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Love, Deen & Real Life
Look, we’ve all been there. You finally find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your khitbah is hard, filled with tests, obstacles, and pressure from every direction. You cannot help but imagine how much easier life will become once you finally marry the person you love.
So you get married—and then a whole new set of problems appears.
Your relationship is no longer being threatened by your parents, their parents, or the obstacles keeping you apart. Now, the problem is that neither of you really knows what you’re doing. No one taught you how to build a healthy marriage, meet each other’s needs, or handle the weight of real life together. Suddenly, these new struggles can feel even heavier than the ones you faced before marriage.
Trust us—we’ve been there.
We made du’a day and night, asking Allah to help us protect our love, strengthen our lives, and keep our deen at the center of our marriage. Then one day, things began to click—not because all our problems disappeared, but because we decided to take responsibility for building the marriage we wanted.
We discovered shortcuts and learned when it was actually okay to use them. We learned how to meet each other’s needs, filter out bad advice, communicate through difficult moments, and face hardship as a team instead of turning against each other.
We are not here to lecture you about what it means to be the perfect husband or wife. We are not scholars or marriage therapists. We are simply a Muslim couple sharing our story, the lessons we learned, the mistakes we made, and the things that genuinely helped our marriage grow.
You are not alone—and our stories will prove it.
Join Zayd and Faatimah each week as we tackle the real issues Muslim couples face in love, deen, and everyday life. We hope our experiences can help you—and maybe one day, insha’Allah, we will get to hear your story too.
Love, Deen & Real Life
Love Isn’t Enough: Are You Islamically Compatible?
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Love can bring two people together, but love alone does not guarantee a healthy or successful marriage.
Two people can genuinely care about each other while having completely different expectations about faith, family, communication, money, children, lifestyle, and the future. Those differences do not automatically make either person wrong—but when they are ignored, they can create serious problems after marriage.
In this episode of Love, Deen & Real Life, Zayd and Faatimah discuss what compatibility really means in a Muslim marriage and why it should be considered before—and even after—the nikah.
We talk about the areas young Muslim couples often overlook during the khitbah, including religious priorities, conflict styles, family involvement, finances, travel, personal boundaries, and the kind of life each person wants to build.
We also explain why compatibility does not mean being identical, how differences can sometimes strengthen a marriage, and when those differences may point to deeper problems that cannot simply be solved by love.
Whether you are married, engaged, considering someone for marriage, or trying to better understand your spouse, this conversation will help you ask the questions that many couples avoid until it is too late.
Take the Muslim Marriage Compatibility Test
Use our compatibility test to explore important conversations with your spouse or potential spouse:
Download the Muslim Marriage Compatibility Test
This test is meant to encourage honest discussion and reflection. It is not a professional assessment, religious ruling, or guarantee of marital success.
Join Zayd and Faatimah as we talk honestly about love, deen, compatibility, and the realities of building a Muslim marriage.
When You Marry Someone You Barely Recognize
ZaydYou finally married the person you believe was the partner of your dreams. During the Kibba, they were sweet, loving, and attentive. They listened to you, made time for you, and seemed excited about the kind of life you wanted to build together. You talked for hours, imagined your future, and genuinely believed you understood one another. Then you got married, and slowly you began to realize that the person standing in front of you was not exactly the person you thought you knew. They love staying home every weekend. You want to travel, explore, and create new experience together. You believe money should be enjoyed while you have it. They want every extra dollar saved. You prefer talking through problems immediately. They shut down and need hours or even days before they're ready to communicate. You imagine regularly spending time with both families. They want stronger boundaries and much more privacy. Maybe you expected the two of you to grow in your dean together, but you quickly discover that your priorities, habits, and expectations around Islam are very different. Neither person is necessarily bad, neither person is automatically wrong. But suddenly you are looking at your marriage and wondering, how did we not talk about any of this before?
FaatimahYeah, it's like you feel confused, frustrated, and maybe even angry with yourself for totally overlooking the signs. The love may still be there, but love does not erase the differences between you. And few things affect young married couples more than compatibility. Compatibility is absolutely real, especially when it comes to marriages and relationships. When you add the Islamic side of marriage, faith, values, family expectations, responsibility, and the kind of life you want to build together, there are even more areas that need to align. Yet so many young Muslims are overlooking the whole compatibility issue and jumping straight into marriage because they're attracted to someone, enjoying talking to them, or believe love will solve everything else. But love alone does not automatically make two people compatible.
ZaydExactly.
What Does Compatibility Actually Mean?
ZaydSo in this episode, we're going to talk about what compatibility actually means, why it matters so much, and how it can become one of the foundations of a healthy and successful Muslim marriage. Asalamu alaikum marhamed alahubarakatu. I'm Zayd.
FaatimahAnd I'm Fatima.
ZaydAnd let's jump straight into it. So, in a couple, what does compatibility look like?
FaatimahI would say um compatibility means two people can build a life together in a healthy way. It doesn't mean that they're exactly the same and every single thing about them is the same. It just means that those core uh it just means that those core values align.
ZaydSo it's not it doesn't mean like, oh, I like romance, they have to like romance, I like bariani rice, they have to like baryani rice.
FaatimahRight, yeah. So compatibility is um how well something flows together, right? So like I'm not gonna go put sugar in something that's supposed to be salty, right? They're just not gonna have the same taste, right? It's gonna throw the whole thing off. And that's why compatibility is so important, right? But there's so much more, just like in a meal, there's so much more than just one or two ingredients, right? So there's so much more that makes a mirror than just compatibility. But that's like you mentioned earlier, that's the foundation. It should be the foundation, is one of the foundations of a relationship. And I think that that's the first step. So when you when we meet someone that we like, it shouldn't all just be, oh, well, that's an attractive person or oh, we have chemistry and things like that, because there's so much with chemistry as well. And it can give you those rose-colored glasses where you put on those blinders and you're not really seeing what's in front of you. And that can become an issue because you're blinded by that instead of thinking through something and saying, Am I compatible with this person? Do we have the same values? Do we have the same wants and desires for our future? Does our outlook look the same? Are are we um in agreement with how we're raising kids? Do we even want kids? Where are we living? Where do we stand on, you know, certain ethical topics? Are are we politically aligned? Like these are all things that matter in relationships and can destroy relationships if we're not careful.
ZaydSo if you don't have compatibility, you wake up one day and you're like, who the hell did I marry?
FaatimahBut I mean, like, I wouldn't necessarily say that that's a compatibility issue in and of itself, of questioning who who this person that you marrying is. I think then that's a manipulation on someone's part here. So it could be you lie to yourself about it. Or you never ask.
ZaydLike I I guess a prime example would be, you know, the girl is uh a Republican, the guy is a Democrat, they never bothered once to ask about their political affiliation and then married, and then further down the line, you know, one is supporting Trump, the other one is like Yeah, exactly.
FaatimahThat's
Authenticity During the Khitbah
Faatimahthat's exactly it. Like and not being your true authentic self. So when you're in a relationship, whether that's a friendship or a marriage, and in in this podcast, we're gonna be talking about marriages a lot more. But when you're approaching a new relationship, we need to be authentic about who we are because that plays a part in the compatibility thing. I'm not gonna say I like roller coasters when I hate roller coasters because I know you like them. So then that gives us something to talk about, and then you think in your head, wow, we like so much of the same thing. She likes roller coasters. I don't know who else likes roller coasters. This is a thing where I like this person. And now this and now to that point, now you go away with this false idea of who I am, and now I have to keep up the lie. And then we get married, and I can't, I have to decide now, am I gonna keep this lie or not? You want to go to Universal Studios and you're like, oh, let's go on that roller coaster. I'm like, hell no, I'm not going on a roller coaster, right? But I told you that I liked roller coasters.
ZaydFunny you use that as an example because you know, to a lot of our audiences probably be like, okay, it's just a roller coaster, but as a matter of fact, we actually know people that called off engagements because of that.
FaatimahYeah, and I mean it doesn't that that that is a very trivial example, but say traveling, for example, for someone that you know wants to go international traveling and at least once or twice a year they're doing those things. And I say, Yeah, I love to travel. I want to travel one or two times a year, but I know I don't like to travel, and that one or two time, maybe one time a year I can manage, but two? No, I that's not how I would rather spend my leisure time. You know what I mean? So we need to be honest about that because we have to think about what do we see our future being like? What are the things that we're enjoying? Because all of those things matter. And is it a is it a hard stop for you, right? Like those are things you have to consider. So you saying I want, I want to travel. Like that's where I see myself, you know, later on in life. Like the kids are grown and we're traveling and we're going internationally at least once or twice a year. Now I have to think when I'm at that point in my life as well. So say 40s, 50s, do I want to be traveling? Is that something I want for myself? And that can be a no, a no um like a deal breaker for some people. Personally, I don't like to travel.
ZaydI So why don't you give them an example of like, you know, of how you handled it within 24 hours of us talking, like you pretty much spearheaded our compatibility tests without me even though I had no idea what the heck you were doing, but I went along with it.
FaatimahBut
Asking the Hard Questions Early
FaatimahI asked you leading questions. So I there were a couple of things I knew right away that I needed to find out before I got my feelings too attached or I got too attached to you. And then it's harder to walk away at at that point too, right? So that we we stay in relationships that we aren't compatible with and they fail later on because we refuse to ask the hard questions, we refuse to have those hard conversations, and we refuse to admit it to ourselves that this person might not be my soulmate or might not be my person, you know. And actually, I read this article and did a little bit more research on this. Um, that some of us have what we call a woundmate, and that's not a womb, it's a woundmate. Have you ever heard of what that is?
ZaydNo, I haven't heard of a wound mate.
FaatimahSo a wound mate is like like it can come across as um a soulmate because the feelings can be so intense, right? But what that person is actually touching within you isn't your soul, it's your wounds, right? And so a wound mate is someone who feels deeply familiar because they connect with your pain, your insecurity, your trauma, or any unmet emotional needs. And at first it can feel really powerful and really intense, and you think this person gets me, they see me, right? And I've never felt that before. But over time, the relationship may become unstable. Instead of bringing peace, it's reopening the same wounds over and over and over again. And then there's intense highs and painful lows. I wanted to make sure that you weren't, I was in trauma bonding with you because that's what a moon wound mate essentially is. And coming from someone with a lot of trauma and a lot of generational trauma, I needed to make sure that my connection to you wasn't based in that. Okay, that it was based on something real. And so while I was explaining what a wound mate is, I wanted to make sure that the audience understood that I didn't want a trauma bond with someone. That wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't need to be validated in that sense. Like a soulmate in the opposite effect of that, so a true love partner, a true partner, a true soul partner, or whatever you want to call that, would would also make those feelings, like make you feel seen and and um go through all those things, but they're healing you or encouraging you to heal rather more than them healing you. So they see you, validate those things within you, not judge you for them, but love you in spite of them and encourage you to grow.
ZaydList
Our Most Important Compatibility Questions
Zaydlike the top three most important questions that you asked me before we took our relationship to the next level.
FaatimahI don't know that I had a top three, but I knew there were a couple of things that I needed to make sure that we were compatible in the top five things I think that were super important and I needed to know before the progression of any relationship.
ZaydOkay, so you're not doing top three, you're doing top five.
FaatimahYeah, I think top five. Okay, we'll see. Um, the first one was um, yeah, obviously you had to be Muslim and I knew that you were, but um, were you practicing? Like that was big. Like, and in the sense of past practicing, were you praying five times a day? I knew I was, and I knew any partner that I was um going to be in a relationship with, they had needed to pray. So law was important to me, and I felt like it it needed to be important to that person. Um, the other thing was that it needed to be an integral part of your life. Dean needed to be important because I wanted to raise my children in Dean, and I needed to make sure that we were we both agreed on that. Like that's how we were gonna raise our children.
ZaydYeah.
FaatimahThe third thing was if we had a daughter, how would we handle hijab? Um, so that was another thing.
ZaydAnd I think we both agreed that not pressure, but guide. Yeah.
FaatimahWe had decided that. Another thing was how were we raising our kids? How we felt about public school and all of those things. I mean, um, in that moment, I felt I I it I remember my answer changed.
ZaydYeah. Back then you were like, nah, I don't want to do homeschool. I did public school and I turned up by Yeah, I did agree with that.
FaatimahThat was the genuine. I did not agree with taking um sending our kids to Islamic school. I didn't think that it was beneficial. I still don't feel like that.
ZaydBecause of your own experience.
FaatimahBecause of my own experience. I worked in an Islamic school. I um for a couple of years, I attended one.
ZaydWait, you worked, yeah, you worked for the Islamic school after we got married, though. Not before.
FaatimahNot before. But I'm saying in general, that's why I said my answer has changed, but I stand by what I said. I still do not believe in Islamic schools. And I'll and that's a topic we could get into on another date on another.
ZaydI wouldn't say Islamic schools, just say the ones that you know personally. The reason why Because there's a lot of good ones, like Yes, sure.
FaatimahI think that they had to meet certain expectations. And I didn't feel like the one that I attended and the one that I worked for met those expectations in terms of um social skills, emotional skills. Um I didn't think it met in terms of academic needs, and I didn't think it met the needs Islamically.
ZaydDidn't your teacher walk out and have an affair with another teacher?
FaatimahYes, there was a lot of cheating going on, and I was in the sixth grade, and there was so much intermingling, mixing. So to me, I didn't see as a pupil attending middle school in New York City and in Islamic school, I didn't see the difference between what I was exposed to there and what I would have been exposed to at a public school, except my parents were paying tuition. And I guess I had a access to halon food. Like it's so essentially you were paying thousands of dollars for food because that was really the the difference, and I didn't think that was worth it, and that's why I say that. And the same thing, and when I when I think of public education versus Islamic school, I think in order for them to be on the same level, there has to be some kind of trade-off. Um, I mean, but that's a whole we could talk about like when we're okay.
ZaydSo what what did we list so far?
FaatimahSo we listed um D um a Muslim salah, um, how we were raising our kids.
ZaydThat's three.
FaatimahThose are the three. Um, the other one uh for me that was really important. Physical boundaries was really important to me. I needed to make sure that we were compatible in that area. Um, and so um I needed to at least fish for that kind of information, if no me no means no, and and that consent can be withdrawn at at any point. That was important for me. And so that is why it had to be something that I talked about. And I think the other last thing that I needed to make sure that we were compatible with was um how you spoke to me. I could not be with someone that was rough, I needed to be with someone that was soft because you just look at me a little hard and I'll I will cry. So um those were the and that wasn't something I necessarily asked you, it was something I picked up from you. So that was a conclusion I came to on my own after a certain period of time. But those were the top five for me then um that I needed to make sure that we like before I even agreed to have a relationship with you, we were on the same page on those things. Um, as the beginning of our relationship progressed, I asked more questions and things like that that I thought that was important, but those were those were a hard stop. So if you had oh, and drinking and alcohol. So drinking, clubbing, um, those were all important to me. How many sexual partners you had was they would be considered deal breakers. Yes. So those would have been a deal breaker. I would not have gotten with someone that was clubbing out in the clubs or out in the streets, drinking.
ZaydAnd the reason why you added that was because a vast majority of the guys that were trying to hit you up during that period before me were of that nature.
FaatimahNot the vast majority, but a lot of them, sure.
ZaydYeah, they were um but I remember you were saying, like, you know, like like when you told me at the time, you were just like, I don't understand it. Like, why would guys like that that drink and party don't pray, why would they hit me up and want to be with me?
FaatimahLike, yeah, hijabi, yeah.
ZaydTrophy wife.
FaatimahAnd you wouldn't believe the amount of guys that had approached me and had that lifestyle, or was actively drunk and tried to atta uh approach me. That was the one that like I hadn't been put in that situation maybe twice. And um, I I had never been more insulted in my life. And like the the nerve of this person to even think they can talk to me. And I don't mean that that I don't mean to sound elitist when I say that or that I'm better than this person. Yeah, I don't, but it was just like you reek of alcohol. I'm standing here in a hijab and like have some respect. Like, first of all, I'm a woman, so physical boundaries, let's have some respect there, right? And then on the second hand, you're drunk, I can smell alcohol off of you, and you think now is a good time to try to hit me up and like asking me out and you think I would say yes. Hijabi like read the room. Navigating that that that that whole landscape was just an interesting time in my life.
Stop Marrying Someone’s Potential
ZaydSo here's here's a question. Sure. Another side of you know the whole compatibility thing is the misconception of changing someone's likes, dislikes, or wants to fit your own compatibility. What are your thoughts on that? Like, you know, they they hear the person out, they're like, okay, I see. You don't pray five times a day, no big deal, or you don't wear hijab, no big deal, I'll get you there. They don't tell the person this, but in their head, it's like, I'll get you there. What do you think about those?
FaatimahI think that is problematic in thinking that you can go into a relationship and change someone. I think that's not fair to you, and it's not fair to that person. We don't um we can get attached to someone's potential, you know? Like, oh, this person has the potential to be great and things like that. Like, that's not what should be the guide for our relationship. What should be the guide is who they are now. And sure, you can say, oh, um, this person's really intelligent. I feel like what the like we can motivate and we can be a we can motivate each other and we can grow together and we can accomplish and do so much is one thing in terms of that potential. But in saying that I'm gonna marry someone that's out of the clubs and drinking, and because I love this person or I fell in love with this person or thinks this person's attractive, they're gonna stop that behavior because they want to marry me. That's that's not realistic. And and that's a red flag, honestly, to go into a relationship and think that way, you know? And it's and it could be even like smaller things, you know? Like, um, maybe not something as as grandiose as that because that is a big, you know, life change, but it could be something small, like um, oh, this person isn't um romantic. I'm gonna marry them and that's gonna change. Or, oh, this person's way too attached to their family. I'll change that.
ZaydIt reminds me of that story where this person reached out to you and um told you that they're talking to someone and they're Hindu, but they're gonna convert, and they wanted you to talk to them, and you're like, Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll I'll I'll spread some dawah. So you you reached out to him to find out that he never said he was gonna convert.
FaatimahYeah, he was the practicing Hindu.
ZaydYeah, he was Didn't he run for the hills after that?
FaatimahI'm not sure if he ran for the hills after that, but he was very adamant that he would not forget. That's a perfect example of they did not have the compatibility talk, they didn't have the compatibility thought, and that per even if they did, I think that person that um was being hopeful was thinking that they could change this person, and that's not great. Yeah, it's not emotional maturity, it's not fair. There's you're lying to yourself, and then it's a form of manipulation, I think, as well. Um, and the only person you're really fooling is yourself. And if being a Muslim is important to you, then find a Muslim partner from the jump. Don't go into a relationship with someone that isn't a Muslim and then be like, I'll convert them. And maybe someone will convert in name, but they're not gonna be actively participating in Dean, and that's an issue too, right? Like, how are you trying to raise your children?
ZaydYeah, like how does that even if they did say convert? And I'm I'm not saying that most people convert without actually doing the work. I've seen um I I think the term the correct term nowadays are revert. Revert, yeah. I've seen revert that like, can I say outperform? Sure. Outperform the person they met they they change faith to marry.
FaatimahAgreed.
ZaydYeah. But there's also some I've seen reverts that just they just did it for the title and they're not really they did it for the nikka. Yeah, exactly. They're wearing the title of Muslim, but deep down in their heart, they're still And only Allah can tell what's in our hearts and whether or not we'll change.
FaatimahBut I think if you're gonna marry someone that isn't Muslim and being Muslim is important and you want to raise your children in a Muslim environment in a Muslim household, then you need to be realistic and think about how that's gonna work. Because you can't marry someone that isn't Muslim and then be like, hey, by the way, when we have a daughter, she's gonna have to wear hijab at some point, or we're gonna be able to do that.
ZaydIt's all part of the compatibility too.
FaatimahExactly. And which what are we going to the masjids? Often, like, are we fasting during Ramadan? Are we doing that as a family?
ZaydAre you gonna stay home while I go to the mass?
FaatimahRight. Like, you know, and I'm not saying that you know it is allowed for men to marry non-Muslims, you know, um um Jewish and of the Christian faith, but um, and how that works is fine, like whatever works for your compatibility. But if you want to raise your children in an Islamic household, you need to have is two Muslim parents that are practicing, not just in it for the namesake. Because you can't just take your kid and be like, I'm gonna send you to the masjid every Sunday or Saturday for you to learn all the things that you need to learn there, and then think that's enough because it's not. And I've seen that happen um a lot. And I had friends that that's how they grew up, and they didn't necessarily translate into good Muslims or practicing Muslims. Um, you know, a lot of times we you they learned on their own and then they came back into Islam and things like that, but your environment matters, right? That's the whole nature versus nurture argument, and so that's why, in terms of that, why compatibility is important.
ZaydSo, why
Why Couples Avoid Compatibility Conversations
Zayddo you think couples are refusing to have these deep and hard conversations to establish compatibility?
FaatimahI think they're afraid.
ZaydAfraid?
FaatimahThey're afraid. They're afraid that love isn't enough. They're afraid to know the truth. Sometimes they think it might be ignorance, they just don't know to ask those questions. They don't realize the weight of those questions, they don't realize in that moment that these questions are important and these topics matter. They're just head over heels for this person or just want to get to that finish line of being married, that they are overlooking things, red flags or yellow flags, um, and not addressing the things that they probably should because they're afraid of what those answers are going to be. And then again, I think it goes back to that other point where they're they're thinking, I'm going to marry this person's potential and what they can be, or what I want them to be, rather than who they actually are.
ZaydAnd we've seen, you know, people who avoid these conversations, how their life turns out and they're miserable.
FaatimahYeah, because they married a fantasy.
ZaydExactly. Um how did like do you have a hard time like showing them sympathy or I think it depends on the age for sure. Um I know me personally, I'm like, what do you mean you didn't this wasn't the person you were talking to?
FaatimahI think if they I think if they were they jumped into it really quickly, they met and then married a month or two later. I have a little bit more sympathy. I could be a little and not sympathy is the wrong word, but I can be a little bit on more understanding on and how we got there. This was a rush thing that we did, um, and it wasn't something that was really thought through here or put a lot of thought behind, which I think is not a great idea. Um, I think we really should make Isl Kara on really um big life decisions. I also think that we should take our time and really think through some of these things as well before we jump into just marrying someone. But I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that was engaged for two years and then have and then comes back and says, I don't know who I married. This isn't the person that I married. And then if it's like personality traits, like say I know the person that they married, and then this person is like I had an example of someone that did that. Um, I knew the brother and the sister, and those two got married, and she said, um, or had meant it to me that she didn't know this person that she married. And I and she listed certain traits about him that you know she had called out, specifically called out, and it was like not romantic, not soft or gentle, um, like how he treats her family, those kinds of things, right? And um, I was like, how do you how did you not know this? Because I know this of this person. So how did you not realize that? Like what what are you talking about in your two years that you were engaged that you didn't think of these things to ask, or you didn't pick up on this? And then um, and then most recent more recently, I heard this thing where um Samel Robbins had mentioned something called what's a lie and what's a manipulation, right? And of course, intention goes between these things, right? And if you are the only person that that person is treating differently, then that's probably a good idea. That that's not that person's true authentic self. That is a red flag. So if everyone else around you is saying that this person is a is like a complete butt head and is like super rude and not very nice and like all of these things, but to you he's as sweet as pie, that's kind of a sign that this person's not being their authentic authentic self. And then watch how they treat people around them. How are they treating their mom? How are they treating their siblings? How are they treating the waiter? How are they treating their cousins or their friends or their neighbor? And if those things all don't match up, then something's wrong. That should be a red flag for you. And it's not, I feel like this should be innate, these should be things like we're we're talking about and we're noticing, right? Like how how did you not notice that? And I think it goes back to that they're marrying the fantasy and they held on to that fantasy and they didn't want to ask those questions because they didn't want to break the fantasy, and they went into it thinking I can change this person or this isn't a big deal, and then they're living in it in their day-to-day, and now they're trying to what? I don't know what I got myself into because they didn't understand what marriage is, they didn't understand the weight of what that is, and that shows a lack of emotional intelligence and emotional maturity because they didn't come to those conclusions, they didn't realize what marriage was.
ZaydAnd
Can Someone Change for Love?
Zaydeverything we talked about so far might seem gloomy and uh dark, but there is a special circumstances where someone can really change themselves to be compatible with you.
FaatimahYeah, I think that they say that love cures all or love doesn't cure all. I think it really depends on the and the quality of that love. I think that love can go a long way. I think love, I mean, look at Allah for Allah. We look at Umar ibn Qatab, right? And his love for for Allah and the Prophet, right? Like he uh wanted to kill the Prophet.
ZaydYeah.
FaatimahAnd then his love for the Prophet and his love for his deen, look, he became Khalifa, a man promised Jannah, right? And he wasn't even the only one. There were so many more of them. Like you could look at Khalid ibn Walid, I mean I can list so many sahabas that this was their story, right? So people absolutely can change, but I think that that change cannot be forced by you. That has to be done.
ZaydThey have to want to do it.
FaatimahExactly.
ZaydThey have to want to work on themselves.
FaatimahAnd I have seen where for the love of somebody else, someone changes. I have seen that, and I've seen it be successful. But I would say that those are diamond doesn't they're not a diamond dozen, they're a diamond in a rough. But they're they're not all the one, they're not the norm, they're the anomaly.
ZaydYeah.
FaatimahType of thing.
ZaydYou're not gonna you're not going to expect that kind of luck when first talking to someone and establishing. We shouldn't assume that. Yeah.
FaatimahDefinitely shouldn't assume it. Um, that shouldn't be what we're going into a relationship and assuming. Um, and I think that there are signs and leads up to that too. Like this person isn't just gonna be like overnight, yes, I'm going to change for this person because I want to be with this person. Um, it's an evolution, I think.
Lying During the Khitbah
ZaydHere's a good here's a good one. Lying during the compatibility tests.
FaatimahLike you mean like an actual sit-down test or like the compatibility, the early stages.
ZaydLet's say, let's say they're early stages, right? There's a couple who actually do the compatibility test, right? Okay. And I guess I'll lead this one because I did the research on it. And let's say one or the other, it doesn't matter if it was the girl or boy, lied during their compatibility test. Basically lied about their personality, lied who they were, lied about wanting to be a better Muslim, praying five times a day and all that, right? They lie about all that stuff. What happens if they go through with the marriage? Well, according to the research, lying during kidbah is a sin.
FaatimahYeah, of course.
ZaydYou cannot do that. Because the Prophet had rules for marketplaces, right? We all know the story with he was walking through the marketplace and he put his hand in some corn and found wet corn underneath dry corn and told the salesman, you cannot do that. The wet corn must be on top so people can see it themselves. You are hiding it from them. And so if there's some strict rules for like marketplace, you best believe there's gonna be strict rules for kidbah, you know, getting to know someone. Because at the end of the day, a kidba, I mean, a marriage is a transaction. It's a contract between a man and a woman. And so if someone is not truthful, that is a sin on them. And if the marriage wasn't consummated, then let's say if it's a male who lied, if the marriage isn't consummated, then she gets back her dowry and she can say I'm out and leave, just like that. Yeah. And if it's vice versa, you know, the um the wife lied to the husband, same exact scenario. If they consummate the marriage, right, then um he doesn't have to give back the dowry. But if they don't, he gets it back and yep, they call it quits, they walk away, right?
FaatimahBecause I think about lying about major things takes away that person's ability to make informed decisions, and they might have made a different decision if you were honest.
ZaydYes.
FaatimahAnd that's why honesty is so important on that in that stage. Like, for example, if when I mentioned one of my things were no drinking and you were drinking, and you just told me no, I don't drink, but you really are, or you still are, you lie to me, and I'm not gonna find out about that until I either smell it on you or I picked up on those clues on my own, or I get married and I notice those things. You lie to me, and I would have felt betrayed by that. You know what I mean? Like this, that would have because that would have been a deal breaker for me.
ZaydYeah. In Riyadh Al Saleheen, right? Book 17, Hadith 69, the prophet said, He who deceives is not of us. I heard something interesting that you were watching a while ago.
FaatimahOkay.
ZaydWhy
The Square-and-Circle Compatibility Theory
Zayddon't you tell us about it? Um, I don't all I remember is a square and a circle, circle inside the square.
FaatimahOh, oh, it was the circle square theory. Okay. And now it's a compatibility thing. Okay. And so it's like, you know how so think about it like this. You have a s a square, right? And um, well, it's basically saying that compatibility can be one way. You can hit all my boxes, but I might not hit all your boxes. So it's a one-way thing, right? But in a relationship, compatibility needs to go two ways, right? Can't just be one way because you'll have unmet needs. So, for example, you have the square and then you'll have a circle. And then inside the circle is fitting neatly into that square, and all those needs, and it's all colored in, it's perfect into that square, right?
ZaydOkay, so the circle is in the square and it's hitting a lot of the corners.
FaatimahIt's hitting no, no, because the circle is a circle, right? There are no corners on a circle, and then you have a square.
ZaydBut it's fitting nicely in the square. Yeah, okay, right?
FaatimahSo it's fitting perfectly into that square. Beautiful, just all your needs met. But what's happening to that square? It has current corners, right?
ZaydYeah, so their needs aren't being met.
FaatimahNeeds aren't being met.
ZaydSo that's what that's why they say So like so the square represents one party and the circle represents the other.
FaatimahYeah, so that's why it says um compatibility could be a one-way, one-way thing, and it doesn't need to be. It needs to go two ways because though I might be compatible for you, but you might not be compatible for me, right? And now one of us has an unmet need, and that's not gonna work in a relationship because our needs need to be met. Both of our needs, both parties need to have I didn't even think about that. Yeah, it's an interesting thing, right? I I hadn't thought about that too. I just thought we both have to be compatible, and not that I might meet all your needs, but you're not meeting all of mine. So this is a compatibility issue.
ZaydSo,
Our 90% Compatibility Score
Zaydspeaking of compatibility, I did make a compatibility test, and as a matter of fact, after I created it, me and Fatima took it and we scored drum roll. Dun dun dun dun 80, no 90. 90%. Now we would have gotten higher if there if there was one section you pointed out that I created one section and included it in the point system, and that's what deducted most of our points, and that section really didn't need to be scored. That was a section with like you love romance, hobbies, yeah. Yeah, I love actions, and because we weren't matching, or we weren't even close to matching, yeah, we got we lost a lot of points.
FaatimahWe lost some points there, yeah.
ZaydSince then, I have reformatted it and took taken that out of the test. I've left it in the test because it's good to know, right? It's good to know your spouse likes romance or your your spouse likes action, right? But it's not scored anymore. So it's basically just good to know.
FaatimahBut I think that's an interesting topic to mention. Um, when we say compatibility, like again, and I I did say this in the beginning that being compatible with someone doesn't mean that you're exactly similar. Yeah, you can have differences. This is important. We should have hobbies and and and things that we do outside of a relationship, too, because we don't want to be codependent on that person, right? We want them to have their freedom to enjoy their likes and dislikes, you know, their likes and their hobbies, yeah, independent from what mine are. And and that a good example of that is uh us. I love reading. That's my hobby. That that brings me joy. So me, I love that. You don't, and that's okay. We could do like you, for example, when you relax, you like to like watch your YouTube shorts on your um topics that you're researching and things like that. You have TV shows that you like to watch that.
ZaydRegret.
FaatimahRight. He's a very much a 90s sitcom cartoon guy. He likes the nostalgia of those things. So he that's what for you that helps you relax. And so when we spend time together, sometimes you're watching those things, or I'm reading and then we're talking, we're discussing things, and things like I'll tell you about my book, and you'll tell me about your TV shows, or I'll remember something, we'll have a conversation about it. So just because we're doing different things, doesn't it? Or if I'm watching together.
ZaydIf I'm watching an episode that I have clear memory of watching it as a kid, I'll tell you the story about watching it as a kid.
FaatimahAnd that works for us. That dynamic works for us. It might not work for everyone else, but it works for us.
ZaydBut you should know, you should know what you should want to know what your spouse's favorite food and things, but on the test, they don't need to be graded, so that's gone.
FaatimahNo, yeah, for sure. And just because you like cheese, and I don't like cheese, which by the way, I I used to like cheese, but um, that doesn't mean we're not compatible.
ZaydYeah.
FaatimahRight?
ZaydSo
How to Take the Compatibility Test
ZaydOkay, so let's tell them about this test, right?
FaatimahSo it's uh like different categories.
ZaydYeah, different categories. In each question, you can do number one, which is strongly agree, number two, disagree. I'm sorry, number one, strongly disagree, number two, disagree, number three, unsure depends. Number four, agree, or number five, strongly agree. So you're just gonna use that number on the question. So if the question is like, you know, I pray five times a day, you're gonna do uh strongly agree, I hope. And that's gonna be a five, so you're gonna put five on it, right? And you do that with all the questions, and at the end, you're going to score it. Score it. Yeah. You're gonna see how you need to you need to print, you need to print a set for yourself, and you need to print another set for the person you want to test your compatibility with, right?
FaatimahAnd if you don't want to do this particular one, there are so many more out there that you can do if you're more comfortable with something.
ZaydYeah, this one it's it's like a little mixture of questions we did during our Kippba.
FaatimahUm, and then obviously Yeah, there are ones based in science that um like different um This one is rooted in Islam, though.
ZaydThere's a lot of Islamic questions.
FaatimahBut um in terms of um guiding principles of uncompatibility, um, using science as its base, there are so many of those that you can do. This one is, I think, um a little bit of that, but also a lot more Islamic compatibility, um which is why we created because we didn't really see one or find one that actually uh had that in there, and I think that that is important um as Muslims that we're looking for someone that matches us in that aspect.
ZaydExactly. Now, this is not meant to be like and all be all. Yeah, this is just meant for you to open your eyes, just to start conversations, exactly. Start the hard conversations, and uh we'll include a link for this test in the description. It's a Google Drive link. You click on it and you can download and print it. So go ahead and check that out if you can do it with your spouse that you're currently married to, just the way you think that's a good idea.
Conflict and Communication Compatibility
FaatimahIt was just the way you worded it. That you could be already married and do the compatibility test. I mean, I go ahead. Like I hope that you're compatible. It'll be something fun to say. We're not liable. Yeah. Um, speaking uh and to that point, I think that um when we talked about compatibility, I don't necessarily think that we talked about a couple of things here that I think um outside of asking those hard questions and asking certain questions, um, like what I mentioned, I think as I grew up there were more things that I probably should have asked or are known that I learned along the way. One of them being um like how are we handling conflict? I think that's a compatibility thing too. I think it's really important to understand how we're handling conflict.
ZaydYes, that one that one stumped us the most through our marriage because I'm kind of a secluded guy, go into a secluded area.
FaatimahYeah, you shut down for sure. And I'm that.
ZaydAnd you just talk your way out of it.
FaatimahYeah. But I think it's also important to understand that we can um differ in how we handle conflicts, but I think we have to also respect that person's boundaries.
ZaydSo me You did find a middle ground though.
FaatimahThat's why I was just saying that um we have to respect each other's boundaries. So I know that you need space, so I'm gonna leave you to have that space. If I think it's if I think it's really like a conflict thing, obviously because you have anxiety and um there's a little bit more that gets played into that in terms of how I react to a conflict where I'll I'll push you to open up to me rather than letting you take the time that you need to like calm down. I think I think that's that's amazing.
ZaydBecause of and because because of that little action that you do, I bounce back within you know, within an hour. Yeah, I'll usually come back.
FaatimahYeah. Sometimes does.
ZaydAnd then ready to talk.
FaatimahYeah, exactly.
ZaydAnd then I think it's also whereas before, like, you know, like you were like, no, we need to talk about this now. You're not going anywhere.
FaatimahYeah.
ZaydAnd be like, I have to go.
FaatimahYeah, because it'll just get worse. It'll just get worse. And it's important to know that conflict in a relationship can be healthy. It is not um, it does not destroy relationships. Yes.
ZaydUh happy marriages also have fights.
FaatimahYeah, we have disagreements, right? Like we're not like we have healthy arguments, right? We're not fighting. I don't like that term.
ZaydHealthy, agreed. Disagreements, yes.
FaatimahAnd I think um a healthy relationship, when we come when it deals with conflicts, we're not avoiding it, we're not mishandling it, and we're not refusing to repair um the damage that it does or the hurt that it cost. We're taking accountability for our actions um and trying to overcome them. And then when we d have a disagreement, we're not sweeping it under the rug. We're uh addressing it head on and coming to a middle ground and resolving that conversation.
ZaydExactly. So stop trying to push your ideas onto the other person's. You have to accept what their thoughts are and be like, I I appreciate your thoughts, I get where you're coming from. Um, this is how I feel, and then tell them how you feel. And then they have to show the same respect.
FaatimahIt's active listening, yes. And that is another thing in terms of compatibility is communication. Like we we we just started talking about like in terms of how we handle conflict, but also in communication, we need to make sure that we're compatible in how we are communicating as well. Um, and we have to be open with how we're feeling and learn how to actually communicate our feelings in a healthy way. You can absolutely Be angry at me if I did something. Your feelings are valid, just as mine are valid. But what you absolutely cannot do is belittle me, insult me, or any of those kinds of things, right? Yelling, screaming, hitting walls, throwing things, banging, slamming doors, walking out, storming.
ZaydThose are adult hand trumps.
FaatimahThose are absolutely adult hand trumps. And uh we were having this discussion earlier, and it's like, will you would you, if your child did that to you in an argument, start yelling at you or threw something at you or slammed a door on you? How are you reacting? Right. So are we, but you're allowed to do it as an adult? So are you holding a child to a higher standard of behavior than you're holding yourself?
ZaydI guess so.
FaatimahRight. So then that's an interesting thing that you need to work on, right? Like it's not okay to behave that way. It's yeah, I can understand that you're in your feelings in the moment, and sometimes we don't always make the best choices. But when we realize we're doing these things, then we need to immediately start to correct them. Right? Like as soon as we calm down, I can't do this again. This is not a behavior that is reflective of me or of who I want to be or the image that I want to project. This is not okay, especially if you have littles in the house. This is not how you want them to see.
ZaydSo stop yourself immediately, and then after you stop yourself immediately, that's when the real work starts. Yeah. The work on yourself.
FaatimahYeah.
ZaydAnd sometimes you're gonna have to seek outside help, like a psychiatrist to get to the bottom of it.
FaatimahI'm a big supporter of therapy, um, in particular CBT, which is cognitive behavioral therapy.
ZaydUm, I And that's a big thing in the Brown community because they don't believe in mental health.
FaatimahMental health, no. And that's another thing. I I think also they don't believe in you talking to a uh psychiatrist and telling them your business because Oh, yeah, but you can go tell auntie down the street or this grandma and that uncle and this cousin. Yes. But don't go and tell therapist. God forbid.
ZaydProper communication as a compatibility, yeah, for sure.
FaatimahCommunication definitely is a compatibility issue. But it's a conflict resolution is a complexity thing.
ZaydIt's a weird topic though. It it's a weird question because I never was with someone before, right? How do I know how I argue or how I get in a fight?
FaatimahSo Yeah, I agree, because I'm that was my story, right? Like I hadn't been in a relationship before you, and so I think because I was so green in a lot of those things for sure. I mean, I had standards of behaviors, I had things that you know I would tolerate, what I wouldn't tolerate, what were hard stops for me, what were deal breakers and things like that. I I was pretty pretty clear on those things that there were just certain things that I would not accept. There would just absolutely be a deal breaker, no amount of love is gonna change those things. Um and then also within a relationship, but I think I I made sure that I mentioned this as well, is like I could not be in a relationship where that person would want a second wife or a third wife. But I I just I made that known from the jump. Like that might be acceptable in Islam. It's just not something I can as a person um handle.
ZaydThat's a misconception
Marriage Contracts, Deal Breakers and Boundaries
Zaydtoo, that women just need to deal with it because it's permissible for men to take multiple wives when why don't you tell us the reality of that? Um you can request it. Yes, quit it.
FaatimahYeah. So um because because let's go to the topic of like what a nika is, right? So nikka is uh is a marriage contract and it's actually a literal contract, right? Like it can actually be drawn up, and there are lots of different um stipulations that you can put within the contract. And so while um having um multiple wives is permissible in Islam, it can be stipulated in the marriage contract or in the nikem contract that that not be allowed as long as both parties are agreeing to it.
ZaydAnd that should be something that you know you should have a discussion during compatibility testing. I forgot to put that in the test, but I'll I'll definitely add it in the updated version.
FaatimahBecause that seems to be a thing that's coming back multiple lives.
ZaydSo I completely dropped the ball on that one, but I'll I'll add it to it.
FaatimahBecause it's not something that you would think of of being married for for what 16 years. So I get why you wouldn't put that in there. But yeah, that was something that I needed to have addressed as well. And then another thing for me was like in a marriage. Like so when we were in a kippah and we were discussing these questions and and these things to see if we were accountable. Um, one of the things was infidelity. That was not something I am not built for a per I am not built as a person that can forgive that. And if that happened in our marriage, it would end in divorce, no matter how many kids we had.
ZaydI remember that conversation.
FaatimahNo matter how many kids that we had, no matter how many how much I loved you, I just that is not something that I would have been able to forgive. And that wouldn't have and to stay in a relationship like that wouldn't have been fair to you, and it wouldn't have been fair to me. And if we had children, it wouldn't have been fair to them. So um another thing for me was abuse. The second you laid your hands on me and it was consensual, um, that to me would have been a deal breaker as well.
ZaydWait, um second I laid my hands on you and it was consensual? Not consensual. Oh, you said consent.
FaatimahI said non-consensual.
ZaydYou said consensual. You forget that you skipped over the non.
FaatimahWell, I meant the second you put your hands on me and it wasn't consensual, um, that would have been Deal breaker. Yeah, it would have been a deal breaker for me for sure. Yeah. And that would have gone whether that happened during Kit Ball or whether it happened during a marriage.
ZaydAnything else in your notes that you wanted to discuss?
FaatimahUm,
Differences vs. Deal Breakers
FaatimahI think there's um, I mean, we talked on this a little bit about the differences between what's an actual difference and what's a deal breaker in terms of compatibility. Like we mentioned, um differences or I like romance, you like action, right? That's a difference. Uh it's not a deal breaker. So I think we have to discuss or you have to have the two parties have to have a discussion on what's uh a difference and what is a deal breaker, and to understand the difference between those two. Deal breaker means like this is a no-go, yeah. You can't do this, so it's okay to have differences. We are different people, and then differences are expected, and honestly, I think it keeps the relationship a little spicy. But um, I think those deal breakers are not something that we should turn a blind eye to, and then also um to your end things that are important and not overlook it, because you might say, Oh, you know what? I can overlook this, and then you get married and you're like, no. So if romantic a person to be romantic to you, um, and they're not that way during khippba, but you think, oh, that's fine, it won't be a big deal, and then you get married, and then two years down the line, you're like, oh my god, this person's not romantic at all. Like, what is this? Like you thought you could overcome it or it wasn't gonna be a big deal, and then it was so you need to be honest with yourself about these things too, or whether or not this can be compromised and overlooked, right? Like, I can it's not that important to me, but if it absolutely is important to you, you need to be able to have those discussions or understand that this person isn't this way, and now we're not compatible here in this area, and you need to be honest with yourself. And I think a lot of this is being honest with the app that person and being honest with yourself, right? Because it's easy to say, I love this person and I can overlook this, and then five years down the line you're married to this person, and then you're like, You said, Who did I marry? Because you're gonna start to resent them. And and and honestly, you have no one to blame but yourself because they told you who they were. You chose not to listen.
ZaydYeah. Did they? Did they tell you?
FaatimahOr I mean, like they could be too different.
ZaydThe signs were there.
FaatimahThe signs were there, sure. And then they could you could have that conversation. This is what I'm saying, right? Like I'm you like, for example, you're uh this person says that they're not a romantic person, but romance is important to me. And I'm like, I love you so much, I can overlook this, but then years drag on, and then I'm like, this is actually really important to me, and I try to overlook it, and now I can't. And I wasn't honest with myself back then, and or brave enough to say this is a no-go for me, and then now all of a sudden I'm resenting you because you're not romantic.
ZaydYou get what I'm saying? Yes, I see.
FaatimahNot so much of that, it's so it's the opposite of that person lying because they they told you you knew this about them, but you yourself wasn't honest with yourself on whether or not this was a deal breaking.
ZaydMakes sense, yes. I do know a couple of people like that. Like the guy never really gave flowers, never chocolate, never did anything special. And then, like, years later, when they're married, like she's like, Oh, he's not romantic anymore.
FaatimahWhen were they ever?
ZaydWas he romantic before? I mean, because like, no, I think you maybe had rose-colored glasses on and you saw what you wanted to see that was actually there for sure.
FaatimahWell, you led yourself to believe that fantasy again, not having those hard conversations, believing in the fantasy instead of what is actually there, what is the actual reality. That's why I said you have to be honest with that person, and you need to be honest with yourself.
Opposite-Sex Friendships and Workplace Boundaries
ZaydYes. One important thing I know that I added to the test was like uh and this one is a big, huge one being friends with the opposite sex. That should be, in my opinion, that should be a deal breaker. What do you think?
FaatimahI think in Islam, absolutely it should be a deal breaker. Um, I think boundaries are important, and I think the boundaries that we place, uh I think boundaries are important and boundaries should be part of compatibility. Yes. For sure. That those things need to be.
ZaydAnd and you're not fooling anyone by thinking like I I can have a girl as a friend. Yeah. No big deal. I can control myself.
FaatimahRight. And what is the what it what what is that saying that they say when the two people are alone in a room, whether that's now through text messages. Shashant's the third person. That includes text messages and phone calls, by the way. Um, so or Zoom calls, or I was gonna say team calls. But I guess team calls too, because workplace um inappropriate workplace relationships happen. And so, like, this this is important. And to that point, we're talking about not just having um opposite sex friends, but also inappropriate work relationship workplace relationships, right? I think boundaries need to be placed on that too, because I think if when you're saying inappropriate, you mean like hey, a guy and a girl going off for lunch.
ZaydNot yes normal business communication, whatever.
FaatimahThat's why I said inappropriate, right? Like, for example, I'll give me, for example, right? So I, as a data analyst, I communicate with people of both genders constantly, right? So I'm also privately emailing them, not blind privately, but work-related emails, right? But it's just between the two of us, or Teams messages between the two of us asking for a clarification on something, or like it following all following up on something like that. These are appropriate workplace um interactions. Now, if I go to um a person that I work with, let's call him Tim, and I'm working with Tim, and I'm just like um, and start and remember workplace um appropriate workplace um decorum sometimes is asking, oh, good morning, or good afternoon, or how are you, right? But if I'm asking, hey, did you see this latest movie? I feel like that might be a boundary that we're breaking. Now, if we're in a group call with a larger team and everyone is there and we're all asking and speaking in the same, you know, we're all talking together, I think that's okay, right? Because we're all talking together, right? So we're all asking each other this and answering the same question. But if I'm going to that person and I'm being overtly friendly or they're being overtly friendly, I need to be able to set that boundary. So if they say, um, oh, did you see this movie or like, hey, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm kind of getting the vibe that this might be more personal, then I'm gonna set that boundary. I'm either in one, not gonna address the thing and just go right back to just being professional until and they'll get the hint. They'll absolutely get the hint that I'm choosing not to answer that question. And I have been in a situation where that's happened and I chose not to answer those questions. And so where I had a boss actually that was male and was being a little, I felt like a little inappropriate, and I chose to um not engage in that at all, and they got the hint that that wasn't that was a boundary that I wasn't gonna cross. This relationship weren't gonna we weren't gonna be friends. You were my boss, that was it. So any type of interaction that we had was going to be workplace related. I didn't need to know what your personal life was, what your likes were, what your what you did, what your plans were during the weekend. I didn't need to know any of that. You don't need to know about mine outside of what would be the preview of my job or the preview of yours. So I think placing boundaries on um the opposite sex is very important. And I think you're right, that is uh I mean boundaries, um setting boundaries and holding boundaries is a compatibility issue too, so that needs to be addressed. And then also to that point, are we um talking about um where we stand on opposite gender relationships and that being a compatibility issue, right? So those are um is that a deal breaker? Then we need to talk about it because that's a good that would be like no matter anything that's a deal breaker or super important to you is a compatibility issue. So we need to discuss it, regardless of what it is. So if you hate the color red and that person wearing the color red would be triggering to you, and absolutely not something you can get over, and as as ridiculous as that sounds, is that super important to you and is a deal breaker, then that needs to be addressed. It would be a compatibility thing, even if it seems ridiculous. Islam says we can marry someone for status, we can marry someone for their beauty, we can marry someone for their wealth, um, and we marry someone for their dean, their character, right? And um the the one that is um encouraged is marrying for character and character and dean, because that's important, right? In terms of um, I think it it's important for us to understand that distinction that yes, these things might be permissible, but the best thing for you to do is to marry someone with the best character because all of those things plays right back into the things that we talked about in terms of what's important, right? In terms of that comp compatibility thing. And you can be a great person on paper and you can be this amazing person, but we're just not compatible, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person or I'm a bad person, it just means we're not we're the square and the circle.
ZaydSo
Deen, Character and Private Behavior
Zaydin the compatibility test, like you know, like it starts off with faith in Islamic practice, right? Because Islam and Dean and characters should be at the forefront of determining if you're compatible with someone. But why is that?
FaatimahI think it's important because just because someone may appear religious, they may appear to be a great person, doesn't necessarily mean that's who they are, right? So um we have to look sometimes, we have to look a little bit deeper because um outward appearances some people perform, right? And so we have to look beyond that. And what does their character say? Like, what is that speaking to? So we can wear religion as a mask on the outside, but inside we're harsh and we're dishonest and we're rude and we're harmful in how we interact with people, and that matters because marriage is not just life out in the public, it's inside of your home, right? And when we marry someone, we're marrying them what for tranquility, right? Allah is putting that tranquility, that saqinah in in us, the rahmah in us, right? Because that's what marriage people marriage is to us, right? So that we may live together in tranquility, right? Yes, that he places that mercy in our hearts for each other, right? Because our our marriage and our home should be a source of peace.
ZaydA couple that's really into each other, really lovey dovey with each other in their home when no one is looking, who they are far better, yeah, far better than a couple who are posting Instagram photos, big smiles, and different places.
FaatimahTo that note, there are so many studies that have talked about that, and that's why we don't look at social media and TV and movies and and say that this is the standard of behavior that we want to emulate because people are performing, they are wearing masks, and then we can talk about the mental health behind it, right? Like there's a study that recently came out that people that are are not posting all the other things on social media are more internally, they're they are are validating themselves internally, meaning they're showing emotional maturity and emotional growth, and they're happier than the people that are constantly posting because they need to be validated, they need other people to tell them that they're happy and that they're loved and that they're being seen and they're accomplished. They can't look at themselves and say, I'm happy with what I have. I don't need, you know, Susie and Tom to tell me that I know that I am. I don't need the world to see it because I know it. And then you're protecting yourself as well by not posting everything, right? We could block our own baraka, we can block our own risk by by posting all these things as well.
ZaydSo it's I mean All it takes is someone to see that photo and have jealousy in their heart, and their heart can make dua against you.
FaatimahYeah, and that's how you block your baraka for sure, definitely. And I mean, we can talk more on some of the dangers of social media and how that affects relationships and marriages and mental health and another topic. I think we should absolutely talk about that. Um, we're not gonna talk too much about that now, just outside, just understanding just so everyone knows though, I don't do it.
ZaydI don't have
Social Media, Privacy and Protecting Your Marriage
Zayda social media for my private life, just my businesses. And you, you have a personal one, but you only use it to share with your family members.
FaatimahCorrect. I have family members and friends that I have on there. Um, but even with them, I am not posting about our kids. I am not posting about my job. I am not posting about our home life, I am not posting about our relationship. Um, those are things that are sacred to me. Um, and I protect it at all cost. I do not feel the need to share it with people. I understand that some people want to do that. For me, I think I keep certain things private because I'm protecting them. And I think that's important. Like it goes back to what we were saying, right? Like how we are in our home is who we actually are, not who we are out in the public. Yeah, exactly. And I think that goes for the same as what we put on social media. Not everything we put on social media is who we actually are, and that's an important distinction because I know of marriages that failed because they compared it to what they saw other people doing on social media, and so that's why I think that's another compatibility thing.
ZaydAnd honestly, like when you work on your relationship in your house when no one is looking, all the other stuff out in public comes easier. And I'm talking from my experience, like you know, like I I had a really hard time with like PDA and me too. Right? But the second like you know, like we fixed it or we worked on it in private, it was just so much easier to grab your hand and walk with you or hug you out in public. I just didn't care if anyone saw, like, you know.
FaatimahBecause it was like so mundane, like it's just so mundane, it's just so normal.
ZaydIt's normal, yes, number one. And then number two, like the work that I did, like was practically rewiring my brain because of my parents. Like PDA was like, ooh, no, no, no.
FaatimahWell, yeah, I've seen your parents get PDA.
ZaydThat's different. Oh, that's different.
FaatimahYeah, interesting.
ZaydThat's because you're more than my parents get you're you're part of their in you know immediate family now. So that's why you see it. But anyone outside of us, the kids, like, no. Like, uh as soon as they walk out the house, my parents never held hands, they never touched each other, they just uh you kind of like just walk left, walk right, or sometimes walk side by side. But that's like like PDA. I wouldn't say that my dad thought it was haram, but he he kind of put it up there, he kinda insinuated that you know Muslims do not show PDA.
Physical Affection and Love Languages
FaatimahWell that's which is not true because the Prophet actually did actually have PDA. There were times there's an actual um Should we save this for another time another Well, but I think this is a compatibility thing too because love languages is a compatibility thing. Right, yeah. And so if a person um is demanding physical affection and physical touch as um a compatibility thing, then I think it's important to note that that is halal, public or in private. Like we are allowed to touch our spice our spouses' spices. Our spouses out in public. You hear that guy?
ZaydYou can touch your spices.
FaatimahYou can. Um sauce. Yeah, your spouse out in public and in private. There's an example of the Prophet taking Aisha to go see a performance of um a group of people that were performing, and she laid her head on his shoulder and on his shoulders. And so that is a form of PDA, right? And they did that out in public. And so um to say that you're not allowed to do that doesn't make sense.
ZaydI think it was just um my parents, though. I think it's a brown thing because that is definitely a brown thing.
FaatimahMy parents have barely touched each other.
ZaydSo I mean I I I think it's an I feel like this is gonna be another topic. They fought this they showed their. Love language by fighting.
FaatimahSo but some some people do. Um, I don't know that that's healthy and I don't know that that's actually a love language. Um, but um I don't want to talk about that because yeah, I I I think that's dysfunctional. Um for sure. But I grew up in a household where physical affection wasn't the norm. I none of the adults around me did it. That was considered a Western thing. And so um or modern thing, I don't know, it just wasn't something that we did. And I yeah, it it almost felt like it was considered haram. That was the way that was the vibe that I got. It wasn't implicitly stated, but it was kind of implied, like it was like read between the lines, hair type of thing.
ZaydYeah.
FaatimahUm, and then I think because it's not modeled, it's hard um when to rewrite that when you're in a relationship. And so I think understanding that about that person, because not that's not everyone's experience, right? That just happened to be yours and mine, right? And we both happen to have that experience. Um, I know other brown people that that wasn't the case. Yeah. They're familiar very affectionate with each other. Um, but I think that that's important. Like if physical affection and physical touch is important to you and that is your love language, then it's important that that's discussed because that can be a compatibility issue. Um, because a need to do it.
ZaydSo you mean like discussing whether like PDA, you want PDA or not?
FaatimahPDA meaning um like a a public display of affection. Um, I'm that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about physical touch.
ZaydSo like in your home, in private.
FaatimahYes, in the home in private, and in public if that's the case. But in I'm I'm thinking of that. Like we're going back to the square and circle thing here, right? Like, I might not need that, but you might need it. And so you might fit into my circle, but I'm not meeting your knee because you need the physical touch, and I'm not giving it to you because that's not something I need. So you haven't understood that.
ZaydCase in point anxiety, my anxiety.
FaatimahRight, yeah.
ZaydFor some reason, touch calms it, calms me down.
FaatimahCalms you down, right. Yeah, that's science too. There's a lot of science behind that. But yeah, and I think um we could talk about that when we talk about love languages and when we talk about like evolving as people. Um, like that wasn't something we discussed. Love languages and physical touch in that aspect, um, as a form of affection rather, um wasn't something that we discussed at that time because I didn't think it was really important to either of us, or we didn't realize it was important to either of us.
ZaydI remember you bringing up love language multiple times. I'm like, what the heck is love language? What do you mean love language?
FaatimahYeah, I know I brought up a language. Uh yeah, and you kind of dismissed it until more recently when I brought up why it's important and why it's a compatibility issue. And I think since we have discussed that, and this is why we will do a whole episode on love languages, is because I think there's a it's a theory, of course, but I think it is important and I think it worked for us because we had unmet needs. We both had unmet needs, and it primarily came around on how we want it to be loved, how we gave it and how we received it. And I think having that conversation, taking that test and understanding that about ourselves improved our relationship significantly because you might not realize that those needs are being unmet or and you might not realize how important it is until you have it. And then you realize you can't live without it. Yeah, exactly. So but that will probably maybe we could do that as our next topic, love languages. So that will be a nice segue from um compatibility because we do that.
Next Episode: Love Languages
ZaydSo next next week's episode, why don't you give us a preview of what next week's episode is gonna be?
FaatimahWe're gonna be talking about love languages because I think that will be um a nice follow-up um episode talking about um after coming out, talking about compatibility because love language is also a compatibility thing, but it needs its own episode, and I think there's a lot that can be said there, and I think um it is really important. And it's a theory, so it's not an exact science, but it helped our marriage significantly, and I think that it needs to be discussed.
ZaydAnd love language, can you give us like a brief description of it? For those who are scratching their head trying to figure out what is a love language.
FaatimahWell, we can just well, they're gonna have to just tune in to the next episode and figure that out.
ZaydTouche.
FaatimahYeah.
ZaydAlright,
Closing
Zaydthat does it for this episode. Again, this is Zach.
FaatimahAnd I'm Fatima.
ZaydAssalamu waraikum warahmatullahi, whatever they got to. See you next episode.
SpeakerWe're standing back to back in the door. Hearts too loud, but our lips taste skilled. Pride feels strong, but it's slowly breaking under the weight of what we feel. You turn away like you don't need me. I do the same, but we both know. Every silence is a reminder of the peace we scare to hold. Don't we forget lost the trust we can. Now the battle to survive. Why do we let the anger right? I don't want to get it. I don't want to fight. I just want to fight. I don't do it. I just want to go to the house.