When trauma becomes your Identity

What if the person you think you are… is actually the person you had to become to survive?

In Episode 3 of The Path Home, I explore how trauma doesn’t only leave memories, triggers or emotional wounds  it can quietly shape our identity.

The strong one.
 The independent one.
 The people pleaser.
 The achiever.
 The caretaker.
 The one who never needs anyone.

Over time, survival strategies can become so familiar that we begin to call them our personality.

But beneath those adaptations, there is still you.

In this episode, we explore the difference between who you are and who you learned to become, and what begins to happen when you no longer need an old identity to keep you safe.

Perhaps healing isn’t about becoming someone new.

Perhaps it’s about discovering who was there all along.

Welcome home. 💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, this is Sonia Bellucci. Welcome home. The path home is your moment where you learn about trauma, you learn about yourself, you learn about your reality. This podcast, this conversation wants to help you to become aware of what is invisible to your perspective. They may be visible through the lenses of your subconscious. Take a deep breath in with me. Breathe very deeply in and breathe it out. You can utilize your breathing to regulate yourself in any situation, in any place, even when you are driving. And why the breathing is important? Because the regulation is what helps you to come back to reality, is what helps you to find clarity after the trigger has been initiated. Feel your body relaxing. Tonight, today, we talk about something very important and very special to me because this is this is part of my journey. And I research so much about what I'm going to discuss with you tonight. And when you understand, then the reality can really shift and change. Trauma can create different identities. But still when trauma has been experienced repetitively, then our subconscious, our mind, find a way to cope with the reality. And that is where different identities may exist at the same time, because it's a very intelligent adaptation that our nervous system, our brain adopt to navigate life, to navigate when we are consistently and perpetually in a state of survival. Different identities, as I say, they may exist at the same time with different attitudes. They may be the good part of you. That is always easy, is always never gets angry, that is always having this beautiful uh facade that everything is okay. I'm okay. That could be an identity, not necessarily a part of you that is real. It's a part of you that has been adopted to survive, to pretend that everything is fine. I remember decades ago, I lived with uh a mask because I I didn't know how to find the courage to confront people, to say what I was thinking. So I had to adopt this identity of being always cool, being always okay. There may be another identity that through trauma, and of course, I really want to be clear about this. Every trauma is different. So for every one of you, will be important to understand which one is yours, not all the identities that I'm going to list in a moment are going to be yours. There may be few of them, or just relate this to your own experience. And also different trauma, different abuse create different identities. If someone, this could be my case, if someone has grown up in a has been raised in an environment that was very demanding and very strict, will create the identity of perfectionism over achievement. Nothing is ever good enough because there is this deep need to prove and show that you are good. There may be an identity that is we call it the invisible one. This identity makes you feel that you are always invisible, you are very unimportant, you consistently live in a state of monitoring or of feeling that nobody cares about you, feeling always in the corner. No one chooses me, no one cares about me, no one picks me. That very much comes from the identity of feeling invisible. Again, different reason for it. Probably the most common, you were neglected. Your needs were never met. Mom was always busy, dad was always busy or never never at home because was traveling for work. Anytime you try to anytime you try to articulate how you're you were feeling nobody was listening. So your throat shut down, your ability to feel noticed, shut down. If this is you, take a deep breath in. Just stay with me. This is safe. This is a very safe moment for you to understand a little bit better how your subconscious is creating your reality. Because when you become aware of what triggers a pattern, a repetitive experience, then you are capable of shifting that. Yeah. So anything anything I'm going to say that triggers a part of you or triggers some emotion or triggers some memory, come back to the breathing, come back to the tone of my voice, stay present, take notes. Maybe stop the video, take a notebook, and start to write notes of what is coming to your awareness about yourself. There is another identity that is quite a big one at the moment amongst a lot of people because at the moment relationships are on the line due to the over control that has been the paradigma of many relationships until now. If you have any question about this, maybe write me a comment, send me an email, and I'm happy to unpack this further. But in the past few years, we have been really shifting. This may be a topic for the next podcast, actually. For decades we have been experiencing relationships from a very codependent, controlling paradigma dynamic, where in the past few years this dynamic is shifting into a more interdependent, independent state. But when the identity of being over-independently independent comes from a wounded self, it becomes a block to relate to others. I need to do everything by myself. I cannot ask help to anybody. I need to prove that I'm capable. This identity is created after a long time of feeling disempowered by your environment, feeling that you are never able to do anything. So you become overly independent. Every identity I'm listing tonight is entering in the spectrum of the shadow. Because they are created by a trauma, by an abusive environment, by a toxic environment. Yeah. So if those identities were created by healthy self-esteem, wanting to achieve, wanting to have very driven to have a vision and passionate about life, it would have been different. But because in this podcast, in this series, we are talking about trauma, I'm listing those aspects, those identity of you that intervene in your life, creating problem, creating disconnection, creating separation, creating failure. So even being overly independent, where you feel you don't need anybody, is still an aspect that needs to be shifted because you want to be able, yes, you want to be independent, but you want to be able to be soft and say or vulnerable and say, hey, today I need help. But when the trigger, when the trauma is lingering in your field, there is a fear to ask for help. So you will understand in a moment what I'm going to say. But in Italy, for example, is always tricky asking things, asking for help, because there is always a knife that comes back and says, I did that for you. So now you have to do something for me. And that is the dysfunctional reality that comes from trauma. A healthy person will say, I'm happy to receive without the need to give back. And that already shuts down the possibility for other people to ask something back because people respond to our energy, no, to the reality. So if we are healthy in our ability to receive, people are going to offer without expecting anything back. But if we are coming from the wound itself, if we come in from the trauma and we fear to ask because we fear that we need to give something back, for sure you find someone that as soon as you ask something is going to turn the knife around and say, now it's my turn, giving back. Am I making sense? I always like to use humor to help people to understand because actually putting some humor even in those topics that are so embedded in the nervous system, so embedded in our subconscious and create a false reality can actually help your nervous system right now to uh regulate. This is about helping you to feel safe through every episode, through every part of the podcast. It's not just about explaining what is happening when you are in trauma response, it's also creating the energy for your body to start to feel safer and safer. So I really hope that mean while I'm talking to you, you actually feel the body relaxing a little bit. That is what happened in my studio when I run my sessions with my clients. And I hope this is helping you as well. You may have different sensations in the body. You may feel a tingling sensation, you may feel your body softening, you may feel a little bit light-headed. That is because the nervous system, the brain, is changing on a cellular level. And if you need to take a deep breath, if you start to yawn me where you're listening, well, I don't see you, but is because actually you are releasing trapped emotions, so do it. Another identity, another aspect that can come through from wounded self, shadows, and uh trauma is the um the controller, the one that needs to be in control all the time. Everything needs to be organized, everything needs to be this part of you, this identity needs to anticipate everything. Anticipate or being in control where all your loved ones are, where what is going to happen next. So the controller when is in the spectrum of the shadow is a part of you that is going to create a lot of doubts, a lot of insecurity. Because insecurity comes from fear of not being able to know what happened next. Anxiety. So the controller may be coming in when wants to control when wants to be sure that everything is known. And I do believe that all the identities that I've been mentioning have really strong effects on your reality, but the controller is really preventing you to be who you are in truth. It takes over is the driver of your own reality, and is actually preventing you to experience new experiences. Because the controller in you need to know. It's a forceful energy. How do you recognize this identity? It's forceful. You feel tension in your body, feeling incredibly unsafe. You may even feel your head heavy. So I want you to notice all this energy in the next few days after listening this conversation, because through the explanation of every identity, and there may be other identity as well. I said it before, it depends on what trauma you experienced, how old you were, what was the environment. So this is a general understanding by each one of these identities is what I've been noticing, searching, researching for 15 plus years of professional consultation with people, with clients that have experienced trauma that are distorting their reality. And my own experience as well, for sure. Another identity which is the most common one. I think you know what I'm going to bring up in the moment in a moment. People pleaser. This identity should have actually an episode by itself because people pleaser. I believe that 98.5% of people actually have this identity very active. And there is a distinction that you really need to look through if you are a people please, because there is a distinction, and again, we're talking about the people pleaser that comes out as a shadow identity, and is the identity is the part of you that goes far and beyond of your ability, your capability just to help another. But why so? Yes, some people may be really good in their heart and loving helping others, but the distorted people pleaser, the shadow people pleaser want something returned very specifically. Want to be loved, want to be accepted, want to be recognized. Yeah. So you become in a people pleaser because there is such a hole inside of you, there is a gap. From the research I've been running and from the work I've been running for many years, I truly believe that people pleaser, under the form of a shadow, they hold a lot of shame. Lots of shame, shame and guilt. They feel they are really bad, bad people. So they tend to overgive, they tend to overplease, they never have the courage to say, no, this doesn't sound right. There is such a fear based for people pleaser, and they live building up so much resentment, so much resentment. The resentment is the counterpart to being a people pleaser, and that is the difference. If you are a people pleaser because you have an amazing heart and you just love helping others, you know is the case because you're not having resentment about it. But when you are helping others and then you start to build the resentment, the resentment and the feeling, what about me? That is the shadow, that is the wounded identity that comes out and says, I've done so much for you. Now you have to give me back. Now you have to love me. Make sense. The rebel that has been dismissed, has been dominated for so long, and now comes up and say. You can say other words. Is the rebel that says that it finds a problem in everything, never agrees to everything. Because I believe that the rebel needs to find their own truth. Doesn't want to be dominated anymore, doesn't want to be told what to do, want to find their own truth. And they usually carry such a huge weight on their shoulders because they have this anger that they don't know how to handle in a constructive way. And then there is the strong one. The strong one may be very, very similar to the one that is independent and needs to do everything by themselves. The strong one that has to prove I'm okay. I'm okay no matter what. Which nobody is, but we create this identity that is difficult to maintain because isolate us. Truly, truly isolate us. Then there is another identity, which I don't know if is truly just an identity or is a true essence that is that is not handled with the understanding is the caretaker, is the healer. Many people are natural healers and don't know they are. So they tend to absorb other people's problems, they tend to want to solve everything because they feel the pain of others. So again, the caretaker, the healer in the shadow is someone that takes on board more than they should. A natural healer works with clients, and the moment the client walks away from the studio, close the door, no longer my responsibility. Where the caretaker, the distorted healer, continues to worry about people, wanting to help people. And remember that every identity can contradict each other, can intervene with the other identities. And you say, well, amongst all of these, where am I? So true. So there is a lot of gun on in our energy field, that's for sure. But the more you understand your story, your trauma, your journey, how you want to be heard, seen, and received, which identity comes out in order to help you to be seen. The more you understand how those identities are activated as well. So my homework for you, I really would like you to start to notice what triggers you and what identity shows up. It may be one, you may be more than two. And notice, note it down. Because that is where we go back to the previous episode where I was talking about self-stalking. Self-stalking yourself means that you are becoming aware when there is your true self-experience in life, how you know when is an identity versus the true self? The true self is in is a peace. The true self doesn't need to prove anything. Your true self knows how to set boundaries, knows how to say no. So anytime you are finding yourself reacting to life, who one of your team has come through. Done. When you are feeling at peace, when you're feeling easy to yes, say no to someone or say yes to someone or experiencing life in a state of tranquility. That is your true essence, that is your true identity. I don't want to call identity because there will be a confusion with what I just say now. Let's say that is your true self. The path home is not about rejecting parts of you. It's not about, oh my god, I need to be aware of what identity is coming in. Not at all. The path home is about acknowledging that there may be wounded identities coming through because they want to be heard, they want to help you, they want to protect you. The path home is when you accept all that you are in a state of tranquility and peace. When you are capable of walking life without feeling continuously in danger, you find your way home. And for tonight, I want you to close your eyes a moment if you're not driving. I want to help you to bring everything together. So if you if you can, close your eyes for a moment. Start to take a few deep breaths in and out. And feel that your energy field, feel that your energy comes back to you. Everybody has the awareness of energy. So even those that are not aware of energy field or more from a spiritual side, you do understand energy. Just feel that your energy comes back to you. With each breathing, you feel safer and safer, safer and safer. Now I want you to take a deep breath in your heart, in your heart space. And imagine that there is a beautiful bubble of pearlescent white light. This is your home. Breathe into the pearlescent white light and feel the white light becoming as big as a bubble around you. And now just for a moment, I want you to notice that around you there are parts of you. Maybe parts that we just told throughout the episode tonight. There may be inner children, there may be previous generations. There may be parts of you that are just angry or resentful. Just acknowledge them. There is nothing else you need to do. Just acknowledge, have a feeling of what is happening around you. You may have a visual image of it. You may just have a knowing that there is someone in the field with you. Now, just for tonight, I want you to imagine that a beautiful golden path opens up in front of you, in front of the bubble. And just imagine that you are breeding everybody out of your field, visualizing every part of you, every identity, every part of you, walking in the golden path. They are going to go in a safe space where they can receive the healing that is necessary for you to receive. At the same time, you are regaining the ownership of your own body, of your own subconscious. You are becoming the version of you with a strong sense of self that is no longer triggered by life in the wound, but is becoming the strong sense of self, the healthy version of you, that acknowledgement there is an entity coming, um, identity coming in. They want to take over and you acknowledge this identity, and you say, Thank you so much for showing up. But for today, I'm okay. You can stay with me, but you don't need to take over. Or instilling, whispering to my ears words that may confuse me. Read all these parts of you, breed every part of you, every identity, previous generations, parents as well, inner children as well, into the golden path, let everybody go. Let everybody go and feel a shift in your own beenness. Just for a moment, just for a few hours, just for the next few days. It may be really good experiencing life, feeling safe. Feel a tingling sensation everywhere in your body. Your nervous system, your never nervous system is now creating a new awareness that there may be a different way to experience life. Take a deep breath in, come back, open your eyes, have the most amazing uh evening, morning, wherever it is for you. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being with me. If you like and you know someone will benefit from hearing it, please share. And I look forward to see you next week for another episode, The Path Home. And more importantly, again, welcome back home. From my heart to yours, look after yourself. You are safe.