Welcome to toddlers Made Easy. This is the spot for no fluff, simple, research-based, 15 minutes or less parenting lessons to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. I'm Dr. Catherine, a general and consulting pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the mother of four amazing kids and a great big golden doodle. Today we're going to explore why many parents struggle with setting boundaries even when they're using a gentle parenting approach. Loughing our kids, boosting their self-confidence, making them feel really happy, well that comes easily for most of us. Setting and holding boundaries? Well, many parents struggle with this. So let's look at why kids need limits in the first place. Toddlers are really just big babies, and they need us to set limits to keep them safe and healthy. Now it may seem like your toddler wants to be the boss because they're desperate for power. But when they get their way, they often can't handle it. And that's when getting what they asked for only seems to increase the chaos. For instance, your child cries for the blue cup, well, give it to him, and then it's no, I wanted the red cup, and then no, it was the blue cup, no, the red cup. Well these moments are actually a cry for help. Your child actually wants you to be in charge. They want you to make the decision because they can't. Limits also help a toddler feel safe and secure in their world. Too much power is actually really uncomfortable. For example, Chelsea is three years old. She loves books, and she especially loves them when her mom reads to her at bedtime. Recently she's wanted the same book, Good Night Moon, to be read over and over and over. But the problem is she's really exhausted by the time she gets into bed, and she's in that ugh I'm so tired I can't think straight frame of mind. Well her mom is really tired too, and she has so many things to do before she can go to bed. She doesn't want to keep reading, but she's worried if she stops. Chelsea will get upset and it'll take her even longer to get her to go to sleep. Chelsea doesn't want to say goodnight because it'll be so long till she sees her mom again, or at least that's what she thinks or that's how it feels to her. But she doesn't want to keep reading either because she's so tired. She really doesn't know what she wants, and Chelsea becomes more agitated as she's torn between wanting to keep her mom close and wanting to go to sleep. And as her behavior deteriorates and her demands increase, her behavior is really saying Mom, do something. You make the choice because I can't. Limits help children deal with difficult feelings, which is an important life skill. And we need to let our kids feel all these feelings and not try to make sure they're happy every single solitary moment. And sometimes parents have difficulty setting limits because they're worried they're going to hurt a child's wonderful spirit. But setting limits actually frees a child to explore and participate and to relax and to enjoy their world. Boundaries provide structure and they keep life predictable, which helps kids feel safe and secure. When children are allowed to make choices and decisions within clear boundaries, well they feel empowered and they feel valued, which can really work to help improve self-esteem. Boundaries are also part of learning respect and trust. They provide structure and help children understand what is expected of them. Okay, so there's obviously many reasons to set boundaries, but why is setting limits so darn hard? Well, many parents feel guilty saying no to their kids. I know this one very well, I still feel that way and my kids are adults. We all want to be good parents and make our children happy, but setting boundaries means saying no to our children, which can upset them even though it's really hard to do. As a result, many parents avoid setting boundaries because they just don't want to disappoint or upset their children. Sometimes parents worry that their kids won't like them if they say no, and this unfortunately leads to more misbehavior and children who don't take the word no very well. I liked this Chinese proverb, so I'm going to share it with you. Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes. The next reason why many parents find it so hard to set boundaries is that parents will avoid saying no in an attempt to skirt a tantrum. It's completely understandable that you'd do anything to avoid a tantrum, but the behavior that follows when you do this repeatedly, it's pretty cringe worthy, to be honest with you. Parents may also not want to be seen as the bad guy or as controlling or punitive. And then a really practical reason is sometimes we're just so exhausted and worn out that it's easier to cave in than set a boundary. Sometimes parents are uncomfortable with a child's intense feelings and they avoid setting a boundary because they can then avoid those feelings. Lastly, many parents don't want to upset or disappoint kids. It feels better to make them happy. But since we know that limits are so important, let's spend some time discussing how to set limits or boundaries in ways that don't leave us feeling really guilty. Kids need lots of freedom to explore and be independent and make mistakes, and at the same time, they need to know we're in charge. When a toddler has too much freedom, they let us know with their behavior and their bodies. They become cranky and clingy and whiny and difficult. So when you're going to set a limit or a boundary or correct your child's behavior, get down to your child's eye level. Don't scream across the room. Now, if you've already taken my course, then you know about the easy game plan for managing tricky toddler moments. We're going to apply this strategy to help with setting boundaries. And I'm going to quickly review the easy game plan for anybody who's not familiar with this strategy. So Easy is an acronym to help you calmly and effectively manage tantrums and boundaries and aggressive play and really any toddler correction. E is for evaluate, A is for acknowledge, S is for stick to boundaries, and Y is for yes. We're going to use this Easy game plan now to set and hold boundaries. It'll make more sense to anyone who has not used it before once we go through this process. So E for evaluate, and this is where you're really evaluating yourself. You're going to take stock, take a moment, ask yourself, notice, are you all rev up? If so, take a few deep breaths and let your nervous system calm down before saying a word. This can be done really in a few seconds. Be calm, clear, and confident when you're ready to step into the situation. Remember, kids love to feel powerful. So if you respond with a huge reaction to their behavior, it'll likely cause this behavior to increase down the road. Next comes acknowledging your child's feelings. This is really important as it's how you connect with your child, which is an important step before correcting them. So saying something like, you seem angry, you seem sad. Just naming a child's feelings, it helps them to understand them. The S now is for stick to boundaries. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to pull Jack's hair. I'm just gonna move you over here because I don't want anyone to get hurt. So you see, you acknowledge your child's feelings, but then you stick to the boundaries. And finally, the Y is for yes, and this is where we find an activity your child can do. Let's go check on Jack. When you go check on Jack, you can model an apology for your child and then send the kids off to play. This final step is not only one where you can teach them, but it also helps a child to feel, well, well I can't do one thing. There is something else I can do. And so it helps kids not carry grudges and it helps them to be optimistic. Now, realistically, you're gonna get pushback. Toddlers are wired to test the limits. Here's where you need to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you're the gentle leader and respond to resistance with calm confidence. Remember, having too much power is really scary for kids. Limits help kids feel safe and secure. And I want to give you another little tip. If you sometimes give in, you're teaching your child that it's worth persisting, pleading, and whining because no doesn't really mean no. Now, as I'm writing this podcast episode, I'm thinking about my daughter. She's pregnant and she's due in a few months. She's a little nervous about what to expect as this is her first child. And then it hits me, there's really another aspect of setting boundaries that I want to discuss with you. And this is more around personal boundaries. Having a child doesn't need to mean losing your identity. You're not being selfish for taking care of yourself. When parents think of self-care, they typically feel selfish. But you deserve time for yourself, whether it's to sit down and put up your feet, read a book, finish off some work, go out for a walk, just because you're a parent doesn't mean your needs don't matter. You need and deserve time for you. In fact, I'd go so far to say that you're being a good role model by treating yourself with respect. This is difficult for many parents, and possibly even more so for those who work outside of the home. But you need to invest in yourself as well as your family. You're a mother, a partner, a friend, a sibling, and all of those parts of you deserve time and nurturing. This isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. When you're running on empty, it's hard to be a gentle leader. So if you struggle to devote time to yourself, realize your kids benefit from this in the long run. Your kids are watching, so ask yourself, what lesson do I want to teach my kids about what it means to be a mom? Thank you for joining me today. Remember to use the easy game plan to help you set and stick to your boundaries. And be realistic. Change doesn't happen overnight. When you're setting boundaries, remember to be consistent, calm, and confident. Be the gentle leader. Now, if you're looking for more support with these tricky toddler moments, check out my online course that has the same name as the podcast. It's the toddler made easy, the online course. And you'll find the link for this in the show notes. Have a wonderful week, and we'll talk again soon!