Black Men Don’t Cry

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to another episode of the Black Killing Journals. We are your host. My name is Ashley.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

And Nikki B.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And today we'll be tackling the notion that black men can't cry. So, Nicholas, tell me, what do you think, what factors do you believe contribute to the belief that men, more specifically, African-American men shouldn't show their emotions?

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Let's start with a little history. It starts by generations. You know, it starts with great-granddaddy, you know, still workers, plant workers, factory workers, they're they were built to be tough, built to be manly, built to be no emotions. Like it starts there, then it just passed down generations. So your granddaddy taught your dad, and your dad taught you, and you're gonna teach your son. That's how it works. So it starts, it's a generation. So it starts back when people were sharecroppers. You know, you couldn't be soft to work in the field. You couldn't be soft to work in the factory. And it just started getting passed down through generations. I mean, it kind of lightened up, but it it starts with, you know, generationally. So but now it just everything is on social media, so if you cry, the whole world sees it, you know. So it it it starts generationally.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Okay. So let's fast forward to today's time. How young do you think that people are teaching like kids growing up nowadays that you know boys don't cry, men don't cry. And how do you think that affects them growing up, especially like childhood?

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Um well, let's let's put it like this kids can't be kids no more, you know. So that's that's for females and and and males. So you you don't have a a real error to be a child. So like you're by the time you hit six, you got a phone already. You don't have that innocence no more. Like you're completely not innocent no more. So your eyes have seen stuff you haven't seen, supposed to see. You ain't heard things you ain't supposed to heard. So you grow up at a young age, you're cussing at five, you know, five years of cussing now. You know, they got a telephone, they text them, they're doing all this other stuff. So I'm I'm gonna say around like I'm gonna say like six or seven, where oh, you need to be a man, you can't show emotions, or everybody's gonna see it. Or you can't be soft, or you can't be this. If you are, you you get bullied, or you get called names about you know, being gay or being, you know, it's just different stuff to be said about you because you're showing emotions, and it's gonna just travel through the internet or travel through the whole neighborhood and within a night. So I feel like, oh, you can't show emotions so early, and you know, like me, I I used to cry in class, but nobody would know because it was no social media or nobody was talking like that. But now if you cry in class or be or cry in the neighborhood or cry somewhere in public, it's over for you. So mentally you just get crushed early.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

And like I know with kids, especially not even just kids, but like any age group, like you know, you have parents, you have friend groups, you have social media, you have, you know, your work peers. How do you think those different dynamics can affect people or men when it comes to expressing their emotions on different things? Like, you know, you have your parents, you have your friend group, you have your work group, you have social media, the different influences. How do you feel like those different groups contribute to the notion that, you know, don't cry, don't be emotional, you know, men don't do stuff like that. How do you feel like those groups contribute to that notion?

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Well, I feel like this. So everybody is the main character in their own world. So everybody feels like the spotlights on them. Like in any like friend group, work group, everybody gonna feel like the spotlights on them. So no matter what's your role in a friend group or what's your role in the work group, you're gonna feel like you're the main character. So anything that that can affect you, it's it's gonna affect you. Like even though it's small or big, it's to you, it's big, you know? So, and everybody has an opinion. You know what I'm saying? So it depends on how their opinion is gonna affect you. It sometimes it shouldn't matter because it's their opinion. Everybody's gonna have an opinion about something. You're gonna have an opinion about something, they're gonna have an opinion about something. Might be the same, might be different. But it's it's gonna take a toll on you because you're gonna think like, oh, what I do is gonna really affect how other people think about me, how people see about me. So once you learn how to block out like the bullshit about what people say or how people think, it's about how it's really about how the main people think about you. So you do have your close, close friend group, you know what I'm saying? You do have your general friends, stuff like that. You know, everybody's not your friend. And that's that's another aspect too in itself, but who are your true friends and how they're gonna look at you? Like my friend group, I know my close friend group, I do care about what they think. And at the same time, I don't because yes, I care about that thing, but at the same time, it's it's my life. You know, some things I'm gonna do because that's all I want to do. You know, I can't really change my lifestyle because of your opinion. Like, I like if I like to go fishing, and you might say, oh man, that's an old man thing, you shouldn't go fishing, let's go to the club. Okay, that's something that brings me joy. And and that's how I express myself, that's how I release stress, stuff like that. So that's that's the main thing too. Like, you know, you have certain ways to express yourself or release stress, stuff like that, but what you enjoy, your friends might enjoy, or your work friends might enjoy, and they're like, oh man, don't do that. Do what we're doing. So you change your lifestyle with somebody else, and now you're living a fake lifestyle because you're trying to please another friend group or somebody you barely know or really don't care about you. And that's gonna play a toll on you too, because you're living a living a false reality, and you're not leaving your true self, and you just bitten, it's like it's like paint, it's like paint on the wall. You don't really remove the paint, you just paint over it. But after a while, it starts chipping away. And once it starts chipping away, you get them bare spots and it looks ugly on you.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Okay. So, in the mental health aspect, since we're the whole point of the podcast, is you know, healthier mental health, how do you think the stigma against men and their emotions can affect your mental well-being?

SPEAKER_01 7:31

It's it's it's gonna be draining. You know, it's it's draining. Like, like I always say, you have to understand that mental effects you're physical. So, like, mentally you feel like, oh, I'm not doing this, let me let me eat about it. Or I'm not gonna eat, or I'm not gonna work out, I gain weight, and stuff like that. So it puts you in a depression because you're not expressing yourself. Like, like I said before, like you're trying to live a false reality because you're trying to please other people, and you're not releasing that stress or expressing how you feel in your own way. Like you might be talking to somebody or you might do a certain kind of um a hobby, but because you think how you you feel like other people's opinions are gonna really uh fet you, your mental health just starts to dwindle down because you keep that stuff in. You don't stress yourself because you try to please other people.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

Okay, so do you think that I think more now social media, how do you think that affects because I know, you know, you see nowadays people are more like open towards men with their emotions, especially when it comes to like relationships and everything. You know, women want a man that's more emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, and more aware of their feelings. So how do you do you think it has it's moving towards a better direction now than it was, you know, years before?

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Uh I guess you can say that it's in a better direction because like I say, social media is an outlet to express yourself in the way you want to. Art, talking, music, stuff like that, but again, you're trying to please a crowd. You know, you live in that false reality through social media where you're just doing this to just to do it or try to get reactions from it. No, okay, some people be crying on camera and stuff like that, but why are you crying on camera? You know what I'm saying? You're just crying on, you're set up a camera just to cry to get a reaction out of people. So if you're really it's a if it's really emotions and you really try to express yourself, you can do it in private and not be it on social media and still get the get a better better reaction for yourself. You know what I'm saying? You're just trying to please the crowd. You're just trying to, oh, if I cry on camera, I get 10,000 followers. Or if I cry on camera and impress this girl, I I got feelings.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

You still ain't gonna get it. You still you're just gonna look a fool because you're trying to live, like like I say, live this false reality on a on a social media. And when you do that, you just like I say, you just been a layer of not knowing who you are. Like you're compressing your real true self. Because you're just doing stuff to for the for the camera. And social media is just it's good and bad. Like, this is social media where we're doing now to give, you know what I'm saying, give content about what mental health does to a person or how it affects the mental health on the person. But some people just usually just for fame, you know what I'm saying? No. So that's it. Steve Harvey said, I use my gift, I don't, I don't hide my gift from the world, you know what I'm saying? I I share my gift, but at the same time, I do it because people need it. Not just because I do it for attention or do it for for lights. People, people need my gift, you know what I'm saying? I'm gonna give the gift of laughter, I'm gonna get a gift of advice and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Yeah. Okay. So tell me about you personally, your experiences with, you know, emotions. Did growing up, was that ever like pushed on you like, oh, you know, you're a man, you don't cry, you don't show emotions, you don't, you know, you have to be a man. Men don't do certain things. So was that ever pressured? Put were you ever put was the pressure of that ever put on you as a child growing up? And do you think it's affected you to who you are today as a person?

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Of course. Of course. My whole childhood was to be tough, be a man and stuff like that. Because, like I said, I used to cry in class. Like that was my way of getting out of things was to cry. I didn't care what it was, I'm gonna cry. We got a report to do. I'm crying and going in the hallway. I don't care. But as I got older, I had one teacher, stop that soft shit. Miss Fullerwater. She said, Stop that soft shit. You too old for that. You know, so great. I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna I'm gonna cry. Yeah, I was I was too old for that shit. I was too old for that. I ain't gonna lie, I was. Uh I appreciate it, Miss Fullerwater. Um, but uh, I'm glad I hope you're doing okay, by the way. Um but yeah, um like I said, my mom is an emotional person. Like, you know what I'm saying? She she she's gonna express her feelings no matter what. My dad's side, concrete, you know what I'm saying? I can I probably see my my dad show emotions probably like three or four times since since I've been alive. No, one was probably twice it was at his parents' funeral. That's probably only time I see him cry. Or I see him argue, but raise his voice, but other than that, and show no emotions. Same thing for my whole side of my dad. They really don't show emotion. So that and I was really around him more. So that that kind of affected me, like, don't show emotion, you gotta be a man. But what really did it for me was my great-grandma died, and that's the person that raised my mom. And my mom broke down, she was a wreck. And I've got I've got who I think was like a cousin or uncle on my mom's side, she said, he said, you gotta be tough for your mom. You gotta be a man, can't show emotions in front of her. You show emotions, she's gonna show emotions. And when I heard that at a young age, I think probably like seven or eight, I heard that at a young age, I'm like, damn, I gotta be man for my mom. I can't show emotions. And then my brother went away, he got locked up, mother brother and sister. So I'm like, I turned from the younger child to the only child. I sometimes became the somehow became the man of the family because I had to go up quick, cuz for my mom and stuff like that. Because my parents were divorced. So me trying to take care of my mom, make sure she's okay, trying to be tough for her and stuff like that. So at a young age, I stopped showing emotions quick, cuz oh, just because this one person told me, be a man, don't show emotions, to take care of your mom, at the end it kind of triggered me. Well, okay, you need to take care of your mom now. You can't, you gotta be a man, can't show emotions. And from that point on, I'm like, no more crying, no more showing emotions. I never said I love you to anybody, or express kind of love. Because showing emotions was weak. You love somebody, you're weak. You cry, you're weak. You laugh too hard, you're weak. So it was just like, I was I was like concrete. If if you knew me growing up, I was a stonewall. Like from middle school until I got to like to 10th grade, stonewall, no emotions. And I kind of like like I said, I kind of isolated myself. Like, I ate lunch in the um in the hallway, ate lunch in the classroom, because I didn't want to be social because it's like to me, that was like showing emotions. Like I didn't want to be social because I can't be too talkative. Gotta be gotta be brick. You know what I'm saying? You talk, you're you're soft, you know? Keep it, keep it short and quick, spoke when talking to. That's the that's how it was. And that kind of fitted me until I got to college.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Okay. So what advice would you give to black men in today's society to you know, to try and break that notion? What do you think needs to happen to break the stigma that, you know, men can't be emotional?

SPEAKER_01 15:47

You that was again, you gotta know yourself. You gotta have self-awareness. Because, like I said, you're gonna you try to layer that different lifestyles on you that's not you, you just gonna hide your true identity. So once you truly know who you are, get a true self-awareness and like like fuck what other people think about you, unless it's like your true immediate family, your true friends, that's why they really like give a damn about you. Because you know, most people really don't give a damn about you. They got something to say about you, but they really don't care. They just talking shit. But like me, if I talk shit to you, it's not that I'm just talking shit. I really say, hey, get your shit together. You you like a miss, you're getting you getting fat, hey, getting in the gym, you know what I'm saying? It's like it's stuff like that. Like, that's what true friend is gonna say. It might sound like you're talking shit, but I really mean it, I care about you. And like people really haven't felt that in their in their inner circle. And that's why they run through social media trying to find, like, oh, who's gonna care about who's gonna say something first? And if you're gonna say something, oh, they get a reaction out of them and they just run with it. Oh, you said this, so let me let me go with what you said. Well, you don't even know this person, they just said something in the comments, being a troll. And you not really don't have that true circle to say, okay, you need to do this and do that, or hey, I'm worried about you, stuff like that. And you just lose, you lose yourself. So, like as a black man, we try to be the thug, we try to be the drug dealer, the scammer, and stuff like that. And that's not us. You you was you were raised in the suburbs. You're you're not a drug dealer, you're not, you're not a you're not a thug, you know what I'm saying? Your mom graduated from college, your dad got a good job, you come from a good neighborhood, come from a good family, but they get lost, they get lost in the world where they try to seek attention from other people that's not truly who they are. Like you don't see yourself and your friends. If you can't see yourself and your friend, you shouldn't be their your friend, shouldn't be their friend. And and they will get lost, you get it's a lot of people get killed, people in the jail because you're in a friend group that you don't belong in. You're in a circle you don't belong in. And this world is crazy where people don't give a damn about you that don't know you. So once you find that self-awareness, who you are, find your true friends, true circle. If you can't find your true friends, true circle, resort back to your family because those who truly love you are gonna feel gonna love you. You know, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So if your family is not there or you don't have any family, choose the right kind of friend group. Know who you are, and go from there and just see the right kind of attention, not the wrong attention.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Okay, and with that, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes another episode of the Black Keelan Journals. Please review and rate us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Instagram and subscribe to our YouTube channel. If you're looking for a place to meet people and talk to people who may be experiencing the same journey, you can also join our Facebook group, uh handles at the Black Keelan Journal. Until then, my name is Ashley.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

And I'm Nikki B.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

And this has been the Black Keyland Journalist, and I was remembering opening up about your mental health and the standard strength and nothing to next week.