Part 1:Healing in Narcissistic Abuse: Staying Safe & Growing While Staying

I’m kicking off a new 6–7 episode series on healing from narcissistic abuse/coercive control, starting with support for those who aren’t ready or able to leave. I’m not encouraging anyone to stay or shaming anyone who can’t leave; only you know your finances, kids, faith, support system, and safety. I cover what you can do now: make a safety plan (including where you’d go and who you’d call), document abuse (emotional, financial, legal, sexual, spiritual, digital) privately for potential legal protection, build financial backup options (like discreet gift cards or cash back), and practice technology safety around devices, passwords, and searches. I also encourage learning about narcissistic personality disorder, building self-regulation to reduce reactions, reclaiming your identity, and finding validating support. You’re allowed to begin healing now—one breath, one safe person, and one small step at a time.

Transcript

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Hi, welcome back to Permission to Bloom with Nicole. This episode is kicking off a new series that I am going to be doing over the next six or seven episodes all about how to heal from narcissistic abuse or coercive control. So the first episode I'm dedicating to all of those lovely people out there that are not ready to or in a position yet to leave. Before I go any further into the episode, I want to be really clear that this episode is not me encouraging anyone to stay in an abusive situation, and it's also not me shaming anyone who's not ready or able to leave. Only you know the full reality of your life, your finances, your children, your faith, your support system, and truly your safety. My hope in this episode is to meet you where you are. If you are still in it, I want you to know that healing does not have to wait until everything in your life is perfect and figured out. And sometimes healing begins quietly, privately, and just one small step at a time. And that is okay. So they are still in it and are trying to figure out how to make the best of the situation while they still are living the life with this abuse happening. There is absolutely no judgment, um, at least not from me ever, on anybody who is in that position. And the reason why is because this is so complex and we don't all have support. There is a lot of pressure from society, from children, from family members, and all kinds of places, the church, your religion, whatever you know your beliefs are, to stay. Especially if it's a romantic relationship, such as a spouse and you're married. There's just a lot of pressure out there to keep your marriage together for the sake of the kids, that you can work through these problems. I will tell you that you cannot change a narcissist and you cannot make them better. But you can work on you. So, this very first episode, I'm going to run through some of the things that I think that you have within your control or that you can start working towards if you are still in the relationship and in the moment cannot see a way to leave or don't have interest in leaving. That is also very valid. Maybe you don't want to leave, but you do want to be happier. So the first thing I would definitely recommend if you are staying in the relationship is you need to have a plan for safety. Because even if they've never hit you or they've never done anything to jeopardize your physical safety, it doesn't mean that it won't happen. Abuse can escalate, and emotional, financial, legal, sexual, spiritual, and digital abuse are also serious forms of harm. I think that it can be really helpful and important for you to document any type of harm that you are experiencing that falls under any of the categories that I just mentioned. You need to do this safely and privately, but it's important that you save any evidence that you can of the physical, mental, financial abuse that you're experiencing so that you have something to fall back on should you need it in a legal case. This is not something that is supposed to cause you to obsess over everything, but a lot of women have these experiences that could have really helped them in court, but never saved any documentation because they just didn't think they would need it. And this also allows you to be able to say that you're not making it up. This actually happened. And here is the proof. I'm not crazy. But obviously, you need to do this in a smart way that's not going to put you at risk for your safety. You can't diminish also the financial abuse and you know the legal abuse and all the other ways that they abuse you that have a very big impact on your life and also require your safety. So it's important that you have finances and money at your disposal. It's important that you have healthcare or support with friends or family or a support group of some kind. So there's more that goes into safety, but definitely be focusing on your physical safety. Have a plan. If things get a little out of control or a lot out of control, who are you going to call? Who do you feel comfortable calling? If you have children, who can help you with them? Where can you all go to be safe? This also means having a financial backup plan. If you are someone that does not have your own work, which is very common in this type of abuse situation, then where are you going to get that money from? Do you have access to the finances? Are you able to put aside some money so that you have a getaway fund if you need it, or an emergency fund of whatever kind? Something that someone told me when I was still contemplating the idea of leaving my abuser. She had told me to start buying gift cards every time I go to the grocery store or the Target or the Walmart or wherever. Just get $10, $20, whatever you can feasibly take in a gift card form that won't look suspicious, that won't raise red flags. If it's $10 that that's all you can get away with, do it. If it's $100 or $500 and you can get away with that, do it. And put them away. And even if you never end up leaving, it's kind of like a savings plan. Or if you don't get gift cards, take cash back. If they will notice that on the receipts, if they look over the receipts and they notice cash back and they start questioning it, then maybe you have to do gift cards. And then you can, I don't really condone lying, but if it's for your own safety, then you have to do what you have to do. It's a gift card for a birthday party that one of the kids have, or it's a gift card for a teacher, or it's a gift card because I don't know, get creative. But so gift cards are taking cash back in advance so that you have a little nest egg to lean on should you need to get a hotel room for the night or to leave in general, or if they're withholding finances from you, then at least you have something to fall back on in the in the instance that you need to buy groceries or you need to get gas for your car. So your safety is not only your physical safety, but also your financial safety. Another piece of safety that I think is really important to mention is technology safety. We have these smartphones, we have home computers, things that we post and save and like and comment on online. If you're still living with the person or if they still have access to your phone, your passwords, your location, your car, your email, banking apps, social media, any of these things on shared devices in the home or even on your private phones, be very careful about what you search, what you save, and who you message. I don't say that to scare you, I just say that because your safety is really important. And sometimes the safest thing is to use a device they do not have access to, like a trusted friend's phone, a library computer, or a work device if that is safe and private. And if you are changing passwords or saving money, joining a support group or looking up resources, think through whether that could show up somewhere they can see. Because sometimes when they see that you are reaching out for help, this triggers them. And you have to be very careful. It's not to make you paranoid, it's just to make you think about what could happen before it happens. You deserve the support, but you also deserve to access that support safely. Learning as much as you can about narcissism and the personality disorder, not just the traits of narcissism, but the actual personality disorder. That means how it's formed, what the typical, you know, behaviors are that you would see, how to react to a narcissist in their different states. So the number one thing is you really kind of have to learn how to not have a reaction. And that's really tricky. And we're gonna cover that in future in the next episode, actually, it's about just your nervous system and self-soothing and how to regulate yourself, because that is critical when you're dealing with a narcissist. And it's probably one of the most challenging things that you can learn, but the most important thing that you can learn that will just benefit your life in so many ways. And I've said it before in previous episodes that if you are have been attracted to a narcissist or they have been attracted to you, that you're probably an empath. And that means that you feel things deeply, which means you probably express things deeply, which means that learning how to regulate yourself in the height of big intense emotions is really important because narcissists love that we as empaths are very reactive. They love that. That is like the magic yes button to them. They're like, oh, I got her, I got that reaction. She's flipping her stuff. Like she, I got to her feelings there. And that's exactly what they want because you have to imagine them being like a puppeteer. They are up there tilting the strings of that puppet, and they love seeing it move in the way that they are controlling it to move. And that's kind of how they are with you, with your kids, with other people in their lives. They love to pull the strings. And when you take the scissors to those strings, they do not know what to do. So learning about narcissism is a is really helpful because it can just make you understand how their brain works better so that you are just naturally not as surprised by some of the behaviors. And it helps you in your ability to stay regulated. Now, self-regulation is a practice. You will be triggered from here to the day that you die. It is just a part of life. But the real question is how quickly can you come back to baseline after you've been triggered? Of course, we want to lessen those intensities on those triggered moments, but it's also how quickly can you circle back and get back to baseline? So learning about it really helps you to be able to do that a little bit better. Learning as much as you can about yourself, understanding just you on an individual level. What do you like? What interests you? What are your biggest fears? What are your biggest strengths? What are your weaknesses? Really questioning yourself. And then, whatever the answers are to those questions, then starting to really delve into how can I improve myself? How can I use some of the strengths that I already have to fulfill myself? How can I use the strengths that I have or the skills that I have or the experiences that I've had to help other people? So this is getting to know yourself. You're dating yourself. And the reason why this is important is because if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you have been essentially erased. They are erasing your reality, they are erasing your likes, wants, and needs because they don't matter to them, only theirs matter. They are erasing your voice, they are erasing your well-being. So the way that you start to heal, even within the relationships, is by reclaiming those things for yourself. You have to start to focus the energy less on them. Of course, you always have to be focusing on your safety, and that requires you to pay attention to them to some degree. But you need to start pouring that energy that you would be using to manage them into yourself, into your kids. When the narcissist isn't home, what is life like? Make those times your haven, your soft landing spot. Make those times with your kids free and joyful and exciting and happy and all the things that you can make it when they're not there, that you can't really have when they are there. If it's safe for you to do this, I think it's really helpful to find a support group and hear what other people are experiencing because it's validating. It's helpful to hear other people's stories because it makes you feel less alone. It makes you also feel heard. It's practice for reclaiming your voice and talking about what you're experiencing. And of course, all of these things happen in different comfort levels and in layers. So you may struggle, you may find a support group and feel like it doesn't resonate with you, especially if you're choosing to stay. There's going to be a lot of people that try to tell you to leave. They want to see you get away because they know it's going to be safe for you and you're going to be able to be happier. But you also have to do it, and you have to do all of these different steps to healing when you're ready. You can't do it for someone else. You can't do it because someone else suggested it. You may know they're right, but that doesn't mean you're ready. And I totally get that because it I had to reach a certain point before I was ready. And every single person out there has to do the same thing. They have to do it when they feel ready. But it may be uncomfortable initially going to a support group and hearing somebody tell you you should leave. And being able to say back to them, I'm not ready, is very valid. But it may be hard for you to use your voice in that way initially. But I'm hoping that over time, if you keep going and you find the people that get it and understand you and that support you where you are, that you will then start to take baby steps to reclaiming your voice and say, you know, I respect your opinion. I know that it's probably better for me to leave, but I'm just not ready yet. And I know that I'll get there when the time is right, but I'm not there now. And so here I just want to be supported. I just want to learn as much as I can. I want support from everybody here so that I can continue to grow on this journey. And that would be my hope for you in terms of a support group, that you find some group of people, whether it's virtual, it's online, maybe it's a co-worker that just understands where you're coming from and what you're experiencing. I don't know. There are these little glimmers and these people that are put into our path at the right times to help nudge us along that give us the space to grow in our own way. And I like to think about those people because I've had them on my journey as well. They're kind of like earth angels to me. They come along just when you need it. They tell you the thing, they give you the bit of encouragement, they give you the soft landing place or that listening ear, that kind moment to be heard. And then just as quickly as they came, sometimes they disappear. And then you meet the next person, and the next person shares something or listens or does whatever they do to make you feel supported on the path. So there will always be those little tidbits along the way that are kind of stringing you along, connecting you with the people that you need to meet or talk to, make you feel supported and not alone. And I hope that you're able to lean into that. But the number one priority is just making sure that you're safe and that you are able to plan for the future should it change abruptly, should it change unexpectedly, and should it become a place that you without question have to leave, where staying is no longer a choice. If you take nothing else from this episode, I hope that you take this: that healing can begin before you leave. It can begin with one honest thought, one regulated breath, one safe person, one quiet plan, or one moment where you stop abandoning yourself and start choosing yourself. You may not be ready to leave, you may not know how to leave, you may not even know if leaving is what you want yet, but you are still allowed to come back to yourself, you're still allowed to protect your peace, you're still allowed to tell the truth to yourself, and you are still allowed to bloom even now, even while you're still figuring it out. And I hope that this episode allows you some space and some clarity around how you can begin to do just that. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great day.