5. Oy Vey, Let's Dig In - The Unedited Life

I hit record without cleaning up the sound or the story because real life does not pause for a tidy intro. You might hear pets, kids, distractions, and the kind of chaos that makes you think you should wait until everything is calm before you speak, create, or even rest. I’m done waiting. If you’ve been stuck in perfectionism, constantly editing yourself, or telling yourself “once this season is over, then I’ll live,” this conversation is for you.

We talk about Shabbat, Shalom, and why peace is not the same as silence. Shalom is wholeness, even when the day feels broken into pieces. I share what it looks like to parent through fear and big feelings, to manage the constant transitions of a first responder household, and to lean on communication when stress makes everyone feel incompatible. We also touch on tikkun olam, repairing the world, and how that can start by giving ourselves permission to admit our own world is messy.

Then we get practical about stress management and mental health: how burnout and compassion fatigue show up, how grief and business pressure can trigger “daymares,” and why the body’s symptoms matter. I also bring in a CBT lens on cognitive distortions like catastrophizing and all-or-nothing thinking, with encouragement to notice the pattern, ask what purpose it serves, and challenge it gently.

If this helped you feel less alone, subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find honest conversations like this.

Transcript

Leaving Real Life In

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Oi, ve, hit record. Today, during this episode, I'm not editing out life. I think that in the midst of being authentic and raw in the background, you might hear a cat meow, you might hear a dog's nail shuffling against the floor, or simply one of my children asking for something and maybe sniffling or what have you. In any event, the point of this episode, which I try to make a point out of all episodes, is to show that normally some or in a perfect world we can edit things out. Normally we can't. Not sure if you can relate when it comes to doing virtual therapy sessions, whether you're a therapist or a client or a patient, and your dishwasher is going off, the mailman comes, and then the dark, and then and then the I I put dog and bark together, and then the dog barks, and the maintenance guys are here, and you hear the freaking the blower, the machine blower, I don't even know what it's called. Anyway, sometimes we try no no no, not that. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to make our lives sound professionally edited. Today I'm not. I'm gonna leave it in because this is life. So since it's Shabbat, I also wanted to say Shabbat Shalom. I've always loved the Hebrew word shalom, it literally translates into peace. Shalom is bigger than quiet though. Shalom means wholeness, completeness. It doesn't mean that things are broken per se. It means learning to live with the pieces and still creating something beautiful. The boys and I just watched a movie on Netflix called Nothing to Lose.

Shalom As Wholeness Not Silence

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I don't know if you like spoilers, so I won't ruin it. I love spoilers, it helps reduce anxiety for me. In any event, the movie created a lot of fear and tears and crying, and my boys were both a little in distress. And I told them, I said, you know, it's okay to feel this. A, not only did I find out that Jack is working, oh gosh, a 72. Congrats to us. He's working today, tomorrow, and Monday. So that's always nice. And now we're doing some fort holding or holding down the fort. So yeah, I guess going back to what I was saying about you know, that things can't always be edited, right? Sometimes they just happen. And it's not ideal. There are times when things happen and it's really working against us as parents, as a spouse, as a therapist, as a first responder family, as a business owner, we're constantly, constantly, constantly waiting for things to calm down and so we can live. But that's that's the other thing. Before we create, before we start, you know, like that's what we tell ourselves. You know, once my anxiety goes away, which is probably going to be never, once life slows down, this is our year, our once our kids are older, you know, they'll be they'll, you know, have a job and a career or go to college. So, like, honestly, that that I don't know what that tells us. Maybe it keeps us motivated, fair. Maybe it I don't know, maybe it's you know what? As a therapist, I know what it is. It's not living in the present and it's really telling ourselves, you know, once this happens, then we can live. That's not the case. Let's think that. That's fine. We can have that. We'll think it. You know, I almost didn't record today. I I thought to myself, you're here with the kids, it's Shabbat, let's rest. The brain is broken, it's not working. It's honestly you really need a rest day. And my house isn't quiet. And someone did cry, has cried. The three of us cried. Maybe nine, maybe the cats cried too, who knows? Nine's my dog, by the way. I have reheated my coffee 7,000 times. I definitely have some emails, I'm sure. My laundry keeps giving me dirty looks, and I think it's gonna grow legs and attack me in my sleep. But if I keep waiting for perfect, if I'm waiting for everything to just land the way that it's air quote, supposed to land, you might never hear my voice. Therefore, I might never do this, therefore, we're not ever gonna do this. So, you know, when I say do this too, I just picture, I'm very visual. So when my clients tell me things about their day or their trauma, I see it in my mind. I see the bodies, I see the the surrounding, I see the time of day, even if they don't tell me. And that really, really resonates with me because right now I can see you listening to this, maybe cleaning a counter, maybe walking around or in your car at two point at two times speed. I'm telling you, that's amazing. And so I I see you, I see you, and I'm just wanting you to know like not everything, we can't stage everything. It it there are times when it's really raw, and I think it takes a lot of effort to stage things, you know. I mean, I'm sure it does, right? And and it's okay, like I'm not saying get rid of that. I'm I'm not saying that strength has to go so we can get stronger in a different way. No, I'm saying let's let's be strong all around, let's be healthy all around. So I'm so sorry, I thought my phone died. So here we go. When we do things like wait waiting for ourselves to be perfect, or maybe not that, but you know, it's close to, we we we teach ourselves that something is dangerous. Like we can't just be, we can't just look around and be grateful or thankful, you know, for for our the food that we put on our table or our home, or the fact that we even have laundry detergent, right? Like, let's be real. Instead of just constantly looking at the laundry and it's attacking us, metaphorically speaking, you know, our our own lives should look organized. Spoiler alert, mine doesn't. In fact, the perspective is something that I want to, I want to like, uh I want to say, I'm stuck with my words right now. So I want to that that's a hole that's being poked. Okay, that is terrible. In any event, if I can think of the analogy, I I I will circle back to that. You know, being the being a fire wife, it it's so I'm gonna kill him. Speaking of which, I said I'm gonna kill him, and I don't know if he got that, but my husband just tried to FaceTime. So I will get back to him after this episode. Life doesn't pause because we're trying to create something meaningful, it keeps going. As a matter of fact, I thought about it today watching that really griefy movie with my boys. I hear fireworks. So you're welcome to us. I can't believe fireworks are still going off. It's the 11th. In any event, oh gosh, what was I saying now? So blah blah blah blah, meaningful. Okay, so that uncertainty becomes normal, right? Like we're gonna wait for something to be meaningful. Everything can have meaning right now. You listening to this podcast can have meaning right now, you know. Hopefully you're feeling less alone. Hopefully, hopefully you're feeling more understood. Hopefully, you're feeling heard, understood, supported, and and able to relate to what's going on in in my life and everybody else's life. And you know, it's so crazy because my husband, when I spoke to him earlier, you know, it's we get into this groove where he's away, and then the kids and I do our thing, and then he comes back, and then it's difficult because we're transitioning, and as a as a firefighter, first responder, he struggles with like calming or you know, just relaxing. And so we we handle it in our own way, and he handles it in his own way, and sometimes it's not compatible, sometimes

First Responder Home Life And Transitions

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it's stressful, and sometimes it's chaotic. So a thing that we could do as a spouse and in any capacities is just communicate that, you know, communicate what it is that's going on. A little Jewish reflection for all of you people, for everyone that wants to learn a little bit about religion. In Judaism, there's a beautiful thing called tikkun alam. And that actually means repairing the world. So when someone comes to you and they start talking ill or being toxic, negative, they're they're in their feelings, right? I'm not judging. We all get in our feelings. Um, tikkun alam is something that, you know, what if repairing the world starts by giving ourselves permission to stop pretending ours isn't messy. I know that didn't really relate, but I promise it kind of does. Maybe. So repairing the world, it doesn't like it's so bizarre because we really need to give ourselves permission to stop pretending our ours isn't messy. We all have messy, doesn't matter. All walks of life, all socioeconomic um populations, it sucks. It really sucks. I have a work thing going on right now that's that's really debilitating and bringing me down and creating severe, significant, you know, breakdowns. And it's tough. It affects me, the animals, the kids, my relationship. And what I I can't really do anything right now about it. I'm doing the best I can. I think in one of the previous episodes, I talk about, you know, allocating that time to break to break down and fall apart. I'm it's like when an animal dies, right? Or when when you lose someone in your life to death. How can you tell someone it's okay? How can you tell someone, and this is so crazy because it ties into my husband's profession, his career. He does this every day. You know, he stumbles upon a dead body or, you know, something so traumatic that there's multiple casualties. I mean, I hear it from a different end. So I'm not gonna minimize my profession. For sure, it takes a toll. And I would imagine it does for him and other first responders, and we don't really see behind the scenes what that looks like. So again, messy, right? Messy in in all areas, in any capacity, but also beautiful. Like, when is it beautiful, right? Right right now, I'm sure you could identify what areas of your life is a little discombobulated, and what areas are just absolutely amazing, gorgeous, beautiful, well, uh, all the things that we can count as a blessing. So today I really didn't want to wait. I hit record, you're hearing life happening, you're I'm listening to nobody wants this on Netflix, and while I'm watching it, kind of. It's a really, really good Jewish show. I recommend it. And there's no there's no filter, or sorry, yeah, there's no filter today. There's no staging, there's no, it's okay. It's okay to to be yourself, it's okay to I truly believe, I firmly believe, authenticity is more healing than perfection. And my child is looking at me, and I do, I I do. I I don't know, maybe peace isn't silence, maybe it's you know, maybe shalom isn't is it sounds like our dogs barking, the kids yelling, the coffee brewing, our eyeballs like they're falling out of our face when we get up in the morning. We just want to rest and relax, and someone choosing courage anyway. I mean, isn't that huge? Excuse me, I'm having these like anxiety burps. Facts. By the way, stress hits you in a very physical physical way, so that can look like your stomach turning or wanting to throw up, gagging, having like feeling bloated. Even when you're feeling low, your body is is heavy. So just be mindful of that because these things are are indicators and signs that we are deep, deep, deep, deep, deep in it. You know, I am wondering if this feels allowed right now. I'm wondering if you're like, oh god, this is awful. Like, this is really just, I mean, no, it's it's what are you doing, Emily? Like, why aren't why isn't this the way that it's supposed to be? Right? The intro, the greeting, the the middle content, the organization, the structure. And you know, in acting, there's improv, right? They have scripts, but they also have improv. I can't give you an actor or an actress right now that does that. I think maybe Jim Carrey, and I'm totally making that up. Or it can definitely be true. So not sure. I can fact that I can fact check that later. And if it does feel loud right now, I just want to share that little insight because it's okay. It's okay to feel loud. I I hope it does in a good way, because you're in good company. Chaos, man. Chaos, let's talk about it. Let's get chaos tattooed on our forehead. We can get those little finger sign things that you have at the at baseball games, put chaos on that. You know, sometimes people will say, if I'm out, right, getting a coffee or at a restaurant, or even just saying, seeing someone at the grocery store, and they're like, Oh, hey, how you doing? And I'll sometimes answer, uh, it depends on what do you, you know, what you mean, like define how. And to me, that kind of correlates with the the honesty, right? The honesty of of life and where we're at and how it presents. So I'm not saying if you want to keep up with the Jones, the Joneses, I think it's called, or if you want to have nice things, I'm not saying that there's something wrong with that. Everybody has their thing and have your thing. Have your thing because you deserve your thing. It's your life. And, you know, whether you have that thing or the other thing, there's still a way of we're trying to figure it out. So and what does that even look like? You know, what is figuring it out look like? Does it look like perfection? Does it look like you know, being okay with what with what we have? I mean, I really want to challenge you to think about that because right now I'm looking at dishes, I'm looking at bread that's sitting out that you know doesn't really get closed properly. I'm looking at open packets of simple practice of simple practice. Oh my god, I have brain. Talk about a freaking Freudian slit. To those who don't know what simple practice is, it's it's it's an electronic health record system that you use on for your patients, for your clients. So, whoo, let me take a second to digest that. Anyway, I'm looking at stevia packets, sugar packets, essentially, that are open, that's on the counter. Nine, my dog has bones everywhere. The boys are playing a game on the iPad, you know, there's laundry, always laundry. You know, do you have shoes all the time? Like just hanging out. It's the worst, you know, having shoes right by your doorway when you walk in the house. I don't know what your, I don't want to say guilty pleasure, but it's like similar to that. Like what what the thing in your house, like what that is, right? Is it the shoes? Is it the dishes? Is it, you know, the messy dresser? Is it the towels everywhere? Like, what is your thing? I want to challenge you to think about what your thing is. And I want to tell you to tell yourself, find it, tell yourself to, hmm, I'm gonna find some shalom wherever I can, even if it sounds like an oive kind of day. Oive, I believe, is Yiddish for like, oh my goodness, help me. Anyway, I hope this episode, and I'm not wrapping up yet, so don't get excited. I hope this episode becomes one of your favorites. And the reason why is because it's it's you know, again, listening to podcasts, we we there's a structure and there's insight and there's support and life experiences, and it's meant to help us, it's meant to teach us. The goal right now is is to help, you know, running a business. I have work to do for sure. I I'm grieving, I'm grieving a part of my business, two parts of my two parts actually. I'm grieving that, you know, you have a conundrum and it's some of it's out of your control, some of it's in your control. The the point is to assign me to point. It's a choice. You know, do we learn from it? Are we learning from our hardships? Are we learning

Business Stress Grief And Coping

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what we could have done to be better? Are we are we learning, you know, are we taking accountability? And sometimes, again, right, we can do everything right, what we think everything right is, and there's something that's still out of our control. So as a business owner, that level of stress, and I'm talking about these two situations for me, that level of stress is so heavy. I wake up sometimes, like it's almost like a nightmare, but it's a day mare. Because I'll wake up and I'm like, oh my gosh, please be fake. Like waking up right now, I'm almost like, no, go back to bed. Go back to bed. Because it's not real, it's not happening. And then another part of grieving is when you struggle showing up and whatever that looks like. And sometimes, you know, that struggle of showing up, it I mean, for me, it's not, it wasn't intentional. I wasn't, I don't, and I don't think most, if not all of you, want to show up with bad intention or malice and say, ah, you know, I don't care. Maybe I don't know. But I'm certainly not judging or making that that decision to say that's definite. In any event, where was I going with this? Oh, hoping that you like this episode because this is risky. Oh, the business, right? So whether you're working for you know someone, whether you're working for you, oh man, there's there's ups and downs, and sometimes they're pretty big. Sometimes the the downs can be really, really, really negatively uh impactful. And I tend to use some dark humor, or I'll dissociate and freeze, or I'll see my therapist multiple times. I mean. You know, I'm not no shame. No shame in my game. So that will be a way of handling my stress. And sometimes I fall apart where I'm laughing hysterical. You know, the brain actually does that it scientifically. And and fact check this. Scientifically, there's something called emotional equilibrium. And when we are so stressed out, so sad, so depressed, so low, you know, like when you cry and you start laughing hysterical, that's what it is. It's the brain saying, This is too much. You need to shift gears, even if it's temporary, because if we allowed to feel all of that work stress, all of that that first responder I just bit my cheek. That really hurt. All of the first responder stress, all of the parenting stress, it can be life-altering, or it can be just a multiple multiple things that are getting to us and really affecting us. Either way, it's it's really it is what it is, and we have to deal with it the way that we need to deal with it. And sometimes we intentionally deal with it in a way that look, there's no right or wrong. There's no right or wrong. There's no way, you know, it's whatever works for you. And if it doesn't work for you, then we can find different options. We we can look at different options. And the whole one of the one of the things in this podcast that I'm kind of leaning towards is that we can collaborate together and we can work through that together. We could, we can come up with options and different ways and getting with, you know, get our social support, right? Relying on that and getting out there into the world, going out first thing in the morning and going into nature and the sun, even if you're just going outside to look at the sky or the trees. I mean, something so simple as that can really kind of tackle the day mares. I've made that up. I don't know if that will stick. So another thing, you know, going back to the business piece and grief, I don't know. I can't say that there is an answer to that. What I can say is that we are not immune. We are not immune. Nobody is immune. Doesn't matter. We all bleed red. So that's something that I don't, you know, accepting that is powerful. It really, really, really brings life into perspective. And honestly, it kind of creates a little bit of relief where your shoulders can drop because you're like, oh my gosh, you know, we aren't immune to that. Something has happened to us, and something may happen to us that is truly, truly gonna bring us down to our knees, and we're gonna weep and scream, and you know, just I don't even want to say fall apart. That's doing that's not doing this justice. So, you know, trying to hold things together while still being human. That's what I'm thinking. The business piece, control or no control, it's gonna hurt, right? It's going to hurt. You lose an employee, you and that can be like losing an employee, period, they leave, or it can be like losing an employee and you know they're sick and they're in the hospital and they are at risk for something significant medically, because it, you know, sometimes, sometimes, and it has and it may it continue to affect me. I was recently in the ER for pretty severe reasons, and I'm being closely monitored for my health. What good am I to anyone, my family, to my clients? I am no good, right? Again, we all bleed red. So at the end of the day, if we don't take care of ourselves, nobody's gonna do it. My mom said this one time, once, once upon a time, once in La La Land in Pat in the past, in

Health Scares And Real Self Care

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a time where I don't know, maybe I was going through it, maybe I wasn't. I was probably going through it. She said to me, No one is going to take care of you as good as you can take care of you. And that has stuck with me because it doesn't mean that we can't rely on support, we can't, you know, go to our therapist four times a week. Okay, asking for a friend. I mean telling for a friend. But yeah, it doesn't mean that we can't do or we we can't do those things or that those aren't helpful. What it means is that we the self-care game, the self-care piece, and it's not just getting our nails done or going bowling or you know, playing golf. It means more than that. It means internally meditating, praying if you are religious internally. You know, the doctor literally said, and this is this is crazy. This is freaking mashugana loca stuff. The doctor said, doctors actually told me that my condition is caused by stress, inflammation, and there were two more, and I can't remember what they are, and I think my brain blocked them out for relief purposes. So thank you, brain. Appreciate that. You do such a great job of you know helping me forget things. So we don't I'm not waiting until life is perfect to tell my story. In fact, I think I was more vulnerable today than I have been in any episode, and I think that's risky. I think that as a therapist, practice owner, a firefighter wife, a mom, you know, Jewish, I don't know why I'm throwing that in there. Maybe because it's Shabbat, you know, trying to hold everyone together, maybe because of that is something that you're doing right now in in any way. So, you know, uh circling back to why did I do this podcast anyway? Yeah, sure. I could say I did it for monetary reasons, but no, did I really? I mean, you can't become a millionaire, you know, off of this. What's the reason? What's the why, and what's the purpose? And for me, it was picking it up and saying, you know what, fuck it. Gonna do this and share my story and hopefully it helps others. Not that I want anyone to be in it like this or sometimes like this, but who are we talking to when we're going through this? How many of you have cried at night, felt lonely, felt you know, just felt really low, got up in the morning, and you're rejuvenated and you're ready to take on the day. And then life happens on life's terms, like I've said before, and then we buckle and hit a wall and fall short and come back up and fall short and come back up. So if you're doing that, you know, fucking cheers to us, man, because we're doing that together, together, like a freaking like like tight family, you know, like the same blood. And tying it all together, because I want to be very clear about what this podcast stands for. Tying it all together, the stress, the burnout, the compassion fatigue, that is inevitable, especially if we work hard. So I'm not to be a diepy downer, but let's let's just notice that. And on top of that, a spouse, a parent, I don't even I don't even want to say holding it together, but functioning, you know, functioning and doing it in a way that works for us. And if it doesn't work for us, giving ourselves grace to say, today is a day, today is not my day, or right now is not my right now, but tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new start. So I don't know what that looks like. According to cognitive behavioral therapy, we have distortions in our brain, which the belief system is a little skewed, right? So something wrong goes one day, and all of a sudden I'm saying, why? Why is it every day? Why me? Why does you know God hate me if you're religious? That is, what does that do? What purpose does that serve, right?

Cognitive Distortions And Finding Relief

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Think about that for simmer on that for a little bit because if you catastrophize, how does that make you feel? And how long does it make you feel? Like that emotion. Another one is all or nothing, right? I've I've said this before. If everything is bad, then it then it's all bad. That puts us in a headspace of there's no hope. There's no hope, there's no like light at the end of the tunnel. You know, this always happens. I always get a flat tire, I'm never good enough. So those things, just be mindful of those, that belief system because it's harmful. It doesn't work well for us. And if it if we look at it and lean into it from a perspective of, well, what purpose does it serve? We gotta dig. I'm gonna encourage you to dig. And there's like five or six more cognitive distortions. I encourage you to look them up and to see which ones that you may have, because if you challenge them, notice them, manage them, that can create this day of just hardship, it can provide a little bit of relief. I don't know if you hear little clickety clacketies, but that's my dog. Like running across running running across the uh kitchen floor. So, yeah, what do you have to say? Uh I would love to hear what you have to say. And even if that's reaching out to me, a comment, subscribing, telling me, Emily, I want you to cover this stuff. I really want you to be kind to yourself. You know, the whole the whole like chaos, all of it. Running a business, working, the firefighter wife thing. I really, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. I'm like, he's like, I'm working Monday, and I'm like, okay, no problem. And there's that when really there's probably like a million problems, but I'll get through it. And if I'm not right now, that's okay. And if I'm denying it right now, that's okay too. So that, so being the spouse, holding it down, holding the parenting thing, it's okay if you don't fully show up. I don't look, the encouragement is there. I will be your cheerleader. You can do whatever you want to do. I believe in you. I also believe in a break. So giving yourself a break. Again, we can't show up for people if we're not showing up for ourselves. Our body will break down. It just won't allow us to unless you're like Superman. But even he has kryptonite. So we'll notice that. A therapist, the therapist game, you know, if I'm gonna hold space for people, I need to show up. I need to show up in a in a with a I need to show up in a way that shows up for them because it's not about me. It's not about me. You're important, that's your space, you get to have that. So that's one thing that we learn as a provider. If we ask a question, we need to ask, is this question for me or is it for the client? So that's kind of how I gauge if I'm making it about me. So human noticing it, I feel like sometimes it's not it's scary to know, and I feel the guilt. I feel the guilt and shame of I need a break. But according to my doctor, we should be taking a break every three months. So I don't know. Let's think about that. Let's think about the possibility and let's think about you know being able to implement that and what that would do for us. So yeah, I don't really have anything else today. This session, session, you guys, I cannot get work out of my head, even when I'm trying to give myself a Shabbat. I literally like it's literally shooting out Freudian slips all over the place, like white on rice. Let's bless us for that moment. Let's let's go there, let's lean into that and say Emily loves her job. She loves owning a business, she loves being showing up for people. And I do actually, I do. I just, it's interesting how my brain won won't let me just rest. So today I'm gonna wrap up because I went over time. Again, sounding like I'm in a session. Okay, I'm definitely gonna wrap up because this isn't a therapy session at all. And I wanted to say if you like this, please subscribe. Give me some feedback. I'm more than willing to respond. I'm looking for people to interview for this podcast. And I appreciate you, I appreciate you coming in. Oh my God. I appreciate you listening today. I really do. And I hope you gain something from this. So I'm gonna challenge you. What did you learn from this? What was helpful? What did you take away? What is something that you said to

Listener Reflection And Closing

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yourself, like, wow, I get that. And that's it. I'm done. I'm not gonna have any more therapy words. And I am glad, grateful that you showed up today, even if you I don't say they didn't want to, but if it wasn't on your list. So I'm heading out. Thank you for showing up, and I appreciate you allowing me to be raw and super, super authentic. And that's it. That's all I have for you. Have a good one.