The Power of Creation: Designing the Life You Live

In this episode of Happiness Revolution, we explore one of the most powerful truths about personal growth: the life we experience is often shaped by what we create every day. From our thoughts and beliefs to the choices we make and the stories we tell ourselves, everything has the power to build the reality we live in. Together, we’ll uncover how intentional creation can replace survival with purpose, fear with possibility, and doubt with hope. If you’re ready to stop living by default and start creating a life that reflects who you truly are, this conversation is where your next step begins. Because every revolution starts within—and every future is first created in the mind.

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to the first episode of the Happiness Revolution. My name is Dr. Sarah Spaur. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have a master's degree in happiness studies and also two doctorates focusing on different aspects of happiness and well-being. And I can get more into that another time, but I wanted to focus today on some tangible tools and things that can be helpful for you and what I've learned. My business, my my practice has gotten uh very busy, and I realize you know, a lot of it is there's certain things that people are not learning because maybe they're looking to social media or other people or they're they're just not questioning things or they're getting information from TV on how to be or or intergenerational patterns. But um I I have learned that you can you can actually learn how to be happy, you can teach yourself how to be happy, and you have to make it a priority and a and a choice. That being said, I'm not saying you know, let's say you you hate your job and you have miserable home problems and money issues and health issues and problems with your kids or friends or whatever. I'm not saying you know, be happy no matter what. I guess what I'm saying is that there can be different types of happiness. Um, so I wanted to kind of explore some questions, and there's gonna be um a series of different things, but more or less what I want to do is is share my knowledge with people so that um because I've I've gotten to the point where I I can't really take any more clients really. It's I'm I'm really booked, and so I wanted to be able to share my knowledge in a way that could get out to more people and help more people. Um, also a lot of people I know are struggling financially and struggling with time. So I wanted to be able to provide tools and and and help um for people that are not able to get help um for for those different barriers and reasons. Because even though you know, with virtual and telehealth therapy, there's people a lot better access, and there's a lot more, you know, access with insurance and QA mental health centers, um, there are still barriers uh with with time, with um readiness, you know, with if you have a computer or not, um, being able to pay for things, but I also just find that therapy is not equal across the board, and some individuals, some people have more tools and knowledge to share uh than others, and so you know, at the core of it, we we can learn to be happy, and I think that a lot of us have learned to be unhappy, um, but it's it's quite extraordinary, actually. I think about it, and um I have a huge range of clients, and I I've done I don't even know how many hours of of therapy or or uh mental health help at this point. I it's definitely over 20,000 hours. It might even be I don't even know. I've done a lot of of sessions at this point, and some common patterns I see is that people are looking to the outside stuff that if I get this certain thing, if I get that certain thing, then I'll be happy. If my life changes in these different ways, then I'll be happy. If you know XYZ, then I'll be happy. And there can be truth to it in the sense um, for example, I had this one client who went and um he he was convinced that if he got two cars, um if he was able to afford buying two cars at the same time, he would be happy. So he did that, which I did not recommend, but but uh they're two very nice cars. And was he happy? He was happy for like a day, a week, I don't know. I think it boosts his self-esteem. I know it boosts his self-esteem when he's driving and it boosts his confidence because of his association with what the car means or the cars. But is he actually happy? No, it didn't solve the the root issues, and that's because, in spite of ourselves, we're actually not. I think at our core, at the end of the day, we're actually not superficial. If we were superficial, then these things would be fulfilling. Um in Hinduism and I believe Buddhism as well, they they see the outer world as Maya, it's an illusion, you know, that everything's always changing. And it taking those things aside, you know, quantum physics also says it as well that things are illusory and that they can be always they can change, but I can tell you this I can't demean anyone who developed high levels of happiness and well-being from the outside stuff. Um, it works for like a little bit, and then it's on to the next thing, and there's something called the hedonistic treadmill, which is essentially this concept that we adapt to the things that um that we have. So, like let's say you thought um buying a house would make you happy. Well, I think it was great, it's wonderful in so many ways. Um, also a lot of stressors with it, but it there's a lot of wonderful things, and it can definitely boost your life up and make a lot of positive changes. However, the hedonistic treadmill will say you will adapt to that situation and that will become a norm, and then you'll find something else that you think you need to make you happy. So, what it means is that you're always running after that's why it's called the hedonistic treadmill, is because you're always going on after what you think will fix that that thing you're needing. Um, there's a type of therapy called logotherapy, which is I really uh like is very cool, came um from a Holocaust survivor, and it's a concept about purpose and that you can have happiness through purpose, and as long as you have purpose, you will be happy. And my understanding is that it came about from um the creator of it observing in the Holocaust camps that the the um the people that were helping in the camps, uh meaning other prisoners that were trying to help, did much better and were happier than the ones that just sat and stood in unhappiness and didn't help anyone else. So we're thinking, well, how in the world could they help anyone else, you know, when they're all prisoners in a camp? Well, my understanding from the example was that if it would be like if you had a piece of bread, so you give half your bread to someone else, or you see someone's cold, and even though you're cold too, you try to give something to try to help that person to be a little warmer, but it was having a purpose of trying to help others to feel better actually created happiness in the self-more happiness in the self. I'm not saying it was a ton of happiness, but having purpose is very important, and that can translate into actions, but it doesn't have to be that necessarily, it can also be a mindset. Um, like I remember I I had done some different I've done different retreats in my life, and there was one that was like so amazing. I was really blessed to go to um with uh Teknon Han, who who has passed away since. But um yeah, I just remember uh I think it was like I don't know, within like 50 feet of him or something. And for those of you that don't know who Tek Han is, Tik Not Han, he is a uh I I think of him as a famous Zen Buddhist monk. Um, but the more I talk about him, the more I realize oh he's not famous apparently to everyone. Um, but in my world he was famous and a big deal and um and an important uh teacher with mindfulness. And anyways, there was uh there was a retreat, and he led this one thing called walking meditation, which is when you walk very, very slowly and you're just very present and you try to be in the present moment, noticing everything around you, and it's really great practice, especially if you have an active mind or trauma. Um, you know, your your body has a hard time being still. I for me, happiness walking logging meditation is the best type of meditation um and the most effective for my experience um for getting results. Um, I mean there's other kinds too, but for me, I really really uh resonate with that. But anyways, I remember um there was it just felt like there was this embodiment of peace around him, and apparently he had been a very angry man in his 20s, and that was like I think during the Vietnam War War, I believe. And he decided he um wanted to be a monk and and spread peace, um, not war. So he decided, like I guess on some level, my understanding is he wanted, amongst I'm sure other things to be an embodiment of peace. And I'm not kidding you, I that's what you could feel around him. You could just feel this energy, this feeling of peace. It was extraordinary. And we're thinking, what an interesting, you know, way of living your life, you know. I and I got the impression that that was his purpose was to be an embodiment, a living embodiment of peace, and that results in a lot of other things. But my point is that your purpose doesn't have to be necessarily action-oriented, it can be that you want to be an embodiment of something positive. Um, in my practice, I use a lot of this. I reference a chart a lot of the time, and the chart has different levels. Uh, there's red zone at the bottom, um green zone, which is like more happy neutral, blue zone, which is like much higher, it's more like love and peace, serenity, those kinds of things, and then purple zone, which I call freedom emotions, and those that have things like uh vision and purpose on there, and um what I find is a lot of people seem to be mostly stuck in red, and when I say mostly, I mean more than 50% of the time, and that's a question I ask people a lot is you know, how much have you been in red? How much have you been in blue? Green, how do you how can you be more in green? And I bring this up to say that a lot of us don't realize it, but what I can tell you from my accumulation of therapy sessions, if I take it as sort of a large sample size of a study, um what I can tell you is a lot of people are basically living in red zone and they don't really know that they're there because it's the norm, and they've almost become like an embodiment of let's say anger or an embodiment of sadness or an embodiment of anxiety. What do I mean by embodiment of it? I mean, let's say that's the majority, vast majority of the time, that's what they're experiencing, and they don't know it. And um, you know, someone said, Oh, your purpose, based off what I see, it seems to be being the embodiment of anxiety. Well, it probably wouldn't feel great. So purpose is a huge part of happiness, um, it helps lift us up out of the small things. So let's say, for example, you and I authentic purpose, not one that you think you're supposed to be doing, but one that's like really authentic to you. So let's say, for example, you are in debt and having bad relationships, and your job, you know, your coworkers, your boss are awful, and let's say you're not healthy, and on and on. If you can focus on a big picture purpose of your goal, that can help you rise above whatever's going on to give you a solid anchor, and it has to do with looking into yourself. So if you make your goal, for example, to be the embodiment of I don't know, the embodiment of trust, trust in in something bigger than yourself, um, or the embodiment of detachment. You just want to, and when I say embodiment, I mean it's like you're intentionally practicing this and you're trying to experience as an internal state as much as you can. Well, that becomes the focus, that becomes the focal point, your anchor above and beyond all the small things. Because guess what? The small things keep changing, there's always stuff going on. Um, you know, like right now, I have all kinds of stuff going on then, but you know what? I've always had all kinds of stuff going on. I don't think there's ever been a time, maybe when I was like five, um, I don't think there's ever been a time there hasn't been a bunch of stuff, and it's always changing. That's the interesting thing. It's always changing and it always feels so big when you're in it, and then the next thing comes and the last thing goes away, and that and the next thing feels big. So instead of getting immersed from one thing to the next that comes down the line that we're upset about, what if we focus on what we want to experience? And you know, I it's fascinating because I and I blame our culture on this partly or just mainstream beliefs or whatever we've learned, or maybe it's just because of the way our biology is functioning, but this idea that okay, let's say you want to become the embodiment of I don't know, detachment. Well, if you think okay, I'm gonna do outside things to get this, isn't that like not gonna be that's not the way to do it, so or let's say you want to be the embodiment of of love, uh that's my favorite one. Um okay, well, if you have to obtain outside things in order to cultivate that inner state, you can try that, but that can in itself cause distress and stuff because we can't control and hold on to the outside things that much. There's a lot of things that are out of our control. So, with my example about let's say being the embodiment of love. If you wanted to be the embodiment of love, what could you do? So, some things you can do are cultivate um more loving thoughts, you can focus on memories or imagine things that you you love, you can try to give love. There's lots of different ways of giving love in the world. Um, and it's not that it's not so much about the outside thing. Um, for example, let's say you you volunteer and you you feel some sense of love from that or caring, and you might think, yeah, but that's an outside thing that caused that inner state. It's it's not exactly that. If you depend on the outside thing to create the inner state, that is where the problem lies. Versus, okay, what how can I empower myself to create this inner state? And maybe these outside things can support it, but these outside things are not the cause of it. My intention is the cause of it, and where you put your focus, so um, okay, so the reason I titled I went back and forth on the name of what I wanted to do, and I came up with a happiness revolution because I just see with my personal life and my um life with clients and just really all around this attachment to being happy in a way that is not creating happiness, and um, in fact, it just seems to be creating more and more unhappiness. So that's why I say revolution, because I think that a lot of the ideas of what I'm gonna say are gonna sound almost countercultural or counterintuitive, um, and going against the norm of what you might be accustomed to. And I'm not saying again that the outside stuff can't support you, I'm saying don't rely on it. Um, in terms of creating your inner state. I know that some people say happiness is a choice. I I think that can be too simplistic, though, in the sense that, like, let's say you've had terrible trauma and lots of bad things happen and you're living in survival mode, and you're just you know, every day is hard to get through, and or you're suicidal. I mean, saying happiness is a choice almost sounds very trite and uh can be insulting. So, what if we say instead wherever you are at, what if you try to make some sense of happiness a priority? Kind of like focus point instead of making all the outside stuff around us and trying to get that under control our focus point, what if you make your internal state or focus on happiness a priority? And you know, I also find that if you don't have a purpose, if you don't have a higher thing beside yourself that you're focused on, or yourself and your pet, um it's not good. The mind sort of turns on itself. We we need to have something higher that we're working towards, something bigger that matters to us. If it's being the embodiment of you know, happiness, if it's trying to help people with small acts of kindness every day, but we can empower ourselves um through a lot of different ways to cultivate a certain inner state. So, okay, lastly, I want to focus a little bit on, and I'm gonna talk about this more next time service. Um, I tell so many people, I tell like everyone to do some kind of volunteer thing. There's solid research that shows it increases self-esteem, self-worth, happiness, well-being, it gets you out of what is called um, it does cycle interruption, it gets you out of your loop with your thinking, it helps you think beyond your own small world, and you are doing something constructive for someone else, so and it adds meaning to your life. There's like so many good things, and most people won't do it. That's the thing, and most people will not volunteer, and maybe we'll even be offended by me bringing up volunteering because they think it takes away from me talking about us focusing on their suffering. Well, you can focus on your suffering all day long, but how much has that resulted in solutions? Sometimes we have to do constructive stuff to feel better. So, for example, this example, I don't know if it helps. Um, let's say you want to get in really good physical shape, you want to be strong. But I'm like, okay, well, you gotta do weightlifting and exercise and exercise for an hour a day. You're like, oh, I don't feel like it. That's not gonna help. I, you know, I just want to feel better. It's like, well, and then you start working out and you feel weak, you don't feel good. You don't start working out and exercising when you feel good. You usually do it when you feel bad. If you're out of shape and weak, it's gonna feel bad. You don't do it when you feel great. I mean, maybe hopefully you feel a little better than normal, but my point is don't start focusing on trying to help others or caring about someone besides yourself when you feel great. Do it now, and you will naturally start feeling better about yourself, and you will naturally start to have a better perspective on your life. But one of the greatest things I find um in my work is the incredible self-centeredness, honestly, and that's not true of everyone, but people are very attached to their pain and um and their idea of how life should be. And if we can just like for a little bit every day try to not focus so much on our pain, you know, even when in doubt, just offer some positive thoughts for the world. Try to imagine the whole world being happy for a minute. Um, something like that is good for you because if you just get down a rabbit hole thinking about the negative, you will be unhappy. Um, I've never met a self-centered person or someone who's leans more towards who has an imbalance of self-focus. I've never met one that's happy ever, because it's not it's actually against our nature. We are interconnected, so I just encourage you to question how you see happiness, question if your approach to happiness has worked so far and where you even got it, and lots of love, and I will uh see you next time. And I hope you have a very uh peaceful day. Oh, also, if you uh want to find out more about me, you can look up www. uh dot dr sarah spower dot com, and um uh there's a lot of resources there.