LOSERS

1 - Don't Get Wet

• Konner Kienzle & Bo Bigelow • Episode 1

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0:00 | 1:06:35

Welcome to the LOSERS podcast. In this episode Bo and Konner talk about the L's they took this week: Konner made a critical mistake during a beach day in LA and Bo gave an edgy speech at a wedding that upset his family. They also discuss how straight men's time on top is over. Thanks for listening! 

SPEAKER_00

No, I hope you know we're both failing right now. Yeah, I know. As comedians, we have no following. We're barely getting victims.

SPEAKER_01

Nothing to say for ourselves.

SPEAKER_00

We have no opinions, no perspective. We're getting victims. One place. Speak for your cell phone opinions. No, I've seen your act. Hold on. You're talking about Pac-Man over here. This guy. You're not solving the Iran war. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_01

That's that's all I ever wanted to do when I wanted to. Solve the Iran war? No, maybe. Maybe. Yeah. No, when I started stand-up, I was like, let me let me do stand-up that is simply just nonsense. I was never like, let me have a take on anything interesting. You're never gonna, if if in 20 years you come to my show and I'm headlining, you're never gonna leave and be like, that was really thoughtful or something. It's literally just gonna be like, oh yeah, I had a laugh and there was some weird things that happened, and now I'm now I'm back at home.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you just wanted to have fun with it. Yeah, exactly. Like, I just want to do jokes about the inner life of Pac-Man.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00

And open for Crystal Lea.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That was the dream. Can I say that on air? I will blur that. I will bleep that. I will bleep that. I'm being nasty. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01

No, no.

SPEAKER_00

I'm being nasty because, as I was telling you, I had a weird time in LA.

SPEAKER_01

I know, because no women wanted to speak to you. They didn't want nothing to do with me. Turning their back on you is is that's like it's one thing if you're like, um, I don't I kind of want to avoid this guy at a party, so you know, when he comes up to me, I'll say, Hey, I need to use the restroom or something. But physically turning your back on someone, that's disrespectful.

SPEAKER_00

I agree. And it's not even like I s started it off by saying something crazy. Like I didn't come in hot with some like political opinion, and then they were like, Oh, we gotta drunk. No, okay, I was maybe a little buzzed, but like literally, so I we didn't we just started recording, but um I went to LA and I was hanging out with my buddy, and he had a girl, a lady friend, coming in from New York that he was hanging out with, and she had a bunch of friends that were also in town. And so my buddy was like, Hey, you want to come hang out with like my girl and all of her friends? I was like, Yeah, sure. We go to the beach, we're hanging out. By the way, awesome opportunity. Great time. I would love to get a text like that. But here's the thing we him and I are going to the beach, we're going to go meet his friends at the beach too. At the beach, but here's the thing, we're gonna go meet up, and I I turned to him and I'm like, This should be fun, but I'm also hoping, like, do you is she with like a massive group of people? Because I don't want to roll up on like a beach party with a bunch of people, and then it's just me and you. And he was like, Oh, I don't know. And he calls her and she's like, Oh, I'm waving, like, look, and we look, and it's her and then a massive group of women. It's like 11 girls. Whoa. We go up, we talk, we say hi to her, we kind of say hi to the rest of them. They want nothing to do with us. Are you sure this isn't just a dream that you had this weekend? Are you sure you didn't like get drunk and fall asleep on the plane? No, this is real, dude. So we hang out at the beach, they're kind of not being super social, which is fine. We're at the beach, we kind of came into their thing, that's fine. Then they go to another bar, they invite us to go with them. It's like a the Venice beach Or she only invites your your one friend. Yeah, she's like, Do you want to go? And then she looks at me and she goes, What are your plans tonight? I go, Ow. And we go to the bar with them, and then literally it's like me, my buddy, the girl that he's with is kind of talking to both of us, but then her entire group of friends are in a circle, but their backs are to me.

SPEAKER_01

That are you in are you in the restaurant?

SPEAKER_00

We're outside, we're at the we're at the bar, but we're out front of the bar in like the outdoor section.

SPEAKER_01

Are you seated or are you seated?

SPEAKER_00

Okay, we're all standing, and I am they have their entirely their backs to me and they're in a circle. Wow. And I am completely ice.

SPEAKER_01

The circle part could be good until you say their backs are to you. Yeah, it was a closed circle. If it's a circle and you're in the middle, you're you're in a good spot. Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Like that's no, it was like a little cell wall, and I'm on the outside. I'm like a little cancerous cell that they don't want in. It that was literally- Did you try to get in? Did you weasel in? Dude, I I was putting elbows, I was spilling drinks. No, I'm no, I I mean, I like try I talked to one of them for a second, she was like kind of being friendly, but then she like very quickly was like, okay, and then turned back and sealed the circle again. And I'm like, I didn't say I didn't start it off by saying anything weird. That I just I was like, oh, I'm ugly.

SPEAKER_01

At that point, why didn't they just leave? Like, I feel like if you're not enjoying people that you're around, you clearly did something that that really ticked because you can you could have three like you could have two or three people be like, ah, he's not really my cup of tea, but there was something that you did, I think that you can't remember that happened that you ticked off their entire friend group, like a virus.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, and it just completely Yeah, a red flag went up, and they were like, Okay, immune response, seal the circle.

SPEAKER_01

I I've been awkward around women in my life, and then go, oh, that I shouldn't have said all the time. Actually, not not have been. This is this is just a con consistent. It's just what you do. This is like every time I talk to a woman. You're like, that's my But I've never had like mutual hatred against me. And like you're you don't really like You think they hated you? You don't really give off anything. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, because I just can't see yourself completely closing in on someone in that in that manner. Yeah. Did you try to talk to them afterwards?

SPEAKER_00

No, that it just kind of went on like that, and then they left to go to a concert. I mean, it just went wrong at every turn. They were like, hey, we're going to a concert. And then and then they didn't invite you. No, the friend turned to John and was like, Do you want to go? And he was like, he looked at me and he was like, uh, no, I'm gonna hang. Like intentionally. I'm dude. I literally was like, I guess I'm ugly or something. Maybe you're right, maybe, but like Lee, we literally showed up at the beach. I didn't say anything.

SPEAKER_02

I wasn't like, Yeah, did you go in the water?

SPEAKER_00

Like, I didn't like sit down and I was like, What's the deal with Israel? Like, I didn't do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

I did go in the water. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I was gonna say that sometimes they don't like it when you're the guy that's like Oh no. Because I have a friend who loves going in the water.

SPEAKER_00

That's me.

SPEAKER_01

Yep. Oh fuck. That's what you did. Were you the only one in the water? Bro, I was being like, oh no. You were the only guy, right? I was the only person. Yes. See, see, immediate is like, okay, you're leaving this social situation to be the guy that's like, oh, I let's go swimming. And everyone says no. That is sort of a get-a-clue moment where it's like, no.

SPEAKER_00

This is all done, this is all crashing in on me right in.

SPEAKER_01

And when you're swimming in the water by yourself, you kind of don't realize that everyone uh on shore can see you. You're looking at me.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so you were probably like flopping around, dude. Oh my god. I was like giggling out loud. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Did you have did you have like a nerf football or something?

SPEAKER_00

No, no. No, you're oh my god. This is wow. No, literally, we showed up, we talked for a bit. So you didn't have a ball, any float flotation device, nothing, just you and just me. Okay. That's better. If no, I stood up and I was like No raft? Nothing, nothing. Okay, good. That would have that would have been really bad. No toys. Okay. Let's not get the toys involved. I I literally, we got there, we talked for a second. I stood up and I was like, I'm gonna go in the water. And they were all kind of looked at me, and one of them was like, No, yo! One of the girls looked and she went, Really? I was like, Yeah. I was like, I was like, anytime I go to the beach, I always get in the water, and like, but it's like cold and windy. I was like, Yeah, but I mean I love it. Anyone want to go? And they were literally, they looked at me, they were like, no, dude, and I was like, okay, and I just go in the water alone. I'm flopping around. A dog came up at one point. I was playing with the dog. Yep. I probably looked like a boy, dude. Like they probably thought I was like like different.

SPEAKER_01

I was also, were you were you water convincing too? Like what do you mean? Like, you know, when the guy's like, let's go in the water, and he's like, Come on, it's so nice in there. Like, you gotta go in the water. I wasn't doing that. Okay, you weren't doing that because my friend does that, and that's it. Tries to sell him. Yes, exactly. You can't sell someone on water, especially not a woman. It's a r it's a really hard sell. Yeah, the boys you can you can maybe rally.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, yes, the girls are like, no, I no. The boys, the boys, me and the boys are gonna get wet. Me and the boys are gonna get wet and wild. That's what I said to him. I said, Late ladies, I'm gonna go get wet and wild. And then they said, let's turn our backs to him at the bar. Oh my god. You got water shamed, dude. I got water shamed. Might as well have gotten water boarded, dude.

SPEAKER_01

Fuck. You know what's funny? I I I grew up um with a beach house in New Jersey, um, and I love the beach so much. It's literally my favorite place in the world. I don't like going in the water. I hate it. Why? I love going to the beach. Did you have like a traumatic experience when you were younger? No, it's not. I just once you know what it is, I really don't like the sand, but if I'm dry, the sand is fine. But when I get wet, it just sticks all over my body. It's like a sensory thing. And I exactly, it's a sensory thing.

SPEAKER_00

So maybe we're both different.

SPEAKER_01

I think so because I love a good, a good sand hang. Maybe I'll play some spike. If I play spike ball and get sweaty, I gotta go in the water. That's when it's like, okay, I get I have to cool off. Okay. There's levels to this, is what you're telling me. But I'm not doing it because I'm excited about it. I'm doing it to cool off. Dude, I wish it's a cooling mechanism. Right.

SPEAKER_00

I wish you could have been there. Because you I I would I could have dude, I would have turned you. I would have gotten you out of there. No, no, no, no. I would have turned you and I go, dude, I'm gonna go ask all the ladies if they want to get in the water right now. And you would have you would have grabbed me and went, don't do it. You went, hey buddy, I know you're excited. How about you walk down the beach a couple lighthouses and go in there where no one can see you? Because you're so right.

SPEAKER_01

I wouldn't have I wouldn't have let you go in there.

SPEAKER_00

I was in there like flopping around. I was doing I was doing the thing where I was like jumping onto my back and flopping.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I was like, oh, they don't see me.

SPEAKER_01

See, if you if you had been around a water girl, you would have married that woman. That well, that's my wife. She was the one person that's like actually, I I I don't care that it's windy. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_00

I don't care that it's windy. It's like I don't care that it's a little cold. I'll go in. I'm from Alaska. Oh my dude. I need to marry a mermaid. That's what I need to do. There was uh I guess you're right. I I that's a great point. I didn't need any of them.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I need to be. They're not for you. They're not for me, dude.

SPEAKER_01

They're for me. They're for Bo. I'm a true land creature.

SPEAKER_00

They're for big big man Bo. Yeah, yeah. No, but you're so right. Because the my wife, because I'm at the point in my life where I'm I'm thinking about that. I need the woman who's who goes, I'll go in the water with you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I don't need the girl that goes, it's actually kind of cold, and we're going to a concert leader. Yeah. I don't need the You're so right, dude. Actually, you do, you just flipped my whole perspective on the situation. I left LA being like, I guess I'm ugly. Yeah, it's just water. No, I was just too enthusiastic about a thing that they didn't like. Yeah, and that can that can harm you. Yeah. That can harm you. I did bring up Israel a few times, but You did? No, I didn't. I I wouldn't have brought it up. No, it's like Cole. I had him on the pod 10 minutes and he's defending Israel. I'm like, you're doing it wrong. I'm like, this isn't how we can't use any of this.

SPEAKER_01

I'm like, we can't use literally any of this. But that was gross. My sister got married this weekend.

SPEAKER_00

Dude, yeah, tell me about the uh tell me about the wedding. Dude.

SPEAKER_01

So I got the I always get the rehearsal dinner speeches because I have all sisters. So I I'm never like mate of honor or anything like that. They get the wedding speeches. I get the rehearsal dinner. So I I went on a bachelor party with his friends, and they're all telling me like, oh dude, they're like, you do stand-up, you're you're gonna kill the wedding speech. Like I'm so excited to hear this live. Like there's like they're saying hear this live. And so I'm kind of like in my head, and I talked to my sister like a month before. I was like, hey, like, I could do some jokes if you want, but and she says to me, she's like, roast me. She goes, roast me. My backtracking when my first sister got married, my dad had to read the speech, and this one no one conted, no one contacted me about that. Yeah, so I'm like, okay, like no oversight at all. I guess I can free ball a little bit, a couple riffs. Yeah, I did an act out. I did two act outside. I love that.

SPEAKER_00

You're like, well, I'm gonna be gone for a couple days, won't get to do stand-up. Yes, let's let's make a gig out of this. Exactly. That and so let's not let's make it as little about her as possible. You're up there like, oh, they're nice, my wife.

SPEAKER_01

Like, whoa. So I'm uh I'm in the queue, I'm on deck. You're on deck doing a typefan. And I to be fair, I did put a lot of like sentimental things in it. But there were two lines that were very iffy and honestly, quite frankly, hacky. But I w I was there for laughs. I was not there to express any point of view. Yeah, this is how I do stand-up in general, anyways. And I'm gonna add this for context because it feels important.

SPEAKER_00

Your sister is lesbian, right?

SPEAKER_01

No, what that's another one.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, another one? Yes, yes. Okay, because I thought these jokes were gonna be like No, that would have been just like going hard on that.

SPEAKER_01

That would have gotten me cancelled. That would have been really bad.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, never mind. So that's not this is a different sister.

SPEAKER_01

So I had my other brother-in-law read it, and he was like, it looks good. So I get on stage and I point to my uh new brother-in-law's dad, and I was like, Thanks for opening for me, pal. Killer. Everyone starts laughing. I'm like, great. Easy, dude, easy points. That's a letter. Got him right where I want them. Yeah. And uh I had two. So the first one I said was I go, um, my sister, she's my oldest sister. As a kid, she used to call me out on everything. Why is your room messy? Um uh, or that time that I um broke the wall with a pair of football pads happened. Little laugh. And then I go, or that time when after I'm done taking a shower, she walks in to family dinner and she goes, Um, after Bo took a shower, there was a tub of Vaseline in the shower. Laugh. And then and then I go, and I should have ended it here. I go, which is funny because I guess my sister didn't realize that when middle school boys take showers, our lips get very chapped. Laugh. Okay. I'm just gonna go. And then I go, and then I I go, um, that and we jerk off sometimes. Not even a great joke. Kind of hacky, to be honest. Just calling it how is it how to just low-hanging fruit. Um, I'm standing in front, my family table's to the left, uh, his his old family table, very old, like 70-year-olds, is to the right, and then all of like my sister's friends, etc., in the back. They're cackling. They thought it was so funny. And uh, as I'm looking, I look over, I see his family just just straight facing it. I'm bombing. I'm bombing for his family now. And that's what matters. And then I look over, and my mom is sitting in the front, and she's got her um waving at her neck, and she's going, stop, stop. Oh my god, stop. Bro, you know what that feels like? I'm getting heckled by my mother.

SPEAKER_00

Your mother's the booker, being like, Yes. Dude, that feels like doing like some like showcase mic at the comedy store where like all the comics in the back are just like tackling because they know you're ruining your career, and everyone up front that's like the industry is like, yeah, we're never gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01

This is never happening. So then the other one that I had, and this is where I did an act out. My brother-in-law has kind of a weird walk. So I go, um, I loved him at first sight. I thought he was really cool, except for that weird walk he has. Did an act out of the walk, kill, even killing for his family. And I should have ended it there, but I just wanted to go further. You have to go. So I go, he walks like he has a dildo stuck up his edge. And I hear my mom go, oh and I look over and I just see his family just straight facing me. Oh man. Again, back four tables, killing, dude. Yeah, the best comedy. I'm so in the zone. Finish the speech. Those were the honestly, those are the only two iffy lines. Everything else was kosher and uh Israel. But um, so nice. But so afterwards, all of my sister's friends coming up to me, they're like, dude, that's the funniest wedding speech I've ever heard. Oh my god. What one guy comes up, he just goes, killed. What's your Instagram? Like, wow. And then I'm I'm by the bathroom, I'm feeling kind of good again. I look at my mom, she looks at me and she goes, I don't even want to speak to you this whole weekend.

SPEAKER_00

Oh and walks away. Damn, we're gonna go to ad break for that. God damn.

SPEAKER_01

Did she not talk to you the whole weekend? She she had once once she saw that your boy was catching a little bit of fame in the moment, she was like, Okay, maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Yeah. So she started she started backtracking a little. I think the thing for her is she's like, she texted me this like massive two paragraphs that night. She's like, You're a direct representation of our family, and you're talking about horrible things on a stage for his family, and now they're like, Oh wow, look at the son that that she raised.

SPEAKER_00

Well, yeah, they're like, This is the family that we just legally bonded with.

SPEAKER_01

Is this guy? Is this guy?

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

This is like this is the epitome of everything this family represents. That's just a brutally long job. Just a guy who barely has a job right now, yeah, and he's barely barely hanging on. Just barely hanging on. Probably should quit. And he's Oh my god. And then his dad the next day comes up to me and goes, Fucking loved that speech. And I dapped him up and I'm like, all right, so things are fine. The dad of the groom. Yes, yes. My sister's father That means you're it you're good. I think I'm fine. I t I spoke to him afterwards and he was like, look, you have like a lot of things that you say that are very millennial phrases like hella or whatever. Like I I it it was not I I'm not grammatically well versed, I would say. Right. You barely made it through that sentence. Exactly. I didn't see even the word grammatically. I was doing like like laps in my head, like I'm with you, I'm with you. Um and he was like, I think that's why they just like didn't understand it. Like the some of the things they just didn't know what you were talking about, but they're not yeah, the biggest straight arrows.

SPEAKER_00

I mean the reality is like there's you if you can't kill with the back row like you were doing and the and them and the grandparents. You know what I mean? It's like you either need to kill with the grandparents, and the back row is like, uh-huh, you know?

SPEAKER_01

I could have killed with all of them if I just like did honestly hacky wedding bullshit. Yeah, and I'm not that and I'm not that type of comic, you know? I'm just not that kind of guy. Like if I had said, like, oh, my sister always like put her pajamas on backwards when it's a snow day, it would have killed. They all four tables would have been laughing, but it's like no.

SPEAKER_00

But it's the dumbest thing I don't want to speak about that. No, you want to tell these people that their son walks like he has a dildo in his ass. Yes, exactly, exactly. And then and then I That's brutal.

SPEAKER_01

Instead of doing like with for the whole crowd, I have two crowds in the back that are like laughing there at, like, can't even breathe because they're laughing so hard. So you're telling me you're the kind of comic that splits the room. Not usually, to tell you the truth. No, not usually. I've seen you, yeah. I've never said anything offensive on stage.

SPEAKER_00

But it's tough when you get the grandparents in the mix. Yes, that that is very true. Damn, dude. That text from your mom, huh? Oh did that where when did you read that? Was that when you returned back to New York?

SPEAKER_01

That that's when I was back. I had a uh the wedding was in New York. Oh, but I had a I had we all had hotel rooms, so I was out of Harlem. Um, and then I was back home, and I'm sort of just like reliving it, you know? Yeah. You know, after like you you do a really good set, you're you're sort of just like, oh man, it's you're like, God, I'm good. Yeah, I'm so good. And then I just got the text immediately and sitting in bed. But then, you know what? That speech united the entire wedding because either you were talking about it because you hated it or you were talking it about it because you thought it was funny, you were still talking about it, and then people families that didn't know each other were conversing over this, you know?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, the grandparents bonded over like they're like, What is that? Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01

And then they're like, Hi, by the way, my name is Bill. And and then like it goes from there. So I think I think more positive than my mom even read plus story for the rest of my life. True.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean, whatever, dude. Yeah. Your mom was upset for like a day. Yeah, she's longer. Sister got married. You can't be mad for the Yeah, no, she's she's still upset. Yeah, she's gonna be upset for a while. Yeah. I kind of want to read this text now, but it's that's your thing.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, I'll show you. Uh should I just read it right now? Ah, you should let me read it.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Let me find this. Good God. That is tough. I did a speech once for my brother, best man speech, but I I I did very middle of the road, kind of hacky stuff. I just kind of played it safe. Because they're super religious too.

SPEAKER_01

Really?

SPEAKER_00

He is now and his wife's family very southern, very religious. I was like, let's just play this safe and not do anything crazy. Let me see this.

SPEAKER_01

Let me see if there's one that's better than this, but I found a really, a really scary one.

SPEAKER_00

Oh god. I mean, also, yeah, we don't need to I just threw it out there as an idea, but if if it's if it's too I'll read it to you all. If it's too nasty, then you don't have to. But I'm just so curious.

SPEAKER_01

This is her text. Stand-up can be clean and we and be very good. Andrew's parents, my f my brother-in-law, are very nice, but they are a different age than dad and I by 15 years. I felt that mentioning jerking off and dildos really took away from your awesome message about Savannah and Andrew. And a wedding that has a lot of old people isn't the right time to make off-color jokes. Those jokes about jerking off and dildos in the ass and multiple F bombs, which just dumbed down your jokes. They are good for a group of guys, a stage at Rodney's, a bachelor party, etc. They sucked for rehearsal dinner. And I'm mad that you don't care how it reflects on me and dad as parents or on uh on you as immature or tone deaf. And I screw my response. I go, kind of killed though. For some of them.

SPEAKER_00

But it was good though. Damn, dude, she hit you with a kid.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know how many times I have to say it. Tonight wasn't about you.

SPEAKER_00

You're like, but it kind of was though.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And then she goes, it was I go, wait, but some people told me it was really funny and that it united the crowd. And she goes, No, it wasn't the best. It could have been, but you made it lowbrow and unint unintelligent by picking the low-hanging fruit. Who the fuck told you to do stand-up? And that's it. And then next day we were completely fine. That's it. Because she was more excited that my sister was getting married than to make it about that.

SPEAKER_00

Well, thank you for reading that. I'm sorry I made you do that.

SPEAKER_01

I'm glad I'm not disowned. We we're we're cool now. Me and mom. We're fine.

SPEAKER_00

I just love I felt that the jokes about jerking off in dildos took away from the greater message. Yes. What a text. Yeah. What a text to get from your mom.

SPEAKER_01

I know. And it didn't. It was too the the the the speech was eight pages long. And that was two two sentences in the whole A pages. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I mean you could you could you could say that about a lot of historical speeches. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That's that's a good point.

SPEAKER_00

That's a good point. You're like, well, most of the time he's talking about the economy. My gump. He just wants the economy to be better. Like it's just it's just a few sentences in there where he says, How we're gonna fix it.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, yes. The German state is amazing. We should fix it. Oh, yeah, also fuck the Jews. You're like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00

That's yeah, that's your that that was you, that was your struggle. Is you trying to do comedy. That is Bo's struggle. Is trying to do comedy at your sister's wedding. Your mom's like, who the fuck who the fuck told you to do standing?

SPEAKER_01

I told I was bombing for like two two weeks before that and like just not in a not in a good spot. And so I needed that. Like I think I did make it about myself. So I was like, I I I have a room that I know I could kill in if I say two fucked up things and boom.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I think I don't know if it's it was either That's selfish for sure. It might have been after. I don't know if I've seen you. I just remember that you had told me that you were kind of for a bit feeling like not on your game, and then I saw you and you were like, I found my voice, I'm back. Yes. I don't know if it was because of this event or maybe before. I think I think it was because of this. Like, no, yeah, I'm back.

SPEAKER_01

It was last week. It was at an open mic where I just felt comfortable again. Like I was getting like I was getting like really nervous again, which is so weird how that sometimes it sometimes just comes back to being like my heart races or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like at least for me, I feel like it always is tied to my material.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

It's like I've if I have material I'm working on that's solid, I'll feel on top of the world for like a week or two.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But the second that I'm like, okay, I need to do something new, like a new bit, then it can it can bring me back to like, do I know how to do this? Yeah. Like I'm terrible at this.

SPEAKER_01

It is so weird. Or it's I I you know what it was? I had a joke that was like doing really well, and then for I don't I think just the way I was saying it, etc., it just stopped working. Like it was just bombing. And I was like, what the hell? This used to be so funny, and now it's not anymore. Like no one's laughing at it anymore. It's so weird how that works. Like I don't know. I it was like my it was like for a few weeks like my best joke, and then all of a sudden and and then I think because it stopped working, I got self-conscious about it, and then I wasn't like doing it correctly or saying it correctly.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that can happen though. It's like if you have a joke that's great, you do it so many times, you kind of just like take the take like take the energy out of it. Yeah, yeah. You're so right.

SPEAKER_01

Especially I get bored too sometimes.

SPEAKER_00

Well, yeah, and especially if you find yourself doing it for crowds with the same people in it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like if you do if you do it multiple times and there's like two or three people that you know have seen it before, that takes the energy out of a joke. Yeah. It's different if you're doing it for a crowd of people you don't know and it's different shows all over the city. Yeah. When you start doing a your your best joke at a mic and you start seeing the same people that have seen it before, it just like you feel weird. You're like, oh, they've seen this, they know where this is going. I feel like a hack. Like it can just suck the energy.

SPEAKER_01

And then and then you and then you run and fumble through it because you're like, oh, whatever, it doesn't matter. I just am supposed to say this out loud again. Yeah, and then you bomb it and you're like, oh, I guess this sucks. I think that's what was happening. And also another thing, because I've been producing this like uh kind of one and a half, two month show. Um all the same people come to that show, or a lot of them, so then it's it is good for me because then it just means I need to cons continue like churning out new material, but it's also kind of annoying because I'm like not annoying, but it's just I'm like, okay, I can't. There's so many jokes that I've done for them a million times. I'm just like, I can't do that anymore. But that's like a part of my act. Like if you think of like my next four years or five years trying to like actually maybe build like a special that I could release on YouTube and then in five years, I would take all of these ones that I'm doing right now that are really strong. Yeah, but I can't really say them right now because of that. Because it's the same people watching me.

SPEAKER_00

It's tough. You always want to be trying to work on like your next tight five. Yeah. Well, I think we're both at a point in our career and an a an age where it's like we should be thinking about like what's our 30 minutes. Yeah, I I've definitely But doing doing comedy at Mike's is like so antithetical to that. Yeah. It's like every week some everyone's bringing new stuff, and it's like there's and you and like you bring new thing, it does great, and then you just like forget it and you do another new thing. Do you you what's the longest one you've done so far? Um I did I did I did 20 minutes at the where was it? Um I did 20 minutes at the Fort Lauderdale improv. Okay. And it went okay.

SPEAKER_01

What what uh what what what were the challenges that made it go okay?

SPEAKER_00

Um, well, I mean part of it was I didn't even know I was gonna be doing that long. The headliner and his feature were late. Yeah. I was hosting the headliner and the feature, who you know, um, were late to the show. So I get the call like right before the show starts. They're like, hey, we thought it was at 7 30, but uh and I was like, oh, it's at 7, it's about to start, and they're like, Yeah, we're gonna be late. And I was like, okay. And they're like, they're like, ask the manager like how late we can start, and then you go on and just go until we get here.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00

And I had prepped like 10 minutes of like my best stuff.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

And I had maybe I could maybe do 15 if I added in a bunch of other jokes that were like, eh. Or like talk to the crowd a little bit. Did you know? Yeah, so I ended up doing both. I had to just do other jokes that I had that were kind of like I did my the I did my 10 the way that it was, and I had done it like the previous night, did great. And then I moved to like the five minutes of like other jokes, and it was kind of up and down, and then I was able to do some crowd work, and then I get the light and they came on, and it was like decent. But I mean that that was 20. The most that what realistically the best I could do right now, probably like anywhere from 10 to 15.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like you could do 20.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I guess now, I mean if I really good shit. Yeah, if I really like compiled all my stuff, and then with some crowd work, I think I could maybe do 20.

SPEAKER_01

I did I did 20. I was the reason I asked you like what went wrong is because I did 20 um in uh Vermont opening for this guy, and it it was actually a good set until the end. I I almost got tired. Like it just you're talking for so long and um trying to like maintain that you know the order of things. It was because it was also the first time I'd ever done it. I started off really strong. I'd say like through minute 15 to 16, it's really good. And then by like minute 17, 18, I noticed I had put like all of the shit that I didn't really like care about as much in the back because I just wanted to come out and like be solid as much as I could. And then it's like you get to the end, and then I also like the hardest thing is like I'm like, I don't have an ending for any of this. You know, you have like one banger joke, it seems so like um such a good way of like ending the storyline that you've created. I didn't have that at all, so it was sort of just like I had like sort of a tag or something like that, and then I'm like, all right, bye guys, thanks for having me. And they're kind of just like, okay, that was weird, like the good set. Like people were still telling me, like, nice set, blah, blah, blah. But I don't know, it's just it's such a different game in a way.

SPEAKER_00

No, you're definitely right. And I that's a good point. I did I did the same thing, and I guess that's just a matter of prep, but like where I had my 10 with the I did the same 10 and close with my closer, but then was like, oh, now I need to do five minutes of other jokes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's a problem. Like, if I could if I would have had a little more time to prep, I would have figured out a way to like have an alternate set where I put those other jokes in the middle somewhere and then still end on the closer I was supposed to. Exactly. Because it was the same thing for me where it's like I had my closer, it was great, and I was like, all right, uh, here's another thing. Let's talk about uh school shootings or like whatever my other like half baked, yeah, whatever my other half baked joke was.

SPEAKER_01

It has nothing to do with anything you talked about at all. And then kind of just like, why is he throwing out this weird topic now?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. So that was that was like basically how it went for me. I mean, it was decent, but it was just one of those things where I'm like, it made me realize like I need to, even though if I'm if I'm going to a gig and they want me to do 10, yeah, from now on, I need to sh have my 10 planned, like down to the T, but I also need to have an alternate set of like let what if they asked me to do 15? What if they asked me to do 20? I should go to the gig knowing what that alternate set is gonna be. That's really because it's happened a couple times on some of the road gigs that I did this past like couple of months, yeah, where for whatever reason I had to end up doing longer. Like one of the times they were late, another time the feature was sick, so I had to, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

So it's like Whoa, I've never that's actually good advice because I've obviously I haven't done something like that yet. And I think I would lose my fucking shit.

SPEAKER_00

So dude, it's happened to me now like three times from from different circumstances, and I was like, Yeah, I need to show up like with alternates.

SPEAKER_01

Dude, it's I mean, I guess when I when I opened for Dalia, I just thought that I was going to um to watch him because like I had done that at the Laugh Factory when he lived there, and that's sort of how I met or when I lived in LA, and that's sort of how I met him. But I went in expecting that I was gonna watch him, but then there was this weird little thing in the back of my head that was like maybe I get a spot, and then I but I in my head I was like, there's no way. Like he's never really seen my stand-up, he's seen a few clips and he liked them. Yeah, but then I got I got there and immediately he's like, All right, do however much time you want. And it like again, I I really think if I I I I think if I didn't already think in my head like this might, I would have freaked out so much more and been like, oh my god, I'm going up in front of 2,000 people now. But um, slight flex for the pod. But um what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_00

That is it was scary. That's sick because it was like a theater. You how many people say it was it was like 2k. Yeah, that's insane. I mean, I've I I've never done a theater like that. But it is good that you had, even though like in the moment it feels like oh, I'm being so delusional and silly, yeah. It's like it actually paid off because you were like slightly in that zone of like, oh, he asked me. I I already thought about it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but it was so funny, and I I talked to his opener afterwards. Um, the guy was like, Oh, we were always gonna do that. Like, we wanted to see how you would handle it, and you handled it very well. Wow. Because like as I'm going to the stage, because there was like only three minutes of time before, so in three minutes, I'm like, oh, I'm here. I'm gonna go sit down in the in the stadium and watch him or the theater. Within three minutes, I'm walking out to the stage and I'm like frantically checking my notes, and I'm like, holy shit. And he goes, uh, he looks at me, he's like, You don't need to do that, man. Put your notes away. Oh, you know, welcome to the stage now. And I'm like, I actually did need to do it. Like, buddy. Yeah, I'm like, wait, so are you telling me that?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Whoa. Really? Whoa.

SPEAKER_01

We're gonna we're gonna have an ad break. Fuck, I'm being a problem. Oh my god. You know, oh my god, you know what happened to me getting into the subway today? I'm just making a note of this. Uh no, what happened? There was a Jesus guy. You know those guys that scream about Jesus? Jesus, guys. Yeah. And um, he was screaming and he goes, uh, God hates homos. Homos. And no one responds. Everyone stares at him, and then he goes, I said homos, not homeowners. And it just clicked, it clicked in my head. I'm like, did it's this thought process? No one's responding because they're like, this guy hates homeowners.

SPEAKER_00

What is wrong with he's like canvassing for Zoran?

SPEAKER_01

What? And he's like, if I specify that it's homos, he's like, no, the gay. He's like, no, I love homeowners.

SPEAKER_00

Homos. I feel like if you look at the numbers too, there's probably more homos that are homeowners. Yeah. They seem to be doing great. Oh, they're doing so much better than like in New York, especially. Like the gay, I mean, they are the gay men seem to be on top of it. They've got the jobs, they look nice, they have the homes, they have the condo. We're we're in we're in trouble. No, we're in deep doo-doo.

SPEAKER_01

The straight men are we're in trouble, dude. You're right. So may there is probably a correlation between homeowners and homos. Yeah, that guy's onto something.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. We should find him. That is an interesting thing, though, because I just on a a slightly a slight tangent. On my hinge profile, here's the deal. Are you on hinge?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah. I'm all over it, Pat. Like, oh, I'm putting on, I'm I'm doing work. I'm doing some likes. I'm putting up numbers, doing some comments. I'm sending some roses on now.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I sent a couple roses the other day.

SPEAKER_00

Dude, the ro dude, the way that that app just throttles you, like you'll be liking, you're like, whatever, and then you see a chick that's like, whoa, you're like just bananas hot. Yeah. And then it's like, you're like, oh, let me send a rose, and then you're out of roses, and then it brings up the thing, it's like $3.99 per rose. You ever thought about it? I have, buddy. That's how that's how sad my life is, is I go, I'll buy one. It's awkward if you don't do it all the time.

SPEAKER_01

If you marry a girl that you didn't give a rose to.

SPEAKER_00

No, it's awkward if you marry a girl that you paid $3.99 to get a rose and send it to her. That's such a lame story of how we, it's like, how did you meet mom? You're like, oh, well, I was out of roses on hinge.

SPEAKER_01

There was a couple hot girls that I gave roses to, and I didn't have enough to give her a rose, so I paid for her rose. Like, look, maybe that's sweet, actually.

SPEAKER_00

No, you're like, there were like three other women who were honestly hotter than your mother that I used the roses on. But then I saw her and I thought, she's really hot, but in an attainable way. So I'm gonna pay $399 because I have a pretty good chance. I have a good feeling about it. See, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_01

The other ones I had no shot for.

SPEAKER_00

That's what hinge does to you. It turns you into what I'm saying right now. You just start saying nasty stuff. The point at the re God, we're gonna we're not gonna we're gonna scrap this whole pod. No, no, the the reason that I bring it up is because on Hinge, for a while I was kind of trying it. I was getting some trap, whatever. It's fun. But I got it is fun. I got to a certain point with the like the description of yourself, the the prompts that you can do about yourself, all that where I was like, I need to stop trying, like to be like cool or whatever, and I just need to like be like goofy and write shit that makes me laugh. So like I'll literally pull up my my thing, and like I said, beforehand, he wow, are we both pulling our things up?

SPEAKER_01

Yes, okay. As soon as you said it, I was like, let me see if I have any. Because I always I always start with a comment. That's what I do.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, that's that's the way to do it. So on mine, I'll show I'll tell you. I was like, you know what? Let me start. I I like scrapped the whole account. I was like, I was trying to be cool. I was like, I just got here from LA. I'm into surfing. Like just like just the douchey of stuff. I was like, let me have some fun. So first it's a picture of me. And this one's a nice picture. I was like, let me start with like a good video.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, that's a good is that at the improv? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Uh it's it's yeah, it's one of the photographers.

SPEAKER_01

She doesn't know how good of a venue that is. She has no idea. She has no idea that she's not.

SPEAKER_00

She has no idea what it means to get photographed in the staircase of the Hollywood Improv. But that's fine because I'll tell her when we meet. But look, so it starts with this. I was like, let me just let me just have the first thing is this. It says, before we meet, you should listen to Come on. Come on! Hurry up, dude. Dude, literally. I need to see this. Oh, it's because my service is so terrible. Really? I have all bores. All bores. All right, all right, pal. Anyways, it doesn't matter. It's an audio clip from Spongebob. You sent it? It's it just says it's like it's on my thing. It says before you meet, you should listen to, and then it's a little thing you can play.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

And it's it's the clip from Spongebob where he's like played into the mic. I'm trying, but the service is so shitty. It's the part in Spongebob where he's like, um, one crusty crab pizza. And the guy's like, what about my drink? Oh, yeah. You forgot my drink. Yeah. I just I thought it was funny. I like that part. Then it goes, I I love it. Go down, it goes, I recently discovered that I'm gay with the nail thing. You put that? Because I thought it was funny. Right, right? You go down, then it's just a nice photo of me, another photo of me. Then it says, A random fact I love is I'm not gay. That see? Throw them for a loop.

SPEAKER_01

That's true comedic intelligence.

SPEAKER_00

Then I say most spontaneous thing I've ever done. I went to the Area 51 raid, but I promise I'm not crazy. True. Then I do this photo.

SPEAKER_01

That's a good response, actually.

SPEAKER_00

I do this photo. Are they all funny photos? Kind of. It says finally got unbanned from Facebook. This website is my favorite. And then it's the JD Vance meme.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah, they love that one. Dude, and I'll tell you this. Dude, pulling up to a chick with a JD Vance meme, oh my The ladies love it.

SPEAKER_00

I can't tell you're so right because so many responses I get are are them commenting on the Vance meme. Yes. And I and they I'm like, do they like him? Do they hate him? I can't tell. Women in JD Vance memes go together.

SPEAKER_01

Peanut butter and jelly is. That's not for us. That's for them. It's a little for us, but it's it's mostly for them.

SPEAKER_00

But I'm telling you, dude, once I revamped the profile with just like, let me just be goofy and crazy, I was getting, I mean snaps immediately. Dude, it was I was getting so many matches, and a lot of them were also commenting on the prompt. I love how you're just like fully just putting in more comments on the pod. On pod.

SPEAKER_01

I'm looking at you and you're like, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. As soon as you brought it up, I found ones from a while ago, and I was like, wait, why didn't I message this girl? She's Bro, we're on the pod right now.

SPEAKER_00

I'm looking over and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, no, yeah. Yeah, no, I agree. Just yeah, you scumbag. But dude, lit, I was once I revamped it, I was getting so many, and my reason I bring up this whole story, a lot of the responses I was getting was the thing where I say, I recently discovered that I'm gay. Yep. And then I would say the random fun fact is I'm not gay. I thought it was funny. Yeah. I get a lot of responses on that where they're like, so are you? Oh, and I'm just like, Because they didn't read the second prompt. Yeah, some of them they're like, oh, are you? But then they still keep messaging, and I'm like, what is happening here? Like, I guess they're looking for a friend, but it there's Why would anyone I never get there? There's something about straight women. There's girls, it is happening in society. I'm making a larger point here. Okay, yeah, yeah, I know. That's why I shut up.

SPEAKER_01

Did you see I immediately shut up?

SPEAKER_00

There's something happening in the culture with straight women being attracted to gay men in a way, where it's not just like a friendship thing, but it's where it's like like they kind of are done with like outspokenly obviously straight men. They seem to be a little done with them. Yes. And they are kind of going around like the heated rivalry stuff. They're going cuckoo bananas, watching guys. It's like, what's happening? Bo? The question, I'm I'm passing it off to you.

SPEAKER_01

Give it to me. Like, all right. So let's do this. So here's the deal. Okay. I've seen this as well. So I'm not crazy. It no, you're absolutely right. Flamboyant men right now are on top. They're having a moment. Immediately. Yes. Because they go, they go, um, well, we've dealt with a lot of shitheads in the past. Let's find one that's secretly gay. Keep going. Dude, how about this? Sorry, I'm getting off topic. No, but you're I think you're right. It just clocked in my head that I had a family friend whose whose dad was gay the entire time and like was cheating on the mom for like years and hooking up with bed and no one knew. And that's crazy. That is Looney Tunes. I think I stole that from Rick last year that says that. That is little bit little bonkers. Now that's all, folks. That's where you need the little soundboard. Yeah, I I wonder, I think it's because they connect with them better, you know? Well, it's okay. They're more put together than us.

SPEAKER_00

Well, we just talked about it. Yes, yes. They're they have the homes. They look good, they're homos. They have jobs. Yes. I think straight men have been in a tailspin for the last since COVID. Even pre-COVID. But I feel like pre-COVID, there was still a sense of like what we what they were, what we were. Like we had a feeling of like, this is who I am. Not everyone loves it, but I still know. But I feel like since COVID, I mean, we're going down the drain. Women don't really need us anymore.

SPEAKER_01

We don't serve a purpose anymore.

SPEAKER_00

We serve no purpose.

SPEAKER_01

No purpose.

SPEAKER_00

Have you seen the the the the the the the technology coming out? This is the same the tech that they have that to replace us? Do you know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, it spins, it's like a bob pitch. It spins, it turns, it flashes, it lights up.

SPEAKER_01

If you click it on your heels, it just gets lights. Dude, it tells it gives you compliments? It asks you about your day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like, how was your spin class?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, we're done. We're done in a couple years. It our time is over. I think our time is over. It's been, it's, yeah. It's it's been over. We're done. But that's what, dude, a gay man dresses better, a gay man has a better job, a gay man is more fascinated by things they like, not sports, etc. Listen more. Exactly. They listen more. Um we're done. There's no there's no coming back from this at all. You know who else beats us to the punch? Gay women. I've seen my my gay sister will bring her friends over, and some of them are these five, four fat butch with fucking tattoos everywhere, and her girlfriend will walk in and it will be the hottest girl that you'll see at this bar. And I'm sitting there and I go, What am I doing wrong? Everything. It's sad. I'll answer the question. Everything.

SPEAKER_00

You're doing everything wrong.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you're right. You're trying to be a professional clown. Have you ever had a girl really like you though? And you're like, what?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like I was with a girl one time and she goes, You're so hot. And I go, What?

SPEAKER_00

Dude, that it blew me away. Dude, that actually that's been and that didn't always used to be the case. I feel like there was a few years back, like college maybe, where if it happened, I would have been like, oh, cool. But you're so right. Yeah, we're in an era now. Like modern day, if a girl was like, You're so hot, and I just love your whole vibe, like I'd be like, what is happening? Like, are you here to kill me? Like, have you been sent to kill me? What is I love, dude.

SPEAKER_01

I love that how you're like, we're new. You're so fucking hot. We're like hooking up and I go, What? What wait, wait, wait, what? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Like, whoa.

SPEAKER_00

Eyes fall out of your head. I mean, I guess we're never coming back from this.

SPEAKER_01

No, and that maybe that speaks to my own self-personal confidence, confidence. Um, but it blew me away. I kind of like women that hate me. That's what I would say. Yeah, yeah. That is so much more fun.

SPEAKER_00

I think you're right. That is that is I I don't know. I feel like we're in a similar, we're in a similar like uh classification too. Yeah. Where it's like we're not, you know what I mean? I I I I am a straight man, but I don't think of myself as being like super like broy, aggressive, you know, I like I can put a nice outfit together. I feel like I kind of I kind of walk between worlds in a sense. Yes, you're an old shapeshifter. Yes. My oldest brother is is gay, right? And I've took I took a lot of my social cues and stuff and f fashion cues and just a lot of like a lot of my social life, I feel like was influenced by him. Yeah, he was always really good. Like most of his friends were women. He what he got along really well with them. I feel like I do too. You know, he is good at dancing, he can cook, he can do all these things. I feel like I learned a lot from him, so I feel like I I have a little bit of that in him. Damn, he sounds awesome.

SPEAKER_01

He's a great dancing, he can cook.

SPEAKER_00

Women love him, but he doesn't love them. But I but I'm just I don't know, I'm I'm losing the thread here, but I think you are right. I think we're in a tailspin that we're never gonna come out from. Have has anyone? We're getting replaced really quick, and to your point too, with there are there are there is and I don't want to get too nasty here, but there is a section of like lesbian women where it's like they're killing it, right? And they've kind of like co-opted the straight man style. Yes. And they and I credit to them. They've taken everything except for the like misogyny, I guess.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's so, and I have to give my hats off to them because also what they do is they they'll they go, oh, straight men, fuck you. Like they hate us. Yes, they hate us so much. It's like they just took everything that we that we like. They took everything we had. Because yeah, you'll like you said, you'll see them, they're wearing the same fits. They're wearing the same fit as me. Exactly, same fits. They're getting better looking girls than us, and then they turn around and they go, fuck all men. And you go, Oh, you guys won.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, no, it's like you took everything we no, but then we didn't see it coming though. That's no, we dude, and it's the simplest, that's how dumb we are. It's the simplest thing. It's literally they took all of our style and they go, but let's just not do the misogyny part.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we're standing here like, oh, but they didn't do that. But if they did sneaky do it, no one would know. But here's the thing, they might. Because I don't know. Sometimes are super misogynists and it just gets it just gets complete no one pays attention to it at all. Oh no, I've heard I've heard gay men just be like, yeah, they women can't tell a story to save their life. Dude, my my sister has this gay friend who's uh in all their female friend groups and is always at the weddings, and he dances with the bride so provocatively every wedding. Like he's slapping her butt and stuff, and I I look at it and I go, Oh, I could never do that. No, and I could and and he's fine. He's like he might he could eat her pussy um tonight, and everyone would be like, Oh, he's Bo, no, he can't. No, Bo no he can't.

SPEAKER_00

Bo, don't go there with me. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No, he can't. He wouldn't want, he wouldn't want to.

SPEAKER_00

No, you're just mad. He would have a gun. No, you're mad because he's doing that, and meanwhile, you're doing jokes about it and then getting canceled. Yes.

SPEAKER_01

You're doing jokes at the wedding about you're like jerking off, and you're like, and I'm like, did you see what he did with her last night? And they're like, oh, it's it's fine though. It's completely fine. And you're like, what is happening? No, that's they both beat us. We're proven too.

SPEAKER_00

It's both of them. We lost. You're proving the point. It's because it's through your it's through your words. Yes. You're getting you're you're causing your own downfall through your words. Yeah, man, we're uh we're in a tough spot. We have it tough. We I guess we do have it a little tough.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, maybe we don't, but have you ever have you ever uh have you ever had a girl like pity fuck you? No. I I need it. Sounds like you have a story.

SPEAKER_00

I need to hear your story so that I can see if I have a story.

SPEAKER_01

I just remember there was a real uh good-looking girl I was kind of seeing in LA, and we're hooking up, and she stops and she goes, I can't I wouldn't have sex with you, or something like that. And I go, it was so hurtful. Like I genuinely was like, Alright, okay, we can just watch TV. And then midway through the TV, she goes, actually, I kinda wanna have sex right now, so uh, we'll just do it. And I still did it. I was like, I still wanted to. So yeah, like, alright. But then she and we were sober too. Like, I brought her dinner and stuff. Even worse. It was fun, it was it was great. Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with it. Let's not say great. It was then afterwards, I was like, oh, bro, that's like it's like car maintenance. I was a toy, yes.

SPEAKER_00

It's literally, it's like bring it into the shop, let's do a little maintenance, get them out. Like there's just no feeling.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then we never spoke. We we had gone on three dates from Hinge. After that, I went home, texted her for a week, whatever. Cut off. Bro, that is yeah, that is brutal.

SPEAKER_00

It's also actually I just I mean, yeah, she's like, You look so sad.

SPEAKER_01

I just yeah, she's like, You're here, and I could use some.

SPEAKER_00

All right. She goes, the what the your sadness is like bumming me out. So let's just do this. I still hit though. Yo, he still hit though. It doesn't even matter. That's the guy brain. You're just like, yeah, but I still did it. That's oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

That is wild. It was scary. It was a pity fuck. I was being pitied. It was like a make a wish fuck. She was like, all right, you I guess.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, just a sick, sad little boy. Yeah. And she's like, well, alright. Please. It's like John Cena rolling up. She's like, we can do this, but you can't see me.

SPEAKER_02

Excuse me, that was disgusting.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00

No, it's literally it's the John Cena. She's like, we can do this, but only doggy because you can't see me. And I don't want to see you. And I don't want to see you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No, he's usually Mish.

SPEAKER_00

Dude, that is that is wild. I don't I don't know if I have a I don't know if I have a pity one like that. That's kind of pretty unique to your experience. No offense.

SPEAKER_01

Unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00

But that's kind of unique to you. Yeah. I had one, I'll tell this one. Um it was like back, it was like I think it was like right before COVID happened when I was still in college. And there was this girl who I had started kind of talking to. We went on some dates and we were kind of hooking up a little bit. Um, and it I think it was like as COVID, it was like the day that classes shut down, and it was kind of I was kind of like, shit, I don't know if I should be going outside and shit. This is kind of crazy. She hit me up that night and she was like, Hey, I'm at a party right now, but it's boring. Like, do you want to hang out? And I was like, Ah, sure, whatever. Um, so I'm like, Yeah, come over. So she comes over, she gets there, and I was like, Oh, how's the party? And she's like, Oh, it was pretty fun. She's like, Let's go to your room. And was just like very like forward about it. I was like, Oh, like, okay. Immediately? Yes. That's exciting. It was exciting, but here's the deal. We we were like getting to my room, and as we're getting like to my room, I'm like seeing her like walk and talk, and I'm like, oh, like she's like kind of like she's drunk. And I I was like, dude, I was literally I might have been like a little high. I was like literally playing video games like in like my dorm room or whatever, or like my like apartment, what when she texts me, and I was like, Yeah, but I can tell she's like kind of drunk, and I was like, Oh, like I don't know about this. We get to my room and she like kind of just like starts trying to kiss me, and I'm just kind of like in my head, I'm like, oh, this is weird. And I was kind of like, I'm like, I should say something. And then she like literally like takes off my pants, starts like trying to like you know, jingle stuff around, and I'm just and then I'm like, hey, actually, like uh maybe like let's maybe like not do this. And she was like, Why? And I was like, Oh, like I I'm just like ah, I'm like, I'm I'm just kind of not feeling it. And she's like, You're not getting hard. And I was like, uh, well, I was like, Yeah, uh, maybe we shouldn't. And then she's like, What? And I'm like, Can we just let's just not do this? I was like, ah, like you seem like I don't know, I'm just not in the mood. Like, I didn't want to be like you're drunk. I was just like, Oh, I'm just not in the mood. And then she bro, she like starts launching into this thing where she's like, Yeah, you men are all like this. She's like, I don't have time to be your therapist. She's like, if you have problems getting it up, that's not my problem. And like goes into that rant. And I'm like, What? I was like, no, and I was like, hey, I think you should just leave. And then she just left, but I rem dude, I remember she was being nasty, bro.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, they literally ended it.

SPEAKER_01

No, go ahead. I was just gonna say, I've all I've also had experiences like this, or or I've also done things where like you drop a girl off and it's clear that she wanted to hook up with you, but you're kind of just like, eh, like, let's leave, let's keep it classy, whatever. Yeah, they get so pissed off about that. Like, so mad. So I can totally picture her.

SPEAKER_00

We're just bro, we're we're losing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

At every turn. You never win. No, we never win. I remember I was just like, yeah, she's too drunk. This is weird, I shouldn't do this. And so she's like trying to do stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Which is ding ding ding, right move.

SPEAKER_00

Winner, winner, winner.

SPEAKER_01

You're the only crew.

SPEAKER_00

You're actually the first guy to ever do this.

SPEAKER_01

What you should have done.

SPEAKER_00

I was about to say millions. You're like, no, you're the first guy that's ever done this. You're the ding ding ding balloons fall. Whoa! She like rips off her clothes with like a sparkly dress.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, the guy from What Would You Do? She's like, You're a good guy. I baited him. I baited him. Yeah, I did everything to it. Leading up to that to the wine cooler over here. He still didn't.

SPEAKER_00

But I'm like, it was just like, it was that moment where I'm like, yeah, I'm trying to do the right thing. And then she like launches into this thing about like, she's like, Oh, you can't get hard. She's like, You're all you guys are like this. She's like, I don't have time to be your therapist. It like hurt my feelings. Yep. I was like, no, I'm not. I can see that being I'm not getting into this because like I'm trying to stop the interaction because you're drunk, which I did, and then she gets mad at me.

SPEAKER_01

You know what sucks is you were the bad guy in those in those uh women group chats that night.

SPEAKER_00

Bro, in the group chat, she's like, This guy invites me over, and then he can't even get hard and then kicks me out. And I'm like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

You were you were a hundred percent being spit roasted by her entire friend group.

SPEAKER_00

Dude, I'm they were running a train on my existence. Yeah, they were talking like mean stuff about you for doing the right thing, and like literally any of her friends that knew me, I'm just forever just the limp dick guy who invites girls over and then kicks them out.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. I oh my god. That's why none of them hit you up after that.

SPEAKER_00

Dude, that's why to the to the broader point of this podcast, it seems we're just losing at every turn. It's like you make the wrong move, you lose. Obviously. You try to make the right move, you lose. It's like, what are we?

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

I think I think we're fully just in this modern world. I think we are fully lost.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know what to do with myself.

SPEAKER_01

I don't either.

SPEAKER_00

I like I'm trying, and especially because I'm trying to date again. Like, I as you know, I went to a breakup last year, it was terrible. I'm trying to date again. I just don't have I don't even know what to do with myself. I go out to these places, I'm like, I want to talk to him, but I don't even know what to say to him. It takes a while to get back in the I think it does. It's like I'm trying to be genuine, trying to be friendly, and then it's and then I'm like trying to be like fun. They don't want that. I'm trying to be fun. I'm like, hey, let's all go in the water.

SPEAKER_01

And they're like, Yeah, yeah, they they they they they go, is this is your friend different? They turn their backs to you.

SPEAKER_00

They literally, they're like, Is this is your friend different? And I'm just like, uh I'm splashing around in the water with a dog. Oh yeah. You'd think it'd be something that women would see, and they go, What a guy. It's literally me in the in the water playing with a dog.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. That's actually a beautiful. I have an image, a perfect image in my head right now. You can see it.

SPEAKER_00

It was me with a cute.

SPEAKER_01

There's like sort of a nice sunlight hue on the water.

SPEAKER_00

It was golden hour. I'm playing with the doggy, I'm laughing boisterously, I'm having a jubilant time. I'm like, Yeah, yeah. See, and that's and they're looking at it like uh he's cringe. Yeah. Let's turn our backs on him at the ball.

SPEAKER_01

Just just looking off in anger. They're like, who's your friend? At you with dismay.

SPEAKER_00

They're like, who's your friend?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, man. No, I hate um, I hate dating. So I hate women. You know, okay, you know what's really funny? Every time I've had like my brother, my brother-in-law's bachelor party, the wedding, these are events where I've gotten extremely drunk, right? Right. And I have insane dreams when I get extremely drunk. And the past four times this has happened to me, every one of them is my ex-girlfriend who I haven't seen or texted in three years, coming to me, sobbing, crying, like the most visceral dreams ever. And I'm like, I love you, and I wanna, I wanna I wanna start seeing you again. Feels so real, like so real. Like I have touch in these dreams. I have touch, I have senses, I can smell the beautiful fields of roses by us. And I wake up and I go, I wake up in my basement apartment in Harlem with a with a Taiwanese landlord who's like, like tells me I have heat, but I've told him a million times I don't. I'm sleeping in a parka. Yeah, and I go, oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I'm back. You open your phone to Instagram reels, and it's like, why are men all the same?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I start shivering and I go, Oh, I have the flu too because my immune system's down because I treated my body like trash this weekend. And she's she has a new boyfriend. And I look, I go on her Instagram and I go, right, that was three years ago. So good luck uh dating.

SPEAKER_00

Well, folks, thanks for thanks for tuning in, folks. Dude, we should just start an alternate podcast where we're just talking about how we're losing, how straight men are losing. I'm so down. That's the content that people need. I genuinely think called losers. I genuinely think, yes, I genuinely think guys like us, that especially non-comedians, just normal dudes, I think they need to hear this.

SPEAKER_01

How how about when something cool comedically happens to you and you go, this is it? And then and then two weeks later you're bombing at the grid at wherever, you know, a bar, a bar I'm just back. Oh, I'm back with four people.

SPEAKER_00

We're back literally back the place we're about to go to.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

Winning stuff is good. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for listening, guys.

SPEAKER_01

Actually, actually, not thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00

Actually, fuck everyone. I'm pissed. We we just we caused so many problems. I'm gonna listen back to this and it's gonna be like, oh man. We were we were really yeah, we were saying a lot of nasty stuff. Yeah, were we? We kind of were, we kind of weren't though.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I feel like we're just being honest. A lot of it was truthful.

SPEAKER_00

We're just being honest, and we weren't necessarily like disparaging anyone. I think we were calling it how as we see it.

SPEAKER_01

Can I can I ask you one thing before we adjourn? Please. When you when you talk, it it um are you close with your grandparents? Unfortunately, they're not around anymore. Okay. But what if what that's the pod. Oh my god. Like they're on a trip or something?

SPEAKER_00

No, they're just just all four of them are not on this planet anymore, actually. And they've been gone a long time.

SPEAKER_01

No, I was just gonna say, because like every I I have all four, which is it's just the whitest thing about me of ever. Yeah, yeah, that you have all of them. Yeah. But uh just every time I see them, they'll be like, so you seen any girls like they really want me to date and stuff like that because they all got married when they were like 21 years old or whatever. And then they'll go on this long convo about how, like, oh, when I was your age, I made the same amount of money as you and I had four kids already. And you're like, Yeah, but also eggs were a nickel back then. Ding ding ding.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you could do things like that now. Yeah, you could buy a house for like fifty thousand dollars. What are we talking about?

SPEAKER_01

You guys had a milkman.

SPEAKER_00

No, yeah. Yeah. And he fucked you. No, do you know? So stupid. Yeah, yeah. No, I I think about this is just because you brought up the grandparents. And they fucked you, didn't he? No, and the thing.

SPEAKER_01

Did you guys call for some milk?

SPEAKER_00

No, the we'll end on this. The thing I think about sometimes. You can't decide.

SPEAKER_01

I want to end on something. No, no, no. We're gonna end on this.

SPEAKER_00

The thing that I think about sometimes is that be because you're talking about your grandparents wanting you to be with someone.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

I think the if if I really think about it, I think the saddest person about me and my girlfriend breaking up, the person who is saddest about the outcome, might be my girlfriend's grandma. Yep. Because she she loved me, bro. We got along like this. Yeah, you guys. And and that's like that's probably just-fucked her. And yeah, and I fucked her. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, but I feel like she's she's pretty ripped up about it or about it. Yeah. Maybe more than either of us. Like, it really That's how my grandma was, too. Like, yeah, it's like she's like still heartbroken, and I'm like, yeah, I mean, it happened.

SPEAKER_01

She would bring it up like every chance she gets and be like, I'm really sad that you guys aren't dating anymore. And I'd be like, I I fucking am too.

SPEAKER_00

Like, yeah, we're all sad, man.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I it sucks, man.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm gonna give it my best shot to bring another one around before, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, I'm gonna end on this. No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, I have one You're gonna say something, and then I'm gonna go. Actually, we're gonna end on this. Okay, okay, okay. You can do that. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01

So um my ex-girlfriend is an engineer, and she we were pretty very serious, and she took me to um a brunch with her uh grandfather who f uh fought in I don't know which war, one of the one of the main ones. Old dude like was so pumped about the war, like showed me his immediately before me even saying anything. Here's my war card. Like he's gonna be a good one. He's old enough that he fought. All right, yeah, like just sucking off the war.

SPEAKER_00

No, he's old enough that he fought in the war that we won.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, yes, yeah, you're right. One of them. I think it I think it was uh Korea, I don't know. It might have been Vietnam. I don't know. We didn't know. Whatever it was, yeah, no, it would whatever it was, it was one of them. Yeah, yeah. He was an old fella. He had creases on his hands. And so he looks at me and he goes, uh, he goes, you know, my granddaughter is extremely special to me. And I really want her to um, you know, date and marry somebody who you know has their life together. And she's like tacking, she's like, too soon, like we're in college right now. And he goes, What do you what do you want to do when you graduate? And I go, um, uh, I think I'm probably gonna try and be a comedian. The way this guy's like, I saw his whole facial dem, like he was having a good day, so pumped about the war, like showing it to all the waitresses. The way I saw his whole demeanor change immediately. He goes, uh, what are you, some thespian? And I thought he said lesbian, and I go, What? And he goes, he looks at my girlfriend and he goes, he doesn't even know what thespian means. Is this the guy you want to end up with? Oh this is within five minutes of this is pre-appetizers, even oh no, yeah, you're not getting dessert. I know. So part of me is like, if I don't make it as a comedian, I can just that will suck extra because that guy did that to me at one point. No, because he was a dream. Yes, yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

But I think those moments are important as a comedian. Or any kind of like thing, you know, this, but specifically as a comedian, having those moments where you can always like remember it in your head is kind of good because it drives you to want to prove him wrong.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Some guy I will never see in my life. Like I said, I blocked her number, we don't even speak. Yeah. And I'm like, that guy somewhere is gonna know at some point.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you want him to be alive to see, and he's not even gonna watch your Netflix special, but you want him to see it. Yes. He's scrolling to get to I want her to be there too.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

He he's scrolling to get to like World War II in color five. They're doing it the fifth time around. It's in it's in even it's in colors we didn't know existed now. Dude, and and while he's scrolling to it, you want it to see Bo Bigelow is whatever your special name is.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe that's why women like gay guys now, because there was this whole culture of men that were just pumped about the war.

SPEAKER_00

We can't do this anymore, dude. Yeah, they're like, we can't. Our entire economy and existence cannot revolve around war. Actually, that's a great point. It's like we're phasing that out, and then a lot of the guys who were just raised on aggression are like, what the fuck do I do with myself? Yeah, yeah, exactly. What the hell do I do?

SPEAKER_01

Like, huh? And then it'll it'll it'll the pendulum will swing the opposite way, where in like 50 years it'll be a gay guy sitting next to a nice woman, and then some guy will come in and be like, I'm fighting in the war. And she'll be like, Whoa, I've never seen that before. That that'll be the new thing. I think that will be the new thing.

SPEAKER_00

Nice. What do you want to finish on? What do you have? I know. I I'm gonna I think that was it. All right, sweet. That's it. I think we ended on that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, tune in for more, more, more, more, more.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks for listening, guys. Bye.