Choose YOUR INNER CIRCLE Wisely

Making friends always feels hard, but recognizing that it isn't hard when you find YOUR PEOPLE, changed everything for me. If you have ever felt alone, or even like you don't fit in amongst the people around you, this video is for you. I share the importance of choosing your inner circle wisely and why being alone is better than surrounding yourself with the wrong people.

FOLLOW EMILY B

• Instagram: @dearemilyb
• YouTube: @dearemilyb

SUBMIT TO UNDER RENOVATION

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdN5Fo2GfTgrOdIyHwV395_5XUAOZfuReEZixOr1jrZq7PPFA/viewform?usp=sharing&ouid=108854230234452289450

Something Exciting is Coming Soon...

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It was really, really hard to come to the conclusion to not hang out with people if they don't align with my values. Choose your inner circle wisely. This is episode four of the Under Renovation podcast, where I share my stories and experiences in hopes that you can learn something from them and also so that I can learn from them, grow and move forward. Alright, I'm sure you've all heard this one before. But you are a product of the five people you are closest with. Now think about those people. Maybe even get a notepad and jot them down, jot their names down. Assess those people and ask yourself: are they encouraging you to become a better version of you? Or are they holding you back? You might think, oh, like that's kind of harsh, but no, seriously. It yeah, sure, it might seem a little harsh, but we're talking about your life here. Are the people you are hanging out with holding you back from what you could be and what you could accomplish? In last week's episode, we talked about the decisions you make. Are these people encouraging you to make good decisions to help you move you forward to become the best version of yourself? Or are they silently holding you back or loudly holding you back by encouraging you to make bad decisions? And you know, in that last episode, I kind of talked about how you know it could be by surrounding yourself with people, like say I don't drink, I wouldn't like I don't mind being around people who if they drink, but if someone's like drinking every weekend and that's what they do for fun, then chances are I probably won't want to engage in that because I think other things are fun than just drinking. Now it was really, really hard to come to the conclusion to not hang out with people if they don't align with my values. It took me a really long time to get here. I'm going to take you back to this era of high school and university. We're going, it's gonna be back to school time soon. And you know, maybe this is the time that you need to hear this. When people think about, oh, I'm entering high school or I'm entering university, the most important thing on their list is I need to make friends. I need to make friends because I can't, I can't be alone or I need people to go to events with. Okay, okay. Sure, sure. You wanna go to events, that's fine. But you know you can do those by yourself. I know that might seem seem scary, but the most important thing in high school and in university is not making friends. The most important thing is self-discovery. Now I didn't really know this because I feel like self-discovery kind of got blurred with being alone, and I didn't understand that you know, having independence and taking time for yourself doesn't mean you're alone, but you're also trying to understand who you are as a person. Learn about who you are and what you like. In high school and university, I often found myself compromising my values to try to fit in. I would, you know, even say like that I was interested in certain things, even though I wasn't. My often most popular example for this one would be like music taste. Usually whatever music people around me were really liking, maybe it was like rap, I'd be like, oh yeah, I love that. And I would like start listening to that music because I wanted to like know and like fit in and be like, ah yeah, I listen to this too. Meanwhile, like I didn't like that music. Yeah, or sometimes people would like ask me, they'd be like, oh, like what music do you listen to? Like, what's your favorite music? And I would say, like, oh, everything because I didn't feel like I even knew like anything about myself because I was always trying to morph myself to fit into a certain group so that I could have friends. I was compromising my like self-worth and my authentic self to morph myself to fit someone's ideal like friend or ideal girlfriend or like whatever it was. And so then that resulted in me like really not even knowing who I was because I felt like I was just like a product of like the people I was hanging out with, which like was not me. When you learn about who you are and what you like, and you truly become your most authentic self and you have peace and grace and independence and silence and being alone and being okay with that, the right people will gravitate towards you and they will show up when you least expect it. As a little side note, I think it's so much better to be alone and to be true to yourself than to be living a lie to fit in. The funny thing about making friends is I feel like people will often, this is gonna sound really shallow, but I think people genuinely look at people who kind of like look like them or resemble them or have similar style or sometimes like similar interests, but they'll close themselves off to people that they just think are different from them. And I just think that that's kind of sad because I think that there's so much that we can learn from so many different people, but because people like think that they wouldn't get along with someone, they don't even open themselves up to that person or try to engage in conversation. I think this is more in high school than university. I think people are more open in university, but in high school especially, I feel like it's always very clicky. Like that's just a high school thing. And like as a pre-service teacher and seeing like being in high school, like in a high school and being on the other side of it as a teacher, you see that happen. And even me, like I would try to like get my students to be in different groups with different people in the class. And you know, oftentimes people would be very hesitant because they they just want to be with their friends because that's what feels safe. And that's okay, you want to feel safe, but you also need to open yourself up to other people and give people a chance because you have no idea what you can learn from other people. If you think like, oh, this you select someone and you're like, this is gonna be the person who's my best friend because X, Y, and Z, they're in this popular group or they're in a similar group, whatever. I just think that you need to give people a chance. I just think people need to get these like preconceived notions about people out of their head and just engage with someone. Talk to someone new, ask them what they're interested in. Like if you ask questions, you'll get to know them. But if you just make assumptions about people, you actually don't know anything about them. It's really important though to be selective. Like, you don't need to rush making friends. I think having really, really, really great friends is such a blessing, and that doesn't need to be rushed. Your best friends will always come out of the blue when you're not looking for them. I think you just need to let it happen naturally, and you will find your best friends or your partner in the most unexpected ways. I'll give you a story time about how I met my two best friends, and it quite literally is in the most unexpected way. Start off with Jade. And you want to know how we met? I remember I was in the car with my mom, we're driving, and on the radio, it's like, oh, like this girl from Ottawa is getting interviewed, like on the radio, because she had got had this cat video and it went viral, and it got like two some 2.0 million uh likes on TikTok. And it was like this was in 2019, so it was like a really big deal, like 2.2 million likes. I think it was like the most liked video on TikTok at the time. Anyways, it's just important the story because it's this is so random. After I heard on the radio that her cat video went viral, and then you know, the new year was rolling around, I was kind of getting some followers, and I decided to DM her and be like, hey, you know, there's this Canadian hype house forming. Like, do you like are you interested? And then we kind of like had a little group going of like who would be in this house. Obviously, like COVID kind of like kibosh that, so that's why like it didn't never happen. But I literally slid in her DMs being like, Hey, wanna be a part of this? And then like we genuinely just became like best friends like ever since that moment. We FaceTimed as friends for like six or seven months, or yeah, something like that, like that long until we actually got to meet for the first time, but otherwise, the entire time before leading up to that, we played Fortnite together. This was during COVID, like we played Fortnite together like every single day, and it was just like the absolute best time ever. Because it was COVID, like I didn't get a prom. Believe it or not, can you imagine a 2020 graduate mentioning they didn't get a prom or I didn't graduate? You know, I didn't, anyways, moving on, moving on. She we did like a backyard prom and like it was so special because I got to invite her to that, and so I honestly think it was worth it not having it to just have her there. That was like the best time ever. So it's just to say that like the most random things in life will happen for you to meet your best friend, so you don't need to force it or anything. Like, had she never had that cat video go viral, like had I not heard that on the radio, there were so many things that had to happen for me to even message her to then us ending up FaceTime all the time, playing Fortnite, and then finally meeting in person and now being best friends still to this day. Jade, if you're watching this, love you. Okay, now we're on to how Grace and I met. It's also a very funny story. Grace and I, we were both in this class. It was like um, not like I don't think it was human rights law. I think it was just not general public law. It was a law class. I can't remember, maybe it was human rights. Can't remember which law class it was. I feel like all the like my law classes in my undergraduate like are all morphed inside my head. We were in this class and it was online because it was COVID. So like no one turned on their cameras except I did, and like Grace had her camera on, but I didn't know her at the time, I just saw like her on the screen. But we had to study for this, we had to study for this exam because our exam was worth 100% of our grade. It was like a really big deal. Obviously, Grace and I are the only ones with a screen on, but we didn't have like a group chat where everybody's names was on it. It was on Discord, and when you're on Discord, people have like weird names like Pancake77 or something like that. Like, I go on Discord and I'm like, hey, like, does anyone want to study uh together for the final? And she, well, I didn't know it was her. So my profile picture and my name were on my Discord profile, but hers was not. So her username was just Yip Yip, and this was her her profile picture. So that's what I'm seeing, right? And I'm just like, okay, like whoever this is, like I'm gonna study with them, like that's great. And then like we end up video calling, and we're just kind of like laughing, and we just like had such a great time, and then we ended up having like in the future, like in-person classes together, and we were both had a minor in law, and so we just like got a connect during that, and then like at that time, you know, we were going through like as girls do in university, boy troubles and boyfriend troubles, whatever crazy toxic exes, whatever. We we we went through it all together, but it all started by me literally just asking, like, hey, does someone want to study? And like her with her freaking little yip-yip and like her little profile picture. I'm like, I have no idea who this is. And had I not asked for someone to study, I would have never met my best friend. So, all those circumstances where I met my best friends was me putting myself out there, messaging or like reaching out to someone. And I just think like that's why people need to put themselves out there and like reach out more because you could be meeting your best friend, but you actually have no idea if you never do that. And the nice thing that I absolutely love and adore about how I became friends with like Jade and Grace is that like nothing had to do with like what someone looked like or anything like that. It was genuinely just because all just like circumstantial of like this is what was happening, and then like we just became best friends. And but yeah, I just think that that's so wholesome. And I just love the stories of how I met my best friends, and I'm really lucky to have them in my life. But I was really selective, like I did not have friends really in high school, or at least not friends that were supportive or there for me. I did have like one or two friends who I would say they were like they were better, but like I didn't really have anyone in high school, high school that was there for me the way that like Grace and Jade have been there for me. And like I'm so like beyond grateful to have them in my life. And I think when you are selective, you will find the right people. Because surrounding yourself with the wrong people does not feed your soul, it actually damages it. So be selective and protect your peace. Find your people and be able to identify when someone is not good for you. Whether that's a friendship, a family member, or a partner. Being able to identify that is so important. And I don't think I was always able to, I actually, yeah, though I was not able to do that until like very, very recently. I think I went a really long time with giving excuses for people who I thought were my friends or even people like being in relationships and thinking that certain things were normal or that I needed to change myself or whatever to fit in with these people or make them happy, not consider how like something they're doing is making me feel. You might be thinking, how do I identify if I'm in an unhealthy relationship or friendship? I will tell you some identifiers you need to cut someone off. Now I've already kind of touched on this briefly throughout this podcast so far, but the first one is changing or compromising your values to fit in. But that actually means that you need to understand what your values actually are. And this wasn't really clear to me for the longest time. I kind of just was in limbo. I feel like that's a really good word to use. Like I feel like I was just floating and I was just like existing and living, and I just kind of did what the norm was. I because I didn't want to be bullied, even though I was. Like I didn't want to do anything that would put me in a bad situation. I wanted to have friends, but I realized that like making friends, having like having friends or finding a partner, like when you're with the right people, it should feel effortless. It shouldn't feel like you have to change everything about yourself to be liked by these people. And I feel that in high school, like I look back and I'm like, yo, this girl was cooked, like me, like this girl was cooked out of her mind. Like, what was she thinking? Like compromising her self-worth, compromising her values because she wanted to be liked by someone in high school. Like to give an to give some examples. In high school, if there was like a party, if I like I don't believe in like vaping, like I don't do that, but like if someone was passing around a vape at a party, you're obviously going to do it because you're like, well, I want to fit in, I want to be cool. I don't want people to think like, oh, she's a Miss Giddy Two Shoes, but like I compromised my values. Like, I don't think that that's good for you. And like because I wanted these people at this party to think I was cool, I did something that went against my own values and beliefs. And for what? This kind of goes back to the like choose your five people closest because, like, why would I want to hang out with people who are doing like drugs or stuff like that if that is not what I want to do, and that's gonna hold me back. So why would I engage with that? But it was like this sense of like in high school, anyways, it was like this sense of like popularity and oh, like you have to do this and this and this to be cool and whatever, and da-da-da-da-da-da. Like, it's a really like cruel and scary place. I think like what I wish I had known genuinely just be your raw and authentic self, finding peace with being independent and like being alone and getting to know yourself and truly understanding your core values and beliefs as a person and where you want to go in life and start working towards how you're gonna get there. Then you're able, when you have a clear vision of like where you want to go, then it's makes it a lot easier to be like, okay, well, like this doesn't fit into my values, so I can't engage with that. And that kind of comes in hand in hand with the like sacrifice aspect that I talked about, I think at the beginning of this episode and like in the last episode. Just like sometimes you have to sacrifice things to move forward, but that also might mean like sacrificing what could seem like fun momentarily. That momentary fun could hold you back from being 10 steps ahead because now you're trying to catch up. Another story is just kind of like I've had I've had like exes in the past where I felt like I changed myself or like morphed into like a different person to like fit their like ideal version of like what I thought that they like wanted or to like fit their lifestyle or something like that. Meanwhile, like I wanted to live a certain way, but then it was like not fitting like what they wanted. So then I would change myself and be like, okay, well, we'll do it your way. And I would never stand up for myself. And I think that's like really important. Like, whenever you find a partner or you have a friend, like things should feel effortless. Like you should be, you don't have to be totally aligned on everything, but you definitely should not have to change everything about yourself to be liked by someone. So stay true to yourself and let those people come to you and and attract those the right you be raw and authentic and be so true to yourself that you attract the right people. This next identifier is they only come around when they need or want something. This one was really hard uh to identify in the past. I wrote, it's much easier to identify and clock when you are comfortable being independent. When I was in high school, like I think I've said this before, but like I didn't really have many friends, or if any, when someone would want something, I like I can't even think of an example, but whether if they wanted something or if I could have been of service to them, they would come to me and they would be like, hey, like can you share me, can you like share the notes with me? Like blah blah blah, can you do this, this, and this? And because someone engaging with me, I thought, oh, this could be an opportunity to like become friends. But like if they wanted to be friends with you, like they would have been friends with you. They're just using you. And like that might seem harsh, but like being able to identify if someone is just using you and they're only coming around when they need something. Like, I just wasn't able to clock it back then because I was I didn't understand independence. I just felt alone, like I didn't have anyone. And so it was hard. And I was like, oh, this person wants to like talk to me, like let me help them out, and maybe they'll like want to hang out with me or maybe they'll invite me to something. Yeah, that's just not the way to go. Um, I think this one's also like big for like saying they only come around when they need or want something. Big for family. I feel like sometimes I feel like family can sometimes get a pass because they're family. But I think just because someone's family, I think it's still really important that you like nurture all those relationships. Um, because only coming around when you need something is it just feels really shitty. I think now like I'm so much more aware. Like I'm so comfortable being independent and doing things for me, working towards my goals. Like, I'm so comfortable with my independence now that like if someone comes to me and they're just like asking for something and they like literally have not like reached out in so long like years, then like I can clock it. Like, I'm like, oh, like okay. Like you, it's really important to be comfortable with like your self-worth and your values and know who your people really are. Who's true to you and don't get blinded by like people like coming trying to like straggle back, essentially. I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah, I think it's just like even you know, in this essence of like you're the five closest people, I think why it's so important to be selective is because those people that you surround yourself with impact you and impact like how you're going to move forward or whether they're going to hold you back. So it's very important to be selective. And those people that you surround yourself with could be their choice of partner, it could be your friends, your family. And so you have to really assess all of them and really gauge like how are they making me a better person? Do they bring out the best in me, or am I absolutely miserable? And I feel like this can happen in like relationships too. Like, I feel like sometimes maybe your partner, like you thought that you guys were a really good fit at first, and then it's like stops working, but then you like stay, and then you're just like not happy. And I don't think it's worth compromising your happiness to be with the wrong person. It's worse to spend more of your time in the wrong relationship than having your like sense of peace. So much better to just be at peace and work on self-discovery and figuring out your soul's purpose than to be wasting your time with the wrong people who are just bringing you negative energy and stressing you out and making you sad. Like you deserve to be happy. Genuinely, you listening to this, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to chase your dreams, you deserve to fulfill your life's purpose. And maybe you don't even know what that is. Maybe you don't even know, but you deserve to try to find out and you deserve to show up for yourself and work towards whatever that goal is that you decide to chase. To end this off, I have a few things that I want to leave with you that I want you to think about. And it's this do the people you surround yourself with want to see you win and cheer you on? And do they bring out the best in you? I'll just let you sit with that and you can think about it, ponder on it, and I hope you take something from that. Thank you so much for tuning in. And I hope I was able to provide some clarity and maybe a sense of direction or understanding of how to assess the people in your core circle, your five closest people. Think about it. Just think about if you are surrounding yourself with the right people and why. And if not, I know it's hard. I really do know it's hard sometimes to feel like you're alone. Finding that comfortability with yourself and independence to cherish and let your soul flourish, you will attract the right people. Whether that's the right family members, the right friends, the right partner. It will all happen and you just need to trust. Everything will happen with due time. You need to trust and try not to force it, but try to just make sure that you're working towards your own goals and your own aspirations. And surround yourself with people who are positive and who genuinely want to see you win. There's one more thing. In the last episode, I talked about decision making, and we're a product of our decisions as well, and as well as the people we hang out with. You need to ask yourself if you don't blame it on someone else. Are you the person holding you back? Are you the person who's making the decisions to put yourself in these bad situations? Are you the one who is deciding, no, not today, I'll do it next week. Maybe you're your biggest hurdle, and you need you need to lock in. You need to really realize that, like, people say you have so much time, you don't. Like, time be flying. What do you mean that we're already in the eighth month of the year? Like, school's about to start again soon. That is absolutely mind-boggling. Time flies, don't waste it. Start locking in, start chasing the dreams and the life you want, and start surrounding yourself with the right people. Hopefully, whether you're starting a new job or whether you're going back to school, whatever it is, whatever, or just anything in your life, just with the people you surround yourself with, just be very mindful of who they are and how they're affecting you. Thank you so much for tuning in. I hope this episode provided you some clarity in giving you a sense of direction in assessing your inner circle to really understand and grasp and analyze whether the people in your inner circle are moving you forward or silently holding you back. We'll chat again soon. Love you. Bye.