No Lonely Roads
We're here to help you feel less alone through honest conversations about motherhood, mental health, anxiety, panic attacks, marriage, and everyday life. Every episode should leave someone feeling less alone than when they pressed play.
No Lonely Roads
Episode 3: Alison’s Anxiety Roadmap
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When Alison’s anxiety started
Navigating the journey of medications
Where she is today
I don't know if you need to hear this, but we're gonna talk about it. Anyways.
unknownI'm ready.
SPEAKER_01Well, welcome back, guys. Um this is part two of kind of our roadmaps of anxiety. So you've heard mine. Um now you're gonna get to hear Allison's roadmap to her anxiety, um, which we've already kind of talked about, but hers looks very different than mine.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01Um, so I'll let you take it away.
SPEAKER_00All right. So, like Ashley said, it's very different. Um, my anxiety started when I was a kid. Um, I didn't really realize that until now.
SPEAKER_01Um probably too young to know exactly what happens.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I do remember as a child, um I want to say I was probably like in elementary school.
SPEAKER_01Um you want to tell where you went to elementary school?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I went to uh Heritage Trificial Academy. I just think that kind of matters. Yeah. One of my very best friends, her name was Paige. Um we were like inseparable. And so she always wanted me to spend the night. Well, I would be over there all the time, like, you know, just hanging at her house all the time. But as soon as it would get dark, time to spend the night, I would throw up. And my mom would have to come get me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It was I thought you were just gonna say that she would just have to come get you, which I was gonna say at that at that age is very normal, but no throwing up.
SPEAKER_00I would throw like literally her mom would keep oxy clean at her house because of me.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00And it happened every time. And I don't know if it was just because a nervous stomach, like that's why. Yeah, I mean, that is a thing. So I would say that's where my anxiety started. Looking back now, I think I was just, I've always been, I think, a just a very nervous person, a worrier. I worry about everything. Um, but diagnosed-wise, I was diagnosed in college. Um, so we can take a look at that. So I went to Marihan Baylor. Um, I always told myself, and this is probably the fear of me spinning the night as a kid somewhere and throwing up. I told myself, I was like, I cannot go to college without knowing somebody, which I knew people there, but I'm like my roommate, like it can't be a random person.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Or it can't be a friend, like they don't know my issues, type of thing. So my sister, my older sister, she went to Texas Women's University at the time. She played soccer there. And I said, You have to transfer school, so you have to go to school with me. Well, she was struggling with academics at the time, like balancing the two. And so Mary Her Baylor being in T3, it was more focused on academics and um athletics. So she was like, Okay, cool. I'm like, what? Is this for real? So I didn't know y'all were roommates. Yes. So she uh walked on. So she saved you. Yeah, she walked on to the soccer team. Um, and she was my roommate. Even because I had to stay in a dorm my freshman year, obviously. Right. She even stayed in the dorm with me, even though she didn't have to.
SPEAKER_01Okay, that's a sister.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was the greatest thing ever.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00But saying that, let's see, we moved in in August or 2014.
SPEAKER_01Uh 2014, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, so I was real busy with software. Oh, yeah. Like you're going, going, going, you're doing all the things. Two-days, yeah, everything. So then um off season comes, and that's like around like you know, Christmas break, you got all these breaks, so we went back home. Um I remember coming back from Christmas break, and it it Belton was like two and a half hours from where we live. Right. And so we pulled into the dorm parking lot, and my body got cold on the inside. Um and like everything kind of started feeling like stiff. And I was like, Taylor, I think I'm because we shared a car at the time. So she was driving, and I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack.
SPEAKER_01And so it feels that way.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and so she called my mom and she was like, you know, something's wrong with Allison, I don't know what's wrong with her.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00And uh they were like, take her to the hospital. So I went to the hospital, and um the hospital was like, I don't know, 30 minutes away. So I'm like panicking the whole way there. And of course Taylor's panicking because she's like, What's wrong with my sister? Um, and she goes, uh, my mom, my mom is literally on her way, like she's trying to drive there as fast as she can't.
SPEAKER_01Which I can only imagine your mom trying to get there.
SPEAKER_00So we get to the hospital, we go inside, I'm telling them like all the weird symptoms, you know, feeling cold on the inside of my body. I I think I had chest pain at the time. Um, I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack. And so by the time my mom got there, they had admitted me. Um, and they were telling her, like, okay, we've got to run all these tests, and they did like an EKG. This is the most terrible part of the story. But my mom is standing up in the room when the doctor comes in and is telling me the results of the EKG, and he goes, Mom, I'm gonna need you to sit down. And she was like, Can I call my husband? Like, my husband's not here, like her dad. And she he was like, Yeah, sure. Um now, as a person with anxiety, I don't know why as a doctor you would do this, but he says, I think she has a blood clot in her heart, like we're gonna have to run all kinds of tests. And they were like, What? Like, she plays soccer, like she's she's she's active, she's healthy, and um yeah, so I was there for three days.
SPEAKER_01Um my gosh.
SPEAKER_00Yes, which probably was not good for no, they put me in the psych part of the hospital. Can you believe that?
SPEAKER_01Oh my.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm like, what the heck? Like, they're across from my room was people in handcuffs.
SPEAKER_01I was wondering if you saw some stuff.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So long story short, they ran all kinds of tests that had checked out. And finally, my mom was like, No more tests. Like, we all these tests have checked out fine. And you know, her heart is okay. They finally came back and was like, you know, I think she just has an abnormal heartbeat. Um my gosh. Yeah, it was it was a scary time, especially when you're really having a panic attack or nothing is actually wrong.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Um, so that's when I started anxiety medicine for the first time.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um, so you were what a fresh freshman in college?
SPEAKER_00I was a freshman in college, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Um, oh, going back to that, when they said I was had a blood clot in my heart, Taylor ran out of the room throwing up because she was so scared. Yeah, it was a whole thing. It was yeah, we should just have like video cameras, we should make a TV show. Oh seriously. Yeah. So the medicine that they put me on back then was called Boost Bar.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, yeah, so I don't think I had a panic attack medicine. I think it was just the everyday anxiety medicine. So I, after breaking out of the hospital, I went back to my dorm and I told my parents, I said, I'm done. I want to move back home. I don't want to play soccer, I don't want to go to school. I'm scared being two and a half hours away from home. Um, and thank God my parents talked me out of it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, they were like, no, because that's really not what you wanted to do.
SPEAKER_00Right. I was just scared. Yeah. Um, so think about that. Taylor moved into a dorm with me, and then a few months later, I'm like, get me out of here. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And she's like, she's like, excuse you. She's like, uprooted my life. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, but I did not. I stuck with it. I stayed on the uh boost bar to the point where obviously I got back in the in season of things. Um, I was better mentally. And um when you're busy with sports and stuff, it helps.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, your mind's busy.
SPEAKER_00So um I was on that medicine. Honestly, I stopped taking it because I felt so good.
SPEAKER_01It was one of those things.
SPEAKER_00Um when you're young, you're like, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. Like we moved out of the dorms the next year, we lived in an apartment, and it was the greatest time of life. I'm so glad that my parents never let me uh quit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So But look what it does to you the anxiety. Oh, yeah. I I am out.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. I was ready to throw in the towel of and that's all I ever wanted to do was play college soccer. Like exactly, and I was finally there. Yeah. Yeah, it's your mind, I tell you.
SPEAKER_02It's wild.
SPEAKER_00It does crazy things. It does. So let's see. So after that, so that was 2014. Oh, wait, no.
SPEAKER_012014 and the 15. Because you we started.
SPEAKER_00Wait, no, no, no. So 2010 was my freshman year. 2014 is when we graduated, right?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yes. 2010. 2010 was when we moved on.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh, we're old. Yes. Um, 2014 is when I graduated from college. Yes. Um, so that so once I graduated, I moved back home. And the anxiety, I was off the medicine because I was doing great. I was fine. Um what'd you major in? Exercise sports science.
SPEAKER_01Okay, okay. I couldn't remember.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01Um so off meds, doing wonderful.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I was off meds, I was doing great. I moved back home. And my sister got in a drunk driving accident. Um, which we could bring her on as a guest.
SPEAKER_01We could.
SPEAKER_00She has a story.
SPEAKER_01She does. She has a story. It's powerful. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It didn't affect just her life, it affected a lot of people's lives, and um, she'd probably love to talk about it. So I held guilt for the longest time that it was my fault that she got in the accident. Um, so the anxiety resurfaced. Um why did you have guilt that she got in the accident? Because I usually drove her and I wasn't there to drive her because I had got my wisdom teeth out. Okay. So um I went to therapy, I worked through that, and obviously realized it was not my fault. Yeah. Um so and you know, she really wouldn't be where she is today if that hadn't have happened. So it's kind of one of those things like thank God it happened, and thank God she's still alive to tell her story.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_00Um so I struggled. I had a job at an OV Gen office, and that was such a stressful time that I was trying to get back on medicine. Um, and so they were trying all kinds of different things. So I tried Prestique, I tried Zoloft, I tried um which is also hard on your body.
SPEAKER_01Like trying, like, you know, you're like trying all these medicines. And it, I mean, if you don't know anything about anxiety medicine, anxiety medicine, if if it's an everyday medicine, it takes a minute.
SPEAKER_00Well, and it makes you feel worse at first.
SPEAKER_01It does. It does. There's some weird side effects, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So it was tough because it was like I was trying all these different medicines. I was going to work, but I was also worrying about what was going on with my sister. Um, and I remember, I think it was Prestique. I remember being at work one day and I was in one of the exam rooms, and I was like, I'm blacking out. And they were like, just lay down. And so um I laid down, and next thing I knew, I remember I was in the car and I was sent to the hospital. Um but I think it was just that medicine didn't work well with my body. Um so there was this test back then where you could um figure out how your body metabolizes the medications.
SPEAKER_02Oh wow, okay.
SPEAKER_00Um which I've got a funny story about this, but long story short, Lexapro is what we came up with.
SPEAKER_01That took Lexapro for a while.
SPEAKER_00LexaPro was my holy grail. I really loved Lexapro. But I took that from 2014 to I guess 2020 when I got pregnant. Okay. Um, but it was one of those things too, like I felt great, so I wouldn't take it all the time. Um which I was also going through some stomach issues. I've I've had stomach issues my entire life, but also I think it's related to nervous stomach.
SPEAKER_01Um which we've talked about.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Um, so I was losing a lot of weight, yeah. And all this was happening like right before I got pregnant. So um they had me stop my medication when I got pregnant because really I was kind of like wishy-washy on it. And you know, if you don't have to take a medication while you're pregnant, then don't take it. Yeah. Now I don't ever want to get off my medicine. So same. So I was on the Lex Pro, I loved it. I stopped it when I was pregnant. Um, and that's where everything changed because my panic attacks back then were like feeling cold inside, and I had this weird, like cold sensation in my teeth. Oh. Um, and then like my muscles tightening.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So that's kind of how it presented itself pre-baby. After baby, had Sage while I was pregnant, I did take my panic attack medicine.
SPEAKER_01Well, I was wondering, I was about to ask you if you still had panic issues when you were pregnant.
SPEAKER_00So, yes, which also it was COVID. So I mean brought on a whole nother side of that was just not good for yeah, that was not good for my anxiety. Yeah. Um, but I was still able to take my panic medicine just in smaller doses. That's when I started breaking them in half.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Um, which got me through my pregnancy. Um, and Sage is fine. She's great in danger. Yeah. Um, so after that, it was I wanted to take the Lexapro so bad.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because when I had Sage, it was like a whole different world of anxiety. It was like, oh my god, what if I pass out while I'm driving? Oh my god, what if I pass out? When we're out somewhere. And the way that it presented itself was like jello legs.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then my fear became, what if I pass out?
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01When I met, when we reconnected, you were in the thick of the passing out scariness.
SPEAKER_00So when I went into Ashley's boutique that day, um, it's like I couldn't be anywhere where I had to stand for a long time. Like I just had to run in and come out. You know, like I just, and I always had to have my water. I don't know if you noticed that.
SPEAKER_01Excuse me.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. Yeah. That's my my emotional support cup.
SPEAKER_01Funny story, really quick. Yep. We were going to my sister's at the time fiance, they're married now. My sister's fiance's white coat ceremony in Conroe. No, maybe that wasn't in Conroe. Uh, Stephenville, I'm sorry. Sorry, he's gone to so many different schools, and now he's in med school. Um, but he we were going to his white coat ceremony, and I'm like nervous because I can't sit there that long. And I remember the story. Yeah. And my mom is like, you can't take that water in. I'm like, yes, I can. Watch me. And I did. I'll walk straight in with it. And if they were gonna give me a hard time, I was gonna be like, look, I have issues. Yeah. I have to have this. Yeah. It's water. Look. I don't know what it is about carrying water, but I think it's just like the coldness of it. It's something I have to have it at all times. Alec makes fun of me because this thing even goes in the airport with me. I just dump it out. As soon as we get through security, more water goes in.
SPEAKER_00See, you know what's funny is I carry mine. Yeah. Because water just tastes different in a Stanley or it does. What is that? A hydrogen? Hydrogen. Yeah. It just tastes different. Um it does. Like I can't just drink it out of a bottle. No, I'm the same way. But if I'm at an airport or even like if I can't take it somewhere, the first place I'm stopping is a concession stand or something to get a water. Absolutely. I have to have water.
SPEAKER_01Me too. Like had they not have let me get get in with this, oh no. I would have been I'd buy uh bind all the waters.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. I have to have my water.
SPEAKER_01Sorry to derail, but no, you're good.
SPEAKER_00You're good. You're good. Um well, why did I start talking about water? Have to have my water. I was talking about Legs Pro.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you were talking about how you were at the stage when you walked into my store. Oh, that you had to have something. You like were uh jelly legs, couldn't stay in very long, always had to have water.
SPEAKER_00Yes, so that's that's how it started presenting itself is the jelly legs and just feeling like I'm gonna pass out. Which then made me think, is there something wrong with my heart?
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah. I mean, anyone would be like, like what I'm like a health problem?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because I'm like, I'm healthy, but then like I've just had a kid, so like maybe something happened, you know, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00So, of course, saw doctors, cardiologists, war halter monitors, all the things. Wow, everything was fine. Yeah, and I'm like, what's wrong with me? Like, what could be causing this? And then I Google, don't Google.
SPEAKER_01Oh, don't Google.
SPEAKER_00Um, don't Google. But the one thing I was not doing, oh, because I didn't tell y'all this. I tried to take my Lexapro again, and literally I would take it and I would have blurred vision for the rest of the day. Um, I could not open my eyes until it got out of my system. I felt like I was gonna throw up. Um, yeah, it was terrible.
SPEAKER_01Which is wild because it wasn't like that before you had it.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh that just goes to tell you when you have a baby, your genetic makeup changes.
SPEAKER_01Everything changes.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. And you can't be like that when you have a newborn. No. Like you've got to be able to function.
SPEAKER_01Just take your medicine and you're like, I I can't see my kid.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So my easy way out was, well, then I'll just raw dog it and just not take anything. And that was not the answer. Um, so I went back to my PCP, I told her what was happening, and she was like, I don't understand that. You know, you took it fine before, and you know, maybe just try again. Well, I was scared, so it took me a while to try again. But when I did, I just broke it into a smaller piece and I was like, maybe it's just too much hitting me at all at one time because I had lost a lot of weight, and I was like, maybe it's just too much. And same thing with the smaller dose.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_00And I was like, okay.
SPEAKER_01I can't do this.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Then it scared me. It got to the point where like, okay, the anxiety, can I manage it more than I hate these side effects? Like, yeah, I'm just gonna try to manage it. Um, I would come into Ashley's shop, look at Rokasa products, all natural, um, use those for a while. Um, I love it. And we would like talk a little bit about it, but not to the extent.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Not like, oh my god, I'm about to croak over. I need these products. Can I sit on your blue couch? Yeah, yeah. More like, oh, this looks great. Let me see if it helps. Um so at that point, I was struggling. Yeah. Bad. Um, that's when our kids played soccer together. I was running out of games, never running out of practices, having panic attacks.
SPEAKER_01Um and when I say like panic attacks, like I would get to the parking lot and she's like crying.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like, because it it had worked you up that bad.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and also like what Ashley said, like give yourself grace, because I was mad at myself because I couldn't sit in there and watch games, or I was more just thinking, like, why is this happening to me? Yeah, or what's wrong with me. Um, but I was scared to take the medicine. So, like going back to having anxiety about taking anxiety medication, that is so real. A lot of people that happen to happens to. Um, and that that's me to a T. So let's see. I tried to beat it naturally for what stage is five? So five years.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, because this past January is when I finally decided to try a different medication. Um, well, actually, I went to my doctor's office and I said, look, I want the genetic test again. Um, which this one is actually a different genetic test than the other one. Um, but I wanted to, I think having your mind look at it and be like, this is okay to take, it helps a little bit. Oh, yeah. And I needed that push. Um, so I had them do the genetic test. They were like, it's probably gonna be the same. No, completely different. It was red all over it. Lexapro, red.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00So my genetic makeup literally changed. Changed. Yeah. And we landed on Cymbalta, and it sat in my cabinet for four months.
SPEAKER_01I remember you uh you I'm like, have you tried it yet?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_00Same thing. Xanax, she's trying to get me Xanex, sat in my cabinet. Like, you don't know a lot of people that are just like, nope, Xanax getting put up in the cabinet.
SPEAKER_01But if you but you've had that reaction before, and that it And I don't like feeling.
SPEAKER_00No, no, I don't either. The feeling of feeling out of control of your body.
SPEAKER_01I don't like that.
SPEAKER_00And that's that's probably why I don't drink anymore because that's that's that's the problem. Is that you don't want to feel out of control of your body. Um but yeah, so I it was literally January 1st, or New Year's Eve. I think it was like literally after midnight. I was like, all right. Donnie's like, all right, you gotta do it. Oh, that's another thing. Let me go back. So August of 2023, um I had appendicitis.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I forgot about that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I woke up one morning and I was like, my stomach like hurts. Like I could not stand up straight. Um I think I took Sage to school that day, or maybe Donnie took her, I don't know. And I laid there and I was like, okay, I just couldn't figure out. I just had a I had a weird this weird feeling in my stomach. Well, finally, oh wait, no, Donnie didn't take her because he was out of town.
SPEAKER_01Oh gosh.
SPEAKER_00So maybe one of my parents took her. I don't know. Uh anyway, she went to school, and I made an appointment with my PCP. I got up, I was like crunched over, I drove myself to my PCP and I was like, I don't know what is wrong with my stomach. Well, she made me take this like H. pylori test, like like a gut bacteria. And um, like they think about like ulcers or stuff like that. Um, but whenever I laid down on the table, she like pushed in one spot and I was like, ow. And she was like, I think it's your appendix. And I was like, what?
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00So she was like, I want you to go get a CT scan. And so I went over to um the imaging place, and long story short, if you want to use insurance, it takes like two days or something. And so Donnie was like, just go to the ER. And I was like, but I feel like I don't need to, like, I don't want to just go to the ER. Thank God I did because I ended up having appendicitis. Oh my god. He came all the way back home. I don't even know, I don't remember where he was. Um he came all the way back home, met me at the hospital. Um we were I was still in the waiting room at that time. They had done imaging, they thought it was my gallbladder. I finally get back there. I don't know, it was probably like nine o'clock that night. And this had all started like the morning, so it was it was all day. Um, and they were like, You have a benicitis, and I was like, Cool. They were like, but the surgeon's already gone, so you gotta wait till the morning to have your surgery. And I was like, Oh, great. So, yeah. They took my appendix out the next morning, and there was cancer on it, which is it's a rare cancer, which if anybody knows me, if something rare or weird is gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me.
unknownThey do.
SPEAKER_02I don't know why that's me, but yeah, like the staff, okay?
SPEAKER_00Like yeah, yeah, just like staff. Um, but yeah, and I got the report before the doctor called me.
SPEAKER_01So you could see it.
SPEAKER_00So I could see it. So then I started googling.
SPEAKER_01You saw the C word.
SPEAKER_00Well, it didn't even say cancer, it just said tumor. And so I started Googling, like, what is this? And it freaked me out. Oh yeah. Um, yeah, it was terrible. So I didn't see the doctor for like a week after that. So I'm like sitting there thinking about it.
SPEAKER_02Oh no.
SPEAKER_00And mind you, I wasn't on anxiety master or anything at the time, I was just suffering. Um, so I saw the doctor, he told me, look, this is what has happened, this is what we found. Then he proceeds to say, usually with this type of cancer, when you find it, it's too late. And me and my husband looked at each other like and I just started bawling. And Donnie's like, Do you understand this? This woman has severe anxiety. Like, you just freaked her out. Oh yeah, it was terrible. It was so bad.
SPEAKER_01Did oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was so bad. So, got all these incisions. I'm like crying because I find out that I have cancer, don't know what's next. Um, end up seeing somebody that I know in the waiting room when I leave, and I'm like calling.
SPEAKER_01You're like, I gotta get myself together. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, anyways, they get me set up with an oncologist, and she is the best oncologist ever. Like, I don't ever want to stop seeing her. Like, yes, I do, but I don't at the same time. But she has been like so helpful. So I go see her, and she's like, Out of all the cancers, if you're gonna have any cancer, you want this one. And I was like, Oh, cool.
unknownOh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01And she was like, bedside manners, and I was like, come on now.
SPEAKER_00That just tells you the difference.
SPEAKER_01It's like, do I have to wear a hat that says I have anxiety, don't freak me out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like can you tread lightly, please? Um, so yeah, so she told me, like, she basically had like a pin, and she was like, the tip of this pin is the size of the tumor that they found. Um yeah. And she was like, it's the slowest growing cancer. Like a lot of people never know they have it because like, unless you have appendicitis, you don't know that. Right. Um, so thank God for the appendicitis. Um, but I see her every six months, they do all the blood work, and all my levels have been perfectly fine since having it removed. But she was the one that told me the last time I was there, well, six months before. Um no, so I saw her September of last year. And she told me, you have six months to get on anxiety medicine. Because every time I would go in her office, like you have to fill out this questionnaire, which for cancer patients, you know, like you have to like, you know, a lot of them are way worse than my case was. So, like the depression and anxiety, which is so valid. So I had to fill out it all out. Well, mine was like not anxiety from the cancer, like I would just fill it out, and it was for life reasons, not for the cancer. So she was like, You've got six months to figure this out. Yeah. Because like every time you come in here, you're crying. Well, not that she hated it or anything, like it was just like a therapy session. But Sage was in there with us, like, so she was like, You can't continue to let your kid watch you cry and um suffer and struggle. And so she even told me, she was like, I will write you any prescription that you want for anxiety, like you just tell me which one you will take and I will write it for you.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, so Donnie reminded me New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. He was like, Look, you gotta do this. Dr. Haffer told you you got six months, so you've got to get on to medicine before you go back and see her. And so I was like, Okay, I'm doing it. So I sat in the living room in the dark. I just remember this so vividly. Donnie went to bed, sat in the living room in the dark with the pill in my hand. And it took me probably like an hour to take it.
SPEAKER_01To work up to take it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because I was so scared. And so I took it, I went and laid down in bed, and I was up the entire night. The entire night. Anxious or not anxious? Well, yes, because were you just worried how it was gonna affect you? So I think that was part of it, but also like my PCP told me to take it at night. And um, but the way it was making me feel, it was like almost like I had like 70 cups of coffee. Like I was like so wired, like wired, but then it was making me anxious.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, so yeah, I was like, whoa, no. I can't do I can't do this, but it didn't give me the blurred vision, so I was like, okay, well, I can like I can have it. Like, I can do this. So I told Melody about it, and she was like, take it in the morning. Okay, and so I skipped obviously day and then took it the the next morning after that. And it still made me feel like weird, yeah, but I would it was I was still functional. Functionable, yeah. Um, so yeah, but I was still waking up in the middle of the night. I think it was like at three o'clock every night. I was waking up, I would turn Reba on, and I'll watch Reba. Donnie would wake up and I'd be watching Reba, and he's like, What are you doing? I'm like, oh nothing. Um all things, Reba. I don't know why it's Reba, but you know what? It's one of those feel-good shows. It is, it is. Um, so that happened for I mean, it still happens sometimes, but I was it was every night on the dot, I was waking up. Um, but that weekend was also Sage's birthday.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00And we went to the ranch, and I was like, oh my god, how am I gonna do this at the ranch? And um, and we ended up celebrating our birthday down there, and it was totally fine. We have a TV in there, turn Reba on right when I woke up. You know, just swatched Reba. Uh I don't know what it is about Reba, but Reba got me through it.
SPEAKER_01Um my mom used to love Reba, watching Reba.
SPEAKER_00I don't know what it is, it's just like one of those photos. It is, it is. Um, so yeah. So now I've been on Cymbaltis since January, and it has changed in my life.
SPEAKER_01It really has. Like, I've seen it.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Even Donnie will tell you, like, whoa.
SPEAKER_00Anybody that has been around me has noticed the difference.
SPEAKER_01Huge difference.
SPEAKER_00Um, but I've also added therapy in too, so that's that's helpful.
SPEAKER_01It's a big piece.
SPEAKER_00Um, because she helped me when I got on the medicine, like navigate all the symptoms, and a lot of my trigger now is heat, which is weird because I was like we played you know soccer and it was in August, and I mean we were out there in 110 degree weather and it was fine. But no.
SPEAKER_01Talk a little bit about how like you you couldn't sweat. Oh, it was like wild.
SPEAKER_00Yes, so yeah, that like went through this. I don't know if it was because my body was such in fight or flight, yeah, I wasn't sweating.
SPEAKER_01Which was making it worse.
SPEAKER_00Yes, because I would go in somewhere and I would feel like I was suffocating because my body would never break of sweat to cool me down.
SPEAKER_01Um she like literally wouldn't sweat. Yes, like we would I'm like in the rise sweating, and I'm looking at you and I'm like, what's wrong with like why are you not sweating?
SPEAKER_00It was it it's weird. So then I got to the point where I was isolating myself because it's hot outside, yeah, and I couldn't be outside, and then Sage got older and she was playing sports, and then I was sitting in the car during practices and even games that I have to go run outside.
SPEAKER_01When you were doing event hat events too. Yes, and that was a whole thing.
SPEAKER_00I always have to bring my fan. Yeah um, so I don't know really what the sweating was because I asked the cardiologist because I went down this road thinking I had pots from I remember that.
SPEAKER_01I remember that.
SPEAKER_00Um and I thought pots was maybe causing the no-sweating issue. Um, but everybody kind of looked at me like, I have no idea what that problem is.
SPEAKER_02It's wild.
SPEAKER_00Um, so then they were like, go to a dermatologist and get like a skin test. But I was like, it's not really that. Like it's more just like my body won't produce sweat for some reason. Um, but since I've been on the medicine, I sweat. She's sweating. But my body's still not used to being in the heat, so I gotta work back up to that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But you are doing so much better with that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like I would have never been able to sit at that softball game.
SPEAKER_01No. For that, and like you've come over multiple times and we've sat outside for like three hours with the girls while they sweat.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I don't know. That was a weird, that was a weird uh side effect of being sighedy, I guess. I don't I don't know what it was.
SPEAKER_01Well, and then you I I feel like you would you would be in a panic situation, and then you felt like you needed to be sweating, but then you weren't, and so then it you you just kept spiraling because you weren't sweating. Why am I not sweating?
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, and then I would go like overheated. Why am I not sweating? So literally, this doctor one time told me, like, just like try to like you're sitting. Like, are you supposed to be sweating? I don't know. Like, maybe people around you are sweating, but maybe your body doesn't need to sweat.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00But I'm like, I feel like I should be. So he's like, why don't you just start walking? And I was like, I started running circles around my house. I'm like, I'm gonna make myself sweat. And never, it would never happen. And they were like, what are you doing? You haven't ran since what 2014, 2015? Like, what are you doing? Uh absolutely not. Do not start off like that. Start slow and walk. That's what like when Ashley asked me, hey, you want to be my wife?
SPEAKER_01I completely forgot. I oh my god, I completely forgot that about this whole sweating thing. And I texted her one day and I was like, Hey, you want to start coming over when the girls go back to school and work out or whatever? And she's like, uh no, I just now started sweating again.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. She asked me if I want to walk or run around the neighborhood, and I was like, uh, let me start with walking. Yes. But also I need some AC. Yes. Which that shop in there, we need some.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00I need to start doing some squats or something. Um, anyway, so Cymbalta has been my saving grace.
SPEAKER_01Lifeline.
SPEAKER_00Um therapy as well. And I have not taken my panic attack medicine since January.
SPEAKER_01Awesome.
SPEAKER_00Which is amazing because I was taking it all the time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, flights.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh just going places to be honest, like grocery store, which grocery stores are still a trigger for me. I don't I don't love being at the back of a store, and it's like once I get to the back of the store, everything goes dark, narrow. Like, yeah. I don't know. It's like the walls start closing in. Um, but it started, you know, before I got on the medicine, it started affecting daily life. That's why I had to do it, and thank God I did. Yep. Um, but it took lots of medications, it took lots of trial and errors, um, lots of courage and giving myself grace because like my husband, he never struggled with it. Um he does now, um, which we always joke that I just rubbed off on him and caused him to worry about things. Um but yeah, it's just it's it's taken a lot.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, my story's a lot different than Ashley's.
SPEAKER_01It is, it is. It's it's wild how yours that started at such a young age has changed so much. Yeah, it's been like this. Right.
SPEAKER_00And then like you start to feel normal or like better, and then well, and I think that's I think that's why it's like I always go to what's wrong with me, because it's like it's presenting itself different. Oh, yeah. But it's still anxiety, right? Um which sucks. You finally figure out one way, and then it's like, here, let me throw a curveball.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00Um but yeah, like I mean, I got to the point where, you know, I want another kid, and it's like, I think if I got pregnant, I would die. Because my body just felt like that. Like if I was carrying a human inside of me, I would croak over and die.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But now I finally got to the point where I feel better mentally, and I feel like I could accomplish that. So it's like gaining gaining confidence back.
SPEAKER_01That's huge. So yeah, and I do think I like that you mentioned confidence. I do think to a certain extent, anxiety can take your confidence. Oh, yeah. Big time. Um, I mean, so funny too, because my husband, um, we were having a conversation the other day, and he was like, you know, when I when when I first met you, or you were you were like so confident. You were like the most confident person I knew. It was so attractive, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I'm still confident. He's like, Yeah, but I want you to be that like, be confident. Like, you have a lot going for you. You you just because you have anxiety doesn't mean that you can't be confident. And so I think through the course of this whole anxiety journey, I did lose confidence. Yeah. Um, you become a shell of a person. You do.
SPEAKER_00And you want to just crawl in a hole and just want it to go away, but you've got to attack it to be able to win. Which it's funny that you say that about confidence because um this is going back to my sister's accident. Yeah. Um, when that all happened, I was a very protective middle sister.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um I could see that. And after her accident, like she was doing great, and she was dating this guy, and he took her to the bar after this had all happened and got her drunk, which I mean he probably like didn't like physically make it. Right, right, right. But um, anyways, they came back to the house and they were both drunk. I was pissed. Yeah. Like, I was so mad.
SPEAKER_01Do you know what she's going through?
SPEAKER_00Ashley?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I yanked this kid off the ground of my parents' media room by the neck of the shirt. Oh my god. And I drug him down the stairs, and my dad comes out because he's like, What is happening? And I'm dragging this kid down the stairs, and I throw him outside. And he had this look in his eyes. Like, it was scary. But I was like, punch me, hit me.
SPEAKER_01Dare ya.
SPEAKER_00But now, like, you know, with all the anxiety, I feel like Oh yeah, you would have just been like, Yeah. But I was like, a very isn't that funny? Very mean.
SPEAKER_01It's just, it's just wild that what it what anxiety can take from you. Oh yeah. Like it, it really is. And how it can control even something like your confidence.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So if you're in the thick of it, let's just say this. Like, if you're in the thick of it, it will it will get better. Um, but you cannot hide yourself, like crawl in a hole and just think, okay, it's just gonna pass. Um, because I tried that, obviously. I tried all the natural things. I tried, you know, it people think of medication sometimes as a right, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Something like that's not great to use.
SPEAKER_01Like a cop out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but sometimes like that's just what you need to get over the hump. Oh, yeah. And that's exactly what I needed.
SPEAKER_01And hormonal imbalances are a thing. I mean, I even talking to my therapist, she's like, you know, when you're in that fight or flight and you're you're going through it, like your balance is off.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And so sometimes you just need it to help you just streamline a little bit. Yeah. That way, because what I think anxiety medicine has done, I think for both of us, is it's allowed us to think differently about the anxiety in the moment. Yes. Because without the medicine, I feel like I would still be like, Yeah, and I would think the worst immediately.
SPEAKER_00Immediately.
SPEAKER_01And not that immediately.
SPEAKER_00Not that I don't think the worst now, but I'm more open to the fact of well, it's fine. If it happens, it happens. If it happens, it happens. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So it's it's a tool. It's a it's one of those where it's a it's a resource and it's a tool.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so don't let anybody ever make you feel like medication is a bad thing because it can be the most wonderful thing and get you back on track where you need to be. Um, and that's one thing that I I say now. I'm like, I don't ever want to quit it. Yeah. Like I did before, because I would stop them. But now I'm like, I just want, I mean, I obviously don't want to be on on it for the rest of my life, but I do not want to be back where I was. No. So no. That is that's my story.
SPEAKER_01I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I learned a lot. I mean, there were some things that I already knew, but there were some things that I had no idea. And I I had no idea that you had the the guilt stuff with your sister's neck. And I yeah, I had no idea that it even your anxiety goes back all the way to elementary school.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Which is funny to say. It is, but that's the only thing I can think of. I mean, it's I'm probably just more of a nervous stomach, but yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but at the same time, it's a quality that you've that you've had.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm a very homebody person. So yeah.
unknownThat's it.
SPEAKER_00That was good. Yeah. That's all on that.
SPEAKER_01I love it.
SPEAKER_00What do you want to talk about next? I don't know. So maybe next episode we can talk about sending our kiddos off to kindergarten.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00I know what says that.
SPEAKER_01Um it is it it is easy though, because they're both very excited. Like they're they're loving it. They're thriving. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. We can do that next time. Yeah. Maybe talk about um maybe how um because one thing that I'm really trying to focus on is with Allie, and you're probably doing the same with Sage, is like, I want my kid to be able to express themselves. Like I don't want Allie to grow up thinking that if she does have a problem, or if she is nervous about something, or if she is anxious about something that we hide. Yep. I'm very, very like I want her to know like if you are anxious about something, let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_00So that's what I told Sage um before she started kindergarten. Like, she kept saying she was nervous. And I was like, it is 1000% okay to feel nervous. Like that is so normal.
SPEAKER_01That is a normal feeling.
SPEAKER_00And I also like, I don't want you ever to be scared to tell me anything.
SPEAKER_01No, no, I'm the same way. So yeah, let's we can touch on that. I like it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00All right, cool.
SPEAKER_01Well, thank you all for listening.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and we'll see you back for the next episode. See you next time. Bye.