Collateral Damage Pt.2

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Sounds dry.

SPEAKER_01 0:10

What's good everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Black Healing Journals. I am your host, Nikki B. Alongside me is Ashley.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

And we would also like to welcome back our guest host, Jamal.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Hey, how y'all doing? I'm back. All right now. Nice to see y'all again.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

All right. Um, this week's episode, we will be talking about how our parents' relationships can impact how we perceive and shoot to pursue well. So let's let's go and do our relationship statuses. Jamal, what is your current relationship?

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Currently, I have a girlfriend of this will be year number three in September. So it's time flies. Let me tell you something. Um, shout out to my baby, Ayala. We've been we met on Hinge, believe it or not. This is before it became trash. So like when it first came out. Yes, dude. This is when it first came out, when the intention was to delete the app, like the motto says. And the first date, I remember the first night we met, it was Rocky. Um, and then after that, it just I don't know, it just became a I guess she became a friend first, real quick, and then I felt like, you know, and then it just moved forward from there. It didn't happen fast, but it happened like I guess appropriate. It didn't feel like we were rushing. It just kind of felt right.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Natural.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Yeah. Loved it. Love to hear it.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Nick, are you currently involved with someone?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

I was singing like a Pringle, you know. Okay. I'm singing like a Pringle, you know, it's it's hard to really be in a dating scene for real nowadays. These streets are ugly. These motherfuckers really ain't shit nowadays. So it's it's really hard to really single out somebody that you really want and really pay attention to. And there's so many, so many damn distractions around here now. So it's it's so easy to be single now, and it's really hard to really find somebody for real. Uh what about you, Miss Lady?

SPEAKER_02 2:04

Recently single, I guess you can say.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

You're a little too happy about it.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

You're me, you're me too, trust me. It was it was an interesting three years in my life.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Ah, damn.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Yeah, you know, you know how that goes.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

I don't.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Well, you don't, but it was very traumatic, a very traumatic time period in my life.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Yeah, supposed to be you. Okay, then well I missed that step in life.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

Anyways, um attachment styles in relationships. Do you feel like well, start with Jamal? She's the only one that's in a relationship right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Go hold her down for teen couples.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Do you feel like you have a certain attachment style? Like even before you and your current girlfriend got together?

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Definitely. Physical touch. I don't mean that in the in the term of sex, like literally just hugs, touching terms of endearment like that. Because growing up, like I said, my parents were both like headstrong, old school. It's okay to get a little dirt in the elbow and suck it up. Crying is with pants type deal. So I think as I grew up, you didn't really have a lot of hugs in my family. Didn't even have a lot of high fives, things like that. Nothing that like, you know, like a kid needs. A kid needs a hug every like week or so after I get a good grade on my paper or something. Yeah, yeah. Hey mom, I got a hey, I want a hug, you know. But he just, you know, just getting a good job. That's what you're supposed to do. That's I mean, you're gonna lack for some because I think getting older and like not having that any type of physical touch, think about that, any type of not a whole lot of terms of endearment. I think Nathula kind of led me to my attachment style.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

Nick, do you think you have any? I know you're single, but do you feel like if you were ever looking for a girlfriend, do you feel like you would have like so like that's like for me, that's I went from like uh the baby child to the only child.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

So I think that the attachment for me is like really finding my friend. So like looking for like your counterpart, you really want to see yourself, not say you're complete, you're uh say replica of yourself, but you want to see somebody that's got a lot of similarities as you. And you like same jokes, same movies, same music. And I think like growing up, I really had that counterpart growing up. So that's kind of what I'm looking for for my next, for my next woman, stuff like that. So that that attachment being like really being my friend first, like him and his girl, him and Yana, they were became friends first, and then their relationship started kicked off. I think that's kind of like what I'm looking for. So far, like being a friend and being being an attachment, being that buddy buddy before we get really serious, it's like what I'm really looking for.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

I feel like with me, and I've had, I feel like I have so many, but I feel like my two biggest ones, like my first ever boyfriend I had when I was in high school, I'm a fixer. Like I feel like I have to fix people. So I always go for like one or daily, though. Don't start with me. I always feel like I have to like find someone that's just not all the way there, so I can feel like I have a purpose in being with them. So like if I know that you're broken, oh, I can help get you to a better place in life. Even like I've only had like two serious my whole entire 20, almost 26 years of life. My second boyfriend in college was the same way. I feel like I had to fix him, like he was just not at the best place in life. You know, his parents were divorced, didn't have a lot of siblings. Like, I feel like I had to be there for him at all times. If I wasn't serving a purpose, I didn't feel like it was a point in me being with you romantically. And like my last relationship, it was the complete opposite. I was needy when it came to him. Like I felt like he had to be there for me because it goes back to like my childhood where I didn't feel like I had that fulfillment emotionally. So like I was very dependent on him emotionally, mentally. Like I needed that to, I needed to feel like he was proud of me at all times. Like I hated that shit. So I felt like my attachment style is very, I need like the satisfaction that someone was proud of me at all times.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

So yeah, honestly, so so what are you when you fixed when you fixed that nigga? Well, what was next?

SPEAKER_02 6:05

I don't I never fixed them, so I would never know. I would never I mean I was still in high school though, so it was different.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

I was so what were you doing?

SPEAKER_02 6:14

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

You were just there?

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Yeah, what would you fix? I don't know. I think I was trying to fix myself and other people. Like in the previous episode, I thought about how my dad, I didn't have that father lead-daughter relationship, so I didn't really have him want to teach me how I should be treated as a person or a relationship. So like I was just going off anybody getting attention, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

So you you were trying to move yourself through his eyes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

Okay, yeah. And I don't I don't advise doing that at all. How's theory? Yeah. So yeah, I was my attachment style, I feel like is it's toxic. It's toxic, but I mean well.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

But like wow, okay. I think for me, another attachment style, um I guess it's like it's like very uh avoidant or dismissive. And I think having a relationship, I appreciate Yana in this is that she's she's a talker. So she'll if something's on her mind, she'll say it. If something feels if she feels some kind of way, she'll say it most of the time before I will. So like it's it's it'd be something simple, like Jamali loves to see that. I think growing up, I would be combative maybe two years ago. No, I didn't lean to see that. I'm probably blamed. That was Banks. He was here, he wasn't me, you know, or avoid having the conversation at all. Because I didn't, oh, she's sick that again or something like that. But I think having somebody like her who's very, if nothing else, she's patient. Patient with you that allows you to to grow and understand yourself and able to work out those things. So as you get to year three, now it's like, hey, Jamal, you left the toilet seat up. My bad. I didn't know. I don't, I don't remember. Maybe I was slogan, I was hot, I just forgot. And it's oh, let me go put it down and doesn't happen again. Or Jamal, can you do or just knowing things like, hey, can you I need something for lunch? And she doesn't know what she needs, she just knows she needs something for lunch. Being able to know what she likes and going to get it to help, you know, alleviate stress for on her end. Because, you know, if she's worrying about, let's say she's going to work, she's running late, and she has to worry about uh traffic and her job, she's a nerf. She has to worry about her patients and all that stuff, and I can just go on, well, I can just make life a little bit either and you know, pick her up a sandwich from Jimmy Job or something. Et cetera it. You know, just I guess little things like that, learning to run into the things that whatever's troubling us or whatever's going on, instead of trying to avoid it most of the time. I think I still I still have trouble with that. Because you know, there's still some conversations you're not ready to have, and you just try to wait until it's too late, fighting that attachment style through the physical touch and getting the hug. It's something warming about a hug. This there's has to be science behind it. Like a 20-second hug, it just feels good. You just feel you just feel at home. You just feel like nothing can go wrong. I think just having that, and I guess knowing that I'm safe with her, so I can say, I guess be vulnerable and not have to avoid the conversation so as much, if that makes sense. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Yeah. I feel like me too. Like, like you said, I'm a talker. Like I like to talk about my emotions, whether you want to hear it or not. And I feel like that's it's a good thing and a bad thing, even when I process my last relationship. Like, I'm a very pushy person emotional. Like, if I don't want to talk, then you should want to talk. Like, I don't like the whole, I'm not opening up. Like, he was not emotional, like at all. Talking about stuff was just not in his DNA. Like, if he had an issue, he was balling it up, but we were not talking about it. Like, it was not a conversation to be had, and that bugged me so much. So I'm like, if I want to talk, you should want to talk. And I would just like, we would get into arguments because he would just not want to open up to me. I'm just like, why not? Like, why are you not more emotional? Like, why are you just so closed off? And I hated that for the longest. I'm like, what's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Well, I can just I can I can answer that from a from a Mary aspect. Oh, yeah, for sure. So the reason this is it might not be for all guys, but uh but boom jordy, the reason is that we don't open up is that we don't want our emotions to be used against us. That's a big one.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

I understand that, but it's not like that with everybody, especially when I have to try to explain to him that I'm trying to be a safe space for you, and he still's like, nah, fuck this shit. Like it's just no conversation.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

But just like you got childhood trauma or past trauma, he might have it too. Oh, I do. The last girl I might been with, he would say, I told her this, and she told, and she told everybody in the school. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, it's shit like that. Like, I told her this and she used it back on me, you know, or I mean when she got married, I don't feel that. Yeah, so like it's it's hard for like some guys to really open up all the way in a relationship. Now I know if it's gonna be a the the last relationship.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

I understand that, but I don't feel like that's fair for the next person after that to have to have to deal with your last relationship.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

I mean, it's definitely not, but I think another thing is, and I mean, if you're a man, you you're raised, you know, suck that shit up. You gotta so you gotta just so you really know you go you go 28, 29, 26 years of life going through, suck that shit up, and then all of a sudden somebody that cares about you like, hey, talk about it, like talk about it, let's let's get them. I'd rather I'd rather the fuck not.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

That's how we go. Ain't for a break with not broke.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

That does it makes no sense to me because we were together for almost four years, and in this past year and a half we've broken up. He has opened up to me about more shit over the past year that we've not been together from our entire relationship. I'm just like, where was this the past three years we were together? And you wait till we break up to want to talk to me about stuff that makes no sense to me.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

I mean, wasn't that what your parents did? Uh not. It's too late. I mean, it's too late, but sometimes it's too late. Yeah, but she after that moment you realize, okay, maybe she was right, a couple things, maybe I can't trust her with this and that. But I don't know, four years.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

You should have been like, yeah, but you don't realize it's weird to it. You should have been like, This woman is solid enough. I'm two years in with her. I think I can say something.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Yeah, right. Why this is what this stage is for for the healing, healing process. Everybody can heal, everybody can hear something. You gotta be like, hey, yeah. When I watch Blind King, I cry.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

I mean, we've been together something.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Something some some scars last forever. Something has four years, dishes can't feel year two.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

We were living together, so I feel like at that yeah, but it's okay. I've healed, we worked past that.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

We're in the same house, yeah. I gotta know a little bit more about you. Yeah, yeah. You get the point, you see me on the toilet, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

I gotta know a little bit more about it. You see me on song, you know. Yeah, I got trust for you, but I ain't got to that point yet.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Okay, speaking of like trust and emotion, do y'all feel like the way y'all parents dynamic have that you do you feel like you have like emotional needs or like mental needs because of how your parents raised you, or how because their dynamic influenced you?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Emotional, yes. I think going back to the physical touch and the love language say, um, because you you don't have it as a kid growing up. Well, I mean, women have it growing up, but as a man, you don't have that because once again it's suck it up. So it's uh you lack that emotional just whole side, honestly. I was lucky because once again I had I was one of the older ones, so somebody had somebody had some come cry to somebody. So I was kind of lucky and understanding that hey, maybe, you know, being sad ain't so bad. You know, it's okay to be bad, you know, but outside of emotions, probably just how I talk to people, because I'm very respectful. I then got that from my parents. They weren't respectful to each other at times, but they always made sure that if they were in public, they would make sure, like public as in in front of the kids. If they were in front of us, they would always try to make sure, unless you know something happened, like somebody said something slick, you know. But most of the time they would try to be cordial and they would try to show like this is what a working household looks like. So I think um being able to see them work through everything, even after it gets nasty, but still be able to come back, and my mom still made dinner and they still go out back and talk and enjoy their adult time while we're in the house doing whatever we're doing. Um, seeing how they were able to come back around every time, and I think it works as well because my girlfriend, she comes from a true parent household too. So we can both talk about how they both went through because she had a same, the same issue, and she's the only child, she didn't have any nobody to talk to. So when they were going through it, when her parents were going through it real bad, she was just, you know, she just had to kind of take it to him. And then I think us both coming from those two-parent households and being able to see the really lows and then see how they can always come back and it's always a bounce back, it's always a rebound, it's always, you know, it's just it's always a new day. I think seeing that helped a lot, at least for me and her, I think. Um be in a relationship. So now if we don't argue that much, I don't like arguing at all. I think that's why I think that's the biggest thing that I learned from my parents. I don't like arguing at all. I don't like raising my voice, I don't like getting snappy, I don't like none of that. So when me and her only got into like once or twice so far. But when it gets really bad, I'm able to. I'm not doing this right now. Let's both take 30 seconds. I'm gonna go on back. I'm gonna hit this chick. You're gonna sit there, you're gonna do what you do, you're gonna drink your wine, you're gonna watch Bridgetton, and then we're gonna come back and we're gonna figure out what went wrong. We're gonna talk about it, we're gonna see how do we get better, and we move on from there. And it don't matter after that, after we talk about it. I think seeing that and seeing my parents able to once we figure it out, or once we talk, or once we understand that we're not going back to that point, wherever it is, we agree or disagree, or whatever it is, seeing how we still able to come back and make things work for the next day and the next day, and the next day, I think seeing that kind of definitely affected how I am now. What relationship? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

I know how that shit.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

You don't feel like you have emotional needs now?

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Emotional and okay, so like I said, both my parents' traits are strong in me, you know. So my dad's traits' traits are like strong, silent type, mom is emotional, needy, you know what I'm saying? Needy emotionally. So when it comes to my mom, she she wants love. She wants that black old school love that her great grandma had. You know what I'm saying? So like I said, her great grandma raised her, my great grandma raised her. So she had that idea of I want to be married with kids and a household. That's what she wanted, that was her dream. But she could never find love, like what she had my dad and stuff like that. So my dad, when they got divorced, came single, it was like, fuck it. It is what it is. If I'm gonna be single, I'm gonna be single, I'm gonna work and do what I gotta do. So seeing that and like having both their traits mentally, I grew up not really giving a damn about relationships, about being attached to anybody like that. But coming from my mom's side, like, damn, I need someone in my life. I need to talk to somebody, I need to hide this kind of love thing. But I think at one point as I got older, my dad's side just took over and like I'm just gonna, it is what it is. So like mentally, I just got like mentally I just shut off my emotions. And I think that kind of hindered me, like, progressing to life. Because you know, you need you need your emotions, you know, to make it through life. You need that love, you need to talk about it. But mentally, I would just a stone wall, like cut the shit off, you get through it matter no matter what, you know, so you survive this long, you can keep on, keep on surviving. So far like my parents raising me, like my mom, she taught me how to like express yourself, stuff like that, but I I could never see the love between neither one of them. Like, she was always looking for love. My dad, he just stopped caring. So like watching that trying to like, and that just sink into your mental as you're growing up, it just damn. I can really never really trust anybody to really find love because they couldn't figure it out and within the relationship or with any other relationships they have. So, like, do I really can can I really trust anybody else? Because if my parents can't do it, I know I can't do it. So that led you to trust issues, Drake voice? Absolutely. I I couldn't trust a motherfucker with a goddamn spoon and helping help him wash it. You know what I'm saying? Wash it, give me a spoon. I can't even trust you to do that. You're gonna give me a fork. That's that's that's in my mind. If I ask you for a spoon, you're gonna give me a fork. That's how I felt about everybody.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

So have you never had like a serious relationship?

SPEAKER_01 19:21

But that's that's what my mom's side comes. Like, I was looking, I was trying, but it's just the fact I always found something wrong in that relationship. So it's like it's always be like the little the little shit. I'm I'm the very detailed person. I'm I'm almost CD, very detailed. So if I find something that I don't like and I know you're not gonna try to fix it, I just fucking, you know what? Fuck it. I'm out. I I can't commit to this because it's something that I know can be hard for me to like, hard for me to get adjusted to like something that she did. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

Oh, okay. I mean I can I can compromise for certain things, but my way or the highway, basically.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

It was like that at first. Ain't gonna lie, it was like that. That's and that's like that that old school grandparent stuff, like my granddaddy on my dad's side, like, yeah, but what I say go for everybody. It doesn't matter if the wife, child, dog, you the fuck I say.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

You know what I'm saying? But in that situation, you know, social dynamics, you know, he's probably providing the house and the payroll and everything. So in that, yeah, you know, I get it.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

Yeah, he didn't like my grandma drives, all things she could do was cook, be in the house. So it's just like that that structure went up to my dad, and that went up to me. Like I was at carefree. Almost. Not carefree because he took care of the kid, but yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, it just it just if it wasn't like something that I truly can like commit to, or like this is what I like, you don't have no flaws, you don't have no no issues, I can I can deal with it, but it's all like that little nickpit shit that I felt like, damn, I can't commit to this. But also it's also like the trust issues where can I trust you with something, some vital information about myself. So I'm kind of person where I'm gonna let you talk. Like if we're like we're trying to talk and we're in dating and stuff like that, I'm gonna let you talk. Everything you gotta say out first. I'm gonna ingest it, find out what I can find about you, how I can really figure you out. But if I find something that's that's not in the DA DNA that I want to create for myself in our relationship, I'm just gonna not say tear it down, but I'm just gonna let it fade away. And uh I think that's mentally kind of fucked me up, emotionally fucked me up growing up, just seeing that from between my parents and stuff like that. Because like I said, it's mentally and emotional on both sides, it's just everlasting war.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Yeah. Well, I know for me, I've come to terms that I'm very emotionally needy in every kind of form that's possible. But like, I don't feel like it's from a bad place. So I just feel like, you know, like I said, growing up, like I did not have that emotional stability from. My parents, like even my mom, I know she tried her best, but like I knew it was only an avoidance kind of a love. I don't feel like it was a genuine kind of love. She's only doing that to protect me from her and my dad's issues. So even like with now, with my past relationship, I've realized how emotionally dependent I was on that man. If I'm sad, I'm going to him. If I'm happy, I'm going to him. If the littlest shit can happen, he's the first person I had to talk to to comfort me in some kind of way. Like I'm not good with being by myself emotionally. Like I have to have that. I have to have somebody that feels like they care about me to make myself feel better. Once he broke up, it was like the very traumatic for me. Because I'm like, damn, who do I go to now? Emotionally, mentally, because I was not coping well, like just not having anybody, I feel like. So that was a tough pill to swallow. Because I feel like, especially, I don't know how if guys do it, but I know with me and I guess some girls, we have like invested so much of myself emotionally into that relationship. So when I didn't have it anymore, it was like, damn, what what now? Like, how do I move on emotionally from I can't really?

SPEAKER_00 23:09

This is my first relationship. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

So so you yeah, I so why do women feel like they they invested invest more in a relationship compared to a man?

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Because I feel like women are more willing to give more from the jump. When we first started, not even dating, we first touched. We met when we were in college, he went to the citadel in Charleston. I was in Spartanburg. I was driving to come see him like every other weekend. We weren't even dating yet. Like I was invested. Like I was gonna put effort into making this work. I don't feel like guys put as much effort, they're not as invested emotionally. Oh, I think that maybe not. I just feel like y'all have to see a result to put effort into something. Girls are the complete opposite.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Okay, do you feel like you're a catch?

SPEAKER_02 23:57

Me? Yeah, like I'm pretty good.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Probably I feel like they're a catch. I I feel like that's that's the problem. That's really the problem.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Girls are the problem to have confidence in yourself.

SPEAKER_01 24:07

Because I feel like all women feel like catch, but I know I need work.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

Like I'm aware of my issues.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

You do.

SPEAKER_02 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

You do, right? But I'm saying this as in general, I feel like all women say they're the catch. When there are plenty of men out here, great men, that's really the catch.

SPEAKER_02 24:23

The guy said the same thing, though. What he was like that. I'm so great. You should be so lucky to be with me. Shit like he. You should.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

I mean, in most cases, the man is is the true catch over the woman. Well, woman should be.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

In what aspects though? Providing Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Listen, listen, look. I had I had this one instance where this young lady had a gathering in her house, and I met the grunt the uh the drunk auntie and she threatened to kill me. I mean, she was drunk, but the reason she got to that moment where she said, Oh, this is my this is my niece, she's a catch. You should be lucky to be with her. And I done look at her like so where the fuck am I? She don't know you though. I know, I understand that. But sometimes a man feels like, okay, I'm really a true catch to a female. Like a woman should be lucky to have me. And I feel like we get devalued sometimes because Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. You're not considered the catch. So we feel like shit. Okay, I'm gonna be shit then. And that's how like mentally we'd be like, okay, full of these hoes. If I'm not a catch to you, I'm just gonna be being these streaks, you know? I have to agree with that.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

What you mean?

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Hold on. I feel like to begin with, in 2025. I don't forget how to word this. I think maybe in 1995, 2005, the man was definitely more so the catch. But as Reagan and the government and the things that happened to black people over time started to happen, and the dynamic switched, and the household is not as strong, and women make more than men most of the time. Nowadays, I think, and the switch of for both genders, really. I don't need nobody, I can do this by myself. I made it this far, leading to sometimes what you said, like it's the smallest thing. I don't need it. Because you you're gonna find there's gonna be something wrong with everybody. I leave the toilet seat up. Sometimes I don't take shit serious, like that could blow somebody. Luckily, Yana has patience for me as I grow out of some of those things. But everybody has something, so you're gonna have to compromise, you're gonna have to compromise somewhere. And if you come in thinking, I'm the catch, no, I'm the catch. I'm the catch. No, I'm the catch. And now you're arguing about who's really who's the better, who's the prize here. That's what we're doing. Who's the prize? So if you're going, well, I'm the man of the relationship, I do this. Now, if you're providing, you're the catch. But if she's doing her part on her, and like let's say she's making your lunch, she's helping something stem like helping you haircut money, or giving you gas every now and again, or maybe looking out, just looking out the little stuff, making sure that you're straight, then maybe maybe she makes more money. Maybe she's the catch. I think having that understanding of we're going into this together, it's not like a it's not a who, it's a we. Like if I draft Kobe Brown in the first round and then draft LeBron in the second round, I'm not sitting here talking about who's who. Or if I listen to Drake first and then play Kendrick, I'm not saying who's the better rapper. I just listen to one before the other. I think it's the same thing. So, like, for example, Yana makes more than me right now. But at the same time, I know how I'm not dumb enough to leave because I know I have a good thing. It's the same thing with her. She might be like, oh, I make more money than him, but he cares. He does this, he does this, he does that. Like, she went home, she left, she went to on her vacation with her girls or whatever for her girl for her girlfriend's birthday. Shout out to my Gemini twin. And while she was gone, I was just like, you know what'd be nice if she came home to a clean house.

SPEAKER_02 28:21

Now it's a good man right there.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

I know how it feels to come home to a clean house because I like coming home to a clean house. So I think having it's just little just being considered, shit like that. I think that kind of stuff, I guess just understanding that it's a team. It's a team. Like it might be 50-40 one day, it might be 90-10 another day, it might be 50-50 one day, you know, it might be 100-100. You never know. So it's just leaving as a whole, not you, but like as a whole, from black men and women, like leaving the whole I'm the prize line of thinking, and more of more so of what can you do to make me better, instead of you should be happy I'm here because this is who I am, this is what I do for you. You feel me? More of what can we do to grow instead of I'm here to help, I'm here to do this for you. You should be lucky that I'm even here. Like, my presence is a blessing type shit.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Yeah. And I think I was saying it as a way of like, sometimes you you can kill a man's confidence and I believe that. Yeah, yeah, that's that's how I was kind of like trying to say, like, the answer coming to me, like, okay, you should be happy to be with her. Like, she's she's yeah, you you ain't shit. I like, oh okay. I mean, I bring something to the table too, you know. So I I feel that's that's what I was trying to say, but I totally agree with you though. Mm-hmm. I agree with that.

SPEAKER_02 29:37

And in that aspect, well, I guess for Jamal mostly, do you feel like your relationship contributes to uh positive mental health, or you think it definitely helps or adds to it?

SPEAKER_00 29:48

Yeah, definitely positive. If you knew me before I uh I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues, like I'm not gonna say I was like severely depressed or anything like that, but I would I deal with some certain form of depression, always in my head, fuck the world type shit. You know, always I was always outgoing, but I wouldn't, there was nowhere to let it out or lean on, or I would end up bleeding on my friends, or it would come out in really extreme ways. Bleeding is not literally bleeding, but yeah, you know, um, or having it come out in just really bad ways. But I think since having Yana, it's another way to just went, you know, sun is still shining. You feel me? Like she's still here, or she you have you have a road dog, so to speak. So in my case, I can't speak for everybody else. But in my case, I have a road dog, so to speak. So it's not like so. It's like I can be feeling bad, and I can come in, and she can be sitting on the couch, and she can just be sitting there and just it's a I don't know, she just looked, just looked at me and smiled, and you just kind of know that it's okay. I don't like I can go and I just look or it's like you can just be playing video. It's like men have a way of wanting you around, but not wanting you around. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Like, I want her around, and that and I love that, but sometimes it's just like I can't explain it, but it's like having her around even when I don't want her around, it definitely helps. So let's say, like, even if I don't want to be around anybody, having her like, I don't know, on her phone while I play video games or something like that. Just something simple, just having her there, and like, okay, you still have it goes against what I'm thinking up here. Because you know, your mom plays tricks on you, so I could be feeling like, man, this fuck everybody, fuck this like that. But you know, she ain't going nowhere yet. She's still here. You gonna talk to her in like 45 minutes, because like, what the fuck? But you know, the sister here. She don't let you slip. She don't well, she don't let me slip. She don't let me get too deep in my thoughts. She don't let me get to that point no more.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

Yeah, I feel like that, I didn't like that.

SPEAKER_02 31:49

How did you feel about it? Do you feel like do you see yourself pursuing relationships the next couple years? You just are you working on yourself still? Do you I mean I mean I'll be out here.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

I mean, you the work on yourself is never gonna stop. But um I felt like in the future of being in a relationship, yes, I'm at the I'm at the age where for for me, I have to get to that next level. I can't stay in the same, you know what I'm saying? We're talking about being down. I can't I can't stay on level 22 and I still gotta get level 50. And I've been on level 22 for damn three or four years. You know what I'm saying? I gotta elevate to that to that top level. So I feel like in order to get to that top level, and where you're gonna be in life, you gotta give that relationship, you gotta find that something other that can really support you, have that system. Like you said, like you wanna say fuck the world and just be by yourself, but just have somebody there is like, okay, you can get your ass up and do something, you know what I'm saying? Like just like mump around. And I and I feel like that's that's like that's the main thing. Like, that's that motivation that a person needs, is having that that person in your corner that's always gonna be in your corner no matter what. It's like it's like Rocky. Well, what's Apollo and Apollo and Rocky, you know? If if Rocky not there, Apollo getting his ass whooped, you know what I'm saying? I mean, Acrylo, A Creed getting his ass whooped. You know what I'm saying? So it's just like having that trainer, that personal trainer, that person in your ear that your conscious in human form, you know what I'm saying? Like having that somebody that's like, okay, you got it. It's a bad, it's a shady day, but I got you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That it's just support. So definitely in the next, in the near future, I'm looking for that too. Okay, that's a good thing. He's looking for a woman. He's looking for a woman, y'all.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

Well, I hope that uh help you you find that. I feel like where I'm at now personally in my life, I'm not, I'm not looking.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

You definitely fuck these niggas hard now.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

Yeah, not like not that far, but I'm I'm healing. I feel like I'm figuring myself out without having a nigga around.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Learning yourself.

SPEAKER_02 33:45

Yeah, I learned it myself. I feel like I've done the work to realize how I want to be loved, how I want to be treated. I'm not gonna force that shit no more. I feel like I've been forcing it for the longest. I want to be like natural, healthy, loving. I'm not looking. I want him to come find me.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

What's for you will come to you. Hey, that was a whole R, by the way. Nigger Nigger.

SPEAKER_02 34:10

All right. We have any uh personal advice to close out this episode, the listeners out there.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

Um if you're in a relationship, unless that woman is toxic or that man is toxic and bringing you down more than they're picking you up, stick to it. Keep talking, figure it out. It's not worth it out here. I've heard. I'm fine. I'll be seeing it from my single friends. What you have is a whole lot better than once out here on the streets. I'm telling you, I've seen the horror stories of them. And if you see them trying, don't give up on them. I think that's the biggest thing. A lot of people be like, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying this. You see me doing this, but um, you know, they go, You're not doing this fast enough. Don't don't give up on them. Don't give up. They're not hurting you in any kind of way, and you see they're trying, stick to it. It's gonna come, it's is it'll I promise you, it'll work out and it'll be for the better.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

I think my biggest advice would be to have patience. I feel like you can get very far with a significant other if you had the right patience for the right situations. And don't always lose yourself in a relationship. It's still a team, but still remember who you are individually as a person.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

Okay, yes. It was a colorful person in relationship, recently out of relationship, person that's been a single, single. It's I want to say it's it's never too late. You know, some people think like older you get, like, okay, I never found love, or being a relationship is not not just for me, you know what I'm saying? But I feel like you have to give it a try. No matter like the past or how you feel mentally or emotionally, giving giving it uh one try can go a long way to like finding the true love you that you need or the person that you need. It might be for the season or it might be forever, but it's gonna be a it's gonna be a lesson that you need in life, you know, just to find that love or the person you talk to and stuff like that. But that's what I'm realize now. So that that's uh I I preach self-awareness emotionally and mentally. So you once you find yourself who you are as a person, okay, you can stop nitpicking other people. Okay. Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you. And I realize that now. So if you sing out there and you feel like yes, I can never find the right person, look at yourself, look in the mirror. Because the problem you see somebody else is the problem you exist in within yourself. So once you figure that out, get love a chance, take it a long way.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes another episode of The Black Killer Journals. I'm your host, Ashley.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Nikki B. I'm Jamal.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

And uh be back next week for our next episode on friendships and how they can affect your mental health. Be sure to rate and uh review us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. And you can also follow us on social media: Facebook, Instagram, all handles at the BlackKey and Journals, and always remember your mental health is a sign up strength and not. We will see you next week.