Stop Arguing With A Conversation That Is Not Real

Your mind can start a fight hours before anyone walks in the room and your body still reacts like it’s happening. We catch that pattern in real time, then show how to “own the frame” so you stop surrendering your mood, your professionalism, and your peace to a story you invented. Alex shares a producer moment where a single text spiraled into negative forecasting, and how flipping the narrative changed the entire session.

From there, we go deeper to the root: the core belief so many of us carry, “I’m not worthy.” We connect worthiness to early childhood needs and explain how belief systems form when a kid’s needs aren’t met consistently, without turning it into a blame game.

Then we widen the lens to maladaptive behaviors: the ways we numb or mask emotions through drinking, food, shopping, gambling, porn, work, and even relationship patterns like people pleasing or refusing vulnerability. We talk about readiness to change, “high bottom” moments, and why love for yourself can be a better fuel than pain. Finally, we challenge you with a radical self-love practice: the mirror exercise, saying “I love you” using your name, and noticing what comes up.

If you want practical mindset tools for limiting beliefs, self-worth, emotional coping behaviors, and attachment patterns, hit subscribe, share this with someone who’s stuck in a loop, and leave a review with the belief you’re ready to release.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Hi,

Welcome And The Two Bs

SPEAKER_01 0:15

welcome back to Triple Threat Ginger Griffin Snaps Out. And this is a snap out for everyone, not just me, but we'll share my experience and then hopefully you can benefit from it. Not only snapping out of limiting beliefs, Alex, but also snapping into alignment with your authentic purpose. And I give Teal Swan the credit for that. Snapping into alignment. So I've reached out. Hopefully, we'll have her.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

We will have her.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Yes, we will have her. She's she's on the podcast in another timeline in the future.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

All right. So today we're gonna remind everyone of what we talked about last week, which is breaking out of false beliefs. And step one is identifying false beliefs. But let's also have an addendum to step one and call it step two.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

So we are also identifying behaviors that are used. They both start with the letter B. So we have and uh step one is identifying beliefs that are maladaptive.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

And step two, identifying behaviors that are maladaptive. So what do I mean by maladaptive behaviors?

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Yeah, tell us.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Well, what are some maladaptive behaviors that you have, Alex, that you may want to change? Because remember, the and is the acceptance or the admission that we're ready to change, right? So and one, identify the belief.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

And two, identify the behavior that we're seeking to change. What is something, a behavior that you want to change?

SPEAKER_03 1:43

I actually ha got to put into practice some of the things you're teaching yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:48

So

Alex Reframes A Tense Text

SPEAKER_03 1:49

as you know, I'm a podcast producer, so I I have quite a few podcasts that I'm working on. And yesterday, I received a text in the morning from one of the hosts of the show that irked me.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Okay, well, tell us about your podcasts. We want to hear more.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Well, this particular podcast is a podcast that's hosted at BuzzFeed. Yeah. It's called the Gay and Trying Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Say it again.

SPEAKER_03 2:08

The Gay and Trying Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Gay and Trying.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

It is a uh pop culture, just uh, you know, comedy interview style podcast. And one of the hosts had texted me in the morning and was like, um just had said something that was contradictory to previous conversations. And as a producer, I take things really seriously. You know, if we agree on something, I'm gonna make sure it happens like that. Okay. And I get there early to set everything up. And I found myself uh playing out how this conversation was gonna go and just negative energy, just the whole just like playing it out like they're gonna come in, I'm gonna have a reaction to the text that they sent, and then I'm gonna say this, and then they're gonna say that, and then I stopped and I went, This has not happened. I am in control of how this plays out, right? I do not need I do not need to come into this with such negative energy. Okay, the belief that this person is gonna come in and be hostile with me is not actual fact, it's true. It's what I'm creating.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Exactly. Good.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

So I stopped, I switched the narrative, okay, and I said, No, he's gonna come in, we're gonna address the text in a really positive way, and we're gonna be able to start this episode it from a really good footing. It's exactly what I did. Okay, it's exactly how how it played out, and at the end of it, I told I was like, look, I believed that you were gonna come in here and have uh an aggressive attitude with me, even though nothing about that text said that I had just assumed and prepared for that. And then I said, No, I'm not gonna let that be what happens. And then we had an amazing session. Right. And we were able to talk through this, and you were able to explain your tone behind the text.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

And everything is fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Okay, but let's go down closer to the root of that. So that's

Owning The Frame And Unworthy

SPEAKER_01 3:47

great, a great analogy. Um, and you owned the frame. So what does it mean to own the frame? Owning the frame means setting the stage for the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

So imagining how the conversation is going to go and then own the frame. So you flipped the narrative of this is going to be a negative conversation.

SPEAKER_02 4:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

And you created a belief that no, I can own the frame and create a positive and productive conversation. And in my practice, I call it controlling the chessboard.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

Oh, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Because if you control the chessboard or if you control the frame of how the conversation is going to go, you can literally change the frequency of the conversation, the vibration of the conversation, raise the vibration, and get to a productive result. People don't get entrenched in their position if you do that. So excellent. But let's go down closer to the root of what the belief was underneath the negative um um forecasting.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

I know exactly what it was. Okay, what was it? That I'm not adequate and good enough at the job that I know how to do.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

Oh, very good.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

I'm not worthy.

SPEAKER_03 4:49

I'm not worthy. I'm my professionalism is in question.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

And I take my, you know, I take that very seriously because I take my work very seriously.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Right.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

Um and that was so I was taking that on as offense.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Well, you were, okay, yes, you were offended, but there was a temptation to believe.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

To believe the lie, I'm not worthy. Now the truth is everybody is worthy. We are all, as human beings on this planet, worthy. And people might behave badly and do things that uh someone would judge and say, he's unworthy, a bad person, right? Maybe bad. Yeah. And the reality is each person that chooses to come to the planet and live the human experience has an opportunity to be worthy and generally is. So that belief of I'm unworthy comes from far in the past. Oh, yeah. Which we're going to get to in step three, which is identify the cause, just so you know what's coming down the pipe. Identify the cause of the belief and the cause of the behavior is coming, but we're staying step by step.

SPEAKER_03 5:54

So for sure, yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

In subsequent episodes, we'll go through how did you own the frame and control the chessboard and move forward so that you could have a productive meeting. So that's great.

unknown 6:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

You identified the belief.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

The I'm unworthy belief. I have a story about that too that happened to me.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

Can you share? Sure, absolutely. Please share.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Okay. Well, we're digressing. This is I know I know. It's okay. This is the identify the maladaptive behaviors, but it's really quickly sit down and write down the behaviors that you want to change. I want to stop smoking, I want to stop drinking, I want to stop using the substances to everything, all of them, right? So you can we could jump forward on that. So let's stay with what do we do when I when we identify the belief. So you have told a story about identifying the I'm unworthy belief. Guess what?

SPEAKER_03 6:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

We all have an I'm unworthy belief.

How Childhood Needs Create Beliefs

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

I'm unworthy or I'm a loser is people generally people's core belief, and it comes from a childhood. And this doesn't mean that our parents are um vilified or that we're blaming our parents for or our primary caregivers, it doesn't have to be a parent, for a belief system. Beliefs are caused when, as children, our needs are not met. Children come into this world with certain needs, the need to be fed, uh-huh, the need to quench one's thirst, the need for physical touch. That's an important one. Uh, the need to be heard, um, to need to belong. And we talked about the needs last time with regard to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. But a very young human infant is different from other mammals that are born. For sure. Because some mammals are born and they're able to stand up immediately.

SPEAKER_03 7:33

Oh, totally, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Or swim.

SPEAKER_03 7:35

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

But as human infants, we have certain needs. Now, as a baby, when we're not verbal, if a need is unmet, for example, a child is in the crib and crying and not picked up immediately because they're hungry, for example, and want to be held or fed, uh, the primitive brain, which is we'll talk about the brain in our next episode and do diagrams of how our brain works and the plasticity of the brain, but the primitive brain tells the child to cry, right? It's an automatic system, and the child cries until its needs are met.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

If, however, a child, an infant or a child does not have one's needs met, then certain behaviors can be exhibited and certain belief systems form. So let's fast forward age-wise to an older child.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

If a child, for example, has a need to be loved and accepted, and the primary caregiver ignores that need, a thinking brain starts to manifest, I'm not good enough to be held or accepted.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Now, here's what's important the parent or the caregiver is the reason for the child not being held or accepted.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

But the child who um considers that parent a hero and perfect and and I idealizes that parent will absorb as though it's the child's fault.

unknown 9:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

So belief systems form whether or not the primary caregiver has done harm or has intended any of these belief systems to have formed. Okay? Wow.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

So the I'm not worthy belief comes from the thoughts that occur after a need is not met.

unknown 9:25

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 9:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Okay? Yeah. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 9:28

I'm with you. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Okay. And we all have it. So I'm gonna share a story about my I'm not worthy belief. Yeah, please. Okay.

A Courtroom Test Of Worthiness

SPEAKER_01 9:36

So I'm a generally newer lawyer. I got sworn in during the COVID pandemic when other lawyers were closing their doors. I opened mine.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

And so there are uh attorneys that have a lot more experience than I have that I've litigated against for child custody disputes. I litigate child custody disputes because as a mental health professional, I care so much about children. And so that's where I've jumped in the deep end. And litigation's a big deal.

SPEAKER_03 10:03

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Most young lawyers spend hours and years in a law office learning how to go to the courtroom. And so as uh an attorney that founded my own law practice, I didn't work for someone and have hours or years practicing how to go to the courtroom. So what I did is I litigated with supervision. And attorneys have a duty of competence, which means that if I'm gonna go up against someone that's got 25 or 30 years of experience in a heavily contested, complex custody dispute, and this one, for example, was a move away.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Oh that's a big deal. Big time, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Uh, then I needed to have someone with much more experience watching what I did and supervising me. And so I had a supervising attorney on remote while I was in the courtroom. But this opposing counsel told me in an email that I was laughable and inexperienced.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

No way.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Because I said that I thought we could come to an agreement and get a settlement rather than having to litigate this in court.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

They sorry, say it again.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

They called you Laughable and Inexperienced. I was laughable because I asked her if we could have a meet and confer and talk about a settlement negotiation for her client and my client. Okay. But that raised all of the I'm unworthy. Oh, just like, okay, first of all, who's she been talking to?

SPEAKER_03 11:26

Yeah, oh, totally. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Like, because if other people think I'm laughable, then what do they think of me? Right. And then I had to tell myself, no, it's because she was talking to people I've already defeated, right? Just like you knew you were an excellent podcast producer.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Okay. But still, the ad hominem attack, which is an attack, a personal attack. It's just a nasty trick, right? Attorneys do to each other to psych each other out. The ad hominem attack sent me into a spiral because of course I was inexperienced, but the laughable was like the arrow in my heart. Of course. So I was observing the trial uh from my San Francisco office on day one, and on day two, I flew into LA. I was afraid of her. And I was laughable and inexperienced. We start the trial. We're halfway through the trial, and I said, it was clear that I was winning. So I said to the judge, Your Honor, can we get a um tentative on the decision regarding the move away? And so he started to give his tentative. Well, a tentative decision means that he this is the direction he's gonna go in. And the reason I asked for the tentative was um they had already put on their case in chief and they had rested, so it was my turn. And before I start my client's case in chief and extend the trial another, you know, half of the amount of time.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

What's your tentative, Your Honor? Because it gives the opposing side an opportunity to object and try to keep putting on their case, right?

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Oh, okay, interesting. I have not heard of that term before.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

So he right, so he's put he's telling his tentative, which is a decision, and you're not to interrupt the judge when they're giving the tentative. Okay. And during the trial, I had made an objection to something that she under her breath said, that's basic. Uh you don't object on this, such and such, you object here. And that's in the transcript.

SPEAKER_03 13:14

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

So she was making cutting remarks to me in the middle of litigation. So when I asked for the tentative, the bench said his tentative. And as he was speaking, she started interrupting him over and over. And he finally said to her, Counsel, you're experienced enough to know not to object to my tentative. So then under my breath, I turned to her and I said, exactly like this. I go, Yeah, you're the one who's experienced.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

That is wild that she lost her mind.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

I'm sure she continued objecting until bailiff came over with his hands on his hips and told her to settle down. Like that was a big deal to have an attorney rebuked by the bailiff because she was out of control, losing her mind. And it's because I turned it on her, her unkind comment to me. And it was under my breath, so it wasn't on the transcript. Well, the bench later put it in the minute order that she had to be reprimanded in open court. So not only is it in the transcript where no one can know about it because public record does not have transcripts generally.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

But the public record does have the minute order, which the clerk writes out. So we won the trial, the client wasn't the other side wasn't allowed to move away. Then she appealed it and she lost the appeal as well. And uh now who's laughable, right? But same with you. I mean, you created in controlled the chessboard and you set up your situation, and you did it in a manner that was amicable. And I tried to do an amicable control of the chessboard and was shot down. So remember this story when you use Alex's technique and you reframe the conversation, or when you control the chessboard and the other side refuses to continue playing the game and wants to try to harm you or make nasty ad hominem attacks. And we'll go into how step by step practically to be able to overcome the beliefs that not only you're thinking in your mind, but also the opposition that we have on a daily basis, because we live on a planet where people accuse and point fingers all day long.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Constantly.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

So even once you've mastered the steps on how to snap out of limiting beliefs, how to snap out of maladaptive behaviors, and how to endure all the way through, there are going to be storms that come. So practical steps on how to navigate using this technique will benefit for the rest of our lives, hopefully.

SPEAKER_03 15:42

I have a question follow up to that story, because I think it's important to also uh share how what you experienced after that experience. So you go into this, this limiting belief pops up. Yes, then almost in a manifestation way source spirit universe gives you this experience to show you almost to show you like you're on the right path. You were actually great. It was uh feels divine. What did it do for you after that experience? Did you were you able to recognize it in that moment and be like have gratitude to having that experience that was initially very triggering and scary, but ultimately you needed to go through that in order to be shown I am a badass lawyer and I can do this, and I may be inexperienced, but I'm not laughable.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Right. Well, but you know, okay, well, there's a couple things. Okay, that's great. Okay, first of all, laughable. Okay, I throw I call it my evil laugh when I like throw my head back, ha ha ha ha, right? Like there's an evil laugh, but it's not with an evil intention. So that's called mensrea, like a evil mind or an evil intention. Yeah. So what what it did for me is it taught me more about who I am at the core. So my core identity. Because what was my initial reaction after I beat her and uh went to the parking lot after she had gotten in in trouble with bailiff, right? The first thing I did is I emailed her and I said, Now, do you want to have that conversation about a settlement? Right? Yeah. I did throw my head back and do the evil laugh in the car. Okay, yeah. Okay. And then I said, because it's the right thing to do. I wasn't gloating. I gave her the opportunity. Then she emailed me back, call me, right? So I punched her, threw her down, and then she was willing to have that settlement discussion. But what it did for me is it taught me, sure, I'm a litigator. I fight for a living.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

But my goal and intention, and and I have it on my website for the firm, is to settle matters in an amicable way before one has to become brutal with force, right? I mean, and that's who I am at a core, right? So uh that's acceptable and looked upon with favor by bench officers.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

And it's also good for us in everyday life. We all have go ahead, say what you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_03 17:50

So it it was empowering for me.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

It was very empowering, and it also shined a mirror on my authenticity.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

Oh, that's yeah, it mirrored you. It mirrored right back to you.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

It yes. So the the act mirrored who I am. Yeah, it was divine um justice. Yeah, divine justice. I love that. It was, it was divine justice, and that happens all the time. Being aligned with one's authentic self gives us opportunities to live our highest and best life.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

And it makes for fun and exciting stories too, because I can look back on those adventures and see how I was supported by the universe.

SPEAKER_03 18:25

Big time.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

So I did control that chessboard.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

You did.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

And I think we all suffer from having the I'm unworthy belief.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Like I said before.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

But the truth is we're you're not unworthy. And there may be beliefs or behaviors that you are exhibiting that cause you to believe you're unworthy, and you have the power to change those. And so once we get to that next step in this podcast, you'll be able to employ techniques like Alex used or skills that I've employed in order to navigate those scary beliefs because it's a false belief. Okay, but

Maladaptive Behaviors That Numb Pain

SPEAKER_01 19:07

let's talk about behaviors. Like get to the nitty-gritty. So a behavior, by the way, is a manifestation or a symptom of a belief. And um, we haven't talked about emotions yet at all. That's coming down because many behaviors mask or numb emotions that are out of control. We'll talk about that in the future, but for now, let's go into the behaviors.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

So for me, I used to struggle with using food as an emotional way of soothing myself. And it never developed into something too maladaptive, but I was definitely aware that using food and um and alcohol to not feel certain emotions was causing my life to be out of alignment and I wasn't managing my time as well as I could have. And so I was able to use the skills and techniques that I've developed in order to overcome those maladaptive behaviors. Did you have any behaviors or have you had any behaviors that you had to change?

SPEAKER_03 20:11

The thing that always comes down to is uh my people pleasing.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

People fall in different camps. So, what is the camp in which you fall? Are you uh more trying to get attention and love from outside of yourself? Are you um do you have a tendency to do it yourself and not need anyone and and create a strong um front? Because this all goes back to our childhood. And the goal is for us as adults, now that we can um use language to understand the phenomenon that occurred when we were so young that it didn't connect to our sur frontal cortex, right? We didn't have language to explain it. Yeah, now we can go back and re do the repair work that's required in order to create a secure attachment of our uh among ourselves. So I've been doing a lot of work recently um to create a secure attachment in myself, and the biggest struggle I have is to be vulnerable with the people because I don't want to be I don't want to need anyone, right? Now, what struggle do you have when you have this need to connect with someone? What struggles come up for you?

SPEAKER_03 21:27

I I think I think it really it goes all the way back. I mean, not to not to turn this too um too emotional, but I think being a closeted gay man for so long, I had this idea that if I made myself indisposable to people, okay, if they needed me, right, then when they find this big secret out, they could not they can't leave.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

So it's probably rooted in abandonment.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

And so all of my behaviors that is the core of it. Everything I did. Until I came out when I was 31 was solely a way to I mean I was always thinking ahead. What do I need to do in this situation to keep this secret, but also make myself indisposable to this person? Oh no, they don't like me. I can't have them not like me because if they find out this secret, then that'll just be amplified. So I need to it was just a it's constant and exhausting.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Sure.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

Um and it definitely still pops up at times, far less now, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

But but mine is also fear of abandonment.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Okay, yeah. Well isn't that isn't that the root of all of it at the end of the day?

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Probably. Right? I don't know. I'm not an expert. But there if we each have opposite attachment styles, then fear of abandonment is a big one. Huge fear of abandonment. But getting to the root of that and to really identify like I didn't think I had a fear of abandonment, I don't need anyone, right? But why don't I need anyone or want to invest in someone that could abandon me is because of a fear of abandonment, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:55

Because if you don't need them, then they can't hurt you.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Right. Okay, but abandonment is a fact of life.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

It is absolutely oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

Remember we talked about having to deal with rejection?

SPEAKER_03 23:05

Oof, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

And guess what? There's gonna be some abandonment that happens when a person walks in his or her authentic or their authenticity.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

So you're gonna have to deal with rejection, but that's later. Don't be afraid.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

Yeah, I yeah, we'll get into that. I definitely have a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Because it's so much better on the other side with the joy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:23

But it is quite the walk to go through. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

So we'll be with you every step of the way so that it's not too scary and we'll address fears and concerns as we go. So let's go into some of the behaviors. What are behaviors that people do to feel love or to numb emotions?

SPEAKER_03 23:41

Well, there's substances. That's a behavior. There's I mean shopping.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Sure. Gambling.

SPEAKER_03 23:48

Gambling.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Addictions.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

Oh gosh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

The addictions generally are to numb the pain of an emotion. We haven't talked about emotions yet. We've talked about beliefs. We're talking about behaviors. We're going to go into the emotions and how to address those sometimes overwhelming emotions, which are not that scary. I've been through some of the most horrific emotions a person can have, the dark night of the soul several times. I will help you, we will help you walk through those together so that it doesn't become overly debilitating. So we won't go into emotions yet, but it does the behaviors do mask the emotions. They numb the emotions. When I

Choosing Change Through Self Love

SPEAKER_01 24:28

decided to stop drinking, I found that I was afraid. So how was that facing that when you well, thankfully, I have what's called a high bottom. Uh a friend of mine said, You need to stop drinking forever. And I said, Ha ha ha ha, I had too much to drink last night. She said, No, like stop.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

And so for me, that was really great. Um one day at a time, but that was a high bottom for me because I didn't end up losing, you know, my driver's license or my, you know, license. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:01

So there's no rock bottom.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Thankfully, I was really lucky to have a friend who cared enough about me to raise the issue. And um, and so I was on the airplane, this was um a while ago, and I identified the belief that I was afraid that I couldn't do it. And so I had to use um the skills of self-talk, which we'll discuss in future episodes, to be able to overcome the fear of I cannot stop drinking.

SPEAKER_03 25:29

I have a follow-up question.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

I think a large part of these steps you're talking about is is being ready to hear things like that. How were you able to hear that from a friend and not have the I guess general generally people who are not ready to hear it would have a very negative reaction.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

It was timing.

SPEAKER_03 25:50

It was all timing.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Yeah, I mean you have to it goes back to the and on the steps. So and one. So and is the acceptance or the admission that you need help. And there was enough love of myself, I had enough love for myself. There it is.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

Okay. That's how it was done.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

To change. Because we talked about how generally people won't change unless there's love or pain. Okay, so thankfully I didn't have to have the lesson of pain. I got to have the lesson of I love myself enough to not continue this behavior and end up having pain as a result.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

And so identifying the belief and identifying the behavior before it becomes something that you cannot make a objective choice to change is a big deal. And that's why we're doing this podcast because we want you to be able to identify beliefs and identify maladaptive behaviors and break those and change those before you're forced to change them because something bad happened to you. Yes. And some of my colleagues talk about this. The universe will cause you to have experiences until you identify those beliefs and identify those behaviors and change them. Would you rather change them of your own accord because you snapped out of it? Or would you rather be forced to change them because something bad happened?

unknown 27:10

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Right? So let's be proactive. I know it's hard to get up off the sofa and or the couch and do make a change. It takes 30 days generally, they say, to have a habit for change.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

And so motivating a person to make the change is really um, you know, part of the problem and part of the challenge.

unknown 27:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

But we're hopeful that by walking you through it one step at a time, rather than just giving you all the steps at once and leaving you with it, as an encouraging team, we want to encourage you to make the change and grow on your own rather than having it forced on you by the universe. Right now, too, there are so many uh podcasts and educational tools to help with the healing of trauma. And that's kind of what we're talking about. But we're not really using the term trauma per se, because there's a lot of concept creep with that term, and I can go into that a little bit more later. The psychologists on my international um listserv that I'm a part of have very strong opinions about the overuse of the word trauma and the overuse of the word narcissist, right, today that we right? Big one. So we're avoiding those labels because this whole point is to snap out of labels. We don't want to label, oh, so-and-so is a narcissist. We want to look at how we can snap out of limiting beliefs, limiting behaviors, change those behaviors once we identify the cause of them, and then endure and continue enduring all the way through this lovely journey. Yes. So other behaviors, um addictions to shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, pornography, another person, a behavior, work, etc., are all ways of numbing sometimes an emotion that can feel overwhelming. I know that I don't necessarily or didn't necessarily used to like feeling emotions. What about you?

SPEAKER_03 29:00

I feel like I've always felt emotions in a very big way.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

And uh have often not known what to do with that.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Right.

Mirror Practice For Radical Self Love

SPEAKER_03 29:09

I do feel like I have a good handle on it now, but um I certainly had an uh eating, disordered eating. Really? Oh, yeah. That was a big journey for me to get over the control of that situation.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Well, and deciding without being forced to, but just deciding because you care about yourself enough to know what food makes you feel good and what food doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

And really loving yourself is a big deal. And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that you went through that healing journey.

SPEAKER_03 29:37

Well, that is big. Wouldn't you agree? Absolutely. And like you just said, I had to one of my the very first lesson was look at yourself in the mirror and say, Oh, yeah, tell me about that.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Tell us about that. What did you do?

SPEAKER_03 29:49

So we had to our have you done any of this?

SPEAKER_01 29:52

Here we go.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

For those of you tuning in, a couple years ago, I went through a self-development program. I've shared the whole thing with ginger over burgers and fries. And we our first, my first day in the program, our homework was to document. So we had to show proof, which was an added element of anxiety. Wow. Document looking at ourselves in the mirror for five minutes and just saying, I love you. I could not, I well, specifically, I I love you, Alex.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror for extended periods of time with someone else knowing about it?

SPEAKER_03 30:29

Camera on me. And I will say, first of all, when we were given the homework, I was like, easy. No, I challenge you, the viewer, to go look at yourself in the mirror very seriously. Tell yourself that you love yourself. It is so much more challenging than I thought it would be. I balled, I couldn't even look at myself. It took me a second. First, it's funny, and you kind of laugh, and then it sinks in that you're like, why can't I say this to myself?

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Right. You're moving into our next thing, and I really am glad because this is the transition. This moves into radical love and radical self-acceptance. So let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Um, because I recently did it too. I was in a heel seminar.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

Uh, let me give credit to Gabor Mate.

SPEAKER_00 31:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

And I didn't, I it was a five-day online complimentary course. I didn't sign up for his um, and I'm not trying to promote that, but I'm just saying. Uh okay, so one of the exercises is to put your arms around yourself and to yes, so and you say I love you to myself, right? So go ahead, Alex.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

I love you, Alex.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

And I would say I love you, Ginger. And I cried too, Alex. Because we are now adults. Yeah. And the viewers are likely adults.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

Maybe not. Maybe some younger folks are tuning in in order to snap out earlier that's right. Right. That that happened like organically.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

I do too. Well, people that are coming to the earth now are so much farther advanced anyway. Yeah. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 32:02

That exercise was huge for me though, because now, and then and then I got so excited about it after a couple weeks. I printed it out. I printed out all these papers. One, I love you, Alex, you are wanted, Alex, you are loved, Alex. It's important to use your name.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Well, okay, so I feel like I hijacked that.

SPEAKER_03 32:18

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

So I tell us, you know. Well, I admire that you did that as a program and as a self-healing tool. And so I feel like I hijacked it because I sat for the bar exam. My point is overcoming my colleagues' objections made me feel as though I was, quote, worthy. But that's in a professional capacity.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Uh, you know, I'm still working on exercises to develop that secure attachment that I have created for myself as an adult for my inner child. And kudos to you because you've already overcome that hurdle. And so I challenge the viewer and the listener. What have you done in your life that you can lean on to hijack the I'm worthy self-talk? Use that as a starting place because if there's something that you've done that you're proud of, hey, I know, for example, you knew you were a capable and successful producer of podcasts. Yes. I know I passed the California bar exam. I know I was able to successfully give birth to three children. Yeah. Right? Huge. Right. So what have you done in your life that you can stand on and be proud of? And don't minimize that because our next episode is about radical self-love and radical self-acceptance. And if you have minimized something that you've done because of the external forces telling you that you're not worthy, then you're gonna get in trouble. We're gonna haul, we're gonna call you on it. And so we want you to put in the chat some of your achievements and accomplishments, and we will all give you the clap, emoji, and cheer you on because as a community, we are ascending together and we're helping helping one another. Yes. So don't hijack this next step. Do it the hard way, Alex's way. Right? Look in the mirror.

SPEAKER_03 34:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

And uh and we'll we'll take you through the next steps next time.

SPEAKER_03 34:13

That's your homework. Look in the mirror and say I love you to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

Right. Or hijack the whole process and remember what you've done in order to be proud of yourself. But then there's no escaping that mirror. Okay, so next time we're gonna talk about further go into identifying causes, having compassion for yourself, radical self-love, and then we'll move to the final step. So exciting. Looking forward to it. So as a review, we have and one and two. So

Review Steps And Next Homework

SPEAKER_01 34:43

let's go through it. The and is the acceptance or admission that it's time to change. And let's do that using love, not pain. The and is the beginning of the counts, right? The beginning of the steps. But if you say and uh in your head, like I keep doing, it's because the uh, the a is the initial for one of the words you choose. So it's either admission, like admitted that we were powerless over whatever substance, that our lives have become unmanageable. That's step one in the 12-step program. Or we accept in the five stages of grief, we accept whatever we've gone through. And you really do need to go through those stages, and it's not linear necessarily like we talked about, but the acceptance is when one is ready to change. Now, Alex quiz. What is step one?

SPEAKER_03 35:25

One is identifying. Identify identify the limiting belief.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Perfect. The beliefs. Very good.

SPEAKER_03 35:31

Yeah, identify the beliefs.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

And the reason I cut you off on limiting is because I want it to be beliefs and behavior. Okay. Why? Because we're gonna get to ABC. I'll explain that later. We're doing letters for those are who are left brain, we're doing numbers and creative for those who are right brain. We encourage you if you have questions about using the left and right brain to watch the podcasts with the choreographers and the producers that we've invited. Uh, but anyway, back to the ABC. So step one is identify the beliefs, as you said.

SPEAKER_03 35:59

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

What is the other B that we talked about today?

SPEAKER_03 36:03

Behaviors.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Very good. I hope that they said it before you did. Thanks for the little pause. The pregnant pause. Yes. Okay, excellent. That's good, really good teaching. That's best practices for teaching. We bring in audience participation because that's a modality that helps you really remember what you've learned. And so we don't want this just to be another podcast that you watch and then you don't absorb and you go on to the next one where we barrel through how to solve the problems that you find yourself in. We are committed in this journey to really going through it with you, and we're happy to. We look forward to bringing you to step three next time.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Thanks so much.