Dagny - My First Year in College

In today’s episode, co-hosts Sophia and Rosabelle speak with Dagny, a Los Angeles–based singer-songwriter and NYU Gallatin graduate who created her own college major (“Language Curation and Ethics”). Dagny recounts growing up homeschooled in Connecticut, adjusting to public high school, and graduating in 2020 as COVID ended senior milestones. She chose NYU largely for the excitement of New York during the pandemic and moved into Brittany Hall as an athlete with online classes. Early freshman year she felt isolated, explored her sexuality through a crush on a teammate that ended painfully, and fell into depression, using journaling, songwriting, running, friends, family to cope. A supportive friend group and an influential professor helped her regain confidence, confront imposter syndrome, and reflect on slowing down, self-acceptance, and pursuing music and a grounded life

Be sure to check out other episodes in the My First Year series, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

On every life's journey, we encounter many firsts. First step, first word, first love, first time leaving home. And those moments shape the course of our lives. Welcome to My First Year Podcast Series. And this is My First Year, The Anthology. I'm Sophia, creator of the series. Today's episode is selected from our upcoming podcast, My First Year in College. My co-host for this episode, Roosevelle, finished college in 2020. The same year our guest Dagny started her first year at NYU. Roosevelt and I had a great time chatting with Dagny, and we hope you will enjoy listening.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome, Dagny. Hi, Sophia. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Dagny, we're super excited to talk to you. Hi, Roosevelt. I would love to just start out with hearing a little bit about where you came from, what your childhood was like, what you were like before college, the person you were going to college as.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Yes. So I grew up in New England, primarily in Connecticut. And I grew up with my two siblings. I'm the middle child. And I would say one of the most common things I talk about when reflecting on my childhood is the fact that I was homeschooled. So I didn't go to traditional school until I was in ninth grade. That came with its own set of confusions as I was growing up, you know, not having a designated like social group or a designated group of friends. But on the other hand, being homeschooled instilled this lifelong love of learning and curiosity in me. And it really just allowed me to explore my academic interests from a young age. And so that's something I really credit my parents with doing because my experience as a homeschooler definitely guided my academic trajectory as I got into high school and college.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

I'm curious what your social life was like at that time being homeschooled. Did you spend a lot of time with your siblings? Were there other homeschooled kids that you got to see, or what did that look like? And then going into high school, how did that feel?

SPEAKER_00 2:41

It was definitely interesting. You know, I didn't have a designated group of kids my exact age that I would socialize with on a daily basis. We had our art classes with other homeschooled kids, you know, we'd interact with kids our own age. And then I also was an avid soccer player growing up. So I had a soccer team that I was on. So that did allow me to be around kids my own age, but I also, you know, I felt that palpable degree of difference from those kids. But going to high school, I still remember my first day. I got on the bus for the very first time. And my mom had walked me down to the bus. And there's this picture of me turning around and waving at her. And I have my huge backpack on. And yeah, I remember getting to school that day, and uh it was kind of surreal, but I was also on the cross-country team, and the team welcoming me with open arms really facilitated my acclimatization to high school. And I ended up doing really well in high school, and I had I had a good experience.

SPEAKER_02 3:53

Could you share a little bit about, for the listeners that don't know, the context in which you were finishing your senior year of high school and entering your freshman year of college?

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Yes, I was in the high school class of 2020, and my senior year was very fun up until about March 12th of 2020. And I remember they started um separating the cafeteria into sections, um, as if having, you know, 200 kids in one section and then a thin wall and then 200 kids in another section was gonna stop the spread of the pandemic. But at that point, we didn't know anything. And so we all thought that we were gonna be back to school in the beginning of April, but school ended up closing. And I remember my last day of high school ever was March 13th. And there's this picture of me in the high school library with my best friend from high school, who's still my best friend to this day, and we're like making a funny face because we're like, oh, last day of school and goofing off. But little did we know that what began as something that we thought was gonna pass very quickly became our reality for the next two and a half, even three years of life.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

So it sounded like you didn't really get to experience, you know, the milestones of like prom and high school graduation. So was that time period just kind of a little bit of a blur?

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Yes, like it's just kind of a a void. And that was a time that I really was looking forward to, especially having been homeschooled. This was my chance to go to prom. This is my chance to have graduation, this is my chance to have our senior outing, all of these things that I had worked so hard for and that I otherwise would not have been able to experience. And I also think that COVID likely played a role in my decision to go to NYU because the idea of going to New York City and starting at this huge university where I was just, you know, a tiny piece of a gigantic jigsaw puzzle that excited me greatly because I'd been, you know, cooped up in my house for months and I wanted to do something extreme.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Yeah, that does that does make sense. Can you talk a little bit about your senior year as you're applying to colleges? What was important for you in applying to schools and how did you feel throughout that process?

SPEAKER_00 6:37

I remember being really stressed out my senior year. Um, I remember taking the SAT three times because I didn't get a high enough score that I wanted. Um, but I really agonized over every aspect of the application process, especially because at this time I was also trying to um be on a collegiate team, an athletic team. And then during this time in my senior year, I was just trying to think about what I really wanted. And I was wondering if I really did want to be an athlete after all. I felt in my heart that I had a lot of potential and I believed in my abilities and my intellect and all of that, but I wasn't quite sure where that would go or how to make that seem viable. And that was a great source of anxiety for me. And then I remember I played one of my original songs for a family friend who had actually done some work on Broadway, and she said, You should apply to Gallatin. I think you'd be so good there. It's an individualized program. You can really just create the college experience that you want. And in my mind, I was like, New York City. There's no way I'm gonna end up in New York City. And like, I'm not a New York girl. Like, I'm I belong in the countryside. But I ended up applying on a whim, wrote the essays, everything. And, you know, I kind of forgot about that application. But then as the admissions decision started rolling in from the various schools to which I'd applied, in the back of my mind, I just had this feeling that if I got into NYU, I was gonna go. And oh my gosh, I'd even committed to this other school in Virginia. But then I found out that I got into NYU. In my mind, I um I had just resolved that if I got in there, I was gonna go. And I remember I had this journal entry that I wrote um the day that I got in, and it said, I got into NYU, I got into Gallatin at NYU, and I think I have to go. And lo and behold, I went. And then on September 1st, um, I drove down to New York City with my mom, and she helped move me into college. And yeah, that was that was the day where everything began. Other freshmen in 2020 had the option of taking all their classes online, but I ended up joining the running team at NYU. So because I was also an athlete, I had to move on campus in person, even though my classes were gonna be online, because theoretically our team was still gonna be practicing. And that involved running many, many, many miles wearing masks, which was extremely unfow. But that's something that I became accustomed to, shockingly. Um, but yeah, so my mom moved me into my dorm. Uh, it was called Brittany Hall, and it was at the intersection of 10th Street and Broadway, so in the heart of Greenwich Village. And I mean, this was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I was on the 10th floor, my window faced south, so I had this incredible view of southern Manhattan and Trade Center. And um, it was September in the city, so you know, all the trees were blooming and smelled very floral, and like everything just felt so lively. And even though we were all wearing masks, I was suddenly, you know, surrounded by people again. And people say that New York City has this kind of energy, and I've always thought that that's a little bit cliche, but coming from a town in Connecticut where, you know, I just spent the summer with my family, this was such an eye-opening transition. And suddenly the entire world was at my fingertips. And I don't think I'd previously realized kind of the magnitude of this decision that I'd made. You know, then I was there in my dorm room on the 10th floor, all by myself in New York City as an 18-year-old.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Do you remember the first thing you did after your mom left?

SPEAKER_00 11:19

I took a shower. It's kind of symbolic, you know, taking a shower. It's kind of like um baptism. Yeah, kind of washing off this past self and stepping into, you know, this new identity as a college student for sure.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

Yeah. I was just gonna ask, I know you so you didn't have a roommate that first year. Who was your support system in person, and how did you kind of find the people that you clicked with and made you feel like yourself?

SPEAKER_00 11:49

It required some trial and error, for sure. I think I had been so accustomed to intrinsically trusting people who had my best interest at heart, because largely that had been my experience previously. I definitely did not have the kind of street smarts that my four years at that school allowed me to develop. And as a result, um I made some mistakes in terms of the people that I let into my life. I remember specifically, um, there was a girl on my cross-country team who I thought initially that I'd really clicked with. And um we at the outset of college, we were spending a lot of time together. And I ended up developing a crush on her, a romantic crush on her. And that was not something that I'd ever experienced before. Prior to coming to college, I was like, I'm straight, like I'm totally a straight girl. But you know, I'd never had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. And I found myself developing a crush on someone who I considered to be my closest friend at school, who was also openly queer and in charge of her own sexuality in a way that I hadn't really explored before. So this was a huge wake-up call for me because I was suddenly grappling with this significant part of my identity that I'd never explored before. And I was also kind of risking it all by having a crush on this person who I was also, you know, trusting in to be my friend at school. And it ended up not working out. And when that happened, that was kind of my first experience of thinking to myself, like, oh no, this is this is real life, and not everything's gonna be sunshine and rainbows. And realizing that, and then also grappling with these brand new feelings that I never experienced before, that definitely, you know, colored the first half of my freshman year and started to kind of bleed into other aspects of my life because I was very confused about what I was feeling and also very sad because I had lost this friend that I was also romantically involved with, and it was just really complicated. And I remember seeking solace, and there was this older girl on my team, and I looked up to her a lot. I thought she was very sophisticated and had a great head on her shoulders, and she really took me under her wing and she really kind of set the record straight for me in terms of what my goals could be and what I could accomplish. And she was also very just compassionate and open toward me while still being uncompromising in who she was. So yeah, I really kind of ran the gamut of meeting some really genuine people who had a clear direction and a clear vision for themselves, and also some people who did not have my best interests at heart and who ended up really hurting me, whether or not that was their intention.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

I can understand it being um very complicated and you know, layered, and it's uh it's also you know sometimes hard to put into words, right? Like all these different um different layers of feelings and and dynamics. Um so I was uh I was also curious just when you were experiencing, you know, whether it's like new feelings for towards someone, um, or trying to figure out, you know, whether you let the romantic feelings um come into the the friendship or not. Um where did you where did you look for guidance when that happened?

SPEAKER_00 16:02

I it was really difficult because I wanted to call my mom and tell her everything, but I also didn't know how to articulate to her that I was, you know, romantically involved with a girl for the first time. And it's not that I felt ashamed of what was happening, but uh, you know, on a standpoint of queerness and sexuality and things like that, but I was definitely ashamed of how I was feeling because I felt as though, you know, this was my chance. I was in New York and I had all these resources at my disposal. And suddenly, you know, I was getting very bogged down, or so I thought, you know, in something that from the outside looking in would be trivial, but that felt so important and so earth-shattering to me. So this was a moment where in my life I felt very alone because I was, I felt, you know, as though I was completely on my own. And then add to this the whole um nature of the pandemic, which is isolatory in and of itself. So, you know, I wasn't able to invite a friend into my dorm room and confide in them. And I wasn't able to talk to my professor after class because our classes were on Zoom. And I felt even when I was able to interact with people, it was still, you know, our entire faces were covered. So it was a very difficult and strange and dystopian time just in general. Um and so I the the really the only way that I found refuge at this time was in my own creative writing and in my own music. And I would just stay up really late trying to write songs, write poetry, write journal entries about how I was feeling. And that's still something that I hold dear to me. And I make journaling every day a ritual. That's also something I started in my freshman year, and I have I have some of my journals here, but I have almost 20 of these that I've now I've now written ever since I was a freshman in college, and it's just become a routine and a habit for me. So there were some beautiful things that were born out of this difficult time, but you know, I have to also allow myself to go back there and and remember how truly alone I I felt, even if that wasn't the reality.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's such a beautiful practice um keeping a journal and really kind of pouring all your thoughts out onto the page. Right. I think it uh that also makes perfect sense to me that you would do that because of, you know, your quest for truth.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

I would say that the that I was going through a heartbreak. I don't have a better, you know, a better term for it even now. Um, but I think that was also very important for me to go through because I realized, you know, that I could kind of dig myself out of that through certain behaviors that were not destructive, that were constructive to my identity and to realizing things about myself. But it definitely was not always the smoothest so sailing.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

I'm curious, after having that realization about your identity, what did the rest of your first year look like in terms of coming to terms with that part of you? And how did you how did you notice yourself changing in other ways?

SPEAKER_00 19:58

It was tough. There was so much change that occurred so quickly that I felt for a lot of my freshman year I was really playing catch-up and I fell into a depression. I remember the first time I went home after, you know, after all this had happened, it was kind of a month. I think it was exactly a month after I had moved in. So it was not uh a long time at all. But I was really falling apart and I just felt I felt like a shell of myself, which was so strange because just a month prior, you know, I'd felt completely different. I'd felt like I was on top of the world and I was, you know, ready to conquer everything. And then here I was, you know, in the first week of October, feeling completely as though I'd I'd fallen apart on the train back to Connecticut. And I felt like a failure, honestly. I felt like I had already failed at college and it had only been a month. And I remember this girl, this girl who had completely broken my heart. Um, I told her that I was going home for the weekend, and she I remember she said to me, Wow, you're bailing already. And that totally shook me to my core because I just felt so um, I felt so bad about myself and so confused and so depressed, and I just like didn't know um what I was doing or how to escape this feeling that I was feeling. And when I went home, my parents could immediately tell that something was wrong. And I remember just feeling so strange being back in my house, like this place that used to give me so much comfort. And now, you know, it felt completely foreign because I felt so different. And I ended up developing this anxiety of being away from New York, as though I felt like I was really missing out on what was happening there while I was back in Connecticut, and that made me not. be able to enjoy my time at home. So I was really a mess because I was, you know, I was really just dealing with so many new feelings and emotions. And I always didn't want to be where I was, no matter where I was. And also I was trying to stay on top of my schoolwork and just remember why I'd, you know, come to this school in the first place. But it's never that simple. You know, there's always something that happens that you're not expecting. And for a long time I didn't know how to um be less, I guess, affected by what happens. And as a result, I, you know, I reacted very strongly to things. There's that quote that's like life is 90% or 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. But for me it was the opposite, you know? And so I think I really had to kind of like bottom out and um realize all of these things that happen in life. And then only after all those things happened was I able to like rebuild from there. But I definitely started struggling with depression around this time like the fall of my freshman year. And that's something that I still struggle with today.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

You mentioned journaling as a practice that's that's helped with that. Kind of upon returning to New York, how were you processing everything? How was that relationship, if that had changed at all, how were you feeling going back to the city?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Well, at this point I had started to make some new friends and in my mind I'd realized maybe things wouldn't be exactly how they were the first week of college but that didn't mean that they were, you know, hopeless. And I ended up meeting some new friends and I started going on adventures with these friends around the city. It was a very cute time a very sweet like coming of age time I would say because um it was a group of four of us and we all lived in the same dorm. And of course we couldn't really hang out with each other in the dorm but it was two guys and two girls and it was just the four of us and I remember I found a lot of solace and freedom in this um in this group of friendship. What kind of adventures oh my gosh we would stay up all night on the weekends and we would go just walk all around the city. Like I remember one night we'd walk the Brooklyn Bridge and it was starting to get colder because it was later in the fall and so we'd walk the Brooklyn Bridge and I remember one night we stayed up all night into the morning and we watched the sun come up over the Brooklyn Bridge. And um I think that just speaks to how hungry I was for adventure and why I moved to New York in the first place. And so I began rediscovering all the things that New York had to offer and all the things that the school had to offer but it was only after I'd gone through that initial heartbreak and that initial stumble. And yeah, these friends ended up really carrying me through um the fall and winter and we would study together and we would just do a lot of things together. And I was still very hurt and upset by by the things that had happened previously but I was also so comforted by the presence of these friends and we all leaned on each other because we had kind of realized that college was not everything it was cracked up to be. And so we could all commiserate and that was also a really lovely aspect of solidarity. So I think all this is to say that um friendship really was, you know, the common thread that kind of pulled me through whether it was the new friends that I'd met in my freshman year or friends from home that I could get in touch with when I needed them. And also realizing that everyone is going through their own version of what I was going through whether it's feelings of isolation or imposter syndrome or not, you know, realizing that what they imagined college should be like was not in tune with the reality. And I think I'd just really been so self-absorbed and so burdened by my own stuff that it was really necessary for me to expand my mind and realize that you know the world did not revolve around me in the best way and that everyone was kind of going through their own their own struggles.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Yeah I was just going to ask you I know what were the most common conversation topics with you and your friends. And I think you you just mentioned a few of them you know you each sharing your own struggles or difficulties and and um the uh feelings of being alone and uh imposter syndrome I think you you mentioned.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

I wonder if you could talk a little bit more about that and um and also if there's a point along the way where you started to find yourself a little bit more did that feeling of like you're you being an empty shell of yourself did that eventually go away a lot of the conversations that I had with my peers in our freshman year centered around isolation and that can be interpreted in so many ways because there's the whole feeling of isolation just as a result of the pandemic and the life that we were forced into living. Yeah. But there's also a feeling of being isolated from your family because you're in school there's a feeling of being isolated from your past self because you're suddenly immersed in this new identity and you're forced to take the reins of it whether or not you're prepared um there's this isolation as it pertains to relationships I came to realize that having a a very intense romantic fling at the beginning of college is not uncommon for anyone. But of course I thought that I was alone so when I when I realized that actually a lot of people had gone through that same thing and as a result were left feeling very used or isolated or just you know depressed and it kind of underlined all the different stuff that we were talking about on the surface because it all really came down to the fact that we wanted to be understood and we wanted to be loved and we wanted to be known not on the large scale but we wanted someone really to know us and we wanted to know ourselves too. Many colleges have built in mental health resources um that I think are really important to take advantage of um especially for people who kind of don't really know where to turn and um I definitely utilize the mental health resources at my school and then also there are hotlines that you can utilize if it's um a more severe or pressing circumstance but I think it's important for me to say that there's always there's always help out there because I know that there were moments where I just felt I felt that there wasn't really a place for me in the world but I was able to get out of that because I utilized mental health resources and I leaned on my friends and family and it was definitely not easy but I wouldn't you know I wouldn't do anything to change the life that I've built for myself now even though it was definitely challenging. I'm sure a lot of people need to hear that if they're going through their first year just that yeah everything you've shared I feel like is such a helpful reminder for so many people it can be hard but just realizing that you're not alone in what you're feeling like it can feel so isolating but the paradox is that there are so many thousands of people who are also feeling isolated and alone. So just taking the first step to to reach out there are people who want to grab your hand and and hold you yeah absolutely um something that helped me come back to myself was I had an incredible professor in the spring of my freshman year and he I'm still in touch with him today. He actually he wrote me a birthday card and it's on my fridge right there. We're still in touch even after you know five and a half years of of knowing each other and having an academic relationship. And in his class this was when I first conceptualized my own intellectual value because I was suddenly yeah it was it was a major turning point and I think I think it's somewhat relatable for college students to have that one professor who really ignites their curiosities and in whom they really see themselves evolving academically. And fortunately I was able to have that experience early on in college and that really encouraged me because I realized there was this whole world beyond all this discontent and sadness and confusion that I was feeling and there was this whole academic world that was ripe for the plucking that I could explore and this professor is such an incredible person. He's such an incredible mind and his teaching really resonated with me. And also this was an in-person class which was huge even though all our desks had to be six feet apart we had just such a great class and there was something about the energy of being in the room with people again that just made me feel so much better about everything. What's the professor's name and what was the class his name is Chris Trogan and he teaches a class called aesthetics on trial it might have a different name now but it was a a freshman seminar at Gallatin um and his whole academic career is focused around aesthetics and ethics he's brilliant and he's someone who just always encouraged me to pursue the truth to dig deep into my individuality and to realize that you know I had I had something and I had been in a you know in a fling with a person who made me feel like I was nothing you know who made me feel like I was so replaceable and so disposable and all of these horrible feelings that nobody should ever feel and then of course you know all of all of this kind of fell to the wayside when I realized how I could apply myself academically and how I could really use my mind in an effective way. So that was a major turning point for me. That sounds like an incredible class what were some of the kind of questions you were interrogating and things you were discovering about your own philosophies on life, your own values well I think everyone says college doesn't teach you what to think it teaches you how to think and so this was my first foray into that I guess openness of like intellectual inquiry um and asking asking big questions about you know a piece of art and what it means for culture and society as a whole like taking into taking in so many different aspects um into consideration when studying a a work of art and in this class specifically we studied a lot of controversial works of art in all different media so we we studied Balthus who is a painter who depicted young women in a very suggestive way we studied Lolita the book by Nabokov or Nabokov we studied the music of Wagner so a lot of these very you know controversial artists and their works and it just really required me to use my brain in a way that I hadn't previously used it. I excelled in high school because I was able to memorize facts about biology and the eukaryotic cell and DNA and all of that or I could remember you know events in US history and write essays about them but this was an entirely different way of thinking and it just sparked something in me that made me realize hey like maybe I actually am smart maybe I actually have something to contribute maybe I actually can you know write at an advanced level but it took me a second to get there. You mentioned that the transition to high school was easier than high school to college was that in part the academic rigor or was what about that transition would you say was so difficult for you I think in in high school I was surrounded by everyone who lived in the same town right and it was a it was a very good public high school in terms of its academic rigor and the variety of courses that were offered I got great grades and I took the honors classes but I think in college it wasn't that simple because everybody was smart. Everybody was from a different walk of life and a a different upbringing and it was not enough that I was smart. It was about applying that you know and about what I brought to the table academically and intellectually and just having to dig a lot deeper quite honestly and putting myself out there and asking for help and learning from my peers also who were so brilliant and who were really asking the big questions and um also conquering my imposter syndrome as well and just like believing that I was smart enough to be there.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

And when when you talk about imposter syndrome um do you feel like you were feeling insecure about um your own intellectual capabilities or were there other factors?

SPEAKER_00 37:45

I had this fear within myself that I never experienced before and I was just so afraid of being average. I didn't want to be average I remember I I wrote a song and in the song I said you know that I was so afraid of being average I was so afraid of blending in and how much you define average what I don't consider average. I don't know but I think I was surrounded by people who had accomplished really really big things already um and I felt like college is the place where you go before you accomplish the big things and where you assemble the tools to accomplish the big things but I met people who were from all over the world because NYA was a hugely international school. So I met students who were from China from Singapore Switzerland France Germany or on the other hand you know I met students who spoke multiple languages and I was very insecure because I was not bilingual at the time side note I do speak several languages now but it's because I really I really tried hard to learn them. And I didn't grow up speaking a language other than English and that made me feel kind of insecure. I felt like a lot of people around me were already these developed world citizens and I was more of like their primitive counterpart because I'd experienced such a small sliver of what it felt like they had done in their lives. And I also met a lot of people who had gone to boarding school who had gone to very expensive private schools. I could not for the life of me understand why a certain group of kids would not speak to another certain group of kids because they didn't go to the same Swiss boarding school as then or they just weren't you know their parents were huge um business people abroad or things like that. I always thought that you know your value as a person and as a friend stems from the content of your character. But I suddenly realized you know there were so many more aspects that come into play. I was very naive about that. So I think that that's a lot of where my imposter syndrome came from because I realized that there were certain people who just would not give me the time of day simply because of my background. And I come from a rather privileged background.

SPEAKER_02 40:23

But it always um it always comforted me a lot because I would think to myself well we ended up in the same place now didn't we so it's all equal yeah absolutely and I think you know if um if we were interviewing one of those kids that you're just talking about um once that went to a a very exclusive boarding school etc uh you'll find that they they also have their own version of the imposter syndrome totally for sure totally and probably a lot worse than what you were feeling yeah yeah absolutely I'm curious if if going off that imposter syndrome you found yourself saying or doing things to seem cool to fit in or to stand out and feel like less average as you were saying oh boy yeah definitely I would just like engage in behaviors that I would not have normally engaged in.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

Because we couldn't hang out indoors everyone would just go to the parks and everyone would just flock to the parks and um there were people you know like smoking weed there and smoking tobacco and those were things that I just would never have dreamed of doing. Oh and and drinking I wanted to seem cool and I wanted to seem interesting and um I definitely conformed to peer pressure and I think that that's a survival mechanism in so many ways. There's so many underlying reasons why I did that and overwhelmingly it's because you know I was unsure of myself and I really just wanted I wanted there to be some like thing that I could do that would magically cure me of all of that doubt. And I wanted to be looked upon um as valuable by my peers and I wanted people to to like me and to follow me on Instagram you know and to like my Instagram pictures because that mattered so much to me.

SPEAKER_02 42:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

And when you did finally find find those people that made you feel like yourself your very like cinematic group of four you know chasing through the city what about them made you feel like yourself what were their qualities like and how did they bring that out in you honestly they reminded me that we were still like these 18 year old kids who had just graduated high school a few months ago I think there's this pressure immediately at NYU as freshmen maybe it's at other schools too this is my only experience that you're suddenly an adult and you're suddenly you need a career and you suddenly need fame and you suddenly need a lot of money and you suddenly need to have your whole life under understood and like answered for but the four of us we were just kids you know we were just kids trying to figure it out trying to study for our finals and enjoy New York and run through Central Park in the dark and you know eat Sour Patch kids under a tree. Like it didn't have to be that serious and at the same time it felt very serious as a friendship, you know, and as something that we were all sharing so two identities you had your first year at least were

SPEAKER_02 44:08

You were a runner and you were a singer. Did you feel like those were really big parts of who you were? Or were those kind of identities you grew into when you got to college?

SPEAKER_00 44:21

Um, I mean, I definitely so running was another way that I um found peace and solace because I could do it and still feel powerful and still feel like myself, and that was very important. And also just exercise in general was very good for combating my depression. So I feel as though being a runner was always in my identity, but similar to the other imposter syndrome that I'd spoken about, um I, you know, I was suddenly immersed in an entire class of people who were so talented and who brought so much to the table in terms of music, in terms of acting and um their creativity and their writing and all of that. So I feel like around the right people, I was able to um I was able to kind of show my gifts and work with cool people who understood where I was coming from as a songwriter and as an artist. But I also was dealing with a lot of kind of insecurity about my own abilities as an artist. And that's honestly something that I still struggle with today. I think that was definitely a big aspect of my identity as a musician when I was first starting college. But I felt as though I would be remiss if I didn't explore the other intellectual areas that really excited me. So that's how I ended up studying linguistics and classical languages and modern languages. And um I guess it all it all traces back to my desire to like pursue the truth and I and to think about language as like a medium, uh not just of of exchange, but as like the fundamental building blocks of our society and of feeling and of everything. So that's really what made sense to me as I went on. But I, as a 17-year-old, I had no freaking idea that that's what I was gonna be interested in at all.

SPEAKER_02 46:47

I'm curious if your songwriting style or just like your singing voice in general, if you noticed it changing once you got to college.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

Yeah, well, my songs got really depressing for a while. And a lot of them, a lot of them I'll never see the light of day. But I think that it's so important that I was able to write them because um it was more of an exercise for me to survive something that I was going through. It wasn't for anything other than um than me. And I think now when I'm writing songs, I'm thinking about um creating something meaningful, of course. But I'm also in the back of my mind, especially when I'm working with other people, or I'm writing songs to pitch for shows and stuff, I'm also thinking about the commercial viability of the song. And that's not something that was occurring to me when I was younger.

SPEAKER_02 47:49

As you get into your second semester of your first year and and the year is winding down, like how are you how are you feeling towards that end of the first year after, you know, discovering your queerness, after making new friends, taking really inspiring classes? What's your mindset?

SPEAKER_00 48:07

I was in kind of like that grind set mindset because I was in New York and I was really motivated to, yeah, to make something of myself. And in retrospect, I wish I'd slowed down a little bit and given myself the summer to work a, you know, a pretty typical job at home. I used to work in high school. I worked as a camp counselor, and that was, I think, some of the happiest memories that I've ever had just working up in Vermont as a camp counselor, taking care of kids, which I'm very passionate about still. And instead, I opted to do an online internship in New York in the summer. And I just felt this really frantic, I guess, pressure um to continue striving to just like advance my career, whatever that looked like. But I think largely I was just very confused about what it was that I really wanted. And I think that that's, I guess, a big, a big theme of my first year of college in general is I just I really did kind of lose track of myself. And I lose I lost track of what I really valued and what I really wanted. And it took me a little while to get back to a space of knowing myself and of knowing that. Um, but now that I do feel so much more grounded in myself, you know, I'm not afraid to admit that, even though it's not a great thing to admit. Like it doesn't feel very good to say, oh yeah, I completely lost myself my freshman year, and I had no idea what I was doing, but that's the truth.

SPEAKER_02 49:56

I hope it's okay if I share an excerpt of your writing from your Substack that made me think of what you were saying, maybe sets up some more context. Of course. So you wrote, but I know what relaxes me. A warm drink in the morning, the uncomfortable but necessary feeling of doing new, scary, challenging, and unknown things in my life, things that will help me go after my goals, that will take me to a new level, transport me to where I hope to be, and where I will ultimately reach in life. I don't wish to stay in the same place, palm sweating, some dream of mine hitched to the trunk of every successful person I've ever known, receding into the distance. So I'm curious what um what are your goals and hopes in in life right now? And what are some of the scary, challenging things you're doing right now?

SPEAKER_00 50:47

Hmm. Now that I live in Los Angeles and um I am really, I guess, getting into my young adult life, um, which I feel I was only capable to do after I left New York. I think I'm at a point now where I'm really enjoying the simplicity of life. And I really don't feel like I'm in a rush to accomplish any of my goals. I think that that doesn't mean I'm just passively letting life happen to me, but I think I'm just moving more steadily and less frantically. And I think that if I had just taken a moment to steady myself in my freshman year and realize that I didn't have to have it all figured out right then, that the whole point of that year was to put myself in a place to figure it out. That no one was expecting me to have it all figured out when I was 18 or 19. Um, I think if I'd had that mindset, I would have just had a lot of more or a lot more peace in myself. And I think I would have just done a lot better. But then at the same time, I feel like if I hadn't gone off the rails a little bit, I wouldn't have that perspective now. So looking back, I it's more of a feeling of self-acceptance and realizing that a lot of times you do have to go through something that makes no sense in the moment in order to reflect years later and recognize that it all actually was for a reason and for a purpose.

SPEAKER_02 52:30

Wrapping up, is there anything that we sort of started to touch on that you just wanted to share more of?

SPEAKER_00 52:36

Well, I think looking back, I'm really, I'm really glad that I that I took the leap and that I I went um to New York. Even now, um, now that I'm living in LA and I'm pursuing a career that I've always dreamed of. Um my mom will always say to me, if you didn't go for it, you would always have wondered, what if? And I think that that's very true. And there were just moments when I would struggle a lot um in college and I would just picture myself like wearing the purple graduation gown. And, you know, having having made it to that milestone and um knowing that I, you know, that I accomplished something. And I still think back to my freshman year all the time because I went through a lot, but ultimately I'm so grateful because I think if I had been anywhere else, there's no way I would have grown the amount that I did or just learned the amount that I did. So I take it for what it is.

SPEAKER_02 53:46

Yeah, absolutely. Um, the last question I have before we wrap up is just where do you see yourself in the future?

SPEAKER_00 53:56

Oh, that's such a tough question. This is oh my gosh. Well, the first thing that I would say is that I have a lot of gratitude for my present day. Um, waking up in a place where it's quiet and I have a roof over my head, and being able to go to work where I really love my coworkers, being able to pursue my passions. I'm also in a relationship right now with someone who I really care about and it's going very well. So I hope in the future, you know, we're able to build a little life together. Um then in terms of my career, um, I just hope to remain uncompromising in my creative vision for myself and to get back to really writing music that's from my soul and to, you know, to channel my art into helping people feel seen and feel heard, um, and to know that they can do it too.

SPEAKER_02 55:03

In terms of having your art inspire people and comfort people, as someone who read your entire Substack, I will say that you definitely do that. And I loved sorry, I hope that doesn't embarrass you, but I really loved it. No, not at all. And um I think you absolutely do that with your art.

SPEAKER_00 55:21

Thank you so much. That really means a lot. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 55:31

My first year in college is an original Sophia Media production created by Sophia. This episode was produced by senior producer Roosevelt Hine with creative direction by Shireen Anderson and co-hosted by Sophia and Roosevelt. Thanks for listening. Check out our website at Sophia Media.co slash my first year for more episodes and other shows in the My First Year series, and for social links where you can join our online community.