You're listening to Toddlers Made Easy, an expert-guided podcast for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed by a toddler, or in other words, all of us. Parenting a toddler is really tough, and I'm here to help. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 32 years of experience and a month of four great kids. I love explaining toddlers and giving you the practical tools, knowledge, and crucial support you need to become the parent every kid wants. Each week you can tune in for simple, actionable strategies, scripts, and practical tips, all in bite-sized chunks because I know your time is precious. So be sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's not waste any time and let's get going. Today we're going to focus on gentle solutions for potty training accidents. If you haven't already listened to the other two episodes on gentle potty training, please go back and listen to them. You'll find them really helpful. So to begin with, I want to share a story with you about a patient of mine. Her name is Tanya, and she's the mom of three-year-old JJ. Tanya's hoping JJ will go to daycare soon, and she spent a lot of time researching daycares and comparing them, and she finally decided on what she thinks will be the best daycare for her little guy. It's a little more expensive than she wanted to pay, but she decided it's worth it. The only problem is JJ has to be out of diapers before starting daycare. So although Tanya was petrified, she decided to use a three-day system because she really wants to get JJ in daycare sooner. And things went brilliantly, and JJ was all set to start daycare the following week, and that's when the accidents started to happen. Now I'm going to spare you all the details and the ups and the downs, but I just want to tell you it took about another three months before JJ was ready to start daycare. Now that's not a criticism of the three-day approach whatsoever. Just it gives us an opportunity to talk about how to manage potty training accidents. So today we're going to focus on how to think about and respond to potty accidents so we send a child the right message. Accidents, they're going to happen, most likely a lot. And when we think of accidents as part of the learning process, it's easier to respond to them peacefully. If you assume accidents are happening because potty training is failing in some way, then you're more likely to respond in ways that send a negative or a confusing message. There are positive aspects to accidents, really. Your child learns many things from them. She learns about what it feels like to be wet. Because sometimes kids they don't even know what it feels like after wearing a diaper because diapers are super absorbent. Therefore, they don't really know what it feels like until a potty training accident happens. And kids learn from these accidents about how long to wait before going to the potty. They also learn what they can expect from you. Will mom or dad get angry, not care, yell, reassure me? They don't know. And that's not all. Accidents can also be a good thing as they inspire your child to be dry. They motivate your child to get to the potty sooner next time. So if you're feeling disappointed or angry or frustrated or fed up when your child has an accident, your kid's going to pick up on that. And remember, kids love positive and negative attention. They need to feel powerful. And when you lose it because they had an accident, which let's face it, you're human, you're going to lose it sometime, because that's how we're wired. But it may have the opposite effect that you're going for. It can actually lead to more accidents because your toddler thinks, all this attention is terrific. So even though it can be super challenging, I'm hoping I can reframe accidents for you so you find it easier to support your child through this phase of learning. So if you approach accidents as natural, expected, and understandable, you'll convey a reassuring and non-judgmental message. Think about this. When your toddler was learning to walk, you didn't expect him or her just to get up and start walking. You didn't interpret each stumble as a failure. Most likely, when your toddler fell, you considered this as part of the learning process. Well, toilet training is the same. Your toddler will learn from the stumbles or the accidents. A toddler doesn't know how long they can push it when they need to pee. They don't know how long they can hold before going to the potty. So while they're listening to their bodies, they may decide to put off going to the potty because they're really engaged with whatever they're doing. And then they get to the hold and dash accidents because they haven't yet figured out how long can I hold and still make it to the potty. And that's what this experience is all about. The accidents help kids learn how long they can actually hold. Now, you haven't done anything wrong if these accidents are happening, and nor is toilet training failing. But your toddler's going to look to you when she has an accent about how she should feel. Now, I don't want you to go to a place of guilt because you're human and cleaning up accidents, it isn't easy, fun, or pleasant. But the more you genuinely feel relaxed about the accidents and see them as a natural part of learning, the easier it will be to manage them calmly. So let's talk a little bit more specifically about how to respond to accidents. So you send a message that says, I believe in you. You can do this. Remember, your child's going to soak up how you feel about accidents. So this is where you want to send the message, no matter what happens, I believe you can do this. Accidents don't upset me because I know you're learning from them. So here are some responses that send the message, I believe in you. If your toddler has an accident, even if it's one second after asking them if they need to use the potty, say something like, oops, your pants are wet. I bet that doesn't feel very nice. That's what we're trying to get into the potty. Or you could say, oops, it looks like you didn't make it to the potty in time. The next time you have that, I need to go pee feeling, let me know and I can help you. Or you could say, it looks like you're wet. That happens. Just listen to your body. You know your body the best and I know you can do this. Or you could say, oh dear, you didn't make it to the potty. No biggie, I bet next time you can make it to the potty. From the pediatrician point of view, if your child has been dry for a long time and then begins to have frequent accidents, I would suggest you speak with your healthcare provider. Sometimes there are physical problems that are the cause of wetting, especially if it's after a long period of dryness. Your child could need a urine sample, or sometimes constipation is the problem. Anyhow, please have a chat with your healthcare provider if it has been a long period of dryness and then accidents start to happen. Now let's get back to how to respond to accidents. Your child needs to know you believe in them, that you have trust in them and confidence in their ability to learn and grow. But this takes time, so you have to be patient. Supporting your child instead of yelling or threatening or punishing them when accidents happen is how you give your toddler the opportunity to learn. You could just say something like, you're learning to listen to your body. That can take time, but I know you can do it. You'll be able to ditch those diapers sooner when you and your toddler stay on the same page. Also, be prepared for accidents. Carry a change of clothes with you when you go out, and go check out the bathroom together before it's needed so your child is comfortable in new places. Now before we go, we need to talk about one last thing. What should you do or say if you lose your cool? This is likely to happen because you're human, so don't go to a place of guilt. But here's what you can say: something like, I'm sorry I got angry about the pea on the floor. I was just thinking about pea and poop in the potty, and I wasn't really thinking about how you feel when accidents happen. Finally, your child will become potty train. Trust them, have confidence in them, and believe in their ability to grow and learn. They just need more time. Potty training is a learning experience really for both of you. Now I hope this episode has taken a bit of the overwhelm out of potty training accidents, because I know you can do this with dignity and respect. Potty training doesn't have to be scary or an emotional roller coaster for you or your child. Thanks for listening to Toddlers Made Easy, the healthiest baby podcast. 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