You're listening to Toddlers Made Easy, an expert-guided podcast for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed by a toddler, or in other words, all of us. Parenting a toddler is really tough, and I'm here to help. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 32 years of experience and a month of four great kids. I love explaining toddlers and giving you the practical tools, knowledge, and crucial support you need to become the parent every kid wants. Each week you can tune in for simple, actionable strategies, scripts, and practical tips, all in bite-sized chunks because I know your time is precious. So be sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's not waste any time and let's get going. Today we're going to be talking about how to teach your toddler to apologize. Say you're sorry. Should you force an apology like that? Let's say your toddler is playing in the park and he grabs a truck from another child. The other child starts crying and everyone is looking at you to see what you're going to do. Your knee-jerk reaction may be to nudge your child and tell them, go say you're sorry, so that everyone just stops looking at you. But the problem with a forced apology is that it causes a child to feel shame without really teaching them anything about empathy. And it often doesn't even help soothe the hurt child because they sense the apology as false. So what should you do instead? Well, before we answer this, let's step back and look at what's happening from a developmental perspective. Around the time of their first birthday, children begin to do social referencing, and that is they look to their caregivers for information about emotions. They learn that facial expressions can signify different feelings, and they read the facial expressions to help them make decisions. By around 18 months of age, toddlers are beginning to display the very earliest signs of empathy. In other words, they're just starting to understand that other people have feelings, thoughts, and ideas that are different from their own. Now, having said this, there's a lot of disagreement at what age this really starts. I've heard anywhere from 18 months to like four years. So between 18 and 24 months, a toddler will also start to recognize themselves in the mirror. And that means they now understand they're a separate person. So starting somewhere around, let's say two years to four years, a toddler is going to start to understand how other people feel, or in other words, they're going to start to develop empathy. Being able to empathize means that a toddler is able to recognize another person's feelings, consider why they might feel that way, and have concern for them. It's not about just feeling sorry for them, it's not about just walking in someone else's shoes. The insights need to be coupled with caring. Now we're born with a certain amount of empathy, but the great thing is this can be cultivated by the examples we set. So how can you raise a child with empathy, or in other words, who shows respect and caring for others? Well, kids learn empathy by watching us and following us. If we make empathy a priority, they'll soak this up and they'll have empathy for others. Now we do this by treating others with respect, all the people we come across in day-to-day life, but we can also do this by how we connect with our kids. The empathy you show your toddler when they're having a hard time will make a stronger impression than a lecture about compassion. Kids watch you and they learn from you. They learn about your ways of thinking and acting, and they're always watching. We also need to let our kids know that empathy is a top priority for us. So instead of saying things like, All I really care about is that you're happy, include empathy as a top priority. Say something like, All I care about is that you're thoughtful and kind and happy. Now here's a few examples of how you can raise a child who cares about others. First, empathize with your child. For example, are you feeling sad that your brother's going to school? This helps your child develop self-awareness. You can also prompt your child on how to show empathy. For example, Gary's upset that Smudge knocked over his puzzle. Let's go help him fix the puzzle. And you can talk about other people's feelings. Sammy's scared of the dark. Let's turn on a nightlight so he feels better. Other strategies include reading stories about feelings. A great book about this is Dr. Zeus, My Many Colored Days. But honestly, you don't need to use a particular book about feelings. Ask questions about kids and creatures and how they're feeling in the books you're already reading. So, why do you think Jill is sad? Why is the creature angry? You can also validate your child's difficult emotions. Showing children you see and understand them helps them empathize with others who are having a hard time. Use pretend play. Ask stuffed animals how they're feeling. Allow kids to feel all the feelings, the good and the bad, the hard and the easy. Avoid running in and trying to distract your child from negative or unpleasant feelings, because in all honesty, you can't really empathize if you've never felt frustration or anger or hurt. Now let's get back to where we started, how to navigate a healthy apology. Truthfully, I'd recommend that you avoid the typical knee-jerk reaction, the say you're sorry. An apology is a really hazy concept for a kid. But apologies are important. They're essential for maintaining and repairing relationships. You can teach heartfelt apologies by modeling them for your child. For instance, when you make a mistake, apologize and explain what you did was wrong. Also, there's nothing wrong with prompting your child in the moment, if needed. For instance, you grabbed the toy from Jimmy and now he's crying. How can we help him feel better? Let's go and see. Research shows that spontaneous, forced, or prompted apologies, they seem to work equally well to repair relationships, but they really don't help the other child feel better. You know what does help? Making amends. For instance, let's say your child knocks down his friend's tower. Offering to help rebuild the tower is how you repair. So if we're not going to force our kids to apologize, how do we teach them to apologize sincerely and to learn from their mistakes? I want to share with you an evidence-based way to encourage heartfelt apologies. The first step is to pause. Pause before saying a word. Make sure your child is calm and you're calm before stepping into the problem. The next step is to see if your child offers a spontaneous apology. If she does or he does, great. If not, ask your child, what can you do to help your friend or your sister or your buddy feel better? If they can't come up with any ideas, make some suggestions, help them. If your child's too young to answer the question, you can both ask and answer the question. And also you can prompt them to include an apology and model a good example for them, or in other words, show them how to apologize. So let's get back to the park where your child grabbed a toy. Ask your child how the little boy whose truck was taken might be feeling. Minimize shame by avoiding saying things like, you're a bad boy or a naughty boy for grabbing his toy. Just connect his behavior with feelings. When you grabbed the toy, the little boy started to cry. How can we help make that little guy feel better? What would make you feel better in the same situation? Let's go and see. You can also add in I'm sorry statements by teaching your child that we say I'm sorry to acknowledge we made a mistake. You can say it on your child's behalf if you need to. That sets a good example, but it also gives your child's development a chance to catch up. Toddlers are growing in learning. As a mom of grown-up kids and a physician who's watched thousands of children go from newborn to new parent, I can tell you that change takes time, a lot of time. So be patient, be a good example, believe in your child, and heartfelt apologies will come. Thanks for listening to Toddlers Made Easy, the healthiest baby podcast. If you want more insights, tools, and confidence, join our free baby school and get a weekly parenting insight in your inbox. Head over to BitlyN that's spelt B as in Bob, I T is in Tom, period, L Y forward slash join baby school. Don't worry though, the link will be in the show notes. Also, join me on Instagram at healthiest underscore baby for a daily dose of better parenting solutions. If you love the toddlers made easy podcast, please subscribe, rate, and give us a review on iTunes. We'd appreciate it so much. There's so much more I want to share with you from my experience as a baby doctor. Until next time, have a great week.