O2L. E2 Believe!

In this heartfelt episode of One Old Lady, she shares stories from her life, the lessons she has learned through the years, and how her faith in Jesus Christ has guided her through both difficult and joyful seasons. A warm, personal conversation about life, faith, family, and trusting God through it all.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hi, this is Barb again, one old lady with a great God. And boy, this is a lot harder than I thought it'd be. I think I'm a fighting myself more than anybody with doing this podcast. I know I am fighting myself more than anybody. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I have anything to say. It's not going to be long enough. It's not going to be helpful enough. But really, the reason that I'm doing it is to be able to share the things that the Lord has taught me and maybe be an encouragement to other people. That's basically what I want to do. So here I am again. Just gonna do it. Do I prepare and write it all out? Or do I just impromptu just do it? I don't know. I've never done this before, and it's very beyond me, and yet I know that God really put on my heart to do this. And ordinarily I'm a good talker, but talking into a microphone just all by myself is just kind of weird and a little overwhelming. And so here I am again. It was interesting this morning when I was having my devotions. I was reading in Nehemiah how when Nehemiah went back to build the wall, there were a lot, there was a lot of opposition to him, but he it talked about all the opposition that he said, and he built the wall. I'm like, the opposition didn't didn't phase him because he knew he was doing what God had called him to do. And it was kind of an encouragement for me. I get a lot of encouragement from God's word. That's one of the things that probably is the most important thing in my life is having that time reading the Bible daily, usually through the years. When I started reading the Bible, I it would take me, I just would read it through, and that took me two or three years, especially with the children around. But I wanted to build that habit of having a devotions in the morning, because I'm more of a morning person, although here I am at 10:30 at night recording this podcast because it's weighing on me, and I decided I'm just gonna talk instead of having anything majorly prepared, but just talk about life and myself and just things that I want to say. And I want to say how important God's word is to me. It's like a filter or a or a lens that I see the world through. Um I've been a Christian now for 48 years, and I've probably read through the Bible, I don't know, at least 30 times because the last, I think it's like 20 years, I have this great Bible reading plan that is 25 days. And there's four different places you're reading every day in the Bible. And but with 25 days, I have a few extra days in case I get behind. When I started having a quiet time, it was I was very legalistic and had to do it first thing in the morning and because seek first the kingdom of God. And then that was okay though for a season because it helped me relax or helped me to build the habit, and then I could relax later and just be able to um to not have a sense of have to, but uh, but it just changed into a want-to, and then sometimes it's a want-to, sometimes it's a should, but most of the times it's a want-to, and sometimes it's a a joy and rejoicing, mostly after when I've just been encouraged greatly through the word. But that that's the filter or lens that I see life and and everything through. Because not only do I want to read the Bible, I want to live it out. Because that's really that's wisdom. That's that's the way God has it planned. And He has that purposeful, abundant life in store for us, but it's as we walk with Him, even though it's imperfect. Actually, today with the three times I tried and failed. Actually, it was four because the first time I forgot how to turn the voice memo on. So it didn't record anything. And then it was too short, and then I made so many mistakes. I was like, ah, just forget it. And uh I did my escape that I use is I'll watch a movie or two. I know after after my husband died, it was the first part of December when he died. And then we had waited and had his funeral when everyone was here in Omaha for Christmas, and so then everybody was around, and then in January, I kind of crashed because then all of a sudden I'm alone. And then three months later, my dad died. Four months later, I don't know, April 1st or I think it was April 1st. He died, and that was the last caregiving responsibility I had because my mom died the year before in 2021. My husband died in 2022 in December, my dad died in April of 2023, and then all my caregiving and I didn't caregive for my parents, but I oversaw their care and took care of finances and just everything about them, even though they didn't live here with me. But it was like I don't even know who I am now because caregiving was a very overwhelming uh just whole life kind of thing. I did keep the going to the gym through those years, but because that was just essential for my mental health, I think. But and he was never terrible. I was more terrible than he was in in many ways. I just I'd get frustrated and I don't know. I I'll tell you about my worst day ever, I think. And that was when he was I don't know, a few years, a couple years before he died, I think. And I was mad, and I don't even remember the why I was mad, which is very interesting. I don't remember the situations that I'm in that create these emotions, but I remember the emotion and I remember the thoughts, and I was mad. And I said, we are going nowhere today. And and I stayed in my pajamas all day, and I just he steered clear of me because he knew if I I was in one of those moods to just steer clear. And I did what I wanted. I thought, okay, what do I want to do? Well, I want to have my devotions. So I did. I mean, not a very good attitude to do that, but I did it. And and then I thought, well, what else do I want to do? And I think I read a fiction book. I can't remember for sure, but I just kind of checked out of the day. I must have fixed supper because otherwise I Larry could fend for uh breakfast and lunch, and he had snacks around too, because he liked those. But I think I fixed supper too. But when I did finally get back up, probably late afternoon, I can't remember the time, but I just remember thinking, okay, I gotta pull myself together here. And the word that came to me was Emmanuel, and you know what Emmanuel means. It means God with us. And it was as if God was saying, I was with you on your worst day, and I still love you. And it just made me feel so many things crushed that I was so mean and unkind because my goal is kindness through the whole caregiving thing with my husband. And and embarrassed and shame and feeling shame because I acted so terrible, but yet to be so loved by the Lord, even through that, on my hardest day, on my worst day, my last day, was amazing. And it just showed me how it's more dependent on God's greatness and his goodness than my doing everything perfectly. And you know, I never had a day like that again because I just I was so aware of God's greatness and God's enabling me to do what I had purposed to do through the caregiving thing. And I had my goal was to be kind, and my um desire was to give him a gentle journey through this time. There was a time too when I was so, so frustrated with him. Once again, I don't remember the circumstance, but I remember the extreme frustration. And I thought, what is the thought behind this intense feeling of frustration? And I thought, well, the only thought that makes any sense is he shouldn't be this way. And I thought, well, that's a dumb thought. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's, it's obvious he's got Lewy body dementia. And so he's exactly the way he's supposed to be, is the true thought. And the very next thought that came to my mind was, and he didn't wish this on himself. And you know the frustration, you know how when you boil water, it just the steam rises, and it was just like that frustration just dissipated into the air. And what came back with that second thought, and he didn't wish this on himself, was compassion. He would never have chosen that. And even through all of it, he tried to love me, and he tried to be a good husband, even in even though he couldn't really be. And so that compassion came, and and you know, I never got that frustrated again with him. Throughout that whole journey, God gave me different verses at different times. I just, you know, circling back to the whole idea of of my devotion time being so valuable. I just, it's the lens, it's the filter that I see life through. I desire to live it out. I that's where I hear from the Lord. That's why I love the plan that I do, because it's four different, four different sections in scripture. So if one is kind of eh, then another one will speak. And so there's so many things. And, you know, there's so many good books in the world, but it's not nothing like the Bible, because the Bible is God inspired, and and it just it all fits together so beautifully. The more I read it, the more I see how it all is one book written by many authors over over hundreds of years, and it's just an amazing, amazing, powerful book. And and when I'm when I read, there'd be a not always, but overall, there's a word, phrase, a verse, even a section or insights into that, or I'll look up the Hebrew or Greek words and and get thoughts about it. And it's just it's just so powerful and has changed my life. And it's it's like I said, the the filter that I see life through thus when I do blow it, which I royally do, I just see me being an ordinary person, but a great God who keeps me and keeps working in my life and keeps changing me and growing me and transforming me to into all he wants me to do to be. And that's circling around then to this podcast. That's why I'm doing this, because I feel like this is what he's called me to do. Even though it is way beyond me and way too hard and way scary and stretching me very much. But that's that's good, that's how we grow, and I know that. But I don't always oh, I never finished that story that I was telling about after Larry died and my caregiving was done. The month of January, I didn't know who I was, I mean, hardly, and and it was all just I was exhausted and over and and so alone and it was so weird. And I did my escape, which was movies. I decided I really don't like shows because they I'll binge watch them, and I really don't like that. But I watched so much TV just so that I didn't have to think about life and handling everything here. Because handling everything here was was kind of overwhelming because I was responsible for everything. I mean, I was responsible for everything before, because he had slowly been unable to do things, but at least he was still here. And I mean, he mowed until mowed the yard every week during summer and spring and fall, but um until that summer before he died. Now he shouldn't have, because I tried to get him to mow just the front one day and the and the back another day, but he couldn't do it. It just he just couldn't, and he'd come in white as a ghost and sweaty as all get out. One day I just said, Do you want me to call grandson to mow for you? He said, Yes. Yes, good, because I hated to see him so so uh exhausted from it. So, anyhow, after he died, then that next month in January, I did check out a life there for a month and and uh got some good coaching during that time and and came to the realization I don't I'm not responsible for everything. I manage everything, but I don't have to mow and I don't have to do this and that, I just have to arrange for someone to do it, which is still being responsible for it, but it's not like I have to do everything. So that helped a little bit. I managed everything, still do, and it's still a little overwhelming sometimes. But I guess through the last few years I kind of had to figure out who I am now and discovered I'm still mom, I'm still grandma, I'm still friend, I'm still me, I still walk with the Lord, still have my quiet time, still enjoy fitness, that makes me happy, so do that. Like to eat healthy, that's me, and I'm finally getting back to stitching and and sewing. I like to sew uh quilts, not big ones usually anymore, they're too big, but little wall hangings or table runners or things like that. And I'm just getting back into that and I'm really excited about that. And so kind of evolving, I think. I think we always are kind of evolving, you know. I know the the hardest things that I've gone through in life are probably the boys' deaths and and Larry's the years of his uh demise, I guess you could call it. And but yet those very things changed me. Changed me so much, and I love what God's created created me to be now, and what he is continuing to create me to be. Because he creates us in the womb. We see that in scripture, but then he's not done, for it's God who's at work in us to will and to work his good pleasure. So he's still working, he's still working that work of creating in us, and he uses the good times, you know, those are great, and we grow and we become, but the hard times too, he means he means for growth. And I look back and I don't regret the hard things that I've had to go through. And my guys are all safe, they knew the Lord, they're with him, so they're okay. It's only me that can be kind of a mess about it, but that's part of the plan of becoming who God's created us to be. And I feel like the family and and the life coaching and just encouraging people, and that's drawing people toward the Lord and encouraging people in their lives and just loving people. It's such a fun thing to get to do. It's like that's who I am, and thus I will persevere with the podcast. And here's the one for this week, and I don't even know how long it is, but I don't care because that was stressing me out. It wasn't long enough, or it was too long, or whatever. It's like, oh so this is me rambling on about what I'm feeling right now and what I've gone through today and recently, and and in the past, I kind of ramble around all over topics, and maybe I'll have more of a topic next week. But this is this is me and the raw. So so thanks for listening. And I will I hope you're encouraged to just be not discouraged about yourself. And I will talk to you again the next time I make a podcast, which is supposed to be sooner than later. So I will probably tell you about something that has totally changed my life. Talk a little bit about the word and how it's my filter for life, but but there's something else. And I'm I think that's going to be the next one. So I will talk to you next time. Thank you for listening and have a great day. Thanks. Bye.