Building or Breaking?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Soundstrike. Welcome back to another episode of the Black Killer Journals. We're your host, Ashley.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

And Nikki B. And back with us is Molly Maul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice to be here again. And we'll continue. I talked from last week about relationships. So this is part two.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Yeah, I think Watson, we left off having a discussion between dating and actually being in a legitimate relationship.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Like I said before, dating and being in a relationship is totally two different things. Dating, the definition of dating is look for somebody to be in a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

What definition? Never mind.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Being in a relationship is okay, y'all, boyfriend, girlfriend, y'all are a thing. But when you're dating, you're looking for that special person. You're looking testing out the market. That's dating. Just because you go on a date doesn't mean you're on a relationship the first date. And a lot of people get that confused. The first date doesn't make y'all in a relationship. The date leads to the relationship. Thank you. You're trying to date people. You're testing the market. So you might date two or three people within a month to see what you try to do. You know what I'm saying? Now it doesn't make you a whore or you know what I'm saying, loose loosey-goosey. You're just looking for that person. You know what I'm saying? It might take to date two or three people to find that this person. You know what I'm saying? So that's the difference between dating and relationship.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

So a question for you. So when you and your girlfriend were pre-relationship stays, quote unquote dating other people too?

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Dating other people? We were in a relationship state. When we said we were locking it in, no. But up until that point, um, three weeks before we got serious, when I was like, yeah, she's the one locking it in. But how many how many dates did I go on before you got? Oh, we went on a lot. Okay. We went on a lot. But it was nothing of okay, at the first day wasn't say we're not listening, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Uh so that's I never said that. I'm insane. But he just said, were you also taking other girls on dates when you were like still dating her? Hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Taking other girls on Well, I don't count. I guess I'm with you. If I'm dating, I'm not in a relationship. So you're just I guess talking to other people, then yeah, up until she's the one. Yeah. See, because you're you're trying to say that if I'm with a guy, we're dating.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

If we're in a relationship, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Date is not a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

That you date somebody that you're in a relationship with. They're not, no?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Look, look at what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

We're dating. Okay, we might go on a couple of dates, but we're not in relationship. We're still trying to figure each other out. That's date. Okay. Relationship, okay. We're locked in. You, my girl, I'm your boy. You know what I'm saying? I'm your man. You know what I'm saying? That's that's a relationship. Dating, yeah. You're trying to get to that point.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Okay, well.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

A lot of women say, okay, after the first date in relationship, no, we're not. I think I use slow your role. I think I use talking.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Yeah, I think talking would be a better word.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Oh, watch it.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

I'll talk to a lot of people at more than one time, but not dating someone more than one, multiple people at the same time. I'll talk to multiple guys, but not like, oh.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

I think that's work. I think talking is just like a made-up phrase that our generation is dating. I think we just use a made-up word for dating. I'm talking, I'm talking to 10 guys.

unknown 3:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Damn.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Not like that.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

But okay, I I want to date well two or three girls within a month, month or two. That's that's not as bad of talking to 10 guys for the last three months. What if she says I'm talking to two or three guys? Ten guys is extreme. That sounds bad for anybody. Most girls, dude, they are talking to 10. I mean, 10 people for anybody who's two years, too. Strip a nerd.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah, you did. But anyway, more in the relationship aspect as far as like codependency. Um, is that something that you ever dealt with in your present relationship? Were you in past relationships?

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Um, present, I'm alone. Because sometimes we got to a point where it's at a point now where it's like, it's like I'm directionally challenged. I suck at driving. Not driving, but like suck at getting places. You know, banks. I get lost a lot. So I think I'm very dependent on if she's in the car with me, she knows we're gone. I don't listen to the GPS, listen to her. Or like going to sleep. Sometimes if I I going to bed by myself, sometimes sleeping alone. That's kind of that's hard to do. At this point now, you're just so used to it. So I get a little stuff like that. You need a you need a thigh on your thigh. You know what I'm saying? That feet touching feet. So yeah. Oh, that's cute. It's cute as hell. Just adorable.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Anyway, so do you feel like your minor codependency affects your your mental?

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Oh not really. Maybe she's either way, a little anxious, raising, while she's safe, that type of deal. But I don't think nothing outside of the the standard boyfriend stuff.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

I know with with me, my past relationship, I was like very traumatically codependent. In the worst ways possible. Well, I think it's mine because it it circles back again too to like how I grew up and like he gave me so much attention that I like thrived off of it. So it's like when I wasn't getting it, it was like I was like stressed out and my anxiety was like thinking all this weird shit, like why doesn't he love me? You know how you know how girls get, but like Yeah. I think um I think it's harder on girls sometimes too, because like I know, especially with me, like I didn't have that that like other figure either.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Now she might have a difference since you asked her about coming to Panacy, she might have a totally different like depend like emotionally, mentally.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

I was very dependent on him just being around me 24-7. I don't know how bad it was till after we broke up. I'm like, damn, I'm not used to being by myself like at all. Like it was a weird way to to cope with being by myself after we broke up. Sound like I used to depend on him for so much little shit, and not having him around was like a it's like culture shock, I think.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

So so when when did it kick in for you though? That the day after or two weeks.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

Did I knew how bad I was depending on him? It was a couple months because after we broke up, we were still living together up until a couple weeks ago. So I think after like I moved out of our our room together, we were living like roommates, and I realized like, damn, I'm not used to thinking by myself, I'm not used to not talking to him, I'm not used to like it really hit me hard. Like things I'm like, damn, I just need something, like a little fix, and I just wasn't getting it, and it was not okay. I think it hit even harder too once I moved out because, like, damn, now I really can't call him for little shit because we don't live together anymore.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

So I was what's the little shit like?

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Just simple shit, like open us up for me, like take my cool at the dryer. Like, you know, straight he used to do it for me all the time just because he would, just to make me feel better. But it's like now I have to be independent and do shit by myself.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Yeah, okay. You gotta open your own boat uh jar of people's stuff.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

Yeah, it's a rough out here. It was a rough out here.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Take out your own trash.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

It's so ghetto. So ghetto. So Nick, I know you're not currently in a relationship, but have you ever not even with relationships, just like even maybe with friends or family, have you ever experienced that whole codependency aspect?

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Well, yeah. I mean, actually, I can I can talk about with another person. About I think it's like for me, it's it's the little shit as well. So little shit for me is like saying good morning in the morning. You know what I'm saying? Like that. Good morning test, you don't think it it means nothing until you don't get it no more. So, like have either they test you first or you test them. That's having that person to say, okay, good morning, and start your day. You know, you don't get that good morning test, it doesn't really start your day. So that kind of affected me a little bit. Uh, mentally, my day's not started yet because I don't get that good morning test. Absolutely. Yeah, so I don't know. It don't matter if we're not really dating or just just talking, it was just that just having somebody say good morning. You know what I'm saying? Get your day started. Okay. Your mom used to do that, your parents used to do that, like, good morning, baby. How you know how you feeling this morning? Start up on the right side. Yeah, you know, that it's just that that greeting, that good greeting in the morning is get your day started. You think that had any impact on mental health? It depends on what kind of day I'm having. You know, if I'm if I'm off to a rough start, you know, that good morning, like, okay, hope you have a good day. You got it. I'll say, okay, I can I can push through a little bit. You can give me something to work towards too. But if not, it's just okay, down. I'm gonna go on through the motion a little bit. Just got a little motivation. I gotta find my motivation on my own.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

So Yeah, like that was a big thing for me too. Like, even when I finally got my own place, like motivating myself to do simple stuff was like, it was a process for me. Because like he was like also like a big like supportive aspect in my life, I feel like. So like not even having that, it's like, damn, do I have the the motivation to do just little shit? Cause I don't have that like supportive person like getting me the the push I need, like that was also kind of hard too till I realized that.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

So what's little? I know you said like sleeping, but what other little stuff that gets you going? Um, no bullshit. Is she like away for too long? So like she takes a lot of trips. So like she just went on vacation for like a week. So if it's longer than like, or like when she did travel nursing, or when she travels, so like she's gonna fly most at a time. Like after like first week is cool, you're gonna go by yourself, you know, play the game. Can't worry about nothing, you know, leave the seat up for a couple days. So that's like week two and a half. It's like, all right, now what? Back seven. It's like that movie cast away, you can just count the day down. All right, it's day 75. My girlfriend. I've made myself soup today. Like we know how to use these seasonals. What is what are onions good for? Please help. Please help. Yeah, it's stuff like that. And I guess on a slightly more serious front, like you know, I've had like depression and stuff like that from way back when so I think having her around has definitely I guess subdued a lot of that. Just having someone that's kind of even Steven while I go up and down. That matters, that matters.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Yeah, so as far as like um, I know we're talking about dependency, but what do you think are some some patterns that come with that dependency? Because I know with me, like I told you last episode, I'm a I'm a fixer. Like I like to, like, that's my my toxic. But it comes from a good place though, but it's still kind of toxic. Like I like to fix people. I feel like they're like broken. I want to help fix whatever I can. So I think that's uh my biggest pattern when it comes to my dependency. Because that's what I did a lot with my last relationship. Like I was trying to fix him like emotionally, because he just was not very closed off mentally, emotionally. I was trying to be that outlet, but he just was not on for it. So definitely a fixer, and I'm real pushy, real pushy. You have any of those with your own relationship?

SPEAKER_00 11:35

I don't think so. I don't think so. Nothing. I can't like I don't know. I guess maybe overbearing every now and again. That's about one. How so overbearing, but you know, an overbearing person though. I'm not, but like just I don't know. I guess any like poor brother's always asking what you're doing. Oh or something like that. Guess looking back now, maybe I just call it being annoying, you know. What you doing? What you doing now? What you doing now? Like a child, you like a little bit of yeah, like yeah, I just what you doing now? Or she's like cooking, I just go there and just watch her cook or something like that. Just the other airboat your ass. No, no, no, fucking when I'm in the kitchen. I guess some form of like clinginess, I guess. Not over there, more clingy, I guess, sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

I'm very clingy. I have no shame in it whatsoever either. Like I know my uh like boundaries was a was a big problem that we had because like I wanted to be under him like every second, like every day that he was home. He's like, you have to give me my time to decompress. I'm like, but I need attention. So it's like I just had no sense of no sense of boundaries whatsoever to like if I got it eventually, but I mean sort by then. But after like now thinking back on it, I realized like how needy I was, even when he needed his own like personal space. I didn't care. So I'm like, I need I need attention to something.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

Yeah, I think I got a problem too. I'm I wanna say it's a problem, but I need my time to I need I need my time for myself. Like first day after work, I I look here. Back your ass up. Oh, yeah. It's it's even with a phone call, like girl. I I just gotta work. I am not trying to talk to you right now. Yeah, let me take a shit, let me take a shower, let me take a nap if I need to, then I'll talk to you. Let me get the day out of me. But you know, yeah, let me get it. Let me get a day out of me. I gotta home home. I gotta get the home.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

My thing, my biggest thing with that is y'all don't always communicate that though, in the best kind of ways. Like y'all just go ghost without saying shit sometimes. And then expect us to be like, oh, you probably just need these time for yourself without ever saying this is what I mean. Can I just have this time in myself? I just go off the grid. Don't say y'all don't, because y'all do okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

I ain't saying we don't, but like, man, we're simple. We have a routine. We really damn near do the same thing every day. As far as like how we uh process shit throughout the day, how we come back home and try to get stuff together. We try to really pretty much do the same shit every day. So, like I said, if a guy gotta come home, sit outside, sit in his car, go smoke, sit on the couch and just take a nap. We gotta do something to get ourselves together so we can deal with, I guess, our regular life outside of work or something like that, or the outside the day. So we gotta do something like to get our mental right. Yeah, I was definitely the type to sit in the car for the extra 15 minutes. Yeah, I do this shit. I don't have nobody at home to like, okay, then I gotta get ready to go in the house. But I ought to sit in the car for like 10 minutes, like, okay, what am I gonna do when I get in the house? Let me get my my routine ready to go. So when I walk in the house, I can get it going. But women, you just you're in the house waiting for me to come in, like, I need to do this first. I need to take a second. Either you're living together or you just you want for me to call you, you're trying to call me, I'm like, okay, give me 30 minutes, I'll give you a call back. Like, don't worry, it's like it's simple. It's some real simple shit.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

But it's also even more simple to communicate that. I feel like men in relationships don't always have the best communication skills.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

I I think we do, but we did we're kind of kind of BS creatures. We say that shit one time, we just hope you get it the first time. That's that's what it is. If we show you the first time, tell you the first time, we just hope you remember, and y'all don't. No.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Yeah, yeah, that's the problem.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

We do assume. Okay, we're assuming that you would get it. We assume it.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

And some people can't, like when you slow like me, you can't always assume everything. Because I know even with like with me, like he would tell me that he needed space and I would get it, but it's like you have to tell me every time you need space. But if you don't tell me, I'm not gonna, it's not gonna click in my head. It's like, oh, let me leave him alone. He's got off work. That's not gonna, my brain's not gonna process it.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

No, that's the day five. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

I mean, yeah, I get it, but it's like every time.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

I that's I try to tell you every time. That was it, like, men's like men, we're we're simple. We do the same thing every day. I try to tell you every day I need 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

But for example, though, like he would need his his decompressed like time, you know, and I would give it to him. But like when he would be in his little needy mood that he would need my attention, he would always like push it. Like he wouldn't care if I needed my my time and myself, but God forbid, if I don't give him his face for 15 minutes, the whole World War IV in a stitch. Like, I feel like that's selfish though.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

I mean for us, we don't need that every we don't need to be needy every day. You know what I'm saying? Compared to women being needed every day. So if we do need to be needy, okay, it's it's a reason I need to be needy. I need you right now. I need I need you right now. I need this to happen right now. But for you, you just won't be needy just cuz.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Not just cuz you want to be on a need for it. Sometimes it's because I really do need it, but I just feel like sometimes, well, in my experience, if if I need it, he can tell me no, and it's okay, but God forbid I tell him no to the world. Like when I need my space.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

I mean, that's uh because we're on two different mental mental paths, probably saying try to be needy. We we're not as that's we're not as needy as much in certain situations. But we need a need to be needy, okay. You need your hands on that. Well, we be there for you. We're there for you every day. Like I said, I know we know out of five days. Let me get one. Let me get one day to be needy. I guess. I'm somewhere in the middle of both of y'all. I don't know where exactly. I kind of agree with both of y'all there. Give me my cell.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Wow. No. He's on the side of good mental.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

I kind of agree with both of you guys. He's on the side of logic.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

That is logic. I just had a very logical point. Very valid point there.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

We should put a poll up underneath this motherfucker.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

We can.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Who is right? And the third option can be I'm like Jamal. I agree with both of you guys.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

But also, I feel like, uh, like I was saying with even now while I was saying like after we post breakup and the dependency issue, like my the way my mental health like just took a downfall after the fact was like I didn't realize how much you can depend on somebody. And then when not there, it was like, what's the point now? Like I was really at a real like low point after we broke up. So I'm like, damn, I'm so used to like four years for nothing.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Not for nothing.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

And so it was like even with like self-esteem, like I was telling one of my homegirls this other day, like I felt like I I feel like I question myself so much more now. Like, cause it's like he just left me for nothing. So now it made me question, like, oh, what's wrong with me, or what didn't I do? And and stuff like that. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

It's well that's I always say that's that's a that could be a good or bad thing, but sometimes it's a good thing to try to step back and realize what would happen. So if it was me, what what can I fear if it wasn't me? I don't know. Before I got into a relationship, I've come to terms with that one day this person can just wake up and not feel the same. And so I was like, I don't I I feel how I listen to next Charlotte and the guy to somebody, they were like, it's just all an experience. Just lucky, you're blessed to experience this person forever long you experience it. And when you take it that way, and just like I'm here for the ride, I'm not like not saying like you bullshit the relationship, nothing like that, but where you just understand, like I love you and you love me. And for right now, this is where we're at. And I'm okay with whenever that day comes, if it ever comes, and they go, Oh, I don't love you no more. Because I think thing like that, like it'll it'll I should've messed you up.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

You'll be it does because just I know I keep going bad, but it's I'm still dealing with it. So like even now, like we we had to have a little like uh closure talks. And like I said, we were together for almost four years, and he told me oh he told me that like he knew for like the at least the past the last year and a half we were together, he did not want to be with me.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

Ouch.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

And so I'm just sitting here like, how do you have the balls to sit here and tell me that after we've been together for that long?

SPEAKER_00 20:23

Last year and a half?

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah, he told me that he just kind of emotionally checked out for a while now. He just was too scared to tell me. I'm just like, so you rather waste my time because you're scared to hurt my feelings and just keep dragging me along, thinking that I'm thinking shit is good now. I'm thinking like we are good, like things are going great.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

And he just so let me ask you this. So what would have been worse? Him just out of blue, say I'm not not a little useful.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

I think I would have dealt with that better than what I'm dealing with it now.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah, low-key. Okay, low-key.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Maybe not like not better, but I think I could have handled it better.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

But telling me, like, hey, I've been thinking about this for a while. And the the while's been a week instead of thinking about this for a while. A year and a half. Oh, anniversary. Yeah, I mean, I I was too nervous. I'm kind of in the midst because maybe get the feeling about maybe. Yeah, like at least it's tripping. I feel like your niece, you do you feel like that for a year, you're trying to make it work.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

I feel like fine, but I feel like even in the talks that we had, he's like, he's even told me that he don't he doesn't think that he ever was meet for real. And I'm like, well, damn, nigga, that shit hurt. Cause I'm like, I don't understand like the mental part of it. Cause he was like, I was trying not to hurt you. I'm like, how do you think that you telling me this now was not was better than you just ending it?

SPEAKER_00 21:46

The delivery could have been better. Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Yeah, he was like, I care about you, no doubt, but I don't love you like you love me.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

I said, Oh, thanks for I think for me it's it's it like that up. Like out of nowhere feeling. Yeah, it's kind of hurt me worse than just okay. I've been feeling this for a while. I could take that better than okay. Today I don't like you ass anymore. I'll finally do. That would he that would kind of hurt me more than okay. After a while, I've been thinking about this for a while.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Yeah, like that was a real, like a real myth.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

I would say I would just I would have said that better than just out of them. I'm trying to think which one are the like from a mental standpoint now.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

What would you rather? Because I know I told him that I would have rather him just ended it when he to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

I don't think it matters because my reaction to both is gonna be the same. Yeah, it's gonna be I think that out of nowhere it's gonna kill me. It's gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

I think that dragging it that drag, and then like I told you just though, like when I when we renewed our list together, like I I could tell that it was not like he was not there. And I asked him a month before we knew our list together. I was like, if you want to leave, I'll go back home. We can you can have your space, we can like break up. Like I was mentally at a place where I was accepting that we were done. And then he was like, No, don't leave. I want to work it out. Two weeks later after we didn't release, he was like, nah, it's not it.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

This out of nowhere. Two weeks later, this out of nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Especially when I asked you.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

If you didn't tell me, let's see what I was mentally ready to let you go. Let's see, I brought it up, you know. I would say that opportunity, okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

You still reeled me back in just to break up with me two weeks after the fact. Like, what nonsense is that? Like, I'm still not healed from that. Like it's gonna take me a while. I'm just like way too hot. Cause I'm just like, I don't understand. And then you talking about like engagements and houses, like we were like legitimately planning like for big relationship shit prior just for you to say that shit to me.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Hey man, three years ago, you thinking like that though?

SPEAKER_01 23:44

You would think so. And they have nerd to get mad. Like, you really wasted four years of my life. Like, how would you say that? I'm like, Cause you did.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

I want to say waste. I don't call it a way. If you go four years of college, it's a waste.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

I mean, it's not a I mean okay, waste is not a good word.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

I won't say that's a waste.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

That's that's that's because I didn't know something. I learned a lot about myself in the process, but I feel like that last at least that last year definitely could have I feel like he could have handled that a lot better than he did, but it is what it is, you know.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Horses don't stop fish. Oh fuck it shit happens, fuck it shit happens, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

Okay, so let's talk about like recovery. It's not recovery, maybe it's not a good word, but like how do you get over it? Get over yeah, how do you get over it?

SPEAKER_00 24:27

I play some music, uh I take a shower, and then roll me up some gas. And then I just put all my feelings in there. But to be honest, real for real. I do what I saw, I call it the Beyoncé rule. I saw Beyonce talking about it one day, and she was like, no matter what happens, the matter situation, I give my day, I get my I give myself 24 to 48 hours to let it out, cry, eat ice cream, do all that shit. After those 48 hours are up, we gotta keep moving. Because life keeps going. I'm not gonna just sit here and you know worry about you know what happened in the past or so on. At least that's what I do. Um, or I go talk to somebody, you know, go out, do something fun. Just get my mind off. But most it's hard to just listen to music and just see what happened, figure out what went wrong, get emotional. And then I think I just moved the fuck on. I think that's maybe just me.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

Make it sound so easy.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

I mean, that was it's it's not, but to some people, you already have that that mental I don't know how to say it, but like that that mental It's gonna happen anyway. Yeah, you gotta you got a new run. You got a new run in your head, like, okay. That's so pessimistic. It's not because you I mean you can say that. It's just a negative way to look. Yeah, it's just a negative way to look at it. It's just but like you're eventually, I'm I'm re I'm prepared to move on. It's like you're almost expecting it to be.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

Yeah, like you're expecting to get hurt.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

You're expecting to to I mean at some point, I mean, at some point in my life, I was like, okay, I'm I'm talking to this person, but I'm not sure that they're not the one, so I'm preparing myself for the worst. Like some emotional relationship I was in or talking about stages, I prepare myself for the worst. Extra strategy for every situation. Yeah. Especially if I know it's a a good, a good looking female, like I know she got niggas on her trail. And I just know, okay, I I caught her on a on a good day, and we're talking and stuff like that. But it possibly like, okay, she still got other niggas. In the back of my mind, she got other niggas. She can just leave me in the day or start talking to me. So I'll prepare myself for that, for that moment. So and after the fact, if it does happen and we don't start talking, we do start talking stuff like that. I also prepare so to move on. So I might you say take 24 or 40 hours. All right, I take my day, I relax, get myself together, and continue with my life. You know? Yeah, everybody needs at least a day. Yeah, I'm I think I think my my my turnaround is kind of quick. And then like ready to oh, I'm ready to get back out and give get on, get on with my life and stuff like that. So I mean, it's like four billion people out here in the world. Yeah. Can't worry about war. Absolutely not. And I I learned that a long time ago. It's it's the state the statement is true. It's a lot of fish in the sea.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

A lot of fish in the fish. A lot of fish in the sea.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

You can either take a uh fishing rod or you can take a net. How you want to catch the fish? It's your it's your choice, but it's plenty more fish in the sea.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

I don't know. I'm different. I'm not I'm a I'm a I need a clinic. I'm a closure type of person. Like I need that that mental satisfaction that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

It depends. I mean, I'm not guessed it, but it's not for everybody. I don't know. What would I I mean I'm getting eating it, she's but okay, this is what really happened. This is what they were thinking.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah, that's what that's my thing. Like, what was your thought process?

SPEAKER_00 27:45

Knowing me, I'ma just be like, I'm gonna question your evenings. And I'm gonna just go, well, they broke up because they he said she said she didn't want to be able because I was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I'm gonna think about it and go, Well, what I what about when they went and did? Now I'm thinking about everything else that happened when I should have just been getting the fuck up. Makes sense. So now I'm about just kind of like it's like a loop. I'm just rewinding back into what happened and figuring out. Well, she said I did this, this, and this. And I didn't tell her that she did this, this, and this. I maybe I should have told her that, or maybe I did do this. Or maybe, you know, stuff like that. So I didn't be like, it's and it does depend on how they end it too. Well, how they they go to a fair too, like it ended badly, or just coming terms. Yeah, but it's just like you just grew apart, then just walk away. There's nothing to really close. Cause I'm pretty sure we just grew apart, we still want to be cool, we still want to be friends or whatever. Now, if it's some drag them out, we cousin each other. We we scream on the phone and oh my fucking god. All that shit, all that type of shit. Then no.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Yeah, that was definitely me.

SPEAKER_00 28:54

I might need closer for like learning that one time when you see it, what did you mean by that? But outside of that, no, because then you're gonna get closer and you'll get mad all over again. And now you're gonna be like, This stupid nigga here.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Didn't there, then here. But I don't know. Let's let's let's do some our closing advice for people who may be struggling with codependency or or finally realizing that they codepended too much on their partners and stuff like that. Your advice, how they shouldn't work through that.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Oh you're codependent, or you feel yourself being too clingy or anything like that. Sacrifice some hobbies. Or some stuff that only you like to do. For example, hi, like if a video game should be outside. She doesn't like that. So if I feel like, you know, we're getting to that point where we can't be without each other for two seconds, just don't go outside. Go outside for half an agreement. Just go leave, or she'll go see her friends, or I'll go see if she's feeling like it's getting too dependent on each other, just go do something by yourself. That's what I would do. Or like she likes to read. I'm not gonna read all the time. I'm not gonna be bothered by her while she's reading. Just stuff like that. Go do something that only you like. Or like or I will go hang out with you, or go call Ulta, see what you're doing. Some fun shit like that. Just hey, I might pull up what you don't. Or she'll go, hey, I might go have a girl's night by the up. You know, just give time to be yourself.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

I think with me and as anybody that's as can relate to anything I've talked about, I think self-self-care is a big thing that helps me. Like just like you said, think time for yourself, figure out what you like to do for yourself, not always because I think with me too, I was I was making so much of our relationship about like putting my putting so much of myself into him that like I didn't, I forgot like what, you know, who I was or who what I like to do for real without him being present all the time. So I think back to just self-care and realizing like, you know, you are still your own person regardless of who you're with romantically, is a big thing to never forget.

SPEAKER_00 31:01

Oh, or I gotta say, know the person you're dealing with. You know, we're talking about codependency, know the person you're dealing with. So know your person and if you know who you're dealing with and know yourself, I feel like it shouldn't be a problem to figure shit out. You know, work by it. So if you're having a problem, you're having a bad day, they're having a bad day, you should be able to know, okay, this is what's making them tick. Let me try to do something to help out. You know what I'm saying? Let me okay, you wanna have your time to yourself. I go to the store, eat some ice cream, you know, you know same picture of a favorite blanket in the uh in the dryer, get it all hot and warm for you, put them on the couch for you. You sit your ass down. The blanket and dry. And you sit your ass down, you you get yourself together, I go do my thing. But you know, you know your personnel, you know. If you get on that person's nerve for the day, just leave. Just leave. Yeah, I know. I I realize that, you know, if sometimes space is the best medicine sometimes. So I mean, absence makes the heart grow fond or something. Absolutely. You gotta be able to go away. You gotta be able to go away.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Okay, and with that, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes another episode of the Black Healing Journals. Like to thank our guest hosts for coming and joining us. One more time.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

Okay, um, Molly Law.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

You can uh rate and review us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and also follow us on Instagram, join our Facebook group, and always remember that your mental health is a sign of strength, not weakness. We are your host, Ashley and Nikki B. And we'll see you next week. Peace.