Caregiving & Conversations
Caregiving is one of life's greatest acts of love, but it's also one of its greatest challenges. This is a space where caregivers, families, and professionals come together for honest conversations, practical resources, and heartfelt stories that remind you that you're not alone.
Caregiving & Conversations
Siblings and Boundaries
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In this episode of Caregiving & Conversations, I sit down with Carlene for an open and honest conversation about siblings, caregiving, and boundaries. We explore the challenges that can arise when family roles, expectations, and responsibilities don’t always feel equal. Carlene shares her perspective on protecting relationships while also learning when and how to set healthy boundaries. It’s a conversation about family, love, communication, and finding balance in the midst of caregiving.
The views, stories, and opinions shared on caregiving and conversations are my own. The experiences I discuss are personal and honest reflections of my caregiving journey and genuine feelings. They are shared with transparency and authenticity and should never be interpreted as a lack of love, respect, or care for my loved ones. The views, stories, and opinions expressed by guests on this podcast are entirely their own and do not necessarily reflect those of caregiving and conversations or its hosts. The experiences and information shared are intended for educational and informational purposes only. They are not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your physician or another qualified health care provider regarding any medical condition or health-related concerns. Thank you for listening and welcome to Caregiving and Conversations.
SPEAKER_02Everyone, how are you doing today? Come on in. Let's have a conversation. We have a special guest with us today, Carlene. Carleen, how are you today?
SPEAKER_03I am doing very well.
SPEAKER_02Thank you. All right. Yes. So before we get started, one of the things I like to do is what I call my two-word check-in. And that is just give me two words of how you're feeling today. And we'll go. You need to go first being the guest.
SPEAKER_03Um excited and grateful.
SPEAKER_02I love those words. I love those words.
SPEAKER_03Excited and grateful.
SPEAKER_02Yes. So my two words today is probably going to be frustrated because of technology, but I'm also grateful. So what you guys don't know is uh Carlene and I have been doing this for what 26 minutes trying to get this started. So, you know, we can't help technology. So hopefully we can, you know, push through. Um, I just know that this is um the devil trying to work, and because he knows what's gonna happen today is going to be a very good conversation, and we're just gonna keep on going through. So, all right, we got that out of the way. Not yet. So we got that out of the way. All right, so I just want to give a little background. So it was probably 2017. Um, I got a phone call or DM from a Facebook friend who I have never met. And he reached out and he said, Hey, I have a friend um that is just now starting out in her caregiving journey. Um, would you mind speaking with her or talking to her? And I was like, sure, absolutely. And it was Carlene, and so her name is Carleen, but you'll see we both have on our twins t-shirts that say she. There's a story behind that. Um, we'll get to that. But the other part is talking to Carlene. Um, because I always try to do a conversation with people before I bring them on the podcast just to make sure what their story is. And when I tell you our stories were identical. Um, so we start calling each other twins. So if you hear me throughout this episode um calling her twin, I'm actually talking about Carlene. So we got that out of the way. But, anyways, um, this friend Jonathan reached out and said, I want you to meet um, or can you talk to Carlene and ask her and talk to her about her caregiving journey? And I was like, sure, absolutely. And I think we Facebooked through DM a couple of times and then it just kind of went ghost after that. And then just recently I reached back out and I was like, hey, I'm doing this podcast. Like, you want to join me on the podcast? And she said yes, even though she said she was a little nervous. So um she's gonna do great, but you'll see just how stories may be different, but there's always a running theme of things that are the same. So, twin, do you just want to give just a little bit of your story? And again, I just want people to feel free to give what they want to give. So the floor is yours.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Um, and it is true, it was 2017 because that's when I'm I moved back to Michigan to Detroit. Um, the funny thing is, I guess he was my Facebook friend too, and I've never met him either. So it's just this this, you know, Facebook friend. We went to Facebook high together.
SPEAKER_02That's exactly what it is. So Facebook is like this big, big universe thing, right? But this it's so small, and what I didn't realize with twin is she used to live in Dallas. We went to the same church, um, have some know some of the same people. So it's just small world, a lot of people. So, okay, go ahead.
SPEAKER_03Tell your story. So I had just moved back to Michigan uh to take care of my mom who took ill. And it was in 2017. Um, so I guess he had just been following my journey, you know, because I was posting things about my journey, and he reached out to me and he was like, Hey, I need you, you you really should meet this person. Her name is Tiffany. She has similar background, you know, she's a caregiver too. And I'm just like, um, okay. Like, all right. And so I think he connected us and it just kind of went from there. And yeah, we did kind of DM a couple times, and I guess life got busy for both of us. And then just recently, uh a couple, I don't what, a month or two ago, we reached out and we ended up having a conversation that turned into a three hour first conversation. Don't tell nobody that don't tell nobody that look no, it's fine. I mean, we like had so much in common when we were talking that time just flew by. I mean, we laughed like we were old friends who had known each other forever because again, we were sharing our um our caregiver stories, and and that's kind of how I don't know if you want me to talk about it. That's kind of how our t-shirts came about. Um, one of the caregiver stories I was sharing, and it's one of the funnier ones, you know, because there was some funny moments. Look, now that you look back on it, there was some funny moments. And that particular moment was I was sharing how I was like, I can't believe she my mom, I can't believe she in there talking about me. I'm like, she in there saying she this and she that. I'm like, who is she? And Tiffany chimed in and was like, I was she too. So that's how we got. That's how we got our first.
SPEAKER_02We are she. We are she twins.
SPEAKER_03She twins. But um, yeah, so 2017, um I left Dallas, which I was in Dallas. I don't know, were we there at the same time?
SPEAKER_02No, because when um I was at was in Atlanta and then I moved back in 2018.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I left Dallas in 2017. I was also a member of of Concord Church. I left, you came back to Dallas, I was in Michigan and I stayed there from 17 to 24. I moved to Atlanta. You had left Atlanta and came back to Dallas, and so now here we are. I know we have a lot of similarities in our story, but um, yeah, I took care of my mom for six and a half years before she passed away. Um, I one of my siblings helped quite a bit. Um my young brother right under me, Lawrence, he helped me. Like, I honestly don't know how I could have done it without him. Um, he was my support, he was my confidant, he was my venting person, you know. He he just he was just there for me and supported me. And I honestly like I I can't even imagine how I would have done it without him.
SPEAKER_02So I totally get it. I totally get it. Um, how many siblings do you have? How many are there in their family?
SPEAKER_03Um, I have four siblings total.
SPEAKER_02Okay, all right, all right. So it was you and then your brother, and your brother was there to be a support system for you, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yep. Yeah, so he helped my mom, you know, as much as she can, but she needed a lot of physical help. Um, so he was there kind of like my support, you know, anything that I needed, anything I needed for mom, he was just right there, you know. He was literally a phone call away. I mean, sometimes it was two o'clock in the morning, and he had to be up and at work at seven. And, you know, he was still a phone call away. So I I just yeah, I couldn't have done it without him.
SPEAKER_02Now, did he live in Michigan with you at the same time?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he did.
SPEAKER_02Okay. All right. So this episode is about siblings and boundaries, um, boundaries around caregiving, because there's a lot of dynamics when it comes to uh siblings, just siblings in itself. Then if you add um the emotional part of the caregiving um and the responsibilities, like how does that happen? Like who's gonna be the caregiver, especially when there's more than one? Um so how were you how was that decision made for you to be the caregiver when you were living in Dallas at the time to move back to Detroit?
SPEAKER_03Well, let's see.
SPEAKER_02Was it default? Were you default because you were the one?
SPEAKER_03No, you know what? My mom and I we always had a really close relationship. Um, like when I was living in Dallas, she was my if I had something to tell that was funny, we share the same sense of humor. She was the first person I called. Um I would talk to her at least two to three times a day, you know, me calling her, oh ma'am, guess what? Da-da-da-da. Or share my day with her. So she was always my like go-to person. And um, that was one of the reasons too, how I knew she wasn't doing well because I knew her voice. You know, we talked so much that I knew the sound of her voice, and I knew when it was something wasn't right. Um but I think I just felt it was a sense of responsibility. Personally, I felt that way. I didn't feel like I guess when I went into it, I I just went into it. I didn't think about who was gonna help, who wasn't gonna help. I just knew that you know I it was my responsibility. And then also, um, my mom was a single mom. So I had always promised her I would always look out for her, you know, and I always told her, no matter what, I'm gonna always take care of you. And so that was me too, honoring my promise to her.
SPEAKER_02And then when you made that move, that was a tell me about it. Um, when you made that move um back from Dallas back to Detroit, were there any conversations with your siblings about this is what I'm doing? You just kind of did it.
SPEAKER_03No, it was in a matter of four weeks. Oh, okay, sorry. You know, I packed up and um basically packed up my life in Dallas, put everything in storage, and moved to Detroit. Um, my mom was not a sickly person. So I think I think what put me into that mode of just I gotta get there, I gotta do it, was because she was never a sickly person. And this was kind of like her this was a major health scare, and it scared me to the point I was like, okay, you know, I don't care. I just gotta go take care of my mom. That's all I thought about, you know. Hindsight, had I wish I would have done it differently, yes, you know, but in that moment, in that time, all I could think about was she needed me and I need to be there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I totally get it. I know when um my mom had her diagnosis, and I was like, okay, so having the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis was one thing, but when she actually became disabled and she wasn't able to do anymore, it was a matter of having a flare-up and all of a sudden everything changed. And so when I look back at it now, it definitely I made a lot of knee-jerk decisions um where I wish I could have made some different decisions. Um, but we can't go back and change that now. Um, one of the things I wish I would have done was have more conversation with my siblings about um what does this care look like? Kind of like you, I just went into go moment and just did whatever needed to be done, I just did it. Um one of my brothers was in college, so there wasn't, you know, we wanted him, like it was a decision. You are going to finish school. Like no matter what, we are going to have you finish school. But keeping those lines of communication open and stating, like one of the things I wish I would have done was I'm gonna do this for X amount of time, and then somebody else can do this for X amount of time, but it didn't, it didn't go that way. Was there any conversation that you wish you would have had with your siblings as far as setting a boundary as far as time frame of caring or um even respite care? Was there any conversations with that?
SPEAKER_03Um no, and to be I guess perfectly honest, um I felt like they were there and there was no support or help, so I can't really rely on that. And I don't know, I guess I'm just a person of you see what's going on and you are there, then I shouldn't have to have a conversation, you know. It's not I felt like it's not 90% my mom, and then 10% divide amongst four is your mom, you know what I mean? Like, so it's as grown, you know, people don't want people to tell them what to do as adults, but then they go, Well, why you didn't? Why you didn't? And I'm like, Well, you know what? I didn't feel I had to say anything when you see the circumstance and what's going on. So I just went into, you know what, I'm gonna do what I need to do. If you want to help, then the door is always open and I will welcome it, but I don't I didn't feel like I should have to have a conversation with grown adults when you see the situation that your parent is in. Um and the fact that I needed to have that conversation, it it just kind of made me angrier even more the fact that I needed to have a conversation with you. So I felt I just said, you know what, I'm gonna just do what I'm gonna do and my means of doing it. And whoever helps helps, whoever don't, don't. Um, and I I think I've, you know, I I honestly felt more sorrowful for my mom than for myself. At first it was about me, you know, because you at first everything is bombarded towards you, and you're like, oh my god, this is so overwhelming. I've never done this before. I don't know what to do, I don't know who to ask to do what, I don't know where to go. I just know I gotta take care of this person. This person is in their own little deal because they're dealing with their their new way of living in their life, and they're angry, and now they're taking it out on you. That's kind of where she comes from.
SPEAKER_02Because you know, I have a name, I have a name.
SPEAKER_03Like, who I'm like, who is she talking about?
SPEAKER_02Surely I'm not she exactly, and so people are probably looking at us, right? Like, why are they laughing? When you're in the midst of caregiving, it's so fun, it's so hard to find the humor, right? You you're just going through the motions, you're taking everything personal, um, whether it's from your your per your loved one, like for you, it's your mom. For me, it was my mom. So you're taking it personal on how they're treating you. And then um, for me, I even took it personal. Um, when my brothers weren't stepping up on certain things the way that I wanted them to. Um, and I like what you said when you said it wasn't 90% my mom and 10% split around amongst the four of you. Exactly. Um, for me, I just had two brothers, right? And so it wasn't it, it it was different. You had there's five of you, so that's that's different. For me, it was just the three of us. Um but today we can look back at it and we can laugh because you know, even though um twins' mother is no longer here with us, but my mom is still here, we can look back on those moments um and we can laugh, right? Because we've been through it, we know that um there is an end. We don't know when that end is gonna happen. Um, so if you picked no go ahead.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, in the in the moment it wasn't funny. It was nothing was funny. Look, nothing was funny, nothing, nothing, but nothing. But you know what? Now now I can look back and now like the sheet is you know, we both laughed about that. And and and you know, there is some moments that was good moments, very good moments, and a lot I got a lot out of it. Um, I learned a lot about myself. Uh, my faith grew, you know, because I didn't have the support system that I thought I would have. So my support system became God in my faith. And so that's why I'm like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't change anything other than the knee-jerk initially of how I left my prior life, you know, to go to my new life. I think that's the only regret that I have. Other than that, if I had to do it all over again, I would do it all over again.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I tell people all the time caregiving is gonna be that thankless job, but it's the most priceless job that you will ever have. Um and I got to a place where um I never I got over the I wish you would do, can you guys just? And I got over that. Um, no, don't get me wrong. Even when I got over it, there were moments where I was like, you know, and and part of it, there was a lot of truth in it. It was just my delivery on how I was, but that delivery was coming out of a place of frustration. And when we think about it, like looking back now, I can I could pinpoint every little thing I could have done differently.
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_02What I wouldn't have done differently, though, is care for my mom.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I still have those thoughts every day, you know. Yeah, I wish I would have done it this way, or I wish I would have done it that way. But you know what I learned, twin? I learned over the course of it's almost been three years now. And what I've learned, and I guess this is I'm gonna cry. I'm sorry if I cry. But um again, my faith grew. It grew like I'm surprised. I'm surprised at my faith now, and it's taught me so much grace. Um I think if I don't get anything else out of it, it's taught me grace, even to the other siblings, you know. I just said, you know what? They didn't have the capacity. They didn't have the capacity. Um and yeah, they didn't have the capacity. And that's something that they will have to, you know. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe not deal with, you know, everybody's journey is different. But I know that I did and gave everything that I had and could give. And now I don't I don't have anger towards them. I did at first. Yeah. Oh yeah. That first year. That first year. But it wasn't until I I like hit a brick wall and I surrendered to God. And I was just like, I can't do this. Either I'm gonna continue to hate them and then I know how long this journey is gonna be, and I'm just gonna be bitter and angry this whole journey, or I'm gonna just surrender all of this to God, and He'll have to deal with them in his own way, and I can't be mad or angry with them anymore. And that's when I realize I can't have those conversations because if I have those conversations, I'm gonna be upset if they don't say what I want them to do.
SPEAKER_02So let's talk about that. Let's talk about that. Like when we talk about setting boundaries and our siblings, what could what could a sibling say that would satisfy you? Do you have anything?
SPEAKER_03You know what? It was it was one incident that happened. Um so I got to the point, you know, I was taking care of my mother 24-7. Well, not 24 because she's left, but you know, so I was like, you know, I think I need like one weekend a month off. That's it, you know. The other, you know, what 27 days out of the month, I'm doing it all the time, all everything. And my mom was hands-on because she was partially uh immobile. So she had to have help, you know, whether it was bathing, whether it was toiletry, all of those things. She had to have help with everything. So I'm like, can I just get like a long weekend, like three days, just once a month, and let me just go out of town or whatever, even if it was a staycation at a hotel, just so the brother that helped, you know, all the time, for some, I think he had to work or something. So he asked one of the other siblings if they would, you know, pitch in that weekend. And that sibling said, Who goes out of town every week every month? And he was like, Caregiver, a caregiver, Carlina's. I'm like, you work your job 40 hours a week and you have the weekends off. I don't have that luxury. Can I just have three days out of the whole month? Yeah. So I to answer your question, I don't, I don't, I don't know what like because that's why I say I would when I got to the point of surrendering and I was like, you know what, God's gonna handle them. I didn't want to have any more conversations. I didn't want to because I didn't want to go back to where I was and how I was feeling. So I was like, I didn't want to risk that because I wasn't sure how the conversation would go. And I couldn't have taken him saying that to my face. He said it to the other siblings. Yeah, I couldn't have taken that because I probably would have just gone off, you know. So I was like, so but we laughed about it, me and the sibling that helped. We laughed about it, but um yeah, so I ended up having to hire a caregiver to come in to relieve the caregiver. And it was very fortunate that I found a young lady who um did it kind of on the side part-time. She was actually a full-time um hospice aide.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03She was very, very passionate, very, and she was actually the only one my mother was comfortable with when I was gone. So when Anita helped, you know, when I had to take up leave or whatever, uh, I felt completely comfortable leaving because I knew Anita was gonna take care of her like I took care of her. Yeah, actually, she did a better job than me. She did a better job than me. So when I would leave to, you know, take a break, it was actually a break for me and my mom because my mom was like, Yeah, you need a break. And she was ready for me to go because I was ready to go. And but then when you know, when I came back, it was like it was like a reset for both of us, you know, both of our attitudes. It was a reset. So yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. I I I totally get that. Um, I'm because in the moment we're looking for the support, we're looking for somebody to say something to us that will ease some of what we're going through, some of that heavy weight. Um, but like you said, if if they would have not responded the way that you wanted them to, then that adds a whole nother layer. Right. Um, and I saw so so I think one of the things we could do is communicate and tell them what we're needing, right? And say, like you, like you said, I need one weekend a month. Please just give me that. Um so communicating what our needs are. A lot of times when I was in it, I didn't even know what I needed. I was just like, I I don't know. So it was hard for me to communicate. So I think having check-ins with your sibling often, right, is is very important. If I could do it again, um, I mean, we're still in it, it the roles have all changed, um, especially now that my mom is living in an assistant living facility. And so she's not in someone's home because that is hard when you're doing the 24-7. Um and I was still working a full-time job. But even then, I didn't even know how to communicate. I remember um it was 20 2016, and I was still living here in Dallas, and I kept having these headaches, and I was like, oh, these headaches, these headaches, these headaches. And I went to the doctor and I said, I need to get something for this headache, it just won't go away. And the doctor took my blood pressure and she didn't say anything right away, and we were talking. She's like, tell me more about these headaches. And she came back and she took the blood pressure again, and my blood pressure was like 190 something over 120 something. And she's like, I could actually admit you to the hospital. And my response was, No, you can't. I have to get home and take care of my mom. She said, if you go down, who's gonna take care of your mom? Yeah, and I remember sitting in this doctor's office bartering with my doctor, can you just give me something for this headache and whatever you need to do to get the blood pressure down? And she's like, You're not taking this seriously. And I'm like, actually, I need to get back to work, but like, can we? And so I don't think I even the caregiver didn't even know how to take care of the caregiver. Um, but in that moment, I did have to come, I did have to reach out to my brother and I said, I need a break. I actually need a break. And I remember um my brother, uh, my mom going to my brother for like two weeks to give me a break. And in that two weeks, I was able to sleep. I was able to go to the gym. I got to eat what I wanted. I can sleep when I want, I got to do in that two weeks, almost felt like two months. And yeah, I just knew I have to do a better job of setting a boundary, I have to do a better job with expressing what I need. And it shouldn't get to me be getting almost admitted into the hospital for me to kind of get that kind of care. Um, so I think I think that's one of the things that we can do with our siblings is you know, make let what we because we can even say, I don't know what I need right now, but if I come to you and tell you later, I just need you to be open and to receive it, right? I don't need all those questions because you're asking for 72 hours out of a month.
SPEAKER_03I haven't done the calculation, but how many, how many hours are in a month?
SPEAKER_02You just need a 72 of them.
SPEAKER_03Well, here's the thing too. I have four siblings, so that meant you only had to do it maybe twice a year.
SPEAKER_00You know, it's okay.
SPEAKER_03You only had to do it twice a year, yeah. Yeah, and for you to question that, so that's why I was like, okay, so this is a different group, and I I obviously can't rely on or they won't be my go-to. So I just that's I think that's when I just went into the mode of I gotta do what I have to do for myself. And if they want to, fine. If they don't, then you know, I can't be mad or upset. That's just it. But definitely if you have that kind of um communication with your siblings, that you're able to have rational conversations with your siblings, then yeah, absolutely you know, have those uh conversations early. Um honestly what I believe is that all of this about the caregiving, about how things are gonna happen, if mom goes into this or does this, if dad this happens, that should be a family conversation prior to any type of incident because um I currently now work in a senior care environment. And you know, I tell them they're most of them, I would say like 80% of them are pretty healthy and still driving. I I inform them from my perspective that you should have these type of conversations with your family prior to anything happening so that it won't be a situation where you have no choice or your choices are you know taken away from you because you're in the situation, um, whether it be putting in a be put in a nursing home or you know, things like that, um, or who's gonna take care of you, you know. Is it gonna be Sally and Billy? Is it gonna be you know, whatever the case may be, it should be a family plan, you know. And sometimes those are hard conversations. Um, I know even me having a conversation with my mom about like, if you die, how would what do you how do you want that to look? Do you want to be cremated? Do you want to be buried? And she for the longest would not talk to me about that. But I'm a very direct person, so I'm like again, twins. Yeah, yeah, very direct. And I'm like, okay, well, we're gonna circle back, but we're gonna have this conversation. And she eventually, you know, I I think she started to see, okay, I need to have this conversation, and it it lessened the scariness of it all, too, you know, when you have those kind of conversations. And um, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think I think you I think you hit the the nail on the head when you said have those conversations earlier. Um, and it needs to be a family discussion about roles, about responsibilities, what your parents want to be able to honor that. Um, we're seeing in the news right now with Malcolm Jamal Warner and his wife and child and taking it to um the media and following uh uh having a lawsuit against the mother. Um, we've seen it with Chazwick Bow uh, what's this Chazwick Bowman? Bowman, yeah. And his wife and now his brothers are saying she's not doing what she needs to do. Um, and so we have to have those conversations, um, especially when you have means and resources, because we don't want it to fight, and we know that can always be a fight, right? The the who did what, who gets what, who should be, all of those things. Um, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, um, but my mom didn't have a lot, you know. She didn't have a lot, so it wasn't it wasn't a lot for us to even fight over. It wasn't it it's it's still it's not a lot to fight over. Um, but I do know that those conversations are had. We did have those conversations when my mom's brain was still working and she still knew some of her needs and wants and what did she want. And we do touch base once a year, just kind of like, hey, this is what we're we're still in agreement, right? But that comes from trial and error. That has come with 25 years of being in this caregiving game with the three of us and having those conversations. Um, but at first, yeah, we weren't having no conversation, we weren't having those conversations, and you kind of touched on it a little bit.
SPEAKER_01I don't know what's going on.
SPEAKER_03It always happens. The conversation went out. There you go.
SPEAKER_01Actually, my power went out.
SPEAKER_02Oh no. All right, I don't know what's going on. It's some huge technology issues, but I just want to thank Twin for coming on and talking about siblings and boundaries. We will probably continue this conversation on another day, but um yeah, it's been very interesting so far, thus far, um, with especially today and the technology. Um, oh, you're still here? You're here, you're back. Yeah, yeah, it was me. This I think my power just went out.
SPEAKER_03So I'm like, no, I'm still here, and you you yeah, we love technology. Technology is one of those things that girls that conversation was getting really good.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's again, right? And so this just means, you know, we're just gonna have to bring you back, um, and we're gonna have to talk some more about it. But I just want to say, you know, um, there's so many different dynamics when it comes to siblings just by itself. There's so many different dynamics when it comes to a care caregiver. Um, there's dynamics just when it comes to setting those boundaries. Um, but I don't want to leave like on a on a down note. Um, but you you you you pretty much you pretty much nailed it with me.
SPEAKER_03Um yeah, absolutely. Communication I can't stress it enough. Um I wish that I had the the open communication with my other siblings. Um and it just didn't happen that way. So I did have it with the one sibling and we talked every day, like literally every day. We talked every day. Um and again, I I'm so grateful for that rel. I mean, he and I have always been close, and that brought us closer. And you know, so but definitely have all the hard conversations. Um it's life, it's life. And it's gonna happen whether you have these conversations or not. Yeah, unfortunately. And we nobody knows what you know, when our parents age, what that's gonna look like. Nobody knows they don't even know, you know. So you need to have the hard hard conversations and uh yeah, yeah, because you know, we always think about life in the moment. Yeah, you froze again. There you go. Okay, child, we're gonna end this.
SPEAKER_02We're gonna end this cuz but I was just gonna say, you know, we don't talk that much about the in-between time and what happens in case there's a disability, in case there is um a diagnosis that's debilitating. We don't have those conversations. And I think again, when we talk about um putting stuff in place, that is the conversation we need to have because we can talk about do you want to be cremated? Do you want to have a burial? Do you want this, do you want that? But we don't talk about those conversations of and as a family of what if there's a debilitating um diagnosis and you're no longer able to care for yourself? Who is gonna be caring for um like you, you know, um, no children, yeah, the girl in the family. And so I think for me, it just kind of defaulted. Um, but and and it it defaulted, um, you know, but it wasn't a conversation that was had. But like you, I was just kind of like, this is my mom, I'm gonna do it, and whatever needs to be done will be done, and I made it happen. Sounds good until you're sitting in the doctor's office with the blood pressure and the doctor talking about they're gonna admit you, right? Um, but I don't I'm we're gonna wrap this up because I have no idea what's going on. But I want to have two questions that I want to um ask you here. If you could tell every sibling of a caregiver one thing, what would it be? Not just yours, but overall, if there's any sibling caregiving out here.
SPEAKER_03Help help the caregiver sibling. Help the care, even if it's coming over once a week to do laundry, even it's doing the grocery shopping, what whatever, whatever you may think, oh, she's doing everything and she got it, or oh, she's doing everything, and I can't, I don't know how I can fit in. You can fit in sometime just sitting for two hours while the other the caregiver go get a massage or something. I mean, it's something it's simple things like that. That and and what they don't understand, it helps the parent as well, you know. It helps the parent as well, and so I I think it's just get out of your own way, get out of your own way and volunteer to do anything you can, even if it's laundry, you know, just show some effort, show some effort, that's all yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I like that. I like that. Show some effort. Um all right, so we talk about sibling stereotypes. So I just threw a couple out here, and I wanted to I want you to tell me which one you think you fit or if you have your own. So we have the peacemaker, the organizer, the comedian, the protector, or the wild card? Which sibling stereotype, or if you have your own, which one are you?
SPEAKER_03Uh D, all of the above.
SPEAKER_02That is so funny because when I was writing this out, I was like, did I just describe myself?
SPEAKER_03Um, right? I think I I guess if I had to pick one, it would be the organizer. Yeah, it would be the organizer. I'm just gonna jump in and I'm gonna make it happen, period.
SPEAKER_02Yep, that's that's that's it. That's my main one. Peace might fall on the on the on the on the last one that might be blowing out. Yeah, peace is probably the fifth, but it's on there at times. But no, I think I think as a caregiver, you actually have to be all of those because you're constantly wearing different hats depending on the day, and all that can be determined on the person that you're caring for. Because I could wake up and be like, I'm in a good day. And then I would be called she and she don't do this, and she don't do that. And I'll be like, wah, there goes my day. Um, and so I had to learn to not allow whatever my mom was going through to affect my mood in that moment, which was hard. I'm just gonna say it's it's hard. But twin, I want to say thank you so much. Um, even in spite of all of the technical difficulties before we hit the record button. Um, once we hit the record button, um, again, this conversation, we could keep going and going and going. Um, but let's go ahead and just wrap this up because we'll just bring I'll just bring you back on again. You know, we'll we'll find, you know, when I think about topics, I have a topic I want for you specifically. So I'll tell you that offline.
SPEAKER_03But um but again, thank you so much. I would love to come back.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's just a conversation with you and I, like we're on the phone. We just got the camera on this time, but yeah, it's it's it's it's you know, it's always scary that first time. And I want to say thank you for uh pushing that that that scariness off to the side and joining me for caregiving and conversations. All right, everybody, that's this episode. But before we go, I want to say remember to give yourself grace, remember to give yourself rest, and remember to give yourself love because you deserve it. Bye, everybody.