you and you're like asking questions and you're like, So do you like this? Do you like that? And it's like, oh yeah, I love that. It's like, oh thank fucking god. I don't know, it's the best feeling ever, but um there's been low points as well this week. I'm not gonna lie, there's been um a bit of drama here and there, um, but nothing I can't handle, so um, yeah, it it hasn't been too bad. At the end of the day, um, I don't want drama in my life, and um yeah, people can think whatever they want about me or say whatever they want about me. Um, I know who I am and I know who I'm not, so it's water off a duck's back, really. Like, but yeah, some songs that have been getting me through this week. Um, I still have Tennessee whiskey on. Fuck, I love that song so much. Um, Tomorrow by Cardi B, Studelicious by Zucki, um, is one that I've been having on repeat as well. Uh, Janice Joplin Turtle Blues um is another one that I've been enjoying. Um, I know there's a few others, but they're like the main ones I've been having on repeat. But yeah, music just does something for me. It's my way of um chilling out and regulating and enjoying myself. But yeah, okay, let's jump into this week's episode topic. Okay, consent. Um, I didn't want to have to make this podcast episode, but what I'm starting to realize is that it's not just single men that are predators, uh, it's um it's also women, which I'm so um shocked about, I guess. Like I and the more people I'm talking to, the more I'm hearing about women who also don't understand consent. This is something that needs to be understood across the board. Um, it's the bare minimum in my eyes, to be honest. Um, it if we can all learn about this, God, I would be so fucking proud and happy of everyone. Um, all right, so let's let's jump into it. What is consent? Consent is an enthusiastic yes, so it's it's not just like a timid yes or like an unsure yes or whatever, it's like they really want to do the thing that you're asking, you know what I mean? Um, without a shadow of a doubt, it's informed and it's ongoing. So that means you you you're checking in. Um so I'll give you some examples. If you're on a first date with someone and it reaches the end of the date, you would say to that person, can I kiss you if you wanted to give them a kiss, for example. Or is it okay if I kiss you? Or you know, asking permission if it's okay, not just diving in their type of thing. Disney movies has focused on the physical signs, I guess, like reading into signs of whether someone wants to or not, but you you can't rely on on that because a prime example of why you can't rely on body language alone for consent, is I, for example, have an involuntary body reaction to like when I'm nervous, I will smile involuntarily, I will laugh involuntarily. Um, the Joker does this as well. So if if you've seen Joaquin Phoenix in his Joker movie, you know, he's got that card that says I involuntarily laugh and he hands it to people and whatever and he's laughing and they end up beating him up. Um, I do the exact same thing, except I do it when I'm nervous or um if I'm in an argument, things like that. So boy oh boy, did that get me in trouble growing up um in schools and things like that. Uh the teachers thought I was being a smart ass. It's definitely um gotten me in trouble in relationships too. Like I've literally had people want to kick my head in um for smiling during serious moments and things like that, um, which is not fun because I literally have zero power over that. Um, it just happens. Um, and you don't know what people have, like if they have involuntary movements as well, which is why you have to rely on verbal consent. Um, legally as well. Uh, you need to rely on on verbal consent. Asking, like, can I kiss you? If they say yeah, like they really want to do it or whatever, then you can kiss them. That doesn't then give you a tick of approval for a kiss at any given time moving forward. It's not a one-time yes. Um, you need to next time you want to kiss, ask permission again. Um, you know, if you're gonna change and do something else, like, you know, is this okay? Does that feel good? You know, um, do you like that? You know, whatever, like checking in regularly, um you know, is also important type of thing because otherwise you're assuming that what you're doing is okay, and it may not be. You may be doing something that puts someone into a complete freeze. Um, when someone is scared or terrified, or they've got PTSD, or you know, anything like that, there's three things they can do: they could go into fight mode, flight mode, or freeze. And a lot of people freeze, and that means they can't speak, and that means their body is just frozen. So this is why again it's so important to ask the questions because if they're not replying, they're probably in freeze mode. If if you're asking them, is this okay, and they're going, yeah, that's that's not convincing, that's not a convincing yes, that would mean that you'd stop immediately. You know what I mean? Um, it means they're uncomfortable. That's what I mean by you need an enthusiastic yes. Um another thing that can help with consent is like for example, say you're talking with a girl and you're gonna go on a date with her, or you like her, you both like each other, having a conversation with them about the bedroom things, you know what I mean, and just saying, so is there any things that you like, or is there any things that are that you really don't like or whatever, and just being open and honest with each other, of things that are like hard nose, you know, maybe want to try type of things, and and yeses, but even if even if they say yes, I like this, that doesn't then mean that when you're in person you can do all of those things without asking first. You still ask. That's just the kind of thing to do, and I know people might say, Oh, but it kills the mood going, you know, or like does that feel good, or like whatever? No, it doesn't, it's sexy, you you know, like consent is sexy, making sure you're both on the same page is sexy, it makes you feel safe, it makes you feel like you're you're in the hands of someone who respects you, um, who respects your boundaries, and um and yeah, that's the other thing, like working out what your boundaries are as well. Sometimes your body will tell you uh there's this book called The Body Keeps School, and it's just so true. Um you know, uh sexual assault is extremely common. I think it's something like nine in ten women experience sexual assault or something like that at some point in their life, it's it's a insanely high statistic. And it doesn't matter if it's one time, it doesn't matter if it's a hundred times, a thousand times, the body keeps score. Um, it it can affect your pelvic floor. Um, I was told that like if you've ever been sexually assaulted, your downstairs area can basically try to protect itself by like making itself into like a fist um like that's clenched 24-7. And when that happens, because it's clenching so hard all the time and it's not relaxed because it's trying to protect itself, it can start leaking um because it gets tired from tensing, and you have to like literally do things to make it relax, like putting, for example, like a heat pack on it for five minutes, doing stretches to try and like make it relax and things like that. It literally can take years to undo trauma from a sexual assault. Um, and that's horrifying for women. That is literally horrifying, especially because usually when women go and um try and get help for things like that, um, they're told instead, do k do kegels, do kegels. It's like they they're thinking, oh, it must be like a tightness thing is the problem type of thing, and it's like no no no, it's because we're literally trying to protect ourselves 24-7. How fucked up is that? That is fucked up. Um, but yeah, so so that's why it's like you know, there could be things that are deeply traumatic to someone you don't know what people have gone through in their lives, so yeah, having the conversations about what's okay and what's not okay, so that you know the things that are completely off the table, and then respecting those boundaries and never pushing those boundaries. Um the other thing is um, like after you have the conversation and you know, you know the the things that they won't do and things like that. Um also knowing that even if you say yes to something in the moment, if you start feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason, say you're getting in your head too much, you just you're not vibing anymore, like you're not feeling it, whatever it is, you can you can change your mind, like you have permission to change your mind. If you're making out with someone or whatever, and you're like, I'm not feeling this anymore, you can say no, like I'm not feeling it, or I'm gonna stop, or whatever. And if the other person says that to you, or whatever, you stop immediately. You respect that boundary, you don't sulk about it. Um, you yeah, you just okay, that's it, moving on. You know what I mean? It shouldn't be an issue, it should be a non-issue, it should just be respected and vice versa. Um, also, uh, if you're on a date with someone and/or whatever, if it's your partner, whatever, and they're drinking alcohol, or let's just say they're doing drugs or something like that. Um, consent then is not really something you're able to give, um, because you're not in your right state of mind. Um, you could kind of have a conversation beforehand that says, like, look, like if if we both get drunk tonight, um, you know, like what am I okay with? What I am I not okay with? And again, if you start doing the things that you say you're okay with and you change your mind saying no and having that respected, um, you know, people can say when they drink, oh, you know, you lose your inhibitions, and like, you know, oh, like if if something feels good, like I don't want to stop, and whatever. If you don't stop because something feels good, you are a sexual predator. I don't care if you're a woman, I don't care if you're a man, that's disgusting behavior. Don't be that person. Um if you're in a long-term relationship with someone as well, there still needs to be consent. It is not like, oh, I'm this this girl is my girlfriend now, or you know, this person's my wife. Now I have free access to whatever I want physically at any time. It doesn't work like that. Consent is ongoing even in marriages, even in relationships, forever. Like, yeah, it's not, oh, sign this paper, and now you're my bloody sex doll for life. Um, and that is what's so freaking horrifying about that is that a lot of guys think that's what's happening when they marry a girl. That it's like, okay, now you have to fulfill my every sexual desire ongoing, and if you don't fulfill that, um, I can go and cheat on you. It's like, or I can make you feel guilty or whatever. If if someone's not on the same page as you physically, like sexually, or whatever, and you're feeling like you need to go and cheat to get it out of your system, like the relationship needs to end, and um then you can go and explore your options or whatever, but anyway, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna judge on that. People people have their own lives or whatever, but I'm just saying, like, um, anyway, this episode's not about cheating, but um, yeah, like even if you're with someone for 10 years or whatever, you you still gotta check in. Um, even things like going up and like you know, grabbing someone's ass or whatever, like while they're washing the dishes or whatever, you might think that's you know, that's nothing or whatever, or even like getting a hug. I will always say, Can I have a hug? You know, things like that. Like you should be asking, like, oh, you know, I want to grab your bum. Can I grab your bum? Like, whatever. The person might usually say yes and be like, no, I'm too stressed out right now. You know what I mean? Like, so yeah, it's just so important to have the ongoing um conversation with with the person that you love, hello, or even like, um, or whatever, you know, even if it's a one-night stand. Um, yeah, so respecting boundaries is so important. If one person is drunk and the other person is sober, that is not okay. That is um, yeah, even if the drunk person is saying yes, if you're sober, like forget it. It's not it's not gonna happen. And if the person is obviously passing out, vomiting, things like that. I know I shouldn't even have to say this. It's sad that I do have to say this. If the person is so drunk that they're incoherent, falling around, vomiting, passing out, falling asleep, that is a no, period. No, no, no. Don't even try. Um okay, this or now I'm gonna talk about coercive control because um this is now actually punishable by law, um, which I'm actually happy about because um it's unbelievable that people even do this, to be honest. Um, but if someone says, like, for example, let's just say you say to your partner, you know, do you want to have sex in how whatever words you want to say, let I'm just speaking, I guess you could say clinically. Do you want to have sex? No, I'm too tired, no, I've got a headache, rah-rah, rah. Whatever reason they they say, that should be the end of the conversation. If after you hear that, you're like, oh, but I really want to, or um, you know, uh come on, it's been like a week, or you know, um, oh, I can't believe it. Like, really, you said no again, or like whatever. Anything like that where you're guilt tripping the person, or you're making that person feel pressured to say yes, you're making that person feel uncomfortable for saying no, and things like that, that is called coercive control. That is now punishable by law. Um, so it's not just wrong, it's illegal. Um, so yeah, you you don't sulk, you don't guilt trip, you don't pressure. Um, and also how horrible. Like, why would you want the person that you're in in love with or in a relationship with or like? Why would you want that person to feel like, oh shit, they're not happy. Um, oh now I'm gonna have to have sex even when I don't want to. When you have sex and you don't want to have sex, you're you're in your head, your body is tensing, it doesn't feel good, it hurts. Why would you want to have sex with someone when it hurts? And people who have that as like a kink or whatever, like watching the person cry or watching the person in pain or whatever, go and get help, please. Go and get help. There's something fucking wrong with you. Uh I don't care if that's kink shaming, that's fucking wrong and disgusting and perverted. Um, but yeah, so and that's also like porn uh porn culture, I guess you could say. Um, but yeah, like I know that obviously there's things you can do, and if both of you agree, and it's like, yeah, like whatever. I like X, Y, and Z. I like it a bit like this. I don't even want to say this. But look, okay, here's an example. Some people like to um, you know I don't even want to say yes. Alright, I'm just gonna say it, alright? It's very common these days to for people to like it a bit rough, and that's all good and well as long as you're both on the same page. That's all I'm gonna say on that matter, okay? Um, you can do whatever the hell you want as long as you're on the same page. Um, and you're getting an enthusiastic yes and whatnot. Yeah. So um, yeah, to to basically recap, um consent is an enthusiastic ongoing yes, it's not the absence of a no, you don't take body language as um a sign that someone wants to do something, it has to be the verbal yes. Um oh, and also people who get people to write things on a paper, like if someone says to you at the start of a night, oh, I need you to sign this thing that says that you give me permission to have sex, you still don't understand what consent is because that's not ongoing. What happens if you sign the yes and then the person starts doing freaky shit or just normal shit and you're not feeling it, and you say no, and they go, Oh, but you signed the paper now. That you know, that means I'm owed this. Like, that's fucking creepy as fuck. Um, so yeah, that if I if anyone ever came near me with a paper like that, they would be getting their fucking lights punched out. Um, but yeah, so um, yeah, asking permission before you do things, checking in, does this feel good? Is this okay? Like, are you alright type of thing? Having a conversation beforehand. Um, consent is not a one-time thing. You can change your mind, not reading body um language, alcohol and drugs can change what can change being able to give consent, having a talk about what's okay and things like that. Um, and yeah, long-term relationships, marriages, you still need consent, respect boundaries, and yeah, coercive control, obviously. Um, with the laws changing. Only very recently in Sydney. I'm sure it's different all over the world. Some countries still probably have outdated laws where it's like, you know, oh, as soon as you're married, you're just having to be this person's sex slave for life, which is proper disgusting and makes me so fucking sad and angry. Um but yeah, uh, this is um my um thoughts and opinions on consent. If we could all get on the same page, that would be amazing. Um on the same on the same note, um when people say like for example, like consent can also be how you interact with a person. Um so if if you're messaging someone and sending unsolicited pictures to them, or you're persistently communicating to them and they're not replying, if they haven't told you that they even like you and you're sending them photos or videos of yourself, like explicit ones, um, that also is not asking consent, you know what I mean? Um, yeah, like I I've said before, I don't want anything unsolicited. If if I like someone, it's gonna be clear as fucking day that I would be like, Yep, you can send me a picture at any moment, and I would be over the fucking moon. But if I have not expressed that I really like you, I don't want to see anything ever. So um, you know what I mean? Just yeah, making sure that the person likes you, asking them, do you like getting photos? Do you like getting videos? Um, you know, and seeing is it sometimes they like getting it, is it all the time? Um, you know, like uh a girl that I used to like, she she said, you know, or she used to sometimes get pictures sent to her when like in the past in previous relationships, and when she was with her kids. So it's like for her, it was okay as long as the person liked her and as long as it was at the right time. So obviously, checking in, you know, um, oh, I want to send you something or whatever is now a good time, like, especially if the person has kids and things like that, um, to to think about. So yeah, um, yeah. And um not making people feel guilty if if they don't want to do things, um, it's totally fine if if um even if beforehand, let's just say they were talking a big game, and then once it came to it, they didn't want to do things for whatever reason, that should be respected, and that should be fine. Um, yeah, having having um uh respectful communication with people online if you like them, and making sure that you're not being persistent, that um you're not doing things that make the other person uncomfortable. As soon as someone says, I don't like this, this doesn't make me feel good, um, or whatever, and you're continuing to do that, that can trigger so much um PTSD in people of you know not having their boundaries respected in a lot of sexual assault instances and things like that. So um, yeah, you you don't want to be triggering people, you don't want to um yeah, keep your side of the fence clean type of thing. And um, and yeah, just be good people, just be good people, respect women, women deserve respect. God, we're so powerful. Um, you know, we've we carry children, we birth children, we're fucking strong as fuck, like even people who aren't mothers, like women are just fucking incredible creatures. We need to treat each other with respect, we need to treat each other with kindness, um, and we need to see each other as the powerful beings that we are. So, yeah. Anyway, I hope we can all shake our hands on that and get on the same page. Um, if you have listened to this and you were like, I didn't know about that, I didn't know that we should be doing that. Um, I would love to know if you've learned something for the first time. I would love to know if you knew all of this stuff and you're doing it. I would love to know the people who are actually doing this stuff. And um, yeah, I'm not gonna judge you if you didn't know and this is the first time you you're hearing about it. I'm shocked that it's the first time you're hearing about it, but um, you know, I am curious to hear. So yeah, send me a DM, let me know your thoughts. Um, I'm so happy to anyone who's actually um heard me out on this topic because it's such an important one, and um yeah, I hope you all have a great week, and I'll be putting out another episode next Friday. Bye guys!