Mental Impact of Breakups

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Sound strike.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Welcome back to another episode of the Black Healing Journals. We are your host, Ashley.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

And Nikki B.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

And today we'll be discussing the topic of coping with breakups. So, Nicholas, tell me, have you ever been heartbroken, my friend? Or experienced heartbreak?

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Yes, I have. I have. It wasn't a like true relationship though, but a girl did break my heart, my sweet little heart.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Talk about that. What what what uh give me a second? What one day? Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Okay. I'm over it.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

What went down? What happened?

SPEAKER_02 0:46

Uh, of course, like every origin story, it starts as a kid. You know? Eighth grade prom at the end. So I'm in Atlanta. It's time for the eighth grade prom end of the school year. What the end of the school year? It's it's round the time. This girl, she was a tr she moved from Miami. Her nickname was Miami. You know, we call her Miami. But she she got killed back and stuff. She was not the brightest. I ain't gonna say I want to say, but she was not the brightest. So it's I wasn't going to prom at all. You know, I'm antisocial, didn't want to go, none of that stuff like that. So I didn't have my mindset to go. So this girl out of nowhere, she said, hey, we were in class, stuff like that. I want to go to prom with you. I looked around like, who the fuck you talking to? You talking to me? You don't want to say you don't say shit to me. How you gonna go to prom with me? She said, so for like a week straight, she saying, Oh, yeah, I'm going to prom, we're going to prom together. You know what I'm saying? I ain't playing with you, we're going to prom together. So at the time, my mom worked at the school. So she even went to the point and told my mom Oh, I'm going to prom with your son. But I didn't I didn't know she did it. So she did it like without me knowing. So the school is out. I'm getting in the car. Mom looked at me like, say, you wasn't considering me going to prom? I'm like, I mean, of course I didn't say it to my mom, but like, mom, what the fuck you talking about? Who the fuck going to platform for? Ain't nobody going to a goddamn prom. So I'm like, the fuck she talking about? I'm confused like a motherfucker. And she, that's it. Uh, a little girl named Miami said she, y'all going to prom together. I'm like, this motherfucking news to me. I ain't fucking no. So again, so the next day, the whole school knows we go on the prom together. Like the whole class. Oh, you and Miami going to well, I like, I I guess. I don't fucking know. I ain't got no haircut, I ain't got none of this shit. So I had to go get a damn suit. Well, they got a goddamn suit. So they're goddamn prom.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

I took my after goddamn KNG, got a motherfucker suit on sale, all black with a red, red interior.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Oh, you're gonna be a nice look, right? You was me.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

I'm a motherfucking shark. Shark. And I was I was a choby fuck back then too. So I was I was sucking it in, all that shit, you know. Got a haircut, fresh skin. You know, I didn't get no fade, none of that shit like that. And I was lame. So goddamn, you know, getting ready for the prom and stuff like that. I'm nervous like a motherfucker. I was like, breathing heavy, breathing heavy. I was a bit boy, so I started to sweat. So we trying to go, mom said, um, you're not gonna give her no flowers. I'm like, fuck you getting flowers for.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

It's a dance.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Yeah, this is my first time. I didn't even fuck know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

I didn't ask her out. She said we was going. It was no communication of like asking, oh yes, I would love to go. No, we're going together.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

It's a nice gesture, nigga.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Okay, I got I got the damn flowers. Okay. Got the I got the fucking flowers. I got a rose. I got like two roses. I had to pay my own money. My mom's just gonna do that shit. Until nah, baby, you gotta pay for that shit. Why the fuck you tell me to go get it, eh? So I bought it, bought two roses, took them at the public, got a roses. So I get there. Well, for some reason, we never talked about picking each other up, meeting up somewhere, what time we're gonna get there, none of that. Like a motherfucker, right? So we got them, I get there. My mom's a chaperone at the damn drum. So that's a little foreshadow. So I I get out there, pick my jacket on, button my motherfucker up, and I hit that pimp walk down the steps, ready to go, locked and loaded, hit the corner, looking for her. Can't find her. So I just wait. There did another round. Let me let's see if she's here. So this time I was going around the crowd. So this time I went through the crowd and I see this little trifling motherfucker holding hands with another nigga walking through the prom. This nigga name was Daryl. Fuck you, Daryl. So these this nigga, I ain't a nigga was clean though. A nigga had a damn had a damn off white suit with a pink. A little touch of pink on that motherfucker. I'm like, oh that motherfucker crispy now. I ain't gonna hate on that. You know, I ain't no hate her for real. But hold this nigga hand the whole time. They going around the whole damn sheet, holding his hand, socializing, like, yeah, this is my date. I'm like, hmm, help her. You goddamn health her. And and think about what made it worse, she did not acknowledge me at all. Like at all. Like she literally walked past me with this nigga, and he looked at me. Like he made, I can't tell with me. I'm like, nigga. I'm like, nigga, you just gonna, you know, we the same, like literally, we all in the same class, like literally in the same class, like everyday same class. Right, nigga, you was in the club when she said she was going with me. So how the fuck you with her? So that that that kind of fucked me up. But like I said, my mom's a chaperone there. So she sees the whole thing go down. Like she's in the corner, like I don't fucking, I'm trying to hold it together. So I got a roses, broke the roses, put in the trash can. Like I said, she sees the whole thing. And then she said, You gonna take pictures? Oh little dog, we're like in the fucking mood to take pictures, really, mama. At this motherfucking time and day, you can cry. No. Nah, I'm on my feelings hurt. I'm in this hot ass suit, sweating bullets, then lost someone with a goddamn suit and these roses, and I gotta take these pictures. Now, if you go back to my house and see the pictures I took, oh, you can see it on my face.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

I had to see those one day.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

See it on my face. I was a fucking sick ass puppy. I'm I'm like shaking little motherfucking.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

And then funny, but it's it's funny.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

Oh, I was traumatized ever since then. I was in the I just sat in the corner. I didn't even sit, I just sit in the corner of my hands in my pocket, underneath, like underneath the steps, like in the shadows. Rest of the night until like started at fucking sits and shit lower than nine, whole three hours in the corner. So ever since then, I never really had trust.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

That's what did it for you?

SPEAKER_02 6:37

Oh. Did it.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Did it. That the origin story starts right there. I'm the Joker. The origin story of the Joker, that's me. That that's what happened to me. So every then, that I got my heart broken. Ever since then, heart been on ice like Raw already safe.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I hate that for you, everybody do. Um, okay, so that was eighth grade, so let's let's fast forward to adult nick, college nick.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Ain't no fast forward. That shit, that shit was a sign sitting in the liver, Stevie Wonder.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

No, I was saying like after going something like so traumatizing like that, how did you how did you um go about relationships as you got older?

SPEAKER_02 7:12

Um, as I got older, I realized I would have had this feeling in like deep down, so like these females ain't shit before we even go any further. You ain't shit. So you're assuming before Don't you all assume we're gonna get there?

SPEAKER_01 7:24

So we're not gonna get there.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Exactly. Y'all assume before anything else. Y'all assume when y'all wake up. Did I wake up today? I assume so. But yeah, I did. I'd assume why all women shink. I know most women ain't shit.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Off of an eighth grade prom.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

First of all, she was older than me. Older than everybody. Up then. It's not my fault. She's slow. She got killed back, not me. Stop that. We're not even doing that. She was fucking, she was supposed to be in like 10th grade. She was still in eighth grade.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

So therefore, she was already mentally further than me anyway.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Like, oh damn.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Like she she knew what she was doing. Like, she's she's more mature than me already. Like, she was like full body, like, body's mature, mind mature, all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

So Yeah, that was kind of fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Have an older woman, well, older girl, do that to me. I'm like, okay, all I need to know.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

Yeah. I think mine was uh my first ever so-called boyfriend that I have now was in like 10th grade. That nigga was um a year older than me. I don't know why I would date niggas older than me. Just if I don't know. You're supposed to. Not technically. Most women do. Most women do, yeah. But anyway, I started young. I was in like ninth grade. He was going on to 11, so like I was up there. You know, he graduated uh high school, whatever. And then he left to go to the what National Guard? National Guard. So we were dating, and he left, and we were still somewhat so-called dating after the fact, even though he wasn't there no more. So come to find out, his ex-girlfriend before me now, which is some older chick that have no idea who she is, ended up messaging me on like kick. You know, we had kick, kick was my shit. I got a lot of trouble on kick, but um got a lot of news on to keep.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Um randomly. She messaged me asking like on some real hostile shit. Like, why are you and his name is it was or is he's not dead, he is Daekwan. So um, why are you and Daquan still messaging? Blah blah blah. I'm like, girl, we're we're in a relationship. Like, what are you talking about? And she was like, No, cuz this me and this nigga still be fucking around and blah blah blah. So mine just made his home, and I had no idea. Like, he's been home this entire time. I'm thinking he's away and like training and shit like that. So I'm like, what are you talking about? Anyway, so get to the bottom of it, and they're like, this nigga telling her that they're in a whole ass relationship together. I'm like, but that's my nigga too, so I'm confused what the fuck you're talking about. And he was she was like, No, we're together, and I'm about to have his baby, we're gonna have a family, you're just fucking everything up. I'm like, baby, the bitch is pregnant now with his child. Mind you, I'm in 10th grade going through all this shit. What are you talking about right now? So, like that shit was like traumatizing as I don't even know what. Cause I'm just like, I didn't ask you want to be with me. I don't get I don't get when niggas do shit like that. If you pursue me, you chase me, and then you still fuck around. Like, what is the why y'all do that? What is the point of wasting people's time?

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Oh no, I'm not a nigga.

SPEAKER_01 10:27

Which you have niggas friends that I'm sure do with.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

So what's the question?

SPEAKER_01 10:32

What's your what's for why why people niggas pursue relationships just to still cheat? Like, I don't understand that concept, that mental thought process. What is the point of that?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

History lesson. All right, so I don't know if people really know this or not, but we're really, as Americans, we're the really the only group of people that has one partner, so-called, and like to be married to. You go like Africa or other countries, they have like multiple mistress, multiple women. I mean, it's it's what it is. Like, some people, some people say, Oh, yeah, you're not meant to be just for one. According to the Anim Kingdom, men are supposed to have multiple women, multiple people that they can bear their child. So I that's that's an anthem kingdom. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 11:17

We're not animals. I mean, we are. God damn it, we are. We are, but like, I feel like if you get to a certain age, who has the mental capacity to entertain more than one person?

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Okay, but look at what how old you were. You was in fucking 10th grade. It's it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

I know, but like That was it.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

As you get older, I as I said before, as you get older, shit changes. Okay, you want to be okay. I don't try to do all this shit no more. I ain't got time to entertain all these people. But if you're young enough and you got time for it, you're gonna fucking do it. And don't act like you motherfuckers don't do the same shit.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

I can't speak for everybody. I knocked speak for myself. I don't do the shit. I have friends I know who have done it multiple times, yes, but me, I cannot do it. I'm too okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

Well, just like you say, you gotta speak for them then, god damn it.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

Okay, I mean, it's the same thing for like niggas though. People get bored, people need to tell me, people are needy in toxic ways. Like, I've had friends that have like multiple niggas, like, you know, they say now you should like date around, you know, go on dates, but I can't do shit like that because I have to have my attention span is not wide enough to to mess with more than one person. I can't do it. But some people can. They like shit like that.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

Okay, that's that's you. Just like every girl goes to the club every Friday, Friday through Saturday through Sunday, they get free drinks from 10 different niggas.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Pretty privileged.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

We all got all fucked up all week. We have we have sad, we are sad, food free, liquor free, club free, everything got damn free.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Cause niggas do shit like that. Y'all think with y'all dick, think y'all's gonna get y'all some shit. That's that's y'all think we're coochie.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

No, come on, no, no, so y'all don't use ass and coochie to get what y'all want to do.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

I don't give as and coochie the good shit that I get.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

It's every girl done twerk to get a free drink. Every girl done twerk to get a dollar. Just a shining for a little piece of change. Everybody done did it.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I guess. But back to the the topic of breakups. How do you like the stages of a post-breakup, how do you think that can affect you?

SPEAKER_02 13:21

I mean, it it depends how invested you were. Did you did you give more than the other person or did they give you a lot and you just couldn't couldn't take it? So it depends on what the level of maturity or the the space you're in, the time to break up. I mean, I know it's been times where I'd have had like relationships where it's like, damn, it kind of ended like damn this. She could have been a one or something like that, and it just completely ended. But you always wonder. I think the main thing is about what it could have been, it's always in the back of your head. When it comes to like post, you know what I'm saying, post-breakup and stuff like that. Like, okay, we could have been together for like another five years, could have had kids, we could have built something together, house, stuff like that. I think that's real really kind of like when we like sit down, like reflect on what could have happened, that kind of what breaks people down the most. Like, okay, damn, that could have been, it could have been something, but now I'm beating myself up every day of like could've been I could have did something to make it work, or maybe I should have treated her or said something different. So I think that's that's probably the most stressful thing to overcome is the what could have been phase.

SPEAKER_03 14:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

I think once you get past that, you can kind of like, okay, besides what could have been what happened, you know, what she do, what I do, I can unapprove some of that. Yeah, it starts, it starts from there though.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

I know with my uh my current ex when we broke up, I was I was going through it. Like the the postbreaker was that shit was rough. Like I cause we was one, we still living together. So two was like super weird. And like the way this nigga broke up with me was just like the most childish ass shit. Like, I anytime anybody asks me this threat, it just pisses me off so bad. Cause like, you know how you can just feel sometimes when the threatship is just ending, like you can just tell something's off. Like, I just felt like it was off. And I access me, and like, you know, if you want to take a break, I'll go back home. You know, our lease was ending. I'm like, I can go back home. We can separate, have your space. You know, I was I was mentally in a space where I have accepted that we were not in a good place anymore. Like I was already in that headspace of we're not gonna be together. Nigga was like, no, I don't want you to leave, I want to work it out. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Right? Renew the lease. Literally, two weeks after we signed the lease, he breaks up with me. I was like, nigga, I just asked you this shit two weeks ago, a month ago. Like I was mentally ready to let you go. And you're like, no, don't go nowhere. And after the fact, he's like, Oh, I don't want you no more. So I feel like after we broke up, it was like a I went from like a I hate you to I'm upset to what did I do wrong? To uh like angry, guilt, sad, like it was a cycle. Like I was going through like a cycle on a regular basis. Like I even now, when we talk every so now, like he'll trigger me with like little shit, and like it'll I'll go back into a cycle. I'm just I just ponder and rethink back on shit. And it's just like I just don't get what was the point? Like you wasted my time. Like I asked you the first time you didn't want shit, and you said that you wanted to work it out, but the second that we got more committed, it was like, oh nah, never mind. I take it back.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

I don't know. You know, you know how sometimes you you want some up in the microwave and it's not all the way warm through, you know what I'm saying, in the middle. But you know, you feel back in the microwave and it shit get too hot.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

That's how men kind of figure shit out. Like, it's not okay, it's not always warm. Yeah, let me feel back in the microwave and see how long can it can it go for it get full to explode. But you take the motherfucker out, it's too hot. Like, damn, I can't eat this shit. But that's that's I gotta put this shit away until it cooled down. So I like that's how men think sometimes, like, it should get too hot too quick.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

But this is your own fault. Like, it was so bad to the point like he was talking about like engagement houses, like shit. Like, like he was giving me this idea in my head that shit was going further than what it was.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Broken premises, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

And like even I feel like after we broke up, I felt like he's he's very like, you know, man, y'all y'all struggle with y'all more shit sometimes. So I feel like after we broke up, and we were, like I said, still living together. So, like if it was still like in our face on a regular basis, I won't talk shit out and like just get some kind of clarity or closure or something, you know, nothing. I don't want to talk about it. We're gonna talk about this. I'm like, nigga, you broke up with me and I'm still stuck with you. We're gonna talk about this shit whether you want to or not. Like, we're gonna talk about it. Like, even like after the fact, he would say shit like just to hurt me, like intentionally, so I would just stop bringing it up. Even now, he'll be like, tell me, oh, you know, I never I was never in love with you for real. I was like, nigga, we weren't together for almost four years. Well, how do you say some shit like that to me?

SPEAKER_02 18:19

I always say your feet stink or something, like, yeah, yeah, I can't do it. You you fucking up the sheets. I mean, I mean, it'd be some crazy shit. I ain't but I ain't gonna say nothing like nothing like that, though. That's that's kind of harsh.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Right. I'm like, damn, nigga. Like, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I still feel we had a good relationship. At least I thought we did, but shit, maybe not. And then even I told him this and talks that we had, I feel like, well, not well, it's better now, but I questioned myself so much more, like from a personal standpoint, like after we broke up, compared to when I was before we were together. Cause he knew before the fact that I was already like struggling, like you know, with self-esteem and shit like that. Like he knew that I was not all the way together. So I feel like even after the fact, it's like it fucked me up more because it's like, nigga, I I put my all into you and you just abandoned me. So that kind of fucked me up mentally. I'm not gonna lie to you.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Cause it's like, why even try again at that point? Like you like you said before, like, what's the point? I gave all this effort into somebody and it went nowhere.

SPEAKER_02 19:18

So it's like it just got too hot. You got too hot.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I I guess. So why do you think? I guess my next question would be emotionally, do you think men prefer just like talking stages and not so serious commitments versus being in an actual relationship with somebody?

SPEAKER_02 19:36

I think the main thing is knowing the definition of dating. Like dating is not being in a relationship. Like dating is you're dating to find somebody. Like, okay, if I'm dating, I mean I'm I'm the same mostly with people to find a find that one person. And when you find that one person, then you're in a relationship. But a lot of people like confuse dating in relationship. Like, just cause we're dating don't mean we're together. And that's what people get get confused. We might be dating, but I'm trying to figure out who you are. Okay, we're going out to eat. We might have sex or something like that, but yeah, but we're not committed anything committed. And people kind of confuse that. Like for men, most men know what they want. Okay, I'm I'm just I'm just fucking around, I'm just weighing on my options. As a man, like I said, in our culture, in America, you gotta choose more women. That's that's what society wants you to choose more women. But it's kind of hard when you got fucking when it's 10 women to one man, you know. So it's kind of hard to say, I want this girl, then tomorrow I'm gonna see another girl, then two more days, a girl DM me. It's kind of so it's kinda hard to say, okay, um committee is one girl when I got all these options.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Yeah. But I feel like with guys For some men, for some men.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

I ain't I ain't speaking for all men, for some men.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

I feel like with certain situations though, y'all would just prefer to just date, period. Y'all don't y'all don't ever get to the point where oh, I want to settle down.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

Again, like I keep saying, it's the stage in that person's life.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

Yeah, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 21:09

Like if you're in your 20s, like especially you're fucking from 18 to fucking 25, you're hopping everything that lose. Come here. But but you get a person that's in this like 27 going to their 30s, okay. Now I'm I'm actually dating to find somebody. You know what I'm saying? I'm dating to okay, I done I done did my fun, I did my dirt, let me settle down. Now I'm dating to find somebody. But then I'm just fucking around. So you got fucking around, dating, relationship.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yeah, but I feel like at the same time though, I mean girls do it too, because I've not done it before, that we're not always honest about what exactly we're looking for, what exactly we're doing. Cause like, dude, I was messing with around a couple months ago just told me, Oh, you know, we're gonna be together, blah, blah, blah. Knowing damn well all you want was some ass. Like, you could just say that just we could have made shit what it was, but like, I don't understand why people lie to. Keep people around knowing good and what they don't want them around just for their own benefits.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

I mean, but most of the time, y'all really don't fucking listen though.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

What?

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Y'all always ask the question, what are we?

SPEAKER_01 22:12

And we deserve to know. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_02 22:15

When a man says I'm chilling. That's what the fuck we're doing. We're fucking chilling. We're chilling. We're not doing. We don't want shit right now.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Then say that. We just I'm chilling versus I don't want to think of two different ways to communicate that.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

First of all, Steve Harvey did a whole fucking book, two fucking movies, and y'all still ask the same fucking question. Think like a fucking man. If I say I'm chilling.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

I don't like that shit neither.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Huh?

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Y'all don't like when girls act like a nigga.

SPEAKER_02 22:47

Well, y'all do before we do. Y'all are y'all the true niggas. Eve it up for everybody. She ate the apple.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

I had nothing. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

If she started all this bullshit, she don't listen. She was hard-headed. But don't act like women are not more clear.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

I never said that. I feel like women are more honest though about what they want.

SPEAKER_02 23:07

Okay. Like I like I say, like it's it's a known fact that a woman might get confronted by a man probably like 10 times a day. Compared to a man, he might shoot 10 times, but won't get two responses. You know what I'm saying? Compared to y'all, y'all just walk out the door, I got 20 niggas on my tail right now. I gotta fight them off. Compared to a man, we're fighting for our life. You know, we're trying to find something. We're trying to survive in these streets. Y'all good. And like I said, y'all bigger players than us. Y'all just don't want to admit it. Y'all wanna pick on a man saying that, oh, y'all some whores. Y'all just think what I dig. Y'all just want one thing. Man, what the fuck do y'all want? I want a man with money.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 23:46

I want I want to I want a big dip nigga. I want a man with a goddamn bent lift.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Not every girl. I want a man with a house.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

I want to get fluid out. Not every girl with that. All you want was a tent-piece and the goddamn and the iced tea. That's all we want. That's all we need's attention. We didn't want to watch a movie.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Really? Like you said in the last episode, you gotta find that like-minded person that you can just put.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

And it's hard, that's that's why I say you got a date. But to y'all, we're being whores. Cause we can't.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Ah, it's not about being whores. I think it's just a communication thing at the end of the day. Yeah, y'all don't y'all not the best communicators at the time.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

Okay, so let me ask you this. Can you be with in a relationship with our phobinal first?

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Yes. That's how I got my first uh last place. We were together before we had sex. My first boyfriend in high school, we were together. I didn't lose my reading till I was in college. So I mean that was.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

See how that worked out.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Wow. Because you do it, view somebody that you haven't fucked with, yet you haven't had actual sex with?

SPEAKER_02 24:45

No.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Why?

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Because it's a part of the relationship. Relations. Root word of the goddamn relationship. Relations. What is relationship?

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Is that a deal breaker for you? That you have like if you're interested in somebody, like in the it's what if she don't want to though, but you like her, like generally like her, but she don't have sex.

SPEAKER_02 25:05

It's sometimes it's it's it depends on the guy. You know, a guy that's like I can wait for it. She's worth it. If she's worth it, she gotta be worth it though. And that's a lot of things, like people, okay. I'm I'm saying to myself, are you worth it though? What about she was worth me waiting for you?

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Or why do you feel obligated? You have to have sex with her before the fact.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

I mean, I'm not obligated.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

But I mean, you seem like, why do you feel like you have to know that part of her before you commit to her?

SPEAKER_02 25:32

I just I just said it. You don't don't you listen? And that's your problem. I just say relationships, the root roar of relationship is relations.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

I get that part.

SPEAKER_02 25:39

Like it's the main thing about showing your affection is by being intimate. In most cases by being intimate. You know, so I can't really say I love you without saying, okay, hey, this is my way to say I love you, girl.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

You that's not the same as you're gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

You get me going.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

Niggas can fuck somebody they don't give a fuck about for real. And you know that.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

Of course. Everybody got the dog in them. Everybody got the dog in them.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

Female dogs hump too.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

Okay. Anyway, so um fast forward to now in your your dating or non-dating process. Do you ever question your self-worth after like a talking stage goes bad or you realize that oh this girl's really not it for me or anything like that?

SPEAKER_02 26:20

I mean, of course you're gonna do a self-reflection, but after a short period of time, like, I'm that nigga. I mean, all people should feel like that anyway. You know what I'm saying? I'm that nigga. I know I can I know I'll bring to the table. You know what I'm saying? I know I can, if I really let you, I know I can teach you something. I can give you life skills, I can provide for you, shit like that. That's that's me as a man. You know what I'm saying? I know I consider myself as a man. You know, some people say, uh yeah, I'm I'm just a guy, I'm just I'm just a nigga out here in these streets. I can say something. I can provide for a woman that I can teach you other things. If we have kids, I can provide for the kids, I can give a home, stuff like that. But knowing my self-worth after like a fair relationship, I don't I don't I don't think too much about it because in most cases it wasn't meant to be. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, like I said, you gotta go with the flow of the universe. Like the universe doesn't want y'all to be together. You can't always fight against the universe. You know what I'm saying? It's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. So, like, okay, you might not be right for that person, but the next person you meet might be the one. That was like before I said, people here for a reason, some people here for a season. But that season is to help you grow. And once you find that reason to be with somebody, it's the reason for them to be in your life, and then okay, then that's just your person. But some people just here for a season. You gotta you gotta accept that sometimes. Like, people don't want to accept it and try to go deep into it. Like, why you wanna be with me?

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Yeah, that was me.

SPEAKER_02 27:43

I'm stressing out, I'm not eating. Um, I'm I I'm anemic. I I got a little iron. I am anemic, that's not funny.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

But go to stuff. That was neither. I'm not even gonna, I feel like it's different for girls, though. So I feel like not all the time, but most of the time, we are way more emotionally and mentally invested when it comes to relationships.

unknown 28:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

I think most of the time. So, like even with me, like my example, like I was that girl, like I was like questioned, like, why don't you want to be with me? Blah blah blah blah blah. Like shit, like like I was it was rough. But I feel like now I finally accepted that you know the shit just is not meant to be. And I and I feel like I questioned myself for so long, like even up till now a little bit now recently. But I had to come turn, like, it's not, it's not you. Cause you know, I I did my best. I tried. I I put the effort into it, I did the best I could, and nigga, it's it's you. You're the problem. You're the problem. It's not making it good. So I just feel like sometimes it's hard to get to that point of accepting, like, oh damn, it's just not, it's just not meant to be.

SPEAKER_02 28:47

You know, it's that then and the true test is that you don't react immediately if they say something to you. Like if they say something crazy to you, you don't react. You think about it, that's how you know you hear grown as a person. Like, okay, my first reaction is not to cuss your ass out and cut you.

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:02

Like most of y'all do.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Yeah. Not cutting, but I will curse your ass out though.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

That is my first reaction.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

Y'all want to break fucking PlayStations and delete 2K accounts and shit. Yeah, but once you if they crazy something crazy to you and you think about what they said and not react, yeah, thing before you react, that's how you know grown as a person. That's knowing yourself worse. You know, say, okay, yeah. You said this shit, but okay, I'll think about it. Uh tomorrow, I'm on your ass. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna come with rebuttal and you can get all 52 pages as well, then rebuttal.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

That was that was me. So I know that when I found out, because when we were still living together after I just moved out, I found this nigga was was dating other people like six months after the fact. I'm like, you just told me you don't want to be in a relationship, but you out here taking other bitches on dates. Like when I found out I went like batshit crazy. Like I was throwing shit, like fucking yelling and screaming, like this nigga on the date, and I knew he was on a date, and I've caught nigga 32 times in a row. I did not give a fuck. No remorse whatsoever. Cause you're not gonna play with me like I'm stupid. Like you just watch your ass. No, it's not about blocking, but you just told me, Oh, I'm no, I don't want a relationship, I don't want the the mental the mental stress of being with somebody, but you're going on dates with random bitches that you're meeting off Instagram. So yes, I'm gonna lose my shit. Cause nigga, what?

SPEAKER_02 30:20

I just told you. I just told you, look, that's how people don't listen. I just told you what happened. Like I told you, y'all walk out the door, y'all get 32 DMs, y'all get 10 niggas on your tail falling around on the mall, stuff like that. We shoot 10 shots.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

It don't matter. He had me, he ain't nobody else.

SPEAKER_02 30:38

We shoot two shots. We might get two back. But it's no telling when we get that two back. So when he said, Yeah, let's work it out, oh get it, let's believe then what it was, a month later? A month later, that shot came back.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

But if that was the case, he should have just told me that shit.

SPEAKER_02 30:53

Because you can't predict when a motherfucker says, Hey, I'll give you a try. You can't predict that. No man can. That's why we do it.

SPEAKER_01 31:00

Oh, okay. I don't know. No comment. We're part two is coming. We'll do a part two.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Part two.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Part two.

SPEAKER_02 31:07

I could dispose the truth for you, trifling motherfuckers.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

Part two is coming because I got a lot more to say. But anyway, advice. I will. Advice, Nicholas.

SPEAKER_02 31:16

And I need facts.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Okay. Ouch. I agree with some facts. Advice on coping post-breakups.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

Well, like I say, know the difference between dating and relationship. You know, one person might be dating you and one person might be in a relationship. You know, nobody's on the same record. So yeah, we just dating, we just fucking around. But to you, we're in a relationship. You know, so I think that's that's the main problem of communication where we're not not saying everyone on the same page. So yeah, I mean, once you understand between dating and relationship, you can go farther than what you thought you can do with somebody else. Once you get past that milestone of where we at compared to where where you think we at, yeah, you can cope with a lot of shit that y'all are going through next year.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, is another episode of the Black Killing Journals. Please be sure to come back next week for part two. We are your host, Ashley and Nikki B. And be sure to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. You can also follow us on Instagram and join our Facebook group, all at the Black Killing Journals. And we will see you next week.