Episode 3 - The work you put into yourself will always pay off.

The Yin to the Yang of Spill the Milk Podcast.

This is an insight into a small part of Danielle's story and what, why and how she got to where she has and why the goal posts have changed and how she has had to evolve and now enjoys the process of evolving. 

If this doesn't make you think about why we need to continue to strive to be slightly uncomfortable and focus on the things you can control, I don't know what will.

Enjoy and please drop us a message with any insights or breakthroughs you have. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And that's a long couple of years. Two years I spent on on solid medication bouncing from a stronger dose to a stronger dose. Good morning. Bit of an SMR for you. Been procrastinating this morning about doing this. So I said, if I have a pickle, I have to start. If you don't know, I'm Danielle. And let me talk about how like life's hard. And I'm gonna talk about my background and like why I believe this is a really important topic to think about because I used to live in a bit of a mentality of life is against me. And even like growing up, like I used to think that you know I'd never get there or never do this, I'd do that. But I I always had this drive about me, and you know, whether it's football, you know, school, somebody said I'd never be able to do something, I'd do it. There was always that thing of like, oh god, it's a bit shit in that, and then I think I've just realized now that like I've just got to stop waiting for things to be perfect, stop waiting for the right circumstances and life to get easier because I just realized that no matter where in your journey you are, life doesn't get any easier. And like if I talk about my journey now, so like as a child, again, I didn't have any siblings until I was nine, cool. Um, bit of an outsider when it came to people. Am I autistic? We'll never know. Definitely ADHD, diagnosed. Um, but I love football, and it was my escapism, it was my safe place, it was where I had confidence, so I would do anything to get there. I was alright at it. Uh played for Fulham and Chelsea development for a couple of years before I joined the army, and again, army escapism. Nobody knows this, right? But you do now. Um I was escaping uncomfortable and hard conversations, situations, um, and I also didn't want to go to college. Um yeah, and then I realized that I'd actually picked a harder option. I was told that um you play sport on a Wednesday, you can play your football, you can do this, you get paid for it. And I did live that part of my life for a while. But you know, when you're sold a dream, like you'll be fixed when you get six pack. Yeah, I was told that as well. But again, it's like these things they just don't fix us, and it life is hard, but we're always avoiding discomfort, whether we like it or not. Okay, discomfort me talking about this today, slightly uncomfortable, but at the same time, we rely on motivation, we blame stress, we blame time, circumstances. I've done it too. I'm not calling you out as an individual, right? But like, I don't want you to kind of think that discomfort means danger because it is uncomfortable, our brain's not used to this thing, but it does become easier, and the more like I don't know, the more we do this uncomfortable things, the the more we feel comfortable doing it, and I say this to ladies I work with as well, in that sense of like the more comfortable you get doing uncomfortable things, the easier your life is gonna be. And we all know what we need to be doing, right? But we're not doing it, and it's you're not broken, it's not this, it's not that. It's like going, Hey, well, why am I avoiding this discomfort? What is it about this discomfort that I'm avoiding? I'm still not perfect, by the way. I avoid sitting down and not doing anything. Um, I like being busy, it stops me from thinking about the things that I don't want to think about. Uh, we all have our little traits, don't we, that we need to work on. Okay, so no matter where you are in your journey, there's always something, okay? Million pounds, no million pounds, in your dream business, not still in that job. There's still gonna be that discomfort, right? Um, so school led me to the army and a 13-year career, which again I prolonged for about five years because of this discomfort of leaving comfortable, which was a steady income, a job that I'd always dreamed of. Um, again, having uncomfortable conversations with people about why I wanted to leave. And in theory, now I look back, it was literally just that I'd outgrown it slightly, and I just wanted a little bit more from life. I wanted to study, I wanted to go to uni, you know, I wanted to PT, I wanted to coach more, and I wasn't given that opportunity. So there, signed the dot line, give me a year's notice. But I'd literally started my online coaching about 18 months before, planning my wedding, started a new job that was full-time uh in Cardiff. Uh me, but like it was full, full-time, like periods of time where 16 days, about a day off, plus coaching, uh, planning my wedding, moving house. It was a lot. But there was just something in me going, I'm gonna do this. I need to do this for me, and I think that's really the first time that I've sat there and gone, do you know what? I I can do anything I set my mind to, and it's proved that to me, no matter what, uh, is going on. I I do the one percent for myself every day. But I'm not making out like that's easy, right? I'm not, but at the time I was in it, I was in the mix of it. I was a victim, I was a victim to my surroundings that I'd put myself in, that I'd chosen. And it removes control. You like you imagine you're driving and somebody else takes a steering wheel, you're not in control of that. That's the way I look at it. And when I realized that I didn't have to be a victim, that was quite powerful. Really, really quite powerful. Army income, my time, my passions, what I enjoy, all these things, hormones, stress that I was using other things to manage it with, which again isn't great. But it leads me on to like the hardest thing. Oh the realisation that I was struggling, if I'm honest. Uh, I'd always since I was about I think I was 12, 13 when I started therapy, CBT, whatever you fucking call it, but oh man, it's hard. Um I'd bounced from therapist to therapist to therapist from medication to medication to medication. I was driving to work. I'm gonna not gonna tell you what workplace it was, but it was an hour and ten minute drive. I was going up this hill, and I just had this overwhelming feeling hot. I lost my breath, I couldn't see properly, seeing all stars, but I was stuck in a single-lane traffic, and there was road works to the left of me, road works to the right. I couldn't stop. And I remember gripping that wheel so tightly. I was having a panic attack, and I had frequent panic attacks, but I'd never had a panic attack in the car. I felt quite comfortable in the car. I liked driving, I liked listening to music and podcasts and learning and all these kind of things. And wow, that moment it hit me. I drove straight to the medical centre. Helicopter going off. Uh, and I said, I need help. And they were like, Oh yeah, you're under this and that, and okay, you know, we'll give you some medication. You've got anxiety. Oh, okay, cool, cool, cool. I got home six weeks later. Been doing the same stuff, had a bit of time off, went back into work, and the same things were happening repeatedly, repeatedly. And I was like, Why the why is this medication not working? It's been six weeks. And I spoke to one person, I remember them just saying, like, what are you doing outside of work? Nothing, going to the gym and walking my dog, um, go out on a Saturday, that kind of thing. Normal, normal, quote unquote normal stuff. Okay, you are you doing anything? But I'm on medication. And it was that that thought that like I didn't need support because the medication was there. And you know, when you're just like, oh man, if only I had seen that earlier or had that support to go, Dan, the medication isn't here to fix you. The medication is here to support you, just like support is, and it's like, why was nobody telling me these things? Because they didn't know, right? They can't tell you what they don't know, but then you need to realise that your surroundings have an impact on how you feel, and I didn't realise that. Oh god, I forgot that was on. I didn't realise that, if I'm totally honest. Um I was like, okay, what do I do? Went under another therapist, still not fixed, still drinking lots, still binge eating, all these kind of things. And that was a long couple of years. Two years I spent on on solid medication, bouncing from a stronger dose to a stronger dose, to a stronger dose, to just feel numb. So numb. I don't I I say to anybody now that is like, oh yeah, I'll take this tablet or I'll take this powder and it'll it'll fix the the issue. I go, please, just wait. Are you doing one, two, or three? You know, are you calming down? Are you exercising regularly? Are you eating well? Or like actually coping with the things and getting some mechanisms in place for you to have control. This is the difference, right? There are so many things we can control, but there's so many things that we can't control. And when we're so stuck in that cycle and that loop of worry, worry, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, worry, worry, worry, we lose control. And people don't realise that is like we're worrying over things that we don't need to worry about. You know, like my siblings, they're younger, they're going through their work journey and stuff like that. Sometimes I think, oh man, like, I wonder if there's anything I can do to help them speed up their journey and this and that. And I'm like, well, actually, nine times out of ten, all they need to know is that I'm there. And I'm like, is that enough? Yeah, I'm controlling that situation. So it's about how we frame it, how we work it in our head to really move forward with that. Okay, and support isn't avoiding discomfort. Taking a tablet and hoping that it fixes the issue is avoiding discomfort. Okay, there's a lot of medication going around at the moment. Again, it's supporting people, but you need the support externally, I believe, right? Again, coaching gives you the tools and the mechanisms to be able to sustain that when the medication goes because you can't stay on medication for ages. And when we stop waiting for that right time to do whatever it is, it doesn't have to be anything crazy, it can just be that one thing that you're putting off that you know deep down is gonna change your life, right? That could be locking in at the gym, like you know, I'm a coach. The gym has been the most amazing environment for me to learn about myself, my body, my mind, and how to do the things I don't want to do on a regular basis and build up that repetition. Again, uh, people go, oh, it's so good for your mental health, and it fixes you, and it's my therapy. I get it, but it's not therapy, right? It's it's far from it. It's just helping you build up that resilience to do the hard things, do the just do the things that are uncomfortable, and it's helped me understand that I need to regulate my breathing, my emotions, my responses to things, the amount of control I have day to day, all these different things that I didn't think I could control. And people now think that I've got it all figured out, like that's absolute crap. I still have struggles. Yes, they have cried three times. Uh, one of them was at lunch in a classroom uh with a lot of people around me, and I was like, I read through my brain dump from the night before, and I was like flipping L. But then my period arrived, and I was like, ah, feeling a lot better now. Um, so there is that as well, just giving yourself permission sometimes, innit? But again, you can't control your hormones, but you can control your actions, and this is where it all stems from. Like, our feelings, our emotions shouldn't be dictating the actions that we do for ourselves because then we just nick knock our discomfort uh add to discomfort, knock our self-confidence, is what I was trying to say. I don't know if you agree with me on that, but like the more you don't do the thing you know you need to do, you just feel like a piece of shit. And I'd said for years I was gonna stop drinking, I was gonna stop smoking, and stop binge eating, oh I'd never do it again, go on a low calorie diet again and try and lose a bit of body fat. And then oh, that was another thing that added to that period of time where I was coaching, is I wanted to do a photo shoot because every other coach was doing a photo shoot. I was like, I'll lock in for 16 weeks, I'd just like hit my steps every day, stay on top of my calories. I train three times a week because that's what I believe is the best. Um, I don't do added cardio because I was taking some runs with the squadron, so I was doing like four sessions a week steps, walking to and from the flat, and I got shredded. Done the photo shoot, looked amazing, had loads of like people commenting on the pictures and stuff, and that was probably the second most empty feeling of my life because again, I was I I was struggling with things at that point, and I didn't understand why. But having again spoken with James, my coach slash psychotherapist, amazing guy, um it's in here, it's what matters, and that kind of stuff don't matter to me. It genuinely doesn't. I do not give a chit who likes my post. Um, I appreciate you, obviously, but like I don't go, oh my god, did I get a hundred likes on that? If anything, it made me think, well, why do I not feel good now I have a six pack? And this is the thing: life is still hard, no matter how you look. Everything to me now, and through that experience, is how I feel going through all the discomfort and getting all the knowledge I have and surrounding myself with constant support. I have a coach, I have a nutritionist, I have a psychotherapist, I have my husband, I have my dog, I have Lucy, you know, I have people around me. And even the clients that I coach, they're there for support as well. You know, like I had a message the other day, like, I hope you're okay, because I put something on the chat, and it was like, you know, I said this kind of similar thing of you know, who struggled this week? And it was like me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I was like, okay, cool, that's not a good thing, but at the same time, it's just realistic. Everybody struggles with things, right? So that example of like that year that I got married, starting a business, trying to leave the army, moving house, doing a photo shoot, did I want to add any more to my plate? But all that did, I think of it like an elastic band, right? Is it stretched me, like your muscle. You stretch it, rips a little bit, get a bit tired, right? You get tired when you're doing these things, and then it goes back. There's your sprint, there's your recovery. So you can't constantly be stretching this because then, as you know, ping, it goes, and that's where you get burnout and all these kind of things, which I've also previously struggled with. But the thing is here, whether you start the business, whether you don't start the business, whether you leave the relationship or you don't, whether you I don't know, start the gym or you don't, like you're still gonna have struggles and a hard life. So, in my opinion, it's like just go and do the thing, right? Enjoy the process, learn to enjoy the process of becoming a better version of yourself. Stop focusing so much on like the little things that are niddling you and setting you off track. You know, I see it a lot with women with scale weight and their diet and things like that. It's always all or nothing. And like, I still have them thoughts. I'm not perfect. I still have them thoughts, oh fuck this. I'm gonna go and again, I had it on Monday, I'm gonna go and just sink myself into some vodka. I can't be asked like to think about this, and it's avoiding this discomfort. I'm gonna eat my emotions, I'm gonna drink it, I'm gonna not go for the walk. All these things that I know I should do, but it's uncomfortable. I still get the thought, just the action and the response is different. And I want to give you that empowerment today. I genuinely do. Life isn't going to get easier, stop being hard. Again, like there will always be a struggle. If we're waiting for the right time, permission. Let this be your permission, right? Choose that one thing that's uncomfortable. And take control of it. You know, you're you are far more capable than you think. Right? I know people that have been stuck in dead end jobs for years and years and years in relationships. They leave and they go, Oh, it's that first step. It's the hardest, but it's the one you'll always remember, and it's the one that will take you from avoiding discomfort to yeah, my life's hard, but I'm taking control. And the moment you realise how much control you actually have, the world is your oyster. Somebody could give me right, and I I I challenge somebody today to put in the comments something that they think I won't be able to do, and I guarantee I will do it, right? I didn't think I could run a marathon, I didn't think I could do a triathlon, again, knee surgery. I I was told I wouldn't get back playing football because I had to have my second op. I was like, watch me. Um then fucked up my ankle, my back, and uh what else I do. Oh no, knee, ankle, back, yeah. Um, but either way, I stopped playing football. But I if somebody said to me, Go back, play football, I'd play football. Somebody said, I don't know, go and do the marathon, you know, the one in the desert. I'd go and do it. And you could call that a toxic trait, right? Or you could call it flipping cool. I want to be able to do cool things, and that's because I take control. And I know that if I put my mind to something, I'm gonna do it. The podcast. I knew it was always gonna happen, right? Only until I reached out to Lucy, I was like, mate, should I go for a coffee? Mic there, spilt milk, all that kind of stuff, right? It happens for a reason, but you can't just sit on it. You cannot, right? So whatever it is, the walk, the training session, the difficult conversation, the sitting in silence, the one that I struggle with, applying for the job, reaching out to the podcast to be on it, whatever it may be, or reaching out for support. Like I would love to give you that power today to do it, right? And like Lucy said last week, with her journey, it's inspired so many people. And I hope that we can do this as a team, and we will do this as a team, is inspire these people to take these actions, but give you all the real life, right? Not the high life, the silver spoons, all that kind of stuff, right? That's important to us because we are real people. I I haven't even showered after going for a run. Um, I done some check-ins, I took some guttering down at my dad's because I was procrastinating. Um, and then I was like, do you know what, Dan, make a brew, have a pickle, and get this done. Why? Because I know it's gonna help somebody today, and that is the only reason. That is the sole only reason, right? There's there's no monetary reasoning. It is like if I can help somebody today, I'm gonna feel really good about that. And I would love to know, again, throw us a comment, throw us a message on Instagram, whatever it is, the thing that we've helped you do. Okay, and that could be take that first step for the walk in the morning, sort out your morning routine, right? But as I say, nothing changes if nothing changes. Life is hard, we're avoiding discomfort, and when we when we know this, knowledge is power, all it is is that we have to take the step forward to go and do the thing. Like I said, it's the hardest thing. But I'm gonna leave a question for the next person. What's the hard conversation that's changed your life? So that is for the next person and the next episode. So I look forward to that. Again, like I say, reach out to us, tell us stuff you want us to talk about, and anybody that wants to come on the pod, drop us a message with your email. And again, I hope you've enjoyed this episode, and I hope it's given you that little kick. That little gentle nudge behind you to get you to step forward today. Again, if you haven't already, subscribe, set your notifications for Monday morning to listen or watch the podcast. Have a fantastic rest of your day.