Casey Georgi - My First Year as a Mother

Sophia introduces “My First Year: The Anthology” and kicks off with an episode from the upcoming podcast “My First Year as a Mother.” The series is co-hosted by Sophia and new mom, Casey Georgi. For this episode, we learn more about Casey’s story. Casey describes pursuing IVF to avoid passing on her husband’s rare genetic brittle bone disease, osteogenesis imperfecta. She shares reluctance about invasive IVF procedures, her unexpectedly calm pregnancy, and a difficult birth after developing cholestasis that led to a three-day induction, and ultimately, a C-section. Casey discusses her physical recovery, breastfeeding journey, and the emotional toll of an exhausting feeding schedule, including the isolation she experienced. She also explores deeper tensions: career-identity struggles, her complicated relationship with her own mother, and shifts in intimacy with her husband, all while becoming more mindful and grateful as Violet grows.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

On every life's journey, we encounter many firsts. And these moments shape the course of our lives. This is my first year, The Anthology. And I'm Sophia, creator of the show. I am thrilled to kick off this anthology show with an episode selected from the upcoming podcast, My First Year as a Mother. For this episode, our senior producer, Samira Tazari, and I talked with my co-host, Casey Georgie. Casey is a new mom herself, and at the time of the recording, Casey's daughter Violet had just celebrated her first birthday.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

I didn't think I had the maternal gene. I truly thought that there was just something missing because I wasn't reacting to babies. I didn't buy the baby clothes. I didn't dream of having babies. I didn't play house. So I was really surprised that once it was happening for me, I was like, oh, I am maternal and it's all happening. Like it just kicked in and then it felt great.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Can you talk about a little bit about this decision to expand your family, to grow your family? What made it the right time for you?

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Yeah. I never really planned on necessarily getting married and having a family and having kids. You know, I'm not a very conventional person by any means, like not very traditional. But I realized, hey, you know, like I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I'm about to settle down with this person. I deeply love. We have a foundation of trust and, you know, mutual respect and adoration. And so the idea of having a kid suddenly seemed really appealing to me. And something else that made our journey kind of complicated was that we knew from the get-go that if we decided to have a child, we would do IVF. And that's a very tedious process. It takes a long time. And for us, it took several years. And so, right around my 33rd birthday, I decided, okay, we're going to do this. You know, we're about to get married. We got the house. I think we should start this process now.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

And what was the reason for IVF being the only viable path? Are you comfortable talking about that a little bit?

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Yeah, of course, because it's a little unusual. My husband has this very rare genetic bone disease called osteogenesis imperfecta. And it basically is a brittle bone disease. So you have chronic pain, you have very delicate bones, you get injured very easily. And growing up, my husband and brother, who also has it, were constantly in braces in casts. You can see pictures of them. They have both broken legs. And these were kids who were not very active. You know, his mom was very cautious about keeping them safe on the playground because she also has OI. The chances of passing it down to your offspring is 50-50. And so we decided this is not something we want to pass on. We just knew that if we had a choice to give our child a better life, that we would. And essentially they make a probe that is able to detect in the embryo if there's OI present on the gene. And through that process, they were able to tell us which ones were affected and which ones weren't. But that takes a long time.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

So given that it would be a long and probably difficult process, how did you feel going into it?

SPEAKER_02 3:51

I will say in the beginning, I was really reluctant to do IVF. I am not someone who has the courage to go through very invasive medical procedures. I am someone who has fainted when I get my blood drawn. I can't donate blood. I have really low blood pressure. I barely spent any time in hospitals as a kid, whereas my husband was cycling in and out of them all the time. So the idea of being pumped with hormones, being around needles constantly, having to get my blood drawn several times a week, and having vaginal ultrasounds, like I don't like any of my paps smear. It was all the things that I really, really did not like or want. And that would be part of the process for months. And I understood that. Like, this is what it looks like. And I was like, could we roll the dice? Like I really had a moment where I was like, maybe they won't have it. And then also selfishly, I was like, well, if our kid does, look at you. You have like a really full, wonderful life. And your mom gave you a very full, wonderful life. Like we are good people and good parents. Like I think we can rise to the occasion, like we can do this. And then I realized, you know, I would feel really guilty for the rest of my life if we didn't do this process and our child had it and they were in chronic pain. And there was no treatment for it. So I was, I measured that I weighed that with do I go through some needles and hormones for a few months of my life? Or do I give my child a lifetime of pain? Um perhaps. And that just seemed like an obvious decision.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

I was wondering if you had expectations of what it would look like to be a mom.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Yeah, it was hard to imagine. And I'll be honest and say that I didn't have a very close relationship with my mom. She wasn't a very maternal person. And I think that played a role in how I felt about becoming a parent myself and being maternal. I didn't think about having kids. I'll be honest. I didn't really enjoy babysitting. I had never held a baby or changed a diaper in my life prior to having a child. I love kids. I love teaching, but I was like, when they start to develop ideas about the world and they're funny and they're running around, that's like what I want to do. But in terms of like breastfeeding and changing diapers and like holding a baby, it just was completely foreign to me. And so it felt like I was on this journey. Like I someone just put me on a roller coaster and I was like, okay, here we go. Let's see what happens. I will also say, whatever cocktail hormones that I developed, I became like a very chill person. Like I was not a chill person prior to pregnancy. And most people get more or less chill. I was like Zen, like something clicked, and I was like, I gotta be calm for this baby. Like, I need to be chill. I need to go with the flow. So even when we went to the hospital tours and they're telling me all the scary stuff that's could happen, and they're pointing out the needles and the epidural and the triage, I'm like, it's gonna be okay. Like my body knows what to do. So I wasn't even picturing any of this stuff. I was like, we'll get there when we get there, which is is so uncharacteristic of me as someone who's like anxious, thinking about the future. I have my calendar open on the month view because I have to see that far into the future. Like I have to see everything. And so, like, even thinking just a month out about the labor, about breastfeeding, I was like, Yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we reach it. You know, I took the classes and I studied and I read the books, but I just, yeah, it it was so hard to picture and imagine that moment because it never happened to me. Nothing even remotely close. And I was like, I'll just wait till it gets here and then we'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Well, when your daughter Violet did get here, what was that like? Can you take us through your birth experience?

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately, by 37 weeks and like five days, I developed a complication called cholestasis. It's also super rare, but apparently I had all the markers. I had undergone IVF, I was over 35, and it was my first child. Apparently, a lot of those factors can play into this super rare complication, which causes full body itching. I do not wish this on anybody. It is awful. So I was losing a lot of sleep because I was scratching myself so much. It was honestly torture, and there isn't really treatment for it except labor. They were like evicting the baby, getting the baby out is the only thing that will cure this. And I was like, well, I'm not even at 38 weeks, which technically is full term and totally safe. But I was like, you know, I feel like we're not ready yet, but this is not sustainable. And we went to the doctor, and that day I had not brushed my teeth, didn't feed the cats, I was wearing my pajamas, and they were like, You have this, you cannot leave the hospital, and we're gonna induce because there is a small percentage of a stillbirth if we don't move forward with this. And they were like, and your quality of life right now is no good. So I was induced and it took three days. They did a foley bulb, they gave me pitocin, I had a nitrous to help with the pain. I eventually got an epidural, they broke my water, and I did push for three hours, hoping for a vaginal birth. And her heart rate was elevated at that point. It was reaching tachycardia levels, and they were like, listen, we could tell you to push a little more, but I was at 10 centimeters, there was no movement, like she just was not moving anymore. And so the discussion of a C-section came up, and I was really disappointed. After three days and getting so far and finally getting 10 centimeters dilated, I thought this was going to happen for me and I cried and was pretty disappointed. But they wheeled me into the operating room, had a duo with me. And so after three days of this exhaustion, also once you have an epidural, you can't eat solid foods. So I was very sleep deprived and also very hungry. I was very fatigued, like very weak at this point. And so I'm like, I have to get through this. This is like the final hurdle, the final hill. And um, they give you some really heavy stuff because you you really don't feel anything. You feel some tugging and some movement, but you know, I mean, you know what's going on, but you I I tried not to think about it. And they did tell me, you know, within the first 10 minutes, the baby is out, which is super exciting. But then it takes another 45 minutes to sew you back up. So you're in there for an hour, which is kind of a bummer.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

So when did you actually get to meet your daughter Violet for the first time?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

So they're cutting me open, and my husband is right by me, and I hear them talking, and then they're like, We found her, we got her, and they're pulling her out. And you see in movies, you know, this moment, it's like a pin drop of like, are we gonna hear the baby? Like, if we hear the baby, everything's gonna be okay. You know, you're like wanting to hear that scream to just know that everything is all right, and especially after this multi-day process and her heart rate, I was really concerned. And I was like, you know, is everything gonna be okay? And they they take her out, and she makes this, you know, it's not this scream cry like, hello world. The first thing that came to mind was like it sounded like a cat, like a cat meow. And maybe that's because I'm a cat parent, I have two cats, but it was like the closest thing to this little like bah. And I'm looking into my husband's eyes, and we just break down and we are just thrilled and relieved that everything is okay and we can hear her. And that's when it really hit that she's in the world now, she's here, she's a person, she's out. And then um, they bring her over to me. And I was also sad about having a C-section because you know, you're under so many drugs, you really are not very strong, you can't hold the baby. So they kind of carry her over to your head while you're strapped down and they show you, like, here's your baby. And you I was like, hi, hi, hi. But then they, you know, it's kind of short-lived, and then they cart her away, and then you have to lay there and they sew you up and you're there for 45 minutes. But um, I I was distracted at this point, and my husband could hear the nurses saying, like, oh my gosh, this is a cute baby. This is a really cute baby. And, you know, we were so excited. And I think at that point, just everything, everything changed.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Given that you had to recover from the C-section, you know, when was the first moment that you were actually able to hold Violet in your arms?

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Yeah, that is really hard because you're very dependent those first few weeks. You know, I couldn't really shower on my own, I couldn't really walk on my own. But I was breastfeeding, so I could hold Violet, but I was laying down or sitting up. I couldn't walk around with her. And I think it took me almost a month before and either of us felt comfortable with me holding her and walking down the stairs. Like that just didn't seem like a smart idea. So I was still able to hold her and have her close to me and have some of that skin-to-skin contact. But it was hard. I remember a few times like I'd be breastfeeding her, and either I would have a cough or a sneeze, or I'd be laughing. And the pain in your abdomen is excruciating. And there was a time where I started to cough while I was holding her and she was nursing, and I just was screaming and sobbing and telling my husband, please, you need to take her. I'm gonna drop her because I'm in so much agony. Like I don't have the strength to hold her and getting out of bed too. I couldn't get myself out of bed. Like I just because you're using so much abdominal strength. So just sitting up and laying down were you know, you needed someone there. But yeah, it it took maybe about three, four weeks until I could really independently hold her and be standing and sit up and lay down or sit in the nursing chair on my own.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Did the moments of having skin-on-skin contact bring back that connection that your physical connection that you feel to the baby?

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Yeah, there is something so special about holding her skin to skin, and especially breastfeeding, at least for me, for my journey, I believe it's oxytocin that's released when you are breastfeeding. And I felt euphoric, like it really was like the natural drug that I felt when I was holding her close to me. You know, like people get natural highs from exercising, from running, from you know, sex. And and it was so powerful being able to hold her close to me and do that breastfeeding and feeling just like this is the best feeling that I could feel, you know?

SPEAKER_01 15:21

So it sounds like the breastfeeding and holding her close was maybe a high. Like what what were some of the things that you were sort of struggling with or navigating in the first month as a mom?

SPEAKER_02 15:36

Yeah. So in the last, I want to say couple decades, there's this new sort of, I don't want to say requirement, but strongly suggested idea that you feed your child every two to three hours, like when they're a baby. So that means that you have to wake up in the middle of the night and do these night feeds or vampire feeds, I think people lovingly call them. And it's wild because your baby is tired and wants to sleep all the time, and you have to wake them up. Because of course, the practice was very different in the 90s. It was like sleep, let the baby sleep, do not wake the baby. And now they're telling us, wake the baby, the baby needs to be fed. And so I remember setting my alarm for two, for four, for six. And, you know, I had the surgery. So me and my husband were both on duty. Like he would go get her and bring her to my boob. And, you know, I would just be nodding off with her on my boob. Like I was like, oh my gosh. And not only that, she would just be asleep. She would get on the nipple and start to fall asleep. And we'd have to wake her up and be like, no, no, no, you need to drink. And so my husband, it was so heartbreaking because he would kind of like, you know, just gently wake her up. He'd try to tickle her. He would take a washcloth, like a wet washcloth, and do it. And she would start crying. And we're like, you need to wake up and eat. And it just felt like you're torturing this poor thing. But you want your baby to gain weight in the first few weeks of their life. And so they need to eat and they need to be nourished. And this has proven to have like really high success rates for weight gain and for brain development. And this is just what is strongly recommended. So doing that felt wild in so many ways of just like having to wake up so much and wake up this baby and do this. And we were so excited once she got to the target weight. They were like, Yeah, you could wait like four hours. We're like, oh, we could sleep for four hours in a row. Like, how exciting is that? So that was a really hard time.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

I mean, it does feel like you are navigating like a new reality and a new identity, and one where you are using your body to sustain life for your kid. Can you talk a little bit about that adjustment of your own self and how you're looking at this new role?

SPEAKER_02 17:50

You know, being a mother, you're just constantly transforming. There's things that are happening and they're changing, and you have to adapt, and your baby's changing, and you have to adapt to that. So, like your role as a person kind of shifts a little bit, and how you feel about it changes. You know, I'm talking about my wonderful magical experience with breastfeeding. But actually, as I was telling you about these night feeds, and not only just waking up every two hours, but like they're just a bowl of mashed potatoes at that point. They can't do anything, and they're just hungry and tired and poop. And there were definitely a lot of moments where I was like, I just feel like a cow. Like, I just feel like I'm being used. Like I'm tired. I don't want something on me right now. And in the beginning, I just like dreaded it. I was like, didn't she just eat? Like it was like an hour and a half past, and that felt like nothing. It was like a blink of an eye. And I just felt like this isn't my body anymore. This is like our body. This is her food source, you know. And then a cat would jump on me and I'd be like, get off of me. Like, I just don't want to deal with this. Like, my body needs space. My husband would hug me and I'd be like, get away. Like, I just because there was this little creature feeding off of me every few hours, you know, there was this term touched out where you you physically just need your space and you just feel like exhausted from the constant contact. And of course, with my baby, I was like, she needs to be nourished. But like anything after that, I was like, this is just extra. And so that was really hard because I would get sad. I'd be like, I'm just a cow. I'm just here to provide the milk, you know. And it it's hard in those first few months because they're not doing anything yet. And so it's not as rewarding. You're, you know, it's just this very this give relationship, this one-side relationship.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

Is touch Dow a specific term?

SPEAKER_02 19:40

It is for us.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Okay. First time.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

I know it's really interesting. My therapist actually told me about it because she's a mom and she's just kind of all about having clients who are new moms. And I was describing this to her. I was like, is this bad? Like, I don't, I don't want my husband to hug me, like my cat sit on me and it drives me crazy. And she's like, Oh yeah, touched out. That's like, because your body's going through so many physical changes. And after pregnancy, you're like, enough. I need my personal space. And I'm sure that's not everyone's experience, but it is a common term that kind of circles the community.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Did you have time to look in the mirror, like any kind of self-care routine? Was there any time for that?

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Every once in a while I take a shower and they say it's like the best shower of your life. And I will say, like, I didn't really enjoy showering because you know, this baby's spitting up on you and they're feeding on you, and you know, there's milk spilling, and you just kind of feel gross all the time. So having a shower was very special. And as soon as I was given the green light to walk again and like be independent, I immediately started moving my body because I needed to do that. So the first thing I did was like put her in a stroller and walk in the park, just like when I used to take those solo walks. It was like week three or four, and I was out there every single day with her. And she was born in March. So this was like the tail end of winter, and I'd just bundle her up, bundle myself up, and go for like an hour.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

And that was amazing. Because you were talking about being so calm in the pregnancy phase. Do you think that carried over into those like first few months? Or how did it feel for you as a mom?

SPEAKER_02 21:21

It did carry over, fortunately. Sometimes when I'm out with other moms and their babies, I'm like, am I too chill? Like, is this dangerous chill? You know, like should I be more neurotic about this? I thought I was gonna be really like anxious and worried about every little thing. And for some reason, that's not the case. I don't know what happened or why. When my in-laws came to visit us when she was born, they stayed with us for I think two weeks to kind of just help. You know, they do food prep and they're cleaning and kind of assisting, and especially with my surgery, we just needed all hands on deck. And my husband's mom was like, You guys are really chill. Like, I didn't expect that. You know, you're very calm. Like, I thought this was gonna be absolute chaos. And I was like, Is that okay? Because you're you're also just worried all the time that people are judging you and your parenting. Like, what are they gonna think? Am I bad? Like, oh, should I care more about the temperature in her crib? Should I care more about, you know, if that feed wasn't long enough, you know, and uh you kind of just follow the baby's cues. And Violet also happens to be a very chill baby, so I feel very relaxed in some ways, and I'm sure that'll change when she becomes a toddler and a teenager.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Maybe it's um almost by design, you know, like you have to sort of adapt. Like when the baby's crying, even, you know, for me it's like hiking up my blood pressure, but it's just something of when it's your own baby. Maybe it's something that feels like, oh, I'm just gonna take things down a notch and be the example for this young human.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

That is exactly it. I think one of the best things that I've learned about being a mom and being around Violet is that it has made me so calm because when I'm around her, I'm so self-aware of what energy I'm exuding and reflecting back to her. And so before I was pregnant, I was a very high-strung, very anxious person. And I just knew like I don't want her to see me. Yeah, and of course, she's gonna see me in those moments and she should see those moments. But there are so many times where, like, right before I walk into her room in the morning, I take a really big deep breath, exhale, and then I enter the room with so much calm because I just want her to just see, like, oh, there's mom. Like, it's all good, you know. And sometimes she's not and she's crying, and I don't want to be like, oh, why are you crying? Oh, this is so stressful. Ah, because like that doesn't calm anybody down. And that probably would have been me, you know, if I was, you know, in my 20s and early 30s. And now I'm like, it's all good. We're relaxed, you know. I'm definitely one of those parents that like when she falls, I don't make a big scene out of it. I'm like, we're you're good, you know, and she'll cry and I pick her up. I'm like, we're fine, we're good, let's try again. Yeah, because I just I want to reflect that back to her. And because that wasn't shown to me, you know, it was very stressful growing up with a parent that was pretty anxious.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

I'm also curious because you did say that your mom maybe didn't have some of the maternal instincts that you felt strongly once you got pregnant. In terms of parenting, did you do some reading on how to parent? Or was that something that just came to you with all the hormonal and emotional physical changes that came along with motherhood?

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Yeah, I'll definitely shout out hormones for giving me this far. But um yes, a very important book for me was Hunt Gather Parent by Mikeline Duclef. And basically the premise is that she has this toddler that's very poorly behaved. You know, she has these tantrums, she says no a lot, she doesn't want to do anything. And Michaeline is a journalist and she's like, What is going on? You know, and and she has a bit of a temper, she admits it, she's, you know, everything escalates, like they're mirroring back, like back and forth. Like she's having a meltdown and she's kind of yelling at her. And it's this cycle, it's this echo chamber of just like chaos. And on one of her reporting trips, she observes in other cultures this completely different way of parenting where she sees these toddlers the same age as her daughter, and they're helping out. They're not having tantrums, they're part of the community, they're doing work, for lack of a better word, like behaving and being just like little adults, basically. And she's like, what is going on here? Like, what am I doing wrong? Like, what can I do? And so she brings her daughter and is living amongst these communities. And she realizes like the intergenerational exposure, having multiple people, like grandparents and bigger families, aunts, uncles, cousins, and being around other kids is helpful. Normalizing, helping out and, you know, doing chores and not making it like something that you have to do when you're a teenager and you get paid, you know, an allowance for it. Just being like, Yeah, you want to help me cook? Let's do it. Because we're so quick to be like, get away from the knife, let me do it, go away, go play with your toys. And in in Western culture, too, just making everything about the kid and making about play and the fact that, you know, one or two parents are on top of one kid all the time and kind of being this helicopter parent is sort of working against the child's growth and development and from being independent. And I was so moved by this book. I mean, while we don't have as much family locally in Pittsburgh, I try to make sure that Violet has a lot of independent play. You know, I'm not taking her Chuck E. Cheese every day and doing these child-centric things. If anything, whatever I do, I take her with me. We're going to the grocery store, you know. I cook and I bring her in the kitchen with me and I give her a ladle. And while she's not cooking yet in a few years, I want her to make a soup with me. And like she knows a ladle, she knows her way around a whisk. You don't have to completely change your life and make it completely centered on your child and child fun. You can continue your life as normal with your kid coming along for the ride, and it can be just as fun and enriching. And you don't have to change everything. And that seems so important to me.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

And I'm also wondering, once you became mobile, you were able to get up and walk around. Did you change the way you showed up in the world?

SPEAKER_02 27:42

Yeah, I feel like in some ways this is a wild comparison. But how I like maybe some people felt in the pandemic where maybe you didn't leave your house for a long time and then you would step outside or get into a car. I remember this feeling of being like, whoa, like I'm outside, or I'm in a car. Like, because you know, there would be weeks where there was lockdown and we didn't leave the house. And so leaving the house and going out felt wild. And the same kind of thing happened in the first few months of having Violet, where I feel like me and my husband didn't talk to any other people besides each other. Like we were just the three of us in the house all the time. And we actually got along, surprisingly. You know, you think you'd really get on each other's nerves. But then if we had, you know, some people over, or I left the house and interacted with somebody on the street, it felt like, wow, I just talked to another person. Like, look at that, look at me. And it took me about four months to join. There's this mom's group that meets every week that my doula ran. And every week it felt like I was like, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. And then finally I was like, I need to get out of the house and I need to talk to other moms because I wasn't really around other moms. And so that can be very isolating. So I went to this group and basically, you know, we sit in a circle, we bring our babies, and we just talk about the week or talk about whatever is going on in our lives. And guaranteed at least one person is crying. You know, it's a very emotional but safe space. There's coffee and snacks. And I brought Violet, and I just I remember looking around the room and just thinking, like, oh my God, there's this look at all these new faces, there's all these new people, there's all these babies. I'm a mom. I'm in a mom's group. And it felt great to get out. It really did. You know, I needed that. I needed to socialize. Like I started to feel normal again.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

How do you think finding community helped you like navigate this new identity?

SPEAKER_02 29:37

Oh, I mean, it was great because we would just go around and everyone would talk about their experiences. You know, every single thing that everyone said, I felt like I was nodding and I was like, I can relate. And then you would look around and other people were nodding and you did not feel alone. And then being able to myself express how I was feeling, what I was struggling with, and to say it out loud also took away some of that power for things that I was struggling with, like maybe feeling like I'm just a cow or not getting out of the house enough, or having a C-section and feeling like that was some sort of failure. And then having other people just kind of pipe in and be like, just so you know, like you're not a failure. Or I too feel like depressed and sad and need to go out. Like, do you want to go for a walk? I was very diligent in attending that group every week for like four or five weeks until Violet kind of aged out of it. But I looked forward to that every week because that was like the community that I needed.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

What were some of the things that really stood out? Like as you were saying, things that other people in that group said out loud that you were like, oh yeah, I was feeling the same, but I didn't know how to put it in words, or I didn't have a chance to express that to anyone. And I'm so glad that I'm not alone in experiencing that.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

Yeah, a big thing with becoming a mom was sort of my my career and identity because I was someone who really well, and I continue to put a lot of emphasis on my career as something that career and success equal like my identity and who I am, which I'm still trying to untether and not put so much pressure on myself to feel like what I do is who I am. And I also knew going into parenthood that I didn't want mom to be my only identity. I didn't want that to erase other things that I was interested in, and being there and hearing some moms go around. And, you know, some moms are saying, This is everything I've ever wanted, I'm a mom, this is great. And then I would hear someone say, I didn't think I would ever be a mom. And I love it and I'm happy. But, you know, my husband goes to work, he goes to an office, he sees people, he's doing what he loves, and I'm home all day with the kid. And it is hard and it is isolating, and I miss my job, and I'm mourning that part of me. And actually, some of the moms made a book club, and there's a few books out there. I think it's Mother Artist, all these other books that are coming out now about how you know there is this loss of identity or feeling like your partner maybe gets to continue their life and continue their career and be successful. And some people, whether they have that choice or not, may have to leave their career or, you know, put it on pause to be the main caretaker. And that's asking a lot. So I was conflicted. I was a full-time stay-at-home mom for like the first 10, 11 months of Violet's life. And I had no idea what it was like to sit at home all day and be inside and take care of this little creature. And hearing that from other moms was such a relief to me because I, again, I felt bad. I felt like I shouldn't feel this way. I'm a mom. Moms should all love being moms all the time. I should want to be here all the time. This should be the best time of my life. I should be happy and grateful. And who needs a job? You know, I don't need to work, but that's not how I felt. I was like, I want to return to work. I do. I miss work part-time, you know, like I this is great, but I can't do it full-time. And so hearing that from other moms was just such a relief because then I didn't feel as judged. I didn't feel like this is a solo, unique experience that I was having.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

I'm curious if your relationship with your own mom has changed at all. And becoming a mom, does it give you more insight into what uh she must have gone through?

SPEAKER_02 33:38

Well, me and my mom uh, of course, I had very different experiences. Unfortunately, my dad passed away shortly after my first birthday. So she became a single parent pretty quickly and had a really hard time because she didn't have the support. In my case, obviously that's not what happened. You know, I I have the support. I have my husband, and things are very different. But unfortunately, my mom's not very involved. She came to visit Violet once, which was actually a big surprise. You know, she's a little bit older. It's hard for her to travel these days. So she did come to visit, I think about a month after she was born. But when she was here, she didn't help, you know, she didn't change a diaper. She was a very anxious person. So when the baby cried, it made her cry, it made her upset. And so it felt like we were taking care of two babies. So actually, having her here was more stressful than just having a baby and it being the three of us. I also expected a lot of things to change about our relationship. And in some ways, I was like, oh, maybe I can really be more compassionate, understand where my mom was coming from, raising a child on her own. Like that must have been really hard. But in some ways, in the way I was raised and some of the things I went through, I also have less acceptance because some of the things I'm like, I wouldn't have done that with Violet, whether my husband was here or not. There's just some some rules I would have set, some things that I would have cared about. And, you know, it was on the verge of neglect. And it's hard now for me to understand and forgive her and have compassion. Because if anything, now that I am a mom, I'm actually more frustrated with it and less patient.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

Thanks for sharing something that's so personal. Was there anything surprising about how your relationships changed?

SPEAKER_02 35:32

Yeah, um something that you know I continue to struggle with is my relationship with my husband. We are still deeply in love and respect each other and are very happy and love being a parent to Violet together. But our relationship has changed in that there is a loss of intimacy there. And, you know, I'm reading in the books and going on the blogs and going on mom Reddit, and people are all over the place. Some people are like, I want to have a baby again, and like I feel really sexy, and we're having sex all the time. And I'm like, really? Because that isn't our experience. I did not want to have sex and continue to have very little interest. My libido has completely gone down. Especially, I think this started around IVF because I was being stabbed with needles and hormones, getting bloated. I had no desire to be intimate. And in that going back to the touchdown feeling, it kind of started around that time. You know, my husband had to do the needles for me because I I just the idea of injecting myself with a needle, just I couldn't do it. And it's like in your stomach. So he would do it for me. That isn't sexy. Getting bloated and feeling kind of full and, you know, having all these hormonal feelings, it just didn't work for me. And then being pregnant, while I I felt good in some ways and felt really healthy and strong and powerful, that I was growing this thing inside of me, I didn't feel beautiful, I didn't feel sexy, I didn't feel desirable. And my husband was really kind and very loving and nurturing. And but that's just how I felt in my body and in my mind. And so I just I had no interest in sex. And then after giving birth, of course, I had this major abdominal surgery and I'm recovering from that. I'm not feeling up for anything physical, of course. And, you know, a year later, I still am struggling with it. And I did not expect this was something that would continue. I thought maybe after pregnancy, finally I would feel the spark and feel like I want to reconnect with my husband physically. And that's not the case. And having a child too has changed that. I think becoming mom unfortunately makes me not feel sexy. That is sort of a loss of identity that I'm mourning for myself. And, you know, not feeling sexy, not feeling desirable, not feeling attracted to my partner at this time is really hard to reckon with. I thought for sure it would come back, but it hasn't. I put so much energy to taking care of a little person. So I don't know how people have the energy at the end of the day to be physical and want to do that stuff. Um, but yeah, it's it's hard. And in my meeting, I brought that up. I felt very exposed, very vulnerable. And I just said, I don't have sex with my husband. Is anyone else feeling this way? And you know, some people were like, Yeah, it took me a while. And then we got into a routine. They were like, it might not be sexy, but maybe schedule it once a week, you know, and it wasn't super hopeful or helpful, but I know I'm not alone and people could relate to that.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

You know, I I wonder if there could be a separation in terms of the physical need for sexual intimacy and the emotional intimacy, or is that closely related, or are there other ways that you're going about it to compensate for that?

SPEAKER_02 39:00

My therapist actually said, you know, there's other ways than physically connecting to still be intimate. And there's other things that are not sex too. I make sure to hug my husband every day. You know, when we're watching a movie or TV or something, when we get a chance to do that, I snuggle up to him, I cuddle up to him. I think intellectually too, we have a lot of conversations like over lunch about things. And I try to listen very deeply and be very intentional about the things that he's talking about because he he really loves like explaining things and he's very curious. And we always say, I love you, you know, every day, multiple times, you know, in a way that feels very important. So when I had this conversation with him and asked him and checked in, and it was like, okay, this is something that we don't have going on right now. Like, how are you feeling? Like it feels very mutual that we're like, it's okay that this is not happening. Nobody feels like they're being neglected, that this is really hard and we're really struggling. Like, I think we have the foundation everywhere else in that, like, we're doing the things as a couple. We're also raising a child and we feel like we're doing a really good job. We have fun together. You know, there are ways that I do think we're both feeling very fulfilled where sex isn't something that we necessarily miss right now.

SPEAKER_01 40:16

I was wondering, because you were mentioning your mom earlier, how you felt a little bit disappointed with how she showed up. But I guess what are ways that your husband has shown up for you?

SPEAKER_02 40:27

Yeah, being very intentional with how he listens to me, making sure that he knows that I'm loved all the time. I feel very, very seen. I feel very heard, and that's something that I did not feel from my parent, from my family of origin. You know, he shows up for me every day and he makes sure that I feel loved. He says, I love you. You know, he hugs me back harder. He will find ways to make things feel very, very special. You know, I'm working on like a creative project, and he said, I'm so glad you're following your dreams, you know, like I'm that's so great. And I'm like, oh, I don't know if it's my dreams, but like that's so sweet, you know, like and you know, or we'll spend time with friends, and he's just like, you know, you're so funny, you know, and I I don't get sick of that ever. Like I know it's very genuine and it feels really good. And also he gives me a lot of independent time too. Like I take classes around the city, pottery, and you'll watch Violet for two hours, or I go to, you know, an exercise class, or I go for a long bike ride. So those are things too where I'm like so appreciative that I'm able to do something for myself without Violet, without him, because I very much value my alone time and he knows that. So as much as he wants to spend time together all the time, but he knows that I don't and I need my alone time, and he gives me that.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

You recently celebrated Violet's birthday, and of course, like you're reflecting on your time just with Violet growing so fast. But also, what ways have you changed? Maybe the way you've seen yourself, or did you have a reflective moment of your own?

SPEAKER_02 42:05

The day of a birthday, and this is pretty common with other moms, is you get very emotional because I think you realize the passage of time and you're like, wow, it's been an entire year. Like, what happened? But I feel like I am definitely the best version of myself. But the fact that I do take a breath and intentionally want to be better for my child is so good. It really is ineffable. And I was always moving fast before I had her. And now there are days where I may move fast and I'm just thinking about a million things. You have so many chores, you have stuff on your mind, you worry about daycare, you're worried about poopy diaper, all this stuff. You're moving so fast. But there are moments like yesterday, we were at the playground and I did not have my phone out. I just was like watching Violet just grabbing grass, grabbing weeds, and just staring at them. And like I just started to get emotional because I was like, can we just pause for a minute and just sit and watch and be comfortable with like not doing anything? Like it was boring, I will admit it. Like you have a lot of boring moments too as a parent. Like you're just staying with your kid and they're just like pulling grass. And I found it so special. And I never used to take moments like that before where I just sit and say, Can you just savor this moment? Can we just be bored for a second? Can we nav our phones out? And I do that every day now, where I take moments where I'm like, I don't have my phone out in front of her all the time. And you think more and more about how you are behaving and acting and what you're demonstrating because they watch, they observe you, you know, very closely. So I have improved. I have been more mindful and more grateful every day. And I can feel a difference. I see pictures of myself now when I'm holding her. I look different, like I'm smiling more. And I I've had people comment and say, you know, motherhood looks good on you. And I'm like, Yeah, I think I like I look different. Maybe I'm just I'm happy or happier, and it shows.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

When you think about these moments, what are the predominant emotions that you're feeling in your body?

SPEAKER_02 44:11

There is a warmth. I feel like this warm glowing in my heart, my chest, and in my abdomen. I feel tingly sometimes in like a good way, like after a good run or bike ride or something. And then sometimes I feel so heavy with gratitude, and then all of it just wants to just drop and melt to the floor because I'm like overwhelmed with like the emotion of life and giving life and experiencing it together and thinking about growing old one day, and she's gonna be an adult and take care of me, you know. Like you just like oh, like the weight of it, you know. That's the best way I can kind of describe it. There's so many things going on.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

Yeah, I'm just soaking all of that in. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_01 44:58

Of course, of course. Yes, you've been so amazing chatting with us and really sharing so many parts of this experience.

SPEAKER_02 45:06

And thank you for this opportunity. I hope it's it's helpful for people. There's some things that like I I've been wanting to say out loud too, or I haven't said out loud enough. So it's great to have this platform.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

Thanks for joining us. My first year as a mother is an original Sophia Media production created by Sophia. This episode was produced by senior producers Gabby Watts and Samir Tazari, and co-hosted by Sophia and me, Samira. Check out our website at SophiaMedia.co slash my first year for more episodes and other shows in the My First Year series, and for social links to join our online community.