The Weight of Love

Grief is the price we pay for love but that doesn't make carrying it any easier.

In this deeply personal episode of Still Standing with Adrianne, I'm joined by my guest, Niki, as we share an honest conversation about grief, loss, and the lasting impact of love. 

Together, we explore the many emotions that come with losing someone we love, the ways grief can shape us, and how faith, community, and compassion can help us keep moving forward.

Whether you're grieving the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or a season of life, this episode is a reminder that you don't have to carry your pain alone.

 Healing isn't about forgetting—it's about learning to carry love in a new way while giving yourself the grace to grieve.

We hope this conversation brings comfort, encouragement, and the reassurance that wherever you are in your journey, you're not alone.

Come as you are. Leave a little lighter.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:18

If nobody's told you this today, I'm really glad you're here. Welcome back to Still Standing. I'm Adrian. Today's episode is different. Not because we're talking about grief, but because today we're talking about love. The kind of love that changes you forever. The kind of love that doesn't end. Even when someone leaves this earth. People say grief is the place, the price we pay for love. I've heard that a lot. But lately, I've been thinking, I don't know if grief is the price. I think it's the weight. Because when P when someone loves you deeply and you love them deeply, that love doesn't disappear when they're gone. It simply has nowhere to go. So we carry it. Some days it's light enough that we smile when we remember them. Other days it feels so heavy we wonder how we're supposed to keep breathing. Today we're talking about carrying that weight. And I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather have beside me than my best friend Nikki. Thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Before we say anything else, I'd like us to do something. I want us to say their names. Because I think sometimes people stop saying the names of the people we've lost. Almost like they're afraid it'll make us sad. But here's the truth. We're already thinking about them. Every single day. So today, let's honor them. My mom's name was Rita Elise Dooley.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Nikki? My dad's name was Frederick Charles Clignet.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

My mom was my biggest cheerleader. She believed in me before I believed in myself. She loved me. No matter what. Period.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Tell us about your dad, Nikki. My dad was the most amazing, loving, loyal, and giving man I knew. He anything you needed, he would make it happen for us. Just a really big heart. I love that. And he was super funny. I love that. He was super funny.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

He always had me dying. I wish we weren't qualified to have this conversation. Um, before we jump into the questions, I want to share something. When I first passed away, when my mom first passed away, people kept telling me it gets easier. I know they meant well, I really do. But if I'm honest, I don't think it's been my experience. It's been two years. The pain hasn't gone away, hasn't gotten smaller. I've gotten stronger, stronger at carrying it. Because grief isn't something you get over. It's something you learn to carry. Some days I carry it really well. Some days it carries me. That's a there's a hole in my life where my mom used to be. Not because she did everything for me, definitely not, not Rita Jackson. But because she loved me in a way only a mother can. Choose my safe place, the person I wanted to call, the person I wanted to make proud, even to this day. The person who believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. People have told me you've changed the right. I have. But grief changed me. Uh it changed me as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a partner, as a friend. Some of those changes I'm proud of. But some I'm still trying to understand. Grief made me appreciate life more. Made me hug my kids longer. Made me realize tomorrow isn't promised. But if I'm being completely honest, grief also made me impatient sometimes. Sometimes angry. A lot of the times jealous. There have been moments where I've watched someone complain about their mom, and my first thought was, you still have yours. And then immediately I feel guilty of thinking that. But grief isn't always graceful. Sometimes it's messy. Sometimes it isn't pretty. Sometimes it's surviving the grocery store because you saw your mom's favorite cereal or her favorite candy, which was Red Hot's, the most disgusting candy ever. But she even on her last days were asking, let me get a red hot in before it before I send off. Sometimes it's hearing a song and having the pullover because you can't stop crying. Sometimes it's laughing at a memory and crying in the same breath. That's grief. And I think we need to give people permission to talk about that. So we're gonna dive into these questions. So Nikki, what has been the hardest part of losing your dad that nobody prepared you for?

SPEAKER_00 6:28

I think the hardest is just the whole experience. I mean, we never really prepare for it, right? We don't know how it's gonna happen, when it's gonna happen. We know it's going to happen. Yeah. But I think I wasn't prepared for how much it was going to hurt. Yeah, definitely. But also nobody can. Everybody's grief is different. Yeah. So nobody could probably tell me, hey, this is gonna be really sucky. I just gonna feel like this. You no one can prepare you for that. It just comes with it. You gotta deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yeah, definitely. Because just like you're saying, everybody's grief is different. And there's no right way to grieve. Yes. Because how is there a right way to grieve? Is it it blows my mind that there are people who think that. Right. Um, let's dive into this next question. What's something you miss that surprised you? Not Christmas, not birthdays, just ordinary life.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Really, what I just miss is just hearing his voice, something so simple. Like you you wish you could hear it again. Even if it's him being mad at you, yeah, or happy for you. You just wish you can hear him again, right? And then the last time I did hear him wasn't even his voice. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, obviously it's his voice, but yeah, it's not how I remember him sounding. So I think that's what I miss the most is just being able to talk to him just about random things. Yeah. You know, definitely, yeah. Just his voice.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

The vo Yeah. I think about like the texts I would get from my mom. She'd text me at like three o'clock in the morning, wake up and be like, hey, I had a dream. Just wanted to hit you up. I know you're sleeping right now, but you know, I feel like that some of the decisions you're making, like I'm like, okay, mom, I'm not I do we gotta talk about that. It's real early. Yeah, it's too early for this.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

My dad would also send us like uh pictures of deer outside of his window all the time, too. So I love that. Miss that too.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

Yes. Our parents, as they got older, the way they connected with us was I feel like for me personally, like my mom really changed from who the parent she was when I was a kid to who she was as an adult. She learned a lot of new things, and it it almost made her a better mom just being able to evolve and to accept me, you know. Cause, you know, I live a crazy life sometimes. And my mom loved me through all those transitions. So yeah, definitely. So how has grief changed you? Do you think you're the same woman you are before you dad passed?

SPEAKER_00 9:38

No. I think how you were saying it's made me uh, I am a lot more impatient, angry some days, but it's not I know it's temporary. It has only been almost seven months this month. So I know it won't last forever. I know it's just the motions of it, right? I don't think it's go I'm going to stay like this forever. I think that I still need to really get through it for me to like process. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Yeah. I feel like that's one of the reasons why I made this podcast. Because I felt like I wasn't getting through it. Like when I I never really thought about it or realized it until she was gone, that my mom was like literally my cornerstone. Like, if the world was going to straight shit, I could call her. She'd be there, tell her I'm breaking up with another dude, and she'd be like, all right, I'm coming to pick you up, but this gotta be the last time. But she'd always be there.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

So, like, not having her to gauge what it is, how I'm moving, I I definitely feel like I move a little bit more recklessly. I I don't care. I'm I'm more like, well, you have your mom. So, like, I don't. The person that would be here to tell me, like, Adrian, is that really the decision you want to make? And I'm thinking to myself, like, right now, I I'm sad. My mom is gone. And people tell me all the time, like, oh, you need to find like a mentor or something. And it's just like, I don't trust people. I trust my mom. And for her to not be here is painful. Like, it makes me feel like out of control. Like anything. It's just like she grounded me and she kept me where I needed to be to walk the path I was supposed to walk. And I don't have her. I don't have someone reminding me what I'm working towards. So I have to remind myself. And that's hard to keep myself on that track and also be sad as fuck. Like, that's honestly, it feels so crazy to me. Yeah. And we're two years in and it still feels just as fucking heartbreaking as the first day. Yep. Fucking sucks. All right. Have there been moments where grief made you appreciate life more? Moments where it made it and moments where it made you angry?

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Yes. Uh it's made me obviously appreciate who I do have still. Um anger. That's the tricky part for me is that I because like I tend to take it out on my husband, especially. And it's not that I'm even mad at him. Yeah. I'm just all the emotions, and then you don't know how to navigate it or where to. I'm mad. Okay, now what? Right. Just be mad.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Right, exactly. There's not actually something we can be mad at.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

No. Like you're just mad, and then you're stuck in it until whatever new emotion comes over you, and then you're not mad. You're just like, oh, being a fucking psycho for what? Yeah. Literally. Literally. I don't even know why I'm but how you were saying people tell you you've changed. I've heard that a few times, and it's like, hmm. What do you expect? Probably gonna be a little different. Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

A little bit. I don't know what to tell you. Right, exactly. Like you can love me through it or you can walk away. Right. Right. Definitely. It's totally up to you. I feel like since my mom passed, a lot of people that I thought would be here with me in the ringer. So many people like I I get it. People don't know what to say. Say something. Yeah. Like say anything. You don't even have to talk about my mom being dead. Reach out.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah, just want to check on you. Yeah. It doesn't have to be um direct and to the point. You could just be like, hey, just thinking about you. Yeah. So I want to make sure you're okay. But I feel the same way. I feel like I there's a lot of people who I thought would be, but you know, yeah. Unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

Yeah. It's interesting how grief is hard for it's hard for us to navigate. But seeing the people on the outside of us who aren't grieving, or maybe they are. Yeah. But seeing them try to figure out how to handle us in the midst of the grief, well, I don't need you to handle me.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

No.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Like I just need you to be there. Right. Like, hold space for me.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Definitely. Yeah. I think it is to a lot of people, I feel like. When I say hold space, they're like, what does that mean? Like you literally could sit in the same room with me and say nothing. Hold my hand, offer me some water, offer me a glass of wine, roll me a blunt, whatever the case may be, like you don't have to have words. I don't have words. I don't know what to fucking say. I don't know how to feel. Everything feels chaotic. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Sometimes it's just nice to be with someone.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Yeah, exactly. So, like, if you know someone who's grieving and you're not sure where to navigate, how to tiptoe. Don't tiptoe. Okay. We can hear the tiptoes, okay? We can hear all of it. Just like hold space. You don't have to have the answer. We don't have the answer. We don't think you have the answer.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Yeah, we're looking for answers. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

We're definitely not looking for answers because there's we're not children. We we understand what's happened. It's just a matter of figuring out. So, like now that we're here, what do I do to move forward? How do I move forward? And like, am I wrong to move forward without this person being here? That's my biggest thing. Can you really move forward? Exactly. That part. Can I move forward in a legitimate way? And that always feels like no. Just just no. I I don't think so at all. Like it's scary. I feel like it's just like being out on a boat and there's a storm. And like in the Bible, when God's like, come out to me, hope, take my hand. I'm like, Lord, I don't I don't even like the ocean, Lord. Like, there's a lot of creatures in here that you don't put in here, and you want me to come out on the water? Like, I can't, I can't. I'm trying to have the faith to take the steps. And I think that's why I'm here at just keeping the faith of just like I can be something better than what I am now. And I can still be a great version of myself without my mom. And I think that's hard for me to accept. Yeah. To know that this whole way here, she took a part in making me who I am. And now I have to make me by myself. That sounds crazy. Yeah. That's why this season is called raising them while raising me. Like literally. It's it's just it's a lot. It's it's heavy. Yeah. So next question. What's something people misunderstand about grief? If you could tell the world one thing, what would it be?

SPEAKER_00 17:57

That's a good question. Yeah. Because again, that kind of goes with we're not looking for answers. So I I for sure I don't know. I know that I think if people could be more kind to grieving people, or how we're saying just showing up. Yeah. It I think that is a big thing to just be there for your people. Definitely. Because they might seem fine. Like, oh yeah, they're out doing this, or they're doing like they look happy, but realistically, yeah, they live with it every day. Grief sits with you every day. Yes, you do have happy moments. Yeah. But for me, any is anyways, grief is consistent in my life daily. Yeah. I might not always cry, but I do feel it. And sometimes I do cry every day. Sometimes it's a little cry, like you were saying, like with songs.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

And that's I don't even know if that's a sad cry. I think that's more like, oh, he's with me. Yeah. And then there's days where I have these uncontrollable cries where you just feel like you have to let it out. But yeah, I think if people could just be more loving and kind to their people while definitely they're trying to figure this whole mess out.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Yeah. I think that's great. I that is a great bit of advice. I feel like the same. You don't have to understand where someone's coming from to show up. Like such an easy, simple gesture, like giving even two seconds of your time to recognize that you see that even a tiny bit I'm hurting. Yeah. You know. And if they're supposedly you're in your tribe, like why wouldn't you show up for them?

SPEAKER_00 19:53

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

You know? So I feel that definitely. All right. If you could spend one completely ordinary Tuesday with your dad, what would you do? No vacations, no birthdays, just a regular day.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Easy. I would just binge watch friends with him. Easy. We all got into that show because of my dad. So I would love to just spend the day watching friends with him. Definitely. Taking a few shots, probably.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yes. That'd be that sounds chill. Yes. I'd love that. I think for my mom, she became very big into her telenovelas, which is just so funny to me. So I'd probably be watching a telenovela with her and her telling me, because I then smoked some weed that her lip is tingling because somehow she is allergic to weed, which just was so funny to me. Cause I'm like, you didn't even smoke it. Right, exactly. Like you you're talking about the smoke coming off my shirt is making you have an allergic reaction, but she would just laugh with me, and that would be such a chill time. Like eat some food with her. Yeah. And just be relaxed. Yeah, that sounds super chill. That'd be like the best Tuesday. Tuesdays are always so chaotic, too. Okay. Let me see. What is something your parent gave you the death could never take away? I'll go first.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Um probably unknowingly gave me that it does not matter what odds are put against you. Whether you ain't got no mama, you ain't got no daddy, you ain't got support system. Like if you put your head down and you hustle, you can get it. You don't need no one to tell you they have to get it for you because if you are you got working legs and working arms and a brain that works, you can get it. And even in her older age, she got a PhD, which just lets me know like there is no end to learning. Like you, there's there's still so much stuff for us to learn. And if you're willing, it will make you so much more of a better person.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Um yeah, let's see up in L.

unknown 22:17

So

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Mine would be nothing that death could take would be that the love and knowledge of music he gave to all of us kids. I know the most random songs, lyrics, titles because of my dad. Really, both my parents. So the mix of genres is crazy. It would also be he always told me and my siblings that when we don't have anybody else, we have each other. And the day he passed, all of us in that waiting room like really proved that. Like just the love. No matter everything, it there's ten of us, there's tension, but we still showed up for each other. We hugged each other, we held each other. It wasn't just like little hugs, like really just loving each other. Yeah. And I'm very grateful that he always told us that because as much as they drive me crazy, I know that at no matter what time I can go to one of them or all of them, and we're still gonna show up for each other.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

So I think that's the best thing that and I I tell my kids that like when you guys have nobody else, you guys will have each other always. And I that's probably my favorite thing he's ever given to me.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

I love that. That is so true. Yes, having my siblings during the so I couldn't imagine navigating this without them. Oh no, like navigating grief without someone who knows how hardcore it is to love that person, yeah, because my brother doesn't really talk a lot about it, but me and my sister really are in conversation, and I know it's harder for her because she's younger, so she didn't have as much time. But just knowing that they understand the pain. Yeah. So if I text them and I tell them, like, hey, I'm fucked up right now, like I miss the shit out of them, and it's not fair that she's gone, and there are so many more people who are still here. Like, I just don't feel like it was her time to go, and they just chime right in super quick. I get it, I feel you, I understand. Yeah, and even if it's just for a second, like I can stop crying for one second because at least I have someone I can relate to that understands to that extent. Grief sucks. Yeah. Really fucking shitty. Like, damn. Two things they say are guaranteed in life is death and taxes, and it should be a third, grief. Definitely going to experience some grief if you truly love someone. In this exact season of your life, what do you hope they'd be most proud of?

SPEAKER_00 25:24

I hope I know he is, because he's told me, but I just hope he's still proud of my kids and the kind of mom that I am. I also hope that he's proud that I am going to school to get my bachelor's for social work. But yeah, I think just my kids mostly, but I know he's proud of them.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

He loves them a lot, so I think with my mom, like at different occasions asked all of us to do something for her. One of them being which that we all remain some type of friends that conversate because we be beefing. But it was to stand in the gap for my siblings. And I have always been told since I was little, she's always told me, like, you're my strong one. Like, you're gonna make it through a lot of things. And I always, when she said that to me, I remember thinking, like, please don't put this all on me to be there for them. Because I don't know how I'm gonna be there for myself. And like trying to stand in the gap. And I just hope that she's looking down on me and saying, like, I'm proud of you for finding a way to answer those calls in the middle of the night for your siblings when you're not calling people in the middle of the night because you don't want to bother them. And that just feels like heavy. But I know on my phone, I have on the very bottom of it, when you open your lock screen, it says, Mama would be proud. And I know that she would be proud of me just standing here today, making this podcast with you today, and just being able to speak my truth. And I'm only able to do that because of the things that she did before me. Definitely. So if you're listening today and you're grieving someone you love, I just want you to hear this. There isn't a right way to grieve. There isn't a timeline, there isn't a finish line. Some days you'll laugh, some days you'll cry, some days you'll feel guilty for laughing, some days you'll smile because you remembered something beautiful. All of that is normal. All of that is love. Because grief isn't proof that we're broken, it's proof that we loved deeply, and what a gift that is, even when it hurts. Before we go, I want to leave you with this. This week's still standing reflection. What's one memory of someone you love that still makes you smile? This week, tell that story, say their name, write it down, share it with your children, share it with a friend, because as long as we keep telling their stories, a part of them continues to live through us. Oh, and one more thing. Love never leaves, it simply changes the way we carry it. Thank you, Nikki, for being here with me tonight. Of course. I love you. I love you. Thank you for trusting us with your hearts today. Until next time, give yourself some grace. Keep growing through whatever season you're in. No matter what you're carrying today, keep growing, keep healing, and remember, you're still standing. Mom, hope I'm making you proud.