Threes Aloud's Podcast
Taryn and Kevin from 99 Rock are back at it agin and this time they brought a new character. Talor is a local with NO filter! She says the things people are afraid to think of in their head to one another. You'll laugh, you'll gasp and probably cry! Talor Taryn and Kevin are Three's Aloud.
Threes Aloud's Podcast
Funeral talk & Get to know Talor
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Kevin & Taryn are back at it and they brought Talor with them! Meet Talor and learn how stupid Kevin & Taryn are at a funeral.
Hey, Record, let's go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, see now people are already tuned out.
SPEAKER_04It's three, four, three, two, one, and roll it.
SPEAKER_01Sunday, August what? My name is Kevin McKay. This is Taryn.
SPEAKER_04Hi.
SPEAKER_01You may know Taryn, who got fired from Cumulus Not DNA.
SPEAKER_04There is literally a difference in fired and laid off. The man that laid me off was more upset than I was. His voice was trembling. He was on the verge of tears. He was so upset. I've only known this man for 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_01Do you really think you're just laid off? They're gonna call you back anything else?
SPEAKER_04It doesn't like laid, but laid off is different. If it sounds better, it sounds better, and he told me, even though he's only known me for 10 minutes, I can use him as a reference if I want to go somewhere else. But I'm like, where else am I gonna go?
SPEAKER_01I'm calling about Taryn. Yes, I fired her.
SPEAKER_04Radio's like, it's everybody's laying off.
SPEAKER_01Thank you from the stalker Mark Studios. Yay! Baker House Productions Baker House Productions. Baker House Productions. This guy's amazing. He's got the coolest house, and we have no idea on technical things at all. At all. Okay, Mark.
SPEAKER_04We showed up with like the dumbest equipment, and Mark's like, I've got the rest of everything you need. Mark goes. You fucking retard.
SPEAKER_02First off, we showed up with two boxes of Amazon weird ass shit. And he was like magic. Hold on, I got a box to fix this.
SPEAKER_04That's Taylor also. She's new. This is Taylor. We're gonna learn all about Taylor today.
SPEAKER_01We're gonna learn all about Taylor. She's the smart one in the group. Just in a quick bio, my name is Kevin McKay. I'm the only one left at 99 Rock.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So when when when Stroke and Taryn um texted me that morning and said they got fired, I went, Well, I'm safe. That's immediately the first time.
SPEAKER_04Kevin's like, well, I've worked there for 50 years and I'm only 40 years old. So I'm safe. So I'm good.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Okay. Okay. And Taryn is lovely. Everyone knows Taryn. She's a waitress. She would love to get out of that because she sweats outside. If you've ever had a restaurant.
SPEAKER_04I work at an outdoor restaurant.
SPEAKER_01And if you ever had a female waitress who was dripping on you, that was probably Taryn.
SPEAKER_04Do you know who loves to eat at an outdoor restaurant? People that love to complain about the weather. Like they love to eat at an outdoor restaurant. And I'm like, okay. Well, thanks for coming. I'm glad you Googled the place.
SPEAKER_01And this is our friend Taylor, who has no radio experience, but is a microphone snob from get-go. We just ordered whatever microphones, and she goes, No, these will not do.
SPEAKER_02No. Listen, you guys gave me one task, and that's what I had to do. Deep dive.
SPEAKER_04And you failed at every corner. I failed so many times. And you've ordered like 17 microphones.
SPEAKER_02We have boxes of microphones that none of them actually work except the one Ador Dashed yesterday from Best Buy. Thank you, Best Buy, for having a chance.
SPEAKER_04Thank you, Best Buy, for delivering half of the products.
SPEAKER_02And there's no cord to even plug it in. So yes, I do love that. But no, I'm super excited to be here.
SPEAKER_01And here we sit here with three different microphones.
SPEAKER_04And you think yours is the best.
SPEAKER_01I have the Stalker Mark microphone, which is the best Baker House Productions microphone. I was given the best.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yes.
SPEAKER_01That makes me the best. I'm safe.
SPEAKER_04You just basically have to do it. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Pretty much he walked out and said, who wants the nice microphone and can be safe with it? And you're like, that's me.
SPEAKER_01Nice. And uh the dog who has not made any noise yet. That is Brody.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_01Down there.
SPEAKER_04Brody is a sweet baby.
SPEAKER_01So let's start with just uh before we start really just pounding Taylor with questions. Let's talk about the weekend a little bit. Taryn and I went to a funeral yesterday. We did. It was pouring rain.
SPEAKER_04And on the drive out, Taryn looks at me and says, Okay, it's pouring rain before we even say it's a funeral. It is a burial at sea. So there's an itinerary for this funeral. We are to get on a big boat. We are going out into the gulf. We are going to be spreading Julie's ashes. Rest in peace, Julie. We love her. And it is pouring rain. And on the way there, me and Kevin are like, oh, great. Perfect weather to get on a boat.
SPEAKER_01And oh, before on the way there, I was like that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And so we we pull into the parking garage.
SPEAKER_01First of all, we're supposed to be there by 6:15. And I go, No, I'll pick you up at 5.50.
SPEAKER_04Kevin goes, the itinerary said, gather at the restaurant from 6 to 620. And I text Kevin and I'm like, what time do you want to come over and we'll ride together? He goes, 5:50. Very loud. Oh, my anxiety flared as soon as I read that. No. I am the most on-time person I have ever met in my life. Being late is like one of my biggest things.
SPEAKER_01I was trying to set it up to miss the boat from day one.
SPEAKER_04And we get there. It's pouring rain. We go to park in the parking lot across the street. And I look at Kevin and I love these people. I love Julie. I love John. I love their sons. I look at Kevin and I'm like, so like, should we just tell them that we were like in an accident or something and we can't come? I immediately regretted that and felt terrible. And Kevin goes, I've got a picture to prove my car wrecked.
SPEAKER_01I'm like of an ex-car wreck.
SPEAKER_04I've got a no okay. Fuck me. I can't believe I even just said that out loud. Park in the goddamn parking lot. Let's go to this fucking funeral.
SPEAKER_01There was that second of we could blow this place.
SPEAKER_04It was you know, rain makes you do crazy things.
SPEAKER_01So we made it. We we parked in harbor docks.
SPEAKER_04We did, and then we go out on the boat and we're like, you know, it's like a big boat.
SPEAKER_01Wait, wait, wait. Let's back up. We met a couple at a table who I'd never met before.
SPEAKER_04Oh, oh.
SPEAKER_01And we are I say, Oh my god, so my friend Bill is trying to just.
SPEAKER_02You did not bring Bill today.
SPEAKER_04Did you really up? Oh my god. Strangers. We're two rangers. So Bill to be able to what you talk about. Totally to this random fucking.
SPEAKER_01We're talking. You're married. Oh, okay. I have a friend Bill.
SPEAKER_02And he's Bill is uh he always tries to justify who needs a sweatband, by the way.
SPEAKER_01Bill always tries to justify dating a girl. You can tell he's not into it, but he's trying to force it.
SPEAKER_02And I say But they're nasty vagina, right?
SPEAKER_01I go, he's just always trying to force it. Um and he really got turned off. Like he's trying to date her now, even though he got turned off the other day. I don't really want to tell you. And then Taryn says, Well, of course I'm gonna tell him.
SPEAKER_04She has an odor from her vagina.
SPEAKER_01From her period.
SPEAKER_04It really turns Bill off. And no, I sit from her vagina, and Kevin goes, She has an odor from her period.
SPEAKER_02Okay, no, no.
SPEAKER_04It was so bad, Bill had to roll down the window. And they're like looking at each other and they're looking at us, and they're like, oh, well, I guess we're boarding the boat.
SPEAKER_02Exactly what happened. Not only did Bill have to roll down the window because the vagina cell was so bad, he actually took her on a second date, which shocked the shit out of her. Oh no.
SPEAKER_04And after he wiped, he wiped out while we are on the boat. He texts Kevin and says, Well, you know, here's me justifying it. I told her she looks like a supermodel. And we know Bill.
SPEAKER_01Bill.
SPEAKER_04Billyum. Absolutely not. Stop lying to this guy.
SPEAKER_01As this couple we met is far away from us on the boat.
SPEAKER_04They want nothing to do with us.
SPEAKER_01Like, why would they bring that story up? Her period blood smelled. Anyway, I'm Kevin.
SPEAKER_02Who the fuck did I just talk to? Who are these people?
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, no. It gets better. We go on the boat and like it's a big boat. They do like commercial fishing off the boat. Usually, I'm assuming Johnny is like friends with his captain. So we walk on the boat, and immediately the smell of fish fucking slaps you. Hardcore. That's what reminds you of Bill.
SPEAKER_01Bill would love it.
SPEAKER_04Oh my God. I hate seafood. I hate fish. I think it's disgusting. But whatever. And okay, we'll get used to it. We're on a goddamn boat in the fucking golf, whatever. And there's like these like little beds over here. And I'm like, oh yeah, this is for us. And me and Kevin are just chilling. I mean, we're like there to show support, but I feel like everybody that's there is like it's up front, and we're not. Yeah. We're just like the misfits out of the streets.
SPEAKER_01This is so comfortable here.
SPEAKER_04Kevin wingmanned so hard and got me a phone number last night.
SPEAKER_01So all of a sudden, boat guy with a rain jacket and no shirt, and he's like one of these thin shredded. And I go, what's up?
SPEAKER_02Was she just flowering right there and there? No. No, she was playing it cool.
SPEAKER_01And I go, what's up? I'm Kevin. This is Terren. She's single.
SPEAKER_02Open mouth face. Like, no.
SPEAKER_01No, she played it cool.
SPEAKER_04Like cover my face. I was so embarrassed.
SPEAKER_01Yes. So I'm like, she's single. We're not together. I love telling people we're not together.
SPEAKER_04I actually love it.
SPEAKER_01Eloy, I'm gonna say fuck for you. Eloy wanted to hear me say fuck. He couldn't believe that. No, we're not fucking. That's my favorite thing to tell people.
SPEAKER_04Definitely. And you think we are all the time.
SPEAKER_01Well weird. Yeah, we we laugh, we hang out.
SPEAKER_04We're vesties.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Like brother sister. And somebody got jealous of that. And I wanted to throw up, and you said, Oh, thanks for throwing up. I don't think you should throw up. I don't want to throw up. Fucking me. And I'm like, well, she's going to be a little bit more.
SPEAKER_02I think you're a very clean.
SPEAKER_04Nobody showers more than you.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, hot fisherman with his no shirt on under a rain jacket that's open. And I'm like, okay, dude, what's up? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Kevin. She was just like the rain just opened down. She he would take off his rain jacket and be going wet. She was having fantasy right in her mind.
SPEAKER_04He literally laid it all out up front. He's like, Well, I have an ex-wife.
SPEAKER_01I have a seven-year-old kid.
SPEAKER_04I've got a seven-year-old kid. Okay, well, I expect people to have kids that are our age. I'm just, I'm just the only smart one.
SPEAKER_01Machine gun asking questions. I'm like, you're single. There's no psycho-ness. Do you see, do you live with your daughter? And he's like, it's shared sometimes. And I'm like, anything weird about you?
SPEAKER_04And he's like, he's like, I go to Costa Rica in the offseason. And we were all like, oh, what? And he was like, I have a place there. And we were like, perfect. You will not be here to annoy the fuck out of me.
SPEAKER_01I demand that he switches and gives phone numbers. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04We texted last night.
SPEAKER_01She goes, Vic texted me asking where I'm at. And she goes, I'm never out.
SPEAKER_04I'm not out. I'll meet you out. Okay, me and my like um like optimism. I'm like, Do you want to get a drink later? And he was like, Yeah, after I leave the gym, bitch, it is 9 p.m. What are you doing at the gym at 9 p.m.?
SPEAKER_00We're dead.
SPEAKER_04And yeah, and he goes, Where are you out at? And I said, I'm not actually out at all. I'm at home.
SPEAKER_01I'm watching a movie with that guy.
SPEAKER_04He said, Yes, I would have been out. Right. But now that I'm home, I actually don't want to leave. So I'm not, I'm not going in.
SPEAKER_02When the bra comes off, I'm I'm done.
SPEAKER_04I'm not saying I'm highway. What happened after that?
SPEAKER_01I never heard. Did you touch?
SPEAKER_04Well, we just like chatted a little bit. He's going uh to have a Vic dick pig. No, do you? No, he's really setting up a pig. The way he's texting, he's not very into it.
SPEAKER_01I feel like really?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_04Like he's texting. He wants to get a drink. Did he do this? When he comes back, we he wants to get a drink. He's in Alabama now because really, what is a drink? Is that just coming to your time?
SPEAKER_01He works seven days a week. Literally. He would come over, shower.
SPEAKER_04That's like my ideal.
SPEAKER_02That's my ideal man.
SPEAKER_04Are you like never around?
SPEAKER_02Are you okay with that? With a guy laying on top of you after being on a boat all day.
SPEAKER_04You have to shower. I'll bet you it lingers. I'll bet you it's in his hair. I'm not doing that. Oh, absolutely it lingers. Fucking and fish is fine. Vinegar, white vinegar can get rid of it.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. So you're gonna douse him with vinegar?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I'm not fucking a fish. So you're okay with vinegar? I'm not fucking a fish. I'm not doing that. You know, like a mermaid, like, oh, I want to fuck a mermaid.
SPEAKER_01Vic would be perfect for my friend Bill, who really is.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. They would be best friends.
SPEAKER_01Bill, she doesn't smell like period blood. This is Vic. He smells like fish.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. Are you not interested in going out with Bill?
SPEAKER_01No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But Bill thinks Taryn's very hot.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I can imagine.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's all I get from guys. Taryn, uh, what's up with Taryn? I go, what do you mean? What's up?
SPEAKER_04She is annoyed with men and she's very comfortable by herself. You hitting that is the first question that I could.
SPEAKER_02My favorite story is that she was standing behind, like from you saw her from behind, walked up to her and said, Oh my god, you're so hot. Oh, yeah. I was like Taryn.
SPEAKER_04And I went, Oh, you're Taryn. And when he saw it was me, he was so disappointed. She has the hottest legs. I've never seen it.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I thought you were gonna be a hot mom and it's you.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's you. That was probably okay.
SPEAKER_04Wait, back to the funeral, okay? All right. So you're we're waiting, me and Vic get each other's numbers. Whatever. Now it's time to spread Julie's ashes. Before the funeral, kept your mouth closed, right? Before the funeral even happened, I told Kevin, I said, I dare you to wear your swim trunks. And as soon as he spreads Julie's ashes, you jump in the water and like just try to collect them back in like a bottle that you can keep. Yeah, okay. Um, it turns out the spreading of ashes is not what either of us is. It's very different.
SPEAKER_01Modern spreading.
SPEAKER_04They basically put the ashes in a to-go box.
SPEAKER_01That's to-go box over it.
SPEAKER_04And Johnny just like it's like What do you mean?
SPEAKER_02I mean it looked like a to-go box. What? It wasn't. It was a box.
SPEAKER_01Just because it said Chick-fil-A on it.
SPEAKER_02What? Okay, wait a minute. Y'all did not share it.
SPEAKER_00No, it's a box.
SPEAKER_02It was a box. She said to-go box.
SPEAKER_04So we all threw flowers in the water. And then Johnny, Jake, and um Jonathan, they said their things. And then Johnny just like dropped a box in the water. And me and Kevin both looked at each other and we were like, oh, what? Is that how it's that's what? That's how you do it now. And somebody next to us goes, It's a biodegradable box. That's how they do it now. The ashes are in the box, and they just drop it in like the box. And we're like, oh. Not like we were expecting them to open the bag and spread some of our faces. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we're like linking our lips, and it's like I love you, Julie. I think it's part of the advice to her. I was like, make sure your mouth is closed. Well, that's what she wanted.
SPEAKER_04That's what Julie wanted. This is the barrel she wanted. Wait, no, that's not funny. I just immediately thought of fast forward to the freaking restaurant. We get back to the restaurant. And it's like a buffet style. There's fried fish, fried chicken. Um, there's some coleslaws and mashed potatoes. First of all, Kevin, Kevin's favorite, and then like up front, there's a TV with like a slideshow of pictures of Julie. By the way, Julie was hot as fuck. Like, she was a fucking haughty. And so we're watching the Kevin got a boner. We're all watching the back show. And we see the people come out with the food. And Kevin goes, So is it can is it too soon to start on the buffet? Can I can I go now? And I'm and nobody's at the buffet at all. And I'm like, I don't know. You want to wait a minute? He's like, but like nobody's there. I can I can easily go and get my food.
SPEAKER_02Like, okay, go get your fucking food. I can always Terry's always there for the food, let's be honest.
SPEAKER_01Like, she's gonna be they are up there slideshowing and talking, and I'm serving.
SPEAKER_04This motherfucker made seven goddamn trips to the buffet. What, Kevin?
SPEAKER_02You are a liar on your story then. She's calling your ass out.
SPEAKER_04Nobody went to the buffet more than Kevin.
SPEAKER_01Tara would look and go, you're going again?
SPEAKER_02He is so red right now. These are chicken tenders.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you can eat a lot of those.
SPEAKER_04Also, the fried fish next to the fried chicken, and there's no signs. You don't know what's what. I'm like, is this one chicken or fish? And nobody wants, I don't know. And I'm like, well, bite it and see. I don't want to bite it and find out it's fish. I don't like fish. I don't want that's like sweet tea. Except for that guy. I hate sweet tea.
SPEAKER_00Except for Vic.
SPEAKER_02Fuck both the view. That fish all day long.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna have fish. I'm going back on the fish.
SPEAKER_02I'm going to Vic. Vic, call me. My name is Taryn.
SPEAKER_01I'll and then here's another thing before I go back and pound the buffet while the slideshow is going is uh we're on the boat. I'm kind of inside the boat. I don't know Johnny's at the very head of the boat speaking, with holding the ashes. And I walk out and go to Taryn. Did you see Vic's dong yet? And she looks at me like, will you shut up?
SPEAKER_04They are remembering Julie Ryan.
SPEAKER_01And I look over and he's teary-eyed, holding it, and I'm like, oh.
SPEAKER_04I'm sorry. The fucking worst.
SPEAKER_01And she'd look at me and start laughing, going, don't look at me.
SPEAKER_04Never invited to another funeral.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh, you guys are always gonna be invited now. Oh, also.
SPEAKER_01Did you see Vic's dong? Uh, we're celebrating Julie right now.
SPEAKER_02But I'm thinking about it.
SPEAKER_01She was.
SPEAKER_02And how I'm gonna get through the fish smell because you know damn well I love to see a good dog.
SPEAKER_04Uh hello, Bath and Body Works. I think you're a strongest goddamn scent for a man.
SPEAKER_02I need to I needed to get rid of fish. You know, Bath and Body Works is gonna get through a fish smell. You know damn well you'll just eat right through it as long as it's big and long enough for you.
SPEAKER_01Tomato sauce and paint for this.
SPEAKER_02Listen, if that could get away the stuff, so Kevin's coming right back to his northern ways. Let's just listen tomato sauce on it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, we got another Vic Vic special.
SPEAKER_04This is the Vic aisle. It's all odor-free shit. What are you gonna have in your bathroom? Oh my god. He walks into my shower and he's like, why do you have bathtub tomato sauce?
SPEAKER_02I love tomatoes. Your backyard has the best hose. So you know damn well you'll say, Here's your routine before you can walk in my house. Yeah. Use this soap and use the hose. And then we might be able to talk about getting your dick sucked. Yeah. You know. But you have to pass the test first.
SPEAKER_01Getting your Vic sucked. So we're at Home Depot and it says I'll say shower heads, bathing, dating Vic.
unknownOh my God.
SPEAKER_04Stop. I have to fishy, fishy, fishy.
SPEAKER_01By the way, Vic is a stud. So we're just gonna be able to do that.
SPEAKER_02By the way, I hope Vic is not listening to it.
SPEAKER_01I hope you are. You're a stud, Vic. You're a stud. This is an advertisement for Vic. I mean Do we know the charter boat? Do we know the boat?
SPEAKER_04Oh, yes, she does. Yeah, I do.
SPEAKER_01She knows it very well.
SPEAKER_04It's American Spirit.
SPEAKER_01American Spirit.
SPEAKER_04Destin Harbor. Book your all your fishing needs there.
SPEAKER_01She just walks out shirtless with just the raincoat.
SPEAKER_04Literally shirtless and his six pack. And I'm like, oh my dream. I'm not supposed to jill off to that later. I took care of it.
SPEAKER_01She wouldn't have. I took care of it.
SPEAKER_04Oh, so did you pull out the rose last night? Uh no, actually, no. Kevin came over after the funeral. We watched a movie. I killed her sexual vibe. He forgot to throw away this cockroach that was dead in my bathroom. That really fucking pissed me off. And I saw it this morning and was even more pissed off.
SPEAKER_02Listen, we did a birthday weekend with her, and she decided that we were gonna go to the I did not bring the rose, but Liar.
SPEAKER_01Share it.
SPEAKER_04Tiffany came in town. That's what I said. What are you gonna do with that? I go, hey, will you look in my bag? Make sure the rose charger. She's like, okay. And I said, make sure I got my rose. And she looked at me like, bitch. So every night she was in the shower for a long time. Fucking rose. What are you doing in the shower off in front of y'all?
SPEAKER_01For anyone listening,
The Rose Effect
SPEAKER_01and for guys, the rose is apparently the shit. I used to say the rabbit and the rose is where it's at. Like it, like it, it might ruin it for us men.
SPEAKER_04Some guys love it and some guys hate it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's competition. Some guys are like, I'd like it, but I don't want it to be better.
SPEAKER_04Oh no, it's better. It's an add-on.
SPEAKER_01See, I like your answer better. Yes, it's. Taryn goes, oh, it's better than it's an add-on.
SPEAKER_04It's better than your tongue. So you could do this, but it's fucking to use while you're fucking too. Oh, totally. So like an add-on.
SPEAKER_01Can I sneak the rose in my mouth and go down on someone?
SPEAKER_02How big it open your mouth. How big it?
SPEAKER_01You have to, it's like my fit in there. It's like the rose. It's like having the rose with Kevin.
SPEAKER_04Now you're gonna go. Why is Kevin doing Morris code with his tongue? I don't understand. You're supposed to do the issue.
SPEAKER_01Hey, baby, it's my technique. What is that? No, you hear oh wow, I don't like it. I don't like the biggest thing. So the rose is it's good, but I don't want it to overtake the world. I'd rather AI take over before the rose.
SPEAKER_04The first time I got one was years ago. My best friend ordered me one, and I and I just see this tiny box on the counter, and I'm like, what is that? And she goes, It's your birthday present and or Christmas present. Okay. And I opened it and I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's the best vibrator ever. And I'm like looking at it like it does not look like it's not. She said, Whatever you do, don't use it in the shower. And I was like, why? Is it waterproof? It's waterproof, but you're gonna fall and break your neck. And I was like, okay, highly doubtful. But I use it for the first time, and I texted her immediately, and I was like, oh my god, I have to change my sheets. There's a mess. Like, you're right.
SPEAKER_02Don't use it in the shower. It's crazy. And Taylor has a friend that's listen. My friend said the same thing. So she had never had a true orgasm. So for her birthday, how old is she? She's 40, too. Yeah, a 40-year-old without a true orgasm is sad. I don't know. Maybe she had like a sure orgasm, right? You know orgasm. Suregasm.
SPEAKER_01The saddest words are when you're saying I think I had one.
SPEAKER_02Think. So you never really have. So she's a little prudish, which is fine. We can all be a little more vanilla. Yeah. That's okay. How we're raised. But we took her to a sex store for her birthday. So we married this met this magic woman. She was so well versed on fucking all these toys. And she was like sitting here telling what this does, was that. She goes, but tell me honestly, what is like, what are you looking for? So we straight up told her, we don't think she's had like a true orgasm. We want to find a toy that fucking is gonna be comfortable to use. She goes, Oh, then this is it. And she pushes this beautiful box that's like wrapped in plastic and it's square, it looks expensive, and it's a rose. And she's like, She needs this. And I said, Okay, so we bought it for her. This bitch left this damn box in the back of her van for like two months. And then all of a sudden, she sighed, I didn't she walks into work and sits down next to me and goes, Oh my god, I finally opened up that rose. And it I had to change the sheets. Yeah, I don't know what happened. That first time I feel so you're very, you're very charged. She was like, I feel so good. You need to change the sheets. So then she just kept going, can I sleep with that on? And I was like, no, you're gonna destroy your clitoris. Like, do not do that. She's like, but I just want to recreate the first time. I was like, that never happens. Because obviously you never had a real orgasm. Yeah. But I am so happy for you, bitch. So roses for everybody. Everybody needs a rose. Get a rose, get a rose. We are not sponsored by rose.
SPEAKER_01I want to know how many she can have. Ask her that. Say how many if you do keep going? How many can you have?
SPEAKER_04That's true. Oh, I'm on my second rose right now.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no, no. How many orgasms can she have?
SPEAKER_04Like, oh, I have so many in a row. So it depends.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the rose. Oh, I probably have like four. You could totally.
SPEAKER_03How about you?
SPEAKER_02So for me, maybe two, but I will say a lot going on that day.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03It was an all-day day.
SPEAKER_04No, it was not an all day. It was like I it was a one-session lay in the bed. Ha, take a breather. Oh. Oh my god, you're hurt. It was lay like a hit workout, you know? You take like a hit workout. You take 15 seconds and then you fucking go again. And then 15-second breather. Okay.
SPEAKER_02And then go again. I'm like there was nothing like having an orgasm on your own terms.
SPEAKER_04What do I tell my mom I don't want her to listen to this?
SPEAKER_01Oh, Colette, my mom is, you know, some asshole is gonna tell them.
SPEAKER_02Colette wants to know all about podcasting, though.
SPEAKER_01I'll say that wasn't me.
SPEAKER_04Tara made me do it. Oh my god. You're like, Kevin's gonna say, I just stop.
SPEAKER_01I don't even want to think of this.
SPEAKER_04Kevin goes, Colette, they wrote me a script. I just read it. I did it. Those were not my actual thoughts.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, are we done with the funeral talk? Okay, so we in the funeral anymore. We decided it was okay to leave by 9:30 finally. Yeah. I had my final fish and chicken. And cake.
SPEAKER_02No steak.
SPEAKER_01Even though you should have just asked them for the steak. I blew my carnivore diet last year.
SPEAKER_04My favorite part of the cake is the icing.
SPEAKER_01I love the icing.
SPEAKER_02Do you like whipped or what I like it all?
SPEAKER_01What is the other icing? I get the corner for the case.
SPEAKER_02The other one I don't like with the cake.
SPEAKER_01I go corner that has it all, the corner.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you like to give it a oh, you like all the frosting.
SPEAKER_01She gives me the dry cake part.
SPEAKER_04The cake part. That's my favorite part. And he's pissed.
SPEAKER_01I'm mad. I like the cake.
SPEAKER_04Why are you giving me the worst part of the cake? She probably gave Vic the icing.
SPEAKER_01I'll be back. I'm bringing the good part to Vic. Oh, my goodness. Vic's like, I can't.
SPEAKER_04He needs to I can't. My abs. Do you see me? Do you see my abs? No, from icing.
SPEAKER_01Alright, so we're done with the funeral. We left the funeral. One, two, one, two. How's that? I'm not fiting, I don't think. Is that okay? Okay. I'll just hold it like a dainty.
SPEAKER_04Hold it dainty. Like a day.
SPEAKER_01So, so also at the funeral?
SPEAKER_04Uh we done? I think we we're done with the funeral. We left. Before the funeral, also, me and Taylor looked up mythical creature dildos. Do you know that exists?
SPEAKER_01Yes, you told me that.
SPEAKER_02Yes, he's got a few. We could say that for another time, though, if we wanted to. Okay. That's a whole nother stuff.
SPEAKER_01Guys are screwed. I mean, we better get women sex robots going clearly. Listen, because these are.
SPEAKER_02That was the most unusual website I've ever seen in my life. Well, I feel like guys in 2026, they're like they like that role playing. I think that's all coming out, which is No, they're useless when I with the ones I date are useless. Apparently. They don't do anything.
SPEAKER_01A difference of opinion here.
SPEAKER_04Holy shit. I just screamed. They like that role playing.
SPEAKER_01No, they're useless.
SPEAKER_04No, they just, it's not like sexual. Like, it's do you know what's hot? Be useful.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_04Do something. I don't need just an orgasm all the fucking time. Take the goddamn trash out. Yeah, I've heard women say You can do anything.
SPEAKER_01Her love language is uh what is that? Services? Services.
SPEAKER_02Like little choice. Her love language is talking about. Doctors are lazy. Tasks. She likes small tasks.
SPEAKER_01Small tasks, yes.
SPEAKER_04The theme of 2026 and dating is men are lazy and bitches are crazy.
SPEAKER_01Okay. That's true. Yeah. Yes.
SPEAKER_02James and his court thing.
SPEAKER_01I know, yeah.
SPEAKER_02We're not going down, James. Not today. All right. So we left the funeral.
SPEAKER_01We've talked about adult toys. Now we're gonna get to know Taylor.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Oh God. You're smart. I am not. You are. Taylor's very smart.
SPEAKER_01Have you ever had your IQ? Your IQ?
SPEAKER_02Oh God, I have no idea what my IQ is. That would be a good what is your IQ?
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, I'll do an IQ test.
SPEAKER_01That would be really fun.
SPEAKER_02I would really love Taylor.
SPEAKER_04Let's see who is the smartest out of all. Because I've never done that. Because I would be shocked if you can we see you as the biggest penis.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that was. I'm like, damn it, it's Taryn. Because we don't have to do it. Taryn won. I absolutely win. Hands down.
SPEAKER_01So Taylor is spelled T-A-L-O-R, and that is a weird parent.
SPEAKER_02So it really is supposed to be the female version of Taylor. So I was born in the 80s, so my mother came from the 70s. But if you look at a book that is supposed to be the female version.
SPEAKER_04My mom was I really could care.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we're getting to know Taylor now. Okay.
SPEAKER_02So I could care less about how it's spelled.
SPEAKER_01She works for a guy who people put stuff up their butt. What is it? You don't know.
SPEAKER_02Everyone does. So I've been a nurse for like 16 years. Right. Whatever. So, and I obviously have no filter.
SPEAKER_01I love that about you.
SPEAKER_02I know. It's a problem. People either love me or hate me. No lukey. I'm like in this balance. And I really have gone to that point in my life where I don't fucking give a shit. That's right. Yeah. I'm just gonna say what I have. It's a while to get there, but it feels good once you're there. It feels so good. So I do.
SPEAKER_01Or not marriage.
SPEAKER_02Several. Baby daddy.
SPEAKER_01Baby daddy, several.
SPEAKER_02So I do have two kids. I have a 22-year-old, definitely not a virgin, and a six-year-old. And my first daughter is from a first marriage. And it was like I've been through it. I've not had an easy life. I'm the oldest of like six and kind of raised like a couple of my subs, which is you got beat down by your parents, and then they got easier on the other. You know what? I don't really care. This is just life. We're rolling through it. Like I've been that soul that's just like she's like give it to you. Whatever. Like, I'm gonna make the best of what I can, and it is what it is. So I do love that. But because of that, I've become that person that just has no filter.
SPEAKER_01And she's married now.
SPEAKER_02I am marrying. Okay. Um, military guy, he's retired, so we travel around. I have some really good friends. But you love to travel without him a lot of the time, too. I love to be away from him. Bitch. Now that he's retired, listen. Vacation time. Can I go alone? This is why military, if you are able to be a military wife and be uh okay with them being gone, it is glorious. But there's a lot of women that can't deal with it. Probably. My I love steamed rice. Does that count? No, I don't know. She's also white as fucks.
SPEAKER_01I am so that's that's the Asian guy.
SPEAKER_02I'm saying, yeah. So I love that go the fuck out away, and I will be okay by myself. Like I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_01That's my problem with marriage is too much. It's all the time on top of each other. I cannot do it.
SPEAKER_02Get the fuck away. I will actually buy my husband a plane ticket to go home, and I'm like, go let your mama take care of you because I need a break from you. It's time for you to leave, especially since he's retired, because it's like it's too much. It's like having a toddler. Right. And then he's not working right now, so it's even worse. Like, what do I do? What is A D at A D H D as the fuck?
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02Like, he's worse than Taryn. A D H D A. No way. Oh my god. He's worse than Taryn.
SPEAKER_01There's no one worse than Taryn.
SPEAKER_04He is literally constantly working on stuff. Wow. I work on stuff inside my house. He's always working on stuff outside of the house.
SPEAKER_02It's like all the things. And I love it. Don't get me wrong, things are getting done, half done. Like we're starting it. And it's starting to look really good. But are we gonna like finish it at some point? Who's a big thing? Does he lose focus and moves on to something else? Hell yeah, because he gets bored with that. And he's like, let's do something else. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to work now because I work a regular job Monday through Friday. I'm usually there at 7:30 and I don't get off till like 4:35. So when I come home, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna find. I will tell y'all that right now. Maybe there'll be dinner. Maybe chop the thumb off. Maybe I heard that story. We will find a new project. Like one time I came home and there was this beautiful pathway that was made, and I was like, oh, this looks good. And then one time there's dinner. There's other times we're sitting there in a corner, like having pouty time. And I'm just like, I'm just here.
SPEAKER_04Like, hi,
Frankenstein Thumb Story
SPEAKER_04I'm home from work. No, tell them about when Chris cut his thumb off. Oh, really? Yeah. You want to go down that road? Yes. Because there's like three souls going all at once. So why?
SPEAKER_01All the time.
SPEAKER_02Why are there three? Is this the roads? Can I keep it on all night? Okay, so it is a crazy story. So we had gone to Vegas, right, for his birthday to see uh Seinfeld. Or what's his name? Jerry. Jerry. It was so good. It was like literally Jerry doesn't. Jerry. So it was so worth the trip, but the whole time he was like in a bad mood and everything was terrible. And then we get home and we're still kind of like ugly to each. You know, when you're with somebody, you're just tired of each other. Like, I need some space.
SPEAKER_01We're kind of ugly to each other still.
SPEAKER_02No, not little.
SPEAKER_01Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_02So I'm out there just trying to plant some plants after we've just been at the beach all day, right? Drinking. This bitch decides to bring out all three saws. So we have like minor saw, we have like a table saw, we have like a scroll saw. Like there's every saw in the fucking yard. I'm digging these plants. And he walks up to me and says, Taylor, oh my God, my finger. And I'm like, what about your finger? Oh, oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. My thumb. My thumb is gone. And I'm like, what do you mean your thumb is gone? My thumb is gone. And I was like, okay, well, let's go inside and we'll get you a towel. You're so tall. What a nurse. Hold the thumb. And then he looks at me in the kitchen and I grab a plastic bag and start filling with ice. And I'm like, what thumb? He's like, it's just a little piece. You're gonna have to go out there and get it. I'm like, okay. And so then she's a nurse, because I would have go find your own thumb. Bitch, I'm telling you, there's times where you think that you can't handle it, but you can just smell your mode. And you're just like, there's the mode in your body that makes you just do something.
SPEAKER_01The nervous breakdown comes later.
SPEAKER_02Yes. So I walk outside and I'm just looking, what the fuck am I looking at? There's all these saws. Like, what saw was he even using? Then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, there's this blood shooting up the tree. Maybe I should follow that. And I'm like, oh, and I look down.
SPEAKER_01She's like Rambo in the round.
SPEAKER_02And I'm like, oh shit. That's not just part of a thumb. That's a whole fucking thumb. I don't even know what I did. I just pulled down, picked up the thumb, threw it in the bag. And then I literally attached to it. Oh my god. So then I'm like, oh, you're gonna have to get in the car. We're going to the hospital. Oh, we're gonna go to urgent care. No, motherfucker, dumbass. We're not going to urgent care. You just stalled off your thumb.
SPEAKER_01You don't need Tampa for you.
SPEAKER_02So this poor old guy, like a little child, walks outside, gets in his my car, and I'm like, my car's in the garage. Your truck is parked behind it. We're gonna have to take your truck because I can't get behind your truck. I pull out in the truck with this fucking thumb in a baggie with ice, yell at Kendall, bitch, get in the car right now. We gotta leave. We gotta go to the ER. And then I'm like, okay, do I go to Air Force like base or do I go to the ER? And I was like, let's just go to the military base. This is when we're having all those crazy storms. So all these crazy storms are pocket like coming in and lightning striking and all these things. Listen, we get to the Air Force base, and then these dumbass airmen are just cocking off with their dicks in their hands. And I'm like, I got this guy who's got cannot even get his blood taken and his thumb in a fucking bag, and these cocksuckers are with their dicks in their hands. So I lean out and they're like, oh, this dumb military wife. And then I get closer and they're smiling at me, and I hand the little bag a thumb. With a thumb in it. And I said, My husband just chopped off his thumb. We needed to get to the ER. They panicked. You should have seen these little guys. They were like ants and were like made everyone move to the side. We get to the fucking ER. He starts to bagel out, passes out. His blood pressure was super alert. Yeah, he's passing out. Chris is passing out. And I was cool, and I was like, had a fight with the nurse. I'm like, just take him back. Take him back. They decide to put his thumb in one of those water pitchers. Have you ever seen that the hospital? That's like the maroon colored, right?
SPEAKER_01Oh, I do know, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the plastic ones. So that and then the doctor said, Don't forget to leave with this after you called around and found out the hospital. So it took a while for them to find a doctor.
SPEAKER_04Oh. The doctor there called doctors all over from Texas up to Atlanta to South Florida. You would take him in this one doctor in Atlanta who's like 38 years old. Yes, she was a baby. I'll do it. It was like on a Sunday round. Yes, it was a Sunday. Because it was a fucking Sunday. And then nobody gives me a fuck. They're like, it's Sunday fun day.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. All the doctors. Yeah, they're like, I'm getting a blow job. I'm here with my I'm getting like promises.
SPEAKER_01Would that have been the same if you went to Fort Walton Medical?
SPEAKER_02No, that was the thing. The Fort Walton Beach person wouldn't take him at all. Oh, okay. So you have to have a special doctor because it's a neurolike vascular doctor because they had to put together the nerves, they had to put together the veins and the bone and the tendons, all of it. Is it stopping bleeding special? Oh, yeah, totally. It stopped bleeding. When we got to the ER, the ER doctor did his best, found somebody in Atlanta to take his this 38 doctor, but then couldn't find somebody to fly him out. So not even the Coast Guard, nobody because of the storms. So they took him by ambulance. So to Atlanta, Grady Hospital. Grady Hospital, they end up freaking giving him the most drugs. He was super happy and took his fucking thumb in that little picture. Do you know they had to stop for gas, right? But forgot to refill the goddamn ice in that water picture.
SPEAKER_04Their one instruction was keep the thumb on ice. Don't let the ice melt.
SPEAKER_01And they did.
SPEAKER_04And they get there, and this thumb is floating out. Warm water. It's all soggy.
SPEAKER_01They should have gone to the soda ice dispensary.
SPEAKER_02So then the doctor called me when I'm on my way to the hospital and was like, Well, we were concerned what took y'all so long to get here. And then the thumb was warm. I'm like, what do you mean it's warm? Well, it came in that water pitcher and it wasn't warm. I was like, And it was like wet. So, like, what do you mean? She's like, Oh, yeah, there was no ice in it. I was like, so what does that mean? Is it gonna make it? She's like, oh, it's still a 50-50 chance. And I'm like, okay, great. Like, what are you guys going to do now?
SPEAKER_04There's two FDA certified leech farms in the entire for the blood.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So one is in the UK, one is in the U.S.
SPEAKER_02No, the biggest one is in the UK. So there's no, that's the really only one, really. So she actually uses leeches to help with all of her surgeries and to pull the blood. So she overnighted leeches from this UK farm.
SPEAKER_01Overnight leeches.
SPEAKER_02And I was like, how much does this cost? I want to see the pill. I was like, can I go downstairs and see y'all's pharmacy? Because they said they have maggots too that they use for like wound care. And I'm like, this is fucking cool. I want to work here. Even their toilets, like in the ICU, you pull it out of a cabinet.
SPEAKER_01Filling out applications. Stalker. Oh, fair. Baker house. He's saying wrap it up.
SPEAKER_02Stalker mark is like, okay, I'm not going to be able to do it. Look at it.
SPEAKER_01Did they attach the thumb?
SPEAKER_02His thumb is there. Isn't really usable? But yeah, it's pretty.
SPEAKER_01So it got on and it's shorter. He showed me it's shorter. Shorter, yes.
SPEAKER_02You did see it right. What a night.
SPEAKER_01And that you just got back from Vegas after that was like that night? Like you literally. Yeah. It was a great time.
SPEAKER_04It was a couple days. And then your retard husband cut his fucking thumb off.
SPEAKER_01All right. Great. So she's still married.
SPEAKER_04Hey, can't believe we've missed out on marriage. We move on.
SPEAKER_01I know. I'm so bummed about no kids and no marriage.
SPEAKER_02I know.
SPEAKER_01I see these children now, and I wish I could have them.
SPEAKER_02No, you don't. I have a my daughter's gonna be 23.
SPEAKER_04Spoiled and shitty and ungrateful children are now, and I'm just goddamn, I'm still. I could have spent all my money on that. I don't have that thing sucking up the oxygen in my house. Well, it's okay.
SPEAKER_02My daughter told me, like, are you sure you want to be a grandma? Because I don't think I want to. I'm like, I'm totally fine with that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. You're like, please don't.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's better than are you sure you want to be a grandma? Good. I just got knocked up.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so two daughters. Very different from each other.
SPEAKER_02Oh, one is a big one.
SPEAKER_01One is with your current husband, one's with baby daddy, first guy.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um, I did meet them. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
SPEAKER_02Oh, God, 15.
SPEAKER_0115? Yeah, I was young. We were old. So that's why we had put my own. I was 19, yeah.
SPEAKER_04I was almost 20.
SPEAKER_02You guys are so 15. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And what was that story?
SPEAKER_02Oh, God. I think it was the pressure. Actually, no. Maybe it was the rate. I was 16. Because all my other friends were doing it. So I thought, oh, I had to do it.
SPEAKER_04Oh no, my whore friends lost their virginity when they were like 13. Wow. And they they taught me what sex was pretty much. But Mark was 16.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think I was 16. So I think it was right after my.
SPEAKER_01You were just dating a guy and just said, go for it?
SPEAKER_02No, I was dating a guy for a long time.
SPEAKER_01And he wanted to, he was dying too.
SPEAKER_02So I thought, like, this is the guy. This is love. Yes. This is love. We're young, we're first time? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Condom. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01And who he put it on?
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. What was I supposed to say? At that age, I'm like.
SPEAKER_01You were scared and you just said, go for it, and you laid there.
SPEAKER_02Well, of course. I think most of the time you don't really know. Back then we didn't have porn.
SPEAKER_01So it hurt.
SPEAKER_02Except.
SPEAKER_01It hurt.
SPEAKER_02Except we had. Oh my God, the little wiener. Why are we going down this?
SPEAKER_01How big was he? You don't even remember.
SPEAKER_02Do you remember the first time you had a hand job?
SPEAKER_01Yes, I absolutely didn't.
SPEAKER_02Okay, where were you? Hey, no, this is about.
SPEAKER_01We can ask Kevin questions on another episode. But Taylor, all right, so then he just did it and it was fine. It hurt. It was great. It was like three minutes. You didn't organize it. I didn't even know. And then just who does?
SPEAKER_02Nobody organized it. At that first time. No. You don't even know what you're doing. Yeah. Like no one does.
SPEAKER_01Was it his first time?
SPEAKER_02But that I sure wasn't his first time.
SPEAKER_01And he was 30 and it was his first time.
SPEAKER_02It was not 30, you dumbass. Don't be stupid.
SPEAKER_01Alright. He was your age.
SPEAKER_02He was your age? He was 30. He was my age. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then you dated after that.
SPEAKER_02Yes, of course.
SPEAKER_01Had sex, but whatever. Didn't really. One time and that was it.
SPEAKER_02Then I was like, this isn't for me. It was literally 30. I would say it was like 30 seconds. And I was like, I don't want to do that.
SPEAKER_01Look, I'd like to keep dating, but sex is not a good idea.
SPEAKER_02I was kind of approved. But at that age, you're just like, I don't want to do this.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02Get it off me.
SPEAKER_01So you waited a while.
SPEAKER_02I'd like to keep dating.
SPEAKER_01So you demergized, but then you waited until you were. I guess so, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What's your best sex story? And I'm sure you can say you have to say my current husband. Besides Chris, what is your best sex story?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. What is it?
SPEAKER_01What comes to mind? Who comes to mind? Besides. Besides the road.
SPEAKER_02Seriously, my husband, though. I'm not gonna lie. Like, my favorite, it was him and I went to go visit his like parents. I don't like this. And we were in South Texas. I don't like this story because I know your husband. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01Wait, wait, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_04I don't want to picture my friend fucking her.
SPEAKER_02But it was like we left H E B and everybody like it. So in South. But in South Texas, I'm a white girl. Do you know how many Mexicans try to come attack? I am in South Texas.
SPEAKER_01My stock is up.
SPEAKER_02Bitch. He was so horny. I'm a goddamn pride. He was so horny for that afterwards. We pulled over in this vacant fucking story. I like it. In his dad's truck and had a good one in some random parking lot. I tell every guy.
SPEAKER_01We used to talk about that. Stalker Mark. You need guys need that. They love that.
SPEAKER_04That random pull pull over. No, listen.
SPEAKER_01The before that they were freaking boner city.
SPEAKER_04The getting the fucking colour.
SPEAKER_02We electric shopping out of cheap little stuff.
SPEAKER_01And guys wanting your woman.
SPEAKER_02Yes. He was, I'm telling you, his dick was the hardest from that.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02Because it's all he suspicious.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god. Okay. Her husband. But it was a good experience. I'm hard for her husband is white as fuck. Yes, he is. Okay. But he's Mexican. So he helped me go pick something up that I found on Facebook Marketplace because I am known for going to Facebook Marketplace meetups by myself, which apparently is dangerous. Whatever. And um, and so Chris goes with me to pick up this bike. It was a bike for my triathlon. Like I found this bike online. It was a nice truck.
SPEAKER_02He still wants that dog, by the way.
SPEAKER_04For my triathlons. And then afterwards, I'm like, okay, let's go to lunch. You know, I'll buy you lunch. And then we go to this Mexican restaurant and we're sitting at the bar, and it's really dead in there, and we're sitting at the bar, and I'm like, oh, looking at the menu stale. And then I just hear him just going off in Spanish. And I'm I looked at him like, what?
SPEAKER_01Am I being trafficked?
SPEAKER_02Listen, he did that to me too because I thought he was a white guy. I know. I know why.
SPEAKER_03I thought he was a white guy.
SPEAKER_04I go I would have never dated him. I said, What did you just say to him? I would have never dated him. What did you just say to them? And he goes, Oh, I just told them, you know, we want a small cheese tip and I'll have this beer and you'll have this, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, how did you know to say that?
SPEAKER_01I understood poor Favor.
SPEAKER_04He goes, I'm Mexican. And I looked at it.
SPEAKER_01This is my second language, English.
SPEAKER_04I looked at him and I'm like, but you're white. And he was like, but you can, I'm Mexican, man. You can be white and be Mexican. And I'm like, I don't think no, you can't. I don't think that's right.
SPEAKER_01I think that's I You just learned Spanish in school.
SPEAKER_04He's like, I grew up on the Mexican border. I grew up in the barrio, bitch.
SPEAKER_02Literally. We grew up in Mexico. It is like on the border. I'm like, what? His parents have bars on their windows. Mafia comes over across the border and do their thing. So do the mafia thing? Yes. And then they open Alvin's Islands. And so then they would just come over there and shoot people and then run back to Mexico. And I was like, how do you live like this? So when I go to their house, I'm like, I cannot stay in this house. How am I gonna get out? And they're I'm like, there's no way to get out. And they're like, Well, we can't let the mafia in. And I was like, I can't deal with that.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'm right then you were like, I do, I'd love to marry you.
SPEAKER_04And here I am. I go to sleep with my foot, my back door is on the house.
SPEAKER_02This like white girl that's like Southern Belle, like from Florida. Like, I'm like, what are you even doing here?
SPEAKER_01It says hola and grassy ass.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, we're totally opposites, like 100%. He was not my type. Picked him up, like, and he stalked me for months before I even agreed to.
SPEAKER_04That's romantic.
SPEAKER_02That's not alarming at all. No, he would walk me to my car, and then he finally was just like, and my friends were like, just go on a date with him. I was like, he's not my type. And then they were like, you need your cobwebs cleaned out. And he laid it down really well.
SPEAKER_01Oh, and then it just kept going.
SPEAKER_04I feel like I'm listening to mom and dad talk about fucking.
SPEAKER_01How long did you date before he proposed?
SPEAKER_02Oh god, years.
SPEAKER_01Okay, years. All right.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, and he proposed in English, Taryn, not Spanish.
SPEAKER_02In English, he proposed in Spanish, and you're just like, see, all I know is the bad words. So Pute Madre. And then like uh Pinche Way is stupid dude.
SPEAKER_01Taylor is awesome. I'm like, you're white. I don't know that. Did we have a worst sex story? Did you say that? Worst? Was that the first 15-year-old?
SPEAKER_02Wow, probably.
SPEAKER_01Probably the worst was him. Had you ever had, you know, micro penis or a very bad never.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm still like visual.
SPEAKER_01Because I know Taryn has. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02Taryn is a pro. Well, I've got to be a little bit more. We have a whole episode on all the micro penis in Terranis.
SPEAKER_01Where did you see it for where?
SPEAKER_02Like what do my job? Oh. We couldn't find it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And then we were all looking like, where is it? It was cut off with a song. And I was like, where are we doing? In the hair, where is it? What are we doing? But he was so big. And then this one nurse walked in and she just pushed down in his groin area.
SPEAKER_01And the plit popped out. Wow.
SPEAKER_02There was a little dick.
SPEAKER_01And I was like, oh that is so sad.
SPEAKER_04My competence is actually. Where did that come from? That is so small. I was like, it's not you have a small dick. It's actually called micropenis like syndrome.
SPEAKER_02It was like sucked into his ball sad.
SPEAKER_01That's so sad.
SPEAKER_02But I mean, he had like four children.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And his wife was sending him like, I wanted to ask her all the questions. Like, how do you all have sex?
SPEAKER_01Can we book her on the podcast?
SPEAKER_02Like, I there's no way she's had an orgasm. I wanted to give her a rose right then and there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Like she's.
SPEAKER_01Maybe he's good orally. You don't know.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01Well, don't say no. You don't know. There's no way. Yes, he is. I know he's. He looked lazy. I know it.
SPEAKER_04If you have a microphone, you are good at eating the cow. You have to eat it. 100%. You think so? 100%. Don't you deny it? If you have a tiny wiener strong feet, you know you've got a tiny wiener, and you have to make up for it by good conolingus.
SPEAKER_01I like that her worst sex story is a patient that came into where she works.
SPEAKER_04I know. Do you remember that? Listen, I was gonna give him a little surprise.
SPEAKER_01Like, um, that's so sad.
SPEAKER_04Did you ever watch um How I Met Your Mother?
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_04Do you remember the episode where the guy did the naked man?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_04That is what happened to me. In the episode, Robin takes this guy home and she leaves the room for a second and he just gets naked. Oh, I think. Like they're already not even, they're not like feeling it, but they just are like and she brings him home, like, I don't know. And she leaves the room for a minute and she comes back and he's fucking naked, like in the living room. And now she feels obligated to fuck him because he's naked.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04And she's like, what else do I do?
SPEAKER_01So you had to do it, yeah.
SPEAKER_04And I I always thought, like, oh my god, that's crazy. But then I went out a guy with a guy that did that, and um, I did not fuck him, but it was so fucking weird and funny. I think his name was Rich. I can't remember. He was from Pensacola. I think he worked construction, if I can remember.
SPEAKER_01When I was in my earth, only goes to say how many men Terrence been in.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I've been on so much. She's going down a route.
SPEAKER_01I think it was Rich in Pensacola.
SPEAKER_04I literally wish I would have kept a diary because I swear to God, these people come up on people you may know. And I'm like, did I did I fuck this person?
SPEAKER_01Did I fuck people you may have fucked is what we need on Facebook.
SPEAKER_04Literally, and um, and it was so long ago, and in my early 30s, and when I like was in that apartment, my favorite apartment, I was like fucking slinging dick and making fucking moves, and I fucking loved it. And um, and I I matched with this guy and he came here, and when you're driving here from an hour away or more, he lived in Pensacola. I was like, I feel like I I like I need to I don't know, I need to show this person a good time. So fucking for whatever stupid fuck reason, we went to this goddamn arcade. I am not an arcade person, I don't want to go to a fucking arcade ever in my life. And we go to this arcade, and I'm sorry, Mark, I'm sorry, I don't want to do that. And I paid for them, I paid for it.
SPEAKER_01He loves them.
SPEAKER_04I paid for it.
SPEAKER_02I love there's not good ones anymore. I miss them all ones. Well, yeah, I'll go to David Buster's. I will fuck up David.
SPEAKER_05But you're you're cutting out again.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I'm sorry. I'm I'm kind of holding this. I'll go to David. I'm not an arcade guy.
SPEAKER_05I just you gotta like games. Come on.
SPEAKER_04I don't like games. Is I I'll go to Dave and Buster's, I'll do the shooting hoops and the skee ball and and bop the fucking gopher, whatever. But we went to this like cheap arcade. I paid for it. Oh and then it wasn't Diamond Gym. I wasn't really I wasn't really having like that great of a time. I love that. But I felt like I needed to try because he drove. So then I was like, okay, well, let's go to, you know, my bar, my favorite bar, and walking distance. It's walking distance from my apartment. Get to know Taryn, Dave. And I know we go to my we go to my bar, I pay for that, and then he comes over.
SPEAKER_02I love your hot dog, and let's put this in your mouth.
SPEAKER_04He I go to the bathroom, and when I come out, he's fucking naked on my couch. Oh, right. And I was like, I was ready to get it. I immediately said, No, we're not doing this. Put your clothes on.
SPEAKER_01With one Bapa gopher over him.
SPEAKER_04Like, I'm not doing this.
SPEAKER_01Right, good.
SPEAKER_04Put your clothes on. This is not that kind of date. Like, I mean, if you were better, I might have put out, but you're not better.
SPEAKER_01The one guy she didn't.
SPEAKER_04Do y'all have any other questions for me?
SPEAKER_01I, yeah, yeah. Do you have any for Taylor? You don't want to know anything about it. All right, you know everything. Nothing you don't know. I've I've learned. I've learned.
SPEAKER_02He's asked all the time.
SPEAKER_01Now it is time to wrap up the episode with one of our favorite. Taryn and I love Death Poker. Now we're all gonna die. Now, these uh Taylor is gonna give us two choices, and we we have to decide.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I have to do two choices. We have to decide how we'd rather thought about it, but I already have deaths for y'all, so you don't have choices. Is that okay?
SPEAKER_01No, we need two choices. You're not changing Death Poker rules.
SPEAKER_04Damn it.
SPEAKER_01Just think of two ways to die.
SPEAKER_04Everybody's gonna die. We are very crazy, and we give you two options.
SPEAKER_01So who first bright? No, you say give us two, and we'll each answer which way we'd rather die.
SPEAKER_02So like you would say, you know, drowning or drowned by or killed by tortoise tortoise.
SPEAKER_01Killed by a tortoise.
SPEAKER_02Or what?
SPEAKER_01Is it how does it kill us?
SPEAKER_02I can't tell you that. You have to tell us. I'm changing the game. Oh. No, this is terrible. You're Madison. You're like our friend Madison. Madison, tortoise.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02Or the beach. What? Surfing. I don't think you understand. I'd rather go.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I'd rather die by tortoise.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I got that's weird.
SPEAKER_01Okay, Taryn, we'll give you an example.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Listen. Tortoise or beach? How about then? Okay, you have the choice. Beach. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's terrible.
SPEAKER_02That was a terrible literal worst example.
SPEAKER_01Madison was probably worse. Madison went on AI. So I listen, Taryn, without going an hour, give us a quick example of Death Poker.
SPEAKER_04Okay, Kevin, would you rather die because you are at a you're at Warp Tour? You're so excited. They brought Warp Tour back finally. Oh my God, I've been waiting. I love Warp Tour so much. I am gonna be front row and I'm gonna just fucking rock out front row. I love it. And then the storm rolls through, and you're like, it's fine, it's fine. We're at fucking warp tour. And then it's fine.
SPEAKER_01I'm the tallest.
SPEAKER_04And then they're like, and then they're like, everybody got us to go. And you're like, not me. I love warp tour. I'm here for blink 182, baby. I love I got my vans on Blink 182. And so then one of the giant speakers that's looking at you falls forward, and you're looking at it straight in the eye, and you're like, oh, it's not gonna kill me. It's not gonna kill me. And then it fucking splatters, falls right on you, and fucking kills the fuck out of it. At least it's instant. And your body is just at least that one's instant.
SPEAKER_01Terry drags the death out.
SPEAKER_04Fucking kill him.
SPEAKER_01All right, I'm going, I'll go with that because usually you drag my death out.
SPEAKER_02Yes, you guys. It has to be doing it. Oh, now Taylor will go. Kevin takes up surfing.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Are you are you game for this? I'm gay. Go. I love it. Kevin takes up surfing. He's over there at Navar Pier beach.
SPEAKER_01Oh, those huge waves.
SPEAKER_02Yes. And you're hanging out with all the cool people, and there's so many sharks, and you're like, bitch, I got this. I got my hair out.
SPEAKER_01I got the surfer lurk.
SPEAKER_02And I got the surfer lurk. Even though I'm super tall, I got this bore that I might be able to work. So you get out there, right? And the waves are like crashing, and you're like, I've never done this before, but I got it. And then you're paddling out, and then all of a sudden, a fucking shark gets your arm. And you're like, I don't really care. I'm going to spend it. Paddle to the right. So you still use your other arm. And then the sun is beaming down on your white body. My white body. And you're frying and you're cooking out in the sun while you're booking. Oh no. And then you're just like, I'm going to get this wave. Even though you're cooked by the hair cooked and he's hanging out there. And he's like, I'm at least get this wave. And he's stunned so sunburn. And his body is like crispy, like cheese. I'm already going with Terrence. You can scream. The rotisserie chicken at public. And he stands up, and then a shark is like, this is like fried chicken.
SPEAKER_01Kill me. I'm going with Terrence. A speaker, instant death. She's having me bleed out, get sunburned. The sunburn part really bothers me. And I'm still trying to get a wave.
SPEAKER_04Somebody gave you a stick of butter as S P and you thought it was actual SP. Okay. But it's Christmas.
SPEAKER_01Bubble blisters on. Yeah, I'm going with Terrence. But finally, welcome to Death Poker. That was way better.
SPEAKER_02That was way better. Taylor went from the beach or you guys wouldn't let me, but I have one for Terra.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no.
SPEAKER_02You go first and then give me a few. Save it. Save it. We're wrapping up on that.
SPEAKER_01Thank you, Baker House. Thank you. Yeah, Mark can do one.
SPEAKER_04Give Mark one.
SPEAKER_05Okay, would you rather die with your entire family surrounding you as you die from old age on the beach and you get washed away? Mark. Or you have a giant orgasm from your rose and fall and break your neck in the shower.
SPEAKER_04A giant orgasm. That is a good one. I want to go out.
SPEAKER_01I think I even want the rose on that one. Mark had a dream that he he washed, he he died and he and the waves washed him away.
SPEAKER_02He's gonna start packing his house with roses.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Thank you, buddy.
SPEAKER_02I know. Episode one, I think it was good. Woo! That was fun.
SPEAKER_01Is Taryn fired?
SPEAKER_02Taryn's ever fired and to be on a story behind this because really you said on a Sunday, like, I want to start a podcast. Oh, yeah. This is like a whole thing. I bought the whole damn board, and then on Wednesday, that's when you were let go.
SPEAKER_01Don't door dash a podcast.
SPEAKER_02Okay, anyways, thanks for coming. Love you.
SPEAKER_01Till next week.