This Love In Action

What Nobody Taught Men About a Woman's Cycle

• Kevin & Raychel • Episode 4

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Hormones influence half the population, and yet most of us were taught more about condoms than about what actually happens inside a woman's body every month.

That gap doesn't just cost women information. It costs relationships. When hormones go unspoken and unsupported, partners are left guessing, dismissing, or checking out at exactly the moments connection matters most.

In this episode, Raychel and Kevin get honest about hormones: what they actually feel like, why they've been left out of the conversation for so long, and what it looks like when a partner actually shows up for something that's usually carried alone.

This one's for both of you.


SPEAKER_01

Welcome to This Love in Action. My name is Rachel.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm Kevin.

SPEAKER_01

And This Love in Action is a podcast we put together to peel behind the veil of what a successful connected marriage looks like, to have all the real conversations that we have behind the scenes in front of the camera. So that way we can share them with you all. So for today's conversation, we want to talk about something that is not discussed enough in our society, which is hormones. Hormones and how they impact relationships. And like my my felt sense on this, and you know, when we're talking about hormones, I'm primarily focused on women's hormones.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

But one of the major things that that came through for me over the last few weeks was this understanding that when we're in sex education as kids, you learn how to put a condom on a banana and you learn about birth control and you learn about herpes and all these all these things, you know what you don't learn about women's cycle. You don't learn about the many phases of menstruation, and yet it impacts 50% of the population and influences everything. And so to me, especially as a woman, that is so deeply confusing because I didn't even learn what a luteal phase was until I was, you know, in my second or third decade on this planet, and how lonely and isolating it is to go through all that without that information.

SPEAKER_00

It's insane.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That the only thing that I really knew, and I I I feel like I've seen stuff on social media of men getting asked questions and they have just befuddled.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um and I didn't even realize there was more to a period or uh, you know, your cycle outside of just like you were bleeding. Right. And that was like in that period of time, like, okay, we knew about PMS because it's been like, oh, that time of month. And it just uses a derogatory thing rather than a level of understanding.

SPEAKER_01

Well, it it's been interesting, like as a woman too, because I remember as a preteen, I would start to see my friends go through their, like, you know, experience their cycle for the first time. And I remember like even saying aloud at some point that, like, oh, you know, everybody blames it on PMS, but like they're just being bitches. And and like the misogyny in that, first of all. And secondly, like, gosh, like, it's such a point of ignorance because to now be someone who has PCOS, polycystic ovariant syndrome, now called PMOS, it's because they now see that it's a metabolic syndrome. Irregular periods and spiky hormones are such an embedded part of what I navigate in my life. And gosh, I talk to you about this sometimes too, but like there is no way to properly describe what it feels like to be flooded with hormones or to have hormones feel like they're hijacking your system and the the emotional spirals that you go through as that's happening. And for it to not be discussed or normalized or seen as a village thing to to connect together. Yeah, yeah, is is really isolating. So I mean, you know, now that you and I have a regular conversation about it, there are a lot of things that we do differently to normalize and to meet my cycle, which is just as normal a part of my development as any other thing that I've done.

SPEAKER_00

It should be standard that this is part of it's part of life, it's part of the cycles. Like, I think it took me far too long to ever start actively tracking your cycle, independent of you just telling me, oh, you know, I'm due in a week or whatever it might be.

SPEAKER_01

And that was like, I mean, it took me a long time to even get to a point where I was having regular cycles and could get to a point of predictability, which was a huge point of shame for me. And self-doubt was just like, you know, society preaches what regularities and anything irregular is like, gosh, why is my body doing this? And and now I see like there's wisdom in my body, and I respect my body, and the more I respect my body, the more I start to see more regular flow and and and can work with my symptoms differently. But yeah, I mean, to be harboring that sense of shame and confusion, and also, you know, what doctors say, which is not very encouraging, of like, oh, that might mean you have difficulty having children. And there's not a lot of research that's done on women. Most research, most medical advice is based off of research that's been performed on men. And when you dig deeper into why that's so, it's because women's hormones make a baseline too unpredictable to study. And yet we act like we shouldn't be educated.

SPEAKER_00

Let's only test men for how this drug or this thing is going to impact humans, but we're gonna sell it to everyone as if hormones don't have a huge impact, like what you just said. Like their hormones throw everything out of whack so we can't get good readings on uh the data. Okay, we need to stabilize it, versus being like, how do we adjust for or include hormones into the conversation?

SPEAKER_01

So talk to me about like you as my partner, right? Because I think for a lot of women listening to this, I'm sure that they're like, yes, okay, hopefully, uh either illuminated or in agreement, or or maybe not in agreement, but you as my partner, as someone who does not experience their moon, a regular bleed and release in that same way. How have you learned to work with my cycle?

SPEAKER_00

So I think the first part is actually starting to track it and then doing some research on the different phases. Like I didn't even realize that there was like these four different phases of like luteol and follicular and ovulation and then menstruation, and there's different emotional components to each of those phases based off of your hormone levels. So it's like first step is just where are you in the cycle? And then as I track that, it's like okay, during follicular, you have a little bit more energy and there's a little bit more playfulness that can start to come through. So let's lean into that and ovulation. There's a little bit more deeper connection and ease within that. So like maybe that's the time. That's the time to maybe plan something a little bit bigger and romantic and do something more adventurous because there's the energy there. When you're in your luteal phase, it's like maybe that's the time to do anything that's like strenuous or going out and adventurous because it's like energy's lower and a little bit more flush with the hormones where you're just like a little bit more irritated and and yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I just I want to I want to dive into the luteal for a moment because so just for context, luteal is typically where the association of like, oh, are you on your period? Like the PMS can come through. And again, if you like look at the roller coaster of hormones that women's bodies are going through during this time, and you stay curious with them, no one is out to get someone else. You know, like women, women are experiencing a flush and drop in hormones that is so dramatic that's highly destabilizing.

SPEAKER_00

Can you try and describe a little bit of what that what that feels like? Because I knew you said it was hard, but I think that would be helpful.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um gosh, it's it is it's challenging to describe. So I would say there are times where you just feel bloated, where everything feels stimulating, where your body feels sensitive to touch, where there is just like a high level of receptivity, too many inputs going on, almost like there are live wires inside. And, you know, hormones have a way of kind of bringing dormant issues to the surface. So I know a lot of people deal with rage or have arguments during their cycle. And I don't want to speak on behalf of all women, but for me at least, what I've started to find is that it's usually not that these are new situations that don't have any merit to discuss. Perhaps the intensity of how big whatever problem comes up is not matched by how I'm responding in the moment because my baseline intensity levels are so high, my my hormones are just so elevated. Um, but I also find that there's a lot of wisdom in a more gentle approach, right? Like like you being more compassionate or nurturing, or you know, like letting letting me cry. Like there there might be times where like I just want to cry and I don't know why. Or I watch a commercial and I start crying, or I hear a song and like it reaches a point of climax and it just breaks something open in me. And and so and it can be confusing to experience that, you know, and and this is a monthly situation, and at times it can feel like you're completely different people during different times of the month because there's just such a different chemical makeup, hormonal makeup during certain parts of the cycle. And um, it's hard, I can't speak on behalf of people with like kind of traditional normal quote unquote cycles. But yeah, for someone with PCOS, like I like I have, like the intensity is big. And there are times where I feel depressed or quite low. And there's an awareness of like, okay, you know, there's there's nurturing, there's tenderness, there's reframing, all this, all the stuff that I do to maintain my mental health, my mental hygiene is extra important. Um, cravings spike, and that can lead to feelings of of shame or self-doubt, especially when insulin resistance is part of the the makeup. So cravings for certain bodies don't translate in the same way as they do for other bodies. Like there's more of a long-term implication to them. Um but yeah, you know, it it feels like your pants are too tight, you're on the verge of sweating, you are like someone's asking you 15,000 questions, there's a high-pitched voice, you feel unsexy, and uh you don't want to go anywhere sometimes. Like you kind of just want to hide or like cry or nothing feels good. And um yeah, I don't know if that if that helps, but that's it does.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, it's I think there's just curiosity and all, and I think you also highlighted something really important, which is you said hormones can add intensity to things, but it doesn't create things. So in the form of our relationship, there could be more intensity with you feeling something or irritated about something and bringing it up in a way that's a little bit more intense. But that issue was there before.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, I do want to caveat because I've seen and heard of situations where like women are pregnant, for example, and they're just like, I can't even look at my partner.

SPEAKER_00

The way that he's breathing again.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, exactly. Which is not I don't think that they want their partner to not breathe, you know. Of course. So I don't have enough information about how all of this works to properly represent it. But I guess in the dynamic of our relationship, and you know, you mentioned tracking our tracking my cycle, working with it, making it a conversation. The one thing I want to point out is how good that feels to receive. To know that you care enough about my body and my health and my well-being, to think ahead, to have it on your calendar, to like check in and to make this something that you and I are both working with feels really good. And you've never been like, is it that time again? Like, first of all, that's the worst question in the history of questions.

SPEAKER_00

And because it's I can only see that making things worse.

SPEAKER_01

It comes with judgment.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It comes with judgment and it's very dismissive, is what it is. It's like, oh, you have feelings?

SPEAKER_01

Well, and I also would say, like, if men experienced their cycles, we would have monthly PTO for work for three or four days. There are times where I'm like keeling over in pain because of cramps, and I'm just expected to go through my day. And you know, it's like I think about women who are pregnant. Like, I've had um female colleagues be like, it's kind of distracting because I'm sitting in a meeting and the baby is kicking my ribs, and it is astounding what women can do, absolutely astounding what these goddesses can do. And and also like it just it needs to be more talked about. Like these, it's so normal. The fact that I, throughout the course of my life, when I would go to the bathroom when I would be on my on my cycle, I would be hiding a tampon in my jacket or in my pocket. Like I didn't want people to know because it was a point of shame and embarrassment. And I think about that and how normal it is for us to it's it's like if I was embarrassed to go pee. Like I didn't want anybody to know that I ever went pee. And it's just fascinating. I mean, I guess it's the same with like defecation, like people don't ever want to talk about the fact that that happens. Like, but but but like the fact that this is only representative for women and the fact that like I learned to hide it rather than bringing people along, or like, you know, in in in indigenous cultures where they celebrate it and they see this as this point of wisdom and and filtering for the community, and you know, it's there's just this connection with ourselves and our wombs and our feminine bodies that is so deeply ingrained from such a young age, as though we're bad or embarrassing or disgusting to bleed, or like so many women that I've spoken to, like their partners won't have sex with them when they're on their period. And to me, I'm like, like I get that there's blood there, but also this is what your body is intended to do, you know, like and sex can actually be incredible when you're when you're on your cycle, and so if so I guess okay, so as as a man, as a man, there must be some mental hurdles to like when I'm on my cycle, how do you how do you get around that? Is there like does that seem less sexy to you when I'm bleeding? And like what what's your journey with navigating that?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I can't speak for other men, but for me personally, it has never been any concern or issue if you're bleeding. Not from like a judgment, not from like an unsexy place. It's I'm just like, yeah, your body does that. Oh how could that I don't know. To me, it seems so strange that that could be read as unsexy.

SPEAKER_01

You know what? It's equate. Which is which it's equating to me right now of like if you were to ejaculate and I'd be like, ew, not that, like, don't make that liquid.

SPEAKER_00

It's like yeah, it's like it's just what your body like I really struggle to even comprehend that. Yeah, but that's not to say that I don't I'm I'm not conscious or aware that there are like what you just said earlier, there's plenty of people that are like, oh no, gross. And it's like, well, get your fucking shit together, dude. That's all that's all you, it has nothing to do with your partner.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um the thing that I struggled with was more on the emotional side of things.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Where I, for a long time in our relationship, would, and again, it goes back to things that we've talked about here before, around me not wanting to be on the bad side of anger. And so I would shrink. So that I think was problematic in our relationship, and I wasn't tracking it, I wasn't focused on that. And you would feel upset or frustrated, whether about something else or on a relationship, and I could feel that I would tiptoe around and walk on eggshells, which would make you even more mad, and then ultimately we'd get in some argument, and then typically a day later, you'd be like, Oh, I just got my period. That explains so much, and then we'd have a conversation and we'd be like, Look, I think the intensity with what what I said was maybe not great, but I meant the things that I talked about, and I think for me, I spent a long time trying to shrink and hide away of any time that you were feeling off or hormonal. And my journey has been to just do my work and feel more sure about myself so that way you feeling that way is a reflection on me, or I need your validation. It's how can I actually be sturdy and strong during this? And I think part of that comes from actually tracking it and knowing where you are and being able to prepare for it and all these other I mean, there's so many facets. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I see all of that, and um it makes sense, and it's also to me learning how your partner operates, like learning how I operate, learning how you operate, is part of the gift of being with someone. Like the more I can see you, the more I can love you, the more I can know about you, and the more I can understand how you work. Like that's fascinating to me. I want to know, and I want to know how I operate, and I want to feel into those things, and that's just my natural curiosity. And I feel like at times, because we're not taught to stay curious with our bodily flows, there can be a lot of guarding around them where it's even hard to talk about. Like, I I would be curious how many people listening to this have actually had conversations with their partners about their cycles and about their needs around their cycles, or have even spent the time to reflect on how they feel at certain points, or to track it beyond just like this is the day that I get my period. Like, what are how do my needs shift as the month goes on? There's a whole marketing Instagram situation around syncing and syncing your exercises to the time of month. And wherever you fall in that, that's not the point of this. I think the um the intention behind it feels good and aligned in that our bodies have different needs every day. And whereas a man can go into the gym or go into life and be very consistent because his hormonal cycles are on a 24-hour period and the spikes and dips are not at the same intensity, and there are fewer hormones to work with, women don't have that same makeup. And so rather than trying to force ourselves to do what men do and and causing so much extra stress to the body, acting like we have a man's body, I think it's really healthy for us to introduce a different way of seeing how we move through the world and inviting us to do it in our own like dignified, divine feminine way. And it's not to say that we can't do what men do, right? Like, like fuck yeah, to women in in positions of power.

SPEAKER_00

I would say women can do so much more than men because it's like you've spent your whole life basically having these, all of these other fluctuations, and you're just expected to continue life as normal, like the example of the woman who is pregnant getting kicked, and you just have to do normal things, and then it's like men get a cold and they're like, I'm so sick, I can't do anything. And meanwhile, women every single month are dealing with that, and then you see all those videos of of men putting like the stimulation packs. Oh, yeah, the cramped stimulation packs your experience cramping like this is like a seven, and they're and then like their partner goes and puts on it's like oh this is light, this is easy. It's like, oh, what a and you deal with that.

SPEAKER_01

I would love for you to experience one. We'll have to I wonder if we can rent one, but yeah, and I mean it was the same thing with like IUD removal. So, you know, men go into the hospital because they have like a you know broken finger or whatever, and they're like, Oh my gosh, and they're handed medication. Like I had an IUD taken out or put in during both experiences and uh given no medication as they're poking a hole in my cervix. It's and you can feel everything, it it's horrible, it's super uncomfortable. And I mean, you know, like the the tools that they use during pelvic exams are super outdated and very uncomfortable. And it's like there's a lot of poking and prodding that happens to women's bodies, and we're kind of used to it and we act like that is the norm. And so going back to us doing it differently, us learning how to be nurturing with our own bodies, it's no wonder that we haven't learned to be nurturing with our own bodies because that hasn't been what's been modeled for us in this like kind of male-dominant patriarchal setup.

SPEAKER_00

Even the positioning that women give birth in right now is not good for them to give birth to. For the women. For the women, it's designed and set up so that the male doctor or any doctor. Well, now, yes. But when it when it was designed, it was meant, but for now doctors to sit in a chair and be comfortable while they're delivering a yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I imagine if a if a woman invented that setup, that a woman would have been like, what is the what is the delivering pregnant woman need?

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But it's it's in all of these different things. Um, and circling back to the beginning when you were just like you were taught how to put a condom on a banana, but not that you do anything more than bleed once a month. And what does that mean? What are hormones? How do they impact your mood, your appetite, your everything?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that there's just there's a wealth of information here, and I feel like we're just scratching the surface. For those of you listening at home, I would be curious to know what this is triggering within you and what conversations you can have with your partner to either align on how your hormone experience influences your life and your relationship or each other. And um love to hear it. Leave a note in the comments. Let us know what came up for you. And if you have any questions or suggested topics or opinions, definitely let us know. We are all ears. So if you like what you heard, tune in next week on Wednesday, This Love in Action podcast, and follow us on all social media platforms at This Love in Action.