Shay Unfiltered

Shay Unfiltered: E01- Let's Get Reel

• Shay • Season 1 • Episode 1

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In the premiere episode of Shay Unfiltered, Shay and her fiancé Ryan introduce the podcast and explain their mission: creating honest, unfiltered conversations about relationships, communication, and the issues many couples are afraid to discuss. While they aren't relationship experts, they share their experiences, perspectives, and lessons learned in hopes of helping others strengthen their own relationships.

Using a viral Instagram reel about choosing a phone over cuddling as a starting point, they explore what physical affection often means to men, why repeated rejection can lead to feelings of unworthiness, and how those experiences can quietly affect men's mental health. The conversation also examines the importance of mutual accountability, respectful communication, and recognizing that healthy relationships require effort from both partners.

Shay reflects on mistakes from past relationships and shares insights that have transformed her current one, emphasizing how small changes, open communication, and a willingness to set pride aside can make a significant difference. If you've ever struggled to feel heard, understood, or connected in your relationship, this episode is for you.

SPEAKER_02

Hello, hello, happy, beautiful, and blessed. I am gonna say today is Monday because it is. Um, but I'm not always gonna know the day. If you've followed me on Instagram, you know that I always forget what day it is, so here we go. Uh this is Shay Unfiltered. I am Shay. This is Ryan, my fiance, and uh we are gonna talk real, real connection, real conversation, really unfiltered. So uh here we go.

SPEAKER_01

Ready when you are. Why are we here? Let's start there.

SPEAKER_02

Why are we here? Okay, so first off, I am not a professional. Uh this is just all about my experiences. I am 42 years old. Uh uh. My young buck over here is 35.

SPEAKER_01

Uh for a minute, I really thought you got my age wrong. I was gonna light you up, but you're right, I am 35.

SPEAKER_02

I had to think about it for a second, I'm gonna be honest. Um, and I was married for 17 years uh in a relationship after that, then single, and then I met Ryan about almost two years ago.

SPEAKER_01

The greatest day of her life.

SPEAKER_02

We'll go with that. No, it really is. Uh, or was. Um so I'm not coming at you with not a ton of experience, not professional experience, but I do have experience in relationships because I have been in a few of them. Um however, I have noticed that there are everybody walks around blaming men for all their problems in relationships.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I think that they recognize the faults in men while simultaneously being unable to recognize the faults in themselves or what they may be able to do differently.

SPEAKER_02

Right. So I'm here for the unfiltered truth and reasons why your man has stopped doing what you want him to do. Um, and it's gonna be great. It's gonna be things that are gonna make you angry at me. I get it, I would be angry if I didn't feel the same way too. But I'm here for different perspectives and opinions, and um that's kind of what it's gonna be about. So I want to touch on a reel that I posted um the other day. It got about 120,000 views, lots of comments. I know that's not a lot out there. You're like, okay, that's not a lot. I get it. People get millions, but um there were it was a lot of.

SPEAKER_01

Some feelings were hurt with that one for sure. There was.

SPEAKER_02

So the reel, if you um don't follow, you can follow me at Shay C on Instagram. Um, I will have um.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna put it right here. It's gonna be right. Right at the plant. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, cool. It's gonna be right there when we're done. Also, it's gonna be um I have a YouTube and I have TikTok, but I have not been posting on TikTok, so please don't go visit my TikTok because nothing's there yet. Um so the it was what he wants versus what he gets. I might have reversed that, so don't quote me. Um, but basically it was me on my phone and you asking for cuddles, and I was like, no, my phone's more important, which is what we do. I mean, it could go both ways for sure. I'm not saying that women are always wrong. I'm just saying this is the stories and the heartache that I've heard from men of things that happen um in their relationships, which is being ignored. Uh, women I think always go to the fact that men instantly want to have sex. You touched me, you want to have sex, and it's not the right time. I'm not in the mood, I don't want to do it, I'm tired.

SPEAKER_01

Well, yeah, but that there's a whole nother rabbit hole for that, too. Because us as men, we like to be burly and I don't have emotions and I don't have feelings, but we do, and we're actually very, very emotional creatures when we're allowed to be, right? Okay, but what happens is most men do want to cuddle because that's how we feel accepted, that's how we feel connected.

SPEAKER_02

Which is funny because usually most women want to cuddle, right?

SPEAKER_01

We're exact opposite. You're you, she cannot stand it.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know if it's because I was single for more than for longer than I was I've been with him or what, but I do not like to cuddle. I am pre-menopausal, and he is like a heating blanket, which I love because I'm always cold. However, I love to heat my feet up on him and not my whole body, so I am not a cuddler.

SPEAKER_01

We have a pillow in our bed that we have named Pamela, and that is what I'm allowed to cuddle when it's bedtime for the majority of the time that she is not amenable to cuddling before bed.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, did you just use a big word?

SPEAKER_01

Amenable, not willing, not able, not wanting to.

SPEAKER_02

Let's still let's dumb it down, not for them, but for me, okay?

SPEAKER_01

But so as men, they they we feel accepted when that happens, right?

SPEAKER_02

Right, and you feel rejected when we're like, no, thank you. I'm gonna be on my phone scrolling away. Like, what is so important on this that when your man asks for a cuddle, that you don't just give it to him, or you just like, I get it. If you're putting the kids to bed and he's like, Can we go cuddle? Well, after the kids are in bed, but if we're in bed together and now again, it kind of goes back to where I think a woman's mindset is oh my gosh, he just he just wants to have sex, and it's like so have that communication open, like hey, listen, it's late, you know, the kids were wild. I feel like those are all excuses you should have sex with your man, but regardless, even if he is just wanting to cuddle, like put your phone down and cuddle. You could literally, I think I cuddled with him the other night for like five minutes. Yeah, like five whole minutes.

SPEAKER_01

It was a complete recharge. I was great, I was a different person afterwards, right?

SPEAKER_02

And I think that even me, like being someone who's not a cuddler, I'm like, oh, maybe I should cuddle more because that was kind of nice. Like it felt like we were connected, and and ladies, he did not ask for sex, he was not, he didn't, he just wanted to cuddle, and so my point kind of goes back to what is so important that's on our phones that we can't stop and cuddle with our men to recharge you, recharge him.

SPEAKER_01

Recharge your connection with each other, right?

SPEAKER_02

Like because again, it doesn't always have to be about having sex, it's just about like the intimacy that you guys share together.

SPEAKER_01

And that we we have a different kind of relationship where two out of the three kids are full-grown adults, and my daughter is not here as often as we'd like. So you don't have that I'm worn out, shot out from the kids, but so we get to do things together to have that connection more frequently than most, but this is for the people who don't in the lives that you have when you're with your kids all day, your man is working all day, your kids have been crazy all day. What other moments do you have to get that connection with your spouse?

SPEAKER_02

Right, and and I get it because I was married for 17 years to my um second husband and the father of my children.

SPEAKER_01

Third time the charm.

SPEAKER_02

Um, you know, so I get the tired. I also worked. I was not a stay-at-home mom ever. I worked up at least 20, let's say 28 to 30 hours a week. So it wasn't like full time, but it was enough of I was working, and I was still taking care of the kids because he worked all day too, and he worked more than I did. So it was taking care of the kids and bath time and you know, dinner and figuring all that out. And I've learned a lot along the way. Yeah. So I know what it's like to be tired. Um, I also know what it's like to be with men who have high sex drives. And and I'm not saying I don't for 42. Uh, I think that the pre-menopause hasn't taken that away yet. So that's awesome. Thank you. I think we're good. Yeah. So, you know, it's just it it comes to a point, I feel like, and I feel like I'm all over the place because this is my first I'm a I'm a podcast virgin.

SPEAKER_01

So this is I wouldn't know if you didn't tell me.

SPEAKER_02

Really? Yeah. I mean I feel it. So um I just it my podcast is not gonna be for everybody. What I'm saying is not gonna be for everybody, but there is just a lot of women out there, I think, that one take advantage of their men to sit there and complain about them, but what have you done for him lately to you know have that reciprocated? And I feel like there's a lot of tit for tat where like I'm not gonna do that for him because he didn't do that for me.

SPEAKER_01

And you know, there a lot of what women say I can understand, even as a man, right? I'm I'm on your team right now, like I but I can get part of it because not to be self-deprecating here, but you have a man who is not the typical man, right? That is true. I'll come home and do the dishes because I'm home early, all vacuum the floors, I'll text you, hey, I'm gonna be home early. Was there anything that that's stressing you out that you wanted done around the house, right? Right, but most men don't do that, and women feel like they have another child, and it stresses them out. The man can do more too.

SPEAKER_02

They can. Oh, absolutely. This is not just me. I'm not for one blaming anything on women, but it takes two. So this is not me like, but I feel like men don't always have a voice, and especially have a woman who voices their men's concerns because you know, a lot of it is men voicing their own concerns and women just don't care to listen. But a woman who is voicing a men's concern, whether it be yes, men's mental health, which I am a huge advocate for, um, sex in a relationship for sure, communication, and y'all, I am not the best communicator. Like he is a better communicator than I am, and he pulls the communication out of me. So there's I'm not perfect by any means. Um, and again, let me reiterate, I am not a professional.

SPEAKER_01

Even in that vein of communication, right? Go back to the sex thing.

SPEAKER_02

You've course always brings it back to sex. You typical man.

SPEAKER_01

So you have a man who is voicing to you, hitting on you, trying to make moves, trying to at least he's actively communicating his needs. If you're a woman who is angry and irritated, when is the last time you went to your man and said, Hey, I need help. I need you to do this for me. I need you to not do this. If you were to actively communicate your needs, your man will go out of his way to get them done. I promise.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, it depends on the type of communication though. Because let's be honest, as I was like, hey, I need this from you and this from you and this from you, but then I was like, you're not getting it. So then you would be less likely to be motivated to do not even tit for tat. Yes, it is tit for tat, but it's also the way we speak to our men. Like, yeah, we need better communication and better ways of speaking properly. I don't want to say properly to our men, but like respectfully. Respectfully, I love that word. That is correct.

SPEAKER_01

If a lot a lot of the women I've seen, particularly on social media and things of that nature, right? If men spoke to their women the way those women speak to their men, the women would be gone. Or their her friends would be like, girl, you need to leave him. He's abusive. I can't believe he talks to you that way. But women speak to their men the same way, and we're just supposed to take it and accept it. What women don't realize is when when we come home from work, you're a safe place. You're you're the person that we chose to be with that's supposed to be that peace and rocket foundation. I just got mother-f'd by my boss all day long, and I had customers screaming at me, and I had a guy who didn't know we're on job sites or as a tradesman anyway, or working doing whatever we're doing, being berated most of the day, that's the last thing we want from our wives. And if that's what we get, it's gonna get us into shutdown mode. Whereas if it was more openly and effectively communicated needs, we'd be much more receptive to do them.

SPEAKER_02

Right. And that's what I think. I think that if we spent more time learning how to communicate properly instead of berating our men and demanding or being like I don't I want to say if we came to them and we were like, I just really need your help. Right. I really, you know, need this and need that, but maybe also reciprocate the fact that he needs to get laid. And I mean, that's such a motivator. Are we not are we wrong?

SPEAKER_01

I mean the first reel you had, I think, that went big. No, it wasn't that one, it was a different one, but yeah, the one where so she she has one, and I'm gonna encourage you guys again. We're gonna reference a lot of things from her social media on here, and uh following them and watching them. I'll do it, I'll do it again right there at Chase. Um there was one where it was, you know, I'm just sitting on the couch, I've got this angry look on my face, I'm scrolling my phone, I'm like, I look irritated. She grabs me, she brings me to the bedroom, I walk back out, I'm putting my shirt on, and I pick up a vacuum. And that's a real thing, right? And it comes back to women think about it as sex. For us, it's the connection, right?

SPEAKER_02

Right, but it's sad that we as women are like, I have to have sex with him, or I that's what he always wants. Like, I want my man to want me. Like, if you don't want me and you're not showing that you want me, and be but it goes back to rejection. Yeah. And it goes back to the fact that if you're um constantly rejected for that, you're gonna stop trying. So then we wonder why our man doesn't want us and why we're not why they're not trying and why they look miserable all the time. And here you are, you have the answer in your pants. Literally, like it's there, like it's in your pants, and it's just it literally just takes 30 seconds, ladies. Really, no. I but I mean uh it really doesn't have to be this like elaborate thing, like no, and what I've learned is sometimes you need something that's different from what I need.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, absolutely, right?

SPEAKER_02

Like, you need to get laid, and for me now or in general, all the time in general, now in general, you know. And for me, I might be like, listen, it's I'm not doing this for me today, this is for you. Like, I'm just not in that space because women do have to be in that space. I totally understand. You have to be in the right like mindset, and you have to feel good, and there's so many other things I get it that like come into play when we're about to have sex with our man. However, if your man wants you and needs you and is like all about you, then take that time to communicate. Hey, this one's for you. It may not happen for me today. I'm just not in that right mindset, but I know that you need to be taken care of, so let's do that for you. Hey, but later, can you just rub my back? Because my back is really sore, and that's the type of you know, intimacy that I need and the connection that I need. And then you know, one, he already got it, so he's not gonna ask for it again when he's rubbing your back. That time is about you because you gave him the time that he really needed that recharged him, and um, I just feel like that is so important. So as we keep going, I don't want to like bounce around to too many things.

SPEAKER_01

I need to kind of before you move off that. There's the what when men attempt to or initiate sex and get turned down, it becomes at that point no more about the physical act, right? Right. The act of sex and more about the constant feeling of rejection and unworthiness.

SPEAKER_02

Or not being feeling wanted.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Your man may be mopey and irritated and grouchy and pissy, not because he hasn't gotten laid, but because he feels like you don't want him anymore. Yeah, you're the one person who's supposed to want him all the time, and every time he wants you, you just don't want him anymore.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, no, I mean that's something that we should definitely dive deeper in um for sure, because I think the rejection and um I think a lot of that comes into men's mental health, and that's where we come in. I think it's like it's kind of like here, I'm gonna do a correlation. Ready, ladies? It's kind of like IBS and anxiety, it's all it's all related. And it's like I have anxiety about my stomach hurting, so my stomach hurts, and then I'm even more anxious. And I feel like the more that men ask for sex and they're rejected, and then you know, then their mental health goes because now their self-worth is down because you don't want them, and and you can't they can't go anywhere else. They don't loyal men can't go anywhere else. Loyal men don't want to go anywhere else. Loyal men want the woman that they chose to be with, and you're just like no, thank you.

SPEAKER_01

And I a little I've been on both sides of this fence, right? I am where I am now, and I've been in You've been on the side of not getting sex and getting lots of sex, but I mean but it's again, it once the word sex comes into play, it becomes about the act, not the meaning. Right. And I'm a completely different partner and man in this relationship with you than I was in a different one where I felt neglected. I would come home all the time, and in my head I'd be doing dishes like, I don't know, I guess work here, right? Like it's a real feeling that it's it's so much more than just the the act.

SPEAKER_02

Right. So we kind of squirreled, which it sounds like my brain, all the time, and the different like you start one conversation and you go down this road and then it turns into this road and then other road. Um sometimes men just want to cuddle a lady going back to that. Really? Um so I feel like um we're going to definitely get into a lot of other things. I feel like people are not gonna like me. I probably have more guy friends than girlfriends at the end of my podcast. Um, but again, I just feel like there's not a female advocate for men, and I feel like it's time that we start advocating for our men and we start doing better by our men, and then we watch our men flourish and and be the best men for us in our family. And I feel like that's definitely um I don't want to say, oh, that's definitely what's happened in our relationship.

SPEAKER_01

But like it has though. Like you own what's yours, right? Own what you do right. Like, don't don't take that away. Like it's not your fault, and it's not your doing, right? Obviously, you're doing something right, so it's okay to say that, like and I haven't always like let's again, let's just put it out there.

SPEAKER_02

I'm not perfect. I was married for 17 years, I was not always the best wife, and um, I wasn't always the best girlfriend when I just had a boyfriend. So um we learn, we make mistakes, we try better, we we change, we grow. Um, I thought I was pretty perfect in this relationship until I started reading a book, and now I'm like, oh, I do that. And so I'm gonna be excited to kind of touch on that book a little bit. Um, I have like four pages of key points because they're just so good. It's such a good book. Um, and so I think that's something that maybe we'll touch on soon here.

SPEAKER_01

But I mean, I've no my my our relationship has in the past I'd say week and a half. Not there's anything wrong with it, not that we didn't already have a great real relationship, but I told you yesterday it's gotten better right over the past week and a half. In ways that I didn't even know needed to get better or could get better because of the little things that you see, and you're like, oh yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_02

And I'm like, ooh, I'm like, I cringe. I'm like, ooh, I did talk to him like that. Like, I did say that that way. And like, why wouldn't I have a nice response back from that? And like, I don't know, ladies, I just feel like there's a lot of things that we could do differently in our relationship. And I feel like if we just start doing some small things, and listen, you might have one of those men that don't isn't open to the changes or doesn't see the changes, and you feel like you do it all for nothing. And you know what? I'm sure there might be some men out there, but I feel like if you are married and in a good, like you were in a good or you're in a long-term relationship, or you're married, or you know, I feel like there's little things that we could change that I wonder if we started changing in our relationship, if we would see a change in our men, and then things would get better.

SPEAKER_01

So I think that I think that will that that would have to happen, right? No relationship started out bad.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

No one no one started talking to somebody or spending time with somebody and was like, this person makes me miserable. I want this every day. Right. Right. Right. No relationship has always been bad. Yeah. Which means if it was good before, something happened.

SPEAKER_02

Right. And so that's where I think that we come in or I come in, like, I want to find out or uncover the disconnect that we're having in our relationships with our men so that way we can figure out how we can play a part of making it better and helping our men to make the really, you know, like it does take two, it is 50-50. And sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and start making changes so that your man will start seeing that and make those changes back. And then, you know, you can see your relationship uh grow and flourish. And that's kind of what this is really about is is changing the way you look at your relationship as a woman with a you know, um, and and change it for the better and appreciate, respect, love your man because you will get so much more out of your relationship when you do some things definitely different than probably what you're doing now.

SPEAKER_01

And a lot of it's putting, I think, pride aside. And put I I do that often.

SPEAKER_02

I hate being the bigger person all the time, but it ha you have to sometimes you don't know what you don't know until you know.

SPEAKER_01

Look who did I say it? Did I say it right? Did I say it? So that's something I say all the time. Like, you don't know what you don't know, man. Like it's not, and so well done.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, so you could be saying something or doing something, and men aren't just going to always vocalize it, or they have, and you didn't listen. And uh, you know, they're gonna vocalize things or they're gonna do something, and and you just have to kind of pick up on those cues. I think that I lost my train of thought of where I was going this year.

SPEAKER_01

I remember where you were going, right?

SPEAKER_02

Welcome to Shea Unfilter. Completely unfiltered.

SPEAKER_01

Worst case scenario. You watch your reels, you watch this show, you pick up the book that you've been reading, you do all of these things and nothing changes, you're in the same miserable place you are now. Right. But look at the opposite.

SPEAKER_02

Then maybe it's time for real counseling and not watching Shea Unfiltered's podcast.

SPEAKER_01

If worst case scenario, you're in the same place you are now. But best case scenario, things are a million times better, then do that thing.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

I look, that's my motto all the time.

SPEAKER_02

Because if you're miserable, why wouldn't you want to make something less miserable? Right. That, you know, I mean, I'm gonna assume that you still love him, and I'm gonna assume you're you're not just there for the kids still. Um they might be able to do that. Maybe you are, or you're not just there for the money. But if those are the cases, then you should seek professional help because I can't help you. But if you want a happy marriage or a relationship and you want to make small changes and just kind of see, then you're in the right place. Again, you're not gonna always love what you hear, but maybe it'll help, and you know, you can love me or hate me, but I'm still gonna it's okay to love her and hate her.

SPEAKER_01

Some days I do both within the hour.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibility. So uh I'm gonna open my book to see, because you know, I have a goldfish brain, if you guys don't know.

SPEAKER_01

As you do that, what what I was just saying was I that's kind of like a motto that I have in life, right? If worst case scenario, you're in the same place you are now, and your life can't get worse, then do that thing, do do whatever it is, do the thing because what's more important, your pride about having to be right and having to make him see things your way, so then you can say you beat it into him, or your happiness in your future, right?

SPEAKER_02

Right, right. Um, did I with that real did I talk about even when we don't want to do it, do in any way? I think I touched on that a little bit.

SPEAKER_01

You you you touched on it a little bit, but so I'm even with you, you've heard me say this, and I want your thoughts on this out here, but I feel like I'm I'm not gonna use the word that I'm going to use because that that's not that feels very um dirty, not in a good way. When it's it it's a word that rhymes with um grapey. When your woman's like, I'm not into this, but here, you do it, right? Like, I personally don't where are you going with this? When you do it.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like you went off on the I don't know where you just went.

SPEAKER_01

Even if you don't want to do it, do it anyway.

SPEAKER_02

Right. I meant more about the real about cuddling.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, never mind.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I mean, I also feel that anyway. I feel like even if you don't want to do it, do it anyway, because I feel like it's kind of like when you don't want to go out, and then you do, and you have a really good time, and you're like, I should do that more. I really did what I feel like that's what you should do. Like, if you don't want to do it, do it anyway. Because guess what? You're probably gonna have a really good time.

SPEAKER_01

So what and if you don't, then maybe there's you need some friends, bring in some, bring in some little helpers, like a but listen, toilet for your friends. Um, but what I mean is if that's how you feel in that moment, right? Maybe don't vocalize it in that way.

SPEAKER_02

No, I definitely wouldn't vocalize it. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't vocalize, like, but there's also that, like, I know that when it comes down to sex and you want to make sure you complete the deed for her, but if she might not be able to get there that day, I feel like that's a good point of conversation because it's like, hey, listen, this is for you. I'm in it, but I just don't know if I'm going to complete the race.

SPEAKER_01

Right. I'm I may not finish, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I may not finish. So, like, this is for you. I want you to enjoy it. This is what you need. And again, as we go back, like sometimes there's times where I just need a background, and I'm like, can you just do that for me later? Like, let's do this. And honestly, probably more time than none, I finished, I finish. So, so I mean, in all fairness, yeah. Take credit where it's due. Um, but I think that probably wraps it up for this first episode of Shea Unfiltered. We're gonna put my uh YouTube information and my Instagram information, or he's going to, I'm not we. No, you'll learn. Okay. I don't want to, but anyway, uh he's gonna do all that so that you guys can follow me on my Instagram. Once I start posting on TikTok, you can then follow me there. And um, I hope you guys enjoyed it, and I hope you'll be back for episode two.

SPEAKER_01

I'm ready for it.

SPEAKER_02

Are you?

SPEAKER_01

I think I am.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I'm excited. All right, bye.