How We Stopped Turning Fights Into a Competition to Win

Kevin and Raychel trace their worst recurring fight back to its actual mechanism: Kevin's habit of swallowing small frustrations until they only surfaced when Raychel was raising her concerns. She would bring one issue up and would be met with Kevin unloading a backlog of his own. They name the belief underneath it (naming frustration equals abandonment), the rule that broke the cycle, and the individual work each of them now does to separate an old wound from a present-day irritation before bringing it to the other person. 

Key Takeaways:

• Why withholding a frustration doesn't neutralize it
• How bringing up a problem is not the same act as keeping score
• Why your partner might get defensive when you raise issues
• What you can do before a conversation to influence the outcome
• Why a genuinely thoughtful gesture at the wrong time might not land

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Transcript

Kevin 0:00

hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of This Love in Action, where Raychel and I peel back the veil behind our relationship, where we talk about all of the nitty-gritty details of what actually goes into a relationship, not just the care about each other, love, love each other, love is enough. It's, it's like, what are practical, real-life examples that have happened in our relationship? What are real things that we're working through that we'd like to put out in the open in an effort to get to know each other better, but also just share what's going on in our lives and our relationship and what we've been through, in hopes that it can help other people navigate their lives, their relationships, and, and get more connected. Yeah. I think so much of our lived experience is the relationships that we have, and the relationships are only as deep as we feel comfortable navigating harder, more complex discussions. And I think for a lot of people, they shy away from ever having these types of discussions, 'cause they never learned how. Yeah, I- I was thinking of you. Um Me. So, okay, Kevin, when we first started dating... Actually, when we first met, before we even started dating, we were in completely different places. Like, we had both done a little bit of work on ourselves. Mm-hmm. But I had, I had deeply invested in my healing journey for many years, and I also... I went to therapy as a child. I, you know... There were a lot of things that, um, that allowed me to find my voice, my emotional vocabulary, and on top of all of the, the, the deliberate actions that- Mm-hmm I sought out as I got older to really hone that craft. Um, but for you, w- you wanna speak a little bit about your journey? Yeah. I think w- I never saw anyone sharing anything, really, besides anger. Um, we didn't, you know, tell each other we loved each other. There wasn't, like, hugging. There wasn't a lot of that reassurance. There wasn't an argument and then resolution that happened afterwards. It was just everything got swept under the rug, and so I learned through that a lot of avoidance. Of, if I just pretend like it's not there, it'll go away. And It's not necessarily a wonder why I didn't date anyone before you because it requires emotional vulnerability, which I didn't have at that point. And it's been, yeah, a big journey to, to lean into what it actually means to talk about the challenging things, to rock the boat, so to speak, and have trust that that's actually the best thing. Because whether you talk about it or not, it's still there. It's still having an impact. It's creating distance whether you want it to or not And I certainly learned this from you and y- your method of let's talk about everything all the time as soon as it comes up. Um, and yeah. It's interesting when, you know, when we hear from people and they're like, "Oh yeah, I never fight with my partner," or like, you know, "Everything is good over here." And, you know, it, it may be true for some people, and sometimes when we talk about our problems and or like we're, we're more vocal with people, they might have a judgment like, "Wow, you guys have a lot of problems." And again, that may be true, but I also feel like there are truths within us that we're w- willing to bring to the table that a lot of people stuff down- Mm-hmm and act like are not there for them. And I feel like our relationship blossoms the more we take vulnerable leaps to really bring each other in and be on the same page. Like, early in our relationship, and, and I feel like my mantra about relationships is just like it is so infinitely complicated inside of my own brain and body all the time, brain, body, spirit, soul, all of it, all the time, and then you add another person into the mix. And we act like it's always gonna be easy and glamorous. It's like we're responding to each other, we're co-regulating. Like, we're essentially sharing a nervous system just by spending so much time looking in each other's eyes and being in each other's space. And then there's all the energetic space, and especially as a highly sensitive person, um, which I no longer see as a, a negative thing. Like I s- it's a superpower. Like, I'm intuitive beyond all measure. Like, it's almost like I could see through walls, but I, like, can see people- Mm-hmm which they don't always like. Um, Yeah. But, you know, especially as a highly sensitive person, it's like I'll walk into a room of like a handful of people who are not really expressing their emotions, and I can feel the static tension around them, and it's almost like they've webbed themselves into a world of not being willing to step outside the lines of who they think they need to be. And I think for a long time that was kind of our dynamic too. I had a very deep-seated belief that if I expressed any frustration or things that I was upset about or things that I didn't like to you when times were good- That would lead to a disruption in the relationship, probably lead to a fight, and, uh, if you follow the thread all the way down, the belief was that you would leave me. Mm-hmm. And so if I don't share those things, I swallow them, things are good, don't rock the boat. And what I didn't realize for many years, even despite you trying to share with me and tell me, was that I still felt those things, and it would be playing on my mind sometimes on repeat, sometimes not very much, but it would create distance between you and me, and you could feel that distance, and then you'd be like, "What's happening? What's wrong?" And then it was left to your imagination to think The worst-case scenario. Worst-case scenario. Can you give me... Do you, do you have, like, an example? Just 'cause I feel like probably a lot of people go through this, and a lot of people are, like, stuck in their own minds, and y- it, it may be more abstract. So yeah, I'm curious. Hmm. I mean, even simple things like The dishes. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm a little... I'm like a Virgo and like to organize things, and I have a perfect way to load the dishwasher. Sometimes you would- You do? We'll have to re- we'll have to reassess that. I'm not... I've loosened up, but this is just an example. Oh. And it would be like move things around, and it would just sort of like, eh, but I would never speak that. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I was like, "Oh, well, it's fine. I'll just not speak it." And that's not necessarily the best example, but it's little things like that where it's just like you have a particular way of something that you like, but if you never voice it, if you never share it, it... Like these little death by a thousand cuts. Like one time doesn't really cause an issue, but if you notice it many, many, many times, there's there. And I, I don't feel that about the dishes at all anymore. But, um... Or like you would, you would say something to me, and it would, it, it didn't land well, and I would get a little bit upset, um, and I would keep it to myself and not share it with you, that something you said made me frustrated. And I would- And so how will you withhold? Like what happens then? I would think about it on my own time, and I would play little arguments in my head. Mm. Just like, "Oh, this is super frustrating," and like this and this, and play out those arguments by myself. But with you, around you, I would push it off to the side. And I think ultimately what that led to was just not fully acting, but like Going a little bit more above what I was actually feeling to compensate for those feelings. To be like, "No, things are great." Mm. "Things are good." And you could feel that. Hm. You could feel the, I, the word you use a lot is inauthenticity, where there's... I'm saying the right words, I'm doing the right actions, but there's something underneath that's not conveying the energy- Mm of care, groundedness, love, wanting to share that with you. 'Cause there's this little piece that I'm holding on over here that I don't want to share because I believed that if I shared that, it would cause a fight, and things were good, and I don't wanna cause fights, 'cause all I did see growing up was fights, and no one resolved anything, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. It's interesting, though, because, you know, there were, there was a period of time where, like, a lot of fights were actually, like, like, there was a lot of anger that was kind of leaching out. Mm. Um, and so, you know, it's like, it's, it's interesting because there's, there's this like, there's this saying or a situation where they talk about how, like, if you squeeze an orange, you don't expect for like, you know- Apple juice apple juice to come out, because, like, whatever is going on inside of you is what leaks out. And so there were all of these, like, little violations that were going on, and then all it took was just A small misunderstanding or like, you know, us to not be on our, in our best mood and, and then the anger would kind of Mm-hmm. I think a big thing too is you would bring something up to me that you were annoyed at or frustrated with and wanna talk it through. And The way it translated to me was like, "Oh, you, you're upset about this? Well, what about all these things that I was... I've been such a dutiful and good person that I just ignored them and didn't care about them." Mm. "But now when you bring up your thing, oh, we're talking about this?" And I would suck the air out of the room. I hated that. And that was- That was the worst probably one of our worst patterns, for sure. I feel like that is... it's not that uncommon where, like, when, you know, where someone will bring something forward, have the courage just to point out something that's, that hurts, and then it's almost like, okay, well, cool. Now, now the platform is open. I feel attacked, so now I'm gonna defend with, like, this inventory that I've been keeping of all of the ways I've felt wronged by you. Mm-hmm. And I, like, I, you know, I, I, I really, it's, it was such a challenging and toxic cycle because neither of us felt heard. And in order for us to move forward, there was self-sabotage that I ended up performing in where, like, I would bring something to you. I would share what was going on to want to talk it through. Then you would be like, "Well, hold, hold my beer." Like, I have, I have stuff. Like I got a scroll back here that I've been carrying around. Let me, let me roll that one out. Uh- Excuse me, trumpets. Um item number one. This is gonna be a while. Um, and you ex- you know, there was an expectation that, like, I now show up for you, and, like, to be fair, both of what we were saying needed to be addressed, right? Like, there needed to be some level of discussion or work to be done. I think some of it pro- we probably could have done on our own, but we weren't in that place at that point. Mm-hmm. But it just, there's no... You can't, like, hear each other. You can't see each other. Like, then it just becomes my word versus yours, and what could have been, like, a bid for connection to be like, "Hey, I'm bringing this to you because I wanna repair." Mm-hmm. "I'm bringing this to you because I'm invested in, in the health of our relationship, and I know that if I don't bring it to you, I'm gonna be ruminating on it and, and basically do exactly what you were doing," which is, like, holding onto it, either performing around it or trying to get myself to forget it. But, like, it's still sitting there. Mm-hmm. And you said something so important, is that you were bringing it up- to help us get closer. And it, that's like the reason behind it. Whereas every single time I was reading it as you were bringing it up as like a, an attack on my character, as an point of evidence as to why I'm not a good partner. And so I would have to fight to the death against that. Meanwhile, I was just missing the whole point where like I'm, I'm actually doing this because I care and because I love you. If I didn't, I would be fine to just let it go and move on. Um, and it took me, unfortunately, a very long time to recognize that truth there. I, I, I want to ask some questions about you recognizing that. Yeah. But I also... My mind is going in a couple different directions. Hello, neurodivergence. Which path? So before I forget, I, I just wanna say that one of our big workarounds to establish a different type of dynamic is actually, like, something that we implemented recently, which is a rule that if one of us brings something forward, then the whole conversation is about whatever the topic is that's brought forward, and it's not the time for the other person to then air out their grievances. If there's more that needs to get aired out, then there needs to be another separate discussion in the future about that thing. But, like, the reason why I bring this up is that I just feel like it gets so quickly convoluted- Mm-hmm where, like, there's so many feelings associated, and it's like you and I have... We're totally different people. We could experience the exact same thing. We have two different, very valid irritations with each other and with the situation, and maybe both of them deserve to be heard. But, like, if the whole time I can't hear you and I'm like, "Nah, what do you mean?" Mm-hmm. We can't actually repair the trust and the, the need that you have. Mm-hmm. Like, and I also don't get what I'm looking for, so I just wanted to, to plug that. Yeah. It's been hugely beneficial. And I think paired that, with that too is the amount of pre-work that you and I do now, which is- exploring ourselves, where does the irritation really come from? And so what I have realized, and honestly this is, like, the past month, if not months, but it's, it's a- certainly a recent development, which is it's experiences that I've had in the past, but now they're much closer together and I'm doing them by myself. But it's like in when I... The first experiences I had would be, like, in therapy, where you're talking about an irritation and you follow the thread all the way down and you realize that you're actually just mad at your parents- For something that you felt like you should have gotten that you didn't get. Mm. And it's different for everyone, it manifests differently for everyone, but there's a lot there that you're really just mad at your parents. Those, those core... And it can be, it doesn't have to be parents, but, like, those core wounds when your brain is still developing and you're figuring out how the world works are literally embedded in how your brain processes the world around you. So the idea that we would be wounded and that those, like that, um, the mental patterning would be built around these tiny or large fractures. It doesn't even have to be, like, big T trauma. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, your whole understanding of how relationships work, of your value in, in this space, of how you receive affection, of, you know, like, how you relate to other people. Like, there's just so many implicit things that we develop when we're young. So yeah, of course, like, again, this is not, like, a blame game on our parents. There's so m- there's so much that's getting mirrored back to us, but when people, like, a- act like your developmental years when your brain is literally forming for the first time- like, that's not gonna have an impact on how you experience the world around you is, like, you're missing a whole- It impacts everyone. Right. And it's not until you actually do the work to unpack those things that you actually break free from those things. And it's also like, okay, you realize it once, huge breakthrough. doesn't fix the belief underneath. Like, it takes revisiting again and again and again, and that's been really amazing where it's like I've, I've felt myself mad at you, and then I will go by myself and explore it and feel it. And ultimately, the anger at you s- just fizzles out as a byproduct of- Me being amazing you being- so amazing. And so amazing. So perfect. And just, like, an all-around amazing partner. Oh. Like, there's nothing that you do that's wrong. It's, ugh. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. Okay, but really, though, don't say it too sarcastically 'cause I know you are. I am very lucky. That's wholeheartedly genuine. Um, but yeah, it, it's been amazing to, to go through that experience and just, like, tackle some of these core beliefs and just recognizing a couple outcomes of that. One, I get to talk to you from a much different place, grounded place. You get to see more of me, which is what you were wanting from the whole time. Mm-hmm. Of just like, "What's going on in that head and body of yours, Kevin? Just, I wanna know, otherwise I have to make it up." Mm-hmm. And two, there's such an empowerment of, like- No one can really make you feel anything Hmm What they do you're just reacting to, but ultimately I get to decide, and it's so rich to feel that It's interesting that you called it empowering though 'cause I feel like a lot of the reason why people don't take that accountability back for themselves is because m- it's, it feels easier to just blame other people 100% Cause if, if I can just blame you, then all of my ailments and everything that I don't like is actually not a thing I can control, and if only you could change your behavior, then I could feel happy. And, m- just so I'm saying it, like, there are very toxic situations that, like, you know, some people do need to get out of in order to actually step into who they're meant to be. But even in those situations, there's, um, there's an ability to be able to see what's getting mirrored back at you and the patterns in your life that have continued to play out. And, you know, when I think about the benefits of doing the deeper work, you know, especially when people are like, "That's super scary. Oh, my gosh, what am I gonna find?" And it's like, what you'll find is that 100% of the uncomfortable patterns that you hate in your life can actually move forward. You can complete those cycles and start bringing in new positive realities into your world that are not based off of your wounding. You know, like, it's, it's fascinating to me that some people avoid this work because to me I'm like, you are literally pouring salt in your wound every day in small and big ways because of your refusal to look at the deeper wound. And so, like, going deep into that crevice will probab- like, it's like pulling out a shard of glass. Like, yeah, it's gonna hurt when you do it, but, like, you're already hurting because of it How long do you wanna hurt? Yeah 'Cause you can hurt for your whole life or you can... Like, don't get me wrong. Like, in some of these experiences I am, like, wailing- Mm-hmm and crying and feeling deep sadness and deep pain and, like, crying from a really raw place. Mm-hmm. But that experience when you get there lasts Five, 10 minutes max. Because your body just gets it out, and then there's this profound relaxation that comes as a result- Mm of just letting it be seen, letting that pain be seen, letting the version of you that felt like you weren't loved in s- some way, shape, or form be honored in that, have a great cry, uh, or whatever the outlet is for you. Some of it, for me, was beating the living crap out of pillows until I was so exhausted, and honestly, it's, like, 90 seconds of that and you're winded on the bed. No pillows were harmed in the making of this podcast. Um, and once you get that energy out, that's when you s- you, you get so much clarity. Mm. Because you're, you're... it's not about anything else. It was about this thing that you've been holding onto for so long. But it only lasts a few minutes. Mm. And then there's relief like you wouldn't believe on the other end, and profound love for you, my partner, and seeing you in a different way, and not blaming you anymore for whatever pain I was blaming you, and I get to see you as you without this other lens on, clouding whatever version I was making up in my head of you being a bad guy in some way. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. It's, um, it's a huge journey, and I'm... Like, getting to watch your evolution over the last eight years has been pretty remarkable. You know, I, I know I've been quite patient. I know we've talked about that before, and we'll talk about some of the early days and, and our earlier years at some point. But I, like, I wanna, you know, I wanna ask, like, to go from where you were to where you are now, how do you think you got more comfortable with talking things out, like, with expressing yourself? You know? Like, I'm sure we'll probably need multiple podcasts on this, but yeah. What, what comes up for you? Uh, the one thing that's very clear is I want to be with you. That is what I want. And a requirement for that is to talk things through, otherwise things don't feel good for us. And so your relentless pursuit of, like, we need to have everything on the table and talk it through. We need to make su- your, your sensitivity in terms of recognizing when things feel off, when energy feels off, your, your radar is very fine-tuned, and for a long time it was annoying. It's annoying for me too, by the way. Um, but never annoying in, like, a bad way. It's like when someone points something out that you know is true, it's annoying sometimes, but you're like, at the end of the day you're like, "Okay, there's truth to that." Mm-hmm. Um, so I would say that's really the main catalyst of, of... The requirement to continue to be with you was to figure out how to do this, or things would continue to be bad and we wouldn't stay together. So because my goal is- To love you and be your partner, the, y- the way you get there. I mean, there's a lot of different ways I could take many episodes to talk through. Mm. Happy to do that. But for now, I think that's the core piece of it, is you were a main driver in a lot of that certainly. Mm-hmm. Well, thank you for sharing that. And I guess just kind of coming from this from the angle of, like, there were deliberate decisions that you made. I mean, uh, when you call me a main driver, I feel like I was also driving and being like, "Come on, we gotta do this. We gotta do this." And, and again, we had many tense conversations and arguments over the years to get to this point. But ultimately, it was a decision that you made about who you wanted to be. Mm-hmm. And I feel like when you say that it was because you want to be with me, it was like, like, my interpretation of that is just that you've, you decided that to be the person that you want to be in this relationship- Yeah, there's a, there's a version of me that I need to be in order for this relationship to be healthy and happy moving. And I chose to find a way to step into that guy, and I made many mistakes along the way, and it took a long time. And I tried what I would like to say is everything, but I tried the same three things 400,000 times, and they didn't work. What were those three things? Ugh. The weird thing is that I don't even know, man. I could tell them. I, I feel like you know. I know. You, uh... Rip them off. Let's, let's go. Let's hear it. Okay. Well, it's, you know, first of all I really appreciate you saying that it was the same three things, 'cause I mean, and, and- But it feels in the moment like I'm doing everything. It's like, 'cause I, I'm trying and I'm so uncomfortable, and there's like, "Ah." Mm-hmm. But like, when you zoom out, yeah. Yeah. The same three things. Well, yeah. I mean, so I also wanna mention that like there was a, a real pattern of avoidance and insecure attachment in our partnership, and it's still something that we're working through. But I would say that we're definitely more on the secure attachment side- Mm-hmm than we've ever been. Um, with, with hiccups here and there as situations come up. But, um, one of the, one of the things that comes up as you say that was that you used to like get really over-committed. Like we would have an argument, and a lot of things would come up, and you would kind of like make this list for how you were gonna be... Like, who you were gonna be next, right? And like, I think we've all done that. It's like in some way, shape, or form. It's like you gain a lot of weight or something like that, and you like t- the next day you've like written up your meal plan and your workout routine, and like you've over-committed in 1,000 ways. Change my whole life at once. Exactly. Exactly. Uh, but I feel like with you, you would start to use the list as an avoidance tactic, because there was this understanding implicitly. I don't think that this was like explicit or even like, yeah, I, I don't think that this was a conscious decision by you. But you would start to do the things that you thought would bring us closer, but they actually wedged more space between us, because you... Like let's say it was like, okay, you, y- too many of the responsibilities were being taken on by me. And so you were like, "Okay, cool. I'm gonna take on all the responsibilities." And so rather than like coming back and having conversations with me about, "Hey," like, "here's what I'm thinking of gett- of taking care of. I know you've got this over here. I'm gonna take care of this," you would go out and like do 15 things, some of which I had already done. And then it would just kind of be like, "Oh, okay. Well, he's not seeing that I typically do this. There's not communication." Like, "I haven't seen him in three days Like he, uh, hasn't checked in with me." And then you're coming back, and you're like, "Oh, what do you mean?" Like- I'm like, "I did so much stuff. Your, your issue was I wasn't doing stuff, and look at all this stuff that I just did." And then you'd be mad, and I'd be like, "I'm... I don't know what to do." It's just- "I'm doing everything" this incredible thing called nuance that I feel like would sometimes- What's that mean? It, it, it was... It just... There was nuance to the discussion, but I actually feel like more than the nuance to it, it was just like- kind of a people-pleasing tendency. It was like, okay, cool, you told me the five things. Like, I remember very explicitly. We had- Oh, gosh. Is... Okay. Sure, sure. I'm gonna go- I, I don't know where you're going with this, but- We had some argument- we'll find out about, we were in, we were in the throes of it for a while because we didn't have a lot of romance in our relationship. Mm-hmm. Um, and that deserves so many more conversations- 'cause it was... Like, I feel like everything that we've had major arguments over the years about, like, n- needs to get, we need to air it out, 'cause there's been so many learnings. But- Buckle up. We, we did not have a lot of romance in our relationship. I, I brought it early in our relationship, but then it wasn't... I didn't feel matched. Um, you didn't have a lot of experience in relationships. And, and we just- None we moved, we moved so, yeah, we moved so quickly in, into moving in together, and there was never really dating. And so, yeah, we kind of sped through that honeymoon phase and went quickly to, like, roommates, and that was deeply unfulfilling for me. Like, I loved you. I love you. Don't, not just- in the past tense. I, I do love you. But, like, back, you know, so- Yeah, yeah, yeah there was love there. There was attraction there. And also, there was, like, I was like, "This is the one thing that, like, I can't get from anybody else." Mm-hmm. You know? Like, we're in a monogamous relationship. Like, there's, you know, there's a thing here. And, um, I remember for years this would be an argument, but there was one particular argument where I brought up, like, wanting to do new things and, like, wanting to feel, um, like, you know, wanting to feel like you wanted to take me out and whatever. And by the way, in case you're wondering, yes, Mystery Date was formed from the traumas. So- there, there is always a, a deeper backstory to what you see, and, and it's good. It, like, I love Mystery Date, by the way. We've been doing it for years now. Mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, and I remember at some point you being like, "What do you mean? I looked up a glassblowing class," and us just- Oh my God, it was on the stairs- We were on the stairs right over there. I remember exactly. Like, right through this wall on our stairs. I felt like I had, like, the trump card th- to play. Yeah, I hate that that's, like- Oh, I won't use- a phrase. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, but anyway, you, you, you, you would not let go of this glassblowing class. Like, it was, like- Ace in the hole I don't think you understand. I found not... I didn't book a glassblowing class. I didn't, I put it on the calendars. I looked one up and put it in a note stock for me to revisit later. You- If that's not romance, I don't know what is. Well, you know what made it even more romantic? Is screaming at me and crying about how you booked a glassblowing, blowing class, and I was not acknowledging how deep your romance was. And I'm so glad we can laugh about it now. 'Cause that was not, that was not a good, a, a good night for us. No. But at the time- No, it wasn't I mean, like, at the time for you, it was like, it was, you know, you'd never done anything like that before You still haven't blown glass as far as I know. Still in the notes dock. We've done plenty of other things, so that's okay. Um, oh my goodness. But that was also just like, again, as with everything, it's the delivery. Like, we were in the middle of an argument, and on its own had I, like, come to you and been like, "Hey, I was thinking about doing something nice and fun, and I found this glassblowing class. I- I picked this date." Like, it could have been romantic in and of itself. Again, again, it's the delivery and how you think about it. In the middle of an argument while you're mad at me for not being romantic, it's not a good time to be like, "But what about this plan that I never made, that I never talked to you about, that's actually not inherently romantic in and of itself?" What about that? Why can't you see how hard I try? I'm a damn good catch. You, you are. You absolutely are. But I mean, like, it was just... We were... Yeah, we were in this cycle of, you know- Yeah, if that doesn't paint a picture, I don't know what will. Yeah. It was, it was... But yeah, I mean, like, to go from, from that to where we are now has been- Mm-hmm quite a journey. It's well, I'm sure that there's a lot more we could say on this topic- Mm and on many others, as we will. Mm-hmm. Um, but if you liked what you heard and you wanna follow along with us as we navigate the ins and outs of our relationship in an honest and sincere way, and explore some of the conversations that I don't think enough couples have, especially not in public, please feel free to like and subscribe and send to your friends or your partners if something resonated. And, um, and we'll keep this going. And if there are comments or questions or topics that you want us to cover, if you wanna get either of our perspectives on things, feel free to leave a note in the comments, and we will address those in future videos. Thanks so much.