What Is 'Mental Load' and Why Is It Destroying Marriages?

This Love in Action: Episode 1 Show Notes

What Is "Mental Load" and Why Is It Destroying Marriages?

They almost didn't make it. Kevin and Raychel pull back the curtain on eight years together to get honest about the invisible workload, the "mother-son" dynamic, and the codependency that nearly broke their marriage before they built something real.

Summary

In their first episode, Kevin and Raychel reject the highlight-reel version of relationships shown on social media and reality TV in favor of an unfiltered look at what it actually takes to keep a marriage working. They break down "mental load," the constant, invisible mental tracking of a household's needs, and how it turned their dynamic into something closer to mother and son than two equal partners. It's a raw conversation about perfectionism, people-pleasing, shame, and the slow work of rebuilding trust after years of one partner carrying everything.

Key Takeaways

• Mental load is the invisible tax of running a household. It's not the tasks themselves, it's the constant background tracking of appointments, groceries, schedules, and deadlines that never turns off.
• Perfectionism can quietly sabotage shared projects. Raychel's need to control the podcast's execution turned a shared vision into a one-person burden, while Kevin's people-pleasing meant he never pushed back or contributed his own ideas.
• Naming the pattern is the hard part, not the fix. It took repeated, exhausting conversations (and real defensiveness from Kevin) before the "mother-son" dynamic was even acknowledged.
• Trust has to be rebuilt through consistency, not declarations. Raychel didn't trust Kevin's follow-through until he showed a track record, not just a single grand gesture.
• Codependency runs both directions. Raychel admits she chose a partner who needed her and reinforced that need, meaning the imbalance wasn't something that just happened to her.

Timestamps

• [00:00:00] Why they're finally doing this podcast, and why relationship content online is mostly fake
• [00:02:00] Eight years together, five married: how much they've each changed and what that means for staying together
• [00:04:00] The failed podcast attempt two years ago, and why trying again mattered
• [00:05:00] Raychel on stepping away from perfectionism and wanting the process to actually feel good
• [00:07:00] How perfectionism bled into the podcast itself, and Raychel "helicopter parenting" their creative process
• [00:08:00] Kevin's people-pleasing role, and how being a "yes man" fed the imbalance
• [00:09:00] Introducing the "mother-son" relationship dynamic
• [00:10:00] Defining mental load: the constant scanning and tracking no one sees
• [00:14:00] How Kevin actually learned to notice and take on tasks without being told
• [00:15:00] Why bringing up mental load over and over was exhausting for Raychel, and Kevin's defensiveness
• [00:19:00] Rebuilding trust after a history of dropped follow-through
• [00:20:00] Codependency as a two-way street: Raychel's own accountability
• [00:21:00] Closing thoughts and the invitation to follow along

Resources & Links 

• Instagram: @thisloveinaction 
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@ThisLoveInAction/featured

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Transcript

Kevin & Raychel 0:00

Hello, everybody. Welcome to This Love in Action, where Kevin and I peek behind the veil to give you a little bit more context about what real married life is like when you are two growth-focused, conscious individuals getting it wrong and then getting it right. Exactly. one of the things that we've talked about is just how important it is that one ever really talks about what happens behind the scenes of relationships. People only ever see what you present, and there's so much that goes into making a healthy relationship. And so we wanted to the curtain back and show a little bit of the good, the bad, and the ugly so that other people can actually see what goes into it um, in an effort to also be vulnerable ourselves. Yeah. Um, one of the things that Kevin and I have been talking about over the last years of our relationship has been that so much of what you see about relationships are based off of social media, which we know is fake, or reality TV, which we know is toxic- romance and, like, romantic comedies, which is highly idealized, sometimes borderline codependent, and, like, just, you know, to, to be romantic, they, they really steer things in a specific direction. And even the stuff that kind of, like, navigates a healthier line, finishes at the peak, and you never get to see what happens in the day-to-day as they're making their relationship work. as we've navigated our relationship, and we continue to have really intentional, honest conversations with each other and work at this literally every day, it occurs to us that like, wow, wouldn't it be great if we got to see a little bit more of couples that we relate to, that actually have the type of relationship that we want, and know what goes on for them? A lot of people have told us too that, um, that we're that couple for them. So, uh, you know, I don't wanna overly glamorize how hard it's been. We've gone through so many ups and downs, and we'll get into all of the specifics on that, by the way. We're, we're really- Yeah we, we are really getting into the knots in this. Absolutely. Um, there is Oh, man. It's also, like, we're coming up on eight years together Mm and a lot can happen over the course of eight years. I feel like we met when we a lot younger. Uh, I know speaking personally, I was significantly less mature, and it's been a big evolution to just see where our relationship is today versus where it was years ago, who we are as people. Like, we're different people. Even from when we got married five years ago, we're two different people than when we got married. And I think that's an important piece too is, is you don't just marry one person. You don't just date one person. You date the different evolutions of that person, where they are in their lives, things that are harder, easier, it's important to make space for all of that. Yeah. Well, I mean, es- I think especially for the two of us- Mm-hmm because we are so intentional about wanting to keep peeling back the layers and keep, uh, like forward and embodying more versions of ourselves, and, um, and it's been, it's been hard. It's been scary. It's been exhausting. There have been many situations where I didn't know if you and I were gonna make it. Mm-hmm. Um, and we're still here, still kicking. We, this, uh, this podcast idea has been... I mean, we, we recorded podcast episodes, like, two years ago. And, um, and we were, like, fighting the whole time and- It was, it was not a great experience. But again, it's just another lesson of, like, the evolution that we've gone through to be in this position to, to sit down and make it now, and also to keep going. 'Cause, like, the first time you try something doesn't mean it's always gonna go g- great. Yeah. Um, doesn't mean to no- doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. I also just wanna say, like, feel like I, I'm person- I know we're both in such different places, but I feel like I'm personally in such a different place because- Mm-hmm for so many years I was so attached to making things so perfect. like, while that benefited our lives in a lot of ways, it was just completely wringing me out, and I feel like my focus, o- especially over the last few months, has really been on stepping into a new way of feeling as I move through life. Like, if the goal, if attaining the goal doesn't feel good, then why am I s- why am I, like, literally wringing myself out to get to an end goal that I know I'm not gonna celebrate as much as I'm building it up in my head for? Mm-hmm. I'm just building for somebody else. And I feel like my mentality on this has been really different. Like, I want this to feel fun. want it to feel like, you know, like this is adding to our relationship, and I know we've had many discussions. Mm-hmm. You've been super vocal about wanting that as well. So yeah, it's just- Yeah, can you share some examples? Yeah, of, of- Is it, of like the things that you're working on and going through right now? 'Cause I feel like it's like the concept is there of slowing down, not being so perfect- Mm allowing, like listening to yourself more. think that tangible, like what's a, what's an example of something like that, that people can understand? Hmm. Gosh, we have so much- that I feel like we need to catch, catch everybody else up on. I know, how long do we have? I know. Um, s- but I mean, realistically, like I would get really fixated on a mission. would see a vision, and I'm like, I'm now understanding that I'm a master manifestor. You know? I just wanna call that out. Mm-hmm. And I also like hustle. I will, I will work myself to the bone, um, or I used to. I don't, I'm not really that way anymore, which is good. It's a different kind of work. But anyway, um, and I would continuously put a mission above my own needs. So for ex- uh, we'll use the podcast as an example. Like I knew that we were putting in the work. I knew that we were both showing up, and I had a sense that like, you know, like I'm really trying here. I know you're really trying here. We come from very different backgrounds. We have really important and deep conversations that not a lot of people have, and not a lot of people know how to have. And, and I, you know, so there, there was this sense of like there's something there. Like there's something there, especially for both of us that like really wanna use what we're learning the hard way to help life be a little less hard for some people. Mm-hmm. And so because I saw that vision, it was like everything, every part of it needed to be perfect. like I started kind of like helicopter parenting our, our interactions. Like there was a way that I thought it needed to be done professionally, I just started like, uh, just being not an easy person to deal with, I will say. And I know like, know, that shows up, that, or at least used to in a big way, showed up in our relationship in a handful of, of ways. But I think the podcast, because it was this shared creative vision that I was bringing to the world, and it was this idea that I had, and you were like associated with me, brought you along on my perfectionist journey. Mm. And yeah, um, like, you know, I'm learning. I'm learning. I, I don't think I'm that way not. No, no, no. So much has changed. So much has evolved, and I think there's also a fair point, too, of like I, you know, I appreciate you saying all that 'cause, like, there is that dynamic, but it takes two to tango. Um, I was not the easiest person to work with either. I think I have a tendency to people please, so I didn't bring any f- forward-thinking vision into the podcast. It was more of a, like, a yes man. Like, "Okay, what do you think we should do?" And it just put so much of the effort and work on you, and I think it fed into the dynamic of the perfectionism. But it was the same time, like, at any moment, I could have stepped up, added more, been more thoughtful with the planning, put together some other materials and plans that would have contributed to feeling more like a shared vision- Mm-hmm and not all on your plate, which is a big piece that contributed to a lot of the frustration of it all, too, 'cause I was walking on eggshells around the whole thing. And in that position, the whole purpose of this is to peel back the layers, have honest, raw conversations, speaking from a place of groundedness. Mm-hmm. and I certainly wasn't coming from that place, too, and that's been a journey that I've been through- Mm uh, quite a lot these past two years in particular. Yeah. Um, yeah. You really, like, you have shown up in a lot of ways. I mean, I know we're both still working through a lot of things, so I don't... I also wanna be mindful that, like, so much of these themes still show up in our relationship, and it's, like, almost a constant thing to have to catch yourself and de-identify with the person you used to be, and allow yourself to step into something new. But- Mm-hmm you have to, you have to catch those things. And so I think, like, one of the big dynamics, though, that you're, that I feel like we're both kind of touching on is, is what I think a lot of people are also dealing with, which is, like, a mother-son sort of relationship with their partner. And it is so unbelievably tricky and exhausting enter that place where one person kind of becomes the, like, we'll call it caretaker. Mm-hmm. And the other person gets to kind of assume the role of, I feel like saying child feels, a little harsh, but, like, i- you know, in the patterning that you play out, one person kind of gets to be a little less responsible, up and, like, be in the backseat of life. Mm-hmm. And I think it's so prevalent today, and I know at least a lot of the stuff we see on social media is, is addressing some of, like, the mental load. Mm. And primarily I think it's women that Mm hold that. And- Talk to me about mental load, cause I feel like a lot of people don't even really know what that is, and we've had- Lots- of conversations about that. We've had so many conversations. Boy, oh, boy, did I not realize what a manchild I was. Yeah. Um- Oh yeah. So mental load, like, if you've ever, you know, seen your partner where something minor happens and they seem to blow their cap off, it's not because that minor thing happened. It's because they're carrying the weight of all of the decisions- Mm that the household moves through. When is the next appointment? What's for dinner? What's going on the grocery list? When does the laundry need to get done? Is it folded? How long do we need to leave before we get to the right time? Hey, this is what's coming on the calendar. These are our children's games, appointments, doctors, teachers, the names. When is homework due? When is after-school sports? Like, all of those decisions take effort and energy to put into, and I think primarily that has, uh, been offloaded- To women, and maybe offload is the right, is the wrong word because they just like shit needs to get done, so they get done. And, um, so I think the mental load is, is, is the weight of all of those micro decisions and the responsibility- Mm associated with that, that you don't really ever get to turn off. Mm. And I think that's a big thing. If you don't ever get to turn... Like, okay, how many people do you know where it's like the guy plays video games for like an hour or two with his friends? It's just a little decompression moment. Great. There's nothing wrong with that inherently. But if you're doing that while your partner is continuing to drive your lives forward and doesn't ever get that off switch, those two hours to turn off, if your partner never gets those opportunities to turn off, um, it adds up, and resentment builds too. Mm-hmm. Because you're just like, "I have to do everything. Why don't they do something? I just asked you to take the chicken out of the freezer and thaw it, and you just couldn't even do that." And- And then it becomes like, I'll just do it myself" mentality, which is, like, the beginning of the end in, in a lot of... N- not the end of the relationship necessarily, but, like, it's so energetically taxing- Mm to be in that space. And I think everything that you said is spot on, and I'll also add, like, it's the noticing of things that need to get done. Mm. It's like- a constant scanning of like, "Okay, how long has it been since our last dentist appointment?" Or like, "Oh, we just ran out of this... We, we, we ran out of broccoli. Like, that needs to go on, on the grocery list." And I... Even just these small things going on in your head simultaneously, it's like having 100 tabs open on your computer and then wondering why that one tab finally crashes your laptop. And I feel like for... Like, to be in a relationship with someone is to find out how to share of the, like, the physical tasks, but also sharing, like, the energetic, emotional drains as well. Cause if, if, you know, 80% of your energy is spent on trying to keep life at some rhythm- Mm-hmm then of course you, like, spending a couple extra hours working and then having to make dinner just, like, completely depleting your battery. And there's, you know, really no way to properly fill that back up without deep investment of your own time and, like, prioritizing yourself. And in order to do that, you have to feel like the things that are continuing to happen in life can be taken on by someone else, and you not have to worry about it anymore. And that's where the partner comes in, is sharing the mental load, coming in and just having that faith of like, "Oh, yeah, no, I got this." So how did you, how did you learn to take on mental load? 'Cause the other thing I wanna mention is, like, there is this period of time where when someone else is taking it on who has previously let you down, like, there is a trust that needs to be rebuilt. So yeah, I'm curious how you- Mm how you see- Hmm the mental load being reabsorbed. It's been a process, for sure. Like, I think there's first the introduction to, like, the idea of the mental load. 'Cause, like, we were in sort of the mental... Or excuse me, the m- mother-child dynamic. And so- It started from many fights. I'm gonna be more clear here and say that I brought it to you. I think, okay, yes, you did. Uh, 100%. Yeah. times, again and again, because it was something... And, and then there was also shame associated with it. Mm-hmm. And that's a big component of, you would bring it to me, and I would feel inadequate, like as if what I'm doing isn't enough, even though I'm doing things in other areas. So there's this defensiveness that comes first like, "Well, what are you talking about? I'm doing X, Y, and Z over here." Mm-hmm. Um, so I think the shame is a big component, too. But I think you brought it to me many times, and- There was, what, what I didn't realize, which is interesting to say this out loud, was how much effort it took to- To bring it up? No, to S- train myself to notice things and to do things more in practice. Like, am I looking at what our calendar is showing up? Am I looking at what's in our notes doc where we have shared tasks and shared things that we've already talked about doing? And this is even before it's gets to the point of adding those tasks proactively. Um, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just go ahead and say that it was very energetically taxing to bring up- Mm because to carry that much mental load and to also notice what's going on in the dynamic, and then to bring it to you only to have you be quite defensive- Mm-hmm was really exhausting. And, I mean, as you mentioned, it took a really long time, and so you're talking about all these lists and things like that. It's like, who set up the lists? Mm-hmm. Who was maintaining the lists? Who had to tell you, like, "Hey, check these lists." Like, "Here's the way, here's the way you can start taking them on, taking things on," you know? And so, like, I hear you that, like, it was taxing for you because it's something that you had never ha- had to do before. No- that's something that you had never done before, and also, i- it... One thing that I wanna mention is that, like, if you're in that m- like, mother-son or even dad-daughter relationship, I assume that there's probably some people, or, or, um, you know, um, in any other relationship dynamic that kind of mirrors this uneven balance of, responsibility- Caretaker and being cared for um, there... at least for, for us, there was a need for me to almost lean in harder to the mothering that way you could learn, and you expected affirmation- Oh and encouragement and gratitude- for all of the things, and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, you opened up the notes doc And, you know- Boy, did I want that. That's a whole 'nother thing. Y- oh my God, did I want reassurance- Yeah um, of doing two or three things, and not only would I want the reassurance, but I would, like, bring them to you with this, like, "Look what I did." You're like, "I checked off notes." And you're like, "That's the baseline for just being a partner in a relationship," and honestly, not even quite the baseline. You're making progress, but you're still not there. Yeah. So it's, it's a... Going back to what you shared earlier is, like, there's that lack of trust that exists. Mm-hmm. And so there's a period of time where I was stepping up and doing more, and you still didn't trust me to con- maintain it 'cause I w- I wasn't showing a history of maintaining that. And also- So you still had to, like- every time you would do stuff, you would want encouragement, and if I didn't have the energy to give you the encouragement, which, like- You know, honestly, like- Mm-hmm I don't blame myself for not having the energy for all of that. One more thing- Exactly that you had to do- Mm-hmm and show up perfectly and say it in the way that made me feel good- Mm-hmm was not great. Right. And yeah. Uh, but I also wanna acknowledge, like, we were both playing into that, right? Like, I had learned that it was safer to control. I mean, going back to where we started this conversation, it was safer to control. trust issues started long before you. you know, you, you start to realize, like, it, it... You know, if you're really doing the work on yourself, you're like, "Everything is a mirror." Mm-hmm. And, you know, we'll talk about this in a, in probably a thousand other podcast episodes, but, like, there was so much embedded codependency that, like, you needing me was actually part of that cycle. It wasn't just that you, you know, hadn't figured these things out and you felt like me expressing my needs was part of it. Like, I also wanna take accountability and say that, like, I chose you because you were someone who might need me, you know? Mm-hmm. And, and I enabled that behavior. And I, so it, like, it's been an evolution for both of us. And, um, just wanna acknowledge that, like, if you're in a situation like this and you h- are experiencing this sort of dynamic with your partner, doesn't have to be, uh, like, the end. Like, there is a possibility to, to move things forward, but it, it really does require a, um, a true investment from both people- Mm-hmm to look at their own stuff and stop pointing the finger at the other person- Mm-hmm which we still do a lot of, just to be clear. Yeah. Like, that's not... We're not perfect. We're not perfect on this. Um, it, sometimes you have to, like, point directly at the mirror and you're like, "Who are you? Oh, that's, that's..." Okay. You're the one sabotaging my life- I know and it's just the mirror. Mm-hmm. Um... yeah. I mean, like, it's, um, it's quite a journey. But yeah, we'll get into this and so much more. I feel like we've covered a good amount in our first episode- Mm-hmm as we dabble into this space. But if you enjoyed what you heard and you wanna follow along for our journey, if you have any topics that you want us to cover, please feel free to like, subscribe, add a comment, follow us on social media. Um, we also host a monthly mystery date night where we take each other to a place we've never been. So lots of fun things coming up on our pages, and we will see you next time.