Born Fabulous
Born Fabulous
Season 3, Episode 23, Part 7: June & Jim Zoul with Melody & Bob Rupple, "All About Love: Engagement, Marriage, Relationship Guidance, and Sex"
What's the magic formula for a memorable wedding that honors family traditions and supports future financial stability for children with Down syndrome? Join us on this heartwarming episode of the Born Fabulous Podcast where we share the touching journey of James Zoll and Kristen Ruppel's engagement through the loving voices of their parents, June and Jim Zoll, and Melody and Bob Ruppel. Bob recalls the unforgettable dinner where James nervously asked for Kristen's hand in marriage, a cherished Ruppel family tradition. Meanwhile, Melody and Bob paint a vivid picture of Kristen's proposal and the unique considerations involved in planning their joyous celebration. From the significance of family rituals to the excitement of uniting two wonderful families, this episode emphasizes the delicate balance between wedding expenses and future financial planning for their beloved children.
The conversation doesn't stop at the wedding. We dive deeper into the dynamics of James and Kristen's relationship and the supportive roles their families play in nurturing their love. With insights from their external therapist, Mary Heed, we explore the importance of effective communication, conflict resolution, and maintaining independence in their marriage. Topics like practical birth control and navigating parental involvement are discussed with a focus on mutual respect and support. Tune in for an episode filled with touching stories and invaluable insights into the complexities and joys of nurturing a loving relationship while honoring family traditions and planning for the future.
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Hello, my name is Greta Harrison. Welcome to Born Fabulous Podcast, season 3, episode 23. The theme of this season is young adults with intellectual disabilities living full lives of independence and interdependence. This episode features June and Jim Zoll and Melody and Bob Ruppel. Melody and Bob Ruppel. It is the seventh of eight episodes with the Zolls and the Ruppels, which is part of an in-depth series about marriage featuring parents, self-advocates with support staff and an employer. Both the Zolls and the Ruppels are retired and have been married over 40 years. They are the parents of James Zoll and Kristen Ruppel, who've been married over five years. James and Kristen have Down syndrome. Now please enjoy this clip. Of Love is a Potion. The lyrics are by Melissa Riggio, who was the focus of season one episodes one through four. The music and voice are by Rachel Fuller. Love is everything.
Speaker 2:Love is all around. Love is a potion. Love is passion.
Speaker 1:Love is devotion, love is fusion now let's, let's all hear about the wedding, the wedding.
Speaker 3:I think Bob should start by telling about when James took him out to dinner.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, I think that's a good starting point. So, keeping in mind that I have three other daughters and so three other son in laws and James always wanting to be one of the dudes, right, you know he knew that. The other son-in-law Well, first of all, you know Kristen was our oldest, so she got married first, and then I mean Nicole and Kristen would have been next in line based on age, but instead Lisa got married next, and so that left Kaylee, the baby of the family, and Kristen. So we had three weddings in three years, and so Kaylee was ready to get married and Kristen was determined she was going to get married before Kaylee, because Kaylee's a little baby of the family and Kristen's the only one. But I convinced successfully, actually convincing Kristen that you know, kristen, sometimes it's best to save the best for the last. It'll be this big thing that everyone's so excited about. They won't be thinking about anybody else's weddings coming up and all the attention to be on you. And she bought it, and so, whoops, so Kaylee got married first.
Speaker 4:So so then then Kristen got engaged and I always told James just like with Kristen, I'm just treating you like anybody else and I'm treating you just like every one of my other son-in-laws, so no special treatment, james. And so anyway, he knew that the other son-in-laws had asked me out for dinner to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage. So he caught texts me, you know, because he's really good at texting all that kind of stuff um, and uh, testimony says I want to take you out to dinner, I have a question for you. So we go out to dinner and we're sitting there and he's just, you know, he's just all giddy and he's nervous and everything you know.
Speaker 5:Can I interject, james? Well, he wrote this proposal to you and he practiced for weeks with it, with Jim.
Speaker 4:So go ahead, yeah, well yeah, I was going to say that, but I'm glad you said it. So he was all prepared and he was very nervous about the whole thing and we had a nice meal, you know. And so then he did that, you know. He said I have a question I need to ask you. And he read his speech and asked for hand in marriage, you know. And so, as I did with all my other son-in-laws, I said well, james, that's wonderful that you asked me that. Why should I say yes? Tell me why I should say yes. You know, it threw him off. You know, because I love your daughter.
Speaker 4:And I said all the right things, you know and everything, and because I always give all the hard time, and so anyway, I said, james, you know, I, and because I always give all of them a hard time, um, and so anyway I said, james, you know, I'm just kidding you, I'd be thrilled for you to you know be right and then I, then we had to
Speaker 4:get jude on the on with these times so she could watch what we were doing and it was really great and he was so thrilled because I keep saying I can't wait to become part of the whole family and yes, he was so excited that he wanted to, uh, no longer be James Zoll, he wanted to be James Ruppel. I wasn't going to tell that part of the story.
Speaker 4:He looks at me, he goes he looks at me, he goes I can't wait to to be a Ruppel. I said wellames, let me explain how this works. He was so cute that he was great.
Speaker 1:He was just like anybody else yeah and he is, and he is a ruple too, isn't he?
Speaker 6:even though yeah, yeah yeah, he's here.
Speaker 4:yeah, no, I won't say some of the things. He was just here on Sunday, so yeah.
Speaker 1:So then, so you say, finally you get him off the hook and you say you're kidding, and you've got yes.
Speaker 4:How much wedding planning is there?
Speaker 3:Well, that goes back over to Melody went out to one of their favorite restaurants out on the out on the pier in Oceanside and we were there and our both our families were there and and then he asked her to marry him and she didn't know it was coming and so she was just so surprised and she cried and you know all the stuff. It was really a special moment and for us, because we had already given these other weddings she had been in those weddings, she had done all the wedding things it was like so what do we do? I can't. You know you walk that line financially because you know you're planning for their future and the money you want to leave to take care of them. So we're going to spend all this money on a wedding, but yet we spent the money on our sister's wedding. I can't say we can't do this for you. We spent the money on her sister's wedding. I can't say we can't do this for you. And so we did it and we did all the things. It was a traditional wedding. You know we went with a traditional ceremony. Bob's brother actually married them. Bob's brother actually married them. You know, as parents you have to look at all the aspects of getting married, how it affects their financial situations, and make a decision based on that. But we did they both. They had a bet. You know, they had bachelorette parties and a bachelor party Boy did they?
Speaker 3:Yeah, kristen went to Disneyland with all her sisters, a cousin and her friend that was in the wedding. James had a party bus. That was fun. She had a shower at our house and, and, and all our family and friends are so, so supportive. I mean, everybody is always there for Kristen. And then, uh, they got wet.
Speaker 3:They got married, um, at a local hotel by a lake, uh, in our area, and you know, we went ready wedding dress shopping and she fell in love with she always wanted the princess bride dress and when she tried it on, it was it and she didn't want to try anything else on, you know. And we did the whole thing where everybody you know, her sister, all her bridesmaids came and watched her try on dresses and all that kind of stuff, you know. And it was a traditional wedding, um, we had a dj, um, there was a lot of dancing. Uh, everybody had a really good time and, like the photographers and the florists and all these people, just they're like that's the best wedding I've ever been to.
Speaker 3:And people were good too. Like she fell in love with this dress that was kind of expensive and the owner of the shop gave it to her at cost, and the florist the florist and cut down her prices. And my other girls had had a day of wedding planner and she goes, I've just done, I did their weddings. I'm just going to do this for you for free. She wouldn't take any money, but she was there and and uh, helped plan everything and pull it off, you know, and and the photographers were a friend of the family and they gave her a better price and you know, just all kinds of people doing good things to make it all happen. And so many people were like that is the best wedding I've ever been to.
Speaker 5:The energy and the love that was. There is something the room, the reception room, that it was. I mean, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It was such a celebratory time for everybody. You could just feel it. You could just feel it you did a great job, melody being your fourth wedding, yeah, yeah yeah, I kind of followed Melody's lead on everything. She knew it all so I did.
Speaker 4:I did especially like one moment in the ceremony. My brother was officiating, as June said, and and they both did their vows, they made up their vows and they were doing their vows and and James was, you know, pretty nervous, you know, as any groom would be, and saying his vows, and my brother just sort of stopped for a second and said James are you nervous? And James looks up at him and goes well, I've never done this before.
Speaker 1:That's a great story. That's good. It was your brother a minister, or he has been.
Speaker 4:He's been a dj, he worked on the tonight show. He's uh, yeah, wow, a little bit of everything. He works for a christian company.
Speaker 1:Now that's in multimedia and uh, yeah so he's a jack of all trades yes okay, that's good, why he's never done it before why I've never done this before that's wonderful, all right, so so we're talking about people who are adults and who've been together a long time. So how did you navigate the subject of sex?
Speaker 5:we haven't we June, we're still, we're still working on that we're still working on that.
Speaker 5:I think early on in their relationship of of dating. Actually, I think we did we hire Mary Heed after they moved in together or or before, but she she was a she's a therapist and she was actually known as being a relationship therapist. And so Mary met with them once a month for a few years actually met with them once a month for a few years actually and James and Kristen knew that Mary was a safe place to talk about whatever they needed to talk about, and Mary made it very clear to us parents that that was very private. She wasn't going to come and tell us what she talked about, and I know for James.
Speaker 6:James and Kristen knew that also.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 6:Yeah, it was very good for them.
Speaker 5:James again. Lisa Hotellin had a book for Jamie that was called it's Perfectly Normal, um. That was called it's perfectly normal, um, uh it's. It's had a few different editions over the years but james had got that book. It's perfectly normal. That um was. You know, it talked a lot about female and male bodies and things like that and kind of promotes different conversations. So we did have that with James. But Mary he the therapist I think was very beneficial with giving them that safe place to talk about things and and I I did talk to them a lot as well Again, I think maybe being the mother of the male, and just would ask them did they have any questions?
Speaker 5:And I still do that sometimes they both talk very freely to me and they usually don't have too many questions anymore. I just want to be sure that whatever the sexual activity is accepted by both and both are comfortable with and you know they have their appropriate times. They've had to learn when to be intimate with each other when the aides are not there and they actually both have their own bedrooms with conjugal visits. I like to say they over the years have kind of come to kind of having some set times together, both of them, being so schedule-orientated, kind of needed that, so that James wasn't always bugging Kristen because he a guy and and he, he had to know, so just um, yeah, yeah yeah, I think you know for us.
Speaker 3:Uh, I mean, certainly I've talked to Kristen lots about it, but I think she is more open with her sisters.
Speaker 6:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So she's always had them for support too and to ask questions yeah.
Speaker 4:I think Mary Heed was really beneficial. She was fantastic, and one of the things that was really special she did was when she would pull them together to talk about whatever's bothering them. Um, you know, they get mad at each other, of course, and and they would um not know how to express their, their issues to each other without a fight. Basically, they're getting mad like anybody would. So, anyway, she gave them this thing where, when they would sit down to share with each other, it was called a gift of love, yeah, and the one would say the other, I have a gift of love. And that alone, I think, just saying that, put them in a space of being safe and, you know, talk to the other person and not have them come back and attack you for saying whatever you're saying and and work it out, talk it out, and so, long after mary he's gone, they're still using that, and I thought that was an awesome mechanism for, uh, working through issues I love that.
Speaker 1:I think all couples could use that. Yeah, there'd probably be less divorces if all couples use that. That's great.
Speaker 3:I have a gift of love, wow wow, they have probably, better than most people, learn to really sit down and talk things out. Yeah, you know, and, and james wants to be a good husband and kristin wants to be a good wife, and uh, so we talk a lot about that. You know, like for kristin, you know we talk a lot about being a good wife, and so we talk a lot about that. You know, like for Kristen, you know we talk a lot about being a good wife but still having, you know, her independence and the things that she's interested in that you know that it's okay for them each to have some of their own things and lots of things they do together, and so we'll talk a lot about that kind of a thing.
Speaker 1:What about birth control?
Speaker 3:Well, James had a vasectomy and Kristen is on the birth control pill.
Speaker 1:Oh, they're doing both Okay.
Speaker 3:Just to be safe.
Speaker 1:Okay. She was on it originally to help regulate her period, so Okay, let's talk about that fine line of staying in and out of their marriage. It sounds like you two respect each other's parenting styles. When I say you two, I mean the, the Zoles and the and the Rupels. How do you stay out of their relationship and and let go? I mean now it's been five years, it's probably easier, right it is, uh, easier.
Speaker 3:I think having someone outside of their parents to talk to is important, because then it's coming from that therapist rather than looking like we're interfering. I mean I think that is an important piece. And then you know, I mean June and I will call each other, got a minute to talk, you know, and then we'll talk through. Oh, this is happening and we think it's a misunderstanding between this and that, and then we'll help them work through that.
Speaker 5:Right. I appreciate that we are not the type of parents that call each other constantly and complain constantly. I've always appreciated that and we can talk lovingly to each other other. There was another relationship in James and Kristen's circle of friends that they two of their friends got married and the parents disliked each other immensely and so it didn't work out whether or not it would have worked out for the kids. It didn't work out, and that's just the reality of disabled young adults.
Speaker 5:Getting married is that you're kind of marrying the other family as well, and I will say that you know you don't parent exactly like another parent usually, and there will always be things that the other parent does that you don't agree with necessarily. And what I've always appreciated is that we can do that and it's okay that we parent differently and it can be a good thing, because I've learned so much from Bob and Melody and how they parent. That's helped me, you know. That's helped us in our parenting of James and we, even though we parent differently, we can still respect how each of us parent. Yes, it doesn't have to be the same to work, but it does have to be A gift of love when necessary.
Speaker 6:It doesn't have to be just for marriages, right? I love that, you know is the bottom line, however, we choose to say or do something is their best interest is what it's all about, you know what are your dreams.
Speaker 1:What are your dreams for their future, now that you're talking about their best interest?
Speaker 4:happily ever after yeah you know it's been such a long journey and, as we've said, I think, through this whole interview, we've just taken it one step at a time and they've kind of led the way. Yeah, I don't, I don't really think about that. I think they're already living their lives, as anybody is, and they're going to continue to live their lives, and it's not really up to me to try to imagine what she'll be doing later in the future, because why do that, unless I'm going to try to make something happen, and that's not my role. So there can be specific little things you think about. You know how she can handle this if I'm not around later or whatever. But really, when I think of five years now, 10 years from now, I would just envision it as both of them living their dreams.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and I will say their dreams are.
Speaker 5:I will say one thing that that keeps us going in supporting their life together, because it's it, because it's work. I mean it's not terrible work and we would do anything to facilitate what our kids want. But one thing that keeps me going without any hesitation is their love for each other. I mean, I don't think that has ever wavered with how much they love each other and even through really difficult times. That you know. That's so true. So if you know that, you know you can. You can maneuver through whatever you need to maneuver through to facilitate them.
Speaker 4:And something to consider too, is the fact of how fortunate James and Kristen are to have that love of each other. There are so many people in the world that do not have that.
Speaker 5:I know how could you not support it? Yeah?
Speaker 1:Exactly. Thank you for listening to episode 23 of Born Fabulous Podcast's third season. I hope you enjoyed it and want to hear more. Short video clips from most episodes are available on our YouTube channel and on BornFabulousPodcastcom. You can also hear all released episodes of Born Fabulous Podcast on YouTube now. Of Born Fabulous podcast on YouTube now. In episode 24, you will hear the Zoles and the Ruples discuss role models, advice they give themselves and others, and much more. Please follow and like us on Facebook, instagram, twitter and Threads. If you enjoyed this episode. I'd be honored if you would leave a review wherever you heard this podcast Now. Please enjoy this clip. Of Love is a Potion. The lyrics are by Melissa Riggio, who was the focus of season one, episodes one through four. The music and voice are by Rachel Fuller. Love does not tear apart.
Speaker 2:Love is a potion, love is passion. Love never fails. Love's emotion Ocean.