Who Stole the Tarts?

A culinary playing card mystery..

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

First things first, Knave is not as knave does. I don't know whose idea it was to alter. Historians might say revise. The good old English moniker Jack into Knave. No sir, no madam. Equal time to the Queen. Now that's not a disclaimer or an apology or a whine. Well maybe on reflection it might just be a tick whiny. It is true that I love tarts, big tarts, little tarts, tarts as long as my arm. Well who doesn't love tarts? It's not a crime. The loving that is, not like that wicked Jean Valjean who was caught stealing a loaf of bread for his family in that Victor Hugo Hugo Epic reality show. Show ran for centuries. What were the reruns, the musical, the memorabilia? I mean it took on a reality all of its own. Now in the interest of almost full disclosure, I happen to know who stole the tarts. But I'm not telling. I mean it's not proper form to welch on your best friends. That secret is between me and my best bud, the Mad Hatter, whom if you want to know the truth, is a star witness in the trial, my trial. Not that inflated Alice balloon starting small and getting bigger and bigger and bigger, blowing hot air all over the Queen of Hearts and the proceedings. Speaking of the Queen, I think her proclamation of sentence first, verdict afterwards is definitely grounds for a mistrial, a perversion of justice, not to mention due process. I mean, if an absurd theater company were to stage this as a play, they would have to close their doors after opening night. No one would pay to see such an adulterated nursery rhyme farce, except maybe in France where I have it on a good authority. They love farce. Oh, maybe Nicolo Machiavelli with whom I've been compared more than thrice, but he's been dead low those many years. Anyway, the long and the short of it is I'm in this place for impugned playing cards. We have daily sessions to check our phobias. The first session was particularly intense. We spent a whole two hours on the word off. I'm hoping the next session will be much less intense. Dr. Fritz Siguzmund Vasbinder III, our psycho, said at the end of last session that we were going to focus on the W word next. I can't wait. I'll let you know how it goes after we're all reshuffled.