Episode 3

On this episode I get into my weight and all the things I went through growing up till now dealing with weight. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome back to Emily Lately. I am, of course, Emily. This week I'm gonna talk about um something heavy. My weight. Um that was probably a pun intended there. Anyways, so for as long as I can remember, I have been overweight. Growing up, I was the kid that was just chubby. As a teen, I was chubby. I was also called fat. I remember as a kid, and the kids in the neighborhood called me Hurricane Emily. And that was the year that they had named a Hurricane Emily. So, you know, kids being clever. That's what they called me. And they threw crab apples at me a couple times. That was fun. Um I remember my siblings they nicked me nicknamed me Fatty Boom Balattie.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

And I don't think that these kids or my siblings knew how much that it actually hurt me to be called these things. Um, but you know, kids aren't always the nicest.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

I remember one year when I was going back to school shopping with my grandma and she was telling me that I couldn't get a certain type of pants that I had wanted. I don't remember exactly what they were, but she told me that basically if I had lost some weight, then I could get them.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

But until then I wouldn't be able to look right in them.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

And I don't think that people really understood, like even stuff like that. Um my my grandma was like the best grandma that I could have. But she was always kind of focused on weight which later on in life it did come back to me, like with her. I'll get into that in a bit. But as a teenager, I wanted to be skinny because skinny meant you were pretty, you were popular, and I remember my freshman year, I had joined the volleyball team, and that meant working out like five, six days a week, and I wasn't eating all that much because I started seeing results that I was losing weight, so I was like, well, I'm gonna do everything I can to keep this weight off because I was in high school and I wanted to be that like popular person, though I didn't want to be like, you know, popular, popular. I just wanted to be like friends with everybody, and I kind of was in a sense where I was like friends with random like groups of people, but I ended up getting kicked off of the team uh probably towards the end of season. I remember it was like after past like mid-season, but the coach had uh found me and two friends who also were on the volleyball team, saw us outside smoking. And um she kicked two of us off of the team. The other one got to stay on the team because she was tall. So she was really good at like I don't know what do you call it, like spiking the ball at the net and whatever. She was a good asset to the team when it came to like height and whatever. So Yeah. So in 2008, I ended up quitting smoking and I gained like 70, 80 pounds in just like a matter of a few months. And like people were like, uh, this this isn't right. Like I was really swollen. It was just it was weird looking, and it was a lot of weight to just gain, like, all in just a few months. So I ended up going to the doctor because I knew that it was too much from just like quitting smoking. And after a bunch of tests and blood work, um found out that I have hypothyroidism, which means I have an underactive thyroid. And I remember my doctor telling me, like, I had the highest numbers like off the charts that she had ever seen in the clinic, and that since she had been there, and it she'd been there for like twenty-five years or something like that, and yeah, she didn't even understand how I was like awake and functioning at life. And yeah, so she kind of explained it to me how it was like when I quit smoking, it was kind of like I ripped a band-aid off. So I always had I probably always had something like wrong, and then I quit smoking, and it like ripped this band-aid off, which exposed what was going on with my body, really. And it ended up throwing all of the stuff like off kilter, I guess you could say, and exposed like all these bad things happening to my body. Eventually, um, the edema went away and I was able to lose a little weight. And um what I really lost was like all the water weight that I had gained. Um, because I had uh what they called pinning edema, which like mainly in my legs, and like if you like pushed in on my like my shin, it would like stay indented in for a while before it actually like hopped back. It was weird. And I remember you could even hear like the water in my body like sloshing. Oh, it's weird. I probably shouldn't say that. It's probably like a very gross um way to put it. Sloshing around. So um after I was had lost a little bit of weight from that, I remember at one point, I don't remember exactly how old I was, like late. No, probably it was like mid-twenties. Um, my grandma came to me and she asked me if I was willing to try Weight Watchers. My grandma had been on Weight Watchers, she was a member for I don't know, as long as I can remember. Um, to the point where she was like in her maintenance status and like she didn't have to pay for herself because when you're in maintenance and you maintain, you don't have to pay to be in Weight Watchers anymore. At least that's how it was back then and when I had first joined, who knows what they do now. Might be the same. But I remember the first time around, I probably lost like 60, 70 pounds, and it was great. Like I really, really liked it. And it was, it didn't bother me because I had like an app on my phone that tracked like all your points that you get. It would tell you like how many weekly points you had, and then your daily points, and you would get like extra points if you did certain exercises and all that kind of stuff. So it almost made it kind of fun. But I think at one point I just got a little cocky about it, and I was like, you know, I really I can just do this on my own. I don't need a membership for this, so I stopped. And eventually I gained the weight back, and it wasn't really from me eating more or like stopping like any exercises that I did, it was just something that happened to me, and people would say, well, it's because that I stopped Weight Watchers, but it was actually that my numbers were off with my thyroid. Um, anytime my numbers, even to this day, if they go up or down in the slightest bit to where I have to change the dose of my medicine that I take every day, I will gain like five, ten pounds, depending on how long it takes to realize that that I need to go get my labs done and figure out that that's the what the problem was. So I would adjust my meds, and I wouldn't really be able to lose, like I'd lose a couple pounds, but not what the full amount that I'd weighed, which is, you know, you'd think you'd be able to go down that five or ten pounds, but that's not how my body works, at least. And then I got pregnant, and I remember during my pregnancy, I really didn't gain like all that much weight, and um she ended up being um having to be born early, and um maybe that's why I didn't like gain the amount that I probably would have, because I know a lot of times that lasts like month or two months of at least the month last month of your pregnancy is when you start gaining a lot of weight, at least women I've known. But like after she was born, um I was able to lose pretty much all that weight. Um, all the water weight had fallen off, and I think maybe a year or so after she was born, I decided to um start Weight Watchers again. And I was on it for a few years. I think I lost about 50 pounds, maybe 60, and it was really good to lose that weight again and start feeling good about myself and all of that, but then COVID hit and all the meetings started to be online because obviously we couldn't do in-person meetings, which was one thing about Weight Watchers that really, really helped me was those in-person meetings. I don't know if it just like made like extra like accountability or what if it was just good for me to hear like all the stories of people going through the same thing that I was going through and same struggles, and they would hit like the same milestones, and we'd everybody would just be happy for each other and all that. But once it went to online meetings, I tried that for a month, and I just I hated it. It would not like give me that same positive feeling that in-person meetings did, and um eventually we were able to like go back to in-person meetings, but they started changing the program again, so I like was like, well, I just don't like the way that this is all changing and whatever, I'm just gonna stop again. So, you know, stopping and all that, yes, gained weight again. And I remember, you know, I was just like working out, I would eat like really healthy, or I wouldn't eat at all, which obviously that's not good for your body at all. But I mean, it didn't matter what I would do, I would gain weight, I would maybe lose five pounds, and then I would like nothing. And I was like, you know, something has got to give. So I had recently at that time started seeing a new primary doctor, and I was like, okay, well, you know, you've helped me a lot with getting my blood pressure and everything finally under control, and we're trying to get everything healthy again. I'm getting really frustrated with this, and I just want to be able to lose weight and keep it off. I want to be healthy, I want to feel good about myself, and all that. So she referred me to a bariatrics doctor. And I go and see this doctor, and um also like in that same appointment, I had uh talked with a nutritionist and everything. And the nutritionist was like, you know, as long as you're applying all this stuff, you it seems like you have the tools like in your head, you know what to do. And so um talking over with the doctor of what my options were, um, it was either medication or surgery. And I had decided that it would probably be best for myself to just try the medication first and see how all that worked before I even considered surgery. And we did everything, went over like each medication of what um I could be put on, what she felt comfortable with me being put on. There was a couple things because of my thyroid and having um high blood pressure, whether it's controlled or not, this other medication can affect that. So we decided on Zetbound. I was like, that seems like the best one, and I want to be put on that. Um oh wait, no, actually, sorry, scratch that. Um, before I did that medicine, she put me on a pill called metformin. And um the metformin was not helping me at all. I was in the bathroom constantly, and I was like, well, I mean, this should be helping me lose weight with all the amount of stuff that's coming on my body, and I shouldn't be holding on to any of it. And nothing was working with that, and I think maybe I lost like 10 pounds in like six months that I was on it. So when I went back for after six months, I went and did my check-in, and I told her, I was like, I'm not happy with these results. The medicine makes me feel gross, I don't like it, and that's when we decided Zetbound, which is an injectable instead of a pill. So I started on the Zetbound, I was on it for two years, and in that two years, I was able to go down 65 pounds, and it was really good. Um, even during a chunk of that time, I had like gotten like sick one part of the winter, I remember, so I like like I was so sick that I couldn't work out, and then when I got better, I was like not really motivated to work out as much and do what I was doing. But I was still able to like lose weight because I guess you know I was physical enough in like my day-to-day life that it somewhat helped that and the fact that the medication like prevents you from like overeating and because you feel fuller faster, and you you don't even really feel hungry all the time. And that's when you tend to like fill up on like proteins and stuff so that your body can get all that, and then of course that makes you feel fuller, anyways, for longer. So with all that, um I was feeling really good. I was down to my lowest weight this past January, January of 26 of this year. And I remember that because um it was like right before we had my class reunion, 25 class reunion. And that was like one of my goals. I was like, okay, I want to get below 200 pounds before I go to my reunion, and I made that goal. But then like a month or so later, I started gaining weight, which was weird because that's not what I was doing on Zetbound. Um along with gaining the weight, there was a number of factors of things that were happening on in my life. Mid-February, I lost my job. So I guess you know, the stress of all that stuff, and then the stress of filing for unemployment, being denied, and then having to do an appeal, but still winning that, and then the stress of going through grievance and arbitration with losing my job and trying to like make sure that I can like afford everything, like house payments and car payments and groceries and bills and all that being a single mom. And then also at the same time, I started back again with perimenopause, um like uh side effects, I guess you could say. Um, I had them for like a year prior for a couple years, but um it had stopped for pretty close to a year um when my daughter ended up getting her first period. I think something with her being on her cycle triggered something in my body to like start being on normal cycles again, which wasn't something That was happening for about a year and a half before all that. I would get it and then not get it for a couple months and yeah, going through all that lovely stuff. So I mean there's a number of factors of stuff. Maybe my body was getting used to being on Zbound. I don't know. Um I was on the highest dose for like a year, year and a half, I think it was. So there is a possibility that um it brings back like your what they call food noise and all of that. So I mean, it could have been any one of those or all of them combined together that made me start gaining weight, but I ended up gaining back 25 pounds. And here and there I will go up and down the same like two or three pounds. And even though at one point in my journey, I I weighed more than what I weigh now, and then I had gotten to the weight that I am now. And it didn't bother me then, but it bothers me now because I was less, and now I'm back to this. And it's like it's really frustrating. I had thought that I had found the one thing that was like gonna help me. It was my magical miracle drug that was helping me, and then something threw a wrench into those plans, and it just yeah. And I have troubles with self-esteem, which is kind of, you know, something people my age tend to do to have growing up the way that we all grew up with society thinking different things and all of that kind of stuff, you know. It's hard to get that out of your brain and rewire it and stuff. But yeah, so gaining that way back, I was like, ugh, I hate this, I need something. And also with losing my job meant I was losing my health insurance. Thankfully, even though I lost my job in mid-February, I had my insurance through the end of June or the end of May. And it was as of June 1st that I had to start doing um medical assistance until I can find a job with insurance again. So being on medical assistance, you know, because I don't pay for the stuff that I get, like my medications and going to the doctor and all that stuff, um they get to really choose what kind of medications you can be on and what they're going to approve. And the whole reason why I chose the plan that I chose was because it said that they would approve ZetBound with a prior authorization from your doctor being sent in. I did all that and still they denied it. They said if I were to do a three-month trial of each of these two different medications, one being Wagovi and another one being like Saxton or something like that, whatever the other drug is. Um both of those being injectables. And they said, you know, if you're on these for three months each and you don't get any results, then we will consider approving the Z bound again. So I am currently on the second month of being on Wagovi. Thankfully, I was able to start like in the middle of the how they do their dosage with Wagovi. I didn't have to start back at the beginning, but started in the middle, and now like I'm up a dose, and then next month I go up to uh the third dose. And hopefully by next month I'll start losing again, is what I'm hoping. Because I now at the dose I'm on, I'm able to kind of maintain um my weight. The food noise is there, but it's not there as much. And um I don't feel hungry. I can go long periods of time without feeling hungry. And then it's like, wait, did you eat today? And then make sure you eat enough protein and all that stuff to help you out. But next month I'll go up to the next dose and I guess we'll see how that goes. Hopefully it's good. Otherwise, after that, I can either choose, I think there's like another dose to go up, but then I can choose to stay there or start the other drug and do a trial of that for three months. Which I feel like would put me in the same predicament that I'm in now. So I also have been like with dealing with all this, I've been like in my head, like, well, should I just see if they'll cover surgery? And maybe that will be the better choice for me now. But I almost feel like it would help me lose weight, but then I might be back where I am now because it's I don't know. I just I know that I feel like shit when I gain the weight. And I feel like I should, you know, I should just be happy with what I am right now. I'm less than what I used to be, like less weight than what I used to be, but you know, some days I feel fat and I feel ugly. I feel like I'm just like bloated and gross. And then there are like some days where I feel really good in like whatever I put on for the day, and I feel like comfortable, and I feel pretty, and I feel like damn, why can't I feel this way all the time?

SPEAKER_00 29:38

But I mean, I think anybody goes through that. It's not just what I've been dealing with. I mean it's gotta be other people deal with this too. So yeah. A lot of women from my generation I think just feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

Being born in the eighties, growing up in the nineties, even the early two thousands, it was pushed in your face that pretty and sexy meant that you had to be a size zero to four. And I have never been a zero to four. And it like meant that, you know, some dickhead guy's opinion would make us like feel like shit if we weren't in a size four or under, and I remember one time I was in a size like eight or a ten, and I was had talked to some guy, and he was like, for some reason, had asked me like my weight. I don't even know why that was appropriate, but I was like, oh, I weigh this, and this is the size pants that I wear, and he was like, that's not thin at all, that's fat. And I'd be like, damn. Thanks, asshole. And it's stupid that somebody can make you feel like that about your own body. Like it's not their body. But I feel I I almost wish that like the generation, the current generation now, like they have a good idea of like body positivity and all that kind of stuff. And I wish it could be drilled in my brain, but it doesn't work like that.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

So I don't have the confidence all the time, like I want to. And yeah. In a way, but not fully and not the whole time. I feel like it somewhat helped me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

But I'm just gonna keep working at what I've been doing and hopefully I'll get back to what I was down to, maybe even less. Maybe the higher doses of Wagovy will just be that magical thing again. And actually, the other day I I joined a gym for the first time in like six years, maybe even more than that, like seven. I remember uh when we lived in an apartment before I bought my house. Like we lived in this apartment for about a year. And then the house we lived in before that apartment, we had a membership, and um but we ended up the the gym bias when we lived in Minatonka, like it ended up closing or something, I don't remember what it was, but um again, that was during COVID times and stuff, so maybe that's why we decided to stop going to the gym, who knows? But yeah, anyways, there's this new gym that's opening up by my house. Um it's a crunch fitness, and they had this really good deal where you could join for a dollar, a dollar for the first month, and then after that, for the package that I chose, it's only gonna be $30 a month, and you get to be like that, gives you access to certain classes, it gives you access to the RR stuff in the gym and um some other stuff that was on there. I don't remember. But I was like, you know, I feel like this would be a good time to to join because you get what they call like the the founders be or whatever, because they're just opening up. I think they open up um the end of this month, um like the 26th or something like that. So it'll be good, especially come winter time, because winter is the time where I don't really feel like working out at home. And I always have the excuse, like, oh, it's it's too cold or it's too icy, and so I don't go out and walk. And I used to be like a really like avid walker, like I would walk every single day, pretty much at least six days a week, if it wasn't seven. And me and my dog, my dog and I, we would walk at least three miles a day on the same little route. Every now and then I'd switch it up, but yeah, that's what we did every day, and it even helped build up my arm strength because I would have to pull him this big massive dog whenever we saw other dogs. Not that he wanted to attack or anything, but there was another dog. He needed to get to that other dog, he wanted to play with that other dog. Yeah. I was really hoping that this summer I would get back into walking, and I have gone on some walks, but there was like air quality alerts because we had the Canadian fire smoke coming down, and there's just been like several just hot days, and with my hot flashes and all that stuff, no thanks. I'm not walking out in that. So I think it's gonna be really good that I have this gym membership, and I'm paying for it, so that gives me more of an incentive to go because I don't want to waste money. I don't like to waste money. Not like that at least. So yeah, I think it's gonna be really good.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

And then hopefully I'm going to be able to start losing weight again. Because yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

That's what I need to make me not make me help me feel good about myself, being comfortable in my own skin. Along with joining the gym. Um, last week I also went to my primary doctor and we started with all the blood work and stuff to figure out um whether I'm going through perimenopause or I'm going through very early menopause. And once we figure all that out, um, there's one thing I have left to do, which is this lovely medication to see if it can trigger a cycle. If it does trigger me to have a cycle, then it means with my due to what my lab numbers were, I'm in perimenopause. And then we know what to put me on when it comes to like a hormone replacement therapy. Um, which uh my doctor and I were like, okay, well, you know, we're gonna wait and see what results are and what we come up with, but the patch seems to be my best choice because of having my um controlled high blood pressure and all that stuff. And even so, we just I get to monitor myself anyways at home with my blood pressure because I have my own machine cuff, whatever, to check that. So yeah, once I get put on HRT, I'm gonna feel hopefully so much better. The fatigue will go away, I'm told. And a lot of my body aches and stuff, and yeah, I think that's gonna help me a lot. And I'm just trying to think very positive about it because it's not gonna be it doesn't do me any good to think negative, feel negative, and whatever. But yeah. So I'll keep you updated on what happens in the future with all that stuff. I suppose once I get put on something and then I start seeing what the results are and everything, maybe that'll be a future episode of my journey through perimenopause and all that stuff. So I know that's something that a lot of my friends have been going through, are starting to go through, and all that stuff, you know, since we're all at the same age. We're close to it.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

So I definitely will be keeping you up to date.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

I'm sure that it'll help a lot of people. So, yeah, I think that's a good stopping point for this episode. So make sure to come back next week, and we'll see what I talk about then. Until then, I hope that you enjoyed this episode, and I hope you have a good week. Thanks. Bye.