How to Overcome Offensiveness in Your Marriage

Join Eric and Sharris this week for an insightful episode of "Anchored in Grace," where we tackle the often unspoken hurdles of marriage—offensiveness. Are you struggling with unmet expectations, unresolved conflicts, or perhaps past grievances? You’re not alone! In this episode, we'll unlock the keys to overcoming these challenges and help you foster healing and restoration in your relationship.

We’ll explore five critical areas that can create offense in your marriage: unmet expectations, the pain of ungrieved loss, the weight of unconfessed sins, the chains of unforgiven offenses, and the turmoil of unresolved conflicts. Each of these themes will be supported by Scripture, offering you practical tools to nurture a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll hear insights from Matthew, Psalms, and Proverbs that encourage honesty, humility, and healing.

But that's not all! We’ll also dive into the transformative practice of overlooking offenses, revealing how embracing forgiveness can lead to joy and deeper connection with your partner. With practical takeaways and heartfelt discussions, this episode promises to equip you with the wisdom to navigate the rough waters of marital conflict.

We'll wrap up with an engaging conversation around homework practices that you can implement throughout the week, ensuring that the lessons learned resonate beyond the episode. The show will conclude with a powerful prayer, inviting God’s guidance into your marriage journey.

Don't miss this opportunity to strengthen your relationship and experience the grace and love that anchors us all. Tune in and discover how to not only survive but thrive in your marriage!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome back to another episode of Anchored in Grace. This is week five, and we are so glad you've joined us today. We are diving into a topic that many couples struggle with. How to how to overcome offensiveness in your marriage. So now we're going to start with an opening prayer. Heavenly Father, we come to you today with open hearts, seeking guidance and wisdom in our hearts and in our marriages. We ask that you bless the words spoken today and that they bring hope and healing to those who are listening. Help us to cultivate a spirit of grace and forgiveness in our relationships. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Amen. Yes, and feeling offended in a marriage is more common than many of us realize. It is a stem from unmet expectations, unresolved grief, unconfessed sins, unforgiven offenses, and ongoing conflicts. If we don't address these issues, Eric, they can stunt the growth of our relationships and it allows disappointments to creep in. So the first thing we're gonna talk about is unmet expectations.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Let's start with that. Unmet expectations. You know, many couples, like you said, Shars, enter into marriage with very unrealistic hopes that they can fulfill all of their partners' m emotional needs and help. And that kind of, you know, dealing with all the kind of past issues that they've had, all the problems, because we're all human and we bring our baggage sometime into our relationship. That's why it's very important, you know, as we go into a relationship sometime, a new relationship, to make sure that we're going in dealing with any baggage, any anything that's kind of afflicted you in your old relationship, because you can bring those things into your new relationship. And that can really hinder you, you know, moving forward. Um Matthews 7, 1 through 5 says in the NLT, do not judge others, and you will not be judged, for you will be treated as you treat others. The standards you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. The scripture reminds us to look at ourselves first, adjusting our expectations based on truth and of the scripture and shift our perspectives, you know, and it's important, I think, for our our spouses, you know, not to be judgmental when they if they do come in with baggage to be able to to work with them and to help them through those situations if they do come into a relationship with those things, you know, because we all do it.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

Yes, absolutely. And we need to have uh open, honest conversations about what we expect from one another. And it's also important to consider what we bring to the relationship and are we putting pressure on our spouse, you know, to meet all of our needs rather than finding fulfillment in Christ. Wouldn't you say that's very important in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I would. I would, you know, finding that fulfillment. You know, I think sometimes and I think we've been in that situation in our relationship where you you can be so in love with your spouse.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Loving them so much that you can make your spouse your God. And you can put them on a pedestal instead of having God on the pedestal that He belongs on.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Your spouse does it your spouse is always special, but they don't belong on the pedestal stool that God belongs on. They have a place.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

You know? Yeah. And your spouse can't fix your issues.

SPEAKER_03 4:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And you should never put them in that place to do the things that only God can do because that's pressure.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

You will crush them with that type of pressure.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

And it's unfair.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Mm-hmm. That's a really good point. And yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's a lot of pressure on a person, you know, 'cause nobody can do what God can do.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Nobody.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Okay. Wow. That's a whole nother uh podcast on that. We'll have to um do one just you know, completely on that because yeah, that totally aside is yeah, that's a whole whole bunch of pressure on a person and you definitely don't want to do that to your spouse. So yeah, so relieving that pressure. Yeah, okay. That's good.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

So now we move into our next one, number two, is uncr ungrieved lost. Okay, and that it says, and then so ungrieved loss um can come in many forms. Um it can be through death, um, it can be in real a loss of a relationship, you know, um life changes. Um Psalms 30 and 11 says, You turn my mourning into a joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. So this is big because I think sometimes there's so many psychology terms out there for this, but I'm gonna keep this in a spiritual sense because we can get in a place sometimes where um just dealing with loss and focusing on loss and never getting over a loss. Like I remember when I lost my sister, that was really hard for me. I struggled for a long time, and I thank God that I had my wife um at that time who became my wife. She was my girlfriend and became my wife. But losing my sister, she was my best friend, and losing her I had I I struggled grieving. I was angry with God, I was mad with God. Because I was like, Why did you take Tanya? Why did you take her from me?

SPEAKER_03 7:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

You know, why did she have to get cancer at you know twenty nine years old? You know what I mean? Why her? You know what I mean? She's doing God's work, you know, why does she deserve to die? You know what I mean? We put ourselves in those places. And I was a kid at the time saying these things, right?

unknown 7:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

But you know, there's a time and place for everybody. No matter the good people, bad people, all of us, we're gonna leave this earth one day, unfortunately. And as you mature, you understand that. You know what I mean? And lost never gets easy. You know what I'm saying? And it's something that we we learn to deal with, you know, but we're all gonna have to deal with it at some point, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Yeah, and you know, and that scripture also, Eric, it is illustrates that morning is natural. Yeah. You know, and we all go through it in our own way. And so and that was something you were dealing with in your own way. And I've dealt with it in my own way. And I know many of you were, you know, that are listening today, you have dealt with dealt with it in your own way. So um we must all allow ourselves to grieve and encourage, you know, our spouses to do the same. Um, so in Matthew five and four it states, God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted, comforted. Um processing grief together strengthens our bonds and allows us to understand each other more deeply. So make sure, you know, if your spouse is going through a loss, if they're going through something, you know, be there for them, you know, comfort them because that is a hard part and that's when we need to be there to lift each other up.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

So true, because it's really important to understand that not dealing with it can really hinder your relationship. You know, the ungrieved loss can hold you back from moving forward in your relationship. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, if you have a you know, an issue like like your father, you know what I mean? You love your dad or you didn't have a good relationship with your father, you know, that could lead to other types of relationship issues um as you move forward in your life, different types, you know. So you just never know, you know. It's just important to make sure that you deal with any type of ungrieved loss. Don't let it settle in your spirit, don't let it settle in you, deal with it. So now we're moving to the next one, number three. Um, the third area is unconfessed sins. Addressing sins in our lives require a self-reflection. Um Luke six and forty-five tells us a good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart. And an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of of e of an evil heart. What uh that what you say flows flows from what is in your heart. You know?

SPEAKER_01 11:02

And recognizing our shortcomings fosters humility. And James four, one through twelve, it reminds us to consider where our conflicts arise from. Having those tough conversations about our sins can help rebuild our trust. Colossians three and thirteen tells us make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. We must bring these conversations into the light.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

You know, and I think, you know, one w one thing, uh when me and Charles first got married, I think being young, we were so young. And you know We was babies we were babies and and you start learning about spirit spiritual world, you start learning about generational curses and so many different things in life, and you just want to go into a family, you want to make sure your children are covered moving forward. You don't want to take things that have hindered your family in the past forward, so you start hearing these things, so you naturally like, man, we need to confess these things to one another, you know, sins, unconfessed sins. So I I I I remember clearly sitting back confessing to Share's like, these are some things I've done. And it was very, very um uncomfortable sharing like some things that I had been involved with, you know, and and but I was honest with her and I shared with her, you know, what had happened, what I did, but it was a sense of freedom afterwards. Right. You know what I mean? So it's true.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Yeah you just feel better, you know, it's that pure feeling afterwards, right, of cleansing yourself, you know. And so and you know, you can walk in freedom, you know, after that. And it it's hard, right, of like, oh gosh, do I tell my spouses these things, right? And you know, you're being vulnerable in those moments, but that's how God wants us to be with him too. You know, and we have to be vulnerable with him to trust we have to trust God with our thoughts, with our prayers, with our our wants and our desires that we have in our heart. Because he already knows before we know. You know what I mean? And he the things we're we're gonna do, he already knows what we're gonna do anyway.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

So That's right.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

Why are we holding back? You know what I'm saying? We're we're just holding back from ourselves, like God already knows. So He knows everything. He knows it all.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

So Yeah, this is why prayer life is so important. We did a whole podcast on the importance of prayer life, you know, and building that honest communication with God and that prayer life is important here. You know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

So bring those conversations into the life. So it's so important.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Yeah. So let's talk about um the next one, number four. Uh let's talk about unforgiving offenses. Um bitterness can grow roots when we hold on to past wrongs. This is a big one.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

Second Corinthians 2, 5 through 11 says, I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more uh all of you more than he hurt me. So let me read that again. I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more than he hurt me. Holding on to bitterness harms both partners. And, you know, that that statement right there, that's a deep one. You know, so many of us have been in old relationships, right? Or been in old situations that we hold on to. And then we come into new relationships and we hold our partner hostage for what somebody else did to us. And that's horrible. It is horrible to do that.

SPEAKER_03 15:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

And it and and and I in my opinion, it's sinful to do that.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Because um who gives you the right to do that? You know what I mean? What did they do to deserve that? You know what I mean? That's why it's so important to to deal with things, you know. Um, no one deserves to be treated that way. You know, and that's why it's very important for us to think about what we d what we do to others when we do that.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

How would you feel?

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Yeah. And that's so true, Eric. Instead of letting bitterness consume us, we should reflect on those burdens and choose to release those to God. Um, because in first Peter two and twenty three it reminds us he did not retaliate when it was insulted. Right? Nor threaten revenge when he suffered. We can find peace in forgiveness.

SPEAKER_03 16:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Right? So it's so important. You can find so much peace when you forgive, and that's in all things. Yes. No matter what, like when you ask for forgiveness peace comes upon you. Like immediately. Like you you can sit there and hold on something twenty years ago or fifteen years ago or five minutes ago. Right? Peace will come upon you. Yeah. You'll feel so much lighter, it feels so much better just to let it go and give it to God.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

So somet something I've seen in so many families, and it don't matter if it's black families, white families, Asian families, families hold secrets. Right? And there are so many ugly there's so many it's ugliness that's hidden in the past in families. And a lot of it is just deep rootedness, it's this bitterness, it's unforgiven stuff, that uh they're holding on to things. Um and it's a lot of times this stuff that needs to be dealt with, stuff that this needs to be stepped on, you know what I mean? Um and and only God can can like you said, Shars, can can can rid give us peace through those things.

SPEAKER_03 18:03

Yes, peace through.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 18:05

Forgiveness.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

There is peace in forgiveness.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

You know? Amen.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Talk about unresolved conflict.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Yes. Let's let's address unresolved conflict. Um it's a natural part of any relationship. However, James 4 1 through 3 tells us how conflict arises from our desire desires that battles within us.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Okay. Yeah, because we need to approach our conflicts respectfully and focus on solutions, not personal attacks, 'cause that's that's another thing. That's a that's a huge one, right? 'Cause we can quickly be like, you know what, Eric, you know, real quick. You know, we can automatically just I can personally attack you real quick with my tongue, right? But in Ephesians four and fifteen it advises us to speak the truth in love and ensuring both partners feel heard and valued and that is so important, I think. And that's in that's in the Bible. Right? That that's like so crazy. And that's something I think in our relationship we've always said, you know, that we always always say I want to be heard. You always say I want to be valued, you know, and um and I think we both have said that vice versa. I want to be heard, I want to be valued, I want to be valued, I want to be heard, you know. And that's right there in the in the verse, you know, Ephesians four and fifteen. Um speak the truth in love, ensuring both partners feel heard and valued. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Yeah, yeah. Amen, amen. Dealing with offense in marriage may feel overwhelming, but healing and growth are possible by addressing unmet expectation, processing grief, confessing sins, forgiving offenses, and resolving conflicts. Couples can foster a deeper Christ centered marriage. That's the goal. You know? That is the goal. You know.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Yeah. So there's hope, guys. I mean, just you gotta keep pushing for success in your marriage. Because it's w we all deal with it every single day. There is no perfect marriage out there and every day is an you know, just uphill battle. Uh battle, right? But it's like, hey, you just gotta keep working on it. You know, because it's all worth it. You know, and you're living life with your best friend and you can laugh every day, pray every day, love each other every day and smile. You know what I'm saying? And just still loving life, that's that's the beauty of it. You know what I'm saying? If you can still laugh and just enjoy life still, like that's the beauty of it all.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

Right there. You know, we were having our little moments today, right? Mm-hmm. But what do we do? We come together, we pray, and we say, Lord, g whoop our butts, get us right.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

That's right. You know, it's like, oh my goodness, why are we acting like this? But you know what? God is so much bigger. And um He whips us right into shape. You know what I mean? Because God is bigger than a situation or a moment. Right? And so we have to get out of those moments where we're in that season of being where we're always feeling like I'm in a season of uh offense. Right. But I'm like, Okay, God, I just need To build a fence around me.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

It's really important for us to always leave you with some practical application of things that you can utilize throughout the week from what we discuss. Throughout life. And throughout life. So here are some homework items that we put together for you to reflect on some tools that you can utilize this week. Number one, reflect on expectations. Take time this week to journal about your expectations in your marriage. Write down three adjustments you can make based on scripture. You know, that's and you know, your favorite scripture, important scripture. You know, make some adjustments.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

Number two, grief and healing. Spend time in prayer and reflect on any losses you may have experienced. Share these thoughts with your spouse and support each other in a grieving process.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

Number three, confession and forgiveness. Identify one area of unconfessed sin in your life that may be affecting your marriage. Have an honest conversation with your partner and seek forgiveness.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Number four, release burdens. Each evening, take time to share any offenses you are holding against each other. Pray together to release these burdens to God.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Amen. Number five, conflict resolution exercise. Practice resolving a recent conflict by focusing on truth and love. Use Ephesians four and fifteen as a guide during the discussion.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

All right. And as we close, let's pray together for strength and love in our marriage and for the guidance to invite the Holy Spirit into our conversations. So, dear Lord, thank you for the guidance you have given us today. Help us to apply these teachings to our lives and our marriages. May we learn, may we lean into your grace, forgive one another, and grow in love. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Amen. Until next time, remember the one who anchors you in grace is also holding you in his love and peace. Thank you for joining us today on Anchored and Grace, and we look forward to seeing you next time. And please make sure you like and share. And you know, comment. And if there's anything that you would love to see, any ideas you have for Anchored and Grace, feel free to share them. Thank you very much, and we appreciate you again for being a loyal listener. Thank you.