Cere Summers - Healing In My Growth

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay. Welcome to the Black Kalen Journals. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Thank you for having me. It's truly a blessing. Truly a blessing.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

So start off, tell us a little bit about yourself and your your journey with mental health. How did it begin? Where you are. What's the end goal?

SPEAKER_03 0:18

Man, my journey's a roller coaster. My journey's my journey is a way that if I were to just try to really break it down, you'd be like, yo, that is insane. But for me, my journey really started for this mental health journey back in 2020. Back in 2020, 2021, back when the pandemic happened. That was when I first went to college. Because it's so funny how God works. I always told every one thing about me that everybody knew is if I said I was gonna do something, I was gonna do it. So I always told everybody ever since seventh grade middle school, I said, I'm gonna go to Clemson, I'm gonna be a mechanical engineer, and God gave me exactly that. I went to Clemson for being a mechanical engineer, and throughout that college life, throughout that college journey, I was experiencing a college lifestyle, and something really clicked to me at first, and then it started to play out a lot of it more. Back when everything happened with uh the pandemic, I saw people that I was really close with, saw people that I knew who went to school, who got the degrees get laid off just like that. People, all their income that they build up going just like that, opportunities going just like that. And I stopped for a second and I said, Yo, the path is the path that I'm doing right now is could I fall into that? And I said, Yes. And I remember saying, Yo, I gotta figure something out. So I was doing a lot of research on you know how to make it to make money online because once I actually started to get a glimpse of what was possible, because I started seeing things like real estate, vending machines, day trading, investing, and all these things, and I started to see that the life that was possible, and I said, with this route that I'm doing right now with this engineer, would that actually give me the life that I'm dreaming of? And the answer was no. And I'll never forget, it was this time where I walked into engineering class the second semester. I walked into class and it was a whiteboard, huge whiteboard, and on that it was a whole bunch of different math problems. It was this these things that I could not fathom. And I sat right by, just like how we it was a guy, he was like super smart, one of the smartest people I ever met in my entire life. I sat by him and I didn't have my book, I wasn't taking school serious that time. The teacher was like, Yep, we gotta we got a test on Wednesday, and as the days was going on, a couple of days went by, the teachers was talking, and I'm like, yo, I'm coming to be mechanical engineer, you know, I want to work on cars, things of that sort. And my teacher was not working on cars, all she was doing was just teaching engineering, yeah. So I'm I'm learning from somebody who's not even doing the thing that I want to do, and that clicked for me. And I'll never forget, it was the third day of class. I walked out of class, never came back to that class. I called my advisor, I said, yo, drop this class. So, yo, wait a minute, whoa, relax, flow to breaks, flow the breaks. Like, you do realize this is your major. If you change this, you have to change your entire major. And I said, I don't care, just change it, change it the business. And when I did that, something happened for me. I'll never forget the night in my life because I wasn't taking school serious because during that time, like most of our stuff was online and everything of that sort. So, being real, I was cheating, like I didn't take school serious, like I was passing, but I wasn't taking it serious. I was all the different math things that I could have used to cheat, like the essay pros and writing my essays, I was using that to cheat. And I remember it got to a point one time where I sat in a car and I literally was at the lowest point that I ever in my life. I was so broken, I was in tears. I have never felt that low in my life before. I was just crying in tears, like 11 o'clock, 11 p.m., 12 o'clock in the morning, in tears, just crying out. Because back then I didn't really have a relationship with God. I knew of God, but I didn't have a relationship with him. But I was like, yo, I just I gotta give I gotta give this a try because I've really felt I said, yo, I'm a failure in life right now. Like with what I'm doing, I didn't even tell my parents at that time. Nobody knew that I changed my major and I wasn't doing this thing that my entire family, because my family looked at me as like, yo, he's about to be an engineer. This is gonna be the one, like, he's gonna get us out, like he's gonna take care of us and everything. My family, they thought I was what was it, the Trojan horse, or is that what you want to call it, right? That's when my family looked at me, and I was like, yo, I'm on this pedestal and I gotta deliver. And I'm doing the exact opposite of that.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Are you the baby? Yes, only child, or just the baby?

SPEAKER_03 5:08

Two. It's me and my sister.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Cause it's crazy you say that because you know, I have Dexter, and then I have my another older sister, and I have another brother on my dad's side, and they used to always love telling me, Oh, you got the best childhood, so you have to make so you have to be the one to like make the family proud. So, like, that's a lot of pressure.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

A lot of pressure.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

I remember like even when I went to college, because I remember when I was in high school, like I hated math, hated science, hated any like critical thinking subject. It was just not me. Like, I was always a creative. I've never been like a math problem science, like serving my thing. So when I finally went to college, I was like, I'm gonna go do graphic design. It's the only thing that ever clicked with me was being creative, like painting, designing, all that other stuff. I never like my critical core classes barely got by. Like, I just my brain just never did well with that. So, like when I graduated, I was like, dang, I don't know if I can do like a graphic design like job, like working in an agency, so I just started my own business. And then like I did that for a few years, and it actually really clicked off really well more than I thought. And I think it's crazy, like you I hear you talk about sometimes like God will give you what you ask for, but if you're not ready for it and you don't know how to like take care of it, it can go away so fast. And I think I asked for more than I was ready for. So when I got it, I didn't know how to handle it. So business, like I think mentally I got too overwhelmed. And it just came a lot for me. And I just kind of like kind of had a standby. I just kind of stopped doing it because it was just too much, like too much clients, too much business. And it was between I was scared between having a real job or just working that and then seeing where it would go. So I think that fear too also kind of like I need that solidity that I'm gonna make something of myself. But how do I do that if I know there's no like I was saying earlier, it's no certainty that business is always gonna be this good. So I think that fear too came into it and it was like, well, maybe I can just sideline this for the certainty that I'm gonna make them proud.

SPEAKER_03 7:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

So yeah, that pressure was, I can understand that couple of things.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

I remember that because I felt that same exact way. That's why I was so afraid and fearful in that moment, because I said, I don't know what will actually do this. Because I thought engineering was this one thing that was gonna do it. So if I'm not even doing this, what am I gonna do? Like, I there was so uncertainty for me, and I'll never forget God was like, yo, I I put something in your life before, you just never really took it serious. I was trading because before that, a couple of minutes before, like not minutes, a couple of months before that, I remember it was back when like Dogecoin was first popping off. This was during my research of trying to find ways to make money online. I remember putting like a hundred to two hundred dollars in doge, and within a week it went to like five, six hundred dollars. And that like I was astonished. I'm like, yo, I'm a broke college student who can barely afford XYZ, and this just paid me this from literally doing nothing. I'm seeing more money from this than before I I gotta go through four years in XY and Z and graduate and go through all of this before I see a ego, a dime in engineering, and I'm seeing money like this in a week, but I wasn't taking it serious back then because I didn't really care. I was all about that college lifestyle and everything, that college fun, my first year in college, being a wave because my parents protected me so much to the point where I was in this shell, so I wasn't allowed to like really be myself. You see what I'm saying? Like, really express myself, be who I wanted to be, because it was always like, okay, do this. Like, I'm always every time I wanted to do something outside of the box, like seriously, to the point my mom didn't even want me playing sports like football. Like, she just wanted me baseball. That's why I was always so kept in, so bundled in. So when I got that first taste of being on my own, it changed me. Yeah, and not in a good way, yeah, not in a good way, it changed me, not in a good way, because I'm like, yo, I'm on my own, I can wild out, I can do whatever it is. I want to go wherever I want to go, anytime I want to, all this XYZ, and that happened, and I'm like, yo, God showed me, He showed me two paths. He said, if you continue down this path, this is what your life's gonna be. And he said, This other path, and I'll never forget that same exact moment in that car in tears. I said, Alright, God, I don't know if you can hear me. I'm such like because to me, that was one of the most fearful things because I knew I was sinning so much, and I knew that I was not worthy of anything that God had for me. So I didn't even think that God would hear me. Like, that's how bad I was. I was like, yo, I don't even think God probably not even hear me right now. He probably I'm so gone, he don't even hear my voice. And I just say, yo, God, I'll just if you can hear me, like please, like I'm I'm I'm sorry. Like, really just give me a chance. And that same exact night, I went back to my dorm, and I'll never forget, it was like 12 o'clock in the morning. I studied trading the market so heavy to the point where my roommates, he had a fiance, he would leave and come back, and I'm still there. Like he would leave to go stay with her, come back during the middle of the night because he would like come, he was like a night out, so he'd come back middle night, grab some stuff, leave, and I'm still there in that same spot studying. To the point where that day in math class, I'll never forget. I was sitting at the back left of the classroom, teacher was talking, I'm falling asleep. I'll never forget. I'm she's talking, I just could not stay up. I went back home and I just studied, study, study. My roommates started calling me like crazy and weird. It's like, yo, let's go out to the parties, let's do this during the weekend. I said, No, I'm studying this. He's like, yo, like, bro, come on, man, XYZ. And I'll never forget. I told my roommate, I said, yo, I'm gonna drop out. Like, I'm actually gonna drop out and do this. And I was like, nah, man, you're gonna be back, nah, nah, XYZ. And I started to tell people, yeah, I'm gonna drop out in XYZ. I had people say, it's like, yo, you're stupid for dropping out. Like, if you do this, I'll never forget. I had a uh a friend that I was cool with back then, and I told him, like, yeah, I'm dropping out, you know, pursuing this trading stuff. He said, Yo, that's like stupid. Go back so I can tell people that I know somebody that goes to Clemson. I got off the phone with him and blocked him immediately on that spot, never talked to him again.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 11:26

It's it's so I've told so many people, I even told my mom when I came back, and that was such a vulnerable point for me because I already didn't know what my life was gonna be. And then now I'm telling people it's like, yo, I'm doing this, and to get the type of like backlash that I was getting from people that I loved and people that I like, I was like, yo, I thought you was always there for me, like close family type. Like, I've seen a side of people that I've never seen in my entire life when I was like, yo, I'm gonna do this trading thing. When I told my mom, that's why my mom is so near and dear to me now. I told her, I said, Mom, I'll never forget because I didn't tell her until like after I knew that I was gonna make the decision. And we was back and I said, Mom, I remember we was in the car, I said, Mom, you know what? I'm gonna drop out, I'm gonna do this thing. And I said, I'm not asking for your permission to do it, I already made the decision, I'm just asking for you to support me. And my mom said, I don't support you dropping out of college, but I do support that if this is something that okay, college may not be for everybody, but if this is something that you really truly believe in, and you making this decision, I'm gonna let God do his thing and do that. I I would rather you still be in college and do this because she didn't understand, but I do support that, and that's all I needed. I didn't need you to see the vision, I didn't need you to believe in the vision, I just need you to believe in me and to trust that I was going to make it happen, and that changed so much for me. I told my dad, my dad didn't want me to go to college anyway, so he was happy. But he wanted me to pursue a different path, he wanted me to be the mechanical, like uh, what's the word? He wanted me to be go to mechanical school and a trade school. And I said, that's not what that's not what I want. And it's other people, like I told him, and it's like, yo, you're never gonna be anything in life. People that were close to me, like that broke my heart. Like, you're never gonna be nothing in life if it's not, if it doesn't have a degree, you can't do it. And I said, like, you can either support me or not. Do you support me? No, I'll never support you doing that. You're gonna be a failure to the point that they were telling other people that it's like yo, he's gonna be a failure. You want to be a failure just like him, X, Y, and Z, and that broke me so much, and it hurt me so much. And I said, Wow, like I have to figure this out now because there's no way that I can allow this to be real. Because if how in this point, this point, this point, in this moment, I said, you know, I'm gonna trust you, have this faith, but how can this not play out? There's no reason this can't play out, so I said, I'm gonna just go all in, I'm gonna just trust this and fast forward to going through those seasons and doing it alone, but I always had God, it was so my beginning journeys, my first years was so hard and so challenging for me because nobody understood me. I had nobody around me.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Like so well, and even the part that you said about the people that you're close to, like telling you that you're never gonna be anything. Like I told you, we have so much in common, it's crazy. The sheltered childhood, like I was always brought up to ask you have to do this, that, and the third. And if you don't do it the way we want you to do it, then it's not just not gonna work out for you. So, like the longest time, even like pre like middle college, like my sophomore junior year, I knew that I didn't want like a job job, but I didn't know what I want to do. But I struggled because it's like, well, I don't do it the way my mom wants me to do it, then it's not the right way to do it. So, what do I do now? So, like, I think even up until like two years ago, really, still I struggled a lot with figuring out do I do it because they want me to do it, do I do it because I want to do it? Like trying to figure out that battle between what side do I go with. So that was a a struggle. Even now, I think I'm still finally figuring out that I had to do what I want to do, but I feel like it's right for my life, and not like basing it off what other people think that I should be doing.

SPEAKER_03 15:17

Because I realized it's like the the the vision that you have, it was given to you, not them. So nobody else will ever understand that vision, like how you do. The only one thing that I learned is instead of trying to tell people the vision, just show them the vision. Instead of because nobody will ever understand it. I can try to explain to so many people this is the vision. I can literally nobody will understand that. Literally, I vision I can really visualize that life, that freedom, that life, I can visualize it. That's why I grind the way that I do, because I can actually visually close my eyes and see this version of myself, see every aspect of him, and I know that it is possible, but trying to explain that to somebody else, they're never gonna see it.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

Like even with this podcast, like I've always mental health has always been like something dear to me because I haven't known for a long time that I've had struggles. But like when I started this, like what two years ago? Like I've I saw it like when I first started thinking about it, like right the the podcast, books, shows, like tours, like I can see it in my like I told you, like if someone tells me an idea, I can think create it in my head like instantly. So like I can see it, but explain to people that don't see it is so hard because they don't understand the end goal, but I can see it so clearly. So trying to explain people that don't always support you or don't see it the way that we see it is it can be a struggle sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

It's hard to tell somebody who's been let's say constrained to a certain thing, they've been capped at let's say 50,000 or XYZ a year, the certain lifestyle to say, and you are not there yet, and you're in that same thing, you're actually probably making less than them to say, yo, one day I'm gonna be a multimillionaire and I'm gonna take care of you, retire you. You're never I'm gonna do this, like I'm gonna be living this. This is how we're gonna do it. It's hard for somebody to believe that when it's like, How are you going to do that? From what you're not having to do. Like, show me the step-by-step. Guess what? I don't have that step-by-step, guys. It's like, but I do know that the path that I'm on is gonna get me there. I have an actual route. And one thing that I've learned from actually going through a lot of it is those same people that wrote me off back then are now asking me for help, asking me, yo, put me on game. Yo, how did you do this? Yo, X, Y, and Z. And it's same people that didn't support me back then want to support me now, and I had to learn. This is one of the biggest things is I can't hold grudges. Because, like I said earlier over there, I was talking about how remember that story of Joseph. Joseph told his brothers, it wasn't you that sent me, it was God that sent me ahead of you. So I had to learn that I can't hold those grudges against those people. So I can't like say, Oh, like you didn't believe in me back then, like forget about you, X, Y, and Z. It's no, you didn't believe in me, and I understand that because if I was in your same exact position, I wouldn't have believed in me. Because I wasn't doing what I'm doing now. I was telling you what I was gonna do, and you didn't see it, so of course you're not gonna believe it. But now that you're actually seeing it and you're believing it, why would I sit here and just be this jerk and be this person is like, oh, forget about you, X, Y, and Z. It's like, no, like I'm not that type of person. I'm glad that what I've done has, you know, planted the seed in you, but I also have the wisdom to know who to let in my life and who to not let in my life. Because a lot of people, they will try to come back in your life to try to use you for their own benefit, drain you for what they can, and then bounce and then leave. Because when they drain you, what they do is they'll try to drain you back to their level. So they would try to see that's like, man, I took advantage of that person. And instead of them humbling themselves and saying, Yo, I'm sorry, that's on me, like I ask that you forgive me for that. They it's that pride in them. It's yo, I gotta try to tear them down. Let me try to do something that gets them back on this level to try to throw you off your pivot because they're jealous and envious of what you've achieved. And I've had to learn to be able to discern and see who are those people that are coming in and out of my life.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Yeah, that's I think that's what I'm working on. Like I was telling y'all earlier, like, because I've had so many friendships, relationships that I've been through that haven't had the best outcome or the outcome that I thought that I needed. And so now it's made me more like I've always been super introverted and like super shy. So then the people that I do let in and then they hurt me, it's like, well, this is the reason why I don't put myself out there to begin with. So now I think right now I'm in a season where I'm trying to be more less introverted, but I'm still kind of scared at the same time because you're scared of that hurt. I think I've been through so much. Yeah, it's it really does scare me. And I know you like the story, we'll get into your story about your ex, but like when I was living with mine up in how we're living at Rock Hill, we were together for three and a half years. My first ever like boyfriend. So that was always that's the first problem. But like I when I left here to go live with him, it was kind of a oh, we're gonna get married, I'm in love, blah blah blah. And then when it didn't go the way that it did, and then the hurt that came with it, it I really lost myself at some point because it's like I had devoted so much of myself into him for a very core part of my life because we were together when 20, 21, 22, 23. And then when I was 24, it was a very toxic time period with us. So yeah, like he got a lot of like my core, like young adult learning years. So it's like when I did finally lose him, it's like, well, dang, what do I do now? Because I'm so used to him being that ground person for me. So I didn't have him anymore. It was kind of like uh I really lost myself kind of thing. So I think that's what I'm scared of happening again. That I don't want to give so much of myself to other people to where I lose myself in the in the same time, you know.

SPEAKER_03 21:25

And I've learned that's why I love those experiences. I've learned to because you know, it got to a point for me, right, where I had to actually accept what happened in my past. Yeah, and I had to really sit down and say, Yo, sir, you could either look at this and just have it be this lingering thing where it just continues to keep destroying you for the rest of your life. But I said, I want you to really sit down with this. And that was like tough, like really sitting back with the past experiences with my exes, with relationships, with my family, all these things. I had to really sit down and Actually, really go back to those times, and I said, Yo, sir, what if you flip the script? What if you started looking at this? And I did this for every single area, one of those like areas that I was afraid of. I sat back and I said, What's the positive that came out of this? Like, find every positive that came out of this, and in doing so, that completely changed my entire perspective on my past experiences. Because every last one of those experiences, when I really sat down, I've noticed that I've had the biggest level ups in my entire life through those. The past relationships with my ex, I've had the biggest level up in my life. The situation uh with the college, the biggest level up in my life, for my family, biggest level up in my life. Every one of those most hurtful, even with uh the lowest point where I looked into the mirror, I was so down about myself, my body, the lowest level of my life, and now look where I'm at right now, like calisthenics and everything. That was at the lowest point of my life. Me getting into trading was at the lowest point of my life. Me getting into like being in this position, creating content and everything to even be out there, the lowest point of my life. And I felt so I had this social anxiety, I was so afraid. It was at every moment where I've had the biggest level up, was always at the lowest point. And then I started to remember what the scripture says, For when I am weak, I am strong. It says that God chose the poor of this world, the lowest of the world, to make them the highest. And I started to wonder, and I said, Why would because I used to always ask God why? Why do you keep putting me through this stuff? Like, I don't like why is it that I'm going through all of these? Like, I really want to be a good person, like I really want good, like I'm not just an evil, wicked person who just wants to destroy the entire world. Yes, why are you putting me through this? And then I started to realize it wasn't ever about me, it was always about him. Because when he put me through that, every single one of those times he's brought me out of it. It's to show how amazing he is and what he can do for your life when you trust in him. That's what changed everything for me. Because I started the more that I read the Bible, I'm like, look at all these people. Joseph, Joe, the reason why Joseph's story holds so much weight to me because it shared the entirety of it. It didn't just share when Joseph was by the king and he was living this life, it showed all some of the greatest people in the Bible. It always shows some of their lowest points. When Abraham, I believe it was Abraham at his lowest, and God told him to go sacrifice his own son. That's how much he loved God. It's like, what?

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Right.

SPEAKER_03 24:40

It's and it was no hesitation. It's like, yo, go sacrifice the youngers. Alright, cool, come on. And like literally had him wrapped up and everything, about to take him out. And God said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, child, child, just no, that's how much you really love me. That you're really dis willing to sacrifice your own son? Joseph at his lowest, Jesus himself, Peter, um, Moses. Moses uh killed the man, right? Moses fasted and all these things. Like, God chose all these people that was at the lowest. Joseph was the lowest out of the fam. Solomon. When he came to Solomon, uh, because he asked Solomon, what do you want to be? Like, what do you want? His dream. And Solomon said, Yo, you chose me, I'm the lowest, and you called me to be this king and to be this ruler. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, I'm a babe at this. Like, I want the wisdom to do this. And God said, Wow, because you asked for this, and you actually really are taking it seriously. You didn't ask for the money and fame. I'm gonna give you this plus more. And I started to see that this is why God is allowing me to go through this, so He can actually take me through it, just like He did uh with uh the people uh taking them out of Egypt with Moses, He allowed those plagues and everything to happen just to show that yo, this is God. It got to the point where the uh Pharaoh's like, yo, yeah, this is really God doing this. Like, really stop messing with these people, leave them alone. And that's what God does for us in our life. And then when I started to embrace that a lot more, I started going back and looking at all those experiences, and I said, That is why my ex, like I said, the situation uh with my biological father, my family, all of that played into a role to where I'm at now.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Yeah, I think, like you said, too, in such a way like with my dad, like he was in the house, like me growing up, but he wasn't like present, like emotionally present, but he took care of me, like financially and stuff. And I think like when I got to that age where I like you know, like middle school, high school, I tried interested in boys and stuff. Like, I struggled so bad with that like judgment, I guess, because I didn't have the whole daddy-daughter connection thing growing up. So, like when I did get to high school and start liking boys, like I just went like for a roller coaster. Like it was very traumatic, very like, because anybody gave me attention, oh he must like me. Anybody that was smiling, oh, he must like me. Like any little bit of attention I was getting because I didn't get it growing up, like it was like immediate.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Oh, they like me.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Immediately, like there's no other option.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

It's like they they smile at you, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:16

So yeah, I got relationship, and it got me into so many like unfortunate situations because I misread the tension for likeness or the tension for love, attention for whatever the case may be. And I think that's the reason why, too, with my ex, because like he gave me the attention, he gave me the love, he gave me the time, the effort. So I'm thinking, well, if this must be what it feels like, because I don't I never knew what it was growing up, so I never had anything to base it off of. So the two relationships I did have, I was just going off, they gave me attention, they're giving me time. This must be the one.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

So like I think even after we ended up breaking up, it's like, well, dang, now how do I really know who's for me? Because I don't have a good foundation of what it should be like.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Especially when that's something like if that's the first biggest thing, and this is the response too, is like, how does all the other ones? Because like I was like that. I being real, like actual real relationships, I can actually count on one hand, like and throughout my entire life. I mean real relationships. I was in a relationship when I like a serious relationship when I was in middle school, uh, one when I was in high school, and like all the other ones, they weren't like real relationships, they was just like they weren't like actual, like, I'm like, yo, this is like I'll post you on my Instagram type. It wasn't those type of relationships, so it was maybe three, four, and then the last like real relationship that I had was my ex, and that was two, three years ago. But I've noticed something, and the reason why I got hurt so much is because my outlook on relationships was never the same as everybody else's my age. Because growing up, I I never was taught about like you know, being the hoes and you know, sleeping around with a bunch of having a bunch. I was always taught it's like, yo, you find that one, it's like you want to build a relationship, get married, and stuff like that. Because I seen who my mom was, and I was like, yo, my mom was amazing. I seen what my dad, like my parents, I seen that, and that's what was always in my mind. So everybody that I was like talking to, I'm like, yo, I could I want to be with you forever. It's like that was my mindset, like, especially at a young age in high school, college, like well, basically high school, in college as well. But that mindset of like, I want to live the rest of my life with you, like let's build and grow like together. I didn't understand until I actually started to realize a lot of people my age didn't want that.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

They just want people our age don't want that now, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 29:57

A lot of people are they just want that, like that one night, the hookup, like they just want the fling, they just want the sex and all of that. That's all they want, that's all they care about. And I didn't understand that because I was like, yo, like I'm trying to give my all to the relationship. I'm doing all of this, and I'm getting bare minimum. I'm like, yo, am I am I doing too much? And that's what really helped messed me up a lot.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

Hey, Lily just wrote a blog about that.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

That that just that messed me up so much because I used to think that I was the problem. I'm doing too much. Like I should be doing less. Like, I shouldn't be, yo, trying to do this for you, trying to take care of X, Y, and Z. But that's how I was taught. I was always taught to be the like provide. I was always taught to be there the comfort because you know, everybody has different love languages. Some people uh more of them is more affirmations, touch. Some people is more like different things. And to me, I want to be able to provide in every way that I can. So when I was doing that in these relationships at a younger age, and it's like, oh man, I'll never forget. It was so many people, it's like I used to be like it was multiple times, but I'll never forget it was a couple of times, but one of the biggest ones was this girl I was talking to, and we met, and it was like, yo, I remember saying, I was like, yo, God, this gotta be the one. I'm like, yo, I was so in love with this girl. Like, I kid you not, I was so in love with her, and I was like, yo, this is the one XY and Z I could see a bit because we just connected so much. Like, I really could see my I could see the reason why, like, it was to the point where I could see her being a mother of my children, and that's very, very serious for me to say. Yeah, so I could see that, and I'll never forget. We were getting good all along XY and Z. And it was around because I remember we went on this trip to Jamaica, and I'm sitting here, I'm like, yo, I made videos about it. I'm like, yo, this girl, she's like XYZ. Like you was all in. I was all in. I didn't post the videos, I made the videos, and I told her, and I called her, I texted her, I was like, yo, how you doing, XYZ? No text back. It's like cool, cool. Text her again, no text back. I ended up calling her. Like, you know, like the little silence mode that it says like their notifications of silence. Boom. I called her, no response. FaceTimed her, no response. So I'm like, yo, okay. I'll never forget. I came back home, which broke my heart. I came back home, went to the gym, and she was at the gym laid up on her ex that she told me about that he cheated on her.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 32:29

And I seen her, and I was like, yo. And I actually confronted her. I talked, I went up to her and I talked, I said, yo, like, did you like I was texting you? She was like, Oh, well, I I didn't see it, I didn't know, X, Y, Z.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Oh, well, I would have crashed out, because ain't no way. You saw me.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

She saw it, she definitely saw it. And then she was like, Yeah, I don't, I don't think I'm ready for this. Like, that's like serious. Like, I really need to cope and everything and all that.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

And I said, Oh, she doesn't want to mess around. That's what she wanted to do.

SPEAKER_03 32:59

The same guy that you told me he cheated on you, and guess what? They didn't even end up being together because he ended up having like a girl that he actually ended up moving in with. And I said, Yo, to me, like when I think about it, that's why it's like I laugh, like I smile about it. I said, God, you did that for a reason. Like it was never meant for that to happen. But I could have gone down a very negative, a dark path with that. Because I could have easily said, I'm gonna take all that love and bundle it up, and I'm never gonna give that to somebody else again. But the reason why I say I look at experiences now as a blessing because it showed me I really am a husband, like I really am a man that can provide for a woman. Even if she didn't see that, I'm okay with that because that showed me what I'm capable of. How would I ever have known that if I wasn't in a position? If I didn't have a woman, like if I didn't have a female that I could actually do that to. I can say all day, yeah, I'll be this man that provides an X, Y, and Z. But God actually put me in a position to where I was able to actually express that. And I said, yo, I actually really would do this for somebody. I actually really can provide, and that made me, I love myself. And then my ex, the recent, the recent one, uh recently, it was to the point, right, where even now to this day, all of those females, I still have nothing but love for them. Because if it wasn't for the things that we went through, I would not be who I am.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Are you a better person than me?

SPEAKER_03 34:24

Because like I just I just have to because with my ex, right, we started bonding and getting closer together. And when we split, it had nothing to do with like cheating or nothing like that. It was just it was honesty, and it was two different paths. It wasn't she wasn't doing what needed to be done, but with her, to the point where I never forget, like, this is how serious I was about it. She was in an environment that was not good for her at all, like to the point where she couldn't even read her Bible with her door open, like that type of time. And she ended up getting kicked out for doing like she I remember her FaceTime. He's like, Y'all just got kicked out of my house ex like I can't come back in. I'm like, Yo, I'm not gonna allow you to keep doing this. I'll never forget that same exact day. I went to go pick her up, and we went to go stay in a hotel, and literally the very next day, we went to go uh get an apartment. It's that's that's that's all God. There's no way you just go to come up to this random place, you know, talk to this lady, and I'll never forget, like, that's my like I call her mama D. Like, I still love her still to this day. To me, she's family to me, everything that she's done. First day, come up. I didn't have the best, like, I ain't had no previous experience, my first ever apartment by myself. I didn't even have like the double, because you're supposed to have like double of the initial deposit. I ain't even had that. But how is it that I got approved to get this apartment? Moved in the very next day. So we were together, things were going good, and then as time went on, it got to the point where I realized I was doing this, and it's like she was a like it was like a chain that was slowly, slowly pulling me down because I was trying to continue to keep elevating. I'm doing everything to provide, like to the point where I was doing so much. I was trying to trade, and I was working with my apostle, then I was delivery driving, and I was a part of another business. I was doing four things at one time just to make sure that we was good. She was doing nothing. I was like, yo, I'm making sure she's good and everything. And I never got it got to the point where she started lying a lot, like it started to be like small lies, and it kept on going on and on and on. And every time something would happen, it's just like bundled up and let's not try to grow through this and XYZ. And I realized she was allowing a lot of her past relationship to carry into this relationship, so she wasn't fully ready to open up in XYZ. I'm like, okay, I understand that. If after everything that I've done for you and you're still not willing to give me this chance, listen, I'm not this is not it for me, bro.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Don't I know the feeling?

SPEAKER_03 36:57

Yes, I didn't there's nothing more that I could do to show you how serious I am about you. Literally, I literally got us a place, took you out of this, I'm making sure you get everything. I do in all of this, and if there's nothing more that for me to do, and I'll never forget it got to the point where she did start delivery driving, right? I said, like, yo, like, try to make like act, she was like, Okay, I'm gonna try to. I I had to actually tell her, yo, you can use my car. I literally use my car to go delivery drive. First day, she backed into a trash can, called me, said y'all backed into the trash can. She got back, I went to go look at it. I was like, Are you okay? I'm like, a car can like that can get placed, a car can replace, your life can't get replaced. I'm like, cool, you good, everything good? And it was still like early, so I'm like, it is what it is. She went to go back out and do a Q drive again. She hit a curve. So she hit the tire, she had the tire flat, and I had to go drive all the way across the city to get another tire. I'm like, all right, cool. The very next day, third time's a truck, right? I'm with my apostle. We was about to go do some uh because he's like a constructor. And we went to go, um, we was about I was literally at his house, like before we even left to go do the thing, it was early in the morning. I get a call, I'm hearing her like breathing and stuff, and she's like, yo, like like babe, like XYZ. And I'm like, yo, she wrecked my car. And I get to the place, not only was it wrecked, but it was total. And the place that I got to, guess where it was? It was literally right in front of my apartment. She got into a wreck, literally crossing the street to go across the street to the gas station. Total the car. And what really struck it for me was when I got there, the guy, he was in a challenger, and he said, Bro, I don't even care about this. I've spent so much time trying to get this car. This is the one car that I wanted. If I I just want this, I don't care about the parties, I just want this dent out because I spent so much time. This is a one-of-a-kind car. It's all I like. I if I if this is total, like, and then he had his daughter in a car. It was her birthday, and she was like about to go get her first tattoo. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, bro, I'm I'm trying to like talk to them, make sure they're good. And X1Z, I'm trying to liven up the mood because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Car already told him, and she was just there in the background, like trying to act like nothing happened, like laughing along in XYZ. We get back into the apartment, and she was literally just quiet, silent. She didn't apologize to me or nothing like that. And literally days went by, and I said, Yo, so you just told him my car, you're not trying to get a job, you're not trying to get nothing, XYZ, and I said, Yo, this figure it out. I said, Yo, that's the final scroll. This is this is not it. Like, it was even to the point where because at that time, I think like I was on my mom insurance, and my mom called him and said that, yo, like I give her authorization to you know drive this. She didn't. So, with that being the case, she was like, she didn't even call my mom, think my mom X, Y, and Z. She was, it was so much that was happening, and I said, Yo, this ain't it for me. You gotta, I will give you three months. I didn't just kick her out. I said, Yo, you got three months, like you gotta figure this out. Like, this is not gonna work for us. Get you like, find you a place, X, Y, and Z. And because I wasn't just gonna kick her out, have her know what the place. That's not me. So I gave her it's it was to the point, even right. I let her have my room. Like, I let her sleep in my room. I slept in my office. Like I might blow up magic, like my bed in my office, and I let her sleep in the room, you know, have the room. I said, I just sleep in my office, like, cool, like that's not that big of a deal to me. And it got to the point where she started lying on me. She was telling my apostle, his wife, and my landlord all these lies about me. Like how she was cooking for me in XYZ, and you know how that's the biggest lie. Because I remember she started making a little bit of money, and she bought like $200 worth of groceries. She spent like $200, had to go the Uber, went the Uber here to the grocery store, and then the grocery store back to here, she made like $200. Come back, all these groceries, and I'm like, Oh, these groceries, this this for us, right? This for the house. Like, she was like, Well, this is for me, but if you want some, you can get some. I said, Okay.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

This would be you a good one because it's no way.

SPEAKER_03 41:14

I said, Okay, this is what we're gonna do. What I'm gonna do is this. I had laid out this layer, it was on the top of my fridge. I said, All of your stuff goes here from now on. You get your own groceries, and don't touch none of my stuff. And she was like, Oh, in tears. She was trying to give me like the sob and tears. I said, Nah, because what you just did, you just showed me your true colors. Yeah, you just showed me that real, you started making a little bit of money, and you just literally forgot about everything that I've done for you up until the time.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

And I said, Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_03 41:38

Yeah, all of your stuff goes up here, you get your own groceries, don't touch mine. And I stood on that. And what she started to do was start lying on me. She was like, Yeah, sir, like he's he's treated me so bad, he's yelling at me. I'm I'm cooking for him, I'm trying to do all this for him. And I'm getting calls and I'm getting texts, like, I'm at the gym. I'm getting a random text from my apostles, like, yo, sir, what is wrong with you? I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I'm hearing this, like, you know, she's saying you did this, she's saying you did that. And I said, Yo, this is like, this is like a news story to me. This is my first time hearing this. Like, what do you mean? And he was like, Yeah, she said she told my wife this, and that's I said, I don't know where this is coming from. I said, That's not me. And he was like, Yo, I just that's not you. I've never seen, I know you, that's not you. And I said, I don't know where this is coming from. She told my land, my landlord, I call her, uh, that's like my mama, like my you know, second mama, and she told her, my landlord, the person that I'm paying my money to, so you're already giving me a bad rep to my landlord. And I come, I'm talking to her, I'm like, what are you talking about? And you know what I did? I was smart. We had another conversation, and I recorded the entire thing. As you're checking, I recorded it, and I was like, yo, so you said that you did X, Y, and Z, and on the actual video recording, it's probably still on my phone still to this day, but on the actual video recording, she was like, Yeah, I'm I'm not gonna lie, I lied about that. In front of my face. She told me straight to my face, yeah, I lied I lied about that.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

What was the point though? I don't understand why.

SPEAKER_03 43:11

It was to I don't know, it was to really tear me down, like because that was her way of doing it to try to. I don't know. I can't, I'm not in her mind. I don't know why she would do that. And who am I, right? I don't know what she was going through. But the fact that she was told me straight up, I lied. Like, I lied about that. I really am sorry. Like, I told her, yeah, that was a lie. I told him that I was cooking for you. I was like, you have not cooked for me since that day. Because ever since then, I was cooking my own stuff and doing my own thing. So how is it that you were cooking for me if you weren't even if you were buying your own groceries and I was buying my own groceries? And she's like, Yeah, I lied. And then when I told her all of that, and then because she knew that the lies that she was that's what and that that's the that was her issue. That was her stone hole. She was very bad at lying, like she lied. So much that's what tore our relationship apart. It was never like cheating or anything, it was lies. She would always make up these lies, these random lies. And I'm like, yo, I'm not stupid.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

Right.

SPEAKER_03 44:09

Like, I know that you're lying. Why do you keep lying to me? Just be honest. And she just could not do that. And I'm like, yo, I can't. Because I remember telling her straight up, I said, yo, like, if we're gonna build a family, you're gonna be the mother of my children one day. And we're gonna get married next one. Z, like, we can't have this. Like, you can't lie to me. You gotta be under. And she told me straight up to my face, I'll be honest with you. Like, I'm not gonna lie. And for you to lie to me again and say that, I can't, you can't be the mother of my children.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Right.

SPEAKER_03 44:33

I will not let that because one thing that I told myself, and this kind of ties into the remember, I told you about like my biological parents. You know what's funny? My mom never had her biological father in her life. My dad, who took care of me, he never had his biological father in his life. I never had my biological father in my life. All three of us never had our biological fathers in our lives. And I told myself, I made a promise to myself, I will never do that to my children. That ends with me. So I'm going to be in my children's life, and my mother is going to be, and their mother is going to be in their life as well. And I knew that if it was anything other than that, I'm not being in it. And I'll never forget. I remember that happening. I said, yo, nah. Like, I'm not gonna have this happen again. It's not gonna be to the point we end up having any kids and something happened to X, Y, and Z. I'm not I'm not in my kids' life. Right. So I saw the bigger picture there, and I had to end it there. And that was hard because she gave me a lot of comfort. That was very comforting to be in that relationship. It's like having that comfort, that relationship, that person that's there for you, like all the time. You know, she was cooking and everything. It's not like she was a terrible person, like she knew how to cook, she was making sure that I was good, comfort me. I was stressed out in there, she was always there for me. But I knew that I had to choose me over that comfort that I had in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

Yeah, I think that's when me and my ex finally did stop the toxicness. That's why I kept it up for a long time. Because, like you said, it's comfort. Like I'm used to him being there, like even like the arguments, the whatever we had going on. Like, I knew something went down, he was gonna be there for me regardless. Like, so me having to give that comfort for my own self-worth and self-love, it was it was hard. I think up until what I've been home for five months now. Last my last birthday, so very recently, like six months ago, was when we finally stopped talking. Like, oh yeah, we gotta like we gotta stop this like for real, for real. We gotta stop. Like, it's going on six years now. Like, we gotta stop at some point. But I think we were each other's like comfort for a really long time. So having to like finally break it and be healthy was it was an interesting transition for sure. Like, even now, when I'm like upset, I'll catch myself like, dang, I wonder what so-and-so doing it. I have light. No, Ashley, don't don't revert back. He worked so hard to break that connection. So yeah, I don't know. It's been a very interesting healing journey for me these past four months coming back home. I didn't want to come back home. Lord knows I tried to find it so hard, but it's like it got to a point where I had to come home. Like it was no other choice for me to say either come home or damn near be homeless. Like it was no option.

SPEAKER_01 47:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

So like I think now I think I'm more focused on like myself more than I've ever been in my entire life, and not so focused on other people's opinion of me or other men. Like, it's just like all about me at that point. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:36

As it should be. Now, where I'm at now today, if people just hear about the past, they would just think like, yo, this person, if I just all I did was just say, This is this past, you would think of this image of this person, like he's probably living this, like going down this huge negative, down path. But where I'm at now today, I'm so grateful for everything I went through. I can I would never take back anything that I went through because if it wasn't for that, I would not be who I am today. I would have never known that I could have been the man that could provide the way that I can if I was not in those other situations with my exes. I would not know that I had that drive to actually want to go better if I wasn't in those lowest situations. Now it's to where I'm at now. That's why it takes so much for like I can never give up. Like, for I used to have such big anger issues now, anger issues now.

SPEAKER_00 48:32

You can't see that.

SPEAKER_03 48:33

It's yes, that's really awesome. I always I tell people that all the time. Like when I tell people I used to have such big social anxiety, and I used to have huge anger issues. When I tell people those two things, they look at me now, it's like I can't see that. Like you're just the outgoing person, you can speak to everybody. I had to actually grow through that. It's not like I was born with that. I used to have crazy social anxiety, and I used to get angry very, very quick. All it took was a split second for me to get angry, and I got tired of that. And I said, I can't be this person because the word talks about it. It's like anger brings so much destruction. A man, if you can't control your anger, if you can't control that, that brings so much destruction. So I started learning how to control that anger, and then now it's to the point where it takes so much to make me mad. I just can't like I see so many people that get pissed off and mad so easily, and to me, it's it takes a lot, but it took a lot for me to get here. It's not like I just woke up one day and I'm I don't get angry. Yeah, it took a lot for me to get to the point where there could be four or five cameras set up and I'm just talking like I'm regularly having a conversation with you. It took a lot to that. It took of me recording myself every single day, me putting myself and forcing myself to be in positions that made me overcome social anxiety. I would force myself to talk to people. I still have it in my phone still to this day. When I was delivery driving, I said, Yo, I gotta use this as an opportunity to overcome the social anxiety. I had a note Notion page in my phone, and every single place that I went to to pick up an order, I had to get that person's name, the person I was speaking to. So I would remember their name every time I would go back into that place. I'm like, hey Sandy, how are you doing? Like, how was X, Y, and Z? And I would ask them questions about their life. So when I come back in, I'm picking up the conversation. I know last week you told me about this. Did you end up doing this, X, Y, and Z, and it forced me to step outside of that box because what I learned is I used to be so afraid of like in judgment, and others may look at me weird and crazy, and all that. I said, Yo, like that's what stopped me. That's why always kept me in that shell. Because I'm like, people probably will look at me weird, crazy. So I had all these thoughts, and then when I actually started talking to people, like where I'm at now, right? I done made thousands of videos, I done recorded in so many different scenarios, I done posted thousands so many times, and still to this day, not a single person has told me, yo, you look absolutely stupid and ridiculous for recording here, like you're so stupid, you're never not a single person has actually really came up to me and told me that. But those thoughts were so loud in my head, and even still to this day, I always say this thing that it carries me every single way that I go in life. No matter where you are, no matter how far you get, no matter what you achieve, you are never exempt from being attacked again. Still to this day, it does not matter how many times I record it. I still have those thoughts that come in my mind when I'm trying out different angles, when I'm doing something new, whether that's going to a new gym and trying out an angle I've never been, setting up the camera at a gas station during the middle of the day and recording a crazy angle because that's what I want to get. Those thoughts of well, what would this person may think of you? Me picking up my camera, let's say, and talking in a public environment, walking around in different environments, I get those thoughts. But the thing what I've learned about it is the thoughts don't become my reality. I make the reality what it is. My actions form the reality, not those thoughts. Those thoughts could tell me, don't go record here. And what I've also learned to do is I actually make it a like a game, I make it exciting now. It's like a game to me. Whenever I let's say for example, I'm recording something, and if I because I can visualize, because like you know, that visionary, like I can literally visualize a whole entire scene that I want to do, every single angle, I can visualize it. And what I do as I'm going through that, if I ever get to a point at an angle where it's like, oh, what if somebody thinks about you that way? That is the angle that I go get. So I can have those thoughts, but I'm gonna go set up the camera there and record in that exact same angle of the thing that's making me fearful and hesitant to do it. Because when I'm doing, I'm showing myself that no matter what those thoughts say, those thoughts don't control you. You control the outcome, not your thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

Yeah. Like you said, because I had well, I still have a little bit, social anxiety real bad. And then like with my childhood, I was bullied a lot. Like elementary, even up until like a little bit in high school, like I was bullied. So like that played to a lot to like my anxiety, like even when I went to college, like I did not, if I didn't have to talk to you, I was not talking to you.

SPEAKER_03 53:05

Like, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 53:06

I was not going out of my way to make friends. Like, if they came to me and I talked back, cool. But me talking to you first was not gonna happen. So like I just like this Dexter was telling you that story early about how I thanked him for like the confidence. Like, because before I came home, like I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot, damn near 95 pounds. Like, this was not healthy in any area of my life. So, like when I came back, started eating better, working out, stopped drinking and stopped smoking. So, like it's like a complete different person than I was five months ago. Like the thing, like even me, like the things I do, like he had me do like in the gym sometimes, like it's crazy because like my confidence is not even on the same spectrum like it used to be. Cause like it's things that I would never think I could do that I'm doing with ease. Yeah. So if I can apply like like things I like my working out to every other area in my life, there's nothing that I can't do at this point.

SPEAKER_03 53:58

So it shows what are what's one area where you aren't applying in your life? Um because you said you want to apply it in all your areas. Are you applying it in all the areas?

SPEAKER_00 54:10

I think I'm putting more of an effort into it.

SPEAKER_03 54:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 54:13

I think socially I could still do some more work. It's just that like I plan or that fear of that uncertainty of not getting hurt is just that's the thing. It just scares me.

SPEAKER_03 54:24

I just like if you can tell me one outcome at one time where you can actually determine like exactly what's gonna happen, is you can't do that. We can never determine outcome. But then it gets to the point where ask yourself this would you rather live the rest of your life like how you feel now? Would you rather live the rest of your life like that in that fear of uncertainty at the young age that we are, knowing that we want to live for years and years and years a long time? We're not even what this is like a quarter of what we really want to live to our fullest. Let's say we want to live to 100, right? It's like a quarter of it basically. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with that fear?

SPEAKER_00 55:02

No, and it's like even like compared to my mom, like she used to be the same way, but now I see her, she's so much more confident, like her anxiety with people is so much better. It's like, well, dang, I want to get there.

SPEAKER_03 55:13

Your mom's such an outgoing.

SPEAKER_00 55:14

But I don't want to wait till I'm 50 to do it. Like, I have to figure it out, like now.

SPEAKER_03 55:18

What would what would need to change if in order for you to get to that point, what would need to change? What is that version? How is she operating?

SPEAKER_01 55:29

How is she operating?

SPEAKER_03 55:30

What is a what is a scenario look like? So, like you said, now a scenario of how you are you don't want to open up, you're afraid of what they do, like what if that version of yourself that you know you want to be, how is she operating in that same scenario?

SPEAKER_00 55:46

I think just me being more outgoing. Like, I like one thing one of my fears is like being out in public, like by myself. So I've been trying to do better with that, like going. Yeah, I have like going on like solo dates is what I call them, or like just recording in public just to make it more like the help on my confidence. So that's what I'm really working on now, too.

SPEAKER_03 56:10

So putting yourself in this.

SPEAKER_00 56:12

Yeah, putting myself in uncomfortable situations that I don't want to be in, but I know it's it's needed for my growth at this point, so yeah. I don't know. So like anybody that you think is listening that may have similar experiences to you, what would your advice be to them?

SPEAKER_03 56:30

That's a very good question. My advice, honestly, would be that regardless of where you're at right now, regardless of what you're going through, regardless of what everybody else is telling you, your actions is what determine your reality. Something that I've learned, and this has literally changed my life in the past like months and some change, like you've seen like me traveling and all this, it's put me into a different mind space, it's made me who I am today. Is that version of yourself that you want to become 10x that version? Because what you will realize is when you're here and you want to be here, you're still here, so you start to think in a way of somebody that's here. So that goal that you set for yourself, you're setting it from a position of being here. And so let's say you were already at this level. Now the goal that you would set is like yo, I can set a higher goal. Why? Because you've already achieved this, you've you're here, so you see that there's more to achieve, but when you're here, you're gonna set a goal that puts you in this box that has this ceiling. Because there's a scripture that changed my life. It says that talks about how everything that we think that we can do, God can do that abundantly 10 times more, more than we can ever imagine.

SPEAKER_01 57:52

Right.

SPEAKER_03 57:53

So I said, how can I start applying that to my life? Every version, every goal that you have, 10x it. Whatever that version of yourself, that whoever that version that you visualize, 10x that, and then take actions on that 10x version. So what that looks like for me and like my life, because I've already been applying this so much and it's changed so much. I told myself, right, that me, since I'm like trading, right? I told myself that my goal is that I want to, you know, make a million dollars from trading. And I said, okay, to next that 10 million dollars. And I said, What actions are required for you to make 10 million dollars? Instead of trying to look at the actions that's gonna make me a million, I started looking at the actions that would make me 10 million, and I realized it would not be the same version, I cannot be the same version that's gonna make a million dollars at 10 million. So, what are all of these actions that I need to take? And now for me, I'm taking those actions towards that version, the version of myself, because I know it's not just about money, the version that I have to become that's able to actually handle 10 million dollars, that huge responsibility because I know if God has 10 million dollars in my life, it's not for me. He's using that, he's using me to help others, he's using this 10 million dollars, not for me, but if I have 10 million dollars, I know I'm building a generation for my children's children, for my family, for this person. I'm helping this person, so it's not just about the money, it's the responsibility that you have for 10 million dollars, and that's what I look at it as well. That version, I need to be that man that is worthy of that. So that's what I work towards now. Those are the actions that I'm taking. Who is this person that I need to become to a million dollars? Not what do I need to do because I know trading can get me to a million dollars. That's simple, and I have an actual roadmap that's gonna get me there. The thing about it is who is that person? Who is the person that becomes making 10 million? Because I can make 10 million dollars and be an evil, wicked person, right? You can have all this money and just be wicked and evil, but that's not the version that I want to be. I want to be that version that God wants me to be. So instead, I focus on the man that needs to be able to handle 10 million dollars, not just making 10 million dollars. So that's the biggest piece of advice. Whoever that version is, whatever vision that you have, 10x that version, and then take the actions of that 10x version. Very big emphasis on the take action. Because you can have the biggest dreams in the world, but if you don't take action on it, none of it matters.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:27

Yes, definitely learned that the hard way in life. I had so many goals for myself, and I was like, Well, dang, actually, if you don't ever get up and start doing something, that never gonna happen. But yes, I think that's what I'm focusing on now too. This is great. Thank you for coming. I love this episode.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:43

I appreciate you, I appreciate you. It was such a good episode, I liked it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:46

Yes, very glad. Okay, that's a wrap. That was so great. But like