Bruce Chambliss (S1E2)

Bruce Chambliss on Military Upbringing, Fatherhood, and Building Men’s Support in San Antonio

Sophia and AC interview Bruce Chambliss, a 50-year-old father of six in San Antonio, Texas, who grew up in a loving military family with strong Christian values and moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina, South Carolina, England, and Mississippi, where he first confronted racism and learned discipline and respect from his parents. Bruce joined the Air Force and became a father at 21 when his daughter Jordan was born in 1999, navigating co-parenting challenges and distance. He later discovered another daughter, Kobe, and raised her as a single dad while stationed in Kansas, finding purpose in being present. His military career ended abruptly after a court-martial for insurance fraud led to demotion and confinement, an experience he now shares to help others. Bruce became a businessman, coach, and motivational speaker, started men’s and women’s support groups after community tragedies, and describes renewed focus and intentionality after the birth of his son Bruce III in 2018, while reflecting on his deep bond with his father.

Website: www.SophiaMedia.co/MyFirstYear 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_04 0:10

Welcome to my first year as a father, where we talk about life, fatherhood, and that transformative first year of becoming a dad. I'm Sophia.

SPEAKER_03 0:21

And I'm AC.

SPEAKER_04 0:23

In this episode, AC and I are talking to Bruce Chambliss.

SPEAKER_03 0:28

Bruce is a 50-year-old father of six who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Bruce comes from a loving military family with a strong focus on Christian values. He grew up in different parts of the U.S. and England and always excelled in school, sports, as well as in the theater. After high school, he followed his father and grandfather's footsteps and entered the Air Force. His 14-year military career led to deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan. But his service abruptly came to an end in 2008 under unfortunate circumstances. Despite that setback, he's a successful businessman in San Antonio. He owns a barber shop and restaurants. He's also a real estate agent, youth football coach, motivational speaker, and the leader of a men's support group. Bruce was featured on the docuseries Friday Night Tikes. He lives with his wife and their eight-year-old son, Bruce III, as well as his stepkids. He also has two daughters from previous relationships.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

Because of his dad's military service, Bruce moved around a lot as a kid. He sat down with us to talk about his own upbringing and his own evolution as a man and as a father.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Tell me about yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Okay, I think what best to start is uh I'm the oldest and I was the firstborn for a long time. I was born in uh Altus, Oklahoma. My father was in the military, he was in the Air Force to be exact. Um so shortly after being born from Altus, we relocated to their hometown. My mother and father from Greensboro, North Carolina. So I lived in Greensboro for a while uh while my father was uh in Korea. And so when my father uh came back from Korea, uh he took us to Charleston, North, Charleston, South Carolina. That's where I spent my young years. Uh my father deployed a lot. So it was my just my mother and I. She was my best friend, my mother. Uh we would we would eat a dozen eggs on the back uh porch outside. Um, you know, we we'd shop, you know, she'd take me to work with her all the time, you know, there in Charleston. So we really we love Charleston. As a matter of fact, we still have lifelong friends from Charleston. We lived in Charleston for a while, for at least 10 years. Um shortly after that, my dad got uh orders to go to Germany, I mean to England. And so we moved to uh High Wickham, England. While in England, though, I got into bowling um and soccer real good. And so uh I always tell people all the time, and I'm Yaga I'm Yaba League champ in '88, '87, you know, uh, I won that two years in a row. And so I really excelled in sports, uh, really excelled in in school. So I took uh uh uh in my English class and there was an acting department, and so I took an acting class. I played a a a park in uh uh Midsummer's Night Dream, and I was Disbe. I played Disby.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

Did your parents were they all very involved with all these activities? That's a lot of different interests.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Oh yeah. My parents have always they've always been involved, they've always been um there, yeah, my mother or my father or both. Uh and so, you know, England really, it really, it really uh at at a at that I guess at that age, you know, you're really personable and you things influence you a lot. So England really showed me uh difference. Uh, you know, growing up in England with with seeing their culture, um, knowing where we came from and our culture and understanding people. And and when I when I went to school, uh middle school on bait on the base, really got the opportunity to be around other military kids that were going through some of the same things we were going through. Um and it was different walks of life. So, you know, black, Asian, Hispanic, it didn't matter. And we were just all friends, you know, we just we just came together. There was really no no color barrier, no racism. Getting back to England, we um we we my dad got orders to come back to the states and we uh moved to Mississippi. And boy, that that there was a culture shock for me. Yeah, because like I said before, I've never experienced any racism, I've never experienced any of that. And yeah, when we moved to Mississippi, it was it was a culture shock for me.

SPEAKER_04 5:14

Was that in the 90s?

SPEAKER_01 5:16

This was early 90s or late, late 80s, early 90s. What my father had taught me instilled in me were morals and values. Um, I had a problem with the racism, especially with what it happened to to my friends. They were afraid to go to this particular store. And I was like, Man, we can go to the store, get something to drink, we got a bite, it's hot outside. And they were like, Man, you go inside. So, okay, I went inside. I was getting the things that we needed, and they came inside. And one of the cashier, or maybe the maybe the store owner, had told them, You boys look lost around here. And I looked at him and I said, Uh, uh, sir, uh, we're not boys. Uh, we're not lost. We're trying to get some food. And he said, Well, we don't, we, the the guy told my my friend, uh, we don't like your kind in here. And I challenged him. I said, What what is your kind? And he was, and he he knew, I guess he knew that I was different because he said, he said to them, they know what I'm talking about. And so I put our Gatorade and whatever we had on the counter and bought it. And we get outside, and uh my friend looked at me and he was like, We, we we know not to go into this store. And I didn't understand, you know, I didn't I didn't get it. And I would come home and I'll talk to my parents, they'd be like, Well, you know, and they had to sit me down and tell me, you know, things here are different. And so they it it it that further um kind of lit my fire to to be more of a protector and you know, understand and people and really, really, you know, give everyone their their their just due. And and I I really didn't understand racism.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

That that speech about, you know, this is just a different place from England. Yes. This is how like who who gave you that speech?

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Was it your mother, your mother, your father? My mother and father. They both, I yeah, they they every time they would speak to me, they would, they would both be there. Um, they would, they would both, they would, could I like I would have said again, you know, I was uh only child. Um, and so they would they they let me know that, and of course, they told me to ensure that I always gave everyone utmost respect. You know, at an early age, my dad, my father, uh I couldn't say yes or no. It was yes, sir, it was no ma'am, it was it was all the things, you know, even at an early age, you know, I didn't get to sleep in too late. Uh, my dad was very structured. I'm not gonna say strict. Back in my youth years, I would think my father was strict, but I now that I'm older, my father was very structured, and he made sure that I was structured. So the weekends when my friends are are sleeping in. No, I'm up, I'm bed made, cleaning the shed, washing the dishes, cutting the grass, all of the things, you know, raking leaves. And every every Saturday, my mother would play uh Karen White, uh Boys and Men, or there'd be some some well back uh new addition.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

I'm not your superwoman.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

You gotta hear it.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Uh early in the morning, I put breakfast on your table.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

There'd be some kind of music and bleach. That's what I knew we were about to clean. I'll be in my bed and I just smell the bleach, and I'll be like, oh, uh, we're finna clean. Every every Saturday, I like clockwork about eight o'clock in the morning. I would smell bleach, and I'm like, oh, I knew. I knew it was time to clean. I might got baseboards, we're cleaning, washing dishes, you know, all the things. Also, at the early age, I learned to cook.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

So it's not it sounds to me like you're you're a man who thrives on structure, and like that's a that's a great thing, actually. It can be really helpful. Um, but like what was it that love of of structure, sports, cooking? I heard like you gotta have very disciplined hands and focus. Yeah. Um, when you're doing that. What what was that what led you to a military career?

SPEAKER_01 9:10

To be honest with you, I didn't know that that was structure. I I thought, I thought, I thought that my dad was just being, you know, strict. I hated it. I'm not gonna lie to you. I absolutely did. I hated it. I couldn't stand it, you know. And in Mississippi is when my my mother got saved, and we were at church all the time, right? And my father and I, we stay home. My mama go to church, and me and dad would be home. We just hanging out, we barbecueing, we doing what we need to do. And then one morning, uh, my father got up Sunday morning, and I saw him getting dressed. He had put like shirt and slacks on, and I was like, uh-oh. And so my dad went to church with us. And after my dad went to church with us, to me, my life was over because we could no longer listen to we used to listen to uh uh uh you know things change real quick because my dad was my dad is in now, my dad is saved, and I'm like, oh now my life even got even stricter, you know. So now I gotta I gotta move a little differently. You know, we're praying now and we gotta go to church. Uh we're we're at church every Sunday. I gotta go get on the Usher board. You know, I'm singing in the kids' choir and all of these things. And so, you know, that was just even more structured. But I go, I I I go home, I go in my room and scream in my pillow, but I'm gonna scream outside. I'll just scream at my pillow so my dad can't hear me or my mom, you know. I just I'm just screaming in my pillow, you know. Uh so like I said, I I didn't I didn't look at it as I didn't look at it as structure. I just looked at, man, they I just can't do nothing.

SPEAKER_04 10:41

So tell us um how long were you in the military? At what point did you first become a dad?

SPEAKER_01 10:49

I was in the military. I think it was my second year in the military. I was 21 years old. I had met a woman, um, my my my daughter's mother, Zakora, in Mausher, Montana. My first duty aside was Malcher, Montana. I have never been that far west. I've never seen that much snow. But um, she had got pregnant and while we're in in Montana. The crazy thing is, though, we got married, I believe, with the Justice the Peace. And you know, we're young, we're young airmen. I believe I had gone deployed, I had gone to uh uh Prince Alton Air Base. And I think me deploying had created a distance and created a void in our young relationship where we just couldn't get seem to get things back back the way they're supposed to be. And so while I was away, you know, some things happened and she um got out of the military and she relocated to Savannah, Georgia. And of course, we're going through our things, you know, and things aren't right, but she's pregnant this time. And so we're communicating. I'm communicating through with her mother and my mother, they're communicating. And so before I knew that, I was the doctor told her that I believe Jordan was going to be born on a Thursday. And so I flew home Tuesday. My mother and I got in the car and drove to Georgia. I flew home two late Tuesday. Me and my mother got in the car Wednesday. Jordan was born Wednesday, about four hours before we got to Georgia, Savannah, Georgia. And so at 21 years old, Jordan was born November 9th, 1999. And I remember going into the the doctor's room and picking her up. And my mother told me she's like, Well, that's your baby. It's undeniable. And I that day, that day, that day, my life changed.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Can you take us back a little bit to that day? Like, what was the what was the emotion you were going through as you as you first picked her up?

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Well, the emotion, the the emotion from the plane ride, first of all, let's let's start there from going from Germany on that long flight all the way to to Greensboro, North Carolina, knowing that a baby's about to be born, right? Knowing that now that I'm gonna be a father. And I have never been without my mother or father. And so it was different to me that that a child was coming and the mother and the father went together. And so all of those emotions. Feeling like, do I mend a relationship so my daughter can grow up both her parents? Because I've known kids that didn't have both the parents, and I understand that the dynamic. And when I got older, I didn't understand. But when I was in college, I knew that these kids did grow up with a father because the hygiene was supposed to be. They didn't really have conversations, they couldn't look you in the face when they were talking to you. And and so that made it that much more important to be in your daughter's life. Oh, yeah, it did. Even then, holding Jordan, I had I was at the mindset of working that I gotta work this out somehow. I can't have her, you know, growing up without us. And you know, we tried over the years and it never really just it never happened. And so Jordan and I did a lot of phone. Even in England, I would come back, but then you know, the relationship had got so torn. There was times where I would come come home and wouldn't even see her, Jordan. You know, me and the mother wouldn't know those those kind of terms, you know, and so I went through a lot of that over the years. And I'm not placing any blame on me or her or none of that. You know, we were just young and uh, you know, paying child support and and not being able to to see Jordan and and things like that. Uh it does something to you, right? And as a father, first-time father, your oldest daughter looks just like you, and I'm getting pictures, and you know, even to this day, we look just alike. That that really does something to you. But you know, I'm a lover, I love children, and so we have a great relationship now. And her mother and I have a great relationship now, you know. But just getting to this point, getting to this point, it was very taxing, it was uh very emotional because when I didn't have my children, I was either coaching, mentoring, or doing something with somebody else's children, you know, and so some of the things that when I'd be by myself in my own thoughts, it would it that would really eat me up inside because it was like I have my own kids I could do this with, you know. And so that that that really did something. So going back to Germany, I left Germany in 2000, 2002 or 2003, but before leaving Germany, I was in security forces. And uh real good friend of mine, her name is Michael, Michael Davis. I remember when she first came came to work, and you know, we just formed a friendship. We were hung out together. She lived, she had a son, and so me and her son were real cool. We go, we uh we cook over there, we had the same friends, we go to the clubs and the pubs together and everything. And one night, you know, one night led to some things, and um, she got, you know, but she got pregnant. So we were got orders to go to Italy, and the father of her son had to come to Germany to get her son, and so he stayed with her, and so we're we're we're in Italy and we're we're joking around, and she was like, Man, I'm feeling sick. I was like, Man, you need to go to sit call. And so she goes to sit call and she said, You're not gonna believe this. I'm like, What? She said, I'm pregnant. I said, You're lying. She was like, Yeah, and I gotta go back home. So her and I, I believe, thought it was uh her son's father. So I stayed in I stayed in Italy for about six more months. And so the whole time she's going to the doctor over there. Um, I'm calling all the time. She's telling about the doctor's appointment and all this and that. Just checking on her because we're friends. And I had came back from Italy and I started going to the doctor's appointment with her, just you know, just being her friend. And uh Kobe was born. And back then, you know, you had the flip phone. Yeah, and I took a picture of Kobe and I sent it to my mom. And as grainy as that photo was back then, as as as unable to recognize it as it was, and I'm holding a baby. My mother said, uh, that's your baby.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

How did you feel in that moment, man? That that's wild.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

It was like subconsciously, way back here, I knew, but as soon as my mother told me, it just jumped to the front of my brain, and I didn't question it. And I didn't question it.

SPEAKER_03 17:49

Was it uh was it joy? Was it panic? Was it something?

SPEAKER_01 17:53

No, it was it wasn't panic, it was unadulterated joy. It was because you gotta understand, me and Michael, we were we were like like that. Was my best friend, you know. It was unadulterated joy because after Kobe was born, I had her all the time. I'm over her house, I'm putting Kobe to bed, I'm you know, feeding, changing diapers, all the things. I did take exception to uh uh her naming her Kobe. You know, my other daughter's name is Jordan. I said, yeah, we got a name of Kobe. Out of all the names we could pick, we had to name her Kobe, so now I got Kobe and Jordan. They were my daughters.

SPEAKER_04 18:29

So so Bruce, you were you at Kobe's birth, or or you weren't?

SPEAKER_01 18:34

I wasn't. No, no, no. I came, I came, I think I came a few hours later.

SPEAKER_04 18:38

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

No, I wasn't. I wasn't.

SPEAKER_04 18:40

When did you tell Michael about your mom's text?

SPEAKER_01 18:43

That's that same night.

SPEAKER_04 18:45

What was she like?

SPEAKER_01 18:47

She already knew already. You know, she she just didn't never come out and say anything to me. Yeah, she already knew already. So, you know, she didn't really say anything to me, and and so um I was so happy to be a dad again and have my daughter. I think that Michael allowed me to bring Kobe back to the States with me when I came back. When I got orders to go to Wichita, Kansas, McConnell Air Force Base, Kobe and I flew from Germany to Wichita. I was a single dad when I got to Wichita. It was just me and Kobe.

SPEAKER_04 19:30

And how old was Kobe then?

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Six months, seven months?

SPEAKER_04 19:37

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Yeah, she was young. And so how would you how would you describe the difference in your first year with Jordan?

SPEAKER_01 19:45

The difference was me being available, me being there, me not being with Jordan. It really made me like this is going to be different this time. I'm not gonna miss these young years. I'm going to do what I knew my dad would do or you know, my mother would do. I'm going to be here because my child needs me. And so it was me and Kobe. But I will say, during that time um that I had Kobe, it matured me and it really focused me on needing to do what I needed to do. At McConnell, you know, I really flourished at McConnell Air Force Base. So, you know, in two of the year, uh, I got some awards, um, you know, I really became who I really knew I could be.

SPEAKER_04 20:28

And how would you describe that? Um, who did you think you were gonna become?

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Um, I always aspired to be my father. Always. I always, if if I knew if I could just, if I could just almost be, I'm never gonna be as good as my dad. I'm never going to, never going to. You know, but if I could just get close to who he's been and what I've seen in him, because my father would give you anybody the shirt off his back.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

You mentioned that Kobe matured you. Can you give me a story about how? Like, this was there a moment or a or an incident where you were like, Oh.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Like I I am actually doing this thing now. There was a lot of moments, specifically uh not being able to hang out at night. You know, my my routine was five o'clock in the morning, get up, five thirty, get Kobe up, get her hair done, brush her teeth, you know, take her to daycare. Get off work, 4:30, 5 o'clock, go to daycare, pick Kobe up, come home, make dinner, let her ride her or pull around in the wagon, you know, bath, bid. That's my routine.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

I'm hearing a lot of that again, that structure, structure, structure, structure. Like this is the this is the way that the day goes on, and you live it day by day. But you had to move around a lot in the military. Did that make it difficult to maintain that structure, to maintain relationships?

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Well, so speaking of relationships, no. So having great relationships, you know, having my parents, if I had to deploy, they would come get Kobe. But I remember one time I had both of them. So the first time I ever got to have Jordan with me was in Kansas. But I had both my daughters. And so that was a moment that I would never forget because now I have two daughters and a single father. I remember they would argue all the time, man. And Jordan knew she was a big sister. You know, Kobe, don't do that. And then they're telling on each other. And I would I can remember, I can remember just looking at them and getting so emotional that I'd be in tears, you know, because of the love they had for one another. Yeah, I can't believe that this is happening to me. I can't believe I have both my children, right? Even when they're funny.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

And so now I have two heads to do. So Jordan with my oldest daughter was a is a leader. Like she is like me. She goes get the Brett buckets, have Kobe sit down, she'll get all the outfits together. We'll get the Brett's all color coordinated to match their outfits. And now I'm doing the hair, and Jordan's running the water. And come on, Kobe, let's get the bath and all the things, right? And you know, it was just a time. And so we'd go to school or we'd be out and about, and somebody asked my daughters, Who did your hair? And they'll both saying, Unison, my daddy, and that was so that was so great for me. That I that that I love that, you know, my daddy.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

And it was the best time of my life. But then, you know, this is where it gets real kind of dark in my life. So I had to go do a I was about to deploy, but I needed to go to a specialized canine school that was in Lacton Air Force Base. Well, at the time I had a motorcycle. And so I was going to put the motorcycle for sale, and I was going to pay the child support that I was paying for Jordan up for the whole year, because I knew I was going to get orders to go to Korea. So an airman came over to the house. I remember having Kobe on my side, and I pulled the motorcycle out and gave him the helmet, his gloves. He strapped everything up. Before Kobe and I got back to the house, I remember hearing the throttle all the way out. And by the time I turned around, he had the motorcycle up in the air. The motorcycle went that way and he went that way. And so I remember the motorcycle come crashing down, motorcycle parts go everywhere. I go check on him, you know, pick him up, pull the motorcycle out, you know, and he's he's so shaky. And he was like, Sergeant Chairman, Sergeant Chairman, I'm gonna get it fixed, I'm gonna pay for it, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, hey man, you okay? And so Kobe and I put the motorcycle back up into the garage. And so the next day he calls me. He gave me his state farm information. He was like, Yeah, just you know, claim it on my state farm, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. I call state farm, and they tell me that Garcia is not covered for motorcycle coverage. I call Garcia, I let him know he's not covered. He said, Don't worry about it. I'm gonna give him my dad. We're gonna pay for the motorcycle. Fine. So this is maybe April, April, May, June. I haven't seen Garcia. So one day I'm going to the gym and he's coming out of the gym. And so he tells me, he's like, just I'm gonna call the insurance company and I'm gonna tell them, I hit your motorcycle with my car. At that point of time, like, man, whatever you got to do, just give me my money.

unknown 25:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Bam. So I guess he does, he does that. And so a couple weeks later, the state farm guy calls, asked me two questions. He said, Do you know uh uh such and such Garcia? I said, Yes. He said, Was Garcia has notified us that he was he he drove into your car causing such and such damage to the right side of your of your motorcycle? And I and I said, Yes, yes, sir. And he asked some other preliminary questions, but nothing too deep. And phone call was over with. About two or three weeks go by and haven't heard anything. So come November, I get an email saying that I am up for a court martial. And I'm like, court martial, so I go right to my commander. I didn't knock on the door, I just went in and I say, What is this? So you can't do that in the military. You gotta have some kind of military bearing. So, of course, they call me down, they sit me down, and he tells me that he is ordering a court martial for insurance fraud. What I know about insurance fraud is it happens thousands of times a day. Um, there's never no money ever involved, and usually you get a ticket. How the military picked it up was I took that phone call from State Farm in the military, and that's what got me. So, lo and behold, the day comes. I had to pack all my stuff up because if you get found guilty to court martial, you have to go to confinement. So that morning, I got all my blues. Uh, it was probably about four or five days prior that my parents came and got Kobe and Jordan and took them back to North Carolina. And so I go to the court martial and the courtroom is packed. And all my friends, all the people that, you know, all my fellow airmen, you know, everyone. The judge was looked at me and he said, Sarge Chambless, I have never in my time of being on the bench ever seen anybody with so many letters of admonishment. And, you know, he was like, This speaks volumes of who your character is. But then he said, This is not negate the fact that you tried to fraud uh State Farm for I think the I believe the estimate for to get the motorcycle fixed was like $7,000. And that judge said, I sentence you to such and such months in confinement. That point in my life when I had to go to confinement, my heart dropped down to my shoes, and I got shackled, and I got transported to confinement facility at McConnell Air Force Base. I got a motor from E6 to E1, and I had to spend time in confinement. The confinement facility that I was at, of course, you got to be dressed up in all orange, you got to wear an orange hat. You get parade around the base, you gotta go to the child hall edit, sit by yourself, everybody can see you. And I sat there every day. I had to look myself in the mirror and pat myself on the back and tell myself it's gonna be okay. It was the most humbling experience I've ever had in my life. I didn't allow my parents to come visit me. I would call them, you know.

SPEAKER_04 29:11

Did they want to?

SPEAKER_01 29:13

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_04 29:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Yes. They would my my mom, my my mother wanted to be on the first day smoking when I was found out of court-martial and just live with me, you know. But I got myself into this, right? I made this horrible decision. I gotta live with it. And so I did my time. I vowed that nothing, I would never allow any of this to happen again in my life.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

Oh, I I want to ask you, like, what's going through your mind? You know, you talked about your parents and one then one visit. Did you have you had a conversation with your children about being in prison or you know, the the insurance fraud situation?

SPEAKER_01 29:52

I have. I have. Now that they're older, they all know. I speak of it because it didn't define me, you know. I think it it strengthened me. And anytime I get to tell the story, I tell it. Because a lot of people don't realize that somebody's been through, is about to go through, or has, or something going through the same thing that you going through. The beauty of it is if if the person can just hear it from somebody else, if the person can just know they're not by themselves, that makes everything the more. It's it's it's the it's us the people that want to be guarded, that don't want to tell, that don't want to be transparent, not knowing how valuable that is for somebody else, you know, and so I know that. And so, you know, I talk about it all the time. Um, not getting too far ahead. They have a men's fellowship group that we do at my restaurant on every first Tuesday. And I speak about it, right? Because uh God had been tugging on my heart to create something like this, and I did it, right? And so um I own a barbershop, and one of the guys in my barbershop, one of the one of our clients that we know as kids, we've been cutting his SIDs, cutting his son and him for years, he committed suicide. And another client of mine had a full-on um uh nervous breakdown where he, you know, I don't know what was going on with him, but that really pushed me to start the men's group because had those men heard, you know, because a lot of men contemplate suicide, you know, but had he known that, and he's not the only one going through it, you know, somebody else would get through it. And so now we have this beautiful men's group that we do every first Tuesday, and we're just on the patio with cigars and cognac and crying and praying and you know, just uplifting one another. And it's it's a beautiful thing, you know. You guys gotta see it, and it's it's it's it's wonderful. And you know, we've had as many as 58 men down to our least our our our the least amount we had is 12, you know. But we're going on a year and six months of doing this, and it's just growing, right? And so um, because of the men's group, the women, the wives, they can't be a part of it. So I got an overwhelming response in my email and my and my inbox to start a women's group. So now every first Tuesday we have a men's group, every second Tuesday, we have a women's group, and it has done wonders. I'm sure it saved lives. You know, we have a text group that we text one another, uh, you know, all the things. And so I think me not telling my story, um, it doesn't do anything for me. You know, I I I know that people would never have guessed that when they see me. Uh, you know, people don't when I tell the story, they'd be like, You? I'd be like, Yeah, yeah, I'm I'm I'm no better than anyone else.

SPEAKER_04 32:44

Yeah. And I feel like it really, you know, goes to the heart of the matter about you know love and acceptance for yourself and compassion for yourself and knowing that it's actually counterproductive to hold things in and judge yourself for it. And certainly. And and it's absolutely, I mean, it like it breaks my heart to hear some of the parts and the difficulties that you have to go through, but it also warms my heart so much to hear about you know what you're doing um with everything that you've learned from that experience. And it sounds like you're in the in the place in your life now that you've got all this experience, all this wisdom, and that you're just so generous and sharing all of that with you know people in your community. Um so is that also helping you a lot? Um, because I know that you have other kids now, right? In addition to Kobe and Jordan. And uh, and are you approaching that um fatherhood differently now with your other kids?

SPEAKER_01 33:54

Well, I most definitely am. More patient, more centered, more goal-oriented. When I when I moved here to Texas, I got into coaching real big and had the opportunity to be on the show called Friday Night Types. Well, prior to the show, I've always been the coach to bring the kids home, get them something to eat. You know, mind you, I don't have any sons out here of my own. And so every time somebody's seen me with some kids, they'd be like, Man, this your son. I'd be like, nah, he's just, you know, and and all these kids need something, you know. And so I've always been the guy to be that type of coach, you know, to make sure that the kid has food, you know, shelter. You know, there was a time or one time I took a kid home and then the mom was in Vegas, and this kid is like 10 years old, and she had made him a big pot of spaghetti and had said, have at it. So I told him packy stuff up, man. I brought him to the house and he stayed with me. And of course, I had a conversation with the mother when she got back. But, you know, um, that's just the type of person that I am because that's what my father would have done. Years later, my son is born. So Bruce III, uh, he was born April 30th, 2018. Funny thing about that is I have girls. We found out that that uh my wife is pregnant. I knew it was gonna be a girl. And the whole time, you know, I don't know how many, I don't know how many months or how many weeks it is to you find out the sex of the baby, but I can tell you I knew that it was a girl. And the guys in my barber shop were telling me, no, you can have another girl. I already knew. All right, you ain't gotta tell me nothing. I'm gonna have a girl. I'm cursed. I'm never gonna have a son. My mother did tell me years ago though, she did. She said, the next, if you do have a child again, it's gonna be a boy. I forgot all about that. I'm doomed to have girls. I'm gonna be doing hair again, tea parties, you know, we're gonna be doing ballet. I'm all I got all this football equipment in the in the garage because I've been training all these kids all the time. It's a girl, it's a girl. Okay. The appointment, I remember it's Thursday morning, 9 o'clock a.m. for us to go find out the sex of the baby. We pull up to the hospital, we go inside. You know, you got to lay down on the thing, and my wife has a shirt up, and woo-hoo, woo, woo. You hear the heart beating. The doctors, my head's just down, and the screen's right there. And so I see the baby in the little thing, and I'm just down. And I hear the doctor say, You see that? And my wife says, See what? Here it is. I already know they're gonna say, she's gonna say, You see, it's a girl. And so she said, No, no, no, this right here. And I looked up and I saw a little dangly thing, and I didn't pay attention to it. And the doctor said, It's a boy. I passed out. You passed out. So I remember, I remember the doctor kind of slapping me. Leading up to this whole time, I have been telling myself, I've been making myself sick that it was a girl. I have prepared myself to hear it's a girl. I have prepared myself for it. I already got in my mind. The tea parties, I already got in my mind what I'm doing. I already got all that in my mind. I already know. I've done this twice already. I I know, I'm I'm a girl. That doctor said, yeah, this is a dangly thing. As soon as she said, I don't even know if she even got the whole word boy out of her mouth before I passed out. Oh, to be honest with you. And it has been, it has been an amazing journey uh ever since Bruce was born. And when I tell you, I didn't even know I could even get more focused. I didn't even know that I could get more loving, I didn't even know that I could get more determined in my life. I didn't I didn't know. And and and I don't want my daughter seeing this, they taking this the wrong way, but they motivated me as well. But people talk about, you know, I do I do a lot of these uh speaking engagements. And you know, the cliche, find out, find your why, find your purpose. All those you hear it all the time, right? And you know, I think at every stop in life, you kind of find a new purpose, you find a new why, you know. So Bruce has become my new why because everything that I do, he's looking at, and I know he's looking at it because he says it out of his mouth. But when he was born, I didn't have a name picked out because I didn't even think about I didn't even think I was having a boy. And so when he was born, he had to be Bruce the Third, you know, and and just paying homage to my father, you know. I felt that it was the best thing to do, and so he's Bruce, Eric Chaminus III. Of course, we call him Trey, uh, or Lil Fat Fat, you know, but he has been amazing. We're so attached. Uh when he was born, we had like a small cleaning service, and so we would use the family to to to to clean. Uh, let me back up a little bit. So my wife has three children. Um, and so because my mother and father, we never had stepchildren, or we never, you know, everybody that comes to this house, your brother and sister, I never called them my stepchildren. You know, you're my son, and so we have we have Sharif, Shaheem, and Shereen, and Jordan, Kobe, and Bruce. And so those are my children. And so we treat them like that. So we had a cleaning company and all the kids, you know, we go clean these buildings. We had a contract with a good friend of mine. He owns a Jam Pro. And so um I would have Bruce, I would have Bruce on the front, and I'd have the back, the backpack vacuum on the back. And we're cleaning, you know. So I have pictures with with Bruce on Bruce on on the backpack and all those things. Um, and so it's it's it's you know, I'm just so attached. I just want to be present at everything. I want to be there. Uh I want to make sure that he understands, you know, the things that my father instilled to me at a young age. I want him to know that there's never gonna be a time where he's gonna be a fill alone, any all the things that I never felt. I just want to give him the same kind of upbringing that I had, you know, and I just want to make sure that this go round, uh things are done better, you know, on my on my part. And I got to control what I could control.

SPEAKER_02 40:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

And it it truly has pushed me to wake up every day and strive for greatness and be more intentional. Be more intentional about my interactions with people when I'm with him or without him, you know, being more intentional with the music that I listen to, being more intentional with the foods I eat, what I drink, all the things because he's watching.

SPEAKER_03 40:36

So, my big question here is you know, do you do you feel differently about raising a son versus raising a daughter?

SPEAKER_01 40:43

Like, and how would I say different? I I guess there is a difference. Um I was rough with my daughter. We wrestled, you know, we did. I don't, I don't maybe it wasn't a difference because especially me and Kobe, we we wrestled, we played, you know, she used in sports, like I I'm I'm more intentional about things because now that the maturity level has gotten, I'll be 50 next week. And so everybody said, Dang, you started over. Uh I always wanted to start over. Uh uh if if if if if uh if we go have a kid tomorrow, you know, uh, I wouldn't mind. But I don't think it's different. I believe each parent gets into a place, a phase in their life where you know they're better off, right? And so if the living conditions is better, if the if if the salary is different, you know, if the conditions are different, you learn from your past mistakes, you know, you learn from it all. Even my father has learned from it.

SPEAKER_04 41:57

Yeah. So um, Bruce, I think you were being so hard on yourself when you were talking about how you've always wanted to be like your dad, but uh you felt that you you could never be exactly like him, but you were absolutely your own man and you're magnificent. And uh thank you. Um yeah, I think uh I wanted to ask uh clearly you're you're very close to your parents, the whole family feels very, very close, very warm. But if it was just you and your dad having a smoke, having some cognac on the back porch, is there anything that you feel like you've always wanted to say to him that you you haven't had a chance to?

SPEAKER_01 43:00

My uh my mother has told me that you know, my dad has been saying things like, I don't have much time left on this earth. And she's he's having some medical issues. And so what my dad doesn't know is of course my mother and I and my and my brother was communicating. And so I asked my brother, I said, Brad, so what's going on with dad? And he was like, you know, I don't know. You know, he's he's he's still doing going 100 miles an hour, you know, he's still dad. Some of the things he's starting to say, you know, is kind of uh it's concerning, you know. Um so he said he's uh he said he's gonna come down here for for the birthday, and he flew by himself. And he doesn't, he doesn't, I I have a couple vehicles, and I was like, you know, daddy could use one of these. And I got a rental car, I got a rental car. So he pulls up to the house at about midnight and uh opened the door for him and just hugged him. And the mother in law suites right here, so he made sure he got in there. And I went laid in the bed and I just started crying, you know. Because I have no idea what life would be like without this man. And so while he was here, I just enjoyed our time and we just laughed and you know we had that the moment when we were by ourselves that he just tell me how pride it was of me and just keep pushing and all the things. And you know, and I'm looking at it and I'm like, dad, you know, I'm only I'm doing this because of you, right? And he said, No, you're not doing it because of me. He said, uh, you have a purpose here, and you just need to know that, and know that your mother and I are so proud of. And so uh he never shared with me, you know, any health concerns. He never he never said nothing to me about it. And I just hope and pray that his time here and the love that that my son and wife and I showed him fueled him, you know, so that he could be here for a long time. Because while he was here, my uh granddaughter had a birthday party uh that was supposed to be at the park, but for some reason they couldn't get to park and they asked if they could have the party here. It was unbeknownst to me that there was going to be uh horses and ponies and goats eating my grass. Still had a whole pet thing, and I had got a jumping castle, and uh my dad comes home and he gets right on the grill, you know, and he starts cooking for everybody, and I'm just watching him. Sorry, no, take your time out, and I'm just watching him. I'm like, this is this is where I get it from. And I think the next day, Bruce's birthday party, and you know, he's into soccer, so I thought my dad had just cooked for for my granddaughter's party. Yeah, it was unbeknownst to me that he had smoked ribs all night. So the next day, the next day, we're thinking we're finna have pizza and hot dogs and hamburgers at my son's party because it's kids. Yeah, my dad is my dad got five slabs of ribs for the grown-ups, my wife and baby potato salad, the baked beans. I'm like, what when did all this happen? You know, so we go to the party, and now I look out there and he's setting up the the net for uh for the kid, the boy, uh, because my son's whole soccer team came to the party, and my dad's setting the net up for them to play soccer. He's out here playing soccer with him, and you know, I just it's a I'm not saying it's a shame, you know, that I feel like I haven't spent enough time. But now that I'm aware, I think every waking moment of my free time is centered about thinking about my father. Like I'm really, really trying to get them to move here, uh, just so that we can have that time. I do know life isn't promise. I do know death and taxes is the only thing promised to us. I do know who the author and finisher of my faith is. I do, I do, I do. My father is a pastor, my father knows Jesus, my father is going to be just fine. But I am so terrified of not being able to have him to call. There was an incident yesterday with uh my son, my older son, Sharif. Now, the backstory is, you know, not my biological. And when another man comes in, you know, there's some disrespect that happens from the kid to the father that's not the father, you know, it's been years of that. But uh he asked his mom if if him and his family could come move in for a little bit. And, you know, my flesh, me, feeling the dis you know, remembering the disrespect and all the things, I was telling her, like, nah, call my dad. Yeah, my dad said, son, you even have that self-interest in you. He said, Dad is your son. Anytime any of my children need to come home, I don't care how old they are, they know they always have a place to stay.

SPEAKER_03 49:09

That's a blessing, man. It's really wonderful to hear the the love that you're offering and reflecting on your dad. And I'm I'm so glad that you recognize the gift while it's here.

SPEAKER_04 49:22

Yeah, and I feel blessed to just be able to hear what you've just shared. And thank you. Thank you. Yeah, and thank you to your dad too.

SPEAKER_03 49:33

Yeah, yeah. Bruce, I feel so bad to like leave you in tears, but like it, I hope they're happy ones, man.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

The tears of joy, man. They they really are. I I I I'm happy to get to express this and get this out so that I can be better for it.

SPEAKER_03 49:50

I am. Yeah, yeah. No, because I what I'm hearing from you, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but like I I'm hearing like gratitude. And that is that is such a wonderful, wonderful place to be. It leaves me reflecting on my own dad, really.

SPEAKER_00 50:09

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_03 50:21

We hope you enjoyed our conversation with Bruce Chandless. Sophia and I both want to go visit him in San Antonio. And if you want to learn more about Bruce and his work as a coach, mentor, and to find out more about the men's group he leads, check out the show notes.

SPEAKER_04 50:34

Yeah, thanks so much for joining us today. My first year as a father is an original Sophia Media production created by me, Sophia.

SPEAKER_03 50:45

This episode was produced by senior producer Gabby Watts with creative direction by Shireen Anderson, an original score by Nana Sumopoulos, and co-hosted by Sophia and myself, AC Valdez.

SPEAKER_04 50:57

Check out our website at SophiaMedia.co slash my first year for more episodes and other shows in the My First Year series. And for social links where you can join our online community.