S1E4: Home is Where the Heart Is!

Ms. Tiff describes her visit to Minneapolis and explains how visiting "home" is always bittersweet.

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Welcome to Caregiving and Conversations, Miss Tiff Unfiltered. All right, come on in. Let's have a conversation today. You see, I titled this Home Is Where the Heart Is. So this one is gonna be, this episode's gonna be a little emotional for me. So hopefully I can get through it. Actually, I'll get through it. I'll get through it. But this is the unfiltered part, right? So um before we get started, two-word check-in. So my two words today are frustrated and blessed. I am frustrated with technology. Technology and I are not friends. Um, as you can see in this um disclaimer here, um, part of the picture was cut off at the top and the bottom. Um, but the context was there. So that's what I want y'all to see. I'll get it fixed. But right now you can see that the um disclaimer was cut off. Um, I'm blessed. That's all. Blessed. I'm blessed today. I'm blessed with living, I'm blessed with my life. Life is good, so I am blessed. All right, so let's see here. A couple of weeks ago, I went home. Home to Minneapolis. Um, for those of you who don't know, I am originally from Minneapolis, Northside to be exact. Um, and so I went home a couple of weeks ago, and going home has become a bittersweet moment for me. It is sweet because that is where I was raised, that is where my foundation was set, that is where I learned my core values, that is where my family is, that is where my friends are. So it is a sweet moment for me to go home. Um, plus it's beautiful in the summertime. Minneapolis is very beautiful during the summer, and I love going there. Um, the bitter part. Minneapolis is not the same from when I left almost 19 years ago, and I'm not the same from when I left 19 years ago. Nor are my family, and nor are the friends are the same. Everybody has grown, everybody is doing things differently, um, moving, moving slow, some of us are, um, but it's just not the same. And so when I go home, it's great to go home, it's great to see those memories, um, places I used to live, places I used to hang out, even though the riverview's not there anymore. But um, but you get my gist of what I'm saying. Things are not the same. Um, my mom is not the same. Every time I go home, there is a decline with my mom. There's a decline in her walking, and there is a decline with her memory. Um, when she was diagnosed over 25 years ago with multiple sclerosis, I was prepared or as prepared as I could be for her to decline in her walking. What I was not prepared for was the decline in her memory. My mom was a smart woman. Smart woman. My mom had a vocabulary out of this world. She look, she had us read in encyclopedias. Um, if I had a paper for school, I would give my mom my paper and ask her to review it, and she would get her red pen out and she would jack my paper up. I hated every single minute of it, but it made me a better writer. I'll never be as good of a writer as my mom, um, but I can hold my own. Um, so to go home and see that my mom can't write, to go home and see that my mom can't pull words out is hard. It is very hard. Am I lucky that my mom or am I blessed that my mom is still here? Yes, yes, I am, but it's hard to watch the person that um taught you. It's hard for the person who used to care for you. It's hard to see that person decline. It's hard, and every time I go home, it's hard. It's hard to balance who am I gonna be able to see this trip. And so a month prior to me going home, I started stressing about going home, stressing about how much time was I gonna be able to spend with my mom, stressing about how much time was I gonna be able to see family, stressing about how much time would I spend with um friends. And a week before I pulled the trigger and I said, This trip is about my mom. I am going to spend time with my mom. Um, I did walk the lakes by myself twice. Um, I did go get my hair cut, it's just straight today. Um, but I did go get my hair cut. Um, another than that, I was with my mom. It was very important on this trip for me to spend as much time with my mom as possible, and it was also just as important for me to have some mental health time while I was home to be able to process seeing my mom in her state that she's in. Um, so it's hard. One of the things my mom liked to do prior to multiple sclerosis was walk the parkway. So anybody from Minneapolis knows that walking the parkway with what I mean, or walking the lakes. So my mom would start on um 26, and she would go down Victory Memorial up to Theater Worth, um, however long she wanted to walk, she would walk it. Um, I was more of a lake Calhoun, excuse me, that's not late Calhoun, but y'all know what I'm talking about. Um, but I would walk the lake, and so going home, we can't do those things. We can't walk the parkway, we can't walk the lake. So one of the things I intentionally do is I drive the parkway with her. We start um down on 42nd in Victory Memorial Drive, and we drive all the way through Lake Nakomis and back. And while we're driving, I always ask her, What do you want to listen to? My mom was an avid jazz listener, and she can't even remember just to say, I want to listen to jazz. Um, she just says something smooth. I knew she meant she wanted to listen to jazz, so I turned on a jazz station. Um, and she just bopped her head, looking out the window, and for me, those moments are priceless because I don't know how much longer she'll be able to get into the car and she'll be able to do that. And so when I can spend that time with her and give her those small moments of her past, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give her those small moments. It's not much, but it's everything to her, and that's what I can do for her. Talking to her right now, there's a lot of repetitive, repetitive repeating of the same thing. And I have the patience for it, I have the compassion for it, and I think the reason that I have it is because I'm not doing the day-to-day. I'm coming in, I'm spending time with her, and I'm giving her those small moments. And so if that means repeating myself over and over and over, then that's what I'm doing. I'm repeating myself over. If my mom was living with me and I was doing the day-to-day, I could guarantee you, I would not have the same level of patience and I would not have the same level of compassion because I would be doing it day to day, over and over, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days out of the year. I do know that. I know that about me, and I could probably bet for a lot of caregivers who are dealing with someone with dementia, there is a frustration that comes along with um repeating yourself over and over. No fault to the person, none whatsoever. It's just the repetitiveness. Think of a child who keeps asking you why, why, why, when they're just being inquisitive on why something is happening. Um, so it's the same thing but in reverse. And it's harder, I think, because you know that person used to know, and now they no longer know. So that's the hard part, that's the bitter part. Um, but it's also the priceless moments of being able to go home and give my mom those little glimpses of her past. It's those moments of reminding her of jazz music, it's those moments of letting her get outside and seeing nature. Um, we did get outside, we took some pictures over Theater Worth. You guys know, right over 26, um, you can look down at the hill. We used to take the toboggan and slide down, but we took pictures there. She couldn't do a lot of walking, so I just had her stand at the car and we just took some pictures. Those moments for me will be priceless moments. You see, I labeled this home is where the heart is. So, although Minneapolis, as far as the city, is no longer that feeling of home as long as my mom is there, because that is my heart, home is where the heart is. Minneapolis will always be my home as long as my mom is there. Alright, I made it. I made it through this episode. Um, one of the reasons I wanted to come on and do this episode um is because the next episode is a special treat. Um, if you get the gist of this podcast so far, you'll see I'll come on, I'll do an interview, a little short, and then the next week will be me interviewing someone. Um so the next week will be an interview from someone very special. I'm not gonna tell you who it is, um, but you'll just have to tune in. Tune in next week. Um, episodes drop on Tuesday. Um, don't forget to subscribe, like, and share. And leave comments. Leave comments in the YouTube chat. Let me know how you're liking this so far. Let me know if you have a topic you want me to discuss. Let me know if you want to be a guest on the podcast because you have a caregiving story, or if you know someone that's a caregiver. Um, all ideas right now are welcome. So let's get that chat going on YouTube. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share. And also remember, give yourself grace, give yourself rest, and give yourself love because you deserve it.