When You Want Revenge

What do you do when every part of you wants revenge?

In this episode, I share what happened after losing my radio career, the struggle of letting go of the "why," and how God challenged me to choose grace over bitterness. If you've ever been hurt, overlooked, or left searching for answers, I hope this conversation reminds you that healing doesn't always come from getting the answers—it comes from trusting the One who already knows them.

Transcript

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What do you do when every fiber of your being wants revenge? What do you do when your natural instinct to being wronged without any actual reason makes you feel so spiteful that you're ready to burn the world down? It's Cheyenne, and this is nothing to prove because I have nothing to prove. Although three months ago, I would have told you that I absolutely had something to prove. And when I first started this podcast, and if you listen to episode one, the very end, I called it Still Becoming. Because when I first started this podcast, I thought it was going to be still becoming. And sometime between editing, recording, editing, and releasing, I realized that that title of the podcast didn't fit me. And then I landed on Cheyenne. Nothing to prove. Because this is about me. And nothing to prove. And this might be the most nothing to prove episode I ever record. Because so many of you want answers. And I don't have them for you. So many of you, like me, even two and a half months ago, wanted the why. You want the why. You want to know why. Why was I fired? I don't have an answer for you. I will tell you exactly what I was told. What should have been at least a 15-minute conversation to, you know, appreciate my years of service, appreciate the longevity that I had, the run that I had, the blood, sweat, tears, and time that not only I gave, but my family gave, was less than a three-minute conversation that lacked eye contact and frankly any form of humanity. And I sat down and I was told this is gonna be a hard conversation, but a short one. The station is moving in a different direction and you're not a part of it. Today's gonna be your last day. Do you have any questions? And I said, Are you serious? And they responded with, Yes. This is HR. They're gonna explain to you the moves moving forward. And up this person stood and walked out the room. That's what I got. And I'm not saying that because I'm angry. I'm not saying it because I need validation, to be honest with you. I don't need anything. I don't even need the why. So if you've been waiting for the why, that is the only why that I have, and the only why that I can give you. That's it. And as sucky as it is, I will tell you that in that moment, every fiber of my being wanted to burn the world down. Any conversation that I had was because I wanted immediate gratification of I didn't need you. They saw value in me so much that they scooped me up right away. And while, like you know, in the last episode, that was absolutely the case. There were absolutely people who saw value in me and wanted me to be a part of what they have going on. Uh I chose not to do those things. And you can go back and listen to the first episode if you want to hear more about that, because this is not about that. This is about what do you do when every uh when you want to be spiteful? What do you do when your gut instinct as a person, but also as a confrontational first person, which is me, I lead with confrontation. I do not stray from it. You want you wanna know what I haven't argued in so long with somebody? Come at me. Somebody just come argue with me. I don't care if it's how you pronounce, I don't even know. I'll argue with you because I haven't argued with somebody in so long. Because I'm just so better off anymore. Um I I just I wanted I wanted revenge. And truthfully, if it wasn't for conversations that I had within the first couple of hours, I probably would have led with revenge first. I probably would have led with spitefulness first because I was so upset and I was so heartbroken. And it sucks because in radio, it's such a small industry, and in less than 24 hours, the entire industry knows that you've been let go, right? No matter if you're a part of a big purge of jobs or a one-off, everybody knows. Uh a press release goes out about you no longer being a part of a station. There's no privacy, and everybody knew. And I had an option, I had a choice. Because I knew that anything that I did moving forward was gonna have eyes on it. I knew that my potential next boss was gonna be watching what I did. And I had to move very carefully. And every every move that I made was genuinely a chess piece of if I make this move, what move could be made next? And truthfully, that's what took this podcast so long to get out, is because I needed to make sure that all of my ducks were in a row. I needed to make sure that nothing that I did violated anything. And I wanted to give respect also to the company that I work for because I have nothing but the utmost respect for a lot of people in that company, and I just appreciate them even taking a chance on me in 2019 when they did, truthfully, truthfully. Be that as it may, though. Um, everything that I wanted to do was to be publicly angry. But as you guys saw, my farewell post did not even point to the fact that I had been fired. I wanted to leave with grace, and I wanted to take the high ground, and I wanted to leave knowing that I wasn't gonna regret anything that I said or anything that I did. So I did that. Uh, I left very gracefully. I said my goodbyes. I made a post that I feel very good about, and I wouldn't, truthfully, I wouldn't go back and change any of it. Um, but that doesn't take away what I was feeling. That doesn't change the fact that I wanted to immediately get back into work so that I could give a professional, hmm, you thought I was gonna be down, but guess what? But the Holy Spirit is better than that. The Holy Spirit is stronger than that. And not only did he speak to me through himself, but he also led me through my mentors and through people that I truly respect. And I took a big breath and said, Cheyenne, if you ever want to have a career in radio, move carefully. Take time. And I did that. Again, it didn't change how I felt. It did not change the fact that trust was broken with people. It didn't change the fact that I didn't have an income. It didn't change the fact that I was still really angry. I was still upset as I'm going through all of these emotions. And if you listen to episode one, you know how the Holy Spirit worked through me. You know how he was showing up for me, you know the people he was putting in my life to intercede for me when I couldn't do it myself. But that also meant that I had to do work myself, right? I couldn't just sit here and wallow in some form of self-pity, hoping that somebody was gonna swoop in and save the day. I had to do the work. And in doing so, obviously I, you know, I dove into the word. I dove into what I knew, but also what I didn't know. And I came across Luke chapter 6, verse 27 through 28, and Jesus said, I say to you who hear, love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you. Now, now I'm faced with another problem. Not only do I want to burn the world down, not only do I want revenge, not only do I want to be justified and vindicated, now you're telling me I have to pray for these people. Now you're telling me that the people who cursed my names in rooms I wasn't in. So my name was being spoken about in ways it didn't deserve to be spoken about, but also who knows what was said, right? And now I gotta pray for these people because Jesus said yes. A thousand times over again, yes. That's absolutely what happened. And it sucked, and it still sucks, and I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that it gets easier. I can't do that because three months later I'm still praying for people and it still sucks. But I can sit here and tell you that there's not a single move that I have made that I'm embarrassed about. I can tell you that there's not a single move or a single thing that I have said that I regret that I would take back or that I need to apologize for because I chose to move in grace and I chose to give people grace whether they deserved it, whether I thought they deserved it or not. Because truthfully, it's not about what I thought people deserved, right? But I chose to do that. And it wasn't easy. And then I came to Deuteronomy, Deuteromy, Deuteromy, Deuteronomy 30. The Almighty God is able to just to restore what you have lost. The Almighty God is able to restore what you have lost. And this actually is something that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me. I was sitting outside one day. Uh, this was probably about a week and a half after getting the news, right? So I'm about a week and a half unemployed. And I'm sitting on the front seat in the on the on my front patio. And I'm, you know, still I'm texting people. My phone is still like relatively blowing up, and I feel the Holy Spirit, which by the way, if you don't know what it's like to hear the Holy Spirit talking to you, um, spend some time with it because sometimes it feels like yourself. It kind of sometimes sounds like yourself talking to you. Um and other times when the enemy is in your ear, chirping away, it's very loud and it's very aggressive, and it's very, at least for me, I don't know what it's like for anybody else. And I can't speak for everybody else. But when the enemy is in my ear, it's repetitive. It's you're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough, there's a reason why you're not there. There's, you know, it's very, it's so overwhelmingly negative, and it's so loud that it's hard to drown it out. But when the Holy Spirit is talking to me, it's very faint. And it's just faint enough to be almost a subconscious thought. Where I have to ask myself, is that me? Or is that you? And he said to me, I am going to restore you. I don't want you to worry because I've got you. And that, truthfully, at the end of the day, is what has kept me sane the last three months. There is a calmness in knowing that even though doors had to be closed for you to move forward, you're gonna be okay. And I truly feel like God is moving me into a place where restoration is happening. Restoration is here, and there is no stopping it. I am certain of it. Um, and I have to stay rooted in that. I have to stay rooted in the fact that I know he's restoring me. And there was something else that he had said to me too, a couple of days later, because I was really wrestling with the why. The why and why did it happen the way that it did, why just all the whys, okay? I was really struggling with it. And being 35 and a woman and a mom and you know, all the other things that I am, there was a lot of whys and a lot of assumptions that I was making. And he said to me, You're rehirable. You're gonna be just fine. I've got a plan. Do what I am telling you to do. Which, again, if you want to know what he told me to do, go watch episode one because I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna repeat it. But he was telling me, do what I'm telling you to do. You're gonna be fine. Just do it. So I did it, okay? I'm doing it. And so that's that's where it's at. That's how I've been able to move through not having the why. That's why I've been able to take a step back and not embarrass myself. Because trust me, if it wasn't for these things, I would have embarrassed myself because I was so angry and I was so hurt. But what do you do when that's not enough? What do you do when your fleshly desires are overriding what your spirit already knows? What do you do? And that's almost the harder spot to be in, rather than the initial running on pure emotion reality of what life is going to look like the next couple of months. What do you do when your flesh starts to win? You rely on the village and the people that you built. Because the Bible also says that iron sharpens iron and the sick can be healed by the faith of their friends. And you are darn tootin' right if you if you think that I ran to my friends. Because my best friend has solid faith. She has been steadfast for me. In any moment of doubt, in my not only myself, but in God, in God's plan, she redirects me. She reminds me that the anxiety and the stress is an attack from the enemy, and that that's not the place that I live in anymore. But what do you do when one person's words are not strong enough to override the voice in the back of your head that is telling you that you done not good enough? What do you do? For me, I ran to Bible study and I leaned on the village of women that I have helped build up in their spiritual lives because one day I was going to need them too. Because I have been there for them and I have helped them through it. We have been through relationships and marriage issues and cancer diagnoses and near cancer diagnoses and sickness and hurt and envy and sadness. We've been through all of these things, and I have been steadfast for them in all of these things, and in this one moment, every single one of them showed up for me. And even when I needed to cancel because I just couldn't show up for them, every single one of them reached out to me individually. Because the village that you build is just as important. You have to be surrounded by people who are like-minded, who are faith-grounded like you, who believe the same thing that you do, because trust me when I tell you, there is gonna be something that comes up where you are gonna need those people. It is just a matter of time for life to kick you in the butt. And you're gonna need them to come over, take your hands, help you stand up, tell you you got dirt on your butt, wipe it off, and to remind you of who you are. That is how I have navigated not having the why. That is how I have navigated my instinct for revenge and spitefulness and feeling like I need to be justified. And I don't care if what you're going through is six months old, if it's brand new, these feelings sometimes don't ever go away. But you're not alone because I definitely don't have it all together, but I'm working on it, and I know what you're feeling, and I definitely understand what you're going through. You're not alone, and it doesn't matter if it's a job loss or a relationship loss, or maybe you just feel lost. You're not alone. So many other people are going through it too, including me. So if there is anything that I can do for you today, it is to tell you that I am happy that you are here, and I am so blessed that you found this place where we can all just embrace the chaos of life and know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, no matter what that looks like, and we have to trust him, even if it feels like blind trust, we have to know that he has our back. And the same way he's had mine, he will have yours. Because I don't have any more favor than you do. I've just chose to trust him with the very next step, even if I don't know what the step after that is. I just trust that that step is gonna be there. And I know that you can do it too. And if you'd let me, I would love to pray for you. Heavenly Father, we just thank you so much for the person listening to this right now. Father, we thank you so much for bringing them to a place where we are welcoming them with open arms, Father. We thank you for the blessing that they are in every person's life that they walk into, Father. Father, and I rebuke the spirit of anxiety, the spirit of spitefulness, the spirit of revenge and depression that is plaguing the person on the other side, Father. Father, I ask that you wash their body in peace and in comfort so that they know that you are by their side. Father, I ask that you give them a moment in the next couple of days where they know that that is your love showing up for them, Father. I ask that you open up their eyes to see and their hearts to feel, Father. And I just ask that you come into their lives undeniably, Father, and we just thank you for them today. In your heavenly name we pray. Amen.