LOSERS

2 - It's A Real Sophie's Choice

• Konner • Episode 2

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0:00 | 1:06:12

Welcome back to the LOSERS podcast. In this episode Bo and Konner talk about the L's they took this week: Bo almost got into a fist fight at a comedy club and Konner's Hinge is an absolute disaster. They also settle the butt vs. bo*bs debate and Bo tries to sell solar panels over the phone. 

SPEAKER_09

Are we live? No, you listen. Me saying, oh, are you texting a girl? And then you going, Yeah, you wouldn't know about that. Yeah, that's kind of mean. That's a lot more. What was the second thing you said? I was like, uh You first said you wouldn't know about that, and I was like, well, that's kind of rude, and then you're like, oh, I meant to say.

SPEAKER_07

And it was ruder, the second one. It it was uh It was like you wouldn't understand or something like that. You're saying I wouldn't understand too much. I baby boyed you a little bit, bro.

SPEAKER_09

Dude, yeah. Dude, now that we're gonna now that we're gonna be now that we're gonna be living with each other, I feel like we're we're like big broing and little broing each other.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. Yeah, you got baby boyed. I got baby boyed. I got baby boyed when I tried to do material last night. Wait, explain. Actually, it wasn't okay, so sometimes when when I'm doing like okay, and like as in like people are laughing, but it's the start of the show, but it's not like like killing. I just am like, oh, this is bombing, and I'm like, oh I'm sorry guys for that one. But it wasn't doing bad, but I I just like my knee jerk was just to like stop material and just talk to them because I was like, eh, they don't really want to hear that. And then I was just fucking in the zone with the crowd work, just you were in bing bing. You were in the pocket. I was like, Yeah, I I was surprised by that because I I I sometimes am not, but I just I had things to say, you know? I had too much Red Bull. I think that's what happened. Yeah, dude. Last time I was at Rodney's. You got two applause breaks, by the way.

SPEAKER_09

Hey, hey, hey, I mean, I wasn't gonna say that.

SPEAKER_07

One of them, one of them was bullshit, the other one was a full, just like this was a great one of them you said something, you're like, Does anyone do this? And they were like, Yeah. And they like and then another one was just like, oh, killer joke, a massive applause break. I mean, shit.

SPEAKER_09

What can I say, dog? What can I say, man? I'm bringing that, I'm bringing that Cali flavor to New York. That Cali flavor.

SPEAKER_07

That's a good podcast name. Cali flavor? Cali flavor. Should we just make that the podcast? That's a black podcast, though. That is a black.

SPEAKER_09

That is that is a black cast. We can't. You cannot. And the the uh but but but but but but you you say we can't do that, but I was getting some motion last night.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

And that makes me think that maybe I could do a black podcast. Like it wouldn't be, you know.

SPEAKER_07

That that was I out of all things you could have came up to me and said last night, that is one of the things I was least expecting you to say.

SPEAKER_09

And what did I come up and say for the people at the end of the day?

SPEAKER_07

There was uh there was an elder black lady, probably excuse me.

SPEAKER_09

That was all good. We're gonna run it back. All right. Guys, welcome back to Cali Flavor.

SPEAKER_07

We got Big Boss Man Bo in that booth. Hey, man, it was cracking. We don't do that. I'm sorry. Don't do that. Dude, you know, you know what the podcast uh album cover of Cali Flavor would be? It would be a black and mild, but instead of instead of set instead of black and mild, it would have the same font, but it would say Cali Flavor.

SPEAKER_03

Ooh.

SPEAKER_07

Hey, welcome to Cali Flavor. But we talked about this. I'm not gonna do it anymore. Okay, so so we're we're doing stand-up, right? As we do. Yes. On a weekend night, packed house, like 150 people. 15 people, and uh this uh this woman, probably like 37-year-old black woman, very beautiful. 37, very beautiful, you think 37? I would go, I would go 35 to 37 range. Fair. Yeah, I think that's a good thing. Would you do that?

SPEAKER_09

I would yeah, I was gonna say like somewhere in the 30s.

SPEAKER_07

Connor, um that's me, is is up there. He looks incredibly white too, for the record. Yes. Wearing uh um a suit jacket and a button-down.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, if if it we did a photo shoot for the podcast. Yes. So potentially the the cover art for this podcast right now is what I was wearing. Yes. Because we did the photo shoot, then we left, and then we went to the show. Yeah. So I was wearing like a blazer, button-down, slacks, dress shoes.

SPEAKER_07

So for the three people listening to this, if you see the photo shoot that we did, that's the outfit that he wore on stage. And this 37-year-old black black woman liked Connor's set, came up to him after the set, and told him that she was into him and gave her him her number. Thick woman, by the way.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, yes.

SPEAKER_07

Very, very attractive, yes, actually.

SPEAKER_09

Good looking woman.

SPEAKER_07

She's beautiful, yes, thicker than any she might be the viscosity on that ass is shit. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, the exit velocity that you gotta hit that at to come out successfully is is insane.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, and I don't Did you text her yet?

SPEAKER_09

I did. What did she say? I'll tell you right now, dude. I that I think that's the thickest woman that has ever approached me. I'm being honest. That has ever approached me and given me her number. A lot of times it's like these wafy white chicks that might just like fly away with a strong breeze.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, you're this was like I had never best game is at like a like a Brooklyn brewery.

SPEAKER_09

Like that's that's a girl that's like, yeah, they no, my bet my best game is at like a golf club, like a country club, and I'm doing golf? Yeah, no, no, no, no. My best game is at a top golf and I'm impressing the women there with my Trump impression. Because they like that. Brooklyn women, I've done it before.

SPEAKER_07

Can you do can you do it on the what you were saying earlier?

SPEAKER_09

I've done it before. I was telling you, I've I've done it before where it's like I'll like be at like hanging out with like a girl at a bar and it's going well, and then I'll like try to do the Trump impression, and it just turns her off immediately. I'm like, would you like another drink, sweetie? You look great. And then she's just like, Oh, that's not funny. And I'm like, oh, sorry. She's like, you're like humanizing a monster. And I'm like, I didn't really think of it that way.

SPEAKER_07

That's somebody that you wouldn't want to hang out with, anyways.

SPEAKER_09

I don't think so. Like, I get her point, but it's like, in my view, I'm doing it because I'm making fun of him. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. But so it's like if I'm at like a country club or a top golf, I mean, that cleans up. You should have said, you are a monster.

SPEAKER_07

So if I did it, if I did an impression of you, it would I would be doing the exact same thing as humanizing Trump because you just don't have a sense of humor, you know? And that is monstrous. And that's when you get upset with them.

SPEAKER_10

Anyways, anyways, I was with a absolutely thick Nubian queen.

SPEAKER_07

A girl's listening to the pod right now, and she's like, he's doing it again.

SPEAKER_10

She's my African princess. Beautiful, beautiful black queen. She came up to me and she said, I like your vibe. I said, I like your vibe, mama. Mama and the papas, they call us. Alright, enough of that.

SPEAKER_09

But, anyways, no, she came up. This was it blew my mind because this doesn't happen to me. She came up and just doesn't happen to me either. She was like, hey, like, you're so funny up there. I was like, Oh, thank you. She's like, I just like I don't usually do this, but I really like your vibe. And um, like, can I give you your number? Like, maybe we can hang out sometime. And I was like mind-blown. I was like, sure. So then I text her yesterday and yeah, she said, uh, I said, Hey, it's Connor, nice to meet you. She said, Great to meet you too. I look forward to hanging out sometime. Um but then, okay, so this was interesting. You know how there's like the AI summary thing? I talked about on stage a bit about it. But before I opened her message, I was about to fall asleep, and it was like, says hello, photo sent, didn't mean to send photo. And I was like, What? And then I like didn't look at it for a second, and then I looked back, and then she was like, Oh no, the phone sent it out before I wanted it to. Whoops. Hope you're good and safe regardless. But then there's no photo. So I think she was she I think she sent something.

SPEAKER_07

And he just he just showed me his phone, green messages. I'm sorry, I just had to call it out. Oh that why why tell me it's not a race thing for the record. You tell me. Because I know a lot of white people with green messages.

SPEAKER_09

Why did you feel the need to point out that it was a green message?

SPEAKER_07

It's just funny, and I don't know why. Oh it's not, it's not, it's not a racial joke at all. It's just funny.

SPEAKER_09

You think you think there's something funny about cricket wireless?

SPEAKER_07

I never said anything about cricket wireless. You think there's something funny about Samsung? You are the one that said something about cricket wireless. For the record, if you go back right now and rewind, I said green messages, okay?

SPEAKER_09

That bro, we're being oh my god, we're being a problem.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyways, we're being uh problematic.

SPEAKER_09

But yeah, so she so I guess maybe she tried to send me a photo, but then she unsent it, so I don't really know what that's about. But um, and then I said, Okay, I've been bad about the crash. Um, have a good night. And then she said, You're adorable. Good night. So Connor had this awesome thing happen to him last night. I myself Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. So I had a winner moment. Yes. This is the losers podcast. Welcome to the pod. Thank you for listening. That's a win.

SPEAKER_07

That was a win that I when we get the logistics of this pod down. Every win we're gonna have like a thing in the corner that goes win and it has one and then loses. I dude, I love that. That actually, wait, that's actually a good idea.

SPEAKER_09

That's a great idea. No, folks, we're actually creating this pod in real time. Yes. So we might even like try to have someone call in later in this episode. Like, we're still figuring out what the fuck this is, but I love that idea. Yes, the winner and the ding ding, like the win count, the lose count. Brilliant.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, go I wouldn't say that I had a loss, it was more so just an annoyance. Drunk guy at a bar. I I'm talking to the crowd last night, and I kind of I told him he was just he was very drunk and started rambling, and I was like, shut the fuck up. It was fine. And then I even walked up to him after the set and I was like, Hey, I was just fucking with you. Like, like, I hope you're having a good time at the show. And he was like, Oh man, like, yeah, like I've I've been fucked with before, and he like daps me up and he's like, I find it so funny. Like, he's just really drunk and like just being annoying. So then I'm in the showroom, I'm about to get on stage, and one of the servers, I work at this uh comedy club too as a server. She comes up and she's like, Hey, uh um, you need to go control this guy. I walk out, he's cussing at our female servers, he's goes, uh He goes, These these bitches said that I sexually harassed them, which it was a weird thing to say because that's not even what their bone to pick with him was. Their bone to pick with him was that they were cutting him off from drinking and he wanted to keep drinking.

SPEAKER_09

So he just invented that.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, which was weird because I heard them afterwards after he said that go, What? They were like, What are you talking about? We never even said that. So I well, when you d deal with a drink, drunk person, you need to stay calm and collected because you if I raise my energy to his energy, that's exactly where he wants me to go because he wants to cause problems now. So I come up, I'm like, hey man, you gotta go. It's okay, just pay your bill. And he starts yelling at me, and he goes, This is this is verbatim. This is exactly what he said. He goes, Who the fuck are you? You're just a silly comedian, you're broke, you have no money, I'm a businessman, I'm I work on Wall Street. Go ahead, punch me in the face, see what happens. He goes, I could buy you, and points in my face. And that right there, folks, ding, is a lose.

SPEAKER_09

That is that is.

SPEAKER_07

I mean, he was also a loser, but saying you could buy me is crazy words. Maybe I don't know if he could though, but it would- said that I was like, honestly, respect, because that is kind of funny to say that. That is kind of a bar.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah. I walk because I walked out because I was in the the showroom and I was like, I could hear like some commotion, and I walked out and I saw this going on, and I positioned myself kind of like right behind you, but at a little bit of a distance.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

Because in my head, I was like, okay, if this guy tries to do something, I'm gonna knock his ass out.

SPEAKER_07

Yes. Like if he tries to attack you, and then that's when I kind of wanted him to punch me because I wasn't gonna do it first, because like I'd he could buy me. So it's like if I start the fight, yeah, yeah. I'm not even sued, I'm just I'm a I'm a indentured servant. Bought and paid for.

SPEAKER_09

No, so I yeah, I was kind of hoping, like, part of me was hoping that something would happen. Because I was I was right there. I was right there, but I didn't get involved. I didn't want to walk up and start saying shit. Yeah, but I was like, if this guy starts to like push you or tries to punch you, I'm gonna fly in with an iron fist and just fucking end this guy's night.

SPEAKER_07

And we had we had I Lil Mo Mozzarella in the cut right there, too. He was like, So I was like, dude, I have backup. This guy's literally known for being like an Italian, like uh tough guy on Instagram. Yeah, but but is he? No.

SPEAKER_09

Is Lil Mo Montserella gonna come to your defense? He'd probably take out his phone and start filming it.

SPEAKER_07

No, he wouldn't.

SPEAKER_09

He'd take out his phone and be like, hey, watch your mouth. He looked kind of scared. Yeah, no, he looked like he'd never been in a fight in his life. It is funny that he's like this, like he has like this mob reputation, and the second there was something, he kind of just like backed away and he was like, Yeah, he was like, whoa. He's like, whoa. He's like, oh, take it easy. Hey, hey, buddy. He's like, like as quiet as he's like, hey, take it easy.

SPEAKER_07

So but when he said that, then he said he's like, if you don't back up from me, I'm gonna punch you in the face. So at that moment, I like took a step back because I'm like, yo, if he punches me, I'm obviously gonna try to duck. Like, I'm in full fight or flight now.

SPEAKER_09

Bro, I love this this R that you're getting right now. You're like, if he tries to swing, I'm gonna duck.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, well, I'm I'm a this is this is California cracking pot. What's it called?

SPEAKER_06

It's just getting worse. Yeah, yo, it's a California crackdown, baby. What was the original name? Uh California Flavor? Oh, yeah. Calip.

SPEAKER_09

This is the Cali Flavor Pod. Hey yo, welcome back to Cali Flavor. If he if he acts, if I Wait, what did you just say?

SPEAKER_06

You say if he acts? I just completely fumbled all my.

SPEAKER_07

If I acted upon it, I would have obviously had to do something. Luckily, my boss came back. I was calm the whole time.

SPEAKER_09

Real quick, before you get to the boss part, there's one note that I would give you.

SPEAKER_07

What?

SPEAKER_09

While you were talking, like your your voice, you were like, hey man, I'm like, it's all good. Let's like I'm not trying to fight, like you need to calm down. You did good with the voice, but you were making yourself quite big. Uh like you had your hands up in the air almost like like the goalpost formation.

SPEAKER_07

You were kind of like, you're like, hey man, like you like Was I making myself big or am I just fucking naturally huge? Am I just big? Is the question? Oh big. No, I know what you mean. I did see the video, I could have, I think I got in his face a little bit, and even though I was talking like like you said, calmly, I was still kind of like right by his face. Yeah, and so he was mad about that. He was like, get out of my face. Because I think he was so drunk that you just kind of put your hands up and he was like, Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was on drugs. I mean, he was fully on drugs.

SPEAKER_09

Like it reminded me of like like a with the bear, you know how they say with a bear that you want to like make yourself big and then the bear gets scared. It was kind of like that. Yes, but it's like in that moment, you don't know if the bear's gonna run away or if it's gonna maul you.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, so you went up and you were like, I would not give him bear status though.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, I wouldn't either. He was just like a shlubby white guy. Yeah, but I just mean in the sense that like it reminded me of that because you went up and you like kind of made yourself big. Yeah, but I feel like he was so drunk that he didn't get intimidated. He was like, Oh, you want to get big?

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get big. So some uh woman said to me afterwards, they were like, It was cool to see you not be phased by him at all because you knew you could beat him up, but you didn't punch him. And I was like, Yeah, like I I honestly I was on a power trip last night. I was like, that was pretty cool that I just sort of stood there.

SPEAKER_09

That was kind of sick that I stood my ground against this 70-year-old drunk guy.

SPEAKER_07

Wait, the best part is uh we have friends at the bar next door. The owner of the bar next door is like Oh, the Irish, those Irish fuckers. She texted him, she goes, Why did you kick I don't know what his name is out? Like, say she goes, Why did you kick Evan out? Because obviously he's a regular there. I mean, clearly. And she's like, he's over here and he's upset, and we're just like they were just serving him. He went next door next door drinking again, just getting hammered.

SPEAKER_09

Just thinking he was he was next door pounding shots, just thinking. Yes, yeah. He was like, I'm gonna fucking go back in there.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, and then my mommy called me an Uber home mommy. I was I was like, what if this weird nerd has a gun or something like that? Oh, you texted me. I was just like, this happened, and I don't want to sub home.

SPEAKER_06

It was kind of I I kind of I kind of blew the You played your position because I blew it out of proportion to get the free Uber.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, you're like, he was like reaching for his pocket.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, and my mom will do that because I work late nights, like she doesn't pay my rent or anything or help with anything else. But every now and then she'll be like, I'll buy I'll I'll buy you an Uber home. Ding because I'm poor. And that's one on the loser piece.

SPEAKER_05

Ding.

SPEAKER_09

No, that's but also you get a bang, uh, you get a win, you get one on the win side because you did stand your ground.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, yeah. I will say I standed my ground.

SPEAKER_09

I stood I stood my stood my ground. You were uh it was you were definitely uh as the kids say, Aura farming. Yeah. Like you were standing there and he was just like right up in your face yelling, and you were just like, super farming. You're like, buddy, we're not doing this. Yeah, it was like and there was like like several women around you that like work in the club or that were comics just watching, and they were like, oh my god, like what's gonna happen? And you were just standing there like buddy, you don't want to do this. Massive Aura farming points on that. Pack it up! Pack it up Hey pal, pack it up. That's enough jokes for you.

SPEAKER_07

The best part was he started calling some of the women there fat bitches. He did. And to Tracy, to do that as a fucking ugly ass dude who's bald and like 80 years old and disgustingly drunk at a bar is crazy to me.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, no, he did that to several of the women. He was like, You shut up, you fat bitch. And it's like, dude. You look like shit. Yeah, you look like a fat. You look like a fat sack of shit. Yes. What are you doing, pal? What are you doing? What are you doing? We should get him on the pod when he's sober and just be like, man, what were you thinking?

SPEAKER_02

That would actually be so funny.

SPEAKER_09

What were you th Evan? What were you thinking, man? What was going through your head? Dude, we should get him on the pod and just feed him alcohol. I mean, that's if if we want to talk loser of the week, it's that guy.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, yeah. That is loser of the week.

SPEAKER_09

He was, dude, and then it got even it was it was almost like we they were able to get him out, the owner guy. Um Mark. Mark. Mark, my man Mark. We love Mark. Shout out Mark. Hey, shout out Mark. But Mark, he like got him out, which was great. Yeah. But then he did, he made the classic mistake that you never do with a drunk guy that wants to fight.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

He tried to have the last word.

SPEAKER_07

Yes.

SPEAKER_09

Like as he kicked Mark out, the guy walked down the thing, and Mark was like, Yeah, that's right, don't come back.

SPEAKER_07

And then the guy turned around and he went, What the fuck did you say? Mark is the best. Mark always does that, and it just and I I get it. Like, like I kind of want the last word too. And I I was talking to Mark afterwards, and I was like, yo, dude, it's like I was like, it's not worth it. And he goes, Yeah, I just wanted the last word. And I was laughing so hard. I was like, I get it, man. You this is your place. Like, like fucking do it. Like, tell him like it is his business, and it's he's within his right to kick the guy out. Yes, oh, for sure. That guy, that guy's banned. That guy should never come back there.

SPEAKER_09

I agree completely. But he did it three times. Yeah. Like the guy left, and Mark was like, Yeah, that's right. And then the guy turned and go, What? And then he's like, Nah, nothing close the door.

SPEAKER_02

And then he opened the door, and then he was like, Yeah, keep walking. So awesome. And then he came back again, and then he shut the door and he opened and he goes, That's what I thought.

SPEAKER_09

It's like, Mark, Mark, I love you, but you're like, you're like five, nine. Like, what? No shade, but it's like, dude, you can't be doing that. It's so funny. You can't be trying to have the last word if you're not. I'm sorry, but you can't be having the last word unless you're over six foot.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

Or or professionally trained in fighting.

SPEAKER_07

Yes.

SPEAKER_09

If you're not either of those things, you can't be trying to have the last word against a drunk guy.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. If you're 6'4, jacked, and fight, you can have the last words.

SPEAKER_09

Like me.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, and me too. Dude, we're so oh my God. Let me see if this hinge girl texted me back. Dude, here we go again. Here we go again. Oh with the hinge, dude. I'm on a rampage right now.

SPEAKER_09

Honestly, I'm just lashing out because I'm jealous.

SPEAKER_07

But we'll be hanging out and like a little man rampage. We'll be hanging out.

SPEAKER_09

You're big manning it. We'll be hanging out, and you'll just be like on your phone, and I'm like, not like 90% chance you're on hinge right now. Yeah. And then I look and it's like some hot German chick, and I'm like, fuck.

unknown

Fuck.

SPEAKER_09

German chick.

SPEAKER_07

What am I doing wrong, dude? It's the pro. It's all about the pro, brother.

SPEAKER_09

You gotta be you gotta be pro pro. Wait, oh, do you mean like the the premium or whatever? Your profile. The picks, the responses. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I think I'm honestly my picks are probably could be better. And I think I'm I'm like too silly with it. Yeah. Question. Can I ask you a question? Do you have the premium? Do you do like the premium version?

SPEAKER_07

You can ask me a question.

SPEAKER_09

Do you do like a premium version?

SPEAKER_07

No.

SPEAKER_09

Okay, I don't either. I was just wondering if maybe that's why. I'm just trying to justify any reason.

SPEAKER_07

The only app that I ever got premium on for a week was like one of those just like straight up fuck apps. Yeah, just like field. It was field, yeah. I've done that. Because I was like, dude, this this is a premium worthy because I just want to fuck someone.

SPEAKER_09

I love that you see it's a fuck app.

SPEAKER_07

That app does not work, by the way.

SPEAKER_09

It though it's extremely buggy.

SPEAKER_07

I never get like matches or anything like that. Maybe I'm not fuck app material. Yeah, I feel like I'm like lover boy app.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, you've got you kind of you're kind of the lover boy experience. I feel like I Do you get a lot of matches on the fuck apps? Um, I feel like I maybe get more on there than I do on Hens. Really? On field?

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. Wow. But I don't I don't understand. I'm kind of jealous of that. Uh that's a way better one to get matches on.

SPEAKER_09

I guess, but I also I'm at a unless you're at a place where you're I'm at a point in my life. I'm 28. Yeah. You know, you're kind of a young bull. You'll understand when you're older, but you'll understand when you're older. But you know, I'm like, I'm like at the point where it's like I would like to seriously date someone in the city. Yeah. And so I I would like to like I would like to get the lover boy experience.

SPEAKER_07

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, how are these picks? How do these picks look to you? I think it it honestly, the problem is it's the profile. Here, can I throw this?

SPEAKER_07

Do you have a goatee in any of them? Remember when you had a goatee? Ah, fuck, I do. Yeah, take take that out of there. You think so? Yeah. Shit.

SPEAKER_09

Can I talk to you?

SPEAKER_07

It's like a goatee. Your goatee when you were doing it was cool. Yeah. Oh, this is just a mustache though. I mean, I do I do like the combo. Okay, okay. I'm gonna I I don't know what's on here, but I see that you have a voice prompt.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

So I'm just gonna play it into the microphone. I haven't listened to it. Yeah, yeah. It says before we meet, you should listen too.

SPEAKER_04

Where's my drink? My drink? Like Dr. Kelly. How am I supposed to hate this thing?

SPEAKER_07

That's a really good prompt. Right? I thought it was gonna dude, that's okay. The second one says, I recently discovered that I'm gay. We will take that down. That is actively hurting you. You think so? Actively hurting you.

SPEAKER_09

No, but but keep going.

SPEAKER_07

Okay. Being a podcast producer is true to height, 6'2. You actually are 6'2. Thank you. Uh Whittier, California. Do not put Pisces, bro. Oh. Yes. We'll take that down. Okay. I gotta take notes. Don't put drinking or just don't that you drink or uh smoke weed. It just like they'll figure it out, you know? Right, okay. You're at you're at you're basically saying, Oh, hey, it's me. I like to party and stuff like that. And they're like, okay.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, Pisces, I'm emotional. Yes, exactly. I'm a sis, I'm a wuss. Yeah. Um, we need to center you in this picture.

SPEAKER_07

This is this your sister.

SPEAKER_09

That's my cousin. Okay. I just really like that football.

SPEAKER_07

We need to make it like so you're the center. Got it, gotta. And maybe move that down a peg because it's you. A lot of these are just memes. Okay, but hold on. Are you trying to get wait? Keep reading. These are this is a very funny profile. Are you trying to get laid though? Is the question. I'm trying to find someone that is down with my vibe. Okay. What we're gonna do, because two okay, you have two straight selfies. Did you read the other part though? They're all about being gay. Well, maybe. No, but the other one's the most spontaneous thing I've ever done. I went to the Area 51 raid, but I promise I'm not crazy. We're gonna remove that. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_09

It's pretty funny. Okay, you're I'm seeing, I'm starting to see now. Like you're telling me I need to see.

SPEAKER_07

This is this is like this is good when you're three dates in, you know? Where she's like, now you can be your silly little self.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, yeah, there's a photo of me with the bald fill the bald filled down.

SPEAKER_07

No, you could you could you could probably uh what I would do, you know what I would do? What? I would take the bald one down and then take one of the selfies down and replace them with good picks. Yes. And then I would keep the JD Vance one. He has a JD Vance meme on there. That's really funny.

SPEAKER_09

Ladies love it. I said I said this is my I said, let me introduce you to my Alter ego.

SPEAKER_07

Gay ones, absolutely remove. Keep the SpongeBob, take away Pisces, etc. Okay. And and again, we just need less. This this is a thirst trap pick. Yeah. That works on field. No good. Right. That doesn't work on shirtless beach pick.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah. Yes. Right. Yeah, we have a lot of work to do. Don't tell me. Don't tell me that. We have a lot of work to do. Oh, you're I mean, you're right though, because your matches are going insane and I'm getting like a lot of things. Yeah, let me see. Let me see what matches. You get two. They're just not even they're not even anything. Let me see. Come on. Dude, okay, I have the one that's like Lauren. No. No, she's uh she's no no.

SPEAKER_07

Yes. I don't want that. You could you could just do so much. Actually, it says she's a social worker though, and she's kind of uh crunchy. I feel like you like a little crunchy girl. Yeah, yeah, I can a little bit. She's your age. Okay. I could see you actually going for this girl. I think you could probably do better, but yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

That's the idea. Let me see. I I'm thinking I don't want to I'm a Okay. That was a good throw. Yeah. Um Yeah, I mean, I I there's work to do. I th I think that no, I think you're right. There's work to do.

SPEAKER_07

I love how silly you're being, but but I feel like no one wants that on hinge, you know? I think you're right. I did but I guess especially the gay stuff.

SPEAKER_09

But you didn't, but you didn't Okay, fair. No, but it says I recently discovered that I'm gay. Did you make this account as a joke? Or were you actually okay, okay? I was like kind of fucking around. I was kind of fucking around because I was like, let me just like be crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like see who likes that. And I've and I found out.

SPEAKER_07

Um I feel like you could keep 50% of it and it would be.

SPEAKER_09

No, you're right. But I do I do like this because uh I'm gonna I'm I am gonna change it because I feel like it's misleading. But yes, I like it because it says I recently discovered that I'm gay, and then you scroll down a bit and it goes a random fact I love is I'm not gay. Kind of a fun misdirect, huh? Yeah, but like But no, I get you. It's a lot of it's too confusing.

SPEAKER_07

I mean, I if I were a girl and I saw that. Yeah, you'd be like, what is this girl? I would I would be like, this is the fella for me, you know? Like if I saw a girl with that profile, yeah, I and she was hot, oh my god. Right. But then but then you go, is this person mentally unstable? I know, yeah. There's so many means. You go, is this person fucked in the head that he would even think to do something like this? I don't know. That's for the audience to decide. So that's that's a ding, that's a f a lose. Yes, we need to change that immediately. That's a lose. So I've I'm losing on this. If you if you kept two of those jokes, took out the gay stuff, um, and now let me see yours.

SPEAKER_09

Two of the selfies with like let me see yours. Okay. Mr. Perfect. No, I'm sorry, I'm lashing out. I'm being nasty because I'm I'm hurt. It it it wasn't meant to make you feel hurt.

SPEAKER_07

It was or it was more so No, I'm glad you didn't. You could be doing better on this app. I think I can't.

SPEAKER_09

Yes, I agree. Some of mine are cheesy responses, but But that's what they want.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_09

Okay, let's see. Alright, we've got Bo. First pick. Okay, nice. You at the beach. You at the beach with another dude.

SPEAKER_07

Hey now. No, I'm I'm just saying, it's just you with one uh you and another guy, and your hands are on each other's shoulders and you're at the first one, a true friend of mine that I've known for a while that you'll probably meet if you come out with us today. Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_09

Never have I ever correctly folded a fitted sheet. See? That's funny. Cheeky little responsible. That's funny. 25, man, 6'3. Huh. It's maybe uh maybe maybe an inch too high, but I mean, I'm not disagreeing with you. It's just interesting. It's an interesting thing. I mean, I I just didn't realize. No, no, yeah, let's move on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've just I've stood next to you and it's just Are you taller than me? I don't think you're taller than me, if that's what you're asking.

SPEAKER_06

Are you sure that I'm not taller than you? I don't. I think if you're 6'2, I don't know. I don't give myself.

SPEAKER_07

I would actually say I am actually 6'2. Okay. I am also actually 6'2.

SPEAKER_09

Sounds pretty cool though. Right. Okay. So you're so what you're telling me is that I should lie on my profile.

SPEAKER_07

Well, that's if you're gonna lie about anything.

SPEAKER_09

No, but I agree with you though.

SPEAKER_07

I feel like by the way, I met a girl recently and she met me in person and she goes, You're actually exactly how you're some guys are like 5'7 and go like 5'10. And then the girl gets there and they're like, What the fuck? No, you're definitely right.

SPEAKER_09

I think I think you are this is interesting because I'm actually 6'2, but I feel like a lot of guys who are like six foot will just put six two. Yes. Or six three. So then I put six two, and they're like, oh, he must be six foot, and then they see me, they're like, Oh, you're like, I've gotten that. We're like, oh, you're actually trying to six two. See, now you're saying six three, because that's like, what are they gonna they wouldn't know? Yeah, and it does have a ring to it, six three, because everyone puts six two. It's like six three is like, whoa, this is kind of maybe I should I put six three. I I think if if you're gonna do anything, yeah, you should put six three.

SPEAKER_07

Okay, so guys fucking go six four, honestly.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, honestly, dude. I've got I've got a big presence. I've got long arms too. Okay, so then we grow down. You're University of Virginia, marketing at Rodney's Comedy Club, New York, New York. Picture of you in New Orleans, nice picture of you on stage doing it. That's fine. That one gets a lot of likes. I would I would highly recommend doing a stand-up photo?

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

Okay, I've got I I've got someone that could work. We're after this pod, we're gonna we're gonna sit down and freaking do this.

SPEAKER_07

Let's let's uh let's do it and then have you like a couple people today and see how many likes back you get from from like the new profile versus the old profile. I like I like that.

SPEAKER_09

Typical Sunday, laying on a couch horizontal with curb your enthusiasm on the TV.

SPEAKER_07

See just a dumb fucking just a dumb, dumb loser fucking stupid response. They like it. True. I mean, yeah, girls on their thing, they put like yap a holic.

SPEAKER_09

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Like typical Sunday, matcha and yap.

SPEAKER_07

They just want to see that you're like kind of normal.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah. The amount of times I've seen a like these women to put it.

SPEAKER_07

That's the thing about going on a date with a girl is you can pretend to be normal for the first date, like, and then two in. I'm like, I'm fucking insane. I'm fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_09

Crazy guy. Uh yes. The key to my heart is a good rendezvous and ice cream. Facts. I mean, you're calling my profile gay.

SPEAKER_07

Oh, mine is fully gay.

SPEAKER_09

No, but yours is is in a way that's like a sensitive and like but look at the numbers. I dude, I can't argue with that. Uh then it's you. Oh, that's a good pick you would do in the barista thing. Yeah, yeah. Your blue collar down to earth working.

SPEAKER_07

But yes, you're right.

SPEAKER_09

Sure, whatever. And then my blue steel. Oh, you and the tucks looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little little little bit of humor to end it off, you know? Okay. Can I look at some of your matches?

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

Twelve.

SPEAKER_07

Wow. It's over the limit, too. Shut up, dude.

SPEAKER_09

Shut the fuck up, bro. It's over the limit, too. Dude, this is infuriating because I'm looking at it, and your most recent out of these 12 matches, almost all of them, the most recent message from them is their phone number. Done with this shit, bro. Take your phone back. I can't even, I can't even, I can't even be a part of this. I'm so fucking mad. And that's a ding loser, loser, loser. Fuck, bro. God damn it. Okay. Yeah, no, you're right. We need to one of their numbers. Should I text all of them on the pod in a group chat right now? Don't tell them. Don't tell them. Don't. No, no, no. I'm gonna, after we get off the pod, I am going to we're gonna rework my hinge. We'll swipe a bit and we'll see what happens tomorrow.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_09

But I think you're right. I think I think I was approaching it wrong. I was like, let me be as funny and weird as possible.

SPEAKER_07

When you this is what I've noticed. Yes. When you when you uh when you make the profile a little bit more normal, the first like conversation you have with them, then you can be wacky. That's it. In my responses. Yes, exactly. I can unleash it. Um like I I texted this girl, her name is Bella. I just go, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella in all caps, and that worked. And it went. And she said, hey, happy Saturday, and then I I started. This one time I just texted a girl, bingo.

SPEAKER_09

Bingo! Bingo, dude. Actually, I have another one. Okay, I have one that's that's this is a loser moment for sure. There was a girl that I this was when I first moved here, and it was before I made my profile like crazy weird. It was just like more normal. And actually, now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, no wonder. Um, I matched with this chick, her name's Lindsay. I think I maybe have mentioned her, but this is when I first moved here, we match stunning, like blonde, just like exactly my type. I mean, just massive, you know. You're a tit guy? I'm an everything guy. Okay, but just stacked. But like Sophie's choice. How how could you say that? I'm just asking. Do you even know what that means? Do you actually know what you just said?

SPEAKER_07

You gotta send one to the gulag.

SPEAKER_06

One of them's going to Auschwitz is what it means. Yeah, which one's going to Auschwitz? Tits or ass. Sophie's it's a real Sophie's choice here. You're fucking crazy, bro. I can't believe you just said that. Are you gonna answer it? Which one?

SPEAKER_07

Um, oh probably I think I like tits the best. I kind of crazy. Most people, I've heard that you're if you're a man and that's your choice, then you're like a psycho. Really? Because everyone, everyone's oh, ask this, ask that. And I go, yeah, but what about tits? Okay.

SPEAKER_09

I want to sit here and I'm like, I think what happens is because I've heard this debate a lot, we can say we can well that I do too. We can actually settle this right now. I think when you're younger, typically this is how this goes. When you're younger, you're more attracted to breasts, to tits. Because when you're like when you're like a baby, you know what I mean? It's like they like it's like that's like where you get your food. So it's like you're the your nourishment, so it's like you kind of have a thing for. But then when you get older and you start to become like a mature man and you're thinking about like having children, that the ass signifies like the the size of the hips and the ability to have children. So I think as you get older, you're like you become like you get more of like a fat, like a daddy mentality, like a father mentality, and you're like, oh, she's got a big ass. But that but subconscious hips. Exactly. I'm being kind of weird right now. So funny subconscious. Of course, Clayman has a joke about this.

SPEAKER_07

Shout out Cole Klayman, that's my dog. We're gonna call him. He has a joke where he's like, he's like, they say you like tits because you know you're um that's where you get your nourishment. He's like, which is weird because I'm an ass guy now. He's like, but I never sucked on my mom's ass. I mean, classic comments. That's just an all-time banger joke. You just like debunked his joke because someone in the audience not not to debunk Cole Klayman's joke on. Or just roasting this guy. Because I mean, I could debunk him on a audience. I could debunk him on a lot of things. You know how people get super like like like uh serious about hypotheticals sometimes in comedy, they'll be like, well, that's not entirely true. Yeah, they're like let's see how it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_09

Someone's in the audience are like it's actually because of the child bearing hips. Someone said that to him?

SPEAKER_07

No, I just bet uh there has to be something.

SPEAKER_09

Oh, yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Is it's like I think as you get older as a man, if you start thinking about actually like the the instinct of like wanting to have children, I think you get attracted to that subconsciously because it's like if if a woman has like you know a bigger butt, that usually means she's got night uh larger hips and then she has you know can have more children. That's kind of I think that's where that comes from.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, I think you're probably right. Um it is interesting though. Because if it if there was a trend, I feel like skinny girls were super in style in like the early 2000s.

SPEAKER_09

Definitely, and now I mean dude, in like the 90s, 2000s, now it's fat bitches, of course.

SPEAKER_07

Don't no, but you remember to Cadie Fox. That's when like models ling agencies were like super fucked up and everyone was bulimic and stuff like that. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, like in like old like 90s comedies, like the joke was like, Oh my god, your ass is so fat. Yeah, but they would say it like a derogatory way. They'd be like, Becky, your ass is so fat. Oh my god, what a gross pig. And that was like the joke in the 90s in like American Pie movies.

SPEAKER_07

It's like all those girls who were slim, thick, and beautiful back then. You go to the time machine and everyone's making fun of them, and you're like, No, we and I'm from the future. We like this now.

SPEAKER_09

No, yeah. So if we had a time machine, that's what you would choose to do with it.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, I would I would I would you clean up a voice of a voice for them, you know?

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, you're like, I'm not gonna fix any of like the woes or the wrongs in the world. Yes. I'm just gonna go just clean up with the with the uh thick booty host.

SPEAKER_07

I feel like it was just white people that didn't like that though, because if you listen to rap music from that time, like Yeah, well, no, yeah, they've been on that.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah. They've been on that for for for eons, dude, for centuries. Eons.

SPEAKER_07

Um but anyways that is wait, that's we're appropriating them in that thing as well. We're appropriating their love of the ass. Yes. I guess so. Because we we were always like enjoyed our skinny women. I mean, it's like, yeah, we've never had an Rat music made f fat asses still. No, you're right. There was never now all of a sudden white people are super into fucking fat asses.

SPEAKER_09

True. There was never an an Iggy Azalea in the 90s. No, no. She was like a she's like a new creature.

SPEAKER_07

I know. And she had a baby with Playboy Cardi. Wow. Pretty crazy.

SPEAKER_09

You know who else is having this is a tangent. You know who else is having a baby? Who? Bonnie Blue. I heard that that was cap. I don't think it is. Let me see.

SPEAKER_07

Let me look it up.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, unless they gave her a fake thing. Like, I there was videos of her where it's like she has like a baby, like she looks pregnant. And she was on a podcast recently saying she's gonna do like a baby shower. I'm looking it up right now. He's looking it up. And while he's looking it up, I'm pulling up this Bonnie Blue pregnant.

SPEAKER_07

Oh. I think she is. Oh my god, dude. You know what the first article says that comes up? It's really disturbing. It's really it's a compliment. I I I just the headline. I don't even need it says Bonnie Blue plans to hold golden shower during baby shower. Yep, that's what I was gonna say. I mean, if that kid is a boy, abort him.

SPEAKER_09

I think he's gonna abort himself. Dude, oh my god. I know okay, actually, can I play I have the clip from it? Can I play it? Um, listen to this. I'll play it right now for you. I'll play this and then we'll get back to the thing I was saying about this uh this this chick. You ready for this? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Did I hear right that you have stunt planned for June? Yes, I have a baby shower on Saturday. Next Saturday, and I'm inviting the public to turn my baby shower into a golden shower. Why? It's just fun, it's a twist on the baby shower, and we're having sex with the people as well as and it's gonna be like a mixture of wholesome baby shower games like the traditional try and do for baby food along with all the fluids added in there. Now I'm uncomfortable. Oh no.

SPEAKER_09

Bo, what do you have to say? I actually have no Bo, Bo, Bo? First first thoughts, first reactions.

SPEAKER_07

Like her b she has a baby inside of her, and now she's gonna have a bunch of other dudes. I I don't want to say it because it's just so vile to come inside of her while she has a baby brewing in the oven.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Oh no.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, that's pretty crazy, man.

SPEAKER_07

I wonder what my grandma would say if I sent her that video right now.

SPEAKER_09

I don't even I I I feel like an old, like a person that old would maybe like they might just start crying. It's like I feel like that's abuse. Yeah. Like dude, that baby's just trying to get some slings.

SPEAKER_07

Because now that kid That baby's trying to get some goddamn peace and quiet. Whatever sex the baby is sucks either way, but if that baby's a boy, he's ruined. I mean, the middle school lunch table is already a very terrible spot. That's forever that video of her.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, dude, my friend in elementary school had like a hot mom. Yeah, and he didn't hear the end of it until high school. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Imagine if that hot mom was taking back shots at your baby shower.

SPEAKER_09

That's I mean, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_07

Imagine getting back shots before you're even born.

SPEAKER_09

I mean, yeah, like for him, it's like his mom, his mom was just kind of attractive. We were like, But like in like middle school, we're like, dude, we're gonna fuck your mom.

SPEAKER_07

And she's like, yeah, he's like, okay, but you're not. And he's like, yeah, shut up.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, he's like, but you're my god, she's gonna fuck her son's kid friends. That yeah, she'll dude.

SPEAKER_05

She'll have like the walker, she'll be like, Well, in this video, I brought my son's mates over. Would you would you My son's mates are gonna hit me in the mouth?

SPEAKER_09

And his and his son's like, Mom, please. No, his his son, no, the the son's in like a mental institution. Just just hearing about this. The guard's like, Yeah, about what your mom did. And he's like, just the guard also did it. Oh no, bro. Your mom was great.

SPEAKER_06

He's in a padded cell and he's like, Fuck.

SPEAKER_05

In the next video, they're gonna sponk in my face. Spoon.

SPEAKER_07

That's horrible.

SPEAKER_05

I got a hundred of my son's classmates. They're gonna sponk.

SPEAKER_07

Oh my god, dude.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, so that's uh that's that's disgusting.

SPEAKER_06

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_09

That is actually really gross. I wonder if she knows who the father is. I doubt it. I'm gonna look it up. I mean, maybe she does. I mean, you know, it's like it could have been between doing like videos and stuff. But I mean that's just that's like the end like like you see that and you're like we just need to stop doing the OnlyFans the OnlyFans stuff like just needs to there needs to be a limit on that because that is it's like so disgusting I just have nothing to say to about it. You wanna see the scrolling mattress on hinge?

SPEAKER_07

Yeah I I gotta continue this conversation though because it's uh it's just like are we are we that like we've we've gone over in society like that's over time where it's like why are we even giving this woman a platform to say things like that and that's yeah it really it's just making me sad like it's it's more it's like not even like texting this girl on hand just to make better you can't do that like it's just so sad what it's just so funny overdoing to women and this chick is hot.

SPEAKER_09

That's what you're doing right now.

SPEAKER_07

Yep and she's and uh she is hot here you gotta bring bring the mic closer to you bro get in get in the m get on the mic I slumped I slumped down in my chair you're slumping dude slumping in my chair but this was a girl I matched with oh she's good looking when I first moved here texted what what what did she say no we like texted a few times tried to meet set a date she canceled it set another date she canceled it and I was just like okay I'm just gonna day of uh it was like day before that happened to me twice where a girl set meet canceled set meet canceled both day of and it like I know that Hinge obviously you don't have an emotional relationship with somebody because you don't know them and you've never met them in person she's good looking yeah but it is still rude and like if you cancel one time it's okay day of is still pretty tough. I've done it before but I always feel crappy about it. Two cancellations that's a complete loser move so I'm gonna put that in the loser corner on her part not on your part that's fucking rude. I agree and you and I I one time just texted a girl and was like that's rude as shit. I honestly should have because I have a time crunch as well I have work I do a lot of things I'm a busy man and the fact is I set a time to meet and I gave you a spot and as we both know I'm going to pay for everything and I'm missing work tonight for that. And we went over it that week so you know what that's not cool. You know what? You're being really nasty.

SPEAKER_09

Really nasty um but yeah and so but I got her Instagram and then ever since then I just see her on in like post stuff on Instagram and so eventually I was like you know what I'm just gonna like I'm gonna send a like a just a message on on like responding to a story just like Hail Mary it a little bit. And I was like hey I'm traveling at the moment but I come back to New York next week um we I know we never got to hang like we matched on hinge but we never got to hang out but I thought maybe be cool to get together. Um let me know if you have any time when we're back in the city and then her response was I'm actually moving to Australia soon.

SPEAKER_07

Are you on hinge right now? No I heard everything you said by the way but you're but you were just on hinge uh bro I w you went oh no because what you just said that that girl is moving to Australia. Which I don't even know is she American she is I don't think she would lie about Australia. Like if you were gonna lie you'd just be like I'm moving to LA or something like that.

SPEAKER_09

I guess yeah I guess so but she's just like I'm moving to Australia and I was like well that's over with so that's a bummer.

SPEAKER_07

This is the thing about women right and I'm not why are you why do you need to move to Australia? Like I was texting my coworker Crystal today who I love to death and she wants to be a comic and she wants to be a booker and then she does all the and then she texted me last night she's like I think I'm gonna buy a van and just live with a bunch of cats and do like a tour of the US and I said you're a crackhead you don't need to fucking do that to find yourself. Just live here and figure it out that's my response you will figure it the fuck out you tell her that yes I was making fun of her the entire day I sent her a bunch of clown emojis yeah you're like you're being insane I was like this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

SPEAKER_09

See that's the kind of thing where like it would be fun for like the first week.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

And then like week two you have like seven cats in a van it smells like shit. Yes. And you're like you get you get a flat tire and you're in like Salt Lake City and you're like what the hell am I doing? Yeah and you're and you uh And I'm saying I I'm saying that from I've heard people do like tell me that like type of thing where they're like yeah I thought it was going to be like this amazing van trip and after two weeks I was like what the fuck did I just do?

SPEAKER_07

Yes yeah and it's not fun it's it's the actually least fun thing you could possibly do. Yeah one of my buddies you can just go on vacation.

SPEAKER_09

One of my buddies actually uh him and his girlfriend went through a breakup and then he told me that uh he was like yeah she texts me to like get drinks to like catch up and they like did and he said that she told him she was like yeah I'm gonna get a van and just travel around the US to kind of just like find myself and he was just like what the fuck he was like look what he's like he told me he was like I know we're not together anymore but he's like I just wanted to tell her like that's a bad idea just don't do that and then he was like did I drive her to this like that is just so annoying. He's like did I drive her to wanting to get a van and then just leave it's not an only woman thing though men do shit like that too. I mean dude I was gonna do that after I graduated from college yeah I literally had a plan I was gonna get a van and I was gonna drive around the country doing stand up.

SPEAKER_07

Okay that's that's something I I respect that more after college because like that's actually something that you have sort of I mean I did I moved to LA for two years but I knew but when you're like in the zone and you're past like four or five six years out of college you can't do things like that anymore. Because then God forbid I say it you're a fucking loser yeah don't like I mean yeah if you're like 30 doing that yeah it's like dude just just just just get a job.

SPEAKER_09

Just just get a job junior yeah it's tough. It's tough out there.

SPEAKER_07

Like who should who should we that's the you know what I here's the thing right I see all these stats about how sad people are in America and like everyone's on antidepressants and stuff like that. Fine. I'm not here to shit on antidepressants I am but if you legitimately have a mental chemical imbalance that's fine. Do you know who's not do you know what the one of the least quote unquote depressed countries in the world is what like third world countries usually they don't have time to think about their feelings because they are working all the time yeah well yeah because they're trying not to get like there's like my dad gave me this trying to get like get killed by a tiger or what yes exactly or or they're just like they they literally are working like 14 hours a day again not good I hope that they don't have to do that but we have we have such a luxury in this country that we can sit and bitch about things. Yes and be like oh my life is so hard no it's not it's I mean yeah relatively speaking to them relatively to to the entire world to the entire world and most of the country yes nope that's what I say no it's good to remember because I'll sit in my apartment sometimes and I'll be like I just want to Yeah yeah I get sad I just want more matches on hand yeah I do the same thing or I'm like uh I'm I'm going nowhere in my life and I should have never started stand-up comedy and it ruined my life and uh I mean yeah we would have been so much better off just getting a real job like everyone ever told me to do but I could see you doing like like selling solar from home that sounds miserable if I were to have what would you do if you had like a real like a normal job what do you mean what would I like oh like what job would I do? Yeah I mean you're a podcast producer but I still feel like that's kind of niche. I would mean like something that has nothing to do with like entertainment.

SPEAKER_09

Nothing to do with entertainment. I thought maybe I would be a lawyer when I was like younger. Yeah I could see that I was like I was like maybe a lawyer because like I I'm good at you know I was like I'm pretty good at talking I can argue I can debate like I I was I was like that when I was a kid I would like debate teachers. What a 12 year old would think a lawyer is exactly I had no idea what it was but I just it's like what you see on TV.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah so I thought maybe lawyer dude I thought I was gonna be in the NFL I'm not gonna lie well that's crazy. I still thought that as a freshman in college when I was going into college you're 6'2 yeah but I was like I'm kind of nice with it did you play in high school well there there are centers so I yeah I mean I I played at UVA for a little bit uh D1 football you're like well there is one guy from 1975 who was 6'2 and white in the NFL the only offensive lineman position that you legitimately could be shorter and play is probably center maybe guard there's a couple of them that are not like 6'6 that are more like 6'2 6'3 and uh and D tackles a lot of D-tackles are shorter because they like you can get under the big guys easier so but they're obviously jacked but I was 270 pounds going into college really yes I was recruited to play football in college oh have I told you that before no I thought you were just bullshitting no no I'm dead serious like that ass I was a weapon uh I was I was recruited to play football at the University of Virginia I was a preferred walk-on which means that you don't you're I was like I was good enough to play like one double A football I I really wanted to go to an Ivy because my dad played football at Yale and I actually was recruited to do that but um I tore my knee up really badly so I got a preferred walk-on offer at UVA which means that they help you get into the school but you don't they won't put you on scholarship unless you really kill it but you're like you don't have to try out to be on the team you're fully on the team and I was 270 pounds and they wanted me to get to 300 pounds and I was playing center and two months in I was not making progress with my knee and so they were like keep rehabbing and then I was in the rehab office and I was like I actually just genuinely fucking hate this and I quit and had a normal collegiate experience. Nice but two months prior to that I was like dude if I gain 30 pounds I'm gonna work hard and be in the NFL. Damn I mean yeah so I get it never happened I was not good enough and my hands are really small even though I'm 6'2 I have tiny hands which is really I never so snapping the ball would have been a very tough thing. You do have kind of I mean no offense tiny hands little little guy hands little bo with his tiny hands I'll show you a picture.

SPEAKER_09

270 bro you were a unit I was a fucking I was a beast that's awesome NFL yeah you may be you could have done like yeah you I feel like if you were to do a normal job now it'd be like sales or something. Yeah like I do feel like I could see you doing like at home sales like for like solar panels because I have a buddy who does that.

SPEAKER_07

No I think I would I think I would want to be like a real estate agent.

SPEAKER_09

Alright try to sell me something right now um okay there's a phone call you're cold calling me and you're as you're you're this is you're playing yourself. Okay. Listen to me.

SPEAKER_07

Get off hinge no no I'm I'm setting a I'm doing a phone call I'm I'm putting the uh the ringer on so that you're gonna call me and I'm right next to you? No I'm gonna pretend like you're ruining the bit. No you're ruining the bit I'm gonna pretend like my phone actually rings and then I'm gonna I'm gonna call you okay okay.

SPEAKER_09

So this this is you in a different life. Okay. Let's say let's say your knee never blew out you kept playing and you did well but you were like I don't think I'll do NFL but let's transition to sales you're trying to sell me solar panels this is a cold call you don't know who I am go.

SPEAKER_07

I'm trying to sell you solar panels okay that's your phone ringing hello Connor what's going on my man how we doing uh who is this and why are you calling this is uh this is Bo Bigelow I'm from Solar Enterprise okay how did you get my number uh there my buddy uh my buddy texted me about it he said he might be interested uh who's your buddy do I know uh Jacques Von Schwartz the first um I don't think I know that name but thank you for your time oh hey wait wait wait wait wait wait wait actually you're not allowed to leave the phone call um let's I have snipers on your roof right now sir I don't know if you think this is like a funny thing but I'm a I'm actually being so serious right now if you if you hang up that phone we have a red dot site right on your forehead temple pal I don't need I don't I don't see that listen to me listen to me listen to me right fucking now listen pal if you if you close that phone call you are going to regret this I have people in your fucking house there's a SWAT team downstairs with dogs canine unit dogs sweetie what was that no she's gone sweetie listen to me right now okay listen to me right fucking now who the fuck are you and what do you want to I'm gonna explain that where's my wife listen where's my wife tell you don't move a muscle I can see you moving your hand I I have eyes on you I can see you what color shirt am I wearing you're wearing a gray shirt and it's striped and it's collared and you were in the bathtub even though your clothes you were the bathtub is close to the mirror so you're in there to get like sort of a wider view of your shirt.

unknown

Yeah that's true.

SPEAKER_07

Listen to me I know it's true.

SPEAKER_08

Where is my wife? What do you think?

SPEAKER_07

I will tell you what was your name my name is Bo. I'm a salesman solar pin.

SPEAKER_09

Listen Bo my name's Connor I have a family as you know my wife I don't know where she is I have kids are at school right now. It's all gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_07

Listen listen listen I don't what is this? Hey shut up listen to me okay okay it's all everything's gonna be okay buddy okay everything's gonna be okay okay okay so um I have solar panels I have a two for one deal okay you but if you buy two you get one that's sort of what two for one means but I live in Seattle it's cloudy all the time this doesn't make sense but but these solar panels are so good that they actually they work with the clouds and the clouds That's impossible no but it's a new brand that we're testing okay and it's something that I really think you should get no listen to me it's something I really think you should get a hold of okay you're a smart fellow you have enough money I see the house the house is it's a beautiful thank you it's it's beautifully painted pink and other colors as well thank you thank you I can see it right now I mean I'm I like I said I have I have drones okay I can see the house and it's beautiful and I think it just would really really be just a beautiful place with some solar panels you'd save on electric too just that's the thing people forget just don't tell my wife I've got so much money in electricity I won't tell her I won't tell her I won't tell her don't worry you might not see her in a while anyways what do you mean she just is she alive listen we're getting off topic pal. Am I gonna get a tax write-off for these solar panels you're not getting attacked we're getting a little off topic no a I'm a tax write off do I get a tax write off tax write off and guess what people people forget this you pay so much money in electrical bills I just need to know one thing if you go I need to know one thing okay were these solar panels made in China because I do not support that and neither does my wife brother I just talked to your wife and she supports China what do you mean she's fine with it okay some of them were made in China some some of them were made in other people the most upsetting part of this conversation buddy buddy buddy buddy get a hold of yourself I'm sorry I'm sorry okay stop moving your hands if you move your hands and that's resisting I'm stop resisting put your hands on the cat I'm stop resisting don't don't resist listen I'm stop resistant listen we can I get out do you have a do you have any kids actually I know you have kids you have two kids can I get out of the battery what am I even talking about if you with your first with your first two bathtub yeah give me one sec. He says he wants to leave the bathroom over okay I'll tell him yes you can get out of the bathroom I'm getting out of the bathtub you can get out of the bathtub where are my kids I will tell you in a second just with with every two you get one and then we also throw in like a fun goody bag okay you like goodie bags yeah goody bagsie bags you like goody bags we'll throw in a fun goody bag with a couple treats for the tots uh this sounds like actually kind of a good deal yeah it's it is it is trust me I would never leave I'm a great salesman by the way you are a really stop moving your arms just I'm serious we are very very serious about that you can leave the bathtub but don't move your arms because we don't know if you have a weapon or something like that.

SPEAKER_08

Where's my dog?

SPEAKER_07

Don't worry about that okay Skippy don't know did you just kill my dog no dude no it sounds like you killed my dog Skippy No shut up okay what's your credit card number 351 are you excited about the purchase yeah it's a good deal dude I just I still can't get it's hard like you said it's hard to get good sunlight in Seattle and it's cloudy almost every day so I still don't understand how this is a good it's a good deal. No the price is good but it's cloudy all the time dude I went to Stanford okay that's actually really impressive it I I had a I dude I mean we could go on and on about how tough I had it growing up. Did you play football? I did indeed actually do you still play football? I had to quit because uh my NFL career kind of got I wanted to go to the NFL I wanted to go to the NF I wanted to go to the NFL hey it's okay you can be honest with me what happened I just really wanted to go to the NFL now you're you didn't make it and now you're selling solar panels under questionable circumstances.

SPEAKER_09

That's okay man look I can tell from your voice that you're scared I'm scared too you're scared because you don't know where your life is going and I'm scared because I think you just killed my wife and my dog and maybe kidnapped my children. But honestly that's okay because life is m that more it's about more than the NFL and your wife and your kids and your dog being alive. You know what life is about it's about seeing the sun it's about seeing the silver lining it's about it's okay. Life is about seeing the sunlight peeking through the clouds because you know you know what happens when the sunlight peaks through the clouds you get you get free energy from your solar panels. So you know what I'm gonna give you my credit card okay I'm gonna buy all of the solar panels I don't wear didn't kill Skippy that was that was just a sound effect we used to well that's that's nice he's alive that's you're a good you're a good salesman feeding him Scooby snacks as we speak you're one of the best phone salesmen I've ever worked with are you Indian okay I'm I'm a white man I couldn't tell all right and that's the scene folks that's insane folks this has been a lovely podcast folks I don't even know what we're doing anymore okay guys thanks for listening to the Losers podcast um we're gonna like I said we're creating this podcast in real time that was crazy we're creating this podcast in real time in real this is happening right now but like in future episodes you guys are all gonna be a part of the process of us figuring it out figuring it the fuck out we're gonna these first two episodes haven't been filmed no video but we're gonna start once we get our new apartment that we just got ding win ding ding ding ding ding ding ding we just got approved for a new apartment in Williamsburg we're gonna build a studio in it uh these podcasts are gonna be video from now on yeah we're gonna have people calling in we have a new intern named Mitch he's he's dude he's like a crypto goon just make him an intern we should make him an intern because his job is fake anyways I feel like like okay just for a quick uh a quick outro here his cousin is also moving in with us yeah he works for like some billionaire guy and he's I don't know if he's a billionaire whatever he's a rich guy yeah and he does this guy's sports gambling and gets paid in Bitcoin I don't know have you seen the movie Limitless yes do you remember how it opens with him standing on his balcony he's about to kill himself because the Russians are trying to kill him that is 100% what I think is going to happen.

SPEAKER_07

You gotta ask him about it when you see him in person because I think it's safer than than that by a lot of we'll see we will see but anyways um we're gonna yeah we're gonna I think we're gonna try to get a number for this so people can call like hopefully if we can get 1-800 losers that would be dope but we're gonna figure that out people can call in tell us stories from their week or their or just their life in general about them being a loser yeah we got a lot of cool segments in the works and uh and we'll do more salesman pitches that was fun yeah that was just all right folks have a great weekend uh cali token this has been this has been cali flavor this has been cali flavor from new york city signing off