Caregiving & Conversations
Caregiving is one of life's greatest acts of love, but it's also one of its greatest challenges. This is a space where caregivers, families, and professionals come together for honest conversations, practical resources, and heartfelt stories that remind you that you're not alone.
Caregiving & Conversations
S1E7: There's No Quit!
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In this episode of Caregiving & Conversations, I sit down with Marc whose life changed in an instant! He shares the realities of caregiving for a child and embracing a new normal. Through compassion, patience, and the journey of co-parenting after a divorce, Marc offers an honest look at finding strength in the hardest seasons. His story is a powerful reminder that even when life changes, unconditional love leads the way.
The views, stories, and opinions shared on caregiving and conversations are my own. The experiences I discuss are personal and honest reflections of my caregiving journey and genuine feelings. They are shared with transparency and authenticity and should never be interpreted as a lack of love, respect, or care for my loved ones. The views, stories, and opinions expressed by guests on this podcast are entirely their own and do not necessarily reflect those of caregiving and conversations or its hosts. The experiences and information shared are intended for educational and informational purposes only. They are not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your physician or another qualified health care provider regarding any medical condition or health-related concerns. Thank you for listening and welcome to Caregiving and Conversations.
SPEAKER_01Welcome to Caregiving and Conversations with Ms. TIFF Unfiltered. Come on in, let's have a seat. But before we get started, let's like, subscribe, and share. Let's build this community of caregivers and supporters of caregivers. If you listen to last week's episode, I kind of hinted about what this week's episode would be about. A lot of times we talk about caregiving when it is about a caregiver, a parent, um, someone elderly, but we have a very touching story today and a very special guest with Mark, who is going to talk about his um role as a parent and a caregiver. Welcome, Mark.
SPEAKER_03Hey, good afternoon, everyone.
SPEAKER_01All right. So, Mark, we got you on um caregiving and conversations. Um, as I talked about earlier, I talked about the caregiving normally is for the parent. Your or caregiving for an elderly parent. Your situation is slightly different. Do you want to go ahead and give us a quick story of how you became a caregiver?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely. And so before I get started, um I I want to say that I am um I'm very happy to be here and I feel very positive and I feel very blessed because I'm gonna take you on a little bit of a journey. And um at the end of it, um, you'll understand why I say that I'm I feel blessed. Um so back in hold one second, hold one second.
SPEAKER_01How did I forget? I forgot our two-word check-in. We have to do a two-word check-in. So, Mark, tell me your two words today. I think I know one of them.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so so I I feel very positive and I feel blessed. Those are my two words.
SPEAKER_01Uh my two words today. I'm actually feeling accomplished today and I'm feeling grateful. So Okay. All right. Now that we got that on out of the way, let's go ahead and tell me about your story.
SPEAKER_03Sure. So back on June 19th, 2010, um, my kids were involved in a car accident. It was a rollover car accident. I happened to be driving in a car in front of them. My daughter was driving the car. My son um was 15. He was in the passenger seat. Um it was an unfortunate accident. Um my daughter was taking the exit, and she she clipped um the front end of a car, and um the truck that they were riding in, the truck that they my daughter was driving, it rolled over. And this truck, just as a as a side note, this was a a gift. Um, I gifted her my truck. And so she was on our way, she had just graduated, and she was going to be heading down to college, and so I thought, okay, it makes sense for her to have a truck. It was a um uh SUV, a large SUV. Um, I caught a lot of flack from family members for giving her uh an SUV. Some thought that it was it was too much vehicle, some thought that it was too expensive. Um, but nevertheless, that was the gift that I gave to my daughter. Um at the time of the accident, um, I was recently divorced and I had custody of my kids. So we're driving. This accident happens in Kentucky, it's a rollover accident. My daughter actually, the vehicle came to a rest right side up. And so my daughter climbed out of the sunroof that it was blown out. She climbed out of the sunroof. I got her out, and no issues, not a hair out of place. I mean, she was obviously emotionally traumatized, but she was okay. So I I took my daughter and I put her in my car. I you know, pulled over and uh put her in my car. I called, I called my mom on the phone and just said, hey, this is what's happened. Stay on the phone with my daughter, talk to her. I gotta go tend to my son because he was trapped in the vehicle. Um, the door wouldn't open because when the vehicle rolled over, it crushed the roof. Um going forward, um, I didn't know that at the at that moment that he was already um paralyzed. He was stuck in the vehicle. I was able to get into the driver's side, and I sat with my son, and you know, we talked about getting out of the vehicle. And I said, Well, the door won't open. And and he had a couple of scrapes, and and I said, uh, you know, we'll wait until the first responders get here, and you know, they'll get you out, but you know, I don't want to, you know, just start yanking you out of the vehicle. But at that time, I I did not know the severity of the of the accident because there wasn't a lot of there wasn't a lot of blood. There wasn't, I mean, he was talking, we were talking to each other. Um, a very casual conversation. So the vehicle wasn't on fire, the vehicle wasn't smoking, it it had just come to a rest, and he was stuck in the vehicle because his door, the passenger side door, wouldn't open. Um, long story short, first responders came, they actually cut him out of the vehicle, and they had to cut the um the front of the top off, if you if you can imagine. So they call it the A-Pillar, and they cut the A pillar, the B pillar, and they literally rolled the roof of the vehicle, rolled it back, got him out of the vehicle, put him in an ambulance, and the ambulance never left. And so we're standing there, and and I'm thinking, okay, you know, we why aren't they leaving? And so then I thought, oh, okay, he's gonna be okay. He's gonna walk out of this ambulance, and you know, like they checked him out and realized he's okay. And um, so you know, five minutes turns into 10 minutes, 10 minutes turn into 20 minutes, and you know, he's not coming out. The expressway is shut down in both directions, and over the horizon is a helicopter that's coming in and it lands on the expressway. And and it was at that moment that I knew that there was something that was serious because even though he didn't have a lot of scrapes and there was no blood, there was no broken bones, no obvious broken bones. The fact that they they had a helicopter coming in said, okay, this this is serious. The helicopter lands on the expressway, they take him out of the ambulance, they transfer him to the to the to the helicopter, and then they tell us where they're gonna take them, they're gonna take them back to University of Cincinnati Hospital. Helicopter takes off and away it goes. And so my ex-wife, who we were actually on our way to meet, she had arrived at the scene of the accident. She and my daughter, they got in the car and I said, just go to the hospital. I'll stay at the scene of the accident until, you know, just the police was there, they got to take reports and everything. And so I said, You guys go to the hospital, I'll meet you there. And so that's how it happened. So um, Evan arrives at the at the hospital. They were supposed to take him to children's, but they took him to UC, uh, which is, you know, he he was 15 at the time, so he should have gone to the pediatric children's hospital, but they took him to the Bain hospital, and that was primarily because of his size. At the time, he was he's probably about six feet tall. So he looked like he was older than 15, but he's he's a kid. And so, and this becomes a very interesting part of the story that I'll get to. But we get to the hospital, and um my my ex-wife and my daughter was there first, and then I arrive, and the doctor comes out, and the doctor had zero bedside manner. Doctor says to me, Hey, your son is uh paralyzed, somebody somebody else will be coming in to talk to you. Um, and that's how we found out that he was paralyzed. And so we had to go into the the room that he was in, um, and we told him that he was paralyzed. And um, and it was very somber, and you know, we were we were we we were all trying to comprehend what what was happening because everything happened in in you know in the blink of an eye, right? And so that started our our journey. And so he this was on a Saturday, um, June 19th. The next day, June 20th, was Father's Day, and so he actually had surgery, he broke his neck, C3, C4. That's where the break is. My son is an incomplete quad. Uh he was 15 at the time. And what's interesting is because he was so young, and the reason why they call it an incomplete quadriplegic is because he's still 16 years later, he's still regaining some functionality. Um he will never walk again, but he is gaining some functionality in his arms and in his hands. And so my son can he can pick up a he can pick up a steak fry, but he can't pick up a shoestring french fry, right? So he doesn't have the dexterity in his hands to do certain things. He can he can uh he can hold a hot dog or hoagie, he can eat that better than he can handle uh a hamburger just because of the orientation of your hands. Going through this process was incredible. He was in the hospital for three and a half months. Um he had surgery to repair the break, his broken neck on Father's Day. He comes out of surgery, and one of the first things he said to me when he came out was, sorry, I screwed up your Father's Day. Um so he he does have a sense of humor. Um, I didn't think that was funny. Um, there were some tears that were sh there was um um uh shared in that moment. Um, yeah, we were drinking from a fire hydrant, like so much happened in that first 24 hours, and we were just trying to comprehend like what does this mean? And so we adopted a new term and we call it our new normal because we didn't know we knew that life would change as we knew it, but we didn't know what it would mean. And because our son was 15 at the time, we're trying to figure out okay, what does what does life look like for him going forward? And so he had just completed his freshman year in college. My daughter had just graduated, I'm sorry, he had just finished his his freshman year in high school. My daughter had just graduated from high school on her way to college. There were so many moving pieces at the time. Um it was a lot that was coming at us, you know, very, very fast. And um, you know, the time while he was in the hospital, those three and a half months, is where he needed to be. And he had all of the care that he needed, 24 hours a day around the clock. There were nurses, there was checking on him, you know, two in the afternoon and two in the and two in the morning, right? And reality hit us when he came home from the hospital. And you know, coming home was um was a new reality because I had to retrofit my house to accommodate my son coming home. And so I have at the time I was living in a a traditional colonial style house, four bedrooms upstairs, his bedroom was upstairs. Well, you know, that he's not gonna be able to walk up those stairs and go to his bedroom. So I converted my formal dining room into a bedroom, and that's that was his bedroom for the next three years until he went off to college. In that period of time, um it was a it was an adjustment. So my my daughter, she goes off to college. She didn't want to go, she wanted to stay, stay back and help with her brother, her little brother, who she loves dearly. And and my son loves his his sister dearly. Um, but we said, no, everything that we had talked about before the accident, we're gonna maintain uh as best we can. We're gonna maintain those plans. So, no, you're gonna go to college. We need you to go to college, and college was a healthy distraction for her, um, given everything that was going on. Um so that meant, okay, well, his mom and I are gonna have to take the lead. Well, I started off by saying I was recently divorced and I had custody of my kids, and so my ex-wife lived in another state. Um so you know, we're we're we're trying to figure this out real time.
SPEAKER_01Caregiving and co-parenting.
SPEAKER_02Two people who had just divorced one another, right?
SPEAKER_03So we're we're we're trying to figure out just how we're gonna make this work. Um it really is, you know, they take they say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it took a village to get us through this process. And so um caregiving, you know, when it's your child, you know, no one expects to see their child go through something like this. Um and so there were hard days that were physically challenging, and then there were hard days that were emotionally challenging. And, you know, we're trying to keep his spirits up, and to his credit, you know, he he's uh an incredible young man, and he was always positive. Um we all went through counseling, we all needed counseling. Um we we had to we had to get to a place where we could be functioning, um, high functioning to get him through this process, if that if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Um and so the challenge of being a caregiver, um you know, he's a he's a teenage boy, so you know, we are, you know, there was a lot of loss of privacy um in caring for him. Um, there were things, you know, he's like, I don't, you know, I don't want my mom to see me or you know, or you know, uh touch me like that or have to do some of the things that were required. Um I don't want my dad to do it either, but you know, if if if given a choice, I'll take him over her, you know. Um and so just coming together was was was really, really tough. Dealing with nurses um in the early days, one of the biggest challenges was after he came home, you know, uh because I I couldn't be a caregiver 24 hours, I still was working and and and I was divorced. Um his mom was going back and forth, and then ultimately she moved to uh Ohio where we were living, and that began the process of us really sharing the workload or the the the burden, it shouldn't call it a burden, sharing the workload of being a caregiver. But it was really, really tough. But the nurses in the beginning, um, you know, my son and I, you know, we had a pat and I said, hey, you have to like them. I have to trust them. You have to like them because your nurse is a very personal relationship. They mean they're they're they're bathing you, they're cleaning you, they're dressing you, they're they're in your personal space around the clock. And so you have to be comfortable with a person that's in your personal space. For me, I had to trust that the person, I had to trust and be comfortable with them being in my house because there were times when they were there and I wasn't home. And I, you know, I didn't want things to happen in my home that I wouldn't approve of, or I didn't want things to go missing, or any of the things that you know you you could imagine would happen, because you know, my son, you know, he he he's in a bed or he's in his chair, and you know, the nurse had free reign over the house. And so we went through a number of nurses um until we found some good nurses. And when we found really, really good nurses, we kept them. We held on to them, we tried to hold on to them um for dear life. We treated them as if they were family. We we we we brought them into the fold. Um, we would have dinner with them. I would cook dinner and and they would have dinner um with us um because it's important to treat them well, because if given a choice, they could go work for someone else, and you don't want to lose good help. And um, you know, we were blessed um that we found we now we went through a lot of nurses, and there are a lot of horror stories that I could share with you of some some bad nurses that were fired on the spot and like, okay, this isn't gonna work out, you know, because my son is saying that I don't feel comfortable with her, or you know, I'm saying I don't trust this person. And so because that was our pack, we said, okay, you know, this isn't gonna work, we'll we'll find another one. And we and you keep going. But when you find someone, you know, we would pay bonuses, you know, we would give Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. We we really wanted to make them feel comfortable, and um, so much so that they they that they are part of the family. Um, and and I I will say that my son, fast forward um last year, 15 years after the accident, my son uh got married. And at his wedding were two of the nurses that had been with us over the years, and so that's a testament to The closeness. I mean, you know, we've we look at them as if they are a family. Um, you know, they would travel with uh with Evan. Um one of the nurses, um uh Evan went to Vale, Colorado, um, as part of an excursion with Johns Hopkins Hospital. Uh they have a um spinal cord institute that's attached to Johns Hopkins. And so he went as part of uh as an ambassador, he went out to Vail. And so I said, he said, hey dad, you want to go to Vail? I I didn't want to go to Vail, but you know, take your nurse to Vail with you. She had never been to Vail. Um I don't think she had ever been on a plane. And so what a wonderful opportunity for her um to experience Colorado, but also she's an extension of the family, she's an extension of him. And so, you know, that's you know, that's kind of the upside of the caregiving. You know, some of the challenges of caregiving, um, it's exhausting. And mentally and physically exhausting. And some of the best advice I ever received was from the doctors before my son was discharged, who said, Hey, take advantage of anyone and everyone that wants to help you and help your son, even if they can only give you an hour. Even if they can only give you an hour to go recharge your batteries, um, go for a walk, or in the case of his mom, go get your nails done, or go to the grocery store, um, you know, take advantage of that uh because as the as the doctors shared with us, they said, hey, if you guys deplete all of your energy, what happens to Evan once you're there, once you're no longer there, um, because you've exhausted yourself and you've tapped out, right? And so we had to find a way to continuously recharge our batteries, re-engage, uh, find a happy place, right, in the midst of everything that was going on. Um and but it's it's it's challenging. And then emotionally, you know, you're you're you're you're trying to look at the future and what the future holds. Um about two weeks after the accident, Evan was still in um ICU. And I told you that they took him to UC and they should have taken him to uh children's. The fight to get him moved, and the hospitals are across the street from each other, the fight to get him moved over to the children's hospital where he belonged was enormous. And of course, what happened? Part of the village knew a hospital administrator, made some calls on our behalf, and we were able to get him moved over there. But while he was in ICU, I had uh we had a doctor who who happened to be a paraplegic. The doctor was a paraplegic, and the doctor said to his mom and I, he said, he's he's gonna go to college. He said, I don't know what what normal is gonna look like, but he's he's gonna have he's gonna be able to experience some things. And I remember feeling so bitter and feeling as if he was toying with my emotions, um, that I said some things that that probably you know that that were inappropriate because I'm a realist. And in that moment, I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, he's going to college. Like he he can't even scratch his nose.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, and so you know, part of this, this, this emotional roller coaster was just, okay, what's what does tomorrow look like? And as the parent, in the natural order of things, I'm I'm supposed to pass away. His mom is supposed to pass away before he passes away. And if we pass away, then what does that mean for him in terms of having he has a sister who loves him dearly, but you know, I that's my kid, right? So I see that as my responsibility. His mom sees it as her responsibility, right? And so, you know, in the back of your mind, you're thinking, well, I can't die because I can't leave him without, you know, his super parents, you know, who feel like they can do everything. Um so emotionally, it was tough in the early days. As time went on, things got better. And so we started to see more light at the end of the tunnel. Um, so I'll pause right there. Uh, but but yeah, it was it was it was a lot.
SPEAKER_01That that's a lot of information. I want to go back um because you talked about your daughter um and your son in the car, and your son having um physical needs, and then your daughter was driving, and the emotional needs. So, as a parent and as a caregiver, how are you able to give to both of them? Because they both had different needs. Um, so how are you able to balance that with two different children and two different needs?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so great questions. So, if for anyone that has more than one child, um, they will tell you that you parent different differently. Um you are um inconsistently consistent in your parenting because the children are different. And so my son had physical needs, and I I believe that my daughter had more emotional needs, and so you respond to what they need, and so as I said, we we all went to therapy. She went to therapy, she started therapy on that Monday. So the accident was on Saturday, she started therapy on Monday. It was a uh the therapist was a friend of mine, and again, I keep going back to it takes a village. The therapist was a friend of mine. I called her on Saturday after the accident, or maybe Sunday, and said, Hey, this is what's happened. My daughter is gonna be here until she leaves to go to school in two months, but but I I I need to get her in front of you. Can you, can you, can you help me? And she said, I got you. I got you. And so my daughter was in therapy up until she left to go to college. And and so that allowed us, you know, to feel good that she, you know, she had a place where she could talk through her feelings, her emotions with a professional, as well as we were there emotionally. Um, because it's the summertime when this happened, both of my sisters are educators. So my sisters, you know, they they they have the summers off. So both my sisters parachuted in, and so they're there, and you know, they're educators, and so they they are nurturers. Um and so they were there, and so we were able, um my uh in-laws, my ex-wife's folks, siblings, people parachuted in, and so they were able to be supportive of all of us, but in particular uh my daughter, because the three and a half months that my son was in the hospital, um, I would say 95% of the time, someone was there with him, spending the night. And I was the primary person that spent the night with him over that three and a half months. So I would say I probably did maybe 75% of the time he was there, I spent the night with him. And part of that was because I work right around the corner. So I would just stay there and get up and go to work from the hospital and you know, bring clothes and and so um, so it was a tag team. And so you you you identify what you need to do with each child or what's needed, um, what's required. And so we put her in front of a uh a medical professional to help talk through um her feelings about the accident because she was the one that was driving. Um she didn't have any physical, there wasn't even a scar, there was no blood, there was not a hair out of place. And so, you know, for her to walk away from this thing and for him to be paralyzed, it was like, wow, how you're both in the same vehicle. Yeah, but they both were injured in a different way. And so the physical piece for Evan, for the first three and a half months, you know, we you know, we it he was in the hospital, so he had all of the care and the equipment, and it was only after he came home that we're like, oh who's supposed to do this? This this is a whole this is a whole job. Like this is a whole effort. And you know, just because I'm ready to go to bed, he may be ready to go to bed, but in the course of you know going to bed between nine o'clock and six o'clock the next morning, you know, he he may call for me three or four times in the middle of the night. And so for for for whatever reason, he needs to be turned, he's cold, he can you do this, you know, he's he's he's struggling, breathing, or whatever the issue is, you got to respond to it. Well, you know, I'm not accustomed at that point. I wasn't accustomed to getting up over the course of the night. So, you know, I'm waking up the next morning and I'm struggling at work because I'm physically tired. Um, and so that's where having nurses come in to compliment us in terms of providing that care was was it was vitally important. Um we we absolutely needed it.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Um, another thing that you said earlier, you talked about how you gifted your daughter the car. And as a parent, you're proud, you're giving her the car, everything's gonna be okay. She's going away to school, and now this accident happens. Um, you have because there's always that fine line of parenting and caregiving. So you when the accident happened, was there any guilt of this doggone truck that I gave her? And that when the accident happened, was there any guilt there as the parent?
SPEAKER_03No. Um I don't I don't surprise me actually. I don't, I don't, I don't, as a, as a as a general rule, I I try to make good decisions and um I try not to go down that that road of guilt because guilt is a it's an emotion that could can wear you down and break you down. And the other reason why I I feel no guilt is because there was a moment when my son was still in the hospital and the two the it was the three of us in the hospital. And um my daughter said to me, she said, you know, I know you caught a lot of flat for giving giving me this truck. And it was it was kind of an expensive truck. It was more than uh what a typical first car, what a kid would get for their first car, right? But it it it it it made sense to me because she was going to college. It was it was it was it was it was new, it was it was it was it had you know the utility functionality, you know, she can haul stuff and you know so um but she said to me, she said, I'm so thankful that we were in the truck and not in some little Honda, because we probably both would have died. Perspective. And that was their perspective. I I hadn't even thought of that. Um, so I tell everyone I could have lost both my kids in that accident.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, I didn't lose either one of them, and what I lost is the physical abilities of my son. What I didn't share with you guys is that my son uh he went on to go to college. Uh he got his undergraduate degree, he got his master's degree. There was no closed head injury, there's no cognitive issues. My son is still my son. I mean, there's some physical things that he can't do, but the personality, the smile, the critical thinking, the nurturing, he's a very caring person. Um he's he's sensitive, he's strong, but sensitive. Uh, all of that is still intact. And so I'm I started off, you said how what are the two words? And uh, and one of them was I feel blessed. I'm blessed because I still have my kids, and I still have um I have the majority of them, the essence of them. You know, my son, yeah, you know, he can't we can't play basketball together anymore, but we can sit down and watch a game. We can still tell jokes, you know, we can still engage with one another, we can still have very deep conversations. Um, so I still have my son. And my daughter, I still have her, and she's she's a a compassionate, charming, witty young lady and um woman, and and she is she's there, and so she loves her brother, and her brother loves her. And so, you know, that's how you get through it. But no, I didn't I didn't feel any guilt even before they shared with me, hey, thank God we weren't in a Honda Civic, you know, uh when the accident happened. I I had never thought about it that way, but you know, because the accidents happen, and this was truly an accident. And and so um there wasn't a point where we were looking to blame, which I think also is a challenge that people have when people when they have an illness or uh they're stricken with something, or you know, you want to blame someone, and and that's also can take you down a rabbit hole. And it it's exhausting and it it's it's counterproductive. So we didn't blame anyone. We never question, we never questioned God. Um, we had days where we were frustrated.
SPEAKER_01That's normal, whether you're a caregiver or not. That's normal.
SPEAKER_03We all had those days, but our our faith, our faith remained intact, remained intact, and we were thankful for you know um still having each other. And so, and we and we still talk about that. We we are thankful for each other, and so um, thankful that I was there at the scene of the accident because I was driving in front of them. Um thankful that their mom showed up, you know, 15 minutes, you know, after the accident. Um, thankful that even though we had been divorced, um, that we were able to come back together um to provide support. Um so thankful is is uh it means a lot in our family.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, absolutely. I remember when um when we talked when we talked about as the caregiver, um, the emotional toll, the mental toll, and even sometimes the physical toll. Um when my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and she, when I tell you she was angry, she was angry like all the time. She was angry for a couple of reasons, angry because of the diagnosis. But in her mind, I remember we were taking my brother to college, it was his first year of college, and my mom was a teenage mother, and she had me when she was 16. So she had been a parent pretty much all of her life, and she was 50 years old, and she says, I finally get to live my life, and she was gonna be child-free in the first year of my brother's year at college. She was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Now she didn't have a flare-up where she was completely disabled, but we knew that day was coming. So her being angry, her being frustrated was hard for me as the caregiver because when she did have her flare-up and she was disabled, um, not only had I have to deal with her physical, I had to deal with that emotional part too. You were blessed and grateful that you had the physical with your son, but he still was in a good positive uh place. That's hard. It's hard for you as a caregiver because you're managing your own emotions and now you have to manage somebody else's emotions. Can somebody write a book? I need someone to write a book on how to do that because even today, I mean, even now, my mom, she's in a better place. Um, I think she has just finally come to grips that this is her life, and she has three children who actually care for her and take care of her, and we give her the best quality of life that she can get. Um, but it it was hard in those, in those early, early years. I'm not even gonna say months, it was hard in that, um, in those early years. I will ask you a question because you you said that you had to retrofit your home. Um, your son was in the hospital for three and a half months. And when we think about the cost that comes along with caregiving and parenting, um how how how did you handle that? Because it's that's you as the parent. That's not you as the caregiver, but as the parent, you're thinking, I got a daughter going away to college, I have this this this medical bill, I have this house that I have to retrofit, I have caregivers that need to come in. Um, tell me about that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so that's there's a lot, there's a lot in what you just asked. Um, so I'll start off by saying I we were blessed that we had the wherewithal, we had the means to do a lot of things. My daughter chose to go to the same school, same college that her mother and father graduated from. So we had a lot of relationships.
SPEAKER_01Go ahead, shout it out, just shout it out.
SPEAKER_03We're all proud graduates of Florida and M University in Tallahassee, Florida. But when the accident happened, we reached out to the school immediately to say, hey, this is what's going on. We're gonna try to figure it out. We want her to be there. Um what the school did for us, they said, you know what? We know you're gonna have a financial burden. You don't even know what they're gonna be. What the school did for us, they said, okay, we're gonna make her an in-state student. So you'll pay in-state tuition versus out of state. Huge, huge burden that was lifted off our shoulders. So that's how we dealt with that. Now, I want to talk about this house because this house and and my family will see this, and and it it may bring back some you know some emotions. When the accident happened, my son's mother, um, she it was interesting because she she was able to zero in on the fine details of everything. So if they said they were gonna prescribe a medicine, she would ask them for the spelling. Like I couldn't even, I don't even know if I could spell my name at the time. Conversely, I was thinking big picture. Everything I was thinking was big picture. She was thinking the minutia of every little thing, all right? And so I knew I had to get the house done. And so four or five days after the accident, a friend put me in touch with another friend who was a contractor, and I started getting the house done. And I will tell you, and and and then my family and will see this. My mother, my father, my ex-wife, and her parents all looked at me like I was crazy and they said, Why are you doing this? And I said, Because I got to get, first of all, none of you know anything about construction. It takes time to do a retrofit, to build ramps and do everything. I need to have this house ready for when he comes home. And their response, some of some of them, they were like, Well, how do you know he's not gonna walk? How do you know he, you know, miracles happen? You're doing all of this, and it may not be necessary. And I said, Okay, well, if if if if that happens, then I'll I'll take the the loss. This is my money. This is what I'm gonna do, but I can't, I can't, I'm gonna hedge my bet. I'm gonna go ahead and get this house ready. And if he walks, fantastic. But if he doesn't, then I have a place ready for my son because the worst thing I felt was that he wouldn't be able to come home, or it was a challenge for him to come home. And so, yeah, so there was a lot of money that was um, there was a lot of money that was spent. No, and uh and and so we were we were fortunate. Um, you know, there was a lot of money that was spent out of pocket. Um, there was some money that uh we were blessed that there were some fundraisers that were done to to support Evan. Um but we were able to get through it. And and I recognize that not all um not everyone is blessed to be in that situation to to have the means to do it. And and so um, yeah, there was there there was um, you know, and and and and it's it's it's what we had to do. It you know, I don't I don't I just look at it as it was an investment. Yeah, it was an investment. It was it was it was it was just the cost of the situation, and we we just had to do what we had to do. And so, and but things get better, right? And then, you know, because my son was able to uh apply for um Medicare benefits and social security, that helped defray a lot of the costs that we were incurring, um, and they were able to provide certain um um pieces of equipment to help with him. Um but but the lion's share fell on fell on his mom and I. And you know, we we we were in a good situation where we were able to to meet his needs. Um his mom, um, when she moved back, she actually um when she built, she built the house about a less than a half a mile from my house. And she had the house built to ADA specifications, Americans with Disabilities Act. So, so the house was set up for our son. And so um it was it was nicely done, and and everything was done with him in mind. And every place that I've lived, for the most part, every place that I've lived, um, you know, I've had my house done such that my son had access to my home. And his mom has done the same. And so um we've been fortunate, we've been, we've been lucky, we've been blessed to be able to be in a position to do those things.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's a lot of there's a lot of um families out here who are not able to, and they say, you know, you said you turned your formal dining room into his bedroom. Um the average person would put a sheet up and just move the stuff out, and that becomes the bedroom on the main floor. So, yes, when you talk about um being blessed, yes. Um, I want to ask a question. So, parents, and I I always have to do this um because you're the parent and the caregiver. So parents normally put themselves last when they're parenting their children. You're now parenting and caregiving. What are some of the things that you did um to put yourself first or for your own respite care or for um I just need a break. What are what are some things that you did?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, great, great, great question. So I anyone who knows me knows that I I I enjoy life. I I embrace um all of the the fun things that most people want to do. Um, I've been blessed to be able to do it. So I continue to go to wine country. Um, I love wine. Go out to Napa when I had the opportunity to. Um, I've always traveled for work, so I was able to make that make that work um while I was while I was caring for my son. Um the things that I like to do, I like to play golf. So I was able to carve out some time to do some of the things. And then there were other things, you know, to be quite honest, you kind of put your life on hold. I I at the at the exact moment of the accident, I wasn't really dating anyone. Um, and so I wasn't really interested after the accident. You know, dating wasn't something that that was top of mind. Um but with that being said, I mean, it's you know, I'm a I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a person that um, you know, and and so things happen. And so I will say that again, I was blessed to have people in my life who stepped in, stepped into the into the gap. Um, some people who came back into my life, um who said, you know, we we we're not necessarily doing this for you, we're doing it for him.
SPEAKER_04Um so so that's hilarious.
SPEAKER_02I I wasn't I wasn't too proud to say, well, if you ain't doing it for me too, then you can't come back, you know. So I'm gonna take it.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna take it, I'm gonna take it. And and and again, you know, being thankful, you know, having a having, you know, I had I I believe great kids and you know, people like them. And so the people that I dated after I was divorced, they happen to like my kids. And so after the accident, they were like, hey, you know, we still like them and we recognize what's going on. We'll help you, you know, how how can we help you? Um, and so again, thankful and blessed to have relationships, quality relationships where people were still, you know, ready and willing to step in and support us where they could.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, when you talk about uh people coming back in and you talk about the support and all that, that's wonderful. I know for me, um when I was in Minnesota, everything was a phone call away. You know, I could call these people, call these people, um, because all my family was there, whether it was on my maternal side or whether it was on the paternal side, um phone call away. Um you said something real quick. I just want to touch base. You said people liked my kids, and I heard this saying, and I wish more people would live by this, and it's raise your kids so other people can like them. So I think you and your ex-wife did a wonderful job with raising um both of your children that other people would like them because baby, there are some kids out there where you're like, oh Lord Jesus, like no. Um so yeah, that's that's and I want to talk about the struggles uh me moving down here in Dallas and not having family and friends when I first came down here and I developed um friendships where those friends became family. And I remember there was a time I was going home back to Minneapolis and I wasn't bringing my mom and I cooked like all this food in the refrigerator, and my mom had the personal care assistant coming in, and I was like, Yes, this and every friend was coming over every day to put their eyes on my mom. And my mom is such a charmer that she's people are asking, How are you doing, Miss Lynette? How are you doing? No, I'm doing fine, I'm doing fine. So I come home or come back to Dallas five days later, all the food sitting in the refrigerator. I'm like, have you not eaten? She was eating breakfast because the personal care assistant was there and she was telling my friends that were coming over, oh yeah, I ate. I'm fine, I'm not hungry. And so they were sitting, chit-chatting. One of my friends to this day still tells me, Yeah, me and your mom just sit sat and listened to outcast. I'm like, but she didn't eat. But it just goes back to the support, and support is so necessary, so necessary. Like you said, whether it's for an hour, whether it's for a day, whatever it is, take it. It's so necessary. Um, I just have three more questions. So, one of my questions is looking back, what advice would you give somebody who unexpectedly is thrown into a situation where they're a parent, but now they have to switch to caregiving? What advice would you give someone?
SPEAKER_03Uh the first thing you have to do is you have to sit down and exhale. Um, and and you have got to survey your surroundings um and and and and allow yourself to you're you're in this moment and and what does that mean, right? So you you hear people say, you know, just the world is turning. You you have to come to grips with, okay, what is it, what's my new reality? Um but then moving beyond that, rely on your friends and your family, those that that care, because not all of them will step in. And so and and you you have to be careful not to have expectations of people and they fail to meet your expectations. Because some people you're gonna think, oh, well, you know, my cousin or my best friend and somebody that I I helped them when they were out of work and their daughter was sick, and I helped them with all of this, and when their mom died, I did all these things, they may not reciprocate in the same way. So you again, you have to just be mindful that not everyone is gonna reciprocate the type of support that you may have given them, right? And then the last thing is you gotta take care of yourself first. And so, like when you're on an airplane and they say, hey, look, you know, the plane's about to crash, you know, put put your mask on before you put the other person's mask on, that's that's for a reason. Yeah. So you gotta you gotta put your own mask on and breathe before you can begin to help somebody else. Now, after you get your mask on, you can you can successfully start to help others around you. But if you if you're able to just keep those things in perspective, you'll be okay. And then the other thing I would say is, and this is a tricky one because people, you know, we all have, you know, we're private and we we we have our pride. But I would say you got to talk to people and let them know your situation. And by talking to people, you you find out little things, pieces of information, social services that may that may be able to help you. There's a lot out there, there's a lot of information out there, and people who have gone down this road that you're going down, they can help you out just by sharing information with you. Um, and I found myself sharing information with people that it ultimately helps them immensely as they're trying to navigate things that are brand new to them because you this this isn't something that you just you're not born with this knowledge, right? You you grow into it, you know, with with your situation. So that that would be my advice.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that. I love that. And I would agree with absolutely everything that you said. I never exhaled. Um, I I never I everything I did because I was new to this was knee-jerk. If I was to go back, and of course we can't, but the advice that I would give someone today is like you said, breathe and let's try to let's try to picture what can happen instead of all these knee-jerk decisions. So, all right, let's talk about your son real quick. I want you to tell me how has your son inspired you?
SPEAKER_03Oh, well, he he inspires me and everyone around him in a multitude of ways. But the number one way is given everything that he's gone through, he still strives to have and do more. And he doesn't have any quit in him. And so it's hard for an able-bodied person to complain about anything when this person who is confined to a wheelchair is saying, Oh, yeah, I'm about to go do this. Oh yeah, I I I want to go. Um, uh, when he went to Vail, they went to Bogning and sledding, and you know, he's gone ziplining and you know, everything he wants to do, he's doing it. And, you know, he talked about skydiving and uh, oh, okay. And um the the the recent thing is he's he's working on getting his driver's license and because he he he wants to be independent, and you know, I'm so excited for him, but I do tell him when you get your license, you let me know what road you're on, because I probably will be across town on another road. I don't want to share the same road with you, but he's actually trying to get his driver's and and there's a way for him to do it. I mean, there's a there's a process, obviously, you have to go through a lot of testing, but there's no quit in him. And so because I don't I've never seen him quit, it's hard for me to quit. It's hard for me to to you know have you know feel sorry for myself. Um, you know, because I have an example of someone who who shows me each and every day how strong he is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that. No quit. No quit. Um, okay, so I know from what you've said about Evan. Um he has no quit and he's gonna keep trying and doing things. Tell me, what is something that Evan can beat you in um today?
SPEAKER_03He thinks that he's the best Uno and phase 10 player to ever walk the earth. So those are his games. Uh he loves to play it when we when we whenever we get together and uh we have a hilarious time because you know it's something that we all can join in on. And uh he typically does pretty good. Um, but yeah, that's that's that that would be the thing uh that that he is um he's he's his favorite thing that he likes to say, hey, I can I can I can beat you at this, you know, and so um Uno and phase 10.
SPEAKER_01All right, all right. So Mark, thank you so much for sharing your story um about parenting, about caregiving, especially unexpectedly. Um, I would love to get you and both of your children on the podcast, caregiving and conversations to get their side of it, but that'll be down the line. But thank you so much. You gave a lot of great information. Um, so again, hats off to you, hats off to your ex-wife, because Evan got that from somewhere as far as his no quit and um his compassion and his his his willing to bounce back no matter what. So that's a testament to you as parents. So thank you so much. Um, again, everybody, thank you so much for tuning in to Caregiving and Conversations. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share. But before we go, remember to give yourself grace. Remember to give yourself rest and remember to give yourself love because you deserve it too.
SPEAKER_03Thank you.